Even as a teenager with raging hormones, I saw the beauty of two people who had abstained from sex their whole lives joining in the bonds of Holy Matrimony. Without even knowing each other, they chose to make a huge sacrifice in the here and now for an unseen future together. Despite all the pressures and temptations an oversexed society forced upon them, they would still be able to say to each other, “I saved myself for you.”
While my classmates were sowing their wild oats, I wanted to be with just one woman. I wanted a relationship where we would grow together, truly know each other and pass every milestone together. Of course, it didn't hurt that my Catholic high school nuns talked about how saving yourself for marriage was the ultimate gift you could give your spouse. It was also the time of AIDS and a common phrase meant to scare us was, “When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they ever had sex with.” Most of us took that statement with a grain of salt.
For me, the Church's views on premarital sex just made sense and as a devout Christian, I always tried defending these values even if it brought ridicule. When I told a friend about my decision to save myself for marriage and my hope to find a spouse who had done the same she said the only way I'd ever accomplish that would be to move down south and marry a redneck. At one high school party, the host's older brother made some wisecrack about how I should sleep with one of my female friends. When I asserted my belief in the Church's teachings, he blurted out in front of all the guests, “You need to get laid!” One of my aunts doubted my moral convictions and proclaimed at some point I'd have sex outside of marriage. Well, she's long dead and I'm still a virgin.
My steadfastness wasn't a result of being a dateless wonder either because there were one or two opportunities to lose my virginity in high school had I chosen to pursue it. Some of my friends thought I should have gotten sex over with whether it was good, awkward or not so great but my standards were much higher than that.
I found somewhat of a role model in Brooke Shields when she reluctantly admitted on the Arsenio Hall Show that she was still a virgin. (At the time, I was unaware of the fuss she made a few years earlier on the subject.) The 1990s saw various campaigns to promote abstinence and one involved billboards with the word VIRGIN spray painted in bold letters. Below that a caption read, “Teach your kid it's not a dirty word.” The Rush Limbaugh television show featured professional basketball player A.C. Green's efforts to encourage young people to save themselves for marriage. A slightly cool counterculture vibe started to emerge and along with the more conservative elements of the “straight edge” subculture some young people were pushing back against a society that seemed far too immoral and exploitative.
Despite all this, however, it was still largely uncool to hold onto these views and one by one most of my friends from Catholic high school rejected the Church's teachings regarding premarital sex. Oddly enough, one female friend admitted to me that she respected my moral fortitude and thought my beliefs were right even though she was sexually active. (All the good it did.)
For all the ridicule and isolation the decision to save sex for marriage brought, it didn't really bother me at the time because I never lost sight of that beautiful vision for marriage and sexuality my Catholic educators presented. Sure, abstinence was a great sacrifice but the reward was also great. While there are no guarantees in life, we usually give something up to get something worth struggling for. Why do we do good things even when it's a major inconvenience? To get into heaven. Why do we work long hours in jobs we can't stand? To provide for ourselves, our family and hopefully a better future.
My Catholic educators didn't say, “Sleep with whoever you want because in the end it doesn't matter.” If that were the case, then why did I save sex for marriage in the first place? The reward should match the sacrifice and if a career no longer offers just compensation for our hard work, don't we demand more money? Don't we start to question staying in that job?
Some people in the online dating community have actually told me my hope to marry a fellow Catholic who also saved themselves for marriage is wrong because “fetishizing virginity” is not what the Church is all about. (Keep in mind, this is the same faith that venerates the Virgin Mary, demands celibacy for priests and has consecrated virgins.) I couldn't help but think what kind of message it sends our young people if everyone who ignored the Church's teachings reap all the rewards while those who stayed true to those teachings are forced to endure a lifetime of empty suffering.
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