The Cure for Starvation is Food

It amazes me how little support Catholic singles get from not only the Church but from other Catholic singles.  Loneliness is not a good thing.  In fact, it can be quite hazardous to your health and study after study shows when people lack meaningful connections with others, they tend not to live as long.  It's even been said that loneliness is worse for your long-term health than smoking or obesity.  Then there's the oft quoted factoid that on average married people live longer than their unattached counterparts.  So why do a lot of my fellow singles think being alone is no big deal?

On one particular Catholic dating chat room, I earned a “Gloomy Gus” reputation because I dared to say that being single was miserable.  Despite all the talk of brotherhood and fraternity, there wasn't much sympathy to be found from the Catholic men on the site.  Instead I was told to suck it up.  One chat room member even went so far as to question my mental health because he did things by himself all the time and it didn't bother him.  He said he could travel, take in a concert, go to a restaurant and do many other activities without having to dwell on being alone.  Well, I've done many of those things to death by myself and I just get tired of never having anyone to share those experiences with.

I guess a lot of Catholic men (and many women) think the only emotions the male gender of the species are entitled to fall somewhere between stoic and angry.  In their eyes, to complain about loneliness is to show weakness and that isn't tolerated.  Sometimes I'm reminded of a public service announcement on the radio that starts with someone saying, “It's only cancer.  Get over it.”  Then the point is raised, “If we wouldn't say that to someone with cancer then why do we say that to someone with depression?”  Then it's explained how serious a mental health problem depression is with thousands of people taking their lives each year.  I guess for many Catholics, there's no legitimate reason to be sad about being single.  These folks often quip, “Others have it worse than you.” or “God loves us and that's all we should need.”  Maybe they'll say we should be patient because God has a plan for us.  Despite their good intentions this advice isn't very helpful and sometimes, it's actually hurtful because it trivializes those deep feelings of isolation that can't be shaken off so easily.

Some Catholics in this chat room have said we need to view being single as an opportunity to better ourselves.  A few of my fellow brothers in Christ suggested taking up weightlifting and eating healthier so that when a woman does enter our lives, we'll be on our A-game.  Well, this assumes we'll actually meet an eligible member of the opposite sex at some point.  Then there's the Law of Diminishing Returns.  Self-improvement only goes so far and it's a pretty useless thing if you never actually find anyone to date.  Besides, I know plenty of people in successful marriages who tied the knot when they weren't in the best of shape or when they didn't have ideal jobs.

Then there are the numerous articles put out by Catholic dating websites and bloggers alike that seek to put a Band-aid on a gaping wound with titles similar to: “Being Single Doesn't Mean You Have To Feel Alone” or “A Survival Guide For Catholic Singles During The Holidays” or “How To Be A Happy Single.”  I think articles like these can be helpful in the short-term but they are ultimately useless to chronic singles who have seen decades slip by without a significant other.
 
When someone is starving we don't send them articles like: “Ten Things To Take Your Mind Off Eating” or “You Can Be Happy and Hungry.”  We give them food.  Sure, we want to comfort singles when they feel despair but anything short of helping them find a spouse fails to address the root cause of their problem.

After so many years of being alone, I finally met someone through a dating website this year.  She found my profile photo to be attractive and decided to reach out to me.  We chatted for a few weeks via the online messenger and then met in real life at a restaurant of my choosing.  The date went very well so we continued to see each other.  In that time, it felt so good to be with someone.  All my years of loneliness and isolation (and the anxiety that came with it) just melted away.  I was no longer that strange loner sitting by himself.  I was part of an “us” whether we were going for a walk on a rail trail or just innocently cuddling on the couch.  Unfortunately, she didn't think we were compatible enough and decided to dump me after our fifth date but for one brief shining moment, I got a taste of what had been missing in my life for so long.  It turned out, I didn't need psychotherapy.  I didn't need to lift weights, to eat healthier, to take up wood carving or to read more.  No, I needed a girlfriend.  It's time my fellow Catholic singles and the websites that cater to them realized this!