Reality Is Reality

Recently, I watched a documentary about a music video television station from the Boston area called V-66. The man behind this venture felt he could do a much better job than MTV and thanks to a lot of hard work and innovation, V-66 started to make a name for itself during the mid-1980s. Of course, it helped that V-66 was a free over-the-air station at a time when some communities in New England still lacked cable TV.

For all the buzz V-66 generated, it only lasted about a year and a half before being sold to the Home Shopping Network. The station's owner explained V-66 was losing money and if he wanted to avoid going into debt, he had to make the hard choice to pull the plug on his creation while there was still time. In his words, “Reality is reality.” While the station's demise was sad news for Boston area music video lovers, V-66's investors still made a tidy profit.

Sometimes in life you can have all the hope in the world but it doesn't get you very far when your good intentions smash right into the brick wall of reality. The words from V-66's owner echoed in my mind when I thought about my current situation as a Catholic single.

Reality: I just don't know where to go to meet other singles. Bars and nightclubs are actually terrible places for meeting people especially if you're shy and looking for someone who shares certain core values that mainstream society rejects.

Reality: The part of the country I live in tends to be very liberal politically and most residents have a local quirkiness that just turns me off.

Reality: I encounter a heck of a lot of elderly people in my travels but eligible women close to my own age are a rarity. Sometimes several months will pass before I even see someone that's attractive (and I'm not looking for a perfect 10 either).

Reality: Almost everyone my age carries a lot of baggage with them which means I won't likely find a significant other who is equally yoked.

Reality: Much younger women are off the table. There's too much of a generation gap and at my age, they remind me of the daughter I never had.

Reality: Online dating is a joke. It's very difficult to get to know someone when you're not talking to them face-to-face but the selection found on some dating websites leaves a lot to be desired.

Reality: Getting to know someone in real life takes a long time and unless the person is very open and honest, you'll never know how a relationship might turn out. There are plenty of miserable married people who say they'd be much happier if they were single and alone.

Reality: Even if I found a woman who shared the same values, goals and desires, it is personality that makes all the difference.  The people I get along with most in life actually have very different values and religious beliefs.

Reality: I'm getting too old for the married life I used to dream about. Is raising a family even possible when statics show very few men in my age bracket have kids? Would I even have the energy?

Reality: I've been alone for so long, someone entering my life would need to be very patient and understanding but when I look at most of my friends' relationships, there's only disharmony and resentment as they get older.

Reality: While I'm good at saving money and avoiding debt, I've only worked dead-end jobs. That's a big red flag for the vast majority of women. Unemployment is even worse and there are times when I've quit a job with nothing to fall back on.

Reality: Caregiving for my elderly mother continues to take an enormous toll. I can no longer up and go somewhere whenever I feel like it. Dating someone who lives far away is pretty much off the table and I have so very little free time to begin with.

Reality: I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm too liberal for conservatives and too conservative for liberals. I'm not a cafeteria Catholic but don't fit in with trad Catholics either. While I enjoy certain hobbies, music, movies and TV shows, their fans just annoy me.

Reality: It's hard enough to make and keep friends so how am I supposed to find a wife? I've been burned by a lot of people I've cared about while other friends just quietly disappear.

Reality: There might be a great woman out there that I have a lot in common with but because she lives thousands of miles away in a place I've never heard of, there's no way we'll ever meet.

All these realities don't give me much hope that I'll ever find a wife or even a girlfriend and while a miracle could still happen, I think it's highly unlikely...and those are pretty bad odds.

Valentine's Day Reflections On Ten Years Later

This February marks the ten year anniversary of Long Lost Black Sheep. I created this blog out of frustration for the way the Catholic Church treated its singles who wanted to get married. After reading other blogs on the subject, I felt it was time to share my perspective knowing full well that what I had to say might not be embraced by many traditional Catholics since I refused to shy away from being critical of our clergy. They had neglected people like me for far too long and if singles weren't being given bad advice, they were treated as if they were invisible. I wanted to challenge our spiritual leaders to do better and help out whenever they could. After all, the future of the Catholic Church depended on it whether they realized it or not.

Over the past ten years, I did manage to meet with our regional bishop and spoke to him at great length about the subject. I also hand delivered a letter to Cardinal O'Malley but sadly, not much of anything ever came of it. The bishop recommended I join a Catholic dating website, and the Cardinal sent me a form letter that failed to address anything I talked about.

I also used this blog to chronicle many of my personal experiences growing up in the Catholic faith. I especially wanted to highlight some of the different parishes I belonged to and share stories about my days in Catholic school. I figured capturing these moments in time from long ago might provide valuable lessons but unfortunately, this aspect of the blog has fallen by the wayside over the years.

Interestingly, the most popular entry on this blog by far is the one about disgraced former Bishop Fenwick chaplain Fr. Jim Nyhan. A Google search about this ex-priest usually leads most people right to this website. All of the other content on Long Lost Black Sheep doesn't have anywhere near the numbers as that particular blog entry.

Lastly, if there were any subjects that had nothing to do with Catholicism or being single, I'd still blog about them just to get my observations out there. Over the past ten years, many of those other Catholic singles blogs have disappeared but Long Lost Black Sheep soldiers on even if it's become an increasing struggle to find the necessary free time to write. Working the night shift for many years has ruined my sleep patterns and the demands of caregiving for my elderly mother grows with each passing year.

I know I can be judgmental and divisive at times but I hope there are readers out there who get something useful out of this site. Most blog entries generate no feedback whatsoever. Every once in a great while someone will post a thoughtful comment but more often than not I hear from the “peanut gallery” who make snarky remarks or ask intrusive questions. Keep in mind, I moderate all comments and if someone crosses a line, their words never see the light of day.

Over these past ten years, I followed the bishop's advice and joined a Catholic dating website but the experience was not that great and a portion of this blog highlights some of the drama. Long Lost Black Sheep would never have been popular on the now defunct CatholicMatch forum but to my surprise, a couple of my biggest critics grudgingly agreed with me that the Church needed to do more for it's younger singles who seek marriage.

During my time on CatholicMatch, I only dated one woman for a few months and what began as a wonderfully hopeful experience ended very abruptly. It's left me confused, wary and highly doubtful that I'll ever find anyone to be in a relationship with.

This Valentine's Day, I pondered all the words of encouragement people have given me over the years. “God will answer your prayers.” “You'll eventually find someone.” “There's someone for everyone so it's only a matter of time.” Such sentiments seem very hollow right now even if they were well-intentioned.

So much time has been lost that my dream of falling in love and getting married feels all but dead. If only there had been some kind of help for Catholic singles when I was in my 20s or 30s or 40s.  If only the people I talked to about being single had actually taken me seriously.

Where Japan Leads, The Church Follows

The Mass I usually attend was once fairly crowded but over the course of a few years, the number of parishioners has drastically thinned out. Often in 2025, I'd see one whole section of the church empty or with only three or four worshipers sitting in the pews. The parish is almost entirely made up of old people and witnessing such a sharp drop off in attendance has me thinking of what's been going on in Japan.

