Eventually, my dad expressed a desire to have children of his own but she didn't want any more. Now he found himself at one of those very big crossroads in life where two destinies were clearly laid out before him: He could either stay with this woman, be a father figure to her kids and give up those dreams of biological children or he could break off the relationship and hope to find a woman who would fall in love with him and give him the family that he desired. Either path had its own rewards and pitfalls but no matter what my dad's choice was, there would be no going back.
Ultimately, my father decided to break off the relationship which was a pretty risky move for a guy pushing 40 during the late 1960s. After all, there was no guarantee he'd ever find anyone to marry and give him the family he wanted. By going his own way, he could have traded a good relationship with a woman in the here and now for unintended life-long bachelorhood. Thankfully, fate would intervene just a few years later.
My mother had been single all her life because the men she dated never really caught her fancy. Thanks to a chance encounter, she was introduced to my dad at a house party. They didn't hit it off right away but after meeting again at another house party, they started talking. My mom's friends helped things along by leaving early so he would have to give her a ride home. Before dropping her off at her apartment, my dad promised to call my mom in a few weeks because he had to travel to New York for a bowling tournament. My mother said with great skepticism in her heart, “Sure.” She was pleasantly surprised when he made good on that promise and after just a few months of dating, they were engaged to be married. Within three years, my dad had the family he always wanted.
Both in real life and on CatholicMatch, I've been scolded for not wanting to date a woman with kids. I've been told, “At your age, you need to be realistic.” I've been criticized for being too judgmental. I've been called out for not embracing the power of forgiveness. One woman in the CatholicMatch forums even told me that I could be the healing force a lonely single mother needed in her life. Some even said an unwillingness to date single moms goes against the Church's pro-life stance.
On the other side of the coin are the online relationship gurus who caution men about dating women with children and they list good reasons why you should avoid them. Ironically, one acquaintance who often urged me to start dating single moms often complained about the same things these gurus discussed. Despite all his efforts to be a dad to his girlfriend's kids, she'd automatically side with them in any argument. He spent tons of money on gifts and meals for her kids but never quite felt like he was part of their family. Sadly, a piece of his heart was ripped out when the relationship ended because he really did care about his girlfriend's children.
One single mom who was very vocal in the CatholicMatch forums felt there was an unfair black mark against her for something that wasn't even her fault. She went into her marriage a faithful Catholic but her husband was a wolf in sheep's clothing who secretly watched porn, practiced infidelity and then left. I felt sorry for her but asserted, “The dating world is big enough for the many widows, widowers, single moms, single dads and the divorced on this website to find each other.”
If there were men out there who were willing to date single moms then more power to them. Why, however were people constantly shaming me for my lack of baggage? Why were they so adamant I start dating women who had already passed some very big milestones in life? I tried explaining to that single mom on CatholicMatch, “We come from two different places. As someone who has very little dating experience, I'd want plenty of one-on-one time with a potential girlfriend. I'd want to be able to take off on a romantic adventure without having to schedule a babysitter. I don't want an instant family.” Unfortunately, there was very little sympathy for these opinions on CatholicMatch.
Like my dad, it seems as if two paths are being laid out before me: Face being alone for the rest of my life by stubbornly holding onto the dream of marrying someone with very little baggage or adjust my standards and marry a woman with way more baggage than me. During the 1990s, my father got a rare glimpse of the path not chosen when one of his ex-girlfriend's adult children introduced himself at a relative's funeral. He thanked my dad for being a much-needed father figure for all those years and admitted such a positive influence helped him to become a better man later on in life. My dad was floored by these comments but I know for a fact he would not have changed a thing. I'm very thankful for his choice so long ago because if he had listened to all the naysayers, I wouldn't exist.
