Despite all of this, a perennial topic of conversation during our phone calls is the disharmony that's plagues his marriage. His wife can be very overbearing especially when it comes to sweating the small stuff in life. My friend feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time because there's no telling what little thing might set her off. He feels totally unappreciated as a provider and once confessed to me, “If my wife gave me 100 tasks to do around the house and I completed 99 of them, she'd pick me apart for the one thing I didn't finish.” There is a scientific reason for this called the Zeigarnik Effect. People better remember tasks that are interrupted or unfinished.
Adding to her displeasure is the fact that after he's finished working long hours in a very stressful job, he doesn't always have the time or energy to do the tasks she wants done like dusting or emptying the dishwasher. Instead of sympathizing, his wife berates him and sometimes throws a temper tantrum. My guess is she considers his failure to help out to be a personal slight against her because she feels so overwhelmed. For years his wife argued, “I have the more stressful job of raising the kids!” Even though their children are now grown, she still uses this as an excuse.
My friend's career provided a roof over her head and allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom for many years. Their mortgage was also paid off before he turned 50. I'd say they have a lot to be thankful for but she insists he does “nothing” around the house. My friend tried defending himself by listing all the things he's done for the household over the years but she doesn't use logic to argue. If she simply “feels” a certain way, then it becomes the Gospel truth. As a result, he has stopped defending himself when they fight because he knows he'll never win. Men usually clam up and bury their feelings when they think their vulnerability will be mocked and used against them.
My friend tells me past marriage counseling sessions weren't helpful because his wife blamed him for everything while she refused to own up to her faults. Adding fuel to this fire in recent years is social media. Since his wife has trouble making friends and doesn't like going out, she spends a lot of time on the internet and is drawn to TikTok videos where modern women discuss what a marriage should be. Instead of promoting traditional Christian values, these virtual reality personalities will set unrealistic expectations for husbands and then criticize them for not achieving such lofty goals. My friend's wife internalizes these artificial wants and needs that didn't exist two minutes before she watched these videos. Of course she's not happy living in a slightly cluttered ranch house when some social media influencer is telling her she should be living in a mansion that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.
These influencers, who usually have no degree in psychology will also urge women to preform subtle tests on their husbands. If the men fail, the wives are told they are in a bad marriage. The reality is, guys usually don't do well with subtlety. Perhaps the BEST way to talk to a husband about something is to actually talk to him about it...openly and honestly without the threat of reprisals.
Sadly, a death in their family caused my friend's wife to become increasingly withdrawn and despite his efforts to support her, she moved out of the house and is now living with her mother. I try to avoid the “S” word (separated) during our phone calls because he's not sure what her departure means for their marriage. Neither of them want a divorce but this latest turn of event is causing more resentment. My friend rants, “I wish I could withdraw from the world when I'm depressed but I have to go to work everyday and make sure all the bills are paid!”
My friend and his wife got married in the Church and had their kids confirmed but this was done just to impress their relatives. In actuality, they both have disdain for organized religion. While there are plenty of bad Christian marriages, I do wonder if this lack of faith made for a weak foundation. My friend has often criticized me for holding onto the Church's traditional values because he felt living together before marriage was how he really got to know his future spouse. I recently reminded him of this theory and pointed out, “You never accounted for your wife changing over the years.” Perhaps those studies about the dangers of premarital co-habitation have some credence?
One thing is for sure, social media hasn't helped my friend's marriage one bit. Instead of teaching humility, empathy, and gratitude, his wife is being filled with anxiety by watching videos from content creators who are hell-bent on sowing discord among the sexes.
(More on that topic in the next entry.)
