Where Is Everybody?

The month of May wound down with a good friend from high school returning to the area for an eight day visit. He talked about doing some fun things like going out to a bar or nightclub, attending a concert, hiking a trail in New Hampshire and treating my mother and me to a nice dinner at a local steakhouse but I knew not to get my hopes up. Experience showed that despite his best intentions, plans often got derailed by the demands of others and I'd be lucky to hang out with him for just a few hours.

While my friend might believe a week off from work should best be spent visiting loved-ones and relaxing, his elderly father views vacation time as a chance to put his son to work fixing longstanding problems around the house usually caused by deferred maintenance. Two days into this year's trip, my friend did drive up to New Hampshire to see some of his relatives but that only caused his dad to grumble, “He wastes time running around when he's supposed to be here for me.” It's pretty astonishing to hear a parent declare so bluntly that he's entitled to all of his son's free time. My friend is stressed enough dealing with a marriage that's on the rocks and a special needs son. Now he has to give up his whole vacation to be a handyman?

Unfortunately, my friend's dad is bad with money and instead of building up an emergency fund to maintain the house, he buys DVDs, collectible coins and other frivolous trinkets. After being forced into an early retirement many years ago, he refused to get a part time job to make ends meet and incurred a lot of credit card debt. Now with each visit, he expects his son to pay for everything and being a good son, my friend reluctantly complies whether it's to replace a 70 year old mattress or a set of worn out tires.

By day five of his vacation, I suggested attending a nearby restaurant's trivia night but after spending much of the day running errands with his dad and son, my friend was too tired. He decided to stay put and grill up some steaks but his dad forgot to buy charcoal briquettes. I grabbed a half empty bag of Kingsford from our basement and dropped it off. We did get together later that night for about two hours but had to put up with his dad's television viewing choices which included terrible episodes of NCIS and NCIS: Origins.

When I returned the next night, my friend and I looked online for something to do because he was eager to get out of the house for a while. Of course, the tavern I suggested which was famous for local music didn't have any performances scheduled. Other restaurants and bars we looked up closed in less than an hour. I mentioned mini golf but there wasn't anything nearby. It was now after 9 PM so we decided to drive to Salem, MA and see what we could find.

Granted, it was a Thursday but for a “happening” city, the streets were pretty quiet. We drove by one bar but the crowd inside was definitely college-aged. Feeling a bit nostalgic, we then traveled to the Salem Willows but the place was dead. There's nothing so inviting than businesses locked up tight with metal shutters. I turned the car around and after driving down Derby Street, we noticed Bit Bar. I explained to my friend that it was a bar featuring many vintage arcade games. The place's concept seemed to have a nerdy cool vibe so we decided to check it out.

I had warned my friend that the bar scene in greater Boston left much to be desired and this place did not disappoint. The handful of patrons skewed too young and their fashions were so casual, I felt overdressed wearing a nice collared shirt. On stage, an overweight couple belted out an annoying karaoke song. One entire room full of arcade games was empty except for a lone guy playing. This was why I just didn't go out all that often. After a very short time, we decided to leave. The hostess told us to have a goodnight and once we were outside, I joked to my friend, “Thank you. I won't.”

Despite all the talk of how trendy some suburbs of Boston are, most of them are overrated. I told my friend about a YouTube video where a single woman decided to patronize different restaurants in my hometown each night of the week. She mostly wound up talking to couples and didn't meet anyone she wanted to date. That sounded about right.

We then walked around the city hoping to find something to do but all we encountered were empty streets. I told him it reminded me of The Twilight Zone episode Where Is Everybody? We eventually walked back to the car feeling defeated. I complained about how people in this part of the country lauded diversity but it was a failure of diversity when you couldn't find anyone else with similar sensibilities and tastes. My friend wasn't too keen to return to his dad's house so we closed out the night by aimlessly driving around the winding streets of Marblehead. I loved catching up with him but the scene outside the car was yet another portrait of isolation.

The next day, my friend planned to visit Cape Cod with his dad and son to make good on a 2017 trip that had been thwarted by a blowout on the highway due to the junky condition of his dad's car. I had been a passenger back then because my mother encouraged me to go but this time around, her growing health problems prevented me from tagging along.

