Reposting for 9/11

 Thought I'd repost this for a little while for 9/11:

https://longlostblacksheep.blogspot.com/2019/09/thoughts-on-9-11.html

Broken Marriages and Poisoned Minds

Even though a good friend from my high school days has lived in a different part of the country for a few decades now, he still calls me on a regular basis to chat. He's been married to the same woman for nearly 30 years and has two kids who are now college-aged. My friend says he loves his wife to this day and tells me she's the one person he never gets tired of being around.

Despite all of this, a perennial topic of conversation during our phone calls is the disharmony that's plagues his marriage. His wife can be very overbearing especially when it comes to sweating the small stuff in life. My friend feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time because there's no telling what little thing might set her off. He feels totally unappreciated as a provider and once confessed to me, “If my wife gave me 100 tasks to do around the house and I completed 99 of them, she'd pick me apart for the one thing I didn't finish.” There is a scientific reason for this called the Zeigarnik Effect. People better remember tasks that are interrupted or unfinished.

Adding to her displeasure is the fact that after he's finished working long hours in a very stressful job, he doesn't always have the time or energy to do the tasks she wants done like dusting or emptying the dishwasher. Instead of sympathizing, his wife berates him and sometimes throws a temper tantrum. My guess is she considers his failure to help out to be a personal slight against her because she feels so overwhelmed. For years his wife argued, “I have the more stressful job of raising the kids!” Even though their children are now grown, she still uses this as an excuse.

My friend's career provided a roof over her head and allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom for many years. Their mortgage was also paid off before he turned 50. I'd say they have a lot to be thankful for but she insists he does “nothing” around the house. My friend tried defending himself by listing all the things he's done for the household over the years but she doesn't use logic to argue. If she simply “feels” a certain way, then it becomes the Gospel truth. As a result, he has stopped defending himself when they fight because he knows he'll never win. Men usually clam up and bury their feelings when they think their vulnerability will be mocked and used against them.

My friend tells me past marriage counseling sessions weren't helpful because his wife blamed him for everything while she refused to own up to her faults. Adding fuel to this fire in recent years is social media. Since his wife has trouble making friends and doesn't like going out, she spends a lot of time on the internet and is drawn to TikTok videos where modern women discuss what a marriage should be. Instead of promoting traditional Christian values, these virtual reality personalities will set unrealistic expectations for husbands and then criticize them for not achieving such lofty goals. My friend's wife internalizes these artificial wants and needs that didn't exist two minutes before she watched these videos. Of course she's not happy living in a slightly cluttered ranch house when some social media influencer is telling her she should be living in a mansion that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

These influencers, who usually have no degree in psychology will also urge women to preform subtle tests on their husbands. If the men fail, the wives are told they are in a bad marriage. The reality is, guys usually don't do well with subtlety. Perhaps the BEST way to talk to a husband about something is to actually talk to him about it...openly and honestly without the threat of reprisals.

Sadly, a death in their family caused my friend's wife to become increasingly withdrawn and despite his efforts to support her, she moved out of the house and is now living with her mother. I try to avoid the “S” word (separated) during our phone calls because he's not sure what her departure means for their marriage. Neither of them want a divorce but this latest turn of event is causing more resentment. My friend rants, “I wish I could withdraw from the world when I'm depressed but I have to go to work everyday and make sure all the bills are paid!”

My friend and his wife got married in the Church and had their kids confirmed but this was done just to impress their relatives. In actuality, they both have disdain for organized religion. While there are plenty of bad Christian marriages, I do wonder if this lack of faith made for a weak foundation. My friend has often criticized me for holding onto the Church's traditional values because he felt living together before marriage was how he really got to know his future spouse. I recently reminded him of this theory and pointed out, “You never accounted for your wife changing over the years.” Perhaps those studies about the dangers of premarital co-habitation have some credence?

