Valentine's Day Reflections On Ten Years Later

This February marks the ten year anniversary of Long Lost Black Sheep. I created this blog out of frustration for the way the Catholic Church treated its singles who wanted to get married. After reading other blogs on the subject, I felt it was time to share my perspective knowing full well that what I had to say might not be embraced by many traditional Catholics since I refused to shy away from being critical of our clergy. They had neglected people like me for far too long and if singles weren't being given bad advice, they were treated as if they were invisible. I wanted to challenge our spiritual leaders to do better and help out whenever they could. After all, the future of the Catholic Church depended on it whether they realized it or not.

Over the past ten years, I did manage to meet with our regional bishop and spoke to him at great length about the subject. I also hand delivered a letter to Cardinal O'Malley but sadly, not much of anything ever came of it. The bishop recommended I join a Catholic dating website, and the Cardinal sent me a form letter that failed to address anything I talked about.

I also used this blog to chronicle many of my personal experiences growing up in the Catholic faith. I especially wanted to highlight some of the different parishes I belonged to and share stories about my days in Catholic school. I figured capturing these moments in time from long ago might provide valuable lessons but unfortunately, this aspect of the blog has fallen by the wayside over the years.

Interestingly, the most popular entry on this blog by far is the one about disgraced former Bishop Fenwick chaplain Fr. Jim Nyhan. A Google search about this ex-priest usually leads most people right to this website. All of the other content on Long Lost Black Sheep doesn't have anywhere near the numbers as that particular blog entry.

Lastly, if there were any subjects that had nothing to do with Catholicism or being single, I'd still blog about them just to get my observations out there. Over the past ten years, many of those other Catholic singles blogs have disappeared but Long Lost Black Sheep soldiers on even if it's become an increasing struggle to find the necessary free time to write. Working the night shift for many years has ruined my sleep patterns and the demands of caregiving for my elderly mother grows with each passing year.

I know I can be judgmental and divisive at times but I hope there are readers out there who get something useful out of this site. Most blog entries generate no feedback whatsoever. Every once in a great while someone will post a thoughtful comment but more often than not I hear from the “peanut gallery” who make snarky remarks or ask intrusive questions. Keep in mind, I moderate all comments and if someone crosses a line, their words never see the light of day.

Over these past ten years, I followed the bishop's advice and joined a Catholic dating website but the experience was not that great and a portion of this blog highlights some of the drama. Long Lost Black Sheep would never have been popular on the now defunct CatholicMatch forum but to my surprise, a couple of my biggest critics grudgingly agreed with me that the Church needed to do more for it's younger singles who seek marriage.

During my time on CatholicMatch, I only dated one woman for a few months and what began as a wonderfully hopeful experience ended very abruptly. It's left me confused, wary and highly doubtful that I'll ever find anyone to be in a relationship with.

This Valentine's Day, I pondered all the words of encouragement people have given me over the years. “God will answer your prayers.” “You'll eventually find someone.” “There's someone for everyone so it's only a matter of time.” Such sentiments seem very hollow right now even if they were well-intentioned.

So much time has been lost that my dream of falling in love and getting married feels all but dead. If only there had been some kind of help for Catholic singles when I was in my 20s or 30s or 40s.  If only the people I talked to about being single had actually taken me seriously.

Salt On An Open Wound

Some of the “friends” on my Facebook page are anything but friends and it still amazes me how people you have almost no connection with will think it's totally appropriate to send along a friend request. I find such relationships (if you can call them that) are rarely balanced. Several years ago, I was chatting on a public Facebook page when a woman who I had gone to middle school with saw what I wrote and asked if I was a former classmate of hers. I said yes and in no time she was sending me that friend request. I thought it was strange she reached out to me because in middle school I had almost no interactions with her.

Despite my better judgment, I accepted her request and we reminisced on the messenger for a little while about the teachers and fellow students we once knew. After this initial contact, we stopped interacting for the most part. Her path in life as a married woman with adult children was as different from my life as her hobbies, political beliefs and favorite music were. Whenever she posted anything to Facebook, it never resonated with me. Whenever I posted something, she rarely reacted. So now two people with little in common had a connection that seemed to serve no purpose.

She would often post photos of her many social activities whether it was vacationing with her husband or going to a concert with friends. As a lonely single guy, I found this content to be annoying to look at. Every now and then she'd post a video from one of her favorite 80s heavy metal bands thinking it made her look like a rebel. A few times, I'd post a song from some obscure dark metal or goth band to see if I'd get a reaction from her. I never did.

This Valentine's Day she posted two memes and really bothered me. The first said: “I LOVE MY HUSBAND EVERY DAY. NOT JUST ON VALENTINE'S DAY.” Hey, that's great for you but there are people out there who have never been married and don't have anyone to love romantically.

