Broken Marriages and Poisoned Minds

Even though a good friend from my high school days has lived in a different part of the country for a few decades now, he still calls me on a regular basis to chat. He's been married to the same woman for nearly 30 years and has two kids who are now college-aged. My friend says he loves his wife to this day and tells me she's the one person he never gets tired of being around.

Despite all of this, a perennial topic of conversation during our phone calls is the disharmony that's plagued his marriage. His wife can be very overbearing especially when it comes to sweating the small stuff in life. My friend feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time because there's no telling what little thing might set her off. He feels totally unappreciated as a provider and once confessed to me, “If my wife gave me 100 tasks to do around the house and I completed 99 of them, she'd pick me apart for the one thing I didn't finish.” There is a scientific reason for this called the Zeigarnik Effect. People better remember tasks that are interrupted or unfinished.

Adding to her displeasure is the fact that after he's finished working long hours in a very stressful job, he doesn't always have the time or energy to do the tasks she wants done like dusting or emptying the dishwasher. Instead of sympathizing, his wife berates him and sometimes throws a temper tantrum. My guess is she considers his failure to help out to be a personal slight against her because she feels so overwhelmed. For years his wife argued, “I have the more stressful job of raising the kids!” Even though their children are now grown, she still uses this as an excuse.

My friend's career provided a roof over her head and allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom for many years. Their mortgage was also paid off before he turned 50. I'd say they have a lot to be thankful for but she insists he does “nothing” around the house. My friend tried defending himself by listing all the things he's done for the household over the years but she doesn't use logic to argue. If she simply “feels” a certain way, then it becomes the Gospel truth. As a result, he has stopped defending himself when they fight because he knows he'll never win. Men usually clam up and bury their feelings when they think their vulnerability will be mocked and used against them.

My friend tells me past marriage counseling sessions weren't helpful because his wife blamed him for everything while she refused to own up to her faults. Adding fuel to this fire in recent years is social media. Since his wife has trouble making friends and doesn't like going out, she spends a lot of time on the internet and is drawn to TikTok videos where modern women discuss what a marriage should be. Instead of promoting traditional Christian values, these virtual reality personalities will set unrealistic expectations for husbands and then criticize them for not achieving such lofty goals. My friend's wife internalizes these artificial wants and needs that didn't exist two minutes before she watched these videos. Of course she's not happy living in a slightly cluttered ranch house when some social media influencer is telling her she should be living in a mansion that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

These influencers, who usually have no degree in psychology will also urge women to preform subtle tests on their husbands. If the men fail, the wives are told they are in a bad marriage. The reality is, guys usually don't do well with subtlety. Perhaps the BEST way to talk to a husband about something is to actually talk to him about it...openly and honestly without the threat of reprisals.

Sadly, a death in their family caused my friend's wife to become increasingly withdrawn and despite his efforts to support her, she moved out of the house and is now living with her mother. I try to avoid the “S” word (separated) during our phone calls because he's not sure what her departure means for their marriage. Neither of them want a divorce but this latest turn of event is causing more resentment. My friend rants, “I wish I could withdraw from the world when I'm depressed but I have to go to work everyday and make sure all the bills are paid!”

My friend and his wife got married in the Church and had their kids confirmed but this was done just to impress their relatives. In actuality, they both have disdain for organized religion. While there are plenty of bad Christian marriages, I do wonder if this lack of faith made for a weak foundation. My friend has often criticized me for holding onto the Church's traditional values because he felt living together before marriage was how he really got to know his future spouse. I recently reminded him of this theory and pointed out, “You never accounted for your wife changing over the years.” Perhaps those studies about the dangers of premarital co-habitation have some credence?

One thing is for sure, social media hasn't helped my friend's marriage one bit. Instead of teaching humility, empathy, and gratitude, his wife is being filled with anxiety by watching videos from content creators who are hell-bent on sowing discord among the sexes.

(More on that topic in the next entry.)

An Unseen Failure

One byproduct of the priesthood shortage that I've noticed is an increase in the number of priests who speak with a foreign accent.  As some churches struggle to find enough men of the cloth to say Mass, priests from other counties have visited my parishes to lend a helping hand.  At times, their exotic accents are so thick, it's difficult to understand what they are saying.  I admit to checking out mentally during more than a few broken English sermons.

