Changing Rites Of Passage

Kids of my generation knew Christmas was inching a bit closer when the Sears Catalog arrived in the mail. My parents would hand my older brother and me the very thick book and tell us to put check marks next to the pictures of toys we wanted with the stipulation that we wouldn't get everything on our list. This gave my parents a guide on what to get us for Christmas but even back then we understood our desire for every single toy we checked off would be tempered by what they could afford.

After my parents placed orders for everyone's gifts, the catalog was no longer needed but my brother and I would continue to look though the toy section for hours on end. We'd fantasize about which toys they might get us and during the late 1970s, Star Wars action figures, plastic army men and Tonka trucks were the primary objects of our affection. During the early and mid 1980s, we mostly longed for Transformers and G.I. Joes and if boys didn't need enough temptation, Sears offered a few exclusive paint schemes for some G. I. Joe vehicles. In an era before instant gratification, those photos of toys in the Sears Catalog captured our attention year after year.

As I got a little older, something curious happened. Instead of only looking through the toy section, I started to take notice of the pictures of women wearing lingerie and swimsuits in the clothing section. Back then, I had no idea what sex was about but the very shape of a woman's body was now grabbing my attention. My fantasies about toys were giving way to daydreams about these women. My brother wasn't immune to their effects either because some pages of the Sears Catalog would go missing and wind up hidden in his room.

It's funny how boys spend most of their childhood thinking girls are gross, but when puberty starts to kick in, all that changes. I still remember how strong waves of desire washed over me, even if I was too young to do anything about those feelings. The 80s were still a time of innocence. When I was a kid, seeing images of naked or scantily clad women was an extremely rare occurrence. Children were largely protected from such things because of the many safe harbors society had set up so we had to settle for whatever we could find.

In addition to the Sears Catalog, there was an edition of Time Magazine that made quite an impression on me because it featured a risqué photo of actress Mariel Hemingway from her movie Star 80. A few films from my youth featured very sexual content despite being edited for television but even media that wasn't overtly sexual would still fill me with desire. Whether it was a nameless character in the background of a movie who wore a bikini or a beautiful woman selling laundry detergent in a commercial, what I saw as sexy was heavily influenced by my raging hormones.

Then everything changed when my older brother found my dad's stash of old nudie magazine that were hidden in the basement. Like the images of toys our younger selves once fawned over, we were totally enamored by what we saw. It may seem silly now, but I actually found myself wishing for the ability to jump into the photographs. There would be many more visits to the cellar from that point on and we'd always tell our parents some excuse like how we were looking for a lost toy or working on building something with the scraps of lumber stored there.

All of this represented the first few steps in my journey out of childhood and into manhood. I was still discovering what attraction was all about and having daydreams involving the women of the Sears Catalog and my dad's magazine collection was a normal part of growing up. Unfortunately, some Catholics just love to trot out Matthew 5:28. “Everyone who looks at a woman with lustful intent has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” They claim it's always wrong to be filled with lust no matter what. Nonsense!

That particular Bible passage can be interpreted in other ways and I highly doubt Jesus was discouraging teen crushes but look who runs our Church...celibate unmarried men. The truth is, attraction plays a big part in how we propagate the species and it's through having healthy sexual fantasies that males like me tried to figure out how to love. Call them mental simulations, they were anything but sinful.

It's sad that Matthew 5:28 has now crept into Catholic dating only to sabotage it. So many traditional Catholic women are under the impression that any man who has ever looked at a woman in a lustful way must be a pervert. They use terms like “porn addiction” and write off any guy who has ever had lustful thoughts. Well ladies, you just ruled out 95% of all guys because here's the thing: MEN LOVE LOOKING AT WOMEN. We are attracted to them visually and we are turned on by their beauty. There's nothing wrong with that. Men and women are just different. Our own Church says so. While there are many things wrong with pornography that I will address in a future post, I don't think dismissing men who would actually make good husbands is healthy for the future of our religion either.