One thing is for sure, social media hasn't helped my friend's marriage one bit. Instead of teaching humility, empathy, and gratitude, his wife is being filled with anxiety by watching videos from content creators who are hell-bent on sowing discord among the sexes.

(More on that topic in the next entry.)

When All Else Fails...Blame Men?

I was casually searching the internet a while ago and found the r/CatholicDating sub on Reddit. One post that caught my eye was from a woman who had tried CatholicMatch and was very disappointed because that dating site was filled with “creepers” in her humble opinion.

This woman's list of complaints regarding the men of CatholicMatch was long and as I read through it, a thought popped into my mind. All of her grievances could have applied to many of the women on CatholicMatch too. The thing is, few people on that dating site ever check out the profiles of the same gender.

I thought much of what she said was unfair so I decided to create a post of my own on r/CatholicDating to refute her accusations. I entitled it: CatholicMatch Creepers? Not Great From My End Either

She complained there were too many men who did not agree with all of the Church's teachings. I said there were plenty of women on CatholicMatch who also disagreed with those values adding that the prettier the woman, the more likely she did not agree with the Church's teachings on pre-marital sex.

She complained about terrible profiles so I said there were plenty of women with poorly written and cringeworthy profiles who put in a minimal effort when it came to selecting a profile photo. I also retold the story of a woman on the CatholicMatch forums who once griped about profile photos of men who posed with the fish they just caught. The funny thing was, I have seen women on CatholicMatch choose a profile photo where they were posing with the fish they just caught.

I also mentioned the poor success rate of CatholicMatch for men like me. After years on the site, I only managed to date one person for a few months but even she took issue with some of the Church's core teachings.

I closed my post by saying, “So I don't think CatholicMatch is terrible only if you're a woman. And I don't think there aren't any good Catholic guys left for the tons of devout Catholic women who don't have anyone to date because you're only seeing half the story.”

After my post was uploaded to r/CatholicDating it was deleted by the moderators shortly thereafter before anyone had a chance to discuss it. Nothing I wrote seemed to violate the group's rules and my post was certainly less negative than the woman who categorized most of the men on CatholicMatch as creepers. This reflected the typical double standard in the world of Catholic dating. Women are holy, pure and can do no wrong while men are lustful, inept, and have everything wrong with them.

In years past, I've read a few Catholic blogs written by women who lament the lack of good and devout Catholic men. Oh, we're out there but perhaps you can't see us because we don't measure up to your vision of the dream guy which must be a combination of Prince Charming, Padre Pio and the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. It's odd that men get scolded all the time for being too superficial but who chastises Catholic women for dismissing those awkward but nice guys who just need some encouragement?

During my time on the CatholicMatch forums, women used to complain all the time about men...but rarely got called out by the moderators in the same way that the men did who complained about women. One female in particular was upset with a guy who had initiated a conversation but then disappeared. Now the same thing happens to plenty of men all the time but this forum user felt the need to bash us guys for such behavior.

She accused Catholic men of forgetting how to court and date. (As a devout woman, she informed us that it wasn't her job to chase or pursue, of course.) She lamented the presence of so many “emotionally constipated men” on the site who were not well formed or healthy. Had she known there were so many “dualistic” “insecure” and “projecting” guys in the Catholic dating scene, she would have married one of the many “GOOD” secular men she had met in life who were “solid in the core” and of “good character.” All I could think was, “Yes, it's all the fault of men that you're a single, middle-aged woman right now and there's not the slightest thing wrong with you.”

I think if Catholic men defend their gender in the face of these complainers, they get accused of “picking on a girl” but nowhere do I see pressure put on these devout women to be more accepting and understanding of the opposite sex. Ultimately, it seems like us men get blamed for everything that's gone wrong in the Catholic dating scene.