I've seen visiting foreign priests from many different countries over the years but the vast majority of them seem to come from India.  At times their mispronunciations almost make me laugh.  One Indian priest encouraged us to “say the grocery.”  (say the rosary)  On the altar, he held up the “brad and wine” (bread and wine) as we celebrated the “epi-funny.”  (Epiphany)  He also talked about the time he walked to a nearby symmetry.  (cemetery)  Another visiting Indian priest didn't quite understand all of our phrases and expressions and during the Christmas season he mentioned how the “three intelligent men” followed the star to Bethlehem.  (three wise men)           

Their sermons have also touched upon topics many of my American priests tend to shy away from like the abject poverty of third world countries, the struggles of spreading the Gospel in remote villages where even a simple bicycle can make all the difference and conflicts with other religions...namely Islam.  During one Easter Mass with little kids in the pews who probably had colorful thoughts of the Easter bunny in their minds, a visiting Indian priest told us about Christian hostages who were beheaded by ISIS in 2015 because they would not deny Jesus.  I found the sermon to be very inappropriate and quite depressing.  Not everyone is inspired by graphic tales of martyrdom.
 
In another sermon, one of these priests told us about a Catholic woman he knew from India who was going to marry a Muslim man.  They had fallen in love but he refused to convert to Christianity.  Instead, he insisted she embrace Islam and give up her religion.  After a period of soul searching, the woman agreed to his terms and just before she was to abandon her Catholic faith, she sought out our priest to discuss the matter.  After hearing her story he got down on his knees and begged her forgiveness.  He then apologized for failing her.
 
Our priest explained that this woman had been educated in a Catholic school, went to church all her life, was intelligent, and a successful doctor yet she was willing to give up her religion for love.  Had her fellow Catholics done a better job raising her in a community of faith, then maybe she would not have been willing to abandon her beliefs so easily.  As a single person, I saw a very different side to this failure.

My priest and the Catholic institutions that educated this woman did fail...but they failed to give her options for finding a good Catholic husband and THAT is what drove her into the arms of a Muslim man.  Perhaps if they had done more to bring Catholic singles together for the purposes of dating and marriage then maybe my priest wouldn't be asking this woman for her forgiveness. 

Most people want to experience romantic love.  Most people want to have a healthy outlet for their sexual desires.  These are not trivial things and if we can't obtain what we are looking for in life, sometimes misery sets in.  Sometimes we are willing to compromise our beliefs and settle for less.  Sometimes we even overlook obvious red flags.  Why?  Because falling in love is extremely important and it's about time our religious leaders recognize this.
 
I can't tell you how many priests just don't get it.  They say things like, “The only relationship you need is with Jesus.” or “Happiness is a choice and marriage won't automatically make you happy.”  But these statements really fail to understand the depth of a single person's needs.  It's not selfish to seek out love or to desire all the things (good and bad) that love brings but far too often, Catholic singles like me are made to feel this way.
 
A while ago, one of these visiting Indian priests told us in a sermon that he was 15 years old when he felt the call to the priesthood.  My mother wondered how someone with that kind of perspective could truly understand the average male.  At 15, my hormones were raging and I certainly wasn't thinking about the priesthood.  There's nothing wrong with that.  It just means I wasn't meant for the Sacrament of Holy Orders.

After Mass, I wanted to share my thoughts about this woman's decision to give up her faith but the priest was so busy greeting and blessing the departing crowd, I decided not to wait around.  Unfortunately, he did not return to our parish the next week or the week after that so as the relevance of his sermon faded, I lost my chance to revisit this subject...not that it would have made a difference.

My Problem is the Church's Problem Too

When I told a few fellow Catholics about my letter to Cardinal Sean O'Malley, someone asked why my inability to find a date was his problem in the first place.  The answer was quite simple.  The future health of the Catholic faith was at stake because when men and women who actually embrace the Church's teachings can no longer find spouses then it's a sign that something is very wrong with our society.