Of all the countries in the world, Japan has the highest proportion of elderly citizens and as of 2022, a little over 29% of the population was above the age of 65. That number is expected to climb in the next few decades. Japan's seniors also live a very long time and the country is home to the largest number of centenarians on the planet. While all this is going on, the nation has also been suffering from a low fertility rate. Since 1974, the number of children being born from each woman in her lifetime has remained below the replacement threshold.

Economic factors are usually cited for this downturn. Japan continues to suffer from a decades-long economic slump and regular employment has seen significant decreases over the years. On average, temporary and part-time jobs pay 53% less each month when compared to regular employment. With such financial insecurities, many young people feel they can't afford to have kids. Poor work / life balance and a lack of affordable daycare also contributes to couples putting off having children.

Another interesting aspect of the aging of Japan is the blame some place on the nation's young people. They claim newer generations have created a low desire culture where both sexes express little ambition to court each other. The unflattering term “herbivore men” is used to describe young males who are not interested in getting married or even having a girlfriend. “Parasite singles” typically describe young unmarried women who continue to live with their parents so they can enjoy a more carefree lifestyle.

Some have suggested Japan's young people no longer have enough places where they can interact. Others theorize there's a growing division between the sexes about what's expected of them when it comes to dating and relationships. High levels of anxiety might also scare young men and women away from each other. Whatever the reasons for this apparent lack of romantic initiative, rates of virginity among 20 and 30 year-olds are still increasing with a 2022 survey finding about 40% of unmarried men in their 20s have never been on a date while 25% of young adult women said they never dated.

Rural villages have been hit the hardest by these declines in young people with empty houses and closed schools becoming commonplace. Government incentives hoping to encourage young adults to move to these rural communities have had little success. One artist from the village of Nagoro wanted to make her aging community look more active so she created scarecrow-like dolls to fill the void. Perhaps my church should have some of these dolls placed in the pews to make Mass feel more crowded.

Japan is a prime example of the dire consequences that eventually arise when we fail to encourage and support our young people on their difficult journey into full-fledged adulthood. Over the years, I've brought my concerns regarding Catholic singles to my pastors, the regional bishop and the Cardinal but none of them considered what I had to say to be a priority. One pastor in particular insisted as people got older and thought more about life and death, they would ultimately come back to church. Fast forward to 2025 and it's obvious that hasn't happened. It won't happen either because more and more people feel they can do without religion.

Much like Japan's incentives to convince young people to move to those rural villages, the Church's various campaigns to increase its membership appear to have missed the mark. This is especially clear when I look at all those recently empty pews.

When All Else Fails...Blame Men?

I was casually searching the internet a while ago and found the r/CatholicDating sub on Reddit. One post that caught my eye was from a woman who had tried CatholicMatch and was very disappointed because that dating site was filled with “creepers” in her humble opinion.

This woman's list of complaints regarding the men of CatholicMatch was long and as I read through it, a thought popped into my mind. All of her grievances could have applied to many of the women on CatholicMatch too. The thing is, few people on that dating site ever check out the profiles of the same gender.

I thought much of what she said was unfair so I decided to create a post of my own on r/CatholicDating to refute her accusations. I entitled it: CatholicMatch Creepers? Not Great From My End Either

She complained there were too many men who did not agree with all of the Church's teachings. I said there were plenty of women on CatholicMatch who also disagreed with those values adding that the prettier the woman, the more likely she did not agree with the Church's teachings on pre-marital sex.

She complained about terrible profiles so I said there were plenty of women with poorly written and cringeworthy profiles who put in a minimal effort when it came to selecting a profile photo. I also retold the story of a woman on the CatholicMatch forums who once griped about profile photos of men who posed with the fish they just caught. The funny thing was, I have seen women on CatholicMatch choose a profile photo where they were posing with the fish they just caught.

I also mentioned the poor success rate of CatholicMatch for men like me. After years on the site, I only managed to date one person for a few months but even she took issue with some of the Church's core teachings.

I closed my post by saying, “So I don't think CatholicMatch is terrible only if you're a woman. And I don't think there aren't any good Catholic guys left for the tons of devout Catholic women who don't have anyone to date because you're only seeing half the story.”

After my post was uploaded to r/CatholicDating it was deleted by the moderators shortly thereafter before anyone had a chance to discuss it. Nothing I wrote seemed to violate the group's rules and my post was certainly less negative than the woman who categorized most of the men on CatholicMatch as creepers. This reflected the typical double standard in the world of Catholic dating. Women are holy, pure and can do no wrong while men are lustful, inept, and have everything wrong with them.

In years past, I've read a few Catholic blogs written by women who lament the lack of good and devout Catholic men. Oh, we're out there but perhaps you can't see us because we don't measure up to your vision of the dream guy which must be a combination of Prince Charming, Padre Pio and the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. It's odd that men get scolded all the time for being too superficial but who chastises Catholic women for dismissing those awkward but nice guys who just need some encouragement?

During my time on the CatholicMatch forums, women used to complain all the time about men...but rarely got called out by the moderators in the same way that the men did who complained about women. One female in particular was upset with a guy who had initiated a conversation but then disappeared. Now the same thing happens to plenty of men all the time but this forum user felt the need to bash us guys for such behavior.

She accused Catholic men of forgetting how to court and date. (As a devout woman, she informed us that it wasn't her job to chase or pursue, of course.) She lamented the presence of so many “emotionally constipated men” on the site who were not well formed or healthy. Had she known there were so many “dualistic” “insecure” and “projecting” guys in the Catholic dating scene, she would have married one of the many “GOOD” secular men she had met in life who were “solid in the core” and of “good character.” All I could think was, “Yes, it's all the fault of men that you're a single, middle-aged woman right now and there's not the slightest thing wrong with you.”

I think if Catholic men defend their gender in the face of these complainers, they get accused of “picking on a girl” but nowhere do I see pressure put on these devout women to be more accepting and understanding of the opposite sex. Ultimately, it seems like us men get blamed for everything that's gone wrong in the Catholic dating scene.

Salt On An Open Wound

Some of the “friends” on my Facebook page are anything but friends and it still amazes me how people you have almost no connection with will think it's totally appropriate to send along a friend request. I find such relationships (if you can call them that) are rarely balanced. Several years ago, I was chatting on a public Facebook page when a woman who I had gone to middle school with saw what I wrote and asked if I was a former classmate of hers. I said yes and in no time she was sending me that friend request. I thought it was strange she reached out to me because in middle school I had almost no interactions with her.

Despite my better judgment, I accepted her request and we reminisced on the messenger for a little while about the teachers and fellow students we once knew. After this initial contact, we stopped interacting for the most part. Her path in life as a married woman with adult children was as different from my life as her hobbies, political beliefs and favorite music were. Whenever she posted anything to Facebook, it never resonated with me. Whenever I posted something, she rarely reacted. So now two people with little in common had a connection that seemed to serve no purpose.