Self-Help Is No Help

The last blog entry mentioned how the internet has no shortage of people who feel they can offer you advice for improving your life. Some of these videos dispense self-help advice and one YouTube channel that I stumbled upon recently is called Productive Peter. His content consists of straight forward narration set to visuals of stick figure drawings. One video in particular highlights strategy on how to make the most out of life and it's broken down into several chapters. The narrator mentions “superpowers” we can acquire from his advice and he even claims to know certain “truths” about life. While this channel offers some interesting perspectives that seem to resonate with viewers, I find these videos to be idealistic and at times unrealistic.

Productive Peter warns us about getting stuck in ruts because that encourages “time blindness.” If we just go through the motions in our daily lives, our brain will check out which causes life to feel like it's slipping by very quickly. He recommends taking a new route to work or learning a new skill which will force our brains to be more “tuned in” to the moment. He also encourages us to take the “deathbed test” where we imagine ourselves at the end of our lives. Would we have any regrets? He assumes we'd choose wanting to spend more time with family over wanting to make more money. He advocates making our hours count and even suggests “ruthlessly” eliminating all social media if it's becoming too much of a distraction.

This advice is all fine and good but I don't think this kind of pop psychology is one-size fits all. Sometimes life throws us pretty bad curve balls and we wind up in places that we'd rather not be in. I have a five minute walk to my job. Can I take a different route to learn something new? Nope. I also work the night shift which means I'm constantly battling sleep. Finding enough time and energy to learn a new skill while caring for my elderly mother is next to impossible. Yup, I'm in a rut but there are good reasons why my life is like that and I don't see how changing a few habits for five minutes is going to improve anything.

Maybe if my mother found doctors who actually knew what they were doing her quality of life would improve and she'd regain more of her independence. Instead, her health continues to go downhill which means she relies on me more and more. Maybe if I wasn't a caregiver, I wouldn't have to work a menial job that's close to home...but I am a caregiver and nothing is going to change that right now. Productive Peter talks about “strategic quitting” but that's not an option.

My “deathbed test” won't ever include the regret, “I should have spent more time with family” because I don't have a family in the first place. While there are things we can do in life to improve our chances at dating, marriage and having a family, ultimately it comes down to chance. If you never find anyone to fall in love with in the first place, then what else can you do? I might be able to exercise some control over life by joining an online dating website or going out to a bar but if you never meet anyone to fall in love with in the first place then these attempts to shape life are pretty futile.

Nowhere in these videos do I think Productive Peter misses the mark more than when he talks about friendships and acquaintances. He suggests the best friendships are created when we express genuine concern for others and even show some vulnerability. Don't neglect the people in our lives with “weak ties” because often it's those relationships that help us to grow, to gain new experiences, and they even connect us with great opportunities. Engage in small acts to maintain these bonds like sending the occasional e-mail just to see how someone is doing.

In my life, very little of this is true. I do try to maintain those connections with friends but often they respond with silence. When I suggest hanging out and getting something to eat (my treat), months will slip by without them saying a word. I guess people don't like free food anymore! With most of my relationships, I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting while they rarely lift a finger to even say hi. I guess they're too busy to take ten seconds out of their lives to even post a message on my Facebook page. I've never felt my friends needed me as much as I needed them and if actions speak louder than words, their inaction actually says a lot. Once again, random chance has blessed me with friends who often take the meaning of the word friend for granted.

As far as those “weak ties” go, Productive Peter couldn't be more wrong. Acquaintances (especially friends-of-friends) have only caused problems in my life...big problems. They didn't lead to new and exciting opportunities. Rather, they took too much out of me and the only thing I learned from these relationships was that I should have avoided them in the first place.

They say in life you make your own luck. To a certain extent, that's true. When a good opportunity arrives, we might miss it unless we're armed with the necessary tools to make the most of it. However, everyone in life is also held hostage by random chance. How productive, comfortable and meaningful would your life be if you were born in the Gaza Strip as opposed to Buckingham Palace? I think some people do have good luck in life while others are blessed to be cursed. Self-help videos tend to ignore this fact and for the guy who's often down on his luck, they offer no help at all.

