What's More Christlike?

Before the start of another weekly Mass, I spotted a regular parishioner in the pews who had disappeared for several months. Along with her mother, she prayed that I'd find a girlfriend and when dating a woman on CatholicMatch didn't work out, they sent me a nice card to lift my spirits. Since Mass didn't start for a while and the church was almost empty, I decided to walk over and see how she was doing. I was mindful of other people and tried to keep my voice down. We talked about our latest struggles dealing with care giving and gave each other updates about our lives.

Suddenly, another parishioner approached me and said in a stern voice, “This is a sanctuary so you either take it outside or keep quiet.” I was flabbergasted by the man's tone but tried to explain that it had been some time since I saw the person I was talking to. He didn't care and repeated himself. I cut our conversation short but not before telling her, “Maybe this is why there aren't any young people at our church.”

To be honest, I didn't think I was speaking loudly enough to bother anyone but perhaps my voice does travel. As I went back to my pew, I thought the man could have been much kinder when he expressed his concerns because the way he put it sounded like a threat. Perhaps, “I hate to bother you but I'm trying to pray in silence. Do you think you could talk in the hallway?” I'm not sure if he felt sorry for his actions but for the next few weeks, he made a point to say hello to me after Mass.

I wouldn't see that regular parishioner I had been talking to for quite some time, however. The incident made me wonder what's more Christlike: Sitting in silence and praying or having so much concern for a fellow parishioner, that you show a genuine interest in discussing their daily struggles? We often hear prayers for “the lonely” during Mass. The only chance I get to talk to parishioners who might be feeling lonely is before Mass.

The same can be said for our parish's organist. We went to the same high school but she was a year below me so we never met back then. Still, that connection was enough to break the ice and before many Masses, she'd often speak with me and my mother about the numerous difficulties in her life. If offering her a shoulder to cry on lightened some of those burdens, we were happy to talk to her. More importantly, finding out about the struggles she faced allowed my mother and me to keep her in our prayers and ask God to alleviate the specific problems in her life. Ideally, we should probably get together outside of Mass to talk but with all of her commitments and all of the commitments my mother and I have to deal with, it's just not possible. Those few minutes each week before Mass is all we have time for.

Unfortunately, a newer young priest assigned to our parish believes the church should be absolutely quiet before Mass and has been on the warpath when it comes to our small conversations. He'll sometimes give the organist dirty looks if she talks to us and he's even printed out some signs telling worshipers to keep silent. Of course, this doesn't stop some of the elderly parishioners from chatting with each other...and they tend to talk very loudly. (My mother is guilty of this because she's lost some of her hearing.) There are even times when the priest's friends speak to him before Mass and that seems to be tolerated too.

Even when parishioners refrain from talking, it doesn't necessarily create a prayerful atmosphere. There have been times when I've been totally distracted by an elderly person's heavy breathing or coughing before Mass. On a few occasions, an old woman in the pew behind me constantly made very annoying hissing sounds as she whispered her prayers.

I think we need to strike the right balance to keep our church a welcoming place and this latest "quiet zone" has me wondering what's more important: trying to maintain outward appearances to make the parish appear more reverent or having such a deep concern for our fellow parishioners that we actually take a little bit of time to hear what they have to say.

An Honest Obituary

Many years ago, my mother and I tried a new restaurant in a neighboring city and during our dinning experience, we had a nice conversation with the establishment's very gregarious owner. During subsequent visits, he never missed the chance to say hello and always treated us with kindness. This restaurateur was also an entrepreneur who had established different kinds of businesses over the years and even though we didn't know many details about his personal life, my mother and I found him to be very charismatic. It was a shock to us when we learned of his sudden passing under mysterious circumstances.

When his obituary was published, I was struck by its honesty. Of course, he was described as passionate and larger-than-life. Also mentioned was his kindheartedness. Beneath that loud exterior was a caring person who went out of his way for others and maintained close life-long friendships. Then the obituary stated that upon meeting him for the first time, people fell into two camps: Those who loved him and those who stayed away but either way, you never forgot him. I found those words to be refreshingly genuine, so much so that they have always stayed with me.

