Easy For Them To Say

This fall, I attended a church function that attracted several priests as well as the new vicar for the north region of Massachusetts.  Most of the guests had not arrived yet but a priest I never met before started chatting with me.  His name was Fr. John MacInnis, pastor of Saint John the Baptist Church in Peabody, MA.  He told me a little about his parish then I decided to ask if his church had many young people.  (How could I have this blog and not ask that!)  He said there weren't many but his parish was starting to reach out to some of the young families who came to Mass.  I asked, “What about the young adults like me who are still single?”  Fr. John didn't have much of an answer for me.  I mentioned how the last couple of parishes that I belonged to didn't have anything for single young adults either adding, “I'm not even a young adult anymore.  I'm 43.”  He said 40 was still young and then assured me there was still time to have a family.  I didn't share that optimistic outlook and his comment reminded me of a conversation with another priest that took place a few years ago.

St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly, MA entered into the Boston Archdiocese's collaborative plan in June of 2013 and our new pastor at the time, Fr. Mark Mahoney held a “town meeting” with parishioners a few months later.  I approached him after the gathering to discuss my concerns about the plight of young adult singles.  I mentioned my calling to be married and never having the desire to be a priest.  I asked why no one at Mass ever openly prayed for single Catholics and then let him know that at 40 years of age, I felt the time to have a family was quickly slipping away.

Fr. Mark started off by saying he felt the sacrament of marriage was just as important as the priesthood because the bride and groom sacrificed for each other in a way that was very Christ-like.  He explained the Archdiocese instructed parishes to pray for priestly vocations at Mass.  Then he tried to reassure me by saying people were getting married much later these days so being single in your 40s isn't out of the ordinary now.  Fr. Mark suggested St. Mary's could initiate a day of service for the young adults of the parish but as the months passed, nothing ever came of it.

What struck me about both conversations was the lack of urgency.  I was basically told not to worry because 40 is the new 20.  It was painfully obvious these priests could understand what single Catholics had to endure on an intellectual level but they didn't seem to fully appreciate the real weight of our struggles.  40 is 40.

Had I fallen in love, married and raised a family even ten years ago, think of all the memories and experiences I'd have.  Instead there's a decade filled with loneliness, isolation and anxiety.  My dad passed away in 2012 and never lived to see any grandchildren from me and that hurts.  With ten years behind me, I am no closer to being married and now I wonder if my mother will be around to see my grandchildren.  Having a family later in life means higher health risks and lower energy levels.  Do priests think about these things when they so easily dispense such glib advice?

If you check out some of the various Catholic dating websites and chat rooms, you'll see a lot of desperation out there.  So many singles feel the clock is running out on their dreams of falling in love, getting married and having kids...and for many women, it's a biological clock.  Some may ask why the Church should be responsible for getting us a date.  Well, in many ways it's because of the Church that we don't have dates.

People like me are causalities of the culture war but many priests don't even want to admit we exist let alone help us.  Society has become more liberal and secular over the last few decades and when you embrace Catholic values, it seriously limits the dating pool.  If the goal of New Evangelization is to renew our congregations and place more butts in the pews, then priests should make helping Catholic singles a top priority instead of brushing our heartfelt concerns aside.