A few days after I said this, a story aired on Boston's Fox 25 News that highlighted an increasing trend among young couples: more and more of them are living together and bypassing marriage altogether. (https://www.boston25news.com/news/first-time-more-couples-have-lived-together-than-have-been-married/J73PNOD6ZRANNIMHN45TRSRWWQ/)  One couple interviewed had three kids out of wedlock and felt nothing was wrong with it.  What key factor helped contribute to the decline of marriage?  Religion was becoming less important in people's lives.  The story then claimed three fourths of Catholics no longer believed anything was wrong with cohabitation.  When behaviors that were once considered taboo are normalized, then those who accept the Church's teachings on sex and marriage become the marginalized.  That's why it's imperative the Catholic Church provide a haven for those still seeking the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

We are told good shepherds give their flock comfort.  They know the problems of their congregations and try to help.  Yet in all my years of being a Catholic, I have seen priests give great care and comfort to just about every kind of parishioner EXCEPT singles seeking marriage.  For some reason, our concerns rank lower than Aunt Mable's difficulty trying to bake her great grandmother's recipe for pecan pie and little Suzy's first adult tooth coming in.  There's always been some excuse for not helping us and now that fears of the Covid-19 virus have gripped society, the concerns of Catholic singles continue to be pushed further and further away from the minds of our shepherds. 

Dismissing that shy Catholic single who asks for help may not hurt a parish in the short term but it will have lasting damaging consequences for the Church in the long term.  When immoral behavior is seemingly rewarded, you will see more couples shack up.  You will see more broken families.  You will see more spiritually laziness.  When embracing the teachings of the Church only brings misery, isolation and loneliness you will see more young people turn their backs on the faith.  You will see more churches close.  You will see more parishes wither away.  You will see the New Evangelization fail.   If this doesn't motivate our shepherds to help Catholic singles, then it's likely nothing will shake them out of their lethargy.

During my discussion of this topic, a fellow Catholic who sympathized with my argument passed along a 2014 article from Crisis Magazine written by Anthony Esolen entitled “Who Will Rescue the Lost Sheep of the Lonely Revolution?”  Many parts of his column really hit home with me and I will close out this blog entry by posting those relevant excerpts here:

“Let me speak up for the young people who see the beauty of the moral law and the teachings of the Church, and who are blessed with noble aspirations, but who are given no help, none, from their listless parents, their listless churches, their crude and cynical classmates, their corrupted schools. These youths and maidens in a healthier time would be youths and maidens indeed, and when they married they would become the heart of any parish.”

“Let me speak up for the young people who do in fact follow the moral law and the teachings of the Church. Many of these are suffering intense loneliness. Have you bothered to notice? Have you considered all those young people who want to be married, who should be married, but who, because they will not play evil’s game, can find no one to marry? The girls who at age twenty-five and older have never even been asked on a date? The “men” languishing in a drawn-out adolescence? These people are among us; they are everywhere. Who gives them a passing thought? They are suffering for their faith, and no one cares. Do you care, leaders of my Church?” 

“What help do you give them? Do you not rather at every step exacerbate their suffering, when by your silence and your telling deeds you confirm in them the terrible fear that they have been played for chumps, that their own leaders do not believe, that they would have been happier in this world had they gone along with the world, and that their leaders would have smiled upon them had they done so?”

“Who speaks for the penitent, trying to place his confidence in a Church that cuts his heart right out, because she seems to take his sins less seriously than he does? Venturing forth into the margins, my leaders? You have not placed one toe outside of the plush rugs of your comfort. Do so, I beg you! Come and see all those whom the Lonely Revolution has hurt. Leave your parlors and come to the sheepfold!”

But Who Will Save Us?

A very thought-provoking blog called A Shepherd's Post is written by one of my former pastors at St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly, Fr. David Barnes.  In a recent entry entitled Marriage Will Save the World, he notes how vicious and divisive people's words are in online articles especially when fellow Catholics comment on the current state of the Church.

Then he goes on to discuss the beauty found in the sacrament of marriage, first from the perspective of a young couple's recent wedding.  The vows they spoke were simple but pure and noble words.  Next, he mentions offering Mass for a couple's 25th anniversary.  The beauty of the readings was reflected in the life this husband and wife had built for each other over the years.  “The world needs to see families like that; men and women who give over their whole life to the raising of their children.  More than ever, the world needs to see what true communion looks like,” he declares.

Fr. Barnes then laments society's deformed view of marriage and how it has become more about “self-fulfillment” rather than laying down one's life for each other and for the children of that union.  He observes how many couples nowadays delay marriage or don't ever get married because of this.  My former pastor concludes his blog entry by writing, “Today in the midst of so much division, I think that marriage is the key to healing a world broken and devastated by division.  Communion is attractive and pure.  We need witnesses of communion.  We need men and woman to live marriage.”

