Out Of Touch...Out Of Mind

See for yourself:
http://www.cardinalseansblog.org/

A few years ago, the bulletins at my former parish promoted Cardinal Sean O'Malley's blog with a small advertisement on the back page.  After checking the site out for the first time, I've only read it every once in a great while.  The trouble is, the overall content of the Cardinal's blog seemed to highlight a big problem with many Church leaders today.

What really stuck me about the Cardinal's blog were the photos.  No matter the month or year, there were always plenty of smiling, well-dressed admirers eager to pose with the head of the Boston Archdiocese.  It made me wonder if Cardinal O'Malley placed a priority on meeting with people who might not be so admiring.  From lapsed Catholics to victims of the priest sex abuse scandal, there are plenty of folks the Cardinal should be talking to more often.

Some blog entries highlighted pretty obscure organizations, committees and gatherings that most worshipers have probably never heard of before.  Seeing members of the Catholic Lawyers' Guild, Regnum Christi or Scalabrinians with the Cardinal gives one the impression that the Catholic Church is healthy and vibrant which it is not.  In fact, much of what we see on the blog is a result of having a captive audience.  Cardinal O'Malley attends events that usually attract people who seem easily impressed with titles and view him as something of a celebrity.

At times, the Cardinal himself focuses on “celebrity” by cozying up to the rich and powerful regardless of their views on the Church.  A post describing a gala to benefit an inner-city scholarship fund showed our state's socially liberal governor in attendance.  Candinal O'Malley wrote:  “We were also pleasantly surprised by a visit from Governor Charlie Baker.  He spoke very highly of the contributions that Catholic schools make to the Commonwealth and commended the work of the Catholic Schools Foundation.”  I wonder if Governor Baker appreciates the moral values these schools try to impart to their students?  Also on this post was a photo of the Cardinal schmoozing with billionaire owner of the New England Patriots, Bob Kraft.

Another blog entry featured a discussion on the treatment of immigrants.  (When the hierarchy uses the word “immigrants” they usually mean illegal immigrants.)  Among the participants Cardinal O'Malley invited to the Cathedral of the Holy Cross was Boston Mayor Marty Walsh.  The city leader may call himself Catholic, but he's been a strong advocate of the left and was even a guest speaker at a local Planned Parenthood rally last fall.

In 2009, the Cardinal blogged about his decision to give Senator Ted Kennedy a Catholic funeral.  The far-left politician had vigorously pushed a liberal agenda that made the world increasingly hostile to those of us who embraced Catholic values.  Yet when diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, Senator Kennedy came crawling back to the Church.  He never publicly apologized for his very visible support of abortion and other liberal causes over the years, though.  The senator got a grand Catholic funeral fit for a modern-day saint.  It's sad when the hierarchy looks the other way in situations like these because there are many devout but humble Catholics who never get recognized for their faithfulness.

While reading Cardinal O'Malley's blog, you get the impression he's a very busy guy.  In addition to the numerous Masses, galas, dedications and conferences he attends, there are also posts about his occasional trips to Rome and other exotic locales.  Some speculate he's being groomed to be Pope.  It makes me think all these commitments are a distraction from the real work that still needs to be done within the Archdiocese.  My former pastor was fond of saying, “A good shepherd takes on the smell of the sheep.”  This means a good spiritual leader is so close to his flock, he is aware of their concerns, conflicts, and desires.  If the Cardinal is too busy attending fancy galas where he's surrounded by flatterers and the well-connected, does he really know us at all?

Blogging's Broken Record

If you search many of the blogs and articles about single Catholics you'll probably encounter comments from a reader named Larry Bud who sometimes goes by Uncle Fester.  After reading a piece from U.S. Catholic entitled Flying solo: Life as a single Catholic, I decided to post a link to Long Lost Black Sheep just to let people know they weren't alone.  From there, Larry Bud found my blog and decided to comment on a semi-regular basis.  While I welcomed the discussion, he seemed very abrasive.  After checking out his comments on other sites, some readers came to this conclusion too.  It wasn't so much what Larry Bud said but how he said it and if his remarks rubbed people the wrong way, he felt it was their problem.  When challenged, he tended to cut the debate short by bowing out of the discussion.  We had gone back and forth several times until he decided to stop commenting on my blog altogether.