Thankful for My Dad's Choice

When my father was in his early 30s, friends had set him up with a single woman who was the mother of two boys. (We aren't sure if she was divorced or widowed but since it was the early 1960s, it's highly unlikely she was never married with kids.) They must have hit it off because they dated for about ten years.

Eventually, my dad expressed a desire to have children of his own but she didn't want any more. Now he found himself at one of those very big crossroads in life where two destinies were clearly laid out before him: He could either stay with this woman, be a father figure to her kids and give up those dreams of biological children or he could break off the relationship and hope to find a woman who would fall in love with him and give him the family that he desired. Either path had its own rewards and pitfalls but no matter what my dad's choice was, there would be no going back.

Ultimately, my father decided to break off the relationship which was a pretty risky move for a guy pushing 40 during the late 1960s. After all, there was no guarantee he'd ever find anyone to marry and give him the family he wanted. By going his own way, he could have traded a good relationship with a woman in the here and now for unintended life-long bachelorhood. Thankfully, fate would intervene just a few years later.

My mother had been single all her life because the men she dated never really caught her fancy. Thanks to a chance encounter, she was introduced to my dad at a house party. They didn't hit it off right away but after meeting again at another house party, they started talking. My mom's friends helped things along by leaving early so he would have to give her a ride home. Before dropping her off at her apartment, my dad promised to call my mom in a few weeks because he had to travel to New York for a bowling tournament. My mother said with great skepticism in her heart, “Sure.” She was pleasantly surprised when he made good on that promise and after just a few months of dating, they were engaged to be married. Within three years, my dad had the family he always wanted.

Both in real life and on CatholicMatch, I've been scolded for not wanting to date a woman with kids. I've been told, “At your age, you need to be realistic.” I've been criticized for being too judgmental. I've been called out for not embracing the power of forgiveness. One woman in the CatholicMatch forums told me that I could be the healing force a lonely single mother needed in her life. Some even said an unwillingness to date single moms goes against the Church's pro-life stance.

On the other side of the coin are the online relationship gurus who caution men about dating women with children and they list good reasons why you should avoid them. Ironically, one acquaintance who often urged me to start dating single moms often complained about the same things these gurus discussed. Despite all his efforts to be a dad to his girlfriend's kids, she'd automatically side with them in any argument. He spent tons of money on gifts and meals for her kids but never quite felt like he was part of their family. Sadly, a piece of his heart was ripped out when the relationship ended because he really did care about his girlfriend's children.

One single mom who was very vocal in the CatholicMatch forums felt there was an unfair black mark against her for something that wasn't even her fault. She went into her marriage a faithful Catholic but her husband was a wolf in sheep's clothing who secretly watched porn, practiced infidelity and then left. I felt sorry for her but asserted, “The dating world is big enough for the many widows, widowers, single moms, single dads and the divorced on this website to find each other.”

If there were men out there who were willing to date single moms then more power to them. Why, however were people constantly shaming me for my lack of baggage? Why were they so adamant I start dating women who had already passed some very big milestones in life? I tried explaining to that single mom on CatholicMatch, “We come from two different places. As someone who has very little dating experience, I'd want plenty of one-on-one time with a potential girlfriend. I'd want to be able to take off on a romantic adventure without having to schedule a babysitter. I don't want an instant family.” Unfortunately, there was very little sympathy for these opinions on CatholicMatch.

Like my dad, it seems as if two paths are being laid out before me: Face being alone for the rest of my life by stubbornly holding onto the dream of marrying someone with very little baggage or adjust my standards and marry a woman with way more baggage than me. During the 1990s, my father got a rare glimpse of the path not chosen when one of his ex-girlfriend's adult children introduced himself at a relative's funeral. He thanked my dad for being a much-needed father figure for all those years and admitted such a positive influence helped him to become a better man later on in life. My dad was floored by these comments but I know for a fact he would not have changed a thing. I'm very thankful for his choice so long ago because if he had listened to all the naysayers, I wouldn't exist.

A Martyr in the Making?