As a single who has been called to marriage for a long time now, I see within Fr. Barnes' blog entry a certain disconnect that plagues our Church.  If holy matrimony is held up as such a beautiful union, then why isn't more being done to assist the men and women who desire it?

If we could only figure out Phase 2.

This disconnect reminds me of an episode of South Park where gnomes sneak into people's bedrooms at night to steal underpants right out of dresser drawers.  The main characters decide to follow these gnomes back to their lair and confront them.  As it turns out, the gnomes are stealing underpants because it's part of a grand plan to make money.  While pointing to a chart, one of the gnomes explains, “Phase one: collect underpants.  Phase two: ?  Phase three: profit.”

It's an absurd way of showing how a hoped for result isn't actually achieved when you do very little to get there.  We see this same logic play out in Fr. Barnes' blog entry.  Phase one: Marriage is a great thing.  Phase two: ?  Phase three: The world is saved through marriage.

During his tenure as pastor of St. Mary's, I can't recall Fr. Barnes doing anything to encourage singles to fulfill their calling to the sacrament of holy matrimony.  In fact, the parish felt like a very discouraging place.  Couples who were lucky enough to find each other were celebrated while lonely singles like me tended to be ignored probably because our narratives weren't so edifying.

Despite the sharp decreases in marriage over the last few decades, there are men and women who still desire the bonds of holy matrimony.  We want to remain true to our spouses for the rest of our lives.  We want to have children and make sure they are raised within the Catholic faith.  Yet our Church is doing very little to help struggling singles get there.  Marriage will save the world but who will save us?

Doing The Devil's Work

 Sometimes the little moments remind me what's missing in my life.  While spending time entertaining my nieces at a family gathering, one relative said it was too bad I wasn't married because she thought I would make a good dad.  A few years ago, I was having dinner over a friend's house and his wife started looking at me with adoring eyes.  I asked what the matter was and she replied, “You’re so charming.  I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.”  During a trip to the grocery store, I spotted the image of a cute baby eating spaghetti on the packaging of paper towels and lamented the family I didn't have yet.  While dropping my uncle off at the airport recently, a young couple standing nearby shared a passionate embrace.  I said to myself, “I want THAT!”  Unfortunately, the Church is too busy promoting priestly vocations to help singles like me find what we're desperately looking for.

You know life is pathetic when paper towel packaging makes you sad.

The pastor at my former parish made encouraging vocations a top priority and during one sermon he said, “There is no greater feeling in world than being a priest.”  The statement bothered me because his very subjective experience was being applied to everyone.  Frankly, I can think of several things that probably feel greater than being a priest and most of them stem from the sacrament of holy matrimony.  Big moments like falling in love, making love, and bringing new life into the world come to mind but also smaller moments like when a spouse lovingly looks at you or when your child says how glad they are to have you as a parent.  (The married friend I had dinner with confirms this.)  Humans are social animals and physical contact has been shown to lower blood pressure, increase trust and optimism, boost the immune system, and reduce pain and anxiety.  A life spent in isolation usually brings the opposite.

Psychologist Harry Harlow showed how great the need for physical contact was by giving baby monkeys a choice of two surrogate mothers: one was made of wire mesh and provided food while the other offered no nourishment but was made out of soft cloth.  The monkeys spent most of their time attached to the cloth surrogate and only approached the wire one when they needed to eat.  Sometimes I think about this infamous experiment when my longing for physical contact becomes unbearable.

As our best years pass us by, anger and doubt can set in and soon we start to wonder how a merciful God can be so indifferent to our suffering.  When men of the cloth promote priestly vocations at the expense of singles seeking marriage, they are doing the devil's work.  For churches to thrive, they need devout families who will raise future generations of faithful Catholics.  The Evil One must be delighted every time singles who would make great parents never get married.

Do priests think romance or sex is gross?  Maybe on some subconscious level they want Catholic singles like me to fail so they can push vocations on us.  They might say our inability to find a spouse is a sign from God that we weren't meant to be married but this line of thinking is like handing someone a scorpion when they ask for bread.  We often hear a vocation comes from God and you can't give yourself one.  If that's the case, then selling a priestly vocation to someone who was meant to be married is wrong. 