The Art of Somewhat Presentable

The internet has no shortage of people who feel they can offer you advice for improving your life and one type of video I checked out over the past few months focused on the gentlemanly art of dressing well. These YouTube videos are usually bare-bones productions and feature a man dressed in a suit and necktie offering advice on how to wear formal fashions. He might give an opinion on the best color neckties to wear with a certain type of suit. He might suggest paying more money for quality products that will look better and last longer. There's a pretty good chance the term “sartorial” might be used which is actually derived from the Latin word “sartor” and means tailor.

One of the hosts of these videos discussed the benefits of dressing well. While not scientific by any means, he admitted to using his own experiences to draw certain conclusions. The big takeaway from his observations was: formal wear did carry with it certain psychological power over ourselves and others. Firstly, he noticed people treated him nicer if he was wearing a suit and tie. Formal wear improved his social interactions with strangers and often people just wanted to engage in small talk with him even if it was to say, “You look sharp.”

He theorized dressing well set a certain tone on a subconscious level. It sent the message that here was a man with the discipline to be polished and well-groomed. If he had to attend a function, his fashion sense let the people there know that he took them seriously enough to actually put some thought into how he looked.

Secondly, dressing like a gentleman boosted his own self-confidence. He claimed that if you dressed well, you stood a little taller and you walked with a little more swagger in your step. He even claimed that people would respect you more and you'd get increased attention from women.

I had to take all of this with a grain of salt because the man hosting these videos also traveled in social circles where a suit and tie weren't so out of place. For a side hustle, he's a motivational speaker for businessmen and is often surrounded by those who dress formally as part of their workplace uniform. One of the places where he had been treated nicely by total strangers was of all things...a luxury hotel. I wondered how the public would react if he found himself riding a dingy subway train to the inner city.

I make good use of the area's thrift stores and love finding nice clothes for very little money. Some of those fashions do include suits, blazers, dressy shirts and ties. The problem is, I have very little opportunity to wear such fancy outfits. Even at church not very many people get dressed up anymore. About ten years ago, our pastor tried inspiring us to look more formal by presenting the same argument that YouTube host made: We were here to worship Jesus so our clothes should be an outward expression of how seriously we took that endeavor. Wasn't the almighty worthy of spending a little extra time to be more thoughtful with our fashion choices? Only a few parishioners decided to give it a try and after a while, our pastor abandoned this effort. The tidal wave of causal dressers won out in the end but would Jesus really care about such things anyway?

Contrary to what the YouTube host said about dressing like a gentleman, I often feel awkward wearing a suit and tie because almost everyone else is dressed like a slob. I don't make enough money to seek out the fancy locales where such fashions would blend in like that aforementioned luxury hotel. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the kind of women who would respond favorably to such fancy clothes are probably too high maintenance and way out of my league.

After watching these videos, I used my own experiences to draw certain conclusions. Despite what ZZ Top said about “a sharp dressed man” I've seen no benefit to dressing formally. A few old ladies at church might compliment me on my outfits but good luck trying to hear it from a woman my own age. Even wearing gentlemanly fashions on Catholic Match didn't get me anywhere. The fact is, the men I see with wives and kids are the ones who make no effort to dress nicely. These guys usually select fashions that make them look like overgrown children yet they're married and I'm not.

Our culture has definitely embraced that “letting it all hang out” look and several months will pass before I see another guy wearing a necktie. I can't even remember the last time I saw a woman out in public with a nice dress on. Shorts, graphic t-shirts, yoga pants, muffin tops and butt cracks seem to be the order of the day. While good Christians shouldn't get caught up judging people on outward appearances, it would be nice in a society that claims to be "diverse" if more people put in an extra effort to look somewhat presentable.

What Happened, America?

