Valentine's Day Reflections On Ten Years Later

This February marks the ten year anniversary of Long Lost Black Sheep. I created this blog out of frustration for the way the Catholic Church treated its singles who wanted to get married. After reading other blogs on the subject, I felt it was time to share my perspective knowing full well that what I had to say might not be embraced by many traditional Catholics since I refused to shy away from being critical of our clergy. They had neglected people like me for far too long and if singles weren't being given bad advice, they were treated as if they were invisible. I wanted to challenge our spiritual leaders to do better and help out whenever they could. After all, the future of the Catholic Church depended on it whether they realized it or not.

Over the past ten years, I did manage to meet with our regional bishop and spoke to him at great length about the subject. I also hand delivered a letter to Cardinal O'Malley but sadly, not much of anything ever came of it. The bishop recommended I join a Catholic dating website, and the Cardinal sent me a form letter that failed to address anything I talked about.

I also used this blog to chronicle many of my personal experiences growing up in the Catholic faith. I especially wanted to highlight some of the different parishes I belonged to and share stories about my days in Catholic school. I figured capturing these moments in time from long ago might provide valuable lessons but unfortunately, this aspect of the blog has fallen by the wayside over the years.

Interestingly, the most popular entry on this blog by far is the one about disgraced former Bishop Fenwick chaplain Fr. Jim Nyhan. A Google search about this ex-priest usually leads most people right to this website. All of the other content on Long Lost Black Sheep doesn't have anywhere near the numbers as that particular blog entry.

Lastly, if there were any subjects that had nothing to do with Catholicism or being single, I'd still blog about them just to get my observations out there. Over the past ten years, many of those other Catholic singles blogs have disappeared but Long Lost Black Sheep soldiers on even if it's become an increasing struggle to find the necessary free time to write. Working the night shift for many years has ruined my sleep patterns and the demands of caregiving for my elderly mother grows with each passing year.

I know I can be judgmental and divisive at times but I hope there are readers out there who get something useful out of this site. Most blog entries generate no feedback whatsoever. Every once in a great while someone will post a thoughtful comment but more often than not I hear from the “peanut gallery” who make snarky remarks or ask intrusive questions. Keep in mind, I moderate all comments and if someone crosses a line, their words never see the light of day.

Over these past ten years, I followed the bishop's advice and joined a Catholic dating website but the experience was not that great and a portion of this blog highlights some of the drama. Long Lost Black Sheep would never have been popular on the now defunct CatholicMatch forum but to my surprise, a couple of my biggest critics grudgingly agreed with me that the Church needed to do more for it's younger singles who seek marriage.

During my time on CatholicMatch, I only dated one woman for a few months and what began as a wonderfully hopeful experience ended very abruptly. It's left me confused, wary and highly doubtful that I'll ever find anyone to be in a relationship with.

This Valentine's Day, I pondered all the words of encouragement people have given me over the years. “God will answer your prayers.” “You'll eventually find someone.” “There's someone for everyone so it's only a matter of time.” Such sentiments seem very hollow right now even if they were well-intentioned.

So much time has been lost that my dream of falling in love and getting married feels all but dead. If only there had been some kind of help for Catholic singles when I was in my 20s or 30s or 40s.  If only the people I talked to about being single had actually taken me seriously.

An Update...

Just before the end of 2025, I caught a very bad cold and have been out of commission for almost all of January so posting to this blog just hasn't been possible.  I am starting to feel better and will post the entries for December and this month as time permits.  Until then, this notice will serve as a placeholder.  Thank you.   

The Church's “Useful Idiots”

One story that's made the rounds in the local news this holiday season concerns a controversial nativity scene outside St. Susanna Parish in Dedham, Massachusetts. Replacing the baby Jesus is a sign in the manger that reads “ICE was here.” Another sign lists a phone number for reporting ICE activity in the area. Also missing are the figures of Mary and Joseph but a note says, "The Holy Family is safe in the Sanctuary of our Church."

The display was created in part by St. Susanna's longtime pastor, Steven Josoma who said he wanted to highlight the fear of separation among immigrant families adding, “It's to get people thinking about how immigrants are treated, especially during the holiday season.” Many have shown their support for this nativity scene but many others have condemned it. The Boston Archdiocese has even called for its removal but Fr. Josoma said the display will remain until further notice.

My first impression of the situation? I didn't totally disagree with what Fr. Josoma was trying to do BUT (and this is a big but) I wondered if he has ever fought so passionately for the Church's more conservative moral beliefs like choosing life or practicing abstinence until marriage. After a little bit of online research, I found my answer.

