When All Else Fails...Blame Men?

I was casually searching the internet a while ago and found the r/CatholicDating sub on Reddit. One post that caught my eye was from a woman who had tried CatholicMatch and was very disappointed because that dating site was filled with “creepers” in her humble opinion.

This woman's list of complaints regarding the men of CatholicMatch was long and as I read through it, a thought popped into my mind. All of her grievances could have applied to many of the women on CatholicMatch too. The thing is, few people on that dating site ever check out the profiles of the same gender.

I thought much of what she said was unfair so I decided to create a post of my own on r/CatholicDating to refute her accusations. I entitled it: CatholicMatch Creepers? Not Great From My End Either

She complained there were too many men who did not agree with all of the Church's teachings. I said there were plenty of women on CatholicMatch who also disagreed with those values adding that the prettier the woman, the more likely she did not agree with the Church's teachings on pre-marital sex.

She complained about terrible profiles so I said there were plenty of women with poorly written and cringeworthy profiles who put in a minimal effort when it came to selecting a profile photo. I also retold the story of a woman on the CatholicMatch forums who once griped about profile photos of men who posed with the fish they just caught. The funny thing was, I have seen women on CatholicMatch choose a profile photo where they were posing with the fish they just caught.

I also mentioned the poor success rate of CatholicMatch for men like me. After years on the site, I only managed to date one person for a few months but even she took issue with some of the Church's core teachings.

I closed my post by saying, “So I don't think CatholicMatch is terrible only if you're a woman. And I don't think there aren't any good Catholic guys left for the tons of devout Catholic women who don't have anyone to date because you're only seeing half the story.”

After my post was uploaded to r/CatholicDating it was deleted by the moderators shortly thereafter before anyone had a chance to discuss it. Nothing I wrote seemed to violate the group's rules and my post was certainly less negative than the woman who categorized most of the men on CatholicMatch as creepers. This reflected the typical double standard in the world of Catholic dating. Women are holy, pure and can do no wrong while men are lustful, inept, and have everything wrong with them.

In years past, I've read a few Catholic blogs written by women who lament the lack of good and devout Catholic men. Oh, we're out there but perhaps you can't see us because we don't measure up to your vision of the dream guy which must be a combination of Prince Charming, Padre Pio and the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. It's odd that men get scolded all the time for being too superficial but who chastises Catholic women for dismissing those awkward but nice guys who just need some encouragement?

During my time on the CatholicMatch forums, women used to complain all the time about men...but rarely got called out by the moderators in the same way that the men did who complained about women. One female in particular was upset with a guy who had initiated a conversation but then disappeared. Now the same thing happens to plenty of men all the time but this forum user felt the need to bash us guys for such behavior.

She accused Catholic men of forgetting how to court and date. (As a devout woman, she informed us that it wasn't her job to chase or pursue, of course.) She lamented the presence of so many “emotionally constipated men” on the site who were not well formed or healthy. Had she known there were so many “dualistic” “insecure” and “projecting” guys in the Catholic dating scene, she would have married one of the many “GOOD” secular men she had met in life who were “solid in the core” and of “good character.” All I could think was, “Yes, it's all the fault of men that you're a single, middle-aged woman right now and there's not the slightest thing wrong with you.”

I think if Catholic men defend their gender in the face of these complainers, they get accused of “picking on a girl” but nowhere do I see pressure put on these devout women to be more accepting and understanding of the opposite sex. Ultimately, it seems like us men get blamed for everything that's gone wrong in the Catholic dating scene.

Thankful for My Dad's Choice

When my father was in his early 30s, friends had set him up with a single woman who was the mother of two boys. (We aren't sure if she was divorced or widowed but since it was the early 1960s, it's highly unlikely she was never married with kids.) They must have hit it off because they dated for about ten years.

Eventually, my dad expressed a desire to have children of his own but she didn't want any more. Now he found himself at one of those very big crossroads in life where two destinies were clearly laid out before him: He could either stay with this woman, be a father figure to her kids and give up those dreams of biological children or he could break off the relationship and hope to find a woman who would fall in love with him and give him the family that he desired. Either path had its own rewards and pitfalls but no matter what my dad's choice was, there would be no going back.

Ultimately, my father decided to break off the relationship which was a pretty risky move for a guy pushing 40 during the late 1960s. After all, there was no guarantee he'd ever find anyone to marry and give him the family he wanted. By going his own way, he could have traded a good relationship with a woman in the here and now for unintended life-long bachelorhood. Thankfully, fate would intervene just a few years later.

My mother had been single all her life because the men she dated never really caught her fancy. Thanks to a chance encounter, she was introduced to my dad at a house party. They didn't hit it off right away but after meeting again at another house party, they started talking. My mom's friends helped things along by leaving early so he would have to give her a ride home. Before dropping her off at her apartment, my dad promised to call my mom in a few weeks because he had to travel to New York for a bowling tournament. My mother said with great skepticism in her heart, “Sure.” She was pleasantly surprised when he made good on that promise and after just a few months of dating, they were engaged to be married. Within three years, my dad had the family he always wanted.