She would often post photos of her many social activities whether it was vacationing with her husband or going to a concert with friends. As a lonely single guy, I found this content to be annoying to look at. Every now and then she'd post a video from one of her favorite 80s heavy metal bands thinking it made her look like a rebel. A few times, I'd post a song from some obscure dark metal or goth band to see if I'd get a reaction from her. I never did.

This Valentine's Day she posted two memes and really bothered me. The first said: “I LOVE MY HUSBAND EVERY DAY. NOT JUST ON VALENTINE'S DAY.” Hey, that's great for you but there are people out there who have never been married and don't have anyone to love romantically.

The second meme was more vulgar and reminded me of why many Massachusetts residents live up to the nickname Masshole. It said:

 This person had lost their mother many years ago and I suspect she posted this as a way of saying we needed to put our problems into perspective. However, I lost my dad years ago too so even though we shared the same kind of pain, her post still angered me. Not only did I think it trivialized the real pain of loneliness, the vulgarity of her post was like a giant up yours to single people in general. I found these words to be incredibly insulting and had to respond in the comments section by saying, “At some point in their lives most people have had a mother on Mother's Day and a father on Father's Day but there are some people who have NEVER had anyone to love on Valentine's Day. This post is like salt on an open wound.”

It was so easy for someone who was happily married for such a long time to be critical of those who still longed for even a fraction of the kind of love she enjoyed. I was ready to call her out on that point and many more. After signing out of Facebook, I braced myself for yet another keyboard war but when I signed back in later on that night, she had not said anything. This was the other reaction I anticipated.

It was easier for her to ignore what I wrote than to admit she might have crossed a line. This “friend” thought it was better to answer with silence than to ask why I thought she was being insensitive. The lack of any response made me wonder why I even had her on my Facebook page in the first place. This same person would sometimes post about the importance of seeing the warning signs of mental illness and depression in those around you. Too bad she didn't take her own advice.

To add further insult to injury, one of her friends responded to my comments by saying she understood what I was going through. Then she talked about how she was unattached on Valentine's Day just like me. If you thought this might have been the start of a romantic relationship, think again. As this woman continued to describe herself, she dug herself deep into a hole she couldn't climb out of. She described herself as being weird. (Ladies, if you think that's a terrible opening line for a guy, then you shouldn't use it either!) Then she talked about her dysfunctional relationship with her parents and then mentioned being divorced with kids. Needless to say, I didn't respond to her comments.

Interactions like these illustrate why I think Facebook has cheapened the art of having meaningful connections with others.  My "friend" might not have intended to be meanspirited but often times people who have never experienced prolonged loneliness and isolation have no clue how insensitive they can be.

Running Into the Arms of Porn

           Howard Wolowitz                

I must have lived a very sheltered life because even in my early-20s, I had never seen pornographic videos before. Nude photos in an old magazine or a racy sex scene in a movie was all that I had ever known. I was so pathetic back then, I remember lusting after commercials for a pay-per-view program called The Bikini Open but since we didn't have cable television, there was no way I could have seen it. Yet, when my brother found a stash of “x-rated” videos hidden in the trunk of my dad's car, I refused to watch them because I felt it crossed a line.

As I entered my mid-20s, finding a girlfriend was still a very elusive thing. Not helping the situation were a few aspects of my life that seriously handicapped the odds of being successful at dating. I was out of college, underemployed, too shy to regularly go out to clubs and bars and somewhat of a geek. My hobbies were either dominated by grumpy old men or involved spending a lot of time alone. With very few quality friendships, I usually hung out with people who often annoyed me or weren't the best influence. One friend in particular tended to make morally questionable choices. We had grown up together since the second grade and loved playing army, watching science fiction, and riding our bikes back then but as we got older, he smoked pot, slept around and watched porn.

As a few more years passed with still with no girlfriend in sight, that friend now had a few premium channels on cable and out of curiosity, I watched some of those 1990s softcore Cinemax movies. I found it laughable that these programs actually had plots which were usually terrible because 99% of all guys watched these movies just for the women. These Cinemax movies aired late at night so with the help of my TV Guide, I'd have him program his VCR to record a few for me.

Perhaps I should not have done this but I liked to call these movies “junk food for the soul.” If you were a starving man and the only thing around to eat was an unhealthy candy bar, you'd eat the candy bar no matter how bad it was for you. Maybe you'd regret it later on but in that moment, you didn't want to starve to death. That's the way I thought about these videos. After feeling so lonely for so long, at least these Cinemax movies made me feel something other than emptiness. They reminded me that I was a sexual being filled with passions that I wanted to share with another. Like that candy bar, I often felt regret after watching these videos because I had wasted so much time and they were no substitute for a relationship with a real woman.

It would have been so nice to have a girlfriend in my mid-20s because all that wasted time could have been spent building a relationship with her, passing new milestones together and trying to figure out how to love another human being romantically. Even though well-meaning people would tell me, “There's someone for everyone.” and “You'll meet the right one soon.” none of their words seemed to ring true.

Now inching into my late-20s, that bad influence of a friend started watching hardcore porn and if he had it playing in the background, I didn't tell him to turn it off. (I was still pretty clueless about what actual sexual intercourse even looked like.)  Around this time, a friend of a friend who I saw occasionally was also starting to become a bad influence. He was a couch potato, totally unsuccessful with women and watched porn too. If the choice was to sit at home and do nothing or get together with these people, I'd usually hang out with them even though I prayed to God for better friends. Sadly, my prayers were never answered as I entered my 30s.

Years ago, a woman in an online Catholic chat room posted a video of a priest's sermon where he decried pornography by saying it was the number one cause of why men didn't want to enter the priesthood. I thought it was typical of what was wrong with our Church today. Firstly, this man of the cloth's primary concern was with men not becoming priests but he didn't seem to care about the single men who desired Holy Matrimony. There was also talk of how porn destroyed marriages and families. Again, he missed the mark when it came to singles.

Secondly, (and this is something many Catholic women do all the time) he underestimated how strong an average guy's sexual desires really were. If men don't get what they want out of life, they'll usually look for an outlet somewhere else even if it's detrimental to them in the long term. There's no way I ever wanted to hang out with loser friends in my 20s and watch porn yet here we were.

During this online chat, I brought up the character of Howard Wolowitz from the TV sitcom Big Bang Theory and explained how he was creepy and obsessed with porn because he was so lonely. When a good strong woman entered his life, he turned himself around, got rid of the porn, and became one of the most well-adjusted characters on the show. I made the case that yes, while there are inept creepers out there who will never change, many men would rather not embrace porn. We tend to see it as a last resort when the only other option is to feel dead inside.

I got slammed for sharing this opinion and one guy accused me of justifying the porn industry. I wasn't doing anything of the sort. I was merely saying that when Catholics complain about men like me but do nothing practical to help change such behaviors, they risk sending us running into the arms of porn.

