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| The dedication plaque at the entrance to the Carmelite Chapel |
I planned to write his eminence a letter and then hand it to him after Mass but there was so much to discuss, it became difficult to narrow everything down. Thanks to a busy work schedule, the end of the week arrived and I still hadn't typed anything up yet. About an hour before Mass, I cleared my mind and just put pen to paper.
Dear Cardinal Sean,
I was wondering if anyone in our Holy Church is giving much thought to those of us who are called to marriage but cannot find a spouse? The “Catholic singles crisis” seems to be talked about on blogs but very little is done on the parish or regional level to help those of us who struggle to fulfill their vocation to marriage.
On an average day, the Carmelite Chapel sees fewer than 5 worshipers under the age of 50 during Mass. Other parishes that I've been to have mostly elderly with some families and a few young adults but singles like me seem to be far and few in between. Parish activities so far have only focused on families, prayer, or encouraging vocations to the priesthood. Why isn't more being done to encourage marriage?
I've asked 3 pastors, two bishops, and several priests this only to be dismissed over the decades. When I wanted to form my own young adult group at St. Mary's in Beverly, the pastor at the time shot this idea down. Now I have long “aged out” of being in any young adult group. Catholic singles are invisible to most people in the Church. I can't understand this. With dwindling attendance at Mass, shouldn't the Church do much more to bring singles together to get married and have families that are raised in loving Catholic homes?
I think men who see life-long celibacy as a virtue don't see what a defeat it is if you have been called to marriage. Being single is lonely and at times painful. I am called to Holy Matrimony but have no way to fulfill this calling. When you embrace the Church's moral values, it shrinks the dating pool significantly and as the years go by, it becomes so much more difficult to find a good Catholic spouse.
One priest said to me, “40 is the new 30. You still have time to have a family.” 40 is 40. Women at that age face increasing infertility. (Satan laughs when devout Catholic women who still seek a husband can no longer have children.) Another priest suggested I try Catholic internet dating. I have and these websites are terrible. There are very few active members on them despite their claims of large numbers of singles and only a small fraction of people on these sites actually find spouses.
Something more needs to be done at the Church level. Priests, the Pope and you need to help Catholic singles. (A once-a-year conference in some far away state just doesn't do anything to help people like me.) Start talking about this problem. Stop selling me a vocation to the priesthood. This is not my calling. It is also not God's will either. Please help us black sheep of the Catholic Church.
When I finished writing this letter, the Mass had already started and by the time I arrived at the unusually packed Carmelite Chapel, Cardinal Sean's sermon was over. After Mass, Cardinal O'Malley stayed in the chapel's hallway to greet parishioners. Now was my chance. I shook his hand and asked if I could give him a letter that shared my perspective on being a Catholic single adding, “It's nothing mean.” He smiled and said yes so I handed him the letter, thanked him and then went on my way. I don't have high hopes anything will come of this but I had to try. At the very least, Cardinal O'Malley now knows there are Catholic singles out there who need his (and the Church's) help. He can choose to do something about it or he can dismiss my pleas like so many clergy have done before.
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