While most obituaries sugarcoat the truth, a few have been brutally honest, usually written by the survivors of abusive parents. One stated, “She will not be missed by her children and they understand that this world is a better place without her.” Another read, “All of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again."

One writer of a brutally honest obituary stated that she wasn't trying to be hateful. Rather, she was expressing her anger remarking, "I don't understand if we don't talk about this, how are we supposed to...break the cycle of trauma, especially generational trauma?"

Certain euphemisms regularly appear in obituaries like “passed away at home” and “died unexpectedly.” These might be used to conceal very tragic circumstances while “surrounded by loved ones” might imply the end of a long and horrible illness. If given the choice, I'd prefer an obituary that wasn't whitewashed.

I've often read in obituaries pretty interesting stories about how the deceased met their spouse. One local gentleman spent time working in England as a young man and while riding a bus, he just happened to strike up a conversation with a woman who was also from America. As someone who struggled all his life to even go on a date, I found myself asking, “What are the odds?” I also noticed that many couples met early on while in high school, college, or at the start of their long careers. That kind of luck always seemed to elude me and if for some reason I passed away tomorrow, I'd want this aspect of my life to be mentioned. For all the love I had to give, I never found a woman to share it with. Instead, I seem to attract people who bother or harass me.

Much like my restaurateur acquaintance, I can be divisive and this should be included in my obituary. Some people think I'm far too opinionated and judgmental. Others see a caring, gentle and passionate individual who values true friendship but has little tolerance for phoniness. I don't have many friends but the ones in my life who see the “real me” know just how much I love them and how much I go out of my way for them.

I'd want some of my hobbies listed too because not only are they expressions of my creativity, they help people understand my feelings of isolation and loneliness. You won't find a love of the New England Patriots or Harley-Davidson motorcycles in my obituary but you will see a passion for very obscure interests. A few of these hobbies turned into full-fledged causes that often ended in failure but that made the struggle no less worthy of being pursued.

In addition to the difficult sacrifices I made caregiving for my parents and remaining steadfast in certain Catholic values, I'd also want it stated that this world left me feeling disillusioned and brokenhearted. Bullied for most of my life, I never really found a place where I truly belonged. A long lost black sheep to the end. To pretend otherwise doesn't accurately reflect what is.

When Obituaries Lie

For people like Fr. Herbert, an obituary only scratches the surface on what was a full life. For others, an obituary whitewashes unpleasant realities and in some cases, lies.

When my mother was growing up, her youngest brother was spoiled rotten by the matriarch of the family. As “the baby” Uncle Jay always seemed to get his way but his three middle siblings including my mom weren't so lucky. During Uncle Jay's teen years, he would snoop around in my mother's bedroom and help himself to the stash of money she earned from a job at the local five and dime store. He never owned up to the thefts but wherever she hid the money, he'd always find it. My uncle's spoiled status lessened when his mother died unexpectedly at the age of 47. The entire family really needed therapy to cope with such a devastating loss but that was unheard of back in those days.

Uncle Jay served in the army, married a woman from Germany and raised a family but while on assignment in Central America, he cheated on his wife. After a messy divorce, my uncle ultimately married the other woman, settled in Florida and had a daughter. Years later, his second wife cheated on him and their marriage fell apart. Some would call that karma but my uncle adopted a “woe is me” attitude.

With nowhere to go, a relative found Uncle Jay inexpensive veterans housing back in Massachusetts. Despite his tendency to act like a know-it-all and badmouth just about everyone, my mother and I invited him to our weekly lunches out for many years. His sourpuss demeanor usually brought down the mood, however.

My Uncle Jay also had the annoying habit of dropping by the house unannounced. When we insisted he call us beforehand, he followed through at first but then did whatever he wanted to. One time, my mom and I had been picked up by a friend so when Uncle Jay saw our car in the driveway, he assumed we were home. He accused us of not answering the door and claimed he heard a voice from inside yell, “Be quiet!” This caused a rift between us and we didn't speak to each other for a while. Such feuds were common on my mother's side of the family.

After Uncle Jay caused a minor car accident, his daughter from Florida invited him to stay with her family. They wrote a list of house rules but after a few years, he refused to follow them and moved back to Massachusetts. Luckily for him, his old apartment was available again.