Larry Bud once suggested I read his comments from other blogs so he wouldn't have to repeat himself.  What I found was one theory repeated over and over again like a broken record.  According to him, the Catholic Church was in decline because parishes no longer served as social networks where parishioners felt they were part of a community.  He said mixers, dances, carnivals and other gatherings gave singles an opportunity to meet each other without the pressure of a narrowly-focused singles ministry that was doomed to fail.  He also stated your parents and grandparents likely met each other at these parish-wide gatherings which according to him, fell out of favor sometime in the 1980s.  Perhaps there is some truth to Larry Bud's hypothesis but an experience at my former parish last month leads me to believe there's more to it than that.

St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly hosted a free “jazz brunch” after the 10:45 AM Mass and when I told a friend about it, he wanted to go.  Apparently it was something of a Mardi Gras celebration.  At best, the gathering would feature breakfast foods like pancakes and eggs along with actual jazz musicians.  At worst, there would be coffee and donuts with the “jazz” performed by old white guys from the parish.

We arrived at the church's function hall early so Mass was still going on upstairs.  A few volunteers were setting up the food which consisted of mini subs, cookies and pastries.  I think they forgot the “b” in brunch stood for breakfast.  On the tables were Mardi Gras beads and in one corner were items for a silent auction.  People started to trickle in after Mass but only a small percentage of the congregation actually attended.  My friend and I sat at a smaller table by ourselves but almost immediately, an elderly lady sat right next to us.  She chatted up a storm and occasionally gave me pats on the arm and shoulder.  Argh!  The “jazz” band were indeed old white guys from the parish who played dixieland.

Almost all of the attendees were elderly or families.  When a handful of people my age arrived, they sat by themselves and left after about twenty minutes.  One woman from this group used to run our parish's young adult ministry several years ago and was fully aware of my struggles as a Catholic single.  Not once did she say hi or introduce me to her friends.  Am I really that invisible?  In fact, no one from St. Mary's wondered why my mother and I had stopped attending Mass here.  Therein lies the flaw in Larry Bud's theory.  Parish-wide events don't automatically create social networks or a sense of community.  St. Mary's has had many all-inclusive gatherings over the years but when singles like me attend, we still feel disconnected because we just can't find what we're looking for.

Larry Bud is vehemently against singles ministries and matchmaking events because he feels they don't work.  I think the reason they come up short is the same reason why all-inclusive parish gatherings seem so lame nowadays.  There just aren't enough singles or younger people attending Mass in the first place.  Society has become more skeptical and spiritually lazy so churches cannot count on a large number of worshipers to be active in parish life anymore.  This could explain why those all-inclusive gatherings have dropped off in the past few decades.  (Perhaps the same handful of volunteers who set up these events get tired of having to do all the work.)

There's nothing inherently wrong with ministries that target certain segments of the population.  An elderly widow will have very different spiritual needs than a young couple starting a family.  Several years ago, the Archdiocese of Boston held a regional gathering for young adults that attracted singles from many different parishes.  Had the event featured something more than prayers and lectures, I think it could have done wonders to bring those seeking marriage together.

If you can't find your fellow Catholic singles at Mass, chances are you won't be able to find them at a hokey parish function inundated with kids and the elderly.  My mother had to look beyond her church to find a spouse because she just wasn't compatible with any of the Catholic men in the neighborhood.  This is what can happen when we limit the dating pool to the local level.  My hometown is filled with far too many small-minded people so even if parish activities at St. Mary's were well-attended by every age group, it's doubtful there would be anyone there for me.