Changing Rites Of Passage

Kids of my generation knew Christmas was inching a bit closer when the Sears Catalog arrived in the mail. My parents would hand my older brother and me the very thick book and tell us to put check marks next to the pictures of toys we wanted with the stipulation that we wouldn't get everything on our list. This gave my parents a guide on what to get us for Christmas but even back then we understood our desire for every single toy we checked off would be tempered by what they could afford.

After my parents placed orders for everyone's gifts, the catalog was no longer needed but my brother and I would continue to look though the toy section for hours on end. We'd fantasize about which toys they might get us and during the late 1970s, Star Wars action figures, plastic army men and Tonka trucks were the primary objects of our affection. During the early and mid 1980s, we mostly longed for Transformers and G.I. Joes and if boys didn't need enough temptation, Sears offered a few exclusive paint schemes for some G. I. Joe vehicles. In an era before instant gratification, those photos of toys in the Sears Catalog captured our attention year after year.

As I got a little older, something curious happened. Instead of only looking through the toy section, I started to take notice of the pictures of women wearing lingerie and swimsuits in the clothing section. Back then, I had no idea what sex was about but the very shape of a woman's body was now grabbing my attention. My fantasies about toys were giving way to daydreams about these women. My brother wasn't immune to their effects either because some pages of the Sears Catalog would go missing and wind up hidden in his room.

It's funny how boys spend most of their childhood thinking girls are gross, but when puberty starts to kick in, all that changes. I still remember how strong waves of desire washed over me, even if I was too young to do anything about those feelings. The 80s were still a time of innocence. When I was a kid, seeing images of naked or scantily clad women was an extremely rare occurrence. Children were largely protected from such things because of the many safe harbors society had set up so we had to settle for whatever we could find.

In addition to the Sears Catalog, there was an edition of Time Magazine that made quite an impression on me because it featured a risqué photo of actress Mariel Hemingway from her movie Star 80. A few films from my youth featured very sexual content despite being edited for television but even media that wasn't overtly sexual would still fill me with desire. Whether it was a nameless character in the background of a movie who wore a bikini or a beautiful woman selling laundry detergent in a commercial, what I saw as sexy was heavily influenced by my raging hormones.

Then everything changed when my older brother found my dad's stash of old nudie magazine that were hidden in the basement. Like the images of toys our younger selves once fawned over, we were totally enamored by what we saw. It may seem silly now, but I actually found myself wishing for the ability to jump into the photographs. There would be many more visits to the cellar from that point on and we'd always tell our parents some excuse like how we were looking for a lost toy or working on building something with the scraps of lumber stored there.

All of this represented the first few steps in my journey out of childhood and into manhood. I was still discovering what attraction was all about and having daydreams involving the women of the Sears Catalog and my dad's magazine collection was a normal part of growing up. Unfortunately, some Catholics just love to trot out Matthew 5:28. “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” They claim it's always wrong to be filled with lust no matter what. Nonsense!

That particular Bible passage can be interpreted in other ways and I highly doubt Jesus was discouraging teen crushes but look who runs our Church...celibate unmarried men. The truth is, attraction plays a big part in how we propagate the species and it's through having healthy sexual fantasies that males like me tried to figure out how to love. Call them mental simulations, they were anything but sinful.

It's sad that Matthew 5:28 has now crept into Catholic dating only to sabotage it. So many traditional Catholic women are under the impression that any man who has ever looked at a woman in a lustful way must be a pervert. They use terms like “porn addiction” and write off any guy who has ever had lustful thoughts. Well ladies, you just ruled out 95% of all guys because here's the thing: MEN LOVE LOOKING AT WOMEN. We are attracted to them visually and we are turned on by their beauty. There's nothing wrong with that. Men and women are just different. Our own Church says so. While there are many things wrong with pornography that I will address in a future post, I don't think dismissing men who would actually make good husbands is healthy for the future of our religion either.

A Martyr in the Making?

Since my elderly mother suffers from bad mobility problems, she often leans on me to walk...especially if we're out in public. After one recent Mass, a parishioner was so moved by such a display she came up to me later on and said, “You'll be rewarded in heaven.” I politely thanked this person for her remark but in reality, I resented it for two reasons.

Firstly, it reflects a certain hands-off approach to pastoral care that I've encountered many times as a Catholic single. While I'm sure her remark was well-intentioned, it did absolutely nothing to help my current situation which by-the-way feels very dire. My mother's health continues to spiral downward and between caregiving and working a dead-end job, I'm starting to think all the things I really want out of life will never come to pass. My reaction to the phrase “You'll be rewarded in heaven” reminds me of how some military veterans resent it when civilians say, “Thank you for your service.” In both cases, it's a quick and convenient “out” that lacks true understanding of a person's burdens.

The parishioner's comment also implies defeat when it comes to the things you are struggling for. I've seen this in the way priests who once pledged prayers for my mother to get better now say nothing about her chronic pain but declare, “She's going straight to heaven for her suffering.” When people can clearly see that I'm sacrificing so much as a caregiver, they should be asking me how I feel but instead “You'll be rewarded in heaven” allows them to keep a good distance and not get involved.

Secondly, the remark places your very real struggles on a lower rung that's not too serious. Catholics can get so caught up in the belief the things of this world aren't as important as what awaits you in heaven that it becomes fatalistic. A middle-aged woman on the CatholicMatch forums shared her opinion that all of us singles who steadfastly held onto the Church's values but would never get married or have kids were “white martyrs.” After looking up the meaning of that term, I thought to myself, “How depressing.”

For a Church that promotes a culture of life, the Catholic faith can be downright morbid. During one sermon at St. Mary's in Beverly, our young pastor, Fr. Barnes, talked about how great it was that Christian martyrs in Japan died with expressions of joy on their faces because they knew they'd be entering the Kingdom of Heaven. Over the years, I've heard many sermons on the sick and dying who viewed their suffering in a positive light. One terminally ill man even said he was happy because he was going to meet Jesus soon. Pope Francis once scolded Catholics who had long faces at Mass but with sermons like these, having a long face is difficult to avoid.

A few years ago, a friend who knew I was a virgin passed along the story of St. Maria Goretti thinking it would make me feel better. It did not. While it's true no one is guaranteed success in life, when people's lives are cut short before they have the chance to fulfill their goals, it's usually seen as a tremendous loss not only for that person and their loved ones but for the world in general. “You'll be rewarded in heaven” puts a nice bow on a terrible situation and tries to make sense of the senseless. I think this can be a somewhat insensitive perspective given that we have no proof such a sacrifice even matters in the grand scheme of things. I highly doubt there are many sex-offenders walking around today who would be forgiven and turn their lives around so drastically as Maria Goretti's killer.