On the morning of his last day here, we all went to breakfast and my mother and I treated everyone. Then my friend scrambled to finish a few projects for his dad before leaving for the airport. I was even drafted to finish up a few of these tasks which included dropping off a package that had been accidentally delivered to the house back in December. The dad's social anxiety prevented him from driving to the correct address to drop it off.

As expected, it was another vacation filled with lofty plans that gave way to a parent's demands and the one night I really needed to find something fun to do only led to dead ends and empty streets.

The Wheat From The Chaff

In these times of increased isolation, having strong connections with the people in my life has become very important. Unfortunately, the pandemic has separated the wheat from the chaff as far as my friends and acquaintances are concerned.

During the Covid-19 lock downs of 2020, having in-person get-togethers became difficult to impossible but this was completely understandable given some of the situations people faced. One friend couldn't leave his mother's apartment at all because it was located in an old age complex and he was living with her illegally. Another friend cut back on all social interactions because her long-time boyfriend had immunity issues.

You'd think with the prevalence of social media and smart phones, maintaining friendships would be fairly easy but some of the people in my life have simply disappeared without a trace. Others chime in only sporadically and it has me questioning how strong our bonds were in the first place.

The Wheat: often use social media to keep in touch with others which keeps those strong connections intact.

The Chaff: often use social media to post trivial or inflammatory content but they can't be bothered sending the simplest of personal messages.

One of my friends is an extremely busy freelancer but she still finds time to send the occasional e-mail or Facebook post every now and then and she always responds to any message I send even if it takes her several days to get back to me.

Unfortunately, far too many of my other friends think sending no response to the messages they receive is perfectly acceptable. Before the pandemic, one particular acquaintance would sometimes invite me to hang out with him at a few of the bars in his neighborhood. During these cordial visits we talked about our hopes, fears and defeats without judgment and we both enjoyed each other's company. A few months into the Covid lock downs, I decided to send him a quick message on Facebook just to let him know he was in my thoughts and that I hoped he was okay. There was nothing but silence. This really bothered me so after a while I sent along a few cricket emojis. Still no response even though the small chat icon indicated that he read my messages. It makes me wonder how hard sending a thumbs up emoji, a “Thanks”, or a “Too busy to talk now” response really is? Two years later, he randomly sent me a video on old trains in Europe. Sad to say, I've had better conversations with internet trolls than I've had with some of my friends.

The Wheat: also pick up the phone and call every now and then. One good friend who lives on the other side of the country talks to me almost every week during his ride home from work.  Our conversations can be very deep at times but they're usually filled with a lot of humor.

The Chaff: are difficult to get a hold of. I'll usually get their voice mail and after I leave a message, they never seem to get back to me. There's also a good chance that automated female voice will say, “The mailbox is full...goodbye.”

The Wheat: make what you have to say a priority.  Our conversations are warm and friendly and I often feel energized when we get off the phone.

The Chaff: are always distracted. Sometimes they're watching a movie or TV show and won't pause it. Worse still is when another person is in the background and they're trying to have two conversions at the same time. If I'm lucky enough to call them when they aren't busy, their smart phone's connection might be terrible or the signal drops...several times. I usually get a busy signal when I call them back because they haven't realized we've been disconnected. Or, the phone they are using has a low battery and they have to cut the conversation short.

As we entered 2021 and some restrictions were loosened, getting together with people no longer seemed like an impossibility and I was hoping to meet up with some of my friends and acquaintances in the real word.

The Wheat: make every effort to plan in-person get-togethers even if it takes a while to pin down a date. My freelancer friend was so busy with projects and deadlines, she just couldn't find the time to hang out with me one-on-one. However, she kept me apprised of some of the interesting art exhibits in her neighborhood and we agreed to see each other there even if it was only for a quick visit.

The Chaff: ignore invitations to hang out even if I add an extra incentive like offering to treat them to dinner. They seldom initiate meet ups and after a while, the one-sided nature of the relationship is revealed because I seem to be doing all the work to maintain the friendship.

Interestingly enough, very few of my friends have access to an automobile so when we try to get together, transportation becomes an issue.