Since my elderly mother suffers from bad mobility problems, she often leans on me to walk...especially if we're out in public. After one recent Mass, a parishioner was so moved by such a display she came up to me later on and said, “You'll be rewarded in heaven.” I politely thanked this person for her remark but in reality, I resented it for two reasons.

Firstly, it reflects a certain hands-off approach to pastoral care that I've encountered many times as a Catholic single. While I'm sure her remark was well-intentioned, it did absolutely nothing to help my current situation which by-the-way feels very dire. My mother's health continues to spiral downward and between caregiving and working a dead-end job, I'm starting to think all the things I really want out of life will never come to pass. My reaction to the phrase “You'll be rewarded in heaven” reminds me of how some military veterans resent it when civilians say, “Thank you for your service.” In both cases, it's a quick and convenient “out” that lacks true understanding of a person's burdens.

The parishioner's comment also implies defeat when it comes to the things you are struggling for. I've seen this in the way priests who once pledged prayers for my mother to get better now say nothing about her chronic pain but declare, “She's going straight to heaven for her suffering.” When people can clearly see that I'm sacrificing so much as a caregiver, they should be asking me how I feel but instead “You'll be rewarded in heaven” allows them to keep a good distance and not get involved.

Secondly, the remark places your very real struggles on a lower rung that's not too serious. Catholics can get so caught up in the belief the things of this world aren't as important as what awaits you in heaven that it becomes fatalistic. A middle-aged woman on the CatholicMatch forums shared her opinion that all of us singles who steadfastly held onto the Church's values but would never get married or have kids were “white martyrs.” After looking up the meaning of that term, I thought to myself, “How depressing.”

For a Church that promotes a culture of life, the Catholic faith can be downright morbid. During one sermon at St. Mary's in Beverly, our young pastor, Fr. Barnes, talked about how great it was that Christian martyrs in Japan died with expressions of joy on their faces because they knew they'd be entering the Kingdom of Heaven. Over the years, I've heard many sermons on the sick and dying who viewed their suffering in a positive light. One terminally ill man even said he was happy because he was going to meet Jesus soon. Pope Francis once scolded Catholics who had long faces at Mass but with sermons like these, having a long face is difficult to avoid.

A few years ago, a friend who knew I was a virgin passed along the story of St. Maria Goretti thinking it would make me feel better. It did not. While it's true no one is guaranteed success in life, when people's lives are cut short before they have the chance to fulfill their goals, it's usually seen as a tremendous loss not only for that person and their loved ones but for the world in general. “You'll be rewarded in heaven” puts a nice bow on a terrible situation and tries to make sense of the senseless. I think this can be a somewhat insensitive perspective given that we have no proof such a sacrifice even matters in the grand scheme of things. I highly doubt there are many sex-offenders walking around today who would be forgiven and turn their lives around so drastically as Maria Goretti's killer.

On CatholicMatch, I once traded messages with a woman who I did not want to date and she wondered if she was alone today because the unknown man she was meant to marry died before they had a chance to meet. It was a sad sentiment but I admitted to having those same thoughts. In fact, thoughts of death are not far from my mind and at times I wonder if I'm alone because God has an early demise planned for me. Perhaps my singleness is a way of sparing a potential wife and kids a terrible loss. Such thoughts are not very life-affirming, are they?

I will never forget when Fr. Hughes, the onetime pastor of St. Mary's discussed in a sermon how important it was to take up your cross adding that there was nothing sadder than a docked boat with sails never to be unfurled. Rather than seeing the value of my sacrifice, I wonder what it was all for. Have I failed to take up my cross or is this all part of God's plan? One thing is for sure, the best years of my life for falling in love and raising a family have passed me by. Fellow Catholics need to better understand my deep sense of helplessness instead of trivializing it.

Punchline of a Cosmic Joke

After high school, I continued to save sex for marriage and suffered all the slings and arrows as a result. However, there was no safe harbor for people who made this decision despite the growing popularity of the “What Would Jesus Do?” trend which basically amounted to nothing more than a few young people wearing W.W.J.D. bracelets. I also remember talk of purity rings back then but in liberal Massachusetts that idea never caught on either.