Tired of all the drama and insults, my mother and I decided to keep our distance from Uncle Jay but I did bump into him at a store. The first thing he said to me was, “Boy, do you look old.” We were cordial but I warned him not to drop by the house unannounced because my mother said she would call the police. Before saying our goodbyes, he suggested chatting again at my workplace but it never happened. Instead, Uncle Jay got into another argument with my mother over the phone and refused to have anything to do with us. Guess I was guilty by association.

In early 2026, my cousin Jenny let us know that my uncle was in hospice so we called his daughter from Florida to see if we could visit him. She gave us his room number but when my mom and I arrived at the facility, we were banned from seeing him. A second call to his daughter revealed Uncle Jay was still holding a grudge and she wanted to honor his wishes. She promised to call us back when his funeral arrangements were finalized but that opened yet another can of worms.

The family plot was full and my mother had long ago been given instructions from her dad not to let anyone else be buried there. Of course, Uncle Jay wanted to rest with his mother so thousands of dollars in extra fees were paid to the Church and the grave was opened. His daughter refused to inform us about the funeral so we learned about it after the fact. Not only did my cousin Jenny attend, but also one of Uncle Jay's daughters from Germany who I hadn't seen in over 40 years. My mom and I wondered if everyone there took all the bad things my uncle had said about us as the Gospel truth.

We were especially hurt none of our relatives bothered to defend us. At the very least, my cousin Jenny should have told us Uncle Jay's daughter from Germany was in town so we could have seen her. My mother was so upset, she told Jenny not to bother talking to her ever again. Even from beyond the grave, my Uncle Jay was spreading discord.

Despite all this, his obituary read like a saint's. He loved God and his family deeply. His quiet and creative ways reflected his thoughtful nature. His faith was a steady presence and he lived a life of service, perseverance, purpose and devotion. The Gospel of Matthew was also quoted: “Well done, good and faithful servant...”

The obituary mentioned his “rarely spoken about” tours in Vietnam but using that phrase made it sound like he was on the front lines and suffered from PTSD. In reality, he served in the motor pool and never saw combat. Even though my mother is the last living sibling of the family, she was excluded from the “survived by” list.

It's one thing to gloss over the more inconvenient aspects of a person's life when writing an obituary, but as Christians, don't we have a duty to reflect a semblance of the truth? My Uncle Jay always wanted things his way no matter the cost and as a result, he hurt an awful lot of people.

* All names have been changed to protect the innocent and not-so-innocent.

The Gentle God

I got word this month that Father Hebert Jones passed away on June 30^th at the age of 91. I knew him as the pastor of the Carmelite Chapel at the Northshore Mall but he had a long and productive tenure as a priest which included assignments in South America.

When St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly formed a collaborative with the two other Catholic churches in town, our pastor decided to close the building during the summer because there was no air conditioning. We were encouraged to attend St. John the Evangelist instead but since my mother and I had already left that parish many years before, we weren't eager to return anytime soon. While looking for a new spiritual home for those summer months, we eventually found the Carmelite Chapel and were very happy with the elderly priests who ran the place.

Fr. Herbert had such a gentle way of speaking and his humble sermons were often thought-provoking and reflective ending with the simple phrase, “May God love you.” A few years later, the Carmelite's priests were set to retire and by the end of January 2016, a new religious order would take over the chapel. During one of Fr. Herbert's last Masses, I decided to record audio of his sermon and quite fittingly, the subject focused on the gentle nature of God. I printed it here in his honor:

“I'd like to ask a question and you can think about it. Who is God to you? What is the image that you have of God when you think of Him? You're all here tonight. You're all here because we believe in God, obviously, but what...what is the image that we have of God?

For some it might be a judge...someone strict who is the creator of all and these things have to be done my way. Others, it might be a kindly grandfather. Others, it might be sort of an efficient businessman who's running this whole creation that He established. There's all different ideas that we might have of God. And that's why I'm hoping that you're all paying much attention to the three readings at this evening's Mass because it describes the qualities that should be in our mind when we think of God.