The Wheat: appreciate the fact that I've driven many miles just to see them. When my freelancer friend finally suggested getting together one-on-one for the first time in two years, she told me that some of her friends had asked if they could tag along to the art gallery we planned to visit.  She shot that idea down because she didn't want me to feel like the odd man out. I thought it was very considerate of her and we went on to have a wonderful time just catching up without any interruptions or the need to explain our personal jokes to people I didn't know.

The Chaff: use me for my transportation. After planning to go out to breakfast with one friend, he conveniently asked if I could also drive him to work so he wouldn't have to take the bus. In December of 2021, he insisted we meet up a few towns over so he could give me a Christmas present. I was so tired from work I asked if we could postpone it. He wouldn't take no for an answer so I gave in, drove out to see him and then wound up taking him back to his house despite my lack of sleep. Turns out, he had been delivering presents to his friends that day and simply wanted to get it over with.  In the past, this same friend has also invited his friends to hang out with us even though he knows I don't get along with them.

The Wheat: respect your boundaries.

The Chaff: cross them.

People often complain that the pandemic has significantly increased their feelings of loneliness and anxiety. It's gotten so bad, some moms have organized group screaming sessions to alleviate their tensions. These uncertain times have certainly made me reevaluate my relationships with others and right now I'd say there are only two people in my life who are really good friends. While others drag me down and drain me of my energy, they make me feel free in a climate of mutual respect. If all we have in this world is each other then I wonder why so many friends and acquaintances just aren't there anymore.

The Misery of Birthdays

For older single Catholics seeking marriage, birthdays can be a cruel reminder that your calling remains unfulfilled.  This year, some of the ongoing struggles in my life created a perfect storm of misery on what should have been a special day.

Recently, my parish hosted a question and answer session with one of the Boston Archdiocese's regional bishops.  I brought up many difficult subjects like the mishandling of the priest sex abuse scandal and the plight of single Catholics who aged out of those young adult ministries.  I told him the Church abandoned people like me and the isolation we had to endure was insufferable.  The meeting left me feeling so empty, my mind was in a fog for the next few days.

At the time, an old friend was visiting the area but our plans for the week got derailed.  As mentioned in the previous blog entry, our trip to Cape Cod was cut short by a flat tire that left us stranded in Boston.  A few rainy days later in the week ruined other plans we had made.  My friend's vacation ended during the early morning hours of my birthday so instead of sleeping in, I wound up driving him to the airport at 3 AM.

Missing out on a full night's sleep left me tired and a bit on edge.  As usual, only a handful of Facebook friends posted birthday greetings so I decided to write on my wall, “Does anyone want to help me salvage my birthday by getting together and doing something fun?”  I hoped against hope someone would come through for me.  An acquaintance tried being funny by suggesting we go to a strip club but his comment only angered me.  My desperate plea was like an unseen rescue flare launched in the middle of a vast ocean.  I wondered why friends seemed to disappear right when I really needed them.

Earlier in the week, my mother planned to cook a favorite birthday meal but all this changed when my brother called a few days later.  Now we were going to celebrate at a restaurant halfway down the highway from his house.  No one even asked me if this was alright and to top it all off, the restaurant they chose was popular with old people.  Ugh!  My brother and his wife tended to look down on me because they had a house, children and successful careers while I opted to be a caregiver for my elderly parents.  Still, I decided not to complain.  At least this gave me somewhere to go on my birthday.

Just before we headed out to the restaurant, my brother called to say he was going to be over an hour late.  As it turned out, he and his family were furniture shopping.  How nice of my brother to squeeze celebrating my birthday into his otherwise busy schedule!  Suddenly, the anger that had been simmering now boiled over.  I was so upset, we decided to cancel and stay home.  It was typical of my brother to leave us in the lurch like that because he assumed lonely old me wouldn't have other plans later on.  Like some self-fulfilling prophecy, I wound up spending the rest of the night in my bedroom.  Sadly, no one else responded to my Facebook post.

As the years pass, the weight of my loneliness only seems to be getting heavier.  You'd think the Church would be a source of comfort but it's not.  Singles like me hear, “The only friend you need is God.” or “There is no reason to be sad in life because Jesus died for our sins.”  One pastor talked about how important it was to defend the faith even if it meant losing friendships or a good job.  Funny how he wasn't there for the parishioners who followed his advice and were now unemployed social outcasts.