On CatholicMatch, I once traded messages with a woman who I did not want to date and she wondered if she was alone today because the unknown man she was meant to marry died before they had a chance to meet. It was a sad sentiment but I admitted to having those same thoughts. In fact, thoughts of death are not far from my mind and at times I wonder if I'm alone because God has an early demise planned for me. Perhaps my singleness is a way of sparing a potential wife and kids a terrible loss. Such thoughts are not very life-affirming, are they?

I will never forget when Fr. Hughes, the onetime pastor of St. Mary's discussed in a sermon how important it was to take up your cross adding that there was nothing sadder than a docked boat with sails never to be unfurled. Rather than seeing the value of my sacrifice, I wonder what it was all for. Have I failed to take up my cross or is this all part of God's plan? One thing is for sure, the best years of my life for falling in love and raising a family have passed me by. Fellow Catholics need to better understand my deep sense of helplessness instead of trivializing it.

Punchline of a Cosmic Joke

After high school, I continued to save sex for marriage and suffered all the slings and arrows as a result. However, there was no safe harbor for people who made this decision despite the growing popularity of the “What Would Jesus Do?” trend which basically amounted to nothing more than a few young people wearing W.W.J.D. bracelets. I also remember talk of purity rings back then but in liberal Massachusetts that idea never caught on either.

During a meeting at St. Mary's rectory in the 1990s, I saw a magazine called You! which was geared toward the Catholic Church's young people. On the cover of one issue was singer Amy Grant and on another was actor John Stamos. I questioned the latter's commitment to the Church's views on sexuality given his rock star image and wondered if the publisher had trouble finding qualified role models.

While some TV shows like Blossom, Beverly Hills 90210, Family Matters and L.A. Law respectfully portrayed characters who refrained from sex, many others like Seinfeld used virginity as comedy relief. Then came the film The 40 Year Old Virgin which only reinforced the notion that late adulthood virginity was a result of ineptitude rather than a beautiful moral choice. One of my friends who thinks the Church's values are foolish occasionally teases me by quoting this movie's line, “What you just gotta do is just get you a bunch of these hood rats...”

During high school and college, I was eager to defend the Church's values at the drop of a hat but as the years passed, I found myself living in the closet in order to smooth things over with the vast majority of people who just couldn't understand. When a married coworker talked about how awkward he was in high school, he admitted to losing his virginity “very late in life” at age 18. I pretended to sympathize with his plight. On more than one occasion, I was put on the spot by coworkers who wanted to know about my past sexual experiences. I either made up a number or said that I didn't really talk about such things. Situations like these are painful because like St. Peter, I was denying a very important aspect of my faith.

I did share my secret with a married Catholic female coworker who never embraced the Church's values on premarital sex. We exchanged knowing looks when Friends was on the television in the break room and the episode airing featured a high school student comically losing his virginity to Monica.

If virginity isn't played for laughs then it's often viewed by society as something of a sideshow attraction...curiosity mixed with disbelief. That was the reaction when actress Rebel Wilson wrote in her autobiography that she didn't lose her virginity until the age of 35. Woke newscasters couldn't mock her “choice” but they found it odd to say the least. Despite our culture of diversity, there was simply no room to consider how waiting so long to have sex could be a laudable goal. Remember when Olympian Lolo Jones gained more fame for her decision to save herself for marriage than for her sporting abilities?

During a recent interview on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, the host embarrassed Kirsten Dunst by reading an old interview she did for Teen Magazine where the actress said she and all her friends were proud virgins having attended Catholic school. Like many who once professed these values but no longer embraced them, she tried to distance herself from her old remarks and found them humiliating.

Even abstinence's one-time role model, Brooke Shields admitted that she lost her virginity during college and was so guilt-ridden by the experience, she tumbled out of bed and ran out of the dorm room naked. She now regrets waiting so long to have sex because she missed out on “a sense of joy and freedom” and largely blames her mother for forcing abstinence upon her. What a role model, but even Lolo Jones partially blames her lackluster performance in sports on her virginity.

On YouTube we see social experiment videos played for laughs when a guy being filmed with a hidden camera blurts out to passing women, “I'm a virgin!” Another video asks women if they would sleep with a virgin. Most of the amused respondents answer with a resounding no because they figure there's something wrong with the guy or he won't know what to do in bed. And then there's the Virginity Exchange on Reddit where dateless wonders (mostly guys) plead for someone to sleep with them for the first time. There aren't many things in the world that are more pathetic.

If abstinence did indeed have some kind of counterculture edginess to it during the 1990s, it's mostly viewed as creepy, comical or sad in today's day and age. For those Catholics who took the Church's stance on premarital sex seriously and never wavered from it, there needs to be a place we can call home...where our moral decision can be seen as an attractive and rewarding one instead of the punchline of a cosmic joke.

Great Sacrifice Demands Great Reward

The last blog entry mentioned some of the statistics my educators in Sunday school and Catholic high school used to promote the Church's views on premarital sex: Couples who saved themselves for marriage enjoyed increased happiness and fewer divorce rates. While such claims helped buttress my decision to forgo sex until marriage, there was more to it than that.

Even as a teenager with raging hormones, I saw the beauty of two people who had abstained from sex their whole lives joining in the bonds of Holy Matrimony. Without even knowing each other, they chose to make a huge sacrifice in the here and now for an unseen future together. Despite all the pressures and temptations an oversexed society forced upon them, they would still be able to say to each other, “I saved myself for you.”

While my classmates were sowing their wild oats, I wanted to be with just one woman. I wanted a relationship where we would grow together, truly know each other and pass every milestone together. Of course, it didn't hurt that my Catholic high school nuns talked about how saving yourself for marriage was the ultimate gift you could give your spouse. It was also the time of AIDS and a common phrase meant to scare us was, “When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they ever had sex with.” Most of us took that statement with a grain of salt.

For me, the Church's views on premarital sex just made sense and as a devout Christian, I always tried defending these values even if it brought ridicule. When I told a friend about my decision to save myself for marriage and my hope to find a spouse who had done the same she said the only way I'd ever accomplish that would be to move down south and marry a redneck. At one high school party, the host's older brother made some wisecrack about how I should sleep with one of my female friends. When I asserted my belief in the Church's teachings, he blurted out in front of all the guests, “You need to get laid!” One of my aunts doubted my moral convictions and proclaimed at some point I'd have sex outside of marriage. Well, she's long dead and I'm still a virgin.

My steadfastness wasn't a result of being a dateless wonder either because there were one or two opportunities to lose my virginity in high school had I chosen to pursue it. Some of my friends thought I should have gotten sex over with whether it was good, awkward or not so great but my standards were much higher than that.

I found somewhat of a role model in Brooke Shields when she reluctantly admitted on the Arsenio Hall Show that she was still a virgin. (At the time, I was unaware of the fuss she made a few years earlier on the subject.) The 1990s saw various campaigns to promote abstinence and one involved billboards with the word VIRGIN spray painted in bold letters. Below that a caption read, “Teach your kid it's not a dirty word.” The Rush Limbaugh television show featured professional basketball player A.C. Green's efforts to encourage young people to save themselves for marriage. A slightly cool counterculture vibe started to emerge and along with the more conservative elements of the “straight edge” subculture some young people were pushing back against a society that seemed far too immoral and exploitative.