Both in real life and on CatholicMatch, I've been scolded for not wanting to date a woman with kids. I've been told, “At your age, you need to be realistic.” I've been criticized for being too judgmental. I've been called out for not embracing the power of forgiveness. One woman in the CatholicMatch forums told me that I could be the healing force a lonely single mother needed in her life. Some even said an unwillingness to date single moms goes against the Church's pro-life stance.

On the other side of the coin are the online relationship gurus who caution men about dating women with children and they list good reasons why you should avoid them. Ironically, one acquaintance who often urged me to start dating single moms often complained about the same things these gurus discussed. Despite all his efforts to be a dad to his girlfriend's kids, she'd automatically side with them in any argument. He spent tons of money on gifts and meals for her kids but never quite felt like he was part of their family. Sadly, a piece of his heart was ripped out when the relationship ended because he really did care about his girlfriend's children.

One single mom who was very vocal in the CatholicMatch forums felt there was an unfair black mark against her for something that wasn't even her fault. She went into her marriage a faithful Catholic but her husband was a wolf in sheep's clothing who secretly watched porn, practiced infidelity and then left. I felt sorry for her but asserted, “The dating world is big enough for the many widows, widowers, single moms, single dads and the divorced on this website to find each other.”

If there were men out there who were willing to date single moms then more power to them. Why, however were people constantly shaming me for my lack of baggage? Why were they so adamant I start dating women who had already passed some very big milestones in life? I tried explaining to that single mom on CatholicMatch, “We come from two different places. As someone who has very little dating experience, I'd want plenty of one-on-one time with a potential girlfriend. I'd want to be able to take off on a romantic adventure without having to schedule a babysitter. I don't want an instant family.” Unfortunately, there was very little sympathy for these opinions on CatholicMatch.

Like my dad, it seems as if two paths are being laid out before me: Face being alone for the rest of my life by stubbornly holding onto the dream of marrying someone with very little baggage or adjust my standards and marry a woman with way more baggage than me. During the 1990s, my father got a rare glimpse of the path not chosen when one of his ex-girlfriend's adult children introduced himself at a relative's funeral. He thanked my dad for being a much-needed father figure for all those years and admitted such a positive influence helped him to become a better man later on in life. My dad was floored by these comments but I know for a fact he would not have changed a thing. I'm very thankful for his choice so long ago because if he had listened to all the naysayers, I wouldn't exist.

No Catholic Street Cred Here

(From the files of Catholic Match)

Before joining Catholic Match, I wondered how the website's women would perceive me especially since I still embraced the Church's teachings on premarital sex after all these years. My optimistic side hoped they would find this continuing sacrifice to be admirable especially since we lived in such an oversexed culture.

Only a couple of profiles even mentioned the subject with one woman from Texas flat-out stating: “I am a virgin. You be one too, please.” Another female mentioned the shame and anguish abstaining from sex brought her. Other than that, most profiles avoided the subject altogether which is somewhat understandable given the need to avoid creepy guys.

My profile confronted the issue head-on and I clearly stated that I was looking for someone who shared the same sacrifice. Saving myself for marriage brought me loneliness, isolation, rejection and ridicule. Was it so wrong to want a woman who understood these bitter fruits all too well? It wasn't until I participated in the Catholic Match forums that I saw how controversial such an opinion really was.

One of the forum regulars named Jessica* talked about her disdain for the purity movement that had gained popularity in the 1990s. She felt placing such an emphasis on virginity only undermined the Church's teachings on chastity and forgiveness. For her, a person's past didn't matter as much as who they were in the present especially if they were sorry for their sins and now lived a chaste life. Catholic Match's co-founder echoed this sentiment by stating that life was messy and we shouldn't dismiss people based solely on their past.

I could see the point they were trying to make but for someone who had “walked the walk” when it came to this one particular but important Catholic value their statements bothered me. Why were we telling generations of young adults how wonderful it was to save themselves for marriage if people could get an automatic do-over when it came to sex? Doesn't a person's past carry some weight? A certain talk radio host liked to warn against defining deviancy down. Must we lower the bar so that the people who gave in to their carnal desires don't feel so bad?

I refuted a few of Jessica's points only to be shot down by forum users in ways I had never imagined. Jessica claimed virginity in and of itself wasn't a perfect indicator that someone had embraced the Church's values. According to her, a person could be such a dateless wonder, they never had the chance to lose their virginity in the first place. She asserted that chastity was a far more important value because that hypothetical virgin could have a porn addiction or masturbate frequently. Other forum users said there were also “technical virgins” out there meaning people who had engaged in everything BUT sexual intercourse.