The second meme was more vulgar and reminded me of why many Massachusetts residents live up to the nickname Masshole. It said:

 This person had lost their mother many years ago and I suspect she posted this as a way of saying we needed to put our problems into perspective. However, I lost my dad years ago too so even though we shared the same kind of pain, her post still angered me. Not only did I think it trivialized the real pain of loneliness, the vulgarity of her post was like a giant up yours to single people in general. I found these words to be incredibly insulting and had to respond in the comments section by saying, “At some point in their lives most people have had a mother on Mother's Day and a father on Father's Day but there are some people who have NEVER had anyone to love on Valentine's Day. This post is like salt on an open wound.”

It was so easy for someone who was happily married for such a long time to be critical of those who still longed for even a fraction of the kind of love she enjoyed. I was ready to call her out on that point and many more. After signing out of Facebook, I braced myself for yet another keyboard war but when I signed back in later on that night, she had not said anything. This was the other reaction I anticipated.

It was easier for her to ignore what I wrote than to admit she might have crossed a line. This “friend” thought it was better to answer with silence than to ask why I thought she was being insensitive. The lack of any response made me wonder why I even had her on my Facebook page in the first place. This same person would sometimes post about the importance of seeing the warning signs of mental illness and depression in those around you. Too bad she didn't take her own advice.

To add further insult to injury, one of her friends responded to my comments by saying she understood what I was going through. Then she talked about how she was unattached on Valentine's Day just like me. If you thought this might have been the start of a romantic relationship, think again. As this woman continued to describe herself, she dug herself deep into a hole she couldn't climb out of. She described herself as being weird. (Ladies, if you think that's a terrible opening line for a guy, then you shouldn't use it either!) Then she talked about her dysfunctional relationship with her parents and then mentioned being divorced with kids. Needless to say, I didn't respond to her comments.

Interactions like these illustrate why I think Facebook has cheapened the art of having meaningful connections with others.  My "friend" might not have intended to be meanspirited but often times people who have never experienced prolonged loneliness and isolation have no clue how insensitive they can be.

Another Valentine's Day Come and Gone

Aside from weddings, baby showers or kids' birthday parties, no other occasion brings more unwanted attention to my singlehood than Valentine's Day.  With so many outward expressions of romantic love to be had, the holiday is made to stir up feelings of loneliness in those of us who are unattached.

When I had my own college radio show several years ago, I'd “celebrate” February 14th by playing songs about breakups and heartache.  It was a lot of fun and going against the grain like that made Valentine's Day bearable.  Without an outlet to mock the holiday and vent my frustrations, Valentine's Day has become as annoying as ever.

This February 14th, I found myself taking my mother to the eye doctor for her routine check up.  Despite Covid restrictions that limited the number of patients that could be seen at one time, the waiting room was packed...with old people.  It was clear to me that the doctors violated their own policies in order to squeeze everyone in.  So instead of maintaining social distancing, I was seated right next to a few old ladies.  One was an immigrant from Israel and she decided to strike up a conversation by asking about the origins of Valentine's Day.  When I told her about it, others joined in the discussion.  Just my luck there were never any women my age to talk to!  After waiting two hours in a cramped corner, the doctor finally saw my mother.  Since I had just come off a third-shift job, I was exhausted.  This was not how I wanted to spend the holiday.

When I started dating a woman from Catholic Match in late 2022, I thought that maybe...just maybe I would finally have a girlfriend by the time February 14th rolled around.  I even briefly imagined how we would spend the day.  A local thrift store had an attractive three pane picture frame for sale so I decided to buy it hoping to place three different photos of her inside of it.  Well, I suspected dating this woman was too good to be true and she dumped me before I could even take three photos of her.  Now the picture frame sits empty on my bedroom floor and with nothing to show, it's symbolic of my many years as a dateless wonder.

When discussing Valentine's Day with one of my married friends, he takes a more intellectual approach by saying that the date of February 14th really means nothing to him or his wife and they tend to focus more on their wedding anniversary as the big day to express romance.  By doing so, he avoids those special Valentine's Day menus at restaurants which tend to be overrated and not worth the extra money.  In fact, he has an acquaintance who celebrates Valentine's Day either the day before or after the 14th just to avoid being price-gouged.  He must have a very understanding wife because many spouses wouldn't appreciate that kind of frugality.

At one time, the holiday was actually called Saint Valentine's Day but as we have seen with Christmas and Easter, capitalism tends to downplay the religious roots of such days to make the pursuit of the almighty dollar easier and more acceptable.  At work, I stumbled across a memo from our regional manager and he described the holiday as an opportunity for record breaking sales adding, “Go Big! Win the day!  All profit here!”  This is the same person who routinely cancels employee raises that our store manager submits for approval.
 
I don't receive the Catholic television station EWTN at home but I recently had the chance to check it out in the waiting room of yet another doctor's office.  A talk show whose name escapes me was discussing how unrealistic people's expectations were for Valentine's Day.  The female host admitted a lot of women have fantastically high expectations for romance and love that few men can live up to.  She cautioned the audience against seeing love through the eyes of Hollywood movies because real relationships had their fair share of ebbs and flows.