Sure, Rub It In

During the intentions at Mass this week, there was a special Valentine's Day prayer for couples who were in love.  I had never heard of such a thing before but it was yet another painful reminder of how singles are excluded from parish life.  This was the same church where I asked why nobody prayed for lonely unattached people like me.

Sitting in the row of pews across from me was a very pregnant young woman and her husband.  (Now that was just throwing salt on an open wound!)  I started to wonder if the guy really knew how lucky he was.  So often, I will see married people who take each other for granted and it seems like the longer people stay together, the more adversarial they are toward each other.  These couples don't give a second thought to something I have desperately longed for.

One of my close friends from high school will celebrate his 20th wedding anniversary in a few days and it has me thinking about all the time I lost by not finding a good woman to marry.  He met his spouse in college and they have so much shared history:  The honeymoon phase, that carefree time when they were a couple without kids, apartment living, renting and then later buying a house, starting a family, new and more successful jobs, moving to a different part of the country, etc.  Throughout all those stages in life, my friend has had someone to offer him comfort and support.  He admitted to me he's a much better man because of her.  I have none of those experiences under my belt.  Do people who dismiss Catholic singles think about these things?

At work, there are a large number of Valentine's Day decorations hanging up.  Everything from candy to cards to stuffed animals.  For couples, these things are cute reminders of the love they share.  For singles like me, they only serve to underscore how much we have missed in our lives.

Two Years Out

The inspiration for this blog can be found here:
  https://christianpundit.wordpress.com/

Yesterday marked the two-year anniversary of this blog.  Many months before the site was created, I found myself spending a great deal of time searching the internet just to see what others had to say about being Christian and single.  Was loneliness weighing heavy on their souls?  Did they think the Church was ignoring them?  Were they frustrated because their parish priests just didn't fully comprehend their woes?  What I found on various Christian blogs, chat rooms and articles was heartbreaking.

A celibate older man who never dated before felt so lonely, he wished for cancer just to put an end to his miserable life.  A woman who had never even kissed a guy wondered if her toddler niece would grow up and lose her virginity first.  One middle-aged virgin was so frustrated, he contemplated hiring a prostitute just to finally get sex over with.  A postmenopausal woman felt betrayed by God because she would never know the joy of bringing life into the world.  There was a great deal of hurt out there and it made me angry.  These singles were miserable because many years ago, they had embraced the Church's teachings.  Now they found themselves abandoned in an ever-shrinking dating pool.

I had thought about blogging for a while but the spirit finally moved me after reading a blog called Christian Pundit (not to be confused with The Christian Pundit).  Its author is a single woman who writes to vent her frustrations and she doesn't care if people perceive her as being too negative.  I thought it was refreshing to see content that wasn't sugarcoated and figured this approach would work for my own blog.  If people found inspiration or wisdom from Long Lost Black Sheep that would be great, but I do not write to gain followers or impress other people.  Posting content is actually cathartic but my two years in the blogosphere has brought its fair share of quirky reactions.

“I agree with you but here's why you're wrong.”  Sometimes readers will complement me on a post but then go on to pick apart its content in rather blunt ways.  I don't mind dissent as long as it's respectful.  Not agreeing with me is one thing.  Passing off your opinions as the Gospel truth is another.

“You're only making yourself more miserable.”  I'm already miserable.  This blog is simply a byproduct of my chronic loneliness.  Those burning desires won't disappear if I suddenly stopped writing.

“We have so much in common.”  If you make this statement but then go on to tell me how different your life is from mine, then we don't have much in common.

Over-sharing  One reader was so happy to find my blog, he started telling me very inappropriate details about his life.  If your sister likes to “chase cock” and your libido has gone way down, I don't want to hear about it.  This blog features moderated comments because some reader remarks were too vulgar.

Bad advice  If you tell me I should be happy as a single person or all I really need is God's love then this blog is not for you.  If you think I should become a priest and / or join a monastery, then this blog REALLY isn't for you.