Father Josoma actually has a history of creating provocative nativity scenes. One manger on gun violence featured signs with the death tolls of specific mass shootings while another on the environment showed a manger flooded by rising sea levels. A previous display on immigration placed baby Jesus in a cage. Fr. Josoma has stated such displays weren't political statements but “a moral call to arms.” CJ Doyle of the Catholic Action League strongly disagreed saying this year's nativity scene was sacrilegious political theater from a dissident priest with a long history of crackpot publicity stunts adding that he is using his position as a pastor to promote his left-wing political ideology. The website Boston Catholic Insider largely falls in line with this assessment.

Whatever the case may be, I think Fr. Josoma's recent attempt to get people "to think" has sown the seeds of division and discord more than anything else as evidenced by the many online arguments regarding this nativity scene. Detractors claim the display is inaccurate because the Holy Family were not refugees but rather returning to their hometown for the census as required by law. Supporters argue the nativity embraces Christ's call to care for the very least of us. Detractors say we need to render unto Caesar by not ignoring illegal immigration. Supporters accuse detractors of being MAGA elitists who only care about white people. And it goes on and on with each side digging in.

There are those among us who want to water down the Catholic faith to just two phrases: “love thy neighbor” and “don't judge.” Even though some of these people have rarely set foot in a church, they're quick to cherry-pick certain Bible passages in order to make the detractors of this nativity scene look bad. Disagree with Fr. Josoma's message and they'll call you a Christian hypocrite even though immigration is a complex issue.

This controversy reminds me of a Facebook post from one of my cousins who was raised Catholic but then turned her back on the faith. She forwarded the following from the Facebook page Occupy Democrats:

Right off the bat, this post is very deceptive. They place a photo of the Pope directly above a letter he didn't write to make it appear as if Leo XIV himself were publicly criticizing Donald Trump. In actuality, the letter was written by a bishop...but nowhere in the post will you find his name. They do say this bishop was appointed by Pope Leo so they make the leap that this must be a “HUGE rebuke” of the president and ICE.

At the bottom, they thank the Pope for “standing up for true Christian values.” Now I'm not the smartest person in the world but I suspect a Facebook page called Occupy Democrats wouldn't be so kind if Pope Leo promoted some of the more conservative values of the Catholic Church.

It's been said that Vladimir Lenin coined the term “useful idiot” which means a naive person who is manipulated into supporting, promoting, or defending a cause, ideology, or leader without fully understanding the harmful, hidden, or self-defeating consequences of their actions. By only showing the more liberal side of the Catholic faith and ignoring other aspects of its moral teachings, our religious leaders are playing right into the hands of those who want to see the Church weakened or destroyed altogether. Courting these people certainly won't change their negative opinions of organized religion but it will cause confusion among devout Catholics who have already sacrificed so much for their faith...and that will ultimately hurt our Church.

Where Japan Leads, The Church Follows

The Mass I usually attend was once fairly crowded but over the course of a few years, the number of parishioners has drastically thinned out. Often in 2025, I'd see one whole section of the church empty or with only three or four worshipers sitting in the pews. The parish is almost entirely made up of old people and witnessing such a sharp drop off in attendance has me thinking of what's been going on in Japan.

Of all the countries in the world, Japan has the highest proportion of elderly citizens and as of 2022, a little over 29% of the population was above the age of 65. That number is expected to climb in the next few decades. Japan's seniors also live a very long time and the country is home to the largest number of centenarians on the planet. While all this is going on, the nation has also been suffering from a low fertility rate. Since 1974, the number of children being born from each woman in her lifetime has remained below the replacement threshold.

Economic factors are usually cited for this downturn. Japan continues to suffer from a decades-long economic slump and regular employment has seen significant decreases over the years. On average, temporary and part-time jobs pay 53% less each month when compared to regular employment. With such financial insecurities, many young people feel they can't afford to have kids. Poor work / life balance and a lack of affordable daycare also contributes to couples putting off having children.

Another interesting aspect of the aging of Japan is the blame some place on the nation's young people. They claim newer generations have created a low desire culture where both sexes express little ambition to court each other. The unflattering term “herbivore men” is used to describe young males who are not interested in getting married or even having a girlfriend. “Parasite singles” typically describe young unmarried women who continue to live with their parents so they can enjoy a more carefree lifestyle.

