Despite all of this, a perennial topic of conversation during our phone calls is the disharmony that's plagues his marriage. His wife can be very overbearing especially when it comes to sweating the small stuff in life. My friend feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time because there's no telling what little thing might set her off. He feels totally unappreciated as a provider and once confessed to me, “If my wife gave me 100 tasks to do around the house and I completed 99 of them, she'd pick me apart for the one thing I didn't finish.” There is a scientific reason for this called the Zeigarnik Effect. People better remember tasks that are interrupted or unfinished.
Adding to her displeasure is the fact that after he's finished working long hours in a very stressful job, he doesn't always have the time or energy to do the tasks she wants done like dusting or emptying the dishwasher. Instead of sympathizing, his wife berates him and sometimes throws a temper tantrum. My guess is she considers his failure to help out to be a personal slight against her because she feels so overwhelmed. For years his wife argued, “I have the more stressful job of raising the kids!” Even though their children are now grown, she still uses this as an excuse.
My friend's career provided a roof over her head and allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom for many years. Their mortgage was also paid off before he turned 50. I'd say they have a lot to be thankful for but she insists he does “nothing” around the house. My friend tried defending himself by listing all the things he's done for the household over the years but she doesn't use logic to argue. If she simply “feels” a certain way, then it becomes the Gospel truth. As a result, he has stopped defending himself when they fight because he knows he'll never win. Men usually clam up and bury their feelings when they think their vulnerability will be mocked and used against them.
My friend tells me past marriage counseling sessions weren't helpful because his wife blamed him for everything while she refused to own up to her faults. Adding fuel to this fire in recent years is social media. Since his wife has trouble making friends and doesn't like going out, she spends a lot of time on the internet and is drawn to TikTok videos where modern women discuss what a marriage should be. Instead of promoting traditional Christian values, these virtual reality personalities will set unrealistic expectations for husbands and then criticize them for not achieving such lofty goals. My friend's wife internalizes these artificial wants and needs that didn't exist two minutes before she watched these videos. Of course she's not happy living in a slightly cluttered ranch house when some social media influencer is telling her she should be living in a mansion that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.
These influencers, who usually have no degree in psychology will also urge women to preform subtle tests on their husbands. If the men fail, the wives are told they are in a bad marriage. The reality is, guys usually don't do well with subtlety. Perhaps the BEST way to talk to a husband about something is to actually talk to him about it...openly and honestly without the threat of reprisals.
Sadly, a death in their family caused my friend's wife to become increasingly withdrawn and despite his efforts to support her, she moved out of the house and is now living with her mother. I try to avoid the “S” word (separated) during our phone calls because he's not sure what her departure means for their marriage. Neither of them want a divorce but this latest turn of event is causing more resentment. My friend rants, “I wish I could withdraw from the world when I'm depressed but I have to go to work everyday and make sure all the bills are paid!”
My friend and his wife got married in the Church and had their kids confirmed but this was done just to impress their relatives. In actuality, they both have disdain for organized religion. While there are plenty of bad Christian marriages, I do wonder if this lack of faith made for a weak foundation. My friend has often criticized me for holding onto the Church's traditional values because he felt living together before marriage was how he really got to know his future spouse. I recently reminded him of this theory and pointed out, “You never accounted for your wife changing over the years.” Perhaps those studies about the dangers of premarital co-habitation have some credence?
One thing is for sure, social media hasn't helped my friend's marriage one bit. Instead of teaching humility, empathy, and gratitude, his wife is being filled with anxiety by watching videos from content creators who are hell-bent on sowing discord among the sexes.
(More on that topic in the next entry.)
With all respect, you are making a lot of assumptions. You are hearing one side of the story only. I'm sure your friend has some legitimate gripes in his marriage, as I'm sure his wife does too. However, making the judgements you're making seems unfair and uninformed on your part. As someone whom has admitted to never having a real, long term relationship of any kind, you have no idea what goes on in a long term marriage.
ReplyDeleteI have been married for 26 years and its not all easy and without conflicts. Sometimes people vent to their friends as an easy way to get things off their chests. Im sure your friend thought he was doing that with you. I am also a woman (and Catholic) who has read every post of yours and find that you are very judgemental and kind of negative towards women. Maybe look at that before you cast stones at other relationships
First of all, thank you for reading every one of my posts.