I thought they were reaching and said, “If someone on Catholic Match is still a virgin it's probably because they took the notion of saving themselves for marriage pretty seriously.” I also thought they were going overboard with their definition of lust. So what if every now and then you had a sexual fantasy? In my opinion, this was focusing on a very small thing at the expense of a very significant Church teaching.

Catholic Match's co-founder chimed in again to say having a “virgin or bust” mentality bordered on the perverse.  Well, I posted a 2021 article from Catholic Match's own blog where it was stated that couples who waited until marriage to have sex:

“rated the quality of their martial sex 15% higher than people who had premarital sex”

“expressed 22% more stability in their marriages with a 20% higher satisfaction rate”

“are less likely to get divorced.”

Statistics like these were pitched to me in Catholic high school and Sunday school and they're a big reason why I hold the opinions I do. One 60-year old forum user named Pauline appreciated my perspective and wrote in my defense: “He has made a huge sacrifice, saving himself for marriage and, knowing the cost of this sacrifice, he wants a woman who has suffered and sacrificed as he has. Not because he is better, but because he wants to relate to another woman on this HUGE value for him. I get that. I respect that.”

Unfortunately, her comments failed to make an impression and one forum user named Max would later accuse me of being obsessed with wanting to deflower a virgin. It's sad when such an innocent perspective is maligned like that. Sadder still is when something so virtuous is seen as depraved...on a Catholic website no less. God help our religion.

* All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Forum Fallout

(From the files of Catholic Match)

If I thought sharing some of my hobbies, personality and humor in the Catholic Match forums might grab the attention of the woman of my dreams, it didn't take long for me to realize how sadly mistaken I was. Not only did I not get along with many of the regular contributors on the site, a great deal of my forum topics and posts caused a certain amount of acrimony among these people.

One of this blog's core beliefs is that the Church should be doing more to help its singles. I've spoken about this on Long Lost Black Sheep far too many times and have highlighted the reasons why I think this is true. My opinion was met with skepticism on the Catholic Match forums however, with some members saying it wasn't the Church's job to get people like me a date. They felt I was just making excuses for my own failures and thought it was ridiculous to place blame on the Church for my chronic singleness. I gave it right back to them and explained how the Catholic Church had far more resources than I did to bring people together. With access to facilities across the region, the Archdiocese could send out a clarion call for singles to meet up in low-cost venues. In some ways, the Church does this already with The National Catholic Singles Conference although that event isn't low-cost and often takes place in locations that are prohibitively far away. I also remarked that at the very least, our Church should be discussing the problem singles face and include us in their prayers. The regular forum users were not impressed although years later, one of my biggest critics admitted I had a point and stated the Church didn't care about single people. He did have to get a dig in against me by prefacing his opinion with the comment: ”Not to sound like someone who used to complain about this all the time....”

While lamenting the lack of Catholic Match women who were informed about world events, I remarked that everyone should have some knowledge of the conflict in the Middle East between Israel and Palestine...at least enough to hold up a conversation where you could justify one side or the other. This comment was met with disbelief by one woman who refused to broaden her horizons and thought my expectations were out in left field. Fast forward to the October 2023 attacks along the Gaza Strip, the subsequent response by Israel and the massive protests and divisions it caused in this country. I guess my forum comment wasn't so wacky after all.

A topic of discussion that was supposed to be on the lighter side of things was music. Forum users often shared favorite songs or posted tunes that pertained to certain categories. Years of listening to college and community radio had opened my world up to so many different genres and countless obscure songs so a good number of my musical selections took people off guard. I had more than one Catholic Match member warn me that my love of goth music was a slippery slope to satanism and suicide. Well, that's not what goth is about and I thought they were pretty ignorant to lump everyone together with the few bad apples that did exist in the genre. Also causing some friction was my utter disdain for hokey Christian rock which seemed to be very popular among Catholic Match members.

As discussed in a previous blog entry, I've had some wonderful opposite sex friendships over the years but for many forum users, such a thing was taboo. Naturally, this caused a fair amount of arguments and at times, it felt like I was talking to people from the 1950s. I placed such a high value on a person's individuality, it didn't matter to me what gender they were. Truth be told, I got along better with some of my female friends than I did some of my male friends because we shared more common interests and personality traits. According to the “trad Catholics” in the forums, having opposite sex friends was dangerous because sooner or later, temptation would set in. When I told one of my female friends about this, she replied, “Those people are idiots.”

In fact, by reading the Catholic Match forums I saw a strange level of discord and misunderstanding between the sexes that reminded me of some Muslim cultures. One regular in the forums who I sparred with all the time admitted that she really didn't understand men and figured things would work out between her future husband and herself once they got married. OH, YOU POOR FOOL!!!! I couldn't help but think how miserable the guy would be for having a wife that clueless.