During a meeting at St. Mary's rectory in the 1990s, I saw a magazine called You! which was geared toward the Catholic Church's young people. On the cover of one issue was singer Amy Grant and on another was actor John Stamos. I questioned the latter's commitment to the Church's views on sexuality given his rock star image and wondered if the publisher had trouble finding qualified role models.

While some TV shows like Blossom, Beverly Hills 90210, Family Matters and L.A. Law respectfully portrayed characters who refrained from sex, many others like Seinfeld used virginity as comedy relief. Then came the film The 40 Year Old Virgin which only reinforced the notion that late adulthood virginity was a result of ineptitude rather than a beautiful moral choice. One of my friends who thinks the Church's values are foolish occasionally teases me by quoting this movie's line, “What you just gotta do is just get you a bunch of these hood rats...”

During high school and college, I was eager to defend the Church's values at the drop of a hat but as the years passed, I found myself living in the closet in order to smooth things over with the vast majority of people who just couldn't understand. When a married coworker talked about how awkward he was in high school, he admitted to losing his virginity “very late in life” at age 18. I pretended to sympathize with his plight. On more than one occasion, I was put on the spot by coworkers who wanted to know about my past sexual experiences. I either made up a number or said that I didn't really talk about such things. Situations like these are painful because like St. Peter, I was denying a very important aspect of my faith.

I did share my secret with a married Catholic female coworker who never embraced the Church's values on premarital sex. We exchanged knowing looks when Friends was on the television in the break room and the episode airing featured a high school student comically losing his virginity to Monica.

If virginity isn't played for laughs then it's often viewed by society as something of a sideshow attraction...curiosity mixed with disbelief. That was the reaction when actress Rebel Wilson wrote in her autobiography that she didn't lose her virginity until the age of 35. Woke newscasters couldn't mock her “choice” but they found it odd to say the least. Despite our culture of diversity, there was simply no room to consider how waiting so long to have sex could be a laudable goal. Remember when Olympian Lolo Jones gained more fame for her decision to save herself for marriage than for her sporting abilities?

During a recent interview on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, the host embarrassed Kirsten Dunst by reading an old interview she did for Teen Magazine where the actress said she and all her friends were proud virgins having attended Catholic school. Like many who once professed these values but no longer embraced them, she tried to distance herself from her old remarks and found them humiliating.

Even abstinence's one-time role model, Brooke Shields admitted that she lost her virginity during college and was so guilt-ridden by the experience, she tumbled out of bed and ran out of the dorm room naked. She now regrets waiting so long to have sex because she missed out on “a sense of joy and freedom” and largely blames her mother for forcing abstinence upon her. What a role model, but even Lolo Jones partially blames her lackluster performance in sports on her virginity.

On YouTube we see social experiment videos played for laughs when a guy being filmed with a hidden camera blurts out to passing women, “I'm a virgin!” Another video asks women if they would sleep with a virgin. Most of the amused respondents answer with a resounding no because they figure there's something wrong with the guy or he won't know what to do in bed. And then there's the Virginity Exchange on Reddit where dateless wonders (mostly guys) plead for someone to sleep with them for the first time. There aren't many things in the world that are more pathetic.

If abstinence did indeed have some kind of counterculture edginess to it during the 1990s, it's mostly viewed as creepy, comical or sad in today's day and age. For those Catholics who took the Church's stance on premarital sex seriously and never wavered from it, there needs to be a place we can call home...where our moral decision can be seen as an attractive and rewarding one instead of the punchline of a cosmic joke.

Great Sacrifice Demands Great Reward

The last blog entry mentioned some of the statistics my educators in Sunday school and Catholic high school used to promote the Church's views on premarital sex: Couples who saved themselves for marriage enjoyed increased happiness and fewer divorce rates. While such claims helped buttress my decision to forgo sex until marriage, there was more to it than that.