The response from secular society is even worse with people making jokes or refusing to believe someone could feel so depressed.  Instead of compassion, I get admonished for being a Gloomy Gus.  They just assume I'm blowing things out of proportion and that I'll be okay.

I'm ashamed my anger got the best of me on my birthday because such behavior isn't very Christ-like.  Would arriving an hour late to a restaurant have mattered in the grand scheme of things?  Probably not but lashing out was a symptom of a much greater problem.  There's so much I still want out of life but at this point, I no longer know how to get there.

The Trouble With Birthdays

Since there's only one “you” in this vast universe, birthdays should be joyous celebrations of life where your uniqueness is cherished by loved ones.  For black sheep, this special day can be problematic.

As a kid, birthdays were humble but nice.  The family would gather after dinner to unveil a beautifully decorated cake and then I would open presents, which was always exciting.  In the last years of elementary school, having friends celebrate with me became important so my family organized a few small parties which were wonderful.

As I got older, the desire to go out and do something fun with my peers was strong but birthdays were gradually becoming something of an afterthought.  A few friends couldn't remember the exact day while others forgot altogether.  (Some of them wouldn't hesitate to remind me about their birthdays, though.)

When friends did rise to the occasion, our time together didn't exactly fulfill my expectations.  One year, a buddy called me at the last minute but it was so late, we spent the night driving around empty streets with nowhere to go.  I enjoyed the company but it also underscored my sense of isolation.

Of course, if a friend has kids, it means the little ones tag along too and sometimes they bring their grandfather.  If birthdays are the one time of the year when it's alright to be the center of attention, this can significantly cramp your style.


I really dislike Boston cream pie.  When a friend insisted I drive out to see him, he unveiled the dreaded dessert as my birthday cake.  Why?  Because it was HIS favorite flavor.  Boston cream pie reappeared a few years later when my parents were forced to buy one because the local market had run out of other cakes.  I appreciated the thought but removed the cream layer from my slice.

The dreaded Boston cream pie

One of my birthdays was spent attending an uncle's funeral.  The next year, relatives invited us to a memorial dinner for him.  I got my hopes up when they brought out a birthday cake but it was for a cousin who had a birthday a few days later.

Eventually celebrating with my parents became the routine as friends moved away.  One year we got dressed up to go to a fancy restaurant but before I finished reading the menu, my brother got into an argument with my dad which spoiled the mood.  Sometimes we just stayed home and my mom would cook a favorite meal.  I still longed for that night out with a close circle of friends, however.

While my parents usually got me a thoughtful card with some money inside, others felt they had to buy a present no matter how odd it was.  For some reason, my cousin felt I would enjoy a ceramic bear figurine sitting inside a tea cup with the words "Happy Birthday To You!" emblazoned on the side.  Gifts like that make me wonder if people really know me at all.  Of course, nothing creates doubt more than when a friend doesn't reciprocate after giving them a gift for their special day.

Back when you actually had to remember the date of someone's birthday, a few of my friends would exchange personal birthday wishes via e-mail.  This ended with the advent of Facebook.  Now wishing someone a happy birthday was as simple as typing out two words yet most of my Facebook friends couldn't even do that.  This year hit a new low.  After some deliberation, I deleted a good chunk of them and unfollowed a few more.  Some were only acquaintances but others had been close to me at one time.

Social media often cheapens friendships.  The day before my birthday, I put out the call on Facebook for someone to keep me company.  Two friends who lived far away expressed their regrets but everyone else said nothing.  I guess they were too busy posting the latest meme or sharing yet another political article.  As wired as society is nowadays, we seem to be more disconnected than ever.  Only a couple of friends pick up the phone to call with birthday greetings anymore.

While cleaning out the attic many years ago, I found an old children's book called Sloth's Birthday Party.  When the main character feels forgotten and alone just before his birthday, all of his friends pitch in to help him celebrate in a very meaningful way.  The story strikes a chord with me because it represents an ideal that's been very elusive.

For this black sheep, birthdays are starting to feel like just another day.  Presents aren't that important when compared to the gift of warm and caring relationships.  Yet, if it wasn't for my mother putting together a small celebration, I'd probably be alone for the entire day.  

People should never take each other for granted but sometimes they do and birthdays tend to magnify this fact.