Despite all this, however, it was still largely uncool to hold onto these views and one by one most of my friends from Catholic high school rejected the Church's teachings regarding premarital sex. Oddly enough, one female friend admitted to me that she respected my moral fortitude and thought my beliefs were right even though she was sexually active. (All the good it did.)

For all the ridicule and isolation the decision to save sex for marriage brought, it didn't really bother me at the time because I never lost sight of that beautiful vision for marriage and sexuality my Catholic educators presented. Sure, abstinence was a great sacrifice but the reward was also great. While there are no guarantees in life, we usually give something up to get something worth struggling for. Why do we do good things even when it's a major inconvenience? To get into heaven. Why do we work long hours in jobs we can't stand? To provide for ourselves, our family and hopefully a better future.

My Catholic educators didn't say, “Sleep with whoever you want because in the end it doesn't matter.” If that were the case, then why did I save sex for marriage in the first place? The reward should match the sacrifice and if a career no longer offers just compensation for our hard work, don't we demand more money? Don't we start to question staying in that job?

Some people in the online dating community have actually told me my hope to marry a fellow Catholic who also saved themselves for marriage is wrong because “fetishizing virginity” is not what the Church is all about. (Keep in mind, this is the same faith that venerates the Virgin Mary, demands celibacy for priests and has consecrated virgins.) I couldn't help but think what kind of message it sends our young people if everyone who ignored the Church's teachings reap all the rewards while those who stayed true to those teachings are forced to endure a lifetime of empty suffering.

No Catholic Street Cred Here

(From the files of Catholic Match)

Before joining Catholic Match, I wondered how the website's women would perceive me especially since I still embraced the Church's teachings on premarital sex after all these years. My optimistic side hoped they would find this continuing sacrifice to be admirable especially since we lived in such an oversexed culture.

Only a couple of profiles even mentioned the subject with one woman from Texas flat-out stating: “I am a virgin. You be one too, please.” Another female mentioned the shame and anguish abstaining from sex brought her. Other than that, most profiles avoided the subject altogether which is somewhat understandable given the need to avoid creepy guys.

My profile confronted the issue head-on and I clearly stated that I was looking for someone who shared the same sacrifice. Saving myself for marriage brought me loneliness, isolation, rejection and ridicule. Was it so wrong to want a woman who understood these bitter fruits all too well? It wasn't until I participated in the Catholic Match forums that I saw how controversial such an opinion really was.

One of the forum regulars named Jessica* talked about her disdain for the purity movement that had gained popularity in the 1990s. She felt placing such an emphasis on virginity only undermined the Church's teachings on chastity and forgiveness. For her, a person's past didn't matter as much as who they were in the present especially if they were sorry for their sins and now lived a chaste life. Catholic Match's co-founder echoed this sentiment by stating that life was messy and we shouldn't dismiss people based solely on their past.

I could see the point they were trying to make but for someone who had “walked the walk” when it came to this one particular but important Catholic value their statements bothered me. Why were we telling generations of young adults how wonderful it was to save themselves for marriage if people could get an automatic do-over when it came to sex? Doesn't a person's past carry some weight? A certain talk radio host liked to warn against defining deviancy down. Must we lower the bar so that the people who gave in to their carnal desires don't feel so bad?

I refuted a few of Jessica's points only to be shot down by forum users in ways I had never imagined. Jessica claimed virginity in and of itself wasn't a perfect indicator that someone had embraced the Church's values. According to her, a person could be such a dateless wonder, they never had the chance to lose their virginity in the first place. She asserted that chastity was a far more important value because that hypothetical virgin could have a porn addiction or masturbate frequently. Other forum users said there were also “technical virgins” out there meaning people who had engaged in everything BUT sexual intercourse.

I thought they were reaching and said, “If someone on Catholic Match is still a virgin it's probably because they took the notion of saving themselves for marriage pretty seriously.” I also thought they were going overboard with their definition of lust. So what if every now and then you had a sexual fantasy? In my opinion, this was focusing on a very small thing at the expense of a very significant Church teaching.

Catholic Match's co-founder chimed in again to say having a “virgin or bust” mentality bordered on the perverse.  Well, I posted a 2021 article from Catholic Match's own blog where it was stated that couples who waited until marriage to have sex:

“rated the quality of their martial sex 15% higher than people who had premarital sex”

“expressed 22% more stability in their marriages with a 20% higher satisfaction rate”

“are less likely to get divorced.”

Statistics like these were pitched to me in Catholic high school and Sunday school and they're a big reason why I hold the opinions I do. One 60-year old forum user named Pauline appreciated my perspective and wrote in my defense: “He has made a huge sacrifice, saving himself for marriage and, knowing the cost of this sacrifice, he wants a woman who has suffered and sacrificed as he has. Not because he is better, but because he wants to relate to another woman on this HUGE value for him. I get that. I respect that.”

Unfortunately, her comments failed to make an impression and one forum user named Max would later accuse me of being obsessed with wanting to deflower a virgin. It's sad when such an innocent perspective is maligned like that. Sadder still is when something so virtuous is seen as depraved...on a Catholic website no less. God help our religion.

* All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Forum Fallout

(From the files of Catholic Match)

If I thought sharing some of my hobbies, personality and humor in the Catholic Match forums might grab the attention of the woman of my dreams, it didn't take long for me to realize how sadly mistaken I was. Not only did I not get along with many of the regular contributors on the site, a great deal of my forum topics and posts caused a certain amount of acrimony among these people.

One of this blog's core beliefs is that the Church should be doing more to help its singles. I've spoken about this on Long Lost Black Sheep far too many times and have highlighted the reasons why I think this is true. My opinion was met with skepticism on the Catholic Match forums however, with some members saying it wasn't the Church's job to get people like me a date. They felt I was just making excuses for my own failures and thought it was ridiculous to place blame on the Church for my chronic singleness. I gave it right back to them and explained how the Catholic Church had far more resources than I did to bring people together. With access to facilities across the region, the Archdiocese could send out a clarion call for singles to meet up in low-cost venues. In some ways, the Church does this already with The National Catholic Singles Conference although that event isn't low-cost and often takes place in locations that are prohibitively far away. I also remarked that at the very least, our Church should be discussing the problem singles face and include us in their prayers. The regular forum users were not impressed although years later, one of my biggest critics admitted I had a point and stated the Church didn't care about single people. He did have to get a dig in against me by prefacing his opinion with the comment: ”Not to sound like someone who used to complain about this all the time....”

While lamenting the lack of Catholic Match women who were informed about world events, I remarked that everyone should have some knowledge of the conflict in the Middle East between Israel and Palestine...at least enough to hold up a conversation where you could justify one side or the other. This comment was met with disbelief by one woman who refused to broaden her horizons and thought my expectations were out in left field. Fast forward to the October 2023 attacks along the Gaza Strip, the subsequent response by Israel and the massive protests and divisions it caused in this country. I guess my forum comment wasn't so wacky after all.