Even as a teenager with raging hormones, I saw the beauty of two people who had abstained from sex their whole lives joining in the bonds of Holy Matrimony. Without even knowing each other, they chose to make a huge sacrifice in the here and now for an unseen future together. Despite all the pressures and temptations an oversexed society forced upon them, they would still be able to say to each other, “I saved myself for you.”

While my classmates were sowing their wild oats, I wanted to be with just one woman. I wanted a relationship where we would grow together, truly know each other and pass every milestone together. Of course, it didn't hurt that my Catholic high school nuns talked about how saving yourself for marriage was the ultimate gift you could give your spouse. It was also the time of AIDS and a common phrase meant to scare us was, “When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they ever had sex with.” Most of us took that statement with a grain of salt.

For me, the Church's views on premarital sex just made sense and as a devout Christian, I always tried defending these values even if it brought ridicule. When I told a friend about my decision to save myself for marriage and my hope to find a spouse who had done the same she said the only way I'd ever accomplish that would be to move down south and marry a redneck. At one high school party, the host's older brother made some wisecrack about how I should sleep with one of my female friends. When I asserted my belief in the Church's teachings, he blurted out in front of all the guests, “You need to get laid!” One of my aunts doubted my moral convictions and proclaimed at some point I'd have sex outside of marriage. Well, she's long dead and I'm still a virgin.

My steadfastness wasn't a result of being a dateless wonder either because there were one or two opportunities to lose my virginity in high school had I chosen to pursue it. Some of my friends thought I should have gotten sex over with whether it was good, awkward or not so great but my standards were much higher than that.

I found somewhat of a role model in Brooke Shields when she reluctantly admitted on the Arsenio Hall Show that she was still a virgin. (At the time, I was unaware of the fuss she made a few years earlier on the subject.) The 1990s saw various campaigns to promote abstinence and one involved billboards with the word VIRGIN spray painted in bold letters. Below that a caption read, “Teach your kid it's not a dirty word.” The Rush Limbaugh television show featured professional basketball player A.C. Green's efforts to encourage young people to save themselves for marriage. A slightly cool counterculture vibe started to emerge and along with the more conservative elements of the “straight edge” subculture some young people were pushing back against a society that seemed far too immoral and exploitative.

Despite all this, however, it was still largely uncool to hold onto these views and one by one most of my friends from Catholic high school rejected the Church's teachings regarding premarital sex. Oddly enough, one female friend admitted to me that she respected my moral fortitude and thought my beliefs were right even though she was sexually active. (All the good it did.)

For all the ridicule and isolation the decision to save sex for marriage brought, it didn't really bother me at the time because I never lost sight of that beautiful vision for marriage and sexuality my Catholic educators presented. Sure, abstinence was a great sacrifice but the reward was also great. While there are no guarantees in life, we usually give something up to get something worth struggling for. Why do we do good things even when it's a major inconvenience? To get into heaven. Why do we work long hours in jobs we can't stand? To provide for ourselves, our family and hopefully a better future.

My Catholic educators didn't say, “Sleep with whoever you want because in the end it doesn't matter.” If that were the case, then why did I save sex for marriage in the first place? The reward should match the sacrifice and if a career no longer offers just compensation for our hard work, don't we demand more money? Don't we start to question staying in that job?

Some people in the online dating community have actually told me my hope to marry a fellow Catholic who also saved themselves for marriage is wrong because “fetishizing virginity” is not what the Church is all about. (Keep in mind, this is the same faith that venerates the Virgin Mary, demands celibacy for priests and has consecrated virgins.) I couldn't help but think what kind of message it sends our young people if everyone who ignored the Church's teachings reap all the rewards while those who stayed true to those teachings are forced to endure a lifetime of empty suffering.

No Catholic Street Cred Here

(From the files of Catholic Match)

Before joining Catholic Match, I wondered how the website's women would perceive me especially since I still embraced the Church's teachings on premarital sex after all these years. My optimistic side hoped they would find this continuing sacrifice to be admirable especially since we lived in such an oversexed culture.