Insulting  I hoped people would be fairly Christ-like on a Catholic blog but some readers have been just plain rude.  Perhaps they can't see their insensitivity.  Maybe they can but just don't care.  When I told one reader not to comment on this blog anymore, he fired a parting shot by saying I should seek psychological help before I hurt myself.

Reading comprehension  I can tell when someone doesn't read my content very carefully because they will ask me questions that have already been answered.  If I mention my hometown in a post, then you shouldn't be asking me where I'm from.

Invasive  Asking a total stranger if they are still a virgin is pretty inappropriate even for a Catholic blog.  Telling me what is going on in my mind when you don't even know me crosses a line too.

Missing the point  I once spent a great deal of time going back and forth with a reader because he couldn't understand my strong calling to be married (which is a central theme to this blog).  After all was said and done, he still didn't get it.  

Despite all of these quirks, there have been a number of comments from thoughtful and considerate readers.  I'm not looking for people to agree with me but you should be respectful.  Having a blog can be a very personal thing and I think I'm entitled to set some standards.  (The author of Christian Pundit does not allow dissent.)

After two years on the internet, I continue to enjoy putting my thoughts out there.  Who knows how long this site will remain active but there is still much to discuss.

Chain Of Giving

Usually when we donate unwanted items to charity, we have no idea what kind of impact our gift will make.  We assume some good will come from it but we don't really see the people who benefit from our generosity.  Last year, a few of my colleagues decided to buy me a toy as a gag gift.  It was something very specific that related to a hobby of mine but I had absolutely no use for it.  They got a good laugh and then set the toy up in the office for a few hours.  After the novelty quickly wore off, they encouraged me to take it home.  I reluctantly agreed just to be polite and then placed the toy in the basement.

A few days before Christmas, I remembered the gag gift and figured it would be best to donate it to charity.  It was too late in the season to find a Toys for Tots drop box so I took it to Mass with me.  After services, I approached my pastor to ask if he knew of a deserving child who might want it.  He gladly accepted the toy because as luck would have it, a few people who volunteered at a charity for underprivileged children would be attending the next Mass.  I thanked him and then put it out of my mind.

While shaking hands with my pastor after Mass a few weeks later, he said my gift was well-received because it went to a child who had specifically asked his parents for that exact toy but they weren't able to afford it.  When the child opened his gift, not only was he amazed, but his parents were too.  I was pleasantly surprised by the news and told the priest, "That was God using all of us to make things happen."  A sense of comfort that had been absent for a long time filled my soul.  God's ways are often a mystery to me but on this occasion, they seemed very clear.

A chain of giving had been set up to bring a child and his parents some joy during Christmas.  For that moment to have happened, each link in the chain needed to do its part.  What if I had left the toy in the basement?  What if my pastor didn't take time to talk to me after Mass?  What if the charity workers didn't pass that gift along to a needy child?  Sometimes even the smallest efforts are the most important ones.  Perhaps there wouldn't be so much evil in the world if everyone did his or her part to help others.

Many years ago, a priest asked our congregation if we were doing enough to give to the poor.  He wasn't talking about making grand gestures but helping out in small ways.  Were there clothes we never wore just sitting in our closets?  If so, he recommended we go through what we had and donate the items we didn't use, adding that when we parted with our unwanted possessions, it would feel like a weight was lifted off our shoulders.  As a frequent user of thrift stores, I can tell you there were times when what other people donated helped me look professional during financially tough times.  Not only am I incredibly grateful to these donors, I find myself wondering who they were.

Each one of us has a part to play in the chain of giving.  What's critical to keep that chain going is for us to be mindful about those who are in need and how we might help them.

Yes Never Came

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOrBI-b5wT0

Each new year brings with it a certain kind of hope and as 2018 begins, I find myself thinking about the first few days of 2017.  Back then, I was flipping through late night TV and just happened to see a program from mega-church televangelist, Joel Olsteel.  I was very much aware of who he was but had never actually watched any of his sermons before.  He spoke about the new year and said “yes” was coming.  According to him, we would finally get the things we were yearning for if we had faith.  Doors that were closed to us for such a long time would suddenly be opened in 2017.  He sounded so positive and upbeat, I decided to hear more of what he had to say just to see how over-the-top his promises would be.