A young gentleman at my former parish was in training to be a priest so he dressed in robes and became our pastor's right hand man.  To the surprise of many, he decided to not pursue this vocation and got married instead.  Our pastor expressed a sense of loss but he should have been happy because this young man found the path he was meant to take in life.  Vocations should not be seen as a numbers game where loses and gains are tallied.  Before our pastor moved on to another assignment he had hoped to get one more vocation from his congregation.  No help was ever given to struggling singles, however.

Some of the most devoted priests have said they felt the call at an early age.  If that's the case then no one should be cajoled into a vocation.  I've known for a very long time that God created me to fall in love with a woman but my spiritual shepherds continue to ignore the more inconvenient members of their flock.

The Mathematics Of "What If"

The older I get, the more my mind plays a numbers game.  I'm not sure when it started exactly but as I dwell on an uncertain future, all kinds of calculations begin swirling around in my head.

I turned 44 recently.  What if by some small miracle I started dating a good Catholic woman tomorrow?  How long would our courtship last before I knew she was the one?  Younger couples have the luxury of time.  They can spend several years romancing each other before they decide to get married.  For older singles like me, it feels like we're under the gun especially if we want to have kids and raise a family.

What if we dated for a few years but then realized we weren't meant to be together?  That would mean more time wasted.  I've known some friends for a few decades but just when I think I have them figured out, sometimes they will do things that are really inconsiderate.  If these relationships cause me so much grief, how am I supposed to truly know a spouse that I've dated for a relatively short period of time?

I wonder if the Sacrament of Marriage so late in life is more like a work in progress where you blindly hope for the best.  What if something really annoying about a spouse comes to the surface after the fact?  When my parents got married in 1969, my mother had been thought of as an old maid because she was in her mid-thirties.  At the time, my dad was 40.  Here I am at 44 and still single with no eligible Catholic women in sight.  I'm not supposed to be anxious about the future?

While my parents had a good marriage, their personalities often clashed and I saw my fair share of arguments.  Did they truly know each other or did the value they placed on the Sacrament of Marriage help keep them together?  I'd like to marry someone who was a great friend.  Staying married because it's your duty seems like a weak foundation.  Plenty of couples just go through the motions and put up with each other.  That's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for.

What if I got married tomorrow?  How old would I be when my kids turned twenty?  64.  Will I have the energy to deal with twenty-year-olds at that age?  From what I've observed, children put a huge strain on a marriage.  One of my married friends deeply desires more romance but his wife is so tired as a stay-at-home mom, she has little interest.  My cousin once joked, “When you think you've had all the sex, sleep and peace and quiet you can handle, that's when you should have kids because it all goes away after that.”  How encouraging!  For younger couples, there's time to experience years of intimacy before the demands of having children take center stage.  Should older couples who get married and have kids right away kiss romance goodbye after only a few months?

The calculations swirling around in my mind aren't just limited to the future.  Sometimes, I'm haunted by the lost potential of years gone by.  What if instead of college and then years of struggling to find my way in the world, I had gotten a job as a bus driver with the local transit authority?  As unglamourous as that sounds, I'd already be retired with a full pension and health benefits.  In the 1990s, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority offered generous salaries with plenty of overtime and only required 23 years of service before retirement.  This would certainly make me more attractive to members of the opposite sex who often demand “successful” men as potential suitors.

What if the Church had actually done more for young adults seeking marriage when I was in my 20s or early 30s?  How different would my life be today?  What if I had found a good Catholic woman to marry during my college years?  Our kids would be in their twenties right now.  What if I had gotten married even ten years ago?  I certainly wouldn't be this worried about “God's plan” but being so far removed from your calling can cause a great deal of anxiety

Fear and doubt like to creep in during the wee hours of the night and it's been many years since I've had a full 8 hours of sleep.  Wondering why my bed is so empty has me tossing and turning...and longing.  What if I had a spouse to hold right next to me?  I think it's safe to say all those wasted years wondering “what if” would be replaced by something much more fulfilling.

No Such Thing As A McDonald's Priest

                                                     Source: Business Insider

Over the past several months, I've been thinking about how different the lives of priests are compared to single Catholics who seek marriage.  Both groups feel they have some inner calling that's part of God's plan, but people like me don't find much encouragement from the Church along the way.