Some have suggested Japan's young people no longer have enough places where they can interact. Others theorize there's a growing division between the sexes about what's expected of them when it comes to dating and relationships. High levels of anxiety might also scare young men and women away from each other. Whatever the reasons for this apparent lack of romantic initiative, rates of virginity among 20 and 30 year-olds are still increasing with a 2022 survey finding about 40% of unmarried men in their 20s have never been on a date while 25% of young adult women said they never dated.

Rural villages have been hit the hardest by these declines in young people with empty houses and closed schools becoming commonplace. Government incentives hoping to encourage young adults to move to these rural communities have had little success. One artist from the village of Nagoro wanted to make her aging community look more active so she created scarecrow-like dolls to fill the void. Perhaps my church should have some of these dolls placed in the pews to make Mass feel more crowded.

Japan is a prime example of the dire consequences that eventually arise when we fail to encourage and support our young people on their difficult journey into full-fledged adulthood. Over the years, I've brought my concerns regarding Catholic singles to my pastors, the regional bishop and the Cardinal but none of them considered what I had to say to be a priority. One pastor in particular insisted as people got older and thought more about life and death, they would ultimately come back to church. Fast forward to 2025 and it's obvious that hasn't happened. It won't happen either because more and more people feel they can do without religion.

Much like Japan's incentives to convince young people to move to those rural villages, the Church's various campaigns to increase its membership appear to have missed the mark. This is especially clear when I look at all those recently empty pews.

What's A Guy To Think?

YouTube's algorithm for generating recommended videos must be aware that I'm single because a lot of the content in my sidebar focuses on dating, relationships and women. These recommended videos claim to have special insight into how the opposite sex really thinks but after watching several of them, I feel downright depressed. Why? Instead of offering helpful advice on how to find genuine love in the ever confusing dating scene, these videos highlight the “harsh realities” men face when seeking romantic relationships with women.

One of these YouTube channels is called Entrepreneurs in Cars and it typically features a guy driving around while he shares his opinions on the opposite sex. This particular content creator warns men against dating a “modern woman” because no amount of care or attention a guy brings to the relationship will ever be enough to satisfy her. He sometimes uses the term hypergamy when explaining how women tend to date and / or marry men of a higher social status.

He also claims women often overestimate their “sexual value” as they get older and tells men to avoid dating females who are pro-choice, have slept around, or carry a great deal of emotional baggage because these qualities run counter to a family-oriented mindset found in traditional relationships. Oddly, all of these warnings lead the host to suggest that if a guy just wants to have fun with a woman for a little while, then that's okay as long as both parties don't get too attached. I find it ironic that the host of these videos places a lot of importance on traditional values but then lets men off the hook by condoning the occasional sexual romp.

Another YouTube channel that often pops up in my sidebar is called PsycheDepth and videos from this content creator typically feature black and white cartoons of men and women while a British-accented narrator gives long lectures on the nature of romantic relationships. These are some of the most depressing videos ever with titles like: “How Women Turn Good Men Into Monsters With Contempt” “Why Does Sexual Desire in Women Die After Love” “Why Most Women Betray Loyalty Without You Seeing It” “Talking Kills Attraction” “Why You Shouldn't Try To Understand Women”. Even the thumbnails for these videos have pretty atrocious titles like: “Women Are Selfish” “You'll Never Make Her Happy” “Women Are Evil” “Why Being a Man Isn't Enough Anymore” “Her Tactics Are Deadly” “Her Words Are Poison”.

The narrator claims that no matter how kind-hearted a man is, he needs to behave a certain way to be successful at dating because a woman might say she wants a sensitive, communicative man who will treat her as an equal, but on a subconscious level, she is hardwired to be turned off by those qualities. Basically, the genetic predispositions of our ancestors make women desire a strong, confident leader and not someone who takes her feelings into account by asking, “What restaurant would you like to go to tonight?” This deep-seated lack of attraction for nice guys is supposedly why so many women wind up with jerks.

According to PsycheDepth, men need to wall off their true emotions and create a certain distance because women truly value mystery and scarcity not openness and utility. If you don't “maintain your frame” with the opposite sex, they will walk all over you because without even being aware of it, women run countless psychological tests on men and failing these mental evaluations causes a loss of interest. Apparently, men aren't entitled to be full emotional beings because that would show weakness.