In the first reading, it tells about the compassion of God. The Prophet Isiah...we hear his language in which He's so kind. The Lord says to the people of Israel, 'Unto us today that we will not be called forsaken...damned...judged. Our land will not be called desolate, where we despair.'  Rather the Lord wants us...wants to call us delightful and loved. That whole first reading he has that gentle notion of God that we frequently don't associate with God.

In the second reading, which is a beautiful reading from St. Paul teaches us that the spirit gives us very different gifts and they're gifts that are useful. The gift of teaching. He words them so beautifully. He gives one the expression of wisdom. To another, the knowledge...according to the same spirit...the knowledge of wisdom. To another, faith coming from that same spirit. To another, the gifts of healing coming from that same spirit. One to do mighty deeds, is wise and can work for good...do good things. Another gift is the gift of prophecy...to know what's happening...to put things in their perspective...to have a clear image of what God expects from us. To another, discernment of spirits...who really knows how to figure out what God wants for us and discerning God's will in our lives. To another, the variety of tongues. Those who can speak many languages are so gifted. One of my young Carmelites speaks about eight languages and it's just incredible. Self taught...learned them all by himself. To another, he gives interpretation of tongues...to know what people are thinking even though we don't know what they're saying. I think that that is reputation of tongues even though I don't understand what's being said. Infrequently, someone will come to confession who doesn't speak English and they'll make a confession and you can sense the sense of repentance in their voice...in their tone of voice and you know that there has to be God's forgiveness. What more is necessary as to be attentive...to listen...to understand.

That same spirit of God that gives us all these gifts, that same spirit of God that gives them to us...to each individual. If we went through each one here, no two would be the same. Each one has his own personality...his own gifts...his own weaknesses because they're coming from God. It is our task...our struggle through life to know how to use them...to put them to good use...to make God's will effective in our lives. That image of God continues in the Gospel today. The marriage...the wedding feast at Cana. Here we have our blessed mother who's so close to God...probably as close as any human being has ever been. She's the one that senses the need of the young couple. They're running out of wine at a big feast. They're not going to be punished or maybe even criticized but the family's going to be ashamed that they didn't have the resources to attend their guests so it's our blessed mother who intercedes with her Son and tells Him, "Look, they have no wine."  And Christ said, “What's it to me?” but she knows in compassion that He'll respond to her concern. And she says, “Do whatever He tells you” and then we know the rest of the story. The water was changed into the best wine of the day. The compassion of God who always goes beyond our needs...beyond what we could imagine. His is aware of our needs and He responds.

And that's the image that we have to keep in mind of God. A gentle, loving, compassionate God who's aware of our weaknesses and our failures and our sins but He's not judging us. He's not ready to back away now that He's there to reach out a hand to help. That's what we should be thinking of when we think of God. And it's a beautiful image of our blessed mother who intercedes for us when she knows our needs. It's an excellent idea that we have to pray to the saints...to pray to the blessed mother particularly that she intercedes with her Son...and her voice is so powerful with her Son. God is the gentle God...a creator who is concerned about His creation...concerned about the life that He has put on this earth...concerned about how we use the gifts and the talents that He has given to us. So let us thank God. Let us thank Mary and that we will always be able to use these gifts...that we ourselves can be tender and compassionate with those around us. Let us pray that we become more open to that gentle spirit of God that becomes a part of our own life and we do away with the criticisms and the prejudices and the hatreds, the resentments that we allow to creep into our lives. That's not Godlike. He's compassion...gentle and loving. And that's the image of God that we should try to create in our own lives. May God love you.”

To my surprise, Fr. Herbert did return to the Carmelite Chapel every once in a great while just to help out and another of his sermons discussed death. Fr. Herbert thought it was a shame we didn't like to dwell on the subject because he felt we should prepare for that moment just as we prepared for the other great moments of our lives. He told us, to be Christian meant we needed to live the Gospel message and to make it real in our daily lives remembering that it's all part of the preparation for that moment when we are called into the presence of God. We should give of ourselves in some way to change the world in which we live. Fr. Herbert did just that in many humble and gentle ways.

Letting the Church Off the Hook

In April, local television station WBZ featured a story on an upsurge in attendance at area Catholic churches with the Boston Archdiocese reporting a 50% jump in people joining or rejoining the Church over the last four years. Apparently, this trend is driven mostly by younger adults. Parishioner Caroline Connly felt the scary political climate of today's day and age had young people longing for a sense of peace and community where they could put their trust in a higher power and feel more centered.