Even though the Bible really doesn't give us a practical guide for dating and marriage, many forum users expected the men to be near-emotionless providers who were strong at all times while the women ran the households ideally as stay-at-home moms. I thought such notions were naive at best. When one forum member asked what the men of Catholic Match would do to protect their women, I joked, “Buy a rocket launcher.” My type of humor usually went over like a lead balloon.

Despite my bad reputation on the forum, people seemed to be interested in what I had to say. Some of the topics I started had huge numbers of views into the thousands as opposed to a few hundred which was the norm. A few men even sent me private messages of encouragement especially when I put annoying female forum users in their place. One gentleman who commiserated with me said, “I didn't know I was a bad Catholic until I joined Catholic Match.” I could definitely identify with that comment. I went to Mass every week, saved myself for marriage, tried to be a thoughtful person, prayed every day and yet it just wasn't good enough for some forum users.

I even had one of the regular female forum users issue what I considered to be a threat by saying I was hurting my chances at dating since many of the women on Catholic Match read what I posted and often discussed it among themselves. Well, I was only being honest and if these women found fault with my opinions, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

This same regular female forum user posted a topic that caused a firestorm: Chastity vs. Purity. I will discuss this controversy in the next blog entry.

Forum Frustrations

(From the files of Catholic Match)

When I first joined Catholic Match, there seemed to be a few interesting souls on the forums who could also be categorized as “black sheep” since they didn't fit into the (trad)itional Catholic mould. One man in particular came from a very dark background and admitted to having friends in the porn industry even though he did not embrace their lifestyle. Other black sheep were women who considered themselves to be feminists in addition to being Catholic. I thought it was beautiful that despite their very unconventional perspectives, there was something about Catholicism that still attracted them to the faith. Unfortunately, these members seemed to disappear after only a short while and the forums became overrun with users who were somewhat close-minded.

Many long-time Catholic Match members lamented how fun the forums used to be at one time. They could discuss just about any topic in an adult manner without it being banned by moderators. Some felt the forums now suffered from far too many trivial topics because serious and / or controversial subjects weren't encouraged. It's typical of me to show up late to the party so-to-speak and I wonder how things would have gone if I had joined Catholic Match several years earlier.

The website's co-founder Brian grew increasingly frustrated with the negativity on the forums and threatened several times to shut it down completely. He also minimized anything we had to say about the website by making the claim forum users only represented a very tiny portion of the total Catholic Match membership. I proposed the theory that all this negativity was a result of the Church's decline coinciding with the emergence of the first few generations of Catholics who were no longer able to find a potential spouse.

Of course we were frustrated, angry and depressed because we couldn't rely on the traditional methods of courtship that had once helped so many before us enter into the bonds of Holy Matrimony. A look at the obituaries of old-timers usually reveals how they met their spouses and for a lot of Catholics of a certain age, there were dances and other social activities that our generation lacks. If my parish tired to put on a dance, it would be populated by nothing but old people...if anyone bothered to show up at all.

Unfortunately, the “new rules” of online dating leave much to be desired and for a great number of us, they just aren't practical. Some Catholic Match members have commitments that prevent them from pursuing long-distance relationships. Others do not want to date foreigners who cannot speak English very well. Some are unwilling to date people who don't take care of themselves. More often than not, Brian seemed to scold us for our many deal-breakers. According to him, dating has changed for the average Catholic and we need to change our long-held expectations or risk being alone for the rest of our lives. He also claimed some of the obstacles we faced while trying to find a spouse were self-imposed and we should be more flexible.

Well, there are some things I just won't compromise on. Should a gourmet chef who is passionate about his vocation date a woman who only loves junk food? Should a fitness guru date a slob who won't get off the couch? Some of us don't have time to learn a new language and culture just to go on a date. Is that our fault? Even in the world of Catholic dating, attraction plays a role. Should I date a person who is totally unattractive to me? I suppose any couple could have a successful marriage if they had zero expectations but that's not reality.

With no women on Catholic Match to date, I kept coming back to the forums time and time again. In just four short years, I managed to rack up over a million and a half posts. I even saw a few regular forum users pass away without ever finding a spouse. What does all that say about the effectiveness of online dating for Catholics?

All Dead Ends Lead to the Forum

(From the files of Catholic Match)

After a couple of weeks into my Catholic Match membership, the selection of eligible singles who lived in the area was pretty much exhausted.  Branching out to include all of New England and parts of New York also revealed dismal results.  Even searching for women by typing in certain hobbies and music yielded very little for me.  I was starting to get discouraged and had an uneasy feeling about my first foray into the world of online dating.