A topic of discussion that was supposed to be on the lighter side of things was music. Forum users often shared favorite songs or posted tunes that pertained to certain categories. Years of listening to college and community radio had opened my world up to so many different genres and countless obscure songs so a good number of my musical selections took people off guard. I had more than one Catholic Match member warn me that my love of goth music was a slippery slope to satanism and suicide. Well, that's not what goth is about and I thought they were pretty ignorant to lump everyone together with the few bad apples that did exist in the genre. Also causing some friction was my utter disdain for hokey Christian rock which seemed to be very popular among Catholic Match members.

As discussed in a previous blog entry, I've had some wonderful opposite sex friendships over the years but for many forum users, such a thing was taboo. Naturally, this caused a fair amount of arguments and at times, it felt like I was talking to people from the 1950s. I placed such a high value on a person's individuality, it didn't matter to me what gender they were. Truth be told, I got along better with some of my female friends than I did some of my male friends because we shared more common interests and personality traits. According to the “trad Catholics” in the forums, having opposite sex friends was dangerous because sooner or later, temptation would set in. When I told one of my female friends about this, she replied, “Those people are idiots.”

In fact, by reading the Catholic Match forums I saw a strange level of discord and misunderstanding between the sexes that reminded me of some Muslim cultures. One regular in the forums who I sparred with all the time admitted that she really didn't understand men and figured things would work out between her future husband and herself once they got married. OH, YOU POOR FOOL!!!! I couldn't help but think how miserable the guy would be for having a wife that clueless.

Even though the Bible really doesn't give us a practical guide for dating and marriage, many forum users expected the men to be near-emotionless providers who were strong at all times while the women ran the households ideally as stay-at-home moms. I thought such notions were naive at best. When one forum member asked what the men of Catholic Match would do to protect their women, I joked, “Buy a rocket launcher.” My type of humor usually went over like a lead balloon.

Despite my bad reputation on the forum, people seemed to be interested in what I had to say. Some of the topics I started had huge numbers of views into the thousands as opposed to a few hundred which was the norm. A few men even sent me private messages of encouragement especially when I put annoying female forum users in their place. One gentleman who commiserated with me said, “I didn't know I was a bad Catholic until I joined Catholic Match.” I could definitely identify with that comment. I went to Mass every week, saved myself for marriage, tried to be a thoughtful person, prayed every day and yet it just wasn't good enough for some forum users.

I even had one of the regular female forum users issue what I considered to be a threat by saying I was hurting my chances at dating since many of the women on Catholic Match read what I posted and often discussed it among themselves. Well, I was only being honest and if these women found fault with my opinions, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

This same regular female forum user posted a topic that caused a firestorm: Chastity vs. Purity. I will discuss this controversy in the next blog entry.

Forum Frustrations

(From the files of Catholic Match)

When I first joined Catholic Match, there seemed to be a few interesting souls on the forums who could also be categorized as “black sheep” since they didn't fit into the (trad)itional Catholic mould. One man in particular came from a very dark background and admitted to having friends in the porn industry even though he did not embrace their lifestyle. Other black sheep were women who considered themselves to be feminists in addition to being Catholic. I thought it was beautiful that despite their very unconventional perspectives, there was something about Catholicism that still attracted them to the faith. Unfortunately, these members seemed to disappear after only a short while and the forums became overrun with users who were somewhat close-minded.

Many long-time Catholic Match members lamented how fun the forums used to be at one time. They could discuss just about any topic in an adult manner without it being banned by moderators. Some felt the forums now suffered from far too many trivial topics because serious and / or controversial subjects weren't encouraged. It's typical of me to show up late to the party so-to-speak and I wonder how things would have gone if I had joined Catholic Match several years earlier.

The website's co-founder Brian grew increasingly frustrated with the negativity on the forums and threatened several times to shut it down completely. He also minimized anything we had to say about the website by making the claim forum users only represented a very tiny portion of the total Catholic Match membership. I proposed the theory that all this negativity was a result of the Church's decline coinciding with the emergence of the first few generations of Catholics who were no longer able to find a potential spouse.

Of course we were frustrated, angry and depressed because we couldn't rely on the traditional methods of courtship that had once helped so many before us enter into the bonds of Holy Matrimony. A look at the obituaries of old-timers usually reveals how they met their spouses and for a lot of Catholics of a certain age, there were dances and other social activities that our generation lacks. If my parish tired to put on a dance, it would be populated by nothing but old people...if anyone bothered to show up at all.

Unfortunately, the “new rules” of online dating leave much to be desired and for a great number of us, they just aren't practical. Some Catholic Match members have commitments that prevent them from pursuing long-distance relationships. Others do not want to date foreigners who cannot speak English very well. Some are unwilling to date people who don't take care of themselves. More often than not, Brian seemed to scold us for our many deal-breakers. According to him, dating has changed for the average Catholic and we need to change our long-held expectations or risk being alone for the rest of our lives. He also claimed some of the obstacles we faced while trying to find a spouse were self-imposed and we should be more flexible.

Well, there are some things I just won't compromise on. Should a gourmet chef who is passionate about his vocation date a woman who only loves junk food? Should a fitness guru date a slob who won't get off the couch? Some of us don't have time to learn a new language and culture just to go on a date. Is that our fault? Even in the world of Catholic dating, attraction plays a role. Should I date a person who is totally unattractive to me? I suppose any couple could have a successful marriage if they had zero expectations but that's not reality.

With no women on Catholic Match to date, I kept coming back to the forums time and time again. In just four short years, I managed to rack up over a million and a half posts. I even saw a few regular forum users pass away without ever finding a spouse. What does all that say about the effectiveness of online dating for Catholics?

All Dead Ends Lead to the Forum

(From the files of Catholic Match)

After a couple of weeks into my Catholic Match membership, the selection of eligible singles who lived in the area was pretty much exhausted.  Branching out to include all of New England and parts of New York also revealed dismal results.  Even searching for women by typing in certain hobbies and music yielded very little for me.  I was starting to get discouraged and had an uneasy feeling about my first foray into the world of online dating.

Then I noticed in the upper corner of my profile page a heading entitled "Forums" and after clicking on it, the website took me to Catholic Match's online community.  Topics of discussion were divided by category and they included: Prayers & Support, Dating & Single Life, Member Meet-ups, Divorced Catholics, Community Help, Saint Peter's Square, Single Parenting, Wedding and Marriage Prep, Ages 45+, Ages Under 45, Widows and Widowers, Understanding the Faith, Sports & Games, Eastern Rites, Entertainment & Humor, and Men's and Women's Discussions.  Saint Peter's Square was for subjects that really didn't fit those other categories.  Community Help was a place to discuss technical issues with the website.  The individual Men's and Women's groups were gender specific and men couldn't see or read what the women were talking about and vice versa (...unless they made a fake account).