Sometimes the relationships we have with our relatives can be a bit puzzling. People you hardly see and don't really know share this connection with you that automatically allows them to enter your life even if you don't have much in common. There are many relatives I never see outside of weddings and funerals despite promises to get together sometime just for the sake of hanging out. Further complicating matters is the different family dynamic between my mother's relatives and my father's relatives.

My mom's side of the family is best described as passive-aggressive and filled with dysfunction. Gatherings with these people usually involves having dinner at a restaurant somewhere and pretending we all get along even though there are some deep-seated resentments lying just below the surface. All it takes is one wrong remark for a decades old trauma to bubble over.

With my dad's side of the family, what you see is what you get and that amounts to some pretty boisterous people who embrace life's pleasures even when it becomes detrimental. Getting together with them usually involves a big party at someone's house with lots of food, music, alcohol and cigarettes.

During the summer of 2024, my mother and I received some shocking news: One of my cousins who was only in her 50s died of a drug overdose. We had no idea she was a user but as I would find out later, some of my relatives were very aware of this fact and thought it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. We had last seen my cousin two years ago and before that, I couldn't tell you when we got together since it was so long ago.

At the funeral, my mother and I experienced some culture shock as many mourners felt it was appropriate to dress in jeans, short pants and t-shirts. I sat behind my deceased cousin's estranged husband and wound up staring at the pit bull tattoo scrawled on the back of his neck. I wondered just what kind of crowd she had fallen in with. Later, I found out the “friends” she did drugs with left her to die when they saw her in distress. The reverend's eulogy did not shy away from my cousin's drug habit and sadly, speaking at funerals like this was a specialty of his that was in demand. He acknowledged the people in the crowd who had “pre-mourned” my cousin and said the two questions most often asked in situations like these began with “What if...?” and “If only...?” Relatives said my cousin had rejected any offers for help and even denied there was a problem.

My cousin's father held the reception at his house and insisted on having everyone back a few days later for their family's annual Independence Day celebration. It was a summertime tradition that he wanted to keep going despite the recent tragedy. My mother and I never went to these parties but decided to go this time around just to show our support.

When we arrived, almost everyone was overweight and overindulging including cousins who were years younger than me. A few of these relatives didn't even have wives. They had long-term girlfriends who they lived with and had children with. So much for courtship first, then marriage, then sex and then children. Such a spectacle made me ask myself, “What happened, America?”

These people were supposedly the more politically conservative members of the family but they seemed to lack some very traditional Christian values like moderation and appropriateness. Did lust and gluttony get omitted from the list of seven deadly sins? I was torn between not judging them and being upset with their devil-may-care attitudes. In the Bible, Jesus embraced tax collectors, adulterers, prostitutes and other sinners BUT he told them to sin no more. That's the other side of the coin feel-good religions usually ignore.

Our country has lost its sense of shame. At one time, the fear of societal disapproval actually kept a good number of people from embracing such hedonistic tendencies. Now we have to accept everything no matter how inappropriate it may seem. The Church's pro-life morals are even twisted around to undermine its views on chastity with relatives being happy that my cousin's girlfriend kept her baby while looking the other way when it came to abstinence and marriage. Once again, society was rewarding people with loose morals while those who saved themselves for marriage were condemned to a life of loneliness. I wondered, “If these people weren't related to me, would I have anything to do with them?”

What happened to my relatives seems indicative of American culture these days. Society promotes excess and people lack the willpower and common sense to resist. It's not enough to have a hamburger. Now you have to put bacon, an egg, onion rings and BBQ sauce on it. So many Americans today are overweight, unhealthy, in debt...and most importantly UNHAPPY. My cousin who passed away was certainly missing something in her life.

A sermon from years ago once described us as having God-sized holes in our souls. Sometimes we tried filling that hole with drugs and sometimes we tried filling it with money. Sometimes we tried filling it with sex and sometimes we tried filling it with food. Unfortunately, no amount of gluttony can remove such an emptiness because what we really need in our lives is God's love and that's hard to find when we're drowning in excess.