Then I noticed in the upper corner of my profile page a heading entitled "Forums" and after clicking on it, the website took me to Catholic Match's online community.  Topics of discussion were divided by category and they included: Prayers & Support, Dating & Single Life, Member Meet-ups, Divorced Catholics, Community Help, Saint Peter's Square, Single Parenting, Wedding and Marriage Prep, Ages 45+, Ages Under 45, Widows and Widowers, Understanding the Faith, Sports & Games, Eastern Rites, Entertainment & Humor, and Men's and Women's Discussions.  Saint Peter's Square was for subjects that really didn't fit those other categories.  Community Help was a place to discuss technical issues with the website.  The individual Men's and Women's groups were gender specific and men couldn't see or read what the women were talking about and vice versa (...unless they made a fake account).

There were many rules in the forums.  Everything from banning the use of profane language to demanding topics be meaningful and not trivial.  They listed  "Coke or Pepsi?" as a topic that was too trivial and I found that to be odd since many of the more lighthearted subjects discussed in the forums were actually like that.    

The forums had three volunteer moderators who were also Catholic Match members looking for love.  They had the power to lock a post down if a discussion got out of hand.  Two of the moderators were close to 50 years old and one was close to 60.  This was not a good sign and I wondered how effective Catholic Match was if even the moderators languished on this website year after year after year.

The website's co-creator, who was married with kids, also trolled the forums and sometimes fights broke out with members who were critical of the website.  He too had the power to lock down discussions or simply make them disappear altogether.

I've heard it said that some people fail at online dating because they just can't seem to engage with others based solely on a profile since it reveals no social cues.  Some singles hit it off by reading body language and hearing tones and inflections.  I figured the forums would be a way for me to bring some of my hobbies, personality and humor to the table through the written word and perhaps this might grab the attention of the woman of my dreams.  After all, for each forum participant, there were plenty of "lurkers" who chose to read the forums but either decided not comment or couldn't comment because they had a free membership.

Well, my first post didn't go so well.  I lamented that after two weeks on the site, I felt alone because there weren't any singles who seemed to have much in common with me.  Moderator Jerry, who refused to use a profile photo, remarked that if I was feeling alone, I must be the one with the problem.  That was my first introduction to something that was quite common on Catholic Match: Victim Blaming.

This website made some pretty great claims about finding love and with success stories that bordered on the miraculous, I had high expectations for Catholic Match.  What better way to deflect criticism of this site than to shift blame on individual members.  "Your expectations are too high."  "You're trying to date out of your league."  "You have too many deal-breakers."  "You're being too unrealistic."  "You're not contacting enough women."  (Maybe the website didn't have enough members of the opposite sex who were attractive, witty or moral.  Ever think of that?!)

With dating no longer a realistic possibility, I spent more time in the forums despite my initial disagreement with moderator Jerry.  There were many other members here who had reached dead ends long ago and were now marooned on Catholic Match...not just for years but for decades.  Some were women who had wanted families but were now beyond the age of fertility.  How sad.  If the website's success rate was better, perhaps this would not be the case.

Unfortunately, the Covid lock-downs of 2020 would put an end to all dating in general for quite some time and the forums allowed people to kill time, gain a sliver of human interaction and vent frustrations.  Some Catholic Match members even found a real sense of fellowship here but my interactions with this virtual community usually led to arguments and misunderstanding.

Greetings From New York City

(From the files of Catholic Match)

Early on in my Catholic Match membership, I was contacted by a cute woman from New York City named *Linda.  She lived with her dad in his house and was a caregiver to him.  As we traded messages, the conversation was very cordial.  I could really identify with her when she said how difficult it was to maintain the property.  Things seemed to be progressing nicely and I actually started to contemplate taking some time off from work to visit her.  Was finding a future spouse on this website that easy?  Not quite because as we continued to talk, a few things raised some concern. 

Red Flag #1:  Aside from caregiving, we didn't have a heck of a lot in common with each other as far as our hobbies and tastes were concerned.  This is always a tricky part of dating because ideally, you'd like to find someone who can relate to you on many different levels but it is unrealistic to expect a woman to enjoy the same music, TV shows and movies that you do especially if you like more obscure media.  I'd call this a negotiable part of any relationship but what is important is how she puts up with the things that bring you joy.  Does she belittle your love of science fiction?  Will she criticize you for enjoying a certain genre of music?  Does she recognize your individuality by respecting your hobbies and tastes even if she doesn't understand them?

Well, Linda seemed to think that when a person entered into a romantic relationship, they had to give up many of the things they once enjoyed to focus all their time and attention on being a couple.  This was a big red flag with me because I've seen first hand how some of my friends lost who they were when they had girlfriends or got married.  Sure, becoming one half of a couple means you do have to focus a lot more time and energy on the relationship.  Sure, there are things you give up and things you compromise on BUT it shouldn't mean you have to sell out who you are for the sake of the other person.  Some of the most successful marriages have couples who still enjoy their alone time.

