Only When They Want Something

My church fills up with elderly worshipers pretty quickly so if you want to sit in your usual pew, you have to show up about twenty minutes before the Mass begins.  Yesterday, my mother and I arrived a little late so we had to sit a few rows back and closer to the middle.  As usual, I scanned the room to see if there were any people my age in the sea of old people.  Off to the right was a well dressed young lady but she was so far away, I couldn't tell how old she was.  As the Mass progressed, I would occasionally glance over to see if she was still there.  After communion, our pastor commented on what a good thing it was to have younger people at Mass and then he called the young lady up to the lectern to speak about the subject.

As it turned out, the young woman was with FOCUS, the Fellowship of Catholic University Students.  She said young adults were turning away from God in record numbers and FOCUS aimed to change that by providing fellowship and evangelization on college campuses.  She explained 23 was a critical age because that's when young people tended to give up on religion.  According to her, it was imperative parishioners like us supported FOCUS with financial commitments so they could continue to spread the faith to young minds.  I knew there was a catch to having a beautiful young woman show up to Mass!

At the end of services, she stood at the back of the church to talk with parishioners.  Again, I felt abandoned by the Church because there's never any help for people who aged out of the young adult category.  The next day, I checked out the website for FOCUS.  Their tag line was, “You are made for greatness.”  It made me think about my college days.  In the beginning, I was filled with such hope and felt God was calling me to do something wonderful.  By graduation, I was disillusioned and lost.  The website explained how FOCUS was on college campuses across the country adding, “...so chances are, we're on yours.”  This statement is somewhat inaccurate because in all of Massachusetts, only 4 colleges had FOCUS ministries.  We certainly didn't have them at my alma mater.

The website also boasted they were helping young people find the path God had for them and this inspired countless religious vocations and holy, healthy marriages.  They asked us to help them reach the hearts and minds of this generation.  Once again, people my age were being written off.  Too late to help us, I suppose.

The woman from FOCUS told us young people often give up their faith during their college years.  Despite my many set backs in college, I still had some faith left inside me.  It only diminished later on in life when my pleas for help were largely ignored by several priests who did absolutely nothing to provide fellowship and guidance to this lost sheep.  As my mother and I left church, part of me felt like talking to this woman about my struggles but then I figured it wasn't worth the trouble.  She was there to get money for her ministry, not to hear about my struggle to find purpose in life.

The whole incident reminded me of a Mass several years ago at my former parish.  My mother and I sat in our usual pew off to the right and a beautiful girl who I had never seen before walked up the isle.  She turned to me and smiled as she passed by.  All during Mass, I wondered who she was.  Just before the services had ended, our priest called a young man to the lectern to discuss the plight of Palestinian Christians living in the occupied territories.  The girl who had smiled at me was part of this group and they were at our church to sell trinkets in order to raise funds for their charity.  My mother and I went downstairs to see what they had to offer.  The girl looked at me again and said in a quiet voice, “We meet again.”  I pretended not to hear her because she was being friendly just to get money out of me.  I later joked to my mother, “The prospects are so bad at St. Mary's, they have to import attractive women from halfway around the world.”  In both situations, these females had caught my eye but women like that seem to visit my church only when they want something.

You're Not Welcome

A few months ago, I received a group email from my former parish promoting an event called JESUS aCROSS the Border.  Entitled “College Night!  Represent Your Current, Former, or Favorite College” it read:

Join JESUS aCROSS the Border, the umbrella organization which unites over 20 different young adult Catholic groups, for its first college campus event! The event is geared towards young adults, 18-35 years of age, but is open to anyone who would like to find out more about the JESUS aCROSS the Border mission.

Despite saying the gathering was open to all, it was clear people my age weren't welcome.  Why else would they put an age range in the invitation?  My thoughts turned to the young adult pizza nights at my former parish from a few years ago.  I had been urged to attend by my deacon but trying to mingle with so many teens and 20 year olds was an incredibly awkward experience.  The itinerary for JESUS aCROSS the Border also included pizza.

According to the invitation, the event started with Eucharistic adoration and acoustic praise and worship led by Angelique Bolduc of LIFT Ministries.  A young adult Mass followed with Fr. Carlos Suarez as the main Mass celebrant.  It made me wonder exactly what a young adult Mass was.  Does the priest tailor his sermon around the struggles a college student might face?  The “signature networking pizza social” that followed Mass claimed to be “a fantastic opportunity for over 20 Catholic young adult groups to network with one another and for YOU to get to know the many groups out there that are ready to support you in your faith journey!”

After reading the invitation, I wondered why it seemed like every Church event had to hit people over the head with religion.  Sometimes we just want to connect with our fellow Catholics in a less rigid setting.  When I discussed my struggles as a single with the woman who organized young adult events at my former parish, she suggested Eucharistic adoration and the men's Bible study group.  Now if I were feeling lonely and desired the company of a good woman, why on earth would I seek out the men's only group?!  Adoration doesn't really allow for any conversation between its participants.  It just goes to show you how ill-prepared the Church is when singles like me ask for help.

There are some who believe Christ must be the focal point of every church activity and some studies claim when “feel good” events are placed above those focused on Jesus, parishes wither away.  I’ve read other studies where young adults say they became alienated from the Church because activities targeting their age group were too heavy-handed.  Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with a more relaxed approach when it comes to Catholic social events.

Our regional bishop wrote in his parish's bulletin how surprised he was to learn the average age young people decide to leave the Church was 13.  It’s not surprising to me because that’s when many of us start to question life's mysteries and wonder about our place in the world.  Wouldn't young people feel more welcomed by a loving community of faith instead of having the Church’s beliefs drilled into them by rote?