Mr. Olsteen gave the example of a woman who had applied for a dream job but had doubts she would ever be hired.  While taking a taxi, she shared her concerns with the driver who later on just happened to give a ride to the person whose job it was to hire someone for that same company.  The taxi driver put in a good word for the woman and miraculously, she was hired thanks to that chance meeting with the taxi driver.  Joel Oltseen then pondered the slim odds of such a thing happening in a big city and chalked it up to God's unseen hand.

It had me thinking about a story in my college's alumni newsletter from many years ago.  A recent graduate flying out to Los Angeles to pursue a career in the entertainment industry just happened to be seated right next to a movie producer.  The two of them started talking and discovered they both went to the same college.  By the end of the flight, the graduate was invited to work at the movie producer's company.  The article was supposed to highlight the college's networking potential but I can tell you from personal experience, such occurrences are probably very rare.

When people make promises that sound too good to be true, they only need to be right every now and then.  The alumni newsletter will never feature graduates who still struggle to find their dream jobs or who gave up looking altogether.  The Youtube video for Joel Olsteen's sermon is filled with comments praising his remarks.  They said that after watching the program, “yes” happened to them as well.  I'd be interested to know how many people yearned for “yes” in 2017 but then didn't find it.

Mr. Olsteen adds one little caveat.  We can't be negative.  In the sermon, he mentions a couple who've been trying to have a baby for years.  He says if you have the attitude that it will never happen, then “yes” won't come.  You have to believe and put your “yes” next to God's “yes” in order for miraculous things to occur.  This seems like a convenient cop out for Joel Olsteen because if any of his followers fail to get what they hoped for in the new year, he can always blame it on their weak faith.

Even though I tend to be negative, I'm still hopeful that the long-closed doors in my life will somehow open.  Guess what happened in 2017?  That “yes” Joel Olsteen said was on its way never came.  His optimistic sermon reminded me of candidate Donald Trump.  Make many uplifting promises to build up people's hopes and don't worry if they never come to pass.  According to Mr. Trump, defeating ISIS was going to be so easy and would only take months.  Tell that to recent casualties of a terrorist attack on Save the Children in Jalalabad.  Stopping a fanatical ideology won't be so easy no matter how optimistic our president is.

I've had priests say negativity leads us away from Christ but there are many times when advice in the Bible was not so uplifting.  Sell everything you own.  Cut off your hand if it causes you sin.  Be content with your pay.  Turn the other cheek.  So often, Jesus and His followers told people what they didn't want to hear.  Standing up for the truth and doing the right thing sometimes requires us to be a little negative.

The Olsteen Estate

It's spiritual pied pipers like Joel Olsteen we should be wary of.  A quick internet search reveals photos of the televangelist's sprawling mansion.  This is a far cry from the simple life John the Baptist adopted.  If it's very hard for a rich man to get into heaven, then why do so many of these televangelists fully embrace the vast material comforts of this world?

For me, it appears God did not say “yes” 2017 because many long-closed doors continue to remain closed.  Perhaps 2017 was the year He said, “Maybe.”

Wounds Never Healed

Disgraced former head of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Law passed away this December.  When reports of sexually abusive priests came to his attention, he reassigned them to other parishes and kept the allegations quiet.  This allowed those abusive priests to molest again.  When the cover up was finally exposed in 2002, it seriously hurt the Church's moral credibility and sent the Cardinal fleeing to Rome.

Some victims and their families have reacted strongly to news of Bernard Law's death by saying they hope he has gone to hell for allowing such a thing to happen over and over again.  The current leader of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Sean O'Malley, was careful with his words during a press conference stating that ultimately it's the goal of Christianity to see that everyone gets into heaven.