At Mass we hear prayers for vocations to the priesthood and religious life while Catholic singles don't even get a mention.  One pastor felt encouraging priestly vocations was a top priority and he would regularly ask the men of the parish who felt “the calling” to speak to him after Mass.  If you were thinking about the priesthood, he wanted to know you.  On the other hand, if you tried talking to him about your call to be married, a wall went up.  Suddenly my very eloquent and thoughtful pastor was at a loss for words.  Did his path in life make it difficult to understand people like me?

If you want to be a priest, the Church seems to bend over backwards to help nurture that calling.  There are discernment retreats, plenty of one on one time with other priests and even a chance to meet the Cardinal.  Sermons describe choosing the priesthood or religious life as a courageous decision.  Some parishes set up prayer groups for priestly vocations while others feature profiles of individual seminarians in the weekly bulletin.  You certainly don't hear anyone question this calling.  No one warns, “Be careful for what you wish for because you could be miserable in the priesthood.”

They do say this to Catholic singles, however.  Some people offer helpful advice by suggesting it's better to be single and lonely than to be trapped in a loveless marriage.  They tell us we don't need anyone to complete us because we have Jesus.  In her blog entry entitled 7 Reasons Why It's Hard to be Single in the Church, Sarah Thebarge writes, “Singleness is not a disease, and marriage is not the cure.”  Huh?  I thought when a person has a calling in life, they should try to fulfill it.

For single Catholics, finding your way in the world can bring confusion and doubt.  When you become a priest, there is clarity.  This is what you will do for the rest of your life.  The assignments may change over the years but your vocation is being fulfilled every day.  You never have to worry about a paycheck, or a place to sleep or a purpose in life and when you retire, the archdiocese takes care of your needs.  This is not to say being a priest is easy but there are certain pressures in life they will never know.

After college, I worked in a grocery store for a few years.  The job was mindless, we had to wear dumb uniforms and customers were downright insulting at times.  The longer I stayed, the more removed from God's plan I felt.  We often hear of people putting their dreams on hold just to make ends meet.  By contrast, a priest never has to give up his vocation to work at McDonald's.

For men of the cloth, life-long celibacy represents a success but for someone who is called to be married and have kids, it represents a failure.  I don't think many priests fully appreciate this.  If someone entered the seminary but was later told he couldn't be a priest, how would he feel?  Would the burning in his heart suddenly go away?

When you have a calling, whether it's to marriage or the priesthood, anything else feels like you're on the wrong path.  While those with priestly vocations in mind have a strong support system waiting for them, singles like me are left to our own devices and told it's not the Church's “job” to offer us help.

Easy For Them To Say

This fall, I attended a church function that attracted several priests as well as the new vicar for the north region of Massachusetts.  Most of the guests had not arrived yet but a priest I never met before started chatting with me.  His name was Fr. John MacInnis, pastor of Saint John the Baptist Church in Peabody, MA.  He told me a little about his parish then I decided to ask if his church had many young people.  (How could I have this blog and not ask that!)  He said there weren't many but his parish was starting to reach out to some of the young families who came to Mass.  I asked, “What about the young adults like me who are still single?”  Fr. John didn't have much of an answer for me.  I mentioned how the last couple of parishes that I belonged to didn't have anything for single young adults either adding, “I'm not even a young adult anymore.  I'm 43.”  He said 40 was still young and then assured me there was still time to have a family.  I didn't share that optimistic outlook and his comment reminded me of a conversation with another priest that took place a few years ago.

St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly, MA entered into the Boston Archdiocese's collaborative plan in June of 2013 and our new pastor at the time, Fr. Mark Mahoney held a “town meeting” with parishioners a few months later.  I approached him after the gathering to discuss my concerns about the plight of young adult singles.  I mentioned my calling to be married and never having the desire to be a priest.  I asked why no one at Mass ever openly prayed for single Catholics and then let him know that at 40 years of age, I felt the time to have a family was quickly slipping away.

Fr. Mark started off by saying he felt the sacrament of marriage was just as important as the priesthood because the bride and groom sacrificed for each other in a way that was very Christ-like.  He explained the Archdiocese instructed parishes to pray for priestly vocations at Mass.  Then he tried to reassure me by saying people were getting married much later these days so being single in your 40s isn't out of the ordinary now.  Fr. Mark suggested St. Mary's could initiate a day of service for the young adults of the parish but as the months passed, nothing ever came of it.

