Caregiving's Double Whammy

A fellow co-worker who also helps his elderly mother with her health needs once told me about a billboard he saw while driving into Boston.  The advertisement for AARP featured a child with her mother and then that same child as an adult with her elderly mother behind the caption “Roles Change.”  He admitted seeing this made him feel a little sad.  In my opinion, one of the most painful things about being a caregiver for an elderly parent is seeing them suffer.  These once able-bodied people brought us into the world and sacrificed so much to make sure we had good upbringings but now they rely on us for some of their most basic needs.  

As if this wasn't enough, caregiving can also cut us down in another way by seriously stunting our social lives.  My mother doesn't drive anymore so it's up to me to take her to doctors appointments, food shopping, Mass or wherever else she wants to go.  Coupled with my busy work schedule, this leaves very little “me time” beyond decompressing in front of the TV or computer for a while.  I imagine how great it would be to spend those hours hanging out with a girlfriend.  Too bad we can't save all that wasted time for when better days finally arrive.

When my mother and I go to a restaurant for lunch or dinner there's usually only elderly patrons around so the chances of even seeing a pretty girl are slim to none.  There have even been times when we have gone to a restaurant in the early afternoon after a doctor's appointment and the place is devoid of customers.  Talk about a portrait of isolation with all those empty chairs and tables.

And then there are those many doctors appointments.  I get to see other people (mostly elderly) in waiting rooms who are in various degrees of suffering.  As terrible as all this sounds, I'm glad to make these sacrifices for my mother even though I long for a more balanced life.  In the Bible it's written “My child, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if his mind fails, be patient with him; because you have all your faculties do not despise him.  For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, and will be credited to you against your sins.”  I'm the only one my mother has to help her out and nothing brings this point home more than when she leans on me when we walk somewhere.

You'd think all of this would be seen as a positive by eligible single women.  Here's a guy who is putting his life on hold to care for a loved one.  He is going above and beyond to make sure family comes first.  If he does all of this for his mother, he will certainly be there for his future wife too.  But I find most women don't think like this at all.  They see a caregiver as a mamma's boy whose life isn't where it should be.  Our sacrifices instill fears that we could wind up paying more attention to our parents than them.  Over the years, there's been only one female around my age who thought my efforts as a caregiver were admirable, but then again, she was just a friend and didn't have to date me! 

After checking out the Catholic internet dating scene for a while now, I am amazed by all the women who say how important it is for their prince charming to be “goal-oriented” and “established” in his career.  As a caregiver, my career path isn't where I'd like it to be but I still make money.  This could be seen as a positive.  Here's a guy who sucked up his pride and got back on his feet with a lower-status job when life threw him for a loop.  Isn't that preferable to the man who lost his high-status job and wastes a lot of time searching for something similar?

With all of my mother's health issues, I am not that goal-oriented right now because we live our lives one day at a time.  You'd think on a Catholic dating website, moral choices would win out over secular ones but as someone once pointed out to me, women like stability.  It's ingrained into their genetics.  If they are the ones who have children, then the man is seen as the provider and the more success in his life, the more attractive he becomes.  If that's the case, then being a caregiver must make me one very unattractive guy.