During a recent interview with the Salem News, abused former altar boy Bernie McDaid described a private meeting he and his mother had with Cardinal Law in 2002.  “I'm not sticking up for Bernie Law but he did apologize.”  McDaid added, “He was absolutely wrong and he knew it.  But he represents hundreds of cardinals who were moving priests around.  To make Bernie Law the scapegoat kind of shortens the issue to Boston.  This is all over the world.”

McDaid also recalled a meeting he helped organize between victims and Cardinal Law.  A young woman whose brother was abused by a priest and later took his own life stood up and said to the Cardinal, “I want you to know that you killed my brother.”  When Cardinal Law looked down at the floor, she screamed at him,  “Look me in the eye.  You're a murderer.”

Keeping the allegations of abuse quiet also made the victims think they were alone.  Imagine the weight of such a violation on your soul.  Now imagine having to bear that weight all by yourself.  I think if there is any sense of justice, Cardinal Law would experience all the heartache, indignity and trauma of the lives that were ruined by the cover up.  The sad part was, it didn't have to be this way.

Our priests lecture us all the time about standing up for what is right even if it costs us dearly.  They cite how much the martyrs gave up and ask if we would do the same.  Why is it the Church didn't follow its own advice?  When Cardinal Law first received complaints about abusive priests, he should have been on the phone to the police.  (The Church today would be in much better shape spiritually and financially if he had!)  Reassigning those priests to other parishes was like hoping a ticking time bomb wouldn't go off.  What was it about Bernard Law's character that allowed the abuse to continue as far as it did?

I only met Cardinal Law once during an anniversary celebration of the Boston Archdiocese held at my former high school.  He was getting out of the backseat of a car and chatted with a few people near the entrance to the auditorium.  Frankly, there was something about him I never liked.  Whether it was television interviews or recorded messages played to our parish (usually about money), he struck me as a milquetoast who just wasn't passionate about defending the Catholic faith.  I certainly don't remember him being too critical of Boston area Catholic politicians who actively promoted agendas that ran counter to the Church's teachings.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/cardinal-s-confession-sex-abuse-victim-reflects-on-meeting-law/article_08aea181-5a02-5118-8ae5-91b589803fac.html

Some Catholics say we should stop talking about the scandal because being negative weakens the Church and accomplishes very little.  What continues to hurt the Church is not doing right by the victims.  When members of S.N.A.P. protested outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, one parishioner wondered what more do the victims want.  That's an easy thing to say if you've never suffered the horror of a shattered childhood.

What also continues to hurt the Church is it's lack of genuine honesty.  In a prepared statement, Cardinal O'Malley said: “I recognize that Cardinal Law’s passing brings forth a wide range of emotions on the part of many people. I am particularly cognizant of all who experienced the trauma of sexual abuse by clergy, whose lives were so seriously impacted by those crimes, and their families and loved ones.”  Now if you were having a heart to heart conversation with someone, would you actually use the word cognizant?  Instead of a well-plotted form letter that sounds like it was crafted by a lawyer or politician, how about the honesty of plain talk?

Cardinal Sean O'Malley mentions the good work Bernard Law did in the South but this is taking a “Mousilini made the trains run on time” approach.  No matter what good Cardinal Law did in the past, his role during the abuse scandal has been cemented in history and you cannot remove the man from such grievous misdeeds. 

During a deposition Cardinal Law was forced to give, some of the victims described him as angry rather than contrite.  Bernie McDaid recalled in the Salem News how during his second visit to the Vatican in 2010 Cardinal Law hung up on him.  “I'm pretty sure it was him.  He spoke in English and quickly switched over to Italian.”  Whether you believe Cardinal Law was truly sorry for what had happened or just sorry his cover up was exposed, he became the poster child for how badly the priest abuse scandal was handled.  It's been said the Catholic Church is in a much better position to prevent such abuse from happening again but it never should have gone on as long as it did in the first place.