Another Great Time-Waster

Last year, I was searching the internet for a certain scene in a movie but wasn't having any luck finding it. After checking again later on, I stumbled upon something called a “reaction video” where a person or persons use a camera to record their experience watching a television show or film. Such videos feature short clips of the program's content or they partially obscure the image of the TV show or movie in question to avoid copyright infringement but often the gist of your favorite scenes remain intact. To me, it was like watching an abridged version of what I had already seen with enough content remaining to still make it an enjoyable experience.

After searching around, I found the particular scene I was looking for. However, I was very intrigued by the person reacting to it because this was their first time watching the movie. They were young and had never seen or heard anything about this film before so watching them react to it was like fondly remembering my first time seeing this movie. I'd laugh when they laughed, I'd be blown away when they noticed a small clue in the film that I had missed, I'd feel closeness when they agreed with my opinion, and I'd roll my eyes if they totally misunderstood something.

After watching this reaction video, I began to wonder how other YouTube users reacted when they watched the same movie for the first time. Falling down this rabbit hole was pretty easy. I think these videos gave me a sense of validation too because these young people thought a movie made in the early 1990s was way better than anything Hollywood produced nowadays. In fact, a few of them even lamented, “I wish we had movies like this today.” Oh how I shared that viewpoint! It's been many, many years since I've gone to an actual movie theater and felt that sense of magic that was so common back in my youth. Unfortunately, most mainstream movies now are plagued by cheesy franchises, bad writing, and an over-reliance on crappy CGI.

After watching several of these reaction videos, I wondered how these people would react to other movies and TV shows that were my favorites. Soon, I was searching entire playlists on YouTube to pick out which videos I wanted to see next. Each one was usually 30 to 40 minutes long so it did take a big bite out of what little free time I had. However, with my 3^rd shift job leaving me tired all the time, this seemed to be the perfect distraction before going back to work.

Some reaction videos were hosted by just one person while others featured groups of people together. Some of my favorite videos were hosted by husband and wife teams who were a little on the geeky side and it was amazing how well they got along and were in tune with each other. I said to myself, “I'd want a wife like that.”

To make money, these people had Patreon accounts and for a fee, members could watch these videos ahead of everyone else. They could also see exclusive content not available for public viewing which often included reaction to the entire movie. Some “reactors” had day jobs while others managed to make it their full time job. Now if you had told me when I was in my 20s that there would be people who got paid to sit on their butts and watch their favorite TV shows and movies all day long, I would have thought you were crazy. My years as a couch potato back then never got me much of anything!

I sometimes wonder about the ethics of all of this. A screenwriter, a director, actors and a whole bunch of other people behind the camera put in long hours to create these movies and TV shows and now other people were making money off of their creativity under the pretext of fair use. What also started to bother me was how invested I became in these reaction videos. I probably laughed more by watching them than I had laughed hanging out with friends in recent years. I felt more emotions from watching online videos than I did from interacting with others in real life.  The internet was already a great time-waster but now I found one more thing to whittle away my days.

For Lent this year, I chose to give up watching all reaction videos. It's been manageable but not easy as new content comes out every week and Easter is still far away. I think Lent is a very important time for self-reflection that allows us to examine our faults and think about the areas of our lives where we can do better. It bothered me that these videos were filling a void in my life that should not have been there in the first place. These reactors weren't my friends but I was certainly looking forward to seeing them as if we were.  Also of great concern was this pattern of work, eat, sleep that was taking over my life and leaving so little time to do anything productive around the house especially since my job wasn't very fulfilling or profitable.

Is society so starved of meaningful connections that we have to turn to the online world? While there's no going back, I sometimes think about how life was like before the internet, smartphones and other electronic trappings. We may not have had information on demand, but we seemed to be living life in the moment more often instead of craving emotions from the strangers on our screens.