Archbishop Richard Henning noted the number of baptisms, confirmations and young people actively participating at Mass was “way up” in Boston. He said there wasn't one single reason for this since it seemed to be happening independently in so many places across the country. Archbishop Henning did speculate, “So I think this generation just seems open to the call of the Lord in a way that we've not seen in a while.”

Those words stung a bit because as a young person, I too was just as open to the call of the Lord but as the years passed, I felt more and more distant from my faith since there just wasn't a sense of community to be found in any of the parishes I belonged to. For me, being young and single meant feeling alone. Now that I'm older, I no longer matter in the eyes of the Church because they're too busy trying to court this new generation of worshippers.

Shortly after this WBZ report, the news program 60 Minutes aired a segment called Inside the Catholic Church's Quiet Revival. Again, it was stated the faith was seeing an increase in converts and packed churches with mostly Millennials and Gen Z leading the charge. Three prominent cardinals were interviewed for this story but none of them were sure why this sudden shift in attendance was happening. One cardinal speculated the Church's moral leaders might be inspiring young people and then he suggested Pope Leo was the right man for these times. Another cardinal felt young people had a deep hunger and they were turning to the Church for help with the meaning of life. He also thought there was a sense of "woundedness" with this generation and they were seeking healing. Whatever the reason might be, these cardinals said they were going to conduct surveys to better understand this trend.

60 Minutes reported that fewer and fewer adults were joining the Church in the early 2000s and the faith even saw decreases in weddings, baptisms and funerals. This downward spiral started to reverse itself around 2022 as more and more people joined the Church in record numbers. While the priest sex scandal certainly drove many people away, one of the cardinals interviewed said a number of other factors contributed to the Church's decline like increased secularization. He explained all religions saw a dip in attendance because there are so many more options on Sundays.

As someone who spent a great deal of time and effort trying to call attention to the plight of young adult Catholics without much success, I thought it was typical that these cardinals were pretty clueless about the root causes of this sudden surge in attendance. For decades, the leaders of the Catholic faith did very little to help young people find their way but now we're letting the Church off the hook because the problem seems to be fixing itself.

Before the hierarchy pats itself on the back, I think we need to see how this surge in church attendance will play out over the long haul. That WBZ story showed footage from two popular Boston churches: the relatively new Our Lady of the Good Voyage located in the trendy Seaport District and of course, the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, which attracts many faithful parishioners anyway. I can tell you with complete certainty, my parish has not seen an uptick in Mass attendance and there are no new young people in the pews either. If there's one church Archbishop Henning needs to visit it's mine so he can see for himself that not all parishes have benefited from this resurgence. WBZ also recorded their footage during Easter which is a time when even sparsely attended churches see large crowds.

The 60 Minutes report said according to the Pew Research Center, converts to the Catholic faith represent only about 8% of all Catholics so I'm not quite sure just how significant this revival will be in the grand scheme of things. As someone who was once a young adult Catholic, I've heard all the theories before. “The pendulum will swing back and young people will return to the Church.” “Teens are looking for morals in a secular world.” “Young people know something's not right with society and they're seeking moral clarity.” None of these comments ever panned out during my young adulthood. I also think we need to refrain from speaking for Gen Z because society often gets it wrong. In the 1990s, members of Generation X were labeled slackers. Now we're supposedly one of the most self-reliant age groups of all.

Unfortunately, the reason for this upward trend in church attendance is largely anecdotal and there's no shortage of opinions on the subject. Some say the internet is playing a big part with digital influencers convincing young people to give Mass a try. Other speculate Covid caused young adults to reevaluate what's important in their lives. Others still believe young people are fed up with dating apps and want to meet people at church. A few online comments even cite an exodus from the Evangelical faith for its support of Zionism. More than a few people say loneliness, particularly the loneliness of men is a factor. Some feel the Church's more conservative beliefs are behind this trend with a few people claiming, “If the Latin Mass returned, attendance would really take off.”

