The Mathematics Of "What If"

The older I get, the more my mind plays a numbers game.  I'm not sure when it started exactly but as I dwell on an uncertain future, all kinds of calculations begin swirling around in my head.

I turned 44 recently.  What if by some small miracle I started dating a good Catholic woman tomorrow?  How long would our courtship last before I knew she was the one?  Younger couples have the luxury of time.  They can spend several years romancing each other before they decide to get married.  For older singles like me, it feels like we're under the gun especially if we want to have kids and raise a family.

What if we dated for a few years but then realized we weren't meant to be together?  That would mean more time wasted.  I've known some friends for a few decades but just when I think I have them figured out, sometimes they will do things that are really inconsiderate.  If these relationships cause me so much grief, how am I supposed to truly know a spouse that I've dated for a relatively short period of time?

I wonder if the Sacrament of Marriage so late in life is more like a work in progress where you blindly hope for the best.  What if something really annoying about a spouse comes to the surface after the fact?  When my parents got married in 1969, my mother had been thought of as an old maid because she was in her mid-thirties.  At the time, my dad was 40.  Here I am at 44 and still single with no eligible Catholic women in sight.  I'm not supposed to be anxious about the future?

While my parents had a good marriage, their personalities often clashed and I saw my fair share of arguments.  Did they truly know each other or did the value they placed on the Sacrament of Marriage help keep them together?  I'd like to marry someone who was a great friend.  Staying married because it's your duty seems like a weak foundation.  Plenty of couples just go through the motions and put up with each other.  That's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for.

What if I got married tomorrow?  How old would I be when my kids turned twenty?  64.  Will I have the energy to deal with twenty-year-olds at that age?  From what I've observed, children put a huge strain on a marriage.  One of my married friends deeply desires more romance but his wife is so tired as a stay-at-home mom, she has little interest.  My cousin once joked, “When you think you've had all the sex, sleep and peace and quiet you can handle, that's when you should have kids because it all goes away after that.”  How encouraging!  For younger couples, there's time to experience years of intimacy before the demands of having children take center stage.  Should older couples who get married and have kids right away kiss romance goodbye after only a few months?

The calculations swirling around in my mind aren't just limited to the future.  Sometimes, I'm haunted by the lost potential of years gone by.  What if instead of college and then years of struggling to find my way in the world, I had gotten a job as a bus driver with the local transit authority?  As unglamourous as that sounds, I'd already be retired with a full pension and health benefits.  In the 1990s, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority offered generous salaries with plenty of overtime and only required 23 years of service before retirement.  This would certainly make me more attractive to members of the opposite sex who often demand “successful” men as potential suitors.

What if the Church had actually done more for young adults seeking marriage when I was in my 20s or early 30s?  How different would my life be today?  What if I had found a good Catholic woman to marry during my college years?  Our kids would be in their twenties right now.  What if I had gotten married even ten years ago?  I certainly wouldn't be this worried about “God's plan” but being so far removed from your calling can cause a great deal of anxiety

Fear and doubt like to creep in during the wee hours of the night and it's been many years since I've had a full 8 hours of sleep.  Wondering why my bed is so empty has me tossing and turning...and longing.  What if I had a spouse to hold right next to me?  I think it's safe to say all those wasted years wondering “what if” would be replaced by something much more fulfilling.