Only a couple of profiles even mentioned the subject with one woman from Texas flat-out stating: “I am a virgin. You be one too, please.” Another female mentioned the shame and anguish abstaining from sex brought her. Other than that, most profiles avoided the subject altogether which is somewhat understandable given the need to avoid creepy guys.

My profile confronted the issue head-on and I clearly stated that I was looking for someone who shared the same sacrifice. Saving myself for marriage brought me loneliness, isolation, rejection and ridicule. Was it so wrong to want a woman who understood these bitter fruits all too well? It wasn't until I participated in the Catholic Match forums that I saw how controversial such an opinion really was.

One of the forum regulars named Jessica* talked about her disdain for the purity movement that had gained popularity in the 1990s. She felt placing such an emphasis on virginity only undermined the Church's teachings on chastity and forgiveness. For her, a person's past didn't matter as much as who they were in the present especially if they were sorry for their sins and now lived a chaste life. Catholic Match's co-founder echoed this sentiment by stating that life was messy and we shouldn't dismiss people based solely on their past.

I could see the point they were trying to make but for someone who had “walked the walk” when it came to this one particular but important Catholic value their statements bothered me. Why were we telling generations of young adults how wonderful it was to save themselves for marriage if people could get an automatic do-over when it came to sex? Doesn't a person's past carry some weight? A certain talk radio host liked to warn against defining deviancy down. Must we lower the bar so that the people who gave in to their carnal desires don't feel so bad?

I refuted a few of Jessica's points only to be shot down by forum users in ways I had never imagined. Jessica claimed virginity in and of itself wasn't a perfect indicator that someone had embraced the Church's values. According to her, a person could be such a dateless wonder, they never had the chance to lose their virginity in the first place. She asserted that chastity was a far more important value because that hypothetical virgin could have a porn addiction or masturbate frequently. Other forum users said there were also “technical virgins” out there meaning people who had engaged in everything BUT sexual intercourse.

I thought they were reaching and said, “If someone on Catholic Match is still a virgin it's probably because they took the notion of saving themselves for marriage pretty seriously.” I also thought they were going overboard with their definition of lust. So what if every now and then you had a sexual fantasy? In my opinion, this was focusing on a very small thing at the expense of a very significant Church teaching.

Catholic Match's co-founder chimed in again to say having a “virgin or bust” mentality bordered on the perverse.  Well, I posted a 2021 article from Catholic Match's own blog where it was stated that couples who waited until marriage to have sex:

“rated the quality of their martial sex 15% higher than people who had premarital sex”

“expressed 22% more stability in their marriages with a 20% higher satisfaction rate”

“are less likely to get divorced.”

Statistics like these were pitched to me in Catholic high school and Sunday school and they're a big reason why I hold the opinions I do. One 60-year old forum user named Pauline appreciated my perspective and wrote in my defense: “He has made a huge sacrifice, saving himself for marriage and, knowing the cost of this sacrifice, he wants a woman who has suffered and sacrificed as he has. Not because he is better, but because he wants to relate to another woman on this HUGE value for him. I get that. I respect that.”

Unfortunately, her comments failed to make an impression and one forum user named Max would later accuse me of being obsessed with wanting to deflower a virgin. It's sad when such an innocent perspective is maligned like that. Sadder still is when something so virtuous is seen as depraved...on a Catholic website no less. God help our religion.

* All names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Forum Fallout

(From the files of Catholic Match)

If I thought sharing some of my hobbies, personality and humor in the Catholic Match forums might grab the attention of the woman of my dreams, it didn't take long for me to realize how sadly mistaken I was. Not only did I not get along with many of the regular contributors on the site, a great deal of my forum topics and posts caused a certain amount of acrimony among these people.