One particular video makes the case that marriage itself is just a bad idea for men because they are always at a disadvantage in such a union. PsycheDepth even suggests replacing the outdated concept of marriage with a contract that's similar to a business deal where both parties' expectations are clearly spelled out and they can go their separate ways without much difficulty. I sometimes wonder if this YouTube channel is part of a secret plot to sow distrust among the sexes and destroy the American nuclear family. With more and more videos being churned out each month on this channel, a friend joked, “...or they're just trying to make money.” I can believe that given all those awful clickbait titles.

As bad as these videos are, the comments are much worse. Broken-hearted men describe their relationship horror stories and rejoice in being alone and unattached. One guy says women don't love you for who you are. They love you for how you make them feel. Another claims women are always on the look out for someone better. Many men lament all the effort they put into their relationships only for their significant others to get bored and leave. There seems to be a lot of hurt out there and videos like these certainly don't help to bridge the divide between the genders. In a recent poll of Gen Z men, having children and raising a family was their number one goal. For Gen Z women, that expectation came in dead last.

The advice from these content creators runs counter to how I imagined dating and relationships would be but now I'm not so sure what to believe. Thinking back to my parents marriage, they managed to avoid many of the pitfalls discussed in these videos but then again, they embraced traditional values and not modern ones. During my time on CatholicMatch, I did see a certain amount of distaste for "nice guys" and some members of the opposite sex felt the art of courting boiled down to the man having to do almost everything on a date while the woman waited to be impressed. As a sensitive male, I refuse to play these stupid games. If I'm going to be rejected, then I'll be rejected for being myself because wearing a false facade for the rest of my life is just too tiresome and not worth the trouble.

Broken Marriages and Poisoned Minds

Even though a good friend from my high school days has lived in a different part of the country for a few decades now, he still calls me on a regular basis to chat. He's been married to the same woman for nearly 30 years and has two kids who are now college-aged. My friend says he loves his wife to this day and tells me she's the one person he never gets tired of being around.

Despite all of this, a perennial topic of conversation during our phone calls is the disharmony that's plagued his marriage. His wife can be very overbearing especially when it comes to sweating the small stuff in life. My friend feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time because there's no telling what little thing might set her off. He feels totally unappreciated as a provider and once confessed to me, “If my wife gave me 100 tasks to do around the house and I completed 99 of them, she'd pick me apart for the one thing I didn't finish.” There is a scientific reason for this called the Zeigarnik Effect. People better remember tasks that are interrupted or unfinished.

Adding to her displeasure is the fact that after he's finished working long hours in a very stressful job, he doesn't always have the time or energy to do the tasks she wants done like dusting or emptying the dishwasher. Instead of sympathizing, his wife berates him and sometimes throws a temper tantrum. My guess is she considers his failure to help out to be a personal slight against her because she feels so overwhelmed. For years his wife argued, “I have the more stressful job of raising the kids!” Even though their children are now grown, she still uses this as an excuse.

My friend's career provided a roof over her head and allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom for many years. Their mortgage was also paid off before he turned 50. I'd say they have a lot to be thankful for but she insists he does “nothing” around the house. My friend tried defending himself by listing all the things he's done for the household over the years but she doesn't use logic to argue. If she simply “feels” a certain way, then it becomes the Gospel truth. As a result, he has stopped defending himself when they fight because he knows he'll never win. Men usually clam up and bury their feelings when they think their vulnerability will be mocked and used against them.

My friend tells me past marriage counseling sessions weren't helpful because his wife blamed him for everything while she refused to own up to her faults. Adding fuel to this fire in recent years is social media. Since his wife has trouble making friends and doesn't like going out, she spends a lot of time on the internet and is drawn to TikTok videos where modern women discuss what a marriage should be. Instead of promoting traditional Christian values, these virtual reality personalities will set unrealistic expectations for husbands and then criticize them for not achieving such lofty goals. My friend's wife internalizes these artificial wants and needs that didn't exist two minutes before she watched these videos. Of course she's not happy living in a slightly cluttered ranch house when some social media influencer is telling her she should be living in a mansion that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

These influencers, who usually have no degree in psychology will also urge women to preform subtle tests on their husbands. If the men fail, the wives are told they are in a bad marriage. The reality is, guys usually don't do well with subtlety. Perhaps the BEST way to talk to a husband about something is to actually talk to him about it...openly and honestly without the threat of reprisals.

Sadly, a death in their family caused my friend's wife to become increasingly withdrawn and despite his efforts to support her, she moved out of the house and is now living with her mother. I try to avoid the “S” word (separated) during our phone calls because he's not sure what her departure means for their marriage. Neither of them want a divorce but this latest turn of event is causing more resentment. My friend rants, “I wish I could withdraw from the world when I'm depressed but I have to go to work everyday and make sure all the bills are paid!”

