The Joy of Female Friends

Many claim men and women can't be friends because sooner or later the sexual tension between them will be too great.  A search of the internet reveals scientific studies that confirm this but other findings refute it.  Television shows and movies like Friends, New Girl and When Harry Met Sally have the platonic relationships of the characters turn into bed-hopping adventures.  Even Scully and Mulder of the X-Files crossed out of the friend-zone after years of speculation from fans.  I have to laugh at all this because in high school, I was blessed with many opposite-sex friendships.

Bishop Fenwick offered an advanced creative writing class that was open to underclassmen.  Here I got to know a fellow student named Sharon who was a year ahead of me and soon friendship developed.  We also shared the same study session in the cafeteria so as everyone else separated into groups by gender, we sat together.  Eventually her friend Christine joined us and we had a wonderful time hanging out. 

Nothing about our friendship seemed odd or unnatural because it was rooted in mutual respect.  We were all somewhat nerdy so topics of conversation tended to be more intellectual.  These female friends were a breath of fresh air since they allowed me to be more emotionally honest.  Gone was the stifling machismo usually found among my male friendships.

A rendition of the alternative
 clique from our yearbook 

Sharon was good friends with a fellow classmate of mine named Jen and we eventually found ourselves joining her much larger group of girls during lunch.  Most of these kids were part of an alternative clique that existed in the early 90s even though it didn't really have a name.  Some of us labeled them “artsy” or “progressives” because they dressed differently, were into art and literature and shunned the bubblegum pop music of the day.  They resembled Jane Lane from the TV show Daria which debuted a few years after my time at Bishop Fenwick.

Jane Lane from Daria.

Most of these “progressives” had a grudge against the Catholic Church and felt out of place in parochial school.  One girl was very sexual and took it upon herself to promote safe sex and gay rights while another read the Bible just to highlight all the misogynistic passages.  Perhaps it was their way of rebelling against an environment they dreaded. I embraced them anyway because we still had a lot in common.  Whatever their opinion of Catholic doctrine, it wasn't going to change my beliefs.  They knew where I stood and some of them respected my opinions even if they didn't agree with me.  Among these friends, I could be myself and not get judged for it.

Being the only guy in a group of girls didn't bother me because at the time I believed any differences between men and women were mostly societal.  Did our friendships hit the brick wall of biology?  Not really.  The term “friends with benefits” didn't exist and many of us were still somewhat innocent about life.  (Since there was no internet back then, society was a bit more innocent too.)  Sure, the occasional fantasy entered my mind but we just weren't compatible enough to seriously consider crossing any lines.  Besides, I loved my female friends like sisters and didn't want anything to spoil it.

These unconventional relationships probably caused some classmates to question my sexuality but others thought I was getting inside information when it came to understanding women.  It piqued the curiosity of one of my male friends and soon he joined our lunchroom group.  Having female friends made me feel a lot cooler than I was.  Unfortunately, we rarely got together outside of school since we lived so far away from each other.  (Our parents never had to deal with co-ed sleepovers but that would become a topic of conversation in society many years later.)

Female friendships weren't limited to fellow classmates.  During my senior year, the guys in my study session “adopted” a small group of juniors who sat at the table next to us.  These girls had been amused by our conversations so we decided to start talking to each other.

While there are many horror stories of opposite-sex friendships gone wrong, my experiences with them in high school were largely positive.  Perhaps I'm more sensitive than many of my male counterparts who frequent strip clubs and sleep around.  One psychological experiment highlighted the differences between males and females by separating toddlers from a toy with a plexiglas barrier.  Boys typically hit the divider while girls tended to cry.  However, there was a small percentage from both genders who did the exact opposite.  When one of my cousins got married, the groom chose a female friend to be his best man.  Maybe guys like us are the exception to the rule.  It's difficult to say but no friendship can work if you're missing two key ingredients: trust and respect.