I'd urge caution when trying to make sense of all these theories because we know very little right now and if the Church proceeds in the wrong direction, it might alienate many of those young adults who have recently returned to Mass.

Where Is Everybody?

The month of May wound down with a good friend from high school returning to the area for an eight day visit. He talked about doing some fun things like going out to a bar or nightclub, attending a concert, hiking a trail in New Hampshire and treating my mother and me to a nice dinner at a local steakhouse but I knew not to get my hopes up. Experience showed that despite his best intentions, plans often got derailed by the demands of others and I'd be lucky to hang out with him for just a few hours.

While my friend might believe a week off from work should best be spent visiting loved-ones and relaxing, his elderly father views vacation time as a chance to put his son to work fixing longstanding problems around the house usually caused by deferred maintenance. Two days into this year's trip, my friend did drive up to New Hampshire to see some of his relatives but that only caused his dad to grumble, “He wastes time running around when he's supposed to be here for me.” It's pretty astonishing to hear a parent declare so bluntly that he's entitled to all of his son's free time. My friend is stressed enough dealing with a marriage that's on the rocks and a special needs son. Now he has to give up his whole vacation to be a handyman?

Unfortunately, my friend's dad is bad with money and instead of building up an emergency fund to maintain the house, he buys DVDs, collectible coins and other frivolous trinkets. After being forced into an early retirement many years ago, he refused to get a part time job to make ends meet and incurred a lot of credit card debt. Now with each visit, he expects his son to pay for everything and being a good son, my friend reluctantly complies whether it's to replace a 70 year old mattress or a set of worn out tires.

By day five of his vacation, I suggested attending a nearby restaurant's trivia night but after spending much of the day running errands with his dad and son, my friend was too tired. He decided to stay put and grill up some steaks but his dad forgot to buy charcoal briquettes. I grabbed a half empty bag of Kingsford from our basement and dropped it off. We did get together later that night for about two hours but had to put up with his dad's television viewing choices which included terrible episodes of NCIS and NCIS: Origins.

When I returned the next night, my friend and I looked online for something to do because he was eager to get out of the house for a while. Of course, the tavern I suggested which was famous for local music didn't have any performances scheduled. Other restaurants and bars we looked up closed in less than an hour. I mentioned mini golf but there wasn't anything nearby. It was now after 9 PM so we decided to drive to Salem, MA and see what we could find.

Granted, it was a Thursday but for a “happening” city, the streets were pretty quiet. We drove by one bar but the crowd inside was definitely college-aged. Feeling a bit nostalgic, we then traveled to the Salem Willows but the place was dead. There's nothing so inviting than businesses locked up tight with metal shutters. I turned the car around and after driving down Derby Street, we noticed Bit Bar. I explained to my friend that it was a bar featuring many vintage arcade games. The place's concept seemed to have a nerdy cool vibe so we decided to check it out.

I had warned my friend that the bar scene in greater Boston left much to be desired and this place did not disappoint. The handful of patrons skewed too young and their fashions were so casual, I felt overdressed wearing a nice collared shirt. On stage, an overweight couple belted out an annoying karaoke song. One entire room full of arcade games was empty except for a lone guy playing. This was why I just didn't go out all that often. After a very short time, we decided to leave. The hostess told us to have a goodnight and once we were outside, I joked to my friend, “Thank you. I won't.”

Despite all the talk of how trendy some suburbs of Boston are, most of them are overrated. I told my friend about a YouTube video where a single woman decided to patronize different restaurants in my hometown each night of the week. She mostly wound up talking to couples and didn't meet anyone she wanted to date. That sounded about right.

We then walked around the city hoping to find something to do but all we encountered were empty streets. I told him it reminded me of The Twilight Zone episode Where Is Everybody? We eventually walked back to the car feeling defeated. I complained about how people in this part of the country lauded diversity but it was a failure of diversity when you couldn't find anyone else with similar sensibilities and tastes. My friend wasn't too keen to return to his dad's house so we closed out the night by aimlessly driving around the winding streets of Marblehead. I loved catching up with him but the scene outside the car was yet another portrait of isolation.