One of this blog's core beliefs is that the Church should be doing more to help its singles. I've spoken about this on Long Lost Black Sheep far too many times and have highlighted the reasons why I think this is true. My opinion was met with skepticism on the Catholic Match forums however, with some members saying it wasn't the Church's job to get people like me a date. They felt I was just making excuses for my own failures and thought it was ridiculous to place blame on the Church for my chronic singleness. I gave it right back to them and explained how the Catholic Church had far more resources than I did to bring people together. With access to facilities across the region, the Archdiocese could send out a clarion call for singles to meet up in low-cost venues. In some ways, the Church does this already with The National Catholic Singles Conference although that event isn't low-cost and often takes place in locations that are prohibitively far away. I also remarked that at the very least, our Church should be discussing the problem singles face and include us in their prayers. The regular forum users were not impressed although years later, one of my biggest critics admitted I had a point and stated the Church didn't care about single people. He did have to get a dig in against me by prefacing his opinion with the comment: ”Not to sound like someone who used to complain about this all the time....”

While lamenting the lack of Catholic Match women who were informed about world events, I remarked that everyone should have some knowledge of the conflict in the Middle East between Israel and Palestine...at least enough to hold up a conversation where you could justify one side or the other. This comment was met with disbelief by one woman who refused to broaden her horizons and thought my expectations were out in left field. Fast forward to the October 2023 attacks along the Gaza Strip, the subsequent response by Israel and the massive protests and divisions it caused in this country. I guess my forum comment wasn't so wacky after all.

A topic of discussion that was supposed to be on the lighter side of things was music. Forum users often shared favorite songs or posted tunes that pertained to certain categories. Years of listening to college and community radio had opened my world up to so many different genres and countless obscure songs so a good number of my musical selections took people off guard. I had more than one Catholic Match member warn me that my love of goth music was a slippery slope to satanism and suicide. Well, that's not what goth is about and I thought they were pretty ignorant to lump everyone together with the few bad apples that did exist in the genre. Also causing some friction was my utter disdain for hokey Christian rock which seemed to be very popular among Catholic Match members.

As discussed in a previous blog entry, I've had some wonderful opposite sex friendships over the years but for many forum users, such a thing was taboo. Naturally, this caused a fair amount of arguments and at times, it felt like I was talking to people from the 1950s. I placed such a high value on a person's individuality, it didn't matter to me what gender they were. Truth be told, I got along better with some of my female friends than I did some of my male friends because we shared more common interests and personality traits. According to the “trad Catholics” in the forums, having opposite sex friends was dangerous because sooner or later, temptation would set in. When I told one of my female friends about this, she replied, “Those people are idiots.”

In fact, by reading the Catholic Match forums I saw a strange level of discord and misunderstanding between the sexes that reminded me of some Muslim cultures. One regular in the forums who I sparred with all the time admitted that she really didn't understand men and figured things would work out between her future husband and herself once they got married. OH, YOU POOR FOOL!!!! I couldn't help but think how miserable the guy would be for having a wife that clueless.

Even though the Bible really doesn't give us a practical guide for dating and marriage, many forum users expected the men to be near-emotionless providers who were strong at all times while the women ran the households ideally as stay-at-home moms. I thought such notions were naive at best. When one forum member asked what the men of Catholic Match would do to protect their women, I joked, “Buy a rocket launcher.” My type of humor usually went over like a lead balloon.

Despite my bad reputation on the forum, people seemed to be interested in what I had to say. Some of the topics I started had huge numbers of views into the thousands as opposed to a few hundred which was the norm. A few men even sent me private messages of encouragement especially when I put annoying female forum users in their place. One gentleman who commiserated with me said, “I didn't know I was a bad Catholic until I joined Catholic Match.” I could definitely identify with that comment. I went to Mass every week, saved myself for marriage, tried to be a thoughtful person, prayed every day and yet it just wasn't good enough for some forum users.

I even had one of the regular female forum users issue what I considered to be a threat by saying I was hurting my chances at dating since many of the women on Catholic Match read what I posted and often discussed it among themselves. Well, I was only being honest and if these women found fault with my opinions, then I guess it just wasn't meant to be.

This same regular female forum user posted a topic that caused a firestorm: Chastity vs. Purity. I will discuss this controversy in the next blog entry.