An Honest Obituary

Many years ago, my mother and I tried a new restaurant in a neighboring city and during our dinning experience, we had a nice conversation with the establishment's very gregarious owner. During subsequent visits, he never missed the chance to say hello and always treated us with kindness. This restaurateur was also an entrepreneur who had established different kinds of businesses over the years and even though we didn't know many details about his personal life, my mother and I found him to be very charismatic. It was a shock to us when we learned of his sudden passing under mysterious circumstances.

When his obituary was published, I was struck by its honesty. Of course, he was described as passionate and larger-than-life. Also mentioned was his kindheartedness. Beneath that loud exterior was a caring person who went out of his way for others and maintained close life-long friendships. Then the obituary stated that upon meeting him for the first time, people fell into two camps: Those who loved him and those who stayed away but either way, you never forgot him. I found those words to be refreshingly genuine, so much so that they have always stayed with me over the years.

While most obituaries sugarcoat the truth, a few have been brutally honest, usually written by the survivors of abusive parents. One stated, “She will not be missed by her children and they understand that this world is a better place without her.” Another read, “All of us will really only miss what we never had, a good and kind mother, grandmother and great-grandmother. I hope she is finally at peace with herself. As for the rest of us left behind, I hope this is the beginning of a time of healing and learning to be a family again."

One writer of a brutally honest obituary stated that she wasn't trying to be hateful. Rather, she was expressing her anger remarking, "I don't understand if we don't talk about this, how are we supposed to...break the cycle of trauma, especially generational trauma?"

Certain euphemisms regularly appear in obituaries like “passed away at home” and “died unexpectedly.” These might be used to conceal very tragic circumstances while “surrounded by loved ones” might imply the end of a long and horrible illness. If given the choice, I'd prefer an obituary that wasn't whitewashed.

I've often read in obituaries pretty interesting stories about how the deceased met their spouse. One local gentleman spent time working in England as a young man and while riding a bus, he just happened to strike up a conversation with a woman who was also from America. As someone who struggled all his life to even go on a date, I found myself asking, “What are the odds?” I also noticed that many couples met early on while in high school, college, or at the start of their long careers. That kind of luck always seemed to elude me and if for some reason I passed away tomorrow, I'd want this aspect of my life to be mentioned. For all the love I had to give, I never found a woman to share it with. Instead, I seem to attract people who bother or harass me.

Much like my restaurateur acquaintance, I can be divisive and this should be included in my obituary. Some people think I'm far too opinionated and judgmental. Others see a caring, gentle and passionate individual who values true friendship but has little tolerance for phoniness. I don't have many friends but the ones in my life who see the “real me” know just how much I love them and how much I go out of my way for them.

I'd want some of my hobbies listed too because not only are they expressions of my creativity, they help people understand my feelings of isolation and loneliness. You won't find a love of the New England Patriots or Harley Davidson motorcycles in my obituary but you will see a passion for very obscure interests. A few of these hobbies turned into full-fledged causes that often ended in failure but that made the struggle no less worthy of being pursued.

In addition to the difficult sacrifices I made care giving for my parents and remaining steadfast in certain Catholic values, I'd also want it stated that this world left me feeling disillusioned and brokenhearted. Bullied for most of my life, I never really found a place where I truly belonged. A long lost black sheep to the end. To pretend otherwise doesn't accurately reflect what is.