There were many rules in the forums.  Everything from banning the use of profane language to demanding topics be meaningful and not trivial.  They listed  "Coke or Pepsi?" as a topic that was too trivial and I found that to be odd since many of the more lighthearted subjects discussed in the forums were actually like that.    

The forums had three volunteer moderators who were also Catholic Match members looking for love.  They had the power to lock a post down if a discussion got out of hand.  Two of the moderators were close to 50 years old and one was close to 60.  This was not a good sign and I wondered how effective Catholic Match was if even the moderators languished on this website year after year after year.

The website's co-creator, who was married with kids, also trolled the forums and sometimes fights broke out with members who were critical of the website.  He too had the power to lock down discussions or simply make them disappear altogether.

I've heard it said that some people fail at online dating because they just can't seem to engage with others based solely on a profile since it reveals no social cues.  Some singles hit it off by reading body language and hearing tones and inflections.  I figured the forums would be a way for me to bring some of my hobbies, personality and humor to the table through the written word and perhaps this might grab the attention of the woman of my dreams.  After all, for each forum participant, there were plenty of "lurkers" who chose to read the forums but either decided not comment or couldn't comment because they had a free membership.

Well, my first post didn't go so well.  I lamented that after two weeks on the site, I felt alone because there weren't any singles who seemed to have much in common with me.  Moderator Jerry, who refused to use a profile photo, remarked that if I was feeling alone, I must be the one with the problem.  That was my first introduction to something that was quite common on Catholic Match: Victim Blaming.

This website made some pretty great claims about finding love and with success stories that bordered on the miraculous, I had high expectations for Catholic Match.  What better way to deflect criticism of this site than to shift blame on individual members.  "Your expectations are too high."  "You're trying to date out of your league."  "You have too many deal-breakers."  "You're being too unrealistic."  "You're not contacting enough women."  (Maybe the website didn't have enough members of the opposite sex who were attractive, witty or moral.  Ever think of that?!)

With dating no longer a realistic possibility, I spent more time in the forums despite my initial disagreement with moderator Jerry.  There were many other members here who had reached dead ends long ago and were now marooned on Catholic Match...not just for years but for decades.  Some were women who had wanted families but were now beyond the age of fertility.  How sad.  If the website's success rate was better, perhaps this would not be the case.

Unfortunately, the Covid lock-downs of 2020 would put an end to all dating in general for quite some time and the forums allowed people to kill time, gain a sliver of human interaction and vent frustrations.  Some Catholic Match members even found a real sense of fellowship here but my interactions with this virtual community usually led to arguments and misunderstanding.

Greetings From New York City

(From the files of Catholic Match)

Early on in my Catholic Match membership, I was contacted by a cute woman from New York City named *Linda.  She lived with her dad in his house and was a caregiver to him.  As we traded messages, the conversation was very cordial.  I could really identify with her when she said how difficult it was to maintain the property.  Things seemed to be progressing nicely and I actually started to contemplate taking some time off from work to visit her.  Was finding a future spouse on this website that easy?  Not quite because as we continued to talk, a few things raised some concern. 

Red Flag #1:  Aside from caregiving, we didn't have a heck of a lot in common with each other as far as our hobbies and tastes were concerned.  This is always a tricky part of dating because ideally, you'd like to find someone who can relate to you on many different levels but it is unrealistic to expect a woman to enjoy the same music, TV shows and movies that you do especially if you like more obscure media.  I'd call this a negotiable part of any relationship but what is important is how she puts up with the things that bring you joy.  Does she belittle your love of science fiction?  Will she criticize you for enjoying a certain genre of music?  Does she recognize your individuality by respecting your hobbies and tastes even if she doesn't understand them?

Well, Linda seemed to think that when a person entered into a romantic relationship, they had to give up many of the things they once enjoyed to focus all their time and attention on being a couple.  This was a big red flag with me because I've seen first hand how some of my friends lost who they were when they had girlfriends or got married.  Sure, becoming one half of a couple means you do have to focus a lot more time and energy on the relationship.  Sure, there are things you give up and things you compromise on BUT it shouldn't mean you have to sell out who you are for the sake of the other person.  Some of the most successful marriages have couples who still enjoy their alone time.

Linda seemed a bit sheltered and when we discussed some favorite activities, I mentioned how much fun it was going to Comic-Con.  She didn't seem open to learning more about that and actually thought dressing in costume was a waste of time.  While I would never want my love of cosplay to be the hill that I die on, I couldn't help but think how nice it would have been if she were more open-minded about new experiences.

Red Flag #2:  She seemed to be mapping out my future life with her even though we had yet to go on a date.  When I mentioned my current dead-end job, I told her that I'd like to quit and find something very different that's more fulfilling.  Well, she mentioned a few businesses in her neck of the woods that offered similar dead-end jobs and suggested I could work there if I moved to New York.  Wow.  Was I really going to pack up and leave everything for a women I hardly knew?  Also, did she not understand the fact that I wasn't happy with my current career choice?  

Red Flag #3: Baggage.  They say when you get to a certain age, everyone has baggage, but I tend to have a small carry-on while others lug around a steamer trunk.  During the course of our conversation she said her last serious relationship lasted for well over a decade and ended badly.  Now I can understand being in love in your 20s and wanting to wait a few years before making a commitment but as many of those middle-aged singles on Catholic Match can attest to: "You don't have all the time in the world."  If the guy she had been dating was truly a decent person, he wouldn't have strung her along for all those years.  She should have figured out that he wasn't being sincere about holy matrimony and cut him loose sometime before they hit the ten year mark.  Sadly, Linda wasn't the only woman on Catholic Match who said they wasted the better part of a decade waiting for a marriage proposal that never came.  

She also admitted to being "foolish" in this relationship.  Now what does that mean?  Sometimes using that word is a polite way of saying they gave into temptation and had sex outside of marriage.  I can't say for sure what happened in Linda's case but as someone who has stayed true to the Church's teaching, it did create more doubts about her.

Some say you should really listen to those red flags because your subconscious mind is trying to tell you the relationship won't work.  Others claim that sometimes a red flag is simply you being too picky.  Despite all my misgivings, I was still willing to see where this potential relationship would go.  Unfortunately, fate would deal a cruel hand.  

As I continued to message Linda, her dad got very sick one night and he passed away.   I asked if she needed anything and offered to help in any way but from that point on, she never talked to me in the same way again.  Ultimately, she stopped messaging me on Catholic Match.

After several months passed, I reached out to her via the e-mail address she once gave me.  Linda said she was well and had met someone special on e-Harmony.  I told her I was glad and offered my continued friendship but never heard back from her ever again.  As of this writing, her profile is still on Catholic Match so I'm not sure if she forgot about it or was still single after all this time.  At any rate, this first foray into the world of online dating wouldn't be repeated for another four years because the number of meaningful interactions I would have with women on Catholic Match all but dried up.  

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.