I always thought Valentine's Day was a good barometer for a couple in love.  Are you comfortable enough with each other to get a little sappy on one particular day out of the year?  Would your significant other be too demanding of gifts and dinner or would they appreciate your romantic gestures even if they fell a little short?  Are you too jaded to express signs of affection?  The holiday's true meaning might be corrupted but that doesn't mean we have to buy into capitalism's exploitation of it.  Perhaps a quiet dinner at home or at a restaurant that doesn't make a big deal of the holiday.  Maybe get your partner a homemade gift or something nice that didn't break the bank?  Unfortunately, the chance to test these theories slipped by me once again since I spent my 49th year on this earth never knowing what it would be like to have someone to love on Valentine's Day.

Sure, Rub It In

During the intentions at Mass this week, there was a special Valentine's Day prayer for couples who were in love.  I had never heard of such a thing before but it was yet another painful reminder of how singles are excluded from parish life.  This was the same church where I asked why nobody prayed for lonely unattached people like me.

Sitting in the row of pews across from me was a very pregnant young woman and her husband.  (Now that was just throwing salt on an open wound!)  I started to wonder if the guy really knew how lucky he was.  So often, I will see married people who take each other for granted and it seems like the longer people stay together, the more adversarial they are toward each other.  These couples don't give a second thought to something I have desperately longed for.

One of my close friends from high school will celebrate his 20th wedding anniversary in a few days and it has me thinking about all the time I lost by not finding a good woman to marry.  He met his spouse in college and they have so much shared history:  The honeymoon phase, that carefree time when they were a couple without kids, apartment living, renting and then later buying a house, starting a family, new and more successful jobs, moving to a different part of the country, etc.  Throughout all those stages in life, my friend has had someone to offer him comfort and support.  He admitted to me he's a much better man because of her.  I have none of those experiences under my belt.  Do people who dismiss Catholic singles think about these things?

At work, there are a large number of Valentine's Day decorations hanging up.  Everything from candy to cards to stuffed animals.  For couples, these things are cute reminders of the love they share.  For singles like me, they only serve to underscore how much we have missed in our lives.

What Does God Need With A Website?

                                             Source: ChristianMingle.com

The month of February can be quite dreadful for single Catholics like me because of two words: Valentine's Day.  Being reminded how lonely you are is bad enough but the holiday's exaggerated expressions of romantic love is like rubbing salt on a open wound.  

According to the television, what I really need is a website.  Sappy advertisements for ChristianMingle.com have littered the airwaves these past few years and I find them to be incredibly annoying.  The commercials feature some of the happiest couples in all of human history.  They hold hands, embrace, jump for joy and constantly smile whether they are going for a walk, planting a garden, volunteering at a soup kitchen or just lying on the floor.  It's the kind of imagery that's supposed to make hopeless singles yearn for love.  Then come the cheesy tag lines:

"Find the person you were meant to find."

"God has a plan for each of us.  It's a plan that starts with

 you and becomes stronger with the power of two."

"Find God's match for you."

Of course, we hear the offer to join for free but there's no mention of how much a paid membership costs or what limits are placed on free accounts.  There's a lot to dislike about these ads.  Relationships can be very complicated, subtle and even challenging but we only see the overtly good things about falling in love.  The tag lines have such an air of authority, it's like they are implying the results are guaranteed.  What if I join and don't find the person I was meant to find?  What then?  God has a plan for each of us?  What is it?  I've been trying to figure that out for a long time now.  How did ChristianMingle.com get inside information?  Find God's match for you?  What does God need with a website?

My many years without a significant other makes me wonder why God in His infinite power and mercy has never steered a good woman my way.  During college, I spent a lot of time exploring Boston but I never met anyone who would have made a good girlfriend.  Many of my fellow classmates had a big anti-religious streak and commuting on public transportation only led me to encounters with strange people.  The few times I went out to a bar resulted in me sitting by myself trying not to look awkward.  The occasional church function never went anywhere, either.  Just seeing a girl out in public that I'm remotely attracted to has been a rare occurrence.

In all those years of taking the train into Boston and exploring the city's neighborhoods, I couldn't have randomly bumped into a nice woman and struck up a conversation with her?  There were no like-minded classmates in college?  Not once could I catch the eye of a girl at a bar?  Church functions don't attract any single females my age?

Many religious dating websites claim to have the answers.  They say good things are on the horizon but we have to be patient.  Love will come but only when God is good and ready.  They seek to justify a single person's empty years instead of viewing them as a big waste of time filled with lost potential.

Yet another Valentine's Day is going to pass by me without someone to love.  Where have you been, God?  Don't you hear my prayers?  How many more years must I lose?  Is it your plan for me to be so lonely and bitter?  Sometimes it feels like the God who's supposed to know what's in my heart doesn't really know me at all.