The next day, my friend planned to visit Cape Cod with his dad and son to make good on a 2017 trip that had been thwarted by a blowout on the highway due to the junky condition of his dad's car. I had been a passenger back then because my mother encouraged me to go but this time around, her growing health problems prevented me from tagging along.

On the morning of his last day here, we all went to breakfast and my mother and I treated everyone. Then my friend scrambled to finish a few projects for his dad before leaving for the airport. I was even drafted to finish up a few of these tasks which included dropping off a package that had been accidentally delivered to the house back in December. The dad's social anxiety prevented him from driving to the correct address to drop it off.

As expected, it was another vacation filled with lofty plans that gave way to a parent's demands and the one night I really needed to find something fun to do only led to dead ends and empty streets.

A Hand Not A Handout

Last month, our local newspaper printed an editorial pitching a caregiver tax credit. They ominously stated that there was “a reckoning coming” because the state's (and country's) population was growing older and with increased longevity came higher levels of infirmity. Older residents required more medical care as well as more help with daily living and in the vast majority of cases, that care fell on family members.

The editorial further stated that the emotional, physical and financial burden of providing that care was weighing heavily on generations of residents. As a caregiver for my elderly mother, I can certainly confirm that fact. In the past year, my mother's chronic pain has only gotten worse and doctors offer few realistic solutions to improve her quality of life. As a result, I have to spend more and more time staying home to care for her instead of having a life of my own. Then there are the many trips to the emergency room that last for hours on end.

My mother always goes to bed late but is an early riser so I might get four hours of sleep and that causes fatigue for most of the day. She's very bored with life and instead of working on her hobbies or doing something productive, she'll just sit in front of the television. Lately, my mom asks to tag along whenever I run errands just so she can get out of the house. The trouble is, she sometimes suggests going to a restaurant or store during our trip so I'll have to spend money unexpectedly. I do all the cooking and cleaning around the house and this year, I've had to manage her finances because she kept making mistakes in her check book. My parents were never that great with investing their money and my mother is still burdened by a large equity loan they never should have taken out in the first place.

Needless to say, all this leaves me very little free time. I last got together with friends four months ago and whenever I'm away from my mother for long, worry sets in because she's a fall risk. While my brother enjoys being married and raising a family, I'm treated to hearing my mom cry out in pain at all hours of the day and night. For her birthday, I took her out to a nice restaurant while my brother just gave her a phone call. Yes, caregiving does have quite a lot of burdens that average people never even think about.

The editorial also mentioned caregiving's cost to employers by making the case that many people wind up having to quit their jobs to care for a family member and that can cost businesses productivity especially when they lose great workers. At my job, the higher-ups could care less about us because they think we're all replaceable no matter how productive and efficient we are. They have no problem seeing good workers walk out the door because they can always hire a goof-off for less money. Since the company is owned by a private equity firm, the short term bottom line is far more important than retaining dedicated employees who ultimately save the company money in the long term.

At the crux of the editorial is a proposed tax credit for $1,500 and a respite voucher for another $1,500. They admit that's not a lot of money but say it could go a long way for the people who need it most. Actually, that kind of money is insulting because it really doesn't do much to alleviate the real cost of caregiving but legislators often propose measures that don't measure up. The real issue is how much of our hard-earned money we lose in taxes to begin with.

When looking at my old pay stubs, 2020 was my best year by far. For a few months during Covid, our company gave us hazard pay and since our industry was deemed essential, we could work any hours we wanted to. I'd routinely work 11 hour shifts 6 days a week and the overtime bumped my measly hourly wage up to something that was more respectable. Unfortunately, all that extra money meant my taxes went up too and since I was single with no dependents, the government taxed me into poverty. It was money I could've used to buy a new roof for the house or a new car or to get my mom a stair lift. What our legislators propose for caregivers certainly doesn't buy any of those things but buzz words like “tax credits” and “relief vouchers” sound positive and it gives the citizenry the impression that our state is doing something.

An AARP study cited in the editorial claimed most residents support the tax credits and relief vouchers along with paying spouse caregivers. Once again, singles don't rate as important as married folks. For now, the proposal is stuck in committee but instead of a handout, what I need the most is a helping hand. In light of that, how about the state of Massachusetts allow me to keep more of my money and let me decide how best to be a caregiver?