Linda seemed a bit sheltered and when we discussed some favorite activities, I mentioned how much fun it was going to Comic-Con.  She didn't seem open to learning more about that and actually thought dressing in costume was a waste of time.  While I would never want my love of cosplay to be the hill that I die on, I couldn't help but think how nice it would have been if she were more open-minded about new experiences.

Red Flag #2:  She seemed to be mapping out my future life with her even though we had yet to go on a date.  When I mentioned my current dead-end job, I told her that I'd like to quit and find something very different that's more fulfilling.  Well, she mentioned a few businesses in her neck of the woods that offered similar dead-end jobs and suggested I could work there if I moved to New York.  Wow.  Was I really going to pack up and leave everything for a women I hardly knew?  Also, did she not understand the fact that I wasn't happy with my current career choice?  

Red Flag #3: Baggage.  They say when you get to a certain age, everyone has baggage, but I tend to have a small carry-on while others lug around a steamer trunk.  During the course of our conversation she said her last serious relationship lasted for well over a decade and ended badly.  Now I can understand being in love in your 20s and wanting to wait a few years before making a commitment but as many of those middle-aged singles on Catholic Match can attest to: "You don't have all the time in the world."  If the guy she had been dating was truly a decent person, he wouldn't have strung her along for all those years.  She should have figured out that he wasn't being sincere about holy matrimony and cut him loose sometime before they hit the ten year mark.  Sadly, Linda wasn't the only woman on Catholic Match who said they wasted the better part of a decade waiting for a marriage proposal that never came.  

She also admitted to being "foolish" in this relationship.  Now what does that mean?  Sometimes using that word is a polite way of saying they gave into temptation and had sex outside of marriage.  I can't say for sure what happened in Linda's case but as someone who has stayed true to the Church's teaching, it did create more doubts about her.

Some say you should really listen to those red flags because your subconscious mind is trying to tell you the relationship won't work.  Others claim that sometimes a red flag is simply you being too picky.  Despite all my misgivings, I was still willing to see where this potential relationship would go.  Unfortunately, fate would deal a cruel hand.  

As I continued to message Linda, her dad got very sick one night and he passed away.   I asked if she needed anything and offered to help in any way but from that point on, she never talked to me in the same way again.  Ultimately, she stopped messaging me on Catholic Match.

After several months passed, I reached out to her via the e-mail address she once gave me.  Linda said she was well and had met someone special on e-Harmony.  I told her I was glad and offered my continued friendship but never heard back from her ever again.  As of this writing, her profile is still on Catholic Match so I'm not sure if she forgot about it or was still single after all this time.  At any rate, this first foray into the world of online dating wouldn't be repeated for another four years because the number of meaningful interactions I would have with women on Catholic Match all but dried up.  

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Slim Pickin's from the Bay State

(From the files of Catholic Match)

During the first few days of my Catholic Match membership, I searched for the profiles of local women figuring it would be my best chance to get a date.  The results didn't exactly impress me.

One girl from the nearby city of Peabody said in her profile that she liked bowling so with no romantic expectations in mind, I reached out to her hoping we could just get together and go bowling sometime.  I never got a response.  Her profile remained on Catholic Match for many years and with an unwillingness to even talk to a guy who sent her a very benign message, it didn't surprise me.

A woman from Boston contacted me but not only was she not that attractive, she listed disagreement with the Church's position on abortion.  I decided to talk to her anyway but it didn't take long for her elitism to shine.  She wanted to know how “cultured” I was so I mentioned going to museums and taking in a musical every once in a great while.  Now the true test of her character: I also mentioned my low-wage job just to see what would happen.  She decided to end all communication right then and there.  Predictable.

I reached out to another never-married local single with an exotic name but got no response.  A couple of years later, her profile was still on Catholic Match but when I checked it out again, she listed herself as being divorced.  I wondered what happened during those years to warrant such a drastic change.

Another woman from Boston reached out to me and I thought she was very cute.  We were both caregivers and she figured having that one thing in common was a good starting point to a possible relationship.  Unfortunately, the more I talked to her, the more she seemed like she had issues.  At one point in our conversation, she blocked me from sending her any more messages.  I thought, “Oh well.  No big loss.”  After a while, she lifted the block and reached out to me again.  Apparently, she thought I had been talking to other women on the site and got jealous.  Now my guard was up and as we continued to message each other, I tried to learn more about her past.  She didn't reveal much...except for the fact that she had been pregnant once but never had any kids.  Hmmm.  What does that mean?  A miscarriage?  An abortion?  Either way, I wasn't looking for someone with that kind of “experience” and decided to part ways with her.  I was still open to being just friends but the idea went over her head.