DeleteI know my friend's phone calls are one-sided and he is venting but I do evaluate the credibility of what he says. I was tempted to write this in the post but didn't for the sake of saving space: When they were first dating in college, she told him to meet her outside the library at a specific time. He waited and waited but she never showed up. After a while, he walked to another location to see if she was there instead. Nope. He returned to the library to find her waiting outside. She was so angry he wasn't there when she arrived that she slapped him across the face before he could explain. Does that sound rational? Her parents were overjoyed when he proposed to her because they didn't think she'd find a great guy to marry. Both of those are red flags that would have given me cause for concern. I do know his wife from the years they lived in the next town over so I'm familiar with her personality and anger issues. I also truly believe their disdain for religion caused her sadness about the loss of her dad to magnify into a deep depression because she and her husband feel there is no afterlife and without faith, there is no feeling of hope.
I am so glad you've been married for 26 years. I see very few examples of successful marriages in my everyday life...even Catholic ones so that's a great accomplishment. I say this with respect but you have no idea what the dating scene has been like these past couple of decades nor do you know what it is to be single during that stretch of time. It is horrible especially when you factor in how our culture has changed with the advent of the internet, social media and smart phone. Studies show something is really off about life nowadays.
If you want to see judgement, I'd suggest reading how Catholic women unfairly blame men for so many things that have gone wrong. Or they will say, "There aren't ANY good Catholic men anymore." Many of my posts are a reaction to that attitude and when CatholicMatch had a forum, the women there used to slam us guys all the time BUT they were never called judgmental. One woman in particular said nice guys were to be avoided because they were well...nice. Does that make sense?
For most of my life, I've enjoyed close friendships with women who thought having male friends was no big deal. They weren't Catholic and tended to lean to the left politically. However, so many Catholic men and women seem to have a problem with opposite sex friendships so again who is being negative toward women in this case? I've been told in the CatholicMatch forums that to hang out with a female friend in your bedroom is to create an occasion of near sin and should be avoided at all costs. I've had women friends hang out with me in my bedroom on a few occasions because that's where my computer, journals, TV and other neat things are located and nothing sexual ever entered my mind. Again, it seems like traditional Catholics are being more judgmental about men, women and relationships than the secular feminists I've known over the years. In some respects, that's a sad commentary about our faith.
Anonymous says she’s read every one of your posts. But from what lens, I wonder? I would hope it’s from a lens of “gee, I was blessed in life to be part of a long term marriage…let me see how I read this single person’s posts and learn some empathy for those not so blessed”. Alas, I think Anonymous is condescending in her tone, calling you out for ignorance of married life. Maybe Anonymous is envious that long term singles have been smart enough throughout life not to commit to a disastrous partnership. We pay the price for that by being alone, yet still lend a compassionate ear to our married friends who complain. Maybe Anonymous needs to know that we’ve endured the pain of alone-ness for so long that (unlike the married/blessed) we’d wake up grateful every day to bear even the lousy parts of marriage. Maybe long term single friends are just what married people need to remind them to set firm boundaries so they don’t forget who they are in their union of confusion. Single people are uniquely qualified in these areas to listen and encourage married people in these areas. But instead the singles are looked down upon as ignorant, commitment-phobic, less-than failures. Not the case. Heck, unmarried priests are considered uniquely qualified to provide marriage counseling, and they commit to celibacy in their 20s. All that said, I do think the posts on this site display some anger at women as a group, perhaps some of it justified. But I do hope you can find a woman who doesn’t fit that particular mold. I just can’t tolerate married people talking down to singles in that way. In many ways, long term singles have a higher relationship-IQ than many married people. Some married people are little more than roommates. Some went straight from their parents’ home to their married home…and then they claim to be so much more sophisticated about communication and relationships than single people are.
DeleteI will believe that Anonymous 1's comments were written out of Christian charity for me, my friend and his wife but I do agree that the perspective of an older single is very different from someone who has been married for a long time. I figured there was the chance some people would see this latest blog entry as being too one-sided against my friend's wife but I know my friend well and how kind-hearted he is. In actuality, I shared this story because it reflects a huge fear some people have regarding marriage: when your spouse changes in ways that causes problems with the relationship.
DeleteHinting at the next topic, there seem to be plenty of videos made in the last few years that claim men are better off being single and avoiding women altogether. I find this to be just as troubling as the videos my friend's wife watches. I don't think I am angry at women as a group but I won't shy away from pointing out the hypocrisy and double standards I've seen among some women in the Catholic dating scene. Many of their complaints about men seem unfair like my favorite: "posing with the fish you caught for your profile picture on CatholicMatch" because I've seen a few women do this too.