The Bittersweet Autumn

 Living in New England makes you keenly aware of how the different seasons play upon your mood.  To some, winter is a time for skiing and cozy nights by the fire but for others it brings a bone-chilling cold and the misery of shoveling dirty snow.  Summer can mean lazy days at the beach and delicious lobster rolls but also oppressive humidity, sunburns and sheltering in air conditioned rooms.  Many New Englanders have a love / hate relationship with the seasons and they aren't shy when it comes to complaining about it.  Winter lasts far too long, spring is filled with rain and by the time summer arrives, there's only a few months to enjoy it.

Hot apple cider.  Yum.

Autumn is one of my favorite times of the year but it too is short-lived especially if you consider Halloween its own season.  In addition to the brightly colored foliage on trees, I love the wonderful palate found in fall fashions.  It's cold enough to keep the biting and stinging insects of summer away yet warm enough to wear that lightweight jacket with a nice sweater.  A few mild days usually pop up which allows for a stylish layered look without all the bulky winter clothes.  There are delicious seasonal foods like warm apple cider donuts and pumpkin pie as well as Thanksgiving dinner.  A walk in the forest might reveal the distinctive smell of a wood-burning stove.  Then there are the spicy scents of candles and potpourri.

Despite all the wonderful things the season has to offer, there is a downside.  The days get much shorter bringing long shadows and harsh sunlight by late afternoon.  Early darkness means you simply can't do as much outside.  Fall reminds us winter is just around the corner with ice-cold breezes and a frost that kills summer flowers.  (Sometimes it even snows in October!)  The season can bring its fair share of regret when you realize the year is almost over.

Russell Orchards seen during an autumn afternoon.

Of course, for this lost sheep, none of what autumn has to offer can be experienced without the taint of loneliness.  One rite of the season is a trip to Russell Orchards in the town of Ipswich, MA.  From a quaint barn complete with fireplace, they sell all kinds of wonderful pies, ciders, and wines in addition to their signature apple cider donuts.  The place embodies autumn in New England but it also fills me with a yearning.  How I long to sip hot apple cider by the toasty fire with a girlfriend but thoughts of all those lost years spent without a significant other inevitably sink in.  I have been going to Russell Orchards for a long time...even when it was called Goodale Orchards.

An empty rail trail with low shadows.

An autumn bicycle ride on the local rail trail can be nice but it also brings feelings of extreme isolation when I traverse the lightly traveled stretches.  With no other souls around, the quiet makes you feel like the last person left on earth.  If I had a girlfriend, a ride on the trail wouldn't be so lonely.

This Thanksgiving, I celebrated the holiday with only my mother.  We had a peaceful dinner and the food was tasty but I couldn't stop thinking about how alone she would be if I had not been there.  Since my dad passed away, Thanksgivings have a tinge of sadness to them and that empty seat at the dinning room table is a constant reminder of our loss.  If I had a wife and kids, the holiday would be much more festive instead of feeling like two people desperately trying to make the best of a bad situation.

During the season, I sometimes think of the song Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward.  Lyrics like “The winter winds will be much colder now you're not here” highlight how miserable fall can be without that special someone to share it with.  A few people in the Church like to say singleness is a gift.  They claim our lives can be just as happy and fulfilled as married people.  I beg to differ.  When you feel deep down that you were meant to share your life with another and bring new life into the world then singleness can feel like a curse.  I've had my fair share of lonely autumns and I'm pretty tired of it.