It didn't take long for the pool of eligible local singles on Catholic Match to dry up.  Unfortunately, Massachusetts is home to not only some very homely-looking women, but Catholics here tend to be liberal and lukewarm.  These “Kennedy Catholics” as I like to call them, pick and choose which of the key Church teachings to embrace and usually discard anything that's an inconvenience.  Naturally, the local females of Catholic Match reflected this demographic.  A good number of them tended to be flakes as well.  (Also, I don't care about the Red Sox or Patriots and I think the Boston accent is annoying.  There go my chances!) 

Unfortunately, Catholic Match doesn't let you search profiles by state.  Rather, it narrows your choices down to a certain radius from your hometown.  You can select something as small as a twenty-five mile radius but that seriously limits the amount of profiles you'll see, especially if you come from a sparely-populated suburb.  One woman I recognized from church listed Boston and not Beverly as her hometown to protect herself from potential stalkers but doing so skews the search results.  Chances are, many of those Catholic Match residents from Boston probably live somewhere else.

    

The website does let you search a much larger radius but this has its problems too.  If you cast a wide net like a 200+ mile radius, that's a lot of unnecessary profiles to go through especially if long distance relationships are off the table.  Also, there are big differences between someone living in metropolitan New Jersey and someone living in rural Vermont.  

For laughs, I tried to search every single profile on Catholic Match by setting no mile limitations but the site crashed after a while.  Why can't the website follow the lead of Ave Maria Singles and simply list the number of members in each state?  It would certainly make things simpler and more efficient but I have a feeling it would also expose how few local Catholic Match users there really are.  It's very telling when other members from different parts of the country complain in the forums about the lack of local singles.  This was not a good sign.

A Look And A Look Back

(From the files of Catholic Match...)

When I joined Catholic Match in 2018, I made sure to create a very thorough profile with good quality photos. Listed were many of my hobbies and tastes as well as a brief explanation of my ongoing faith journey. This included a few of the problems I had with the Church just to let prospective suitors know where I stood on some issues before they reached out to me. I thought my profile was long enough to give people an accurate snapshot of my life while being short enough to be interesting.

Since this was my first foray into the world of online dating, I didn't know how some of the features on Catholic Match worked. For instance, when you clicked on someone's profile, that person got a notification saying you had checked them out. This was the website's way of trying to encourage more interactions that could lead to dating and marriage but it caused its fair share of problems early on in my Catholic Match membership.

One of the first profiles I clicked on was a woman from the East Coast who I thought was reasonably attractive. A closer look at her profile revealed she was extremely devout and didn't have much in common with me. Plus, I thought some of her other photos weren't that flattering. It was a hard pass. Unfortunately, my simple look at her profile caused her to look back at mine. She quickly sent a message that came on way too strong. Not only did she think we were a great match, she stated that I was the answer to her prayers. Gulp...no pressure.

I thanked her for checking out my profile but said I didn't think we had too much in common when it came to some pretty important things. I also wondered if she had taken the time to read my profile all the way through. After a few more awkward messages, I wished her well in her search but firmly declined to take things further.  This experience rattled me and after a few more incidents like this, I put a lot of thought into whose profile I clicked on.

When scrolling through profiles on Catholic Match, all I had to look at was a single photograph with the person's first name, age and location.  This told me nothing about who they were as a human being so using the website tended to be based on physical attraction only.  There were times when I'd click on an attractive profile photo only to see a lot of red flags and deal-breakers listed in the text of their actual profiles.  Maybe she was too demanding or materialistic.  Perhaps she had unrealistic expectations for her future husband.  Whatever the case might have been, instead of just moving onto the next profile, Catholic Match implied some sort of interest on my part by telling this woman I had just looked at her profile.  On a few occasions, these notifications prompted women I had no interest in to reach out to me.  Ugh!

It was the ever-present fear of the “look back” that reduced the number of profiles I checked out. This was counterproductive when it came to online dating because my fellow men on Catholic Match always gave the advice to click on as many profiles as you could and send lots of messages because finding a spouse online was a “numbers game” in their words. Since the response rate was typically low, the more interactions you had on Catholic Match the better your chances of finding a wife...or so the theory went.

There were some profiles I wanted to click on because I was simply curious about the person's photo not because I wanted to date them. Maybe they were holding a cute dog or featured a background location that seemed interesting. Thanks to those notifications, a look might invite a conversation that I just didn't want to have so I usually opted to move on.

Given my circumstances as a caregiver, long distance relationships were problematic so I had to think very carefully about clicking on those profiles from foreign countries. Still, I could not believe the number of women from the Philippines who reached out to me on their own. Then there were those absolute train wreck profile photos that I would have loved clicking on just to see how bad their profiles really were but with the possibility of a look back looming, it just wasn't worth it.