My friend and his wife got married in the Church and had their kids confirmed but this was done just to impress their relatives. In actuality, they both have disdain for organized religion. While there are plenty of bad Christian marriages, I do wonder if this lack of faith made for a weak foundation. My friend has often criticized me for holding onto the Church's traditional values because he felt living together before marriage was how he really got to know his future spouse. I recently reminded him of this theory and pointed out, “You never accounted for your wife changing over the years.” Perhaps those studies about the dangers of premarital co-habitation have some credence?

One thing is for sure, social media hasn't helped my friend's marriage one bit. Instead of teaching humility, empathy, and gratitude, his wife is being filled with anxiety by watching videos from content creators who are hell-bent on sowing discord among the sexes.

(More on that topic in the next entry.)

When All Else Fails...Blame Men?

I was casually searching the internet a while ago and found the r/CatholicDating sub on Reddit. One post that caught my eye was from a woman who had tried CatholicMatch and was very disappointed because that dating site was filled with “creepers” in her humble opinion.

This woman's list of complaints regarding the men of CatholicMatch was long and as I read through it, a thought popped into my mind. All of her grievances could have applied to many of the women on CatholicMatch too. The thing is, few people on that dating site ever check out the profiles of the same gender.

I thought much of what she said was unfair so I decided to create a post of my own on r/CatholicDating to refute her accusations. I entitled it: CatholicMatch Creepers? Not Great From My End Either

She complained there were too many men who did not agree with all of the Church's teachings. I said there were plenty of women on CatholicMatch who also disagreed with those values adding that the prettier the woman, the more likely she did not agree with the Church's teachings on pre-marital sex.

She complained about terrible profiles so I said there were plenty of women with poorly written and cringeworthy profiles who put in a minimal effort when it came to selecting a profile photo. I also retold the story of a woman on the CatholicMatch forums who once griped about profile photos of men who posed with the fish they just caught. The funny thing was, I have seen women on CatholicMatch choose a profile photo where they were posing with the fish they just caught.

I also mentioned the poor success rate of CatholicMatch for men like me. After years on the site, I only managed to date one person for a few months but even she took issue with some of the Church's core teachings.

I closed my post by saying, “So I don't think CatholicMatch is terrible only if you're a woman. And I don't think there aren't any good Catholic guys left for the tons of devout Catholic women who don't have anyone to date because you're only seeing half the story.”

After my post was uploaded to r/CatholicDating it was deleted by the moderators shortly thereafter before anyone had a chance to discuss it. Nothing I wrote seemed to violate the group's rules and my post was certainly less negative than the woman who categorized most of the men on CatholicMatch as creepers. This reflected the typical double standard in the world of Catholic dating. Women are holy, pure and can do no wrong while men are lustful, inept, and have everything wrong with them.

In years past, I've read a few Catholic blogs written by women who lament the lack of good and devout Catholic men. Oh, we're out there but perhaps you can't see us because we don't measure up to your vision of the dream guy which must be a combination of Prince Charming, Padre Pio and the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. It's odd that men get scolded all the time for being too superficial but who chastises Catholic women for dismissing those awkward but nice guys who just need some encouragement?

During my time on the CatholicMatch forums, women used to complain all the time about men...but rarely got called out by the moderators in the same way that the men did who complained about women. One female in particular was upset with a guy who had initiated a conversation but then disappeared. Now the same thing happens to plenty of men all the time but this forum user felt the need to bash us guys for such behavior.

She accused Catholic men of forgetting how to court and date. (As a devout woman, she informed us that it wasn't her job to chase or pursue, of course.) She lamented the presence of so many “emotionally constipated men” on the site who were not well formed or healthy. Had she known there were so many “dualistic” “insecure” and “projecting” guys in the Catholic dating scene, she would have married one of the many “GOOD” secular men she had met in life who were “solid in the core” and of “good character.” All I could think was, “Yes, it's all the fault of men that you're a single, middle-aged woman right now and there's not the slightest thing wrong with you.”

I think if Catholic men defend their gender in the face of these complainers, they get accused of “picking on a girl” but nowhere do I see pressure put on these devout women to be more accepting and understanding of the opposite sex. Ultimately, it seems like us men get blamed for everything that's gone wrong in the Catholic dating scene.