For this black sheep, few things in life make me feel so out of place than participating in my hometown's nightlife. Every autumn, the local institution where I volunteer holds an annual meeting which features food, speeches and a small awards ceremony. Formal wear isn't required but it's an excuse to get dressed up. The festivities wind down around 9 PM so it leaves a few of us all dressed up with nowhere to go.
After a recent annual meeting, someone suggested going out to a local bar. Since I didn't have much of a social life, they asked me to join them. “How will you ever find anyone if you don't try?” one acquaintance remarked. I decided to tag along just to prove her wrong.
Whether I stay home or go out, the results have always been the same because visiting a bar is one of the most inefficient ways to meet people. You put all your hope on the random chance a woman with similar interests and beliefs will be sitting there just waiting to strike up a nice conversation. Being an older Catholic single makes the odds of this happening pretty slim.
That night, six of us went out to a small Irish pub in the downtown. We found a mostly jeans and t-shirt crowd but I was still wearing my dress shirt, tie, waistcoat and slacks from the annual meeting. The place was filled with tattooed hipster millennials since there was an art college nearby. Guess the odds didn't play out in my favor.
Our small group started ordering drinks but I only had water. We joked to the waitress that I was the designated driver but in reality, I just didn't like the taste of many alcoholic beverages. That didn't stop my acquaintances from offering me a sip of whatever concoction they ordered. Hmmm. Feeling awkward and being pressured to drink. Why don't I go out more often?
They racked up a pretty hefty tab because in their minds, alcohol equaled happiness and they didn't care if they got wasted. One person from the group had even suffered a mild heart attack the week before but that did not curtail his intake. It just happened to be open mic night so when the mildly talented singers belted out the tunes, it was difficult to hear what anyone at our table was saying. Later, two strange looking old women shuffled in with a guitar to do a dramatic poetry reading that was just awful.
As my acquaintances enjoyed more adult beverages, one of them thought I was being a bit uptight for refusing to order a drink. He then asked if I had ever been laid. Suddenly, all eyes were on me but I told them it was none of their business. As a devout Catholic, I had encountered this question a few times before but there was no good way to answer it. If I said yes, they would want to know details. If I said no, I'd be the butt of their jokes. As they continued to pry, I just acted dumb until they found something else to talk about. When I got up to go to the bathroom, the smell of marijuana wafted in from the back deck. There was absolutely nothing here for me so after awhile, I decided to leave.
Experiences like this make me wonder why alcohol must be a night on the town's central focus. I don't see anything wrong with moderate drinking especially if your beverage compliments a meal but people get carried away. Perhaps this is why I think those Theology on Tap events seem very gimmicky.
Single Catholics don't have many options when it comes to finding a spouse but the bar scene seems like a big waste of time and money. How often should we go to the local watering hole before we realize there just isn't anyone there for us?
Bishop Mark O'Connell had recommended I check out a weekly summer reading group at his parish because there were a few 40 year olds who regularly attended. The meetings targeted millennials but everyone was welcome. Participants read and discussed chapters from the book What Catholics Really Believe by Karl Keating. I decided to take him up on the offer but doubts lingered in the back of my mind.
A sign inside the lobby of St. Theresa's said "Calling All Millennials" and directed me to a small conference room. Sitting at the table were an elderly couple, a guy in his 60s and the instructor who was also older. A married woman in her 30s arrived a little later. Everyone was friendly and we had a nice discussion while reading about purgatory but the group wasn't exactly what I was looking for. The instructor did say two women in their 40s usually joined them but both were married. Just my luck! I sent the bishop an e-mail a few days later to let him know I probably wouldn't be attending any more of these meetings.
The visit had me thinking about an experience at my former parish, St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly. A few years ago, I asked Deacon Joens why our church didn't have anything geared towards older singles. Even though the young adult group's age limit was 35, he suggested I attend saying, "No one is checking IDs at the door." Except for the instructor, everyone there was much younger and I felt very awkward. The deacon dropped by for a few minutes to say hi but as the months passed, he never bothered to follow up with me. Eventually, the group was quietly disbanded due to a lack of young adults. Did anyone care I had nowhere to go in my own church? Apparently not because as the months passed, the parish website continued to promote the young adult group as an active ministry.
It's very easy for people to give Catholic singles "helpful" advice when they have nothing at stake. In my e-mail to Bishop O'Connell, I said people like me just aren't a priority. To help him understand what many Catholic singes had to endure, I added two links:
One was for the blog The Hidden Faithful:
https://thehiddenfaithful.wordpress.com/
The other was to an article entitled How Churches Today Abandon Christian Singles:
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single
I told the bishop to pay particular attention to the comments section on each site but he never sent a response. Why am I not surprised? While many within the Church joyfully promote vocations to the priesthood and religious life, no one seems to lose any sleep thinking about how lonely Catholic singles are. Just kick the can down the road as months, years and even decades pass by.
A while ago, someone told me the young adult group at St. Mary's was back and they extended the age range to include people in their 40s. Their Facebook page had photos of many young people enjoying themselves at a pub but an event page showed some incredibly low numbers so I contacted the woman who ran the ministry to learn more. She admitted they were struggling as a group with attendance as high as 15 but usually hovering around 5. The number of single, married, dating, men and women were evenly split. Ages ranged from college students to people in their 30s with most of the over 40 crowd bowing out after having been members for awhile. Perhaps they felt out of place?
She said St. Mary's also had a men's prayer group, mixed bible study and daily Eucharistic adoration. I wondered to myself how any of these ministries would help me as a Catholic single. She even suggested I try to find a Theology on Tap group. Bishop O'Connell had recommended this too saying there was a Theology on Tap in Ayer, MA with a nice middle aged crowd. I e-mailed the woman who ran that group and explained my situation. She replied, "I don't think we fully meet what you are looking for, but it is the same reason we continue to have a strong TOT group 8 years later. We weigh more toward the older and married side of things." Ayer is a long drive for a gathering that probably wouldn't meet my expectations.
I don't think the Catholic Church knows what to do with older singles like me which is a shame because we need our religion to be there for us. Rejecting the hookup culture of secular society makes finding a spouse incredibly difficult. Being shuffled around to different ministries that don't quite address our concerns is not the answer.