Eventually, I discovered exceptions to these notifications. If you clicked on the profile of a member of the same sex, they would not be notified. On a few occasions, women who were much younger than me either sent me messages or “liked” my profile without triggering a notification that they had checked me out. I later learned from a discussion in the forums that members of the opposite sex outside your particular age range were also exempt. As one person on the forum explained, this was done to prevent young women from being creeped out by all the old men who were checking out their profiles. So good news all you creepers! You can check out the young women of Catholic Match and they will be none the wiser. Of course, I found it odd these rules and exceptions weren't clearly spelled out when you first joined the dating website. Maybe it was buried in the fine print?

Free members could not see who viewed their profiles but they still received a notification that someone had checked them out.  If they wanted to know who it was, they'd have to pay for full membership.  With no way to distinguish free members from paying members, I couldn't tell who saw what.  After a while, the number of look-backs dropped significantly and this had me wondering if the website was becoming a ghost town.

The profile notification system might have been created with only the best of intentions, but it was doing me more harm than good. In the end, it seemed pretty useless to begin with because as the years went by, I just didn't find very many interesting profiles to click on in the first place.

"There's Always Catholic Match..."

That's what one reader jokingly wrote in the comments section of this blog in 2018.  Joining Catholic Match had been on my mind for quite some time back then, but I just didn't think my life was in a good enough place to start using that particular website.

I first heard about Catholic Match from a friend many years ago and decided to check it out shortly thereafter.  At the time, the website allowed people to preview a handful of profile photos if you checked a box that identified your gender.  If you wanted to see more photos beyond these or if you wanted to click on an individual profile, you needed to create an account.  I thought some of the women weren't bad looking and seeing these teaser profile photos only made me dwell on what possibilities were out there.

Every once in a great while, I'd see ads for Catholic Match in different church bulletins and that had me thinking about what I was missing by not joining.  The website seemed to take its mission of helping singles into the vocation of matrimony seriously and in a comparison of other dating websites, Catholic Match boasted their members were free to marry.  After a long stint of unemployment ended, I decided to finally purchase a six month membership.    

To say my expectations for this website were huge is an understatement but I would soon find out a lot of my preconceived notions about Catholic Match and online dating in general were inaccurate.  Where those free Catholic dating websites were filled with sloppy profiles and terrible photos, I thought the women of Catholic Match were in it to win it.  I expected to see tons of well thought out profiles with great photos.  This was not the case and those blurry, badly lit, sunglasses wearing images plagued this website too.  “How could people pay all that money and then not put in much of an effort?” I thought.  Only later did I realize Catholic Match offered free memberships in addition to paid subscriptions but users had no way of telling one from the other.

Before joining Catholic Match, I tried to imagine what kind of women would be on this website.  Maybe they were reasonably attractive and kindhearted but unsuccessful in love not because of some antisocial personality quirks but because they just couldn't find a guy to fall in love with.  Maybe some of them had gone to all-girls schools for many years and were a bit sheltered.  Maybe they held true to the Church's teachings on premarital sex and found themselves to be outcasts in a secular and sex-crazed world.

Well, despite the website saying its members were free to marry, I soon found out Catholic Match allowed divorced people to join the site...but they could only use it for fellowship and friendship, not dating.  That kind of defeats the purpose of a DATING WEBSITE, doesn't it?  So instead of finding lots of dateless wonders like me, I had to weed out a large number of women who couldn't even go on a date without it being a sin.
 
At the time, Catholic Match featured 7 faith questions about specific Church teachings and users had to answer whether or not they agreed with them.  A heck of a lot of people did not accept the Church's teaching on premarital sex so instead of finding that inexperienced woman of my dreams, I found plenty of ladies who had been around the block and were proud of it.
 
The website also had two useful features that were removed shortly after I joined.  One let people know when you logged in last and this helped to separate active profiles from inactive ones.  Unfortunately, some members were using this information to stalk other members so the feature was eliminated for safety reasons.  The other feature I liked allowed people to search profiles by interests and hobbies.  Catholic Match staff felt it limited members in their quest to find a spouse, however, so they got rid of it.  During my time using that specialized search feature, I found very few women who shared my passions.

Within a few hours of purchasing my subscription, I received a message from a 60+ year old woman from Mexico welcoming me to the website.  This was not a good sign.  Another curiosity about Catholic Match was the large number of women from foreign countries, particularity the Philippines.  Unfortunately, the amount of local women on the site left a lot to be desired.  With almost 2 million people in the Archdioceses of Boston alone, I wondered where the heck everyone was.
 
Still, I looked on the bright side of things and put my faith in God that “the right one” would eventually come long.  After all, there were so many Catholic Match success stories featured on the website with some accounts bordering on the miraculous. 

Well, the world's largest Catholic dating website may have worked out for some but it didn't work for me.  After 4 years and 6 months, I decided against renewing my paid subscription.  Being on the site was an interesting experience and one that I will probably blog about in the near future.  I certainly won't discourage anyone from joining Catholic Match because it really could be how you find your significant other.  Unfortunately for me, my time on the website seemed to be a big waste of time.