What struck me about both conversations was the lack of urgency.  I was basically told not to worry because 40 is the new 20.  It was painfully obvious these priests could understand what single Catholics had to endure on an intellectual level but they didn't seem to fully appreciate the real weight of our struggles.  40 is 40.

Had I fallen in love, married and raised a family even ten years ago, think of all the memories and experiences I'd have.  Instead there's a decade filled with loneliness, isolation and anxiety.  My dad passed away in 2012 and never lived to see any grandchildren from me and that hurts.  With ten years behind me, I am no closer to being married and now I wonder if my mother will be around to see my grandchildren.  Having a family later in life means higher health risks and lower energy levels.  Do priests think about these things when they so easily dispense such glib advice?

If you check out some of the various Catholic dating websites and chat rooms, you'll see a lot of desperation out there.  So many singles feel the clock is running out on their dreams of falling in love, getting married and having kids...and for many women, it's a biological clock.  Some may ask why the Church should be responsible for getting us a date.  Well, in many ways it's because of the Church that we don't have dates.

People like me are causalities of the culture war but many priests don't even want to admit we exist let alone help us.  Society has become more liberal and secular over the last few decades and when you embrace Catholic values, it seriously limits the dating pool.  If the goal of New Evangelization is to renew our congregations and place more butts in the pews, then priests should make helping Catholic singles a top priority instead of brushing our heartfelt concerns aside.

Why This Blog? Why Now?

At Mass we often hear the constant calls for vocations to the priesthood and religious life but what to do if you feel that you were meant to walk another path?  Will those in the Church act as good shepherds and help you in your struggle to find your way, or will you be forced to travel this path alone?
       
As a lifelong and devout Catholic, I have NEVER had a calling to the priesthood.  This is not a bad thing.  It just means that for a very long time, I've felt a very strong desire to be married.  It's great that there are people in the world who have a calling to the priesthood and religious life and if you feel choosing this vocation is why God put you on this earth then no one should get in the way of that.  However, the Catholic Church's desire to see more priests fill its ranks often unfairly places my calling to the Sacrament of Marriage on a far less important rung in the grand scheme of things.
       
Think about it.  A common intention our lector says at Mass is: "We pray for vocations from the young men of this parish…that they will hear God's call and say yes."  The word "discernment" is often thrown in for good measure too.  However, a "vocation" can mean many things…a career…a hobby…a craft…a way of life that gives you fulfillment.  When did the definition for the all important v-word get changed to something that only applied to the priesthood and religious life?  For those of us sitting in the pews each week with the vocation of marriage burning in our hearts we are left to wonder how come no one publicly prays for us with the same sense of legitimacy and importance?  
       
Have you ever heard a lector or priest during Mass say, "We pray for the single Catholics of this parish…that they might find companionship and fulfillment in the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony."  I haven't but it's not like I didn't try.  During a town hall meeting at my former parish, I mentioned my struggles as a single Catholic to our pastor and suggested they pray for the people like me at Mass during the intentions.  After he nervously grinned (probably because such an idea was so foreign to him) he talked about some of the steps that the parish could take to encourage fellowship among single Catholics but as the months passed, nothing ever came of this.  How crushed my soul felt sitting in the pews week after week with the realization my parish couldn't even be bothered to pray for the people in my situation let alone recognize our needs.
       
The Church is at a very serious crossroad which it can no longer afford to ignore.  Religion simply does not play an important role in many people's lives anymore as society continues its march toward the secular.  Parishes are closing.  Congregations are graying out with very few young adults to fill the pews.  You'd think the Church would do all it could to promote fellowship and marriage for faithful single Catholics.
       
The sad truth is many of the actions (and inactions) of the Catholic Church have only driven people away.  This is a tragedy because I think there are so many great things the Church does have to offer especially when we look at how mainstream society suffers from addiction, materialism, greed and meaningless interpersonal relationships.
       
I was raised Catholic since birth and have been devout for a very long time but my faith is like a ship adrift in a storm.  I am a lost sheep wondering why I am on this lonely path.  Are you one too?  I suspect there are many single Catholics out there who have suffered from similar disappointments and if the Church is to survive and grow, it needs to stop acting like we don't exist.