The hierarchy must be very worried about the future because now the Pope is actually convening a Synod on Young People, the Faith, and Vocational Discernment to better understand why young people are leaving the faith in droves.  I would have loved something like this during my high school and college years but back then, the Church largely took its young people for granted.  Now they are trying to play catch up.  Will these efforts succeed or is it simply too little too late?

The synod will only focus on Catholics ages 16 to 29 so once again, people like me are not welcome.  We are the forgotten and the Church does not want to acknowledge us.

It's About Time

Last month I attended my church's Saturday afternoon Mass as usual.  The regulars sat in their favorite pews and our priest gave an average sermon.  Things were so routine, my mind started to wander.  During the Prayer of the Faithful, the lector read off the typical list of intentions.  Then to my surprise, he mentioned single people.  My ears pricked up as he asked God to give singles strength and endurance.  My heart became a little lighter when we all said, “Lord, hear our prayer.”

For a long time, I have been wondering why nobody publicly prays for singles during Mass.  It's a small but helpful gesture because it lets the unattached know the congregation isn't ignoring their plight.  I mentioned this when my church hosted a talk with the regional bishop back in July of 2017.  Finally after ten months, somebody within the parish addressed my concern.

Unfortunately, the petition was not repeated in the subsequent weeks but I'm glad to have heard it at all.  There are times when the hopelessness that plagues me is so crippling, I need God's strength and endurance.  During Mass we pray for so many different groups of people: priests, married couples, children, parents, victims of natural disasters, prisoners, the elderly, the poor, immigrants, widows, politicians, soldiers.  Why not put singles into the mix?

On a few occasions, I have tried reaching out to my parish priests about being single but they never gave me the help I needed.  After meeting with the regional bishop about my struggles, he decided not to continue the conversation.  It makes me wonder how the Church expects to reach potential worshipers who are far away from God if they don't even know what to do with the Catholics who are already sitting in the pews.

Doing The Devil's Work

 Sometimes the little moments remind me what's missing in my life.  While spending time entertaining my nieces at a family gathering, one relative said it was too bad I wasn't married because she thought I would make a good dad.  A few years ago, I was having dinner over a friend's house and his wife started looking at me with adoring eyes.  I asked what the matter was and she replied, “You’re so charming.  I can't believe you don't have a girlfriend.”  During a trip to the grocery store, I spotted the image of a cute baby eating spaghetti on the packaging of paper towels and lamented the family I didn't have yet.  While dropping my uncle off at the airport recently, a young couple standing nearby shared a passionate embrace.  I said to myself, “I want THAT!”  Unfortunately, the Church is too busy promoting priestly vocations to help singles like me find what we're desperately looking for.

You know life is pathetic when paper towel packaging makes you sad.

The pastor at my former parish made encouraging vocations a top priority and during one sermon he said, “There is no greater feeling in world than being a priest.”  The statement bothered me because his very subjective experience was being applied to everyone.  Frankly, I can think of several things that probably feel greater than being a priest and most of them stem from the sacrament of holy matrimony.  Big moments like falling in love, making love, and bringing new life into the world come to mind but also smaller moments like when a spouse lovingly looks at you or when your child says how glad they are to have you as a parent.  (The married friend I had dinner with confirms this.)  Humans are social animals and physical contact has been shown to lower blood pressure, increase trust and optimism, boost the immune system, and reduce pain and anxiety.  A life spent in isolation usually brings the opposite.

Psychologist Harry Harlow showed how great the need for physical contact was by giving baby monkeys a choice of two surrogate mothers: one was made of wire mesh and provided food while the other offered no nourishment but was made out of soft cloth.  The monkeys spent most of their time attached to the cloth surrogate and only approached the wire one when they needed to eat.  Sometimes I think about this infamous experiment when my longing for physical contact becomes unbearable.

As our best years pass us by, anger and doubt can set in and soon we start to wonder how a merciful God can be so indifferent to our suffering.  When men of the cloth promote priestly vocations at the expense of singles seeking marriage, they are doing the devil's work.  For churches to thrive, they need devout families who will raise future generations of faithful Catholics.  The Evil One must be delighted every time singles who would make great parents never get married.

Do priests think romance or sex is gross?  Maybe on some subconscious level they want Catholic singles like me to fail so they can push vocations on us.  They might say our inability to find a spouse is a sign from God that we weren't meant to be married but this line of thinking is like handing someone a scorpion when they ask for bread.  We often hear a vocation comes from God and you can't give yourself one.  If that's the case, then selling a priestly vocation to someone who was meant to be married is wrong. 

A young gentleman at my former parish was in training to be a priest so he dressed in robes and became our pastor's right hand man.  To the surprise of many, he decided to not pursue this vocation and got married instead.  Our pastor expressed a sense of loss but he should have been happy because this young man found the path he was meant to take in life.  Vocations should not be seen as a numbers game where loses and gains are tallied.  Before our pastor moved on to another assignment he had hoped to get one more vocation from his congregation.  No help was ever given to struggling singles, however.

Some of the most devoted priests have said they felt the call at an early age.  If that's the case then no one should be cajoled into a vocation.  I've known for a very long time that God created me to fall in love with a woman but my spiritual shepherds continue to ignore the more inconvenient members of their flock.

Their Answer For Everything?

Look familiar?

While searching for Cardinal Sean O'Malley's blog, I found an article on consecrated virgins.  I never heard of such a thing before so I decided to research the subject.  A consecrated virgin is a woman who publicly vows to live in perpetual virginity as an exclusive spouse of Christ.  The practice dates back to the early days of the Church, fell out of favor for some time but was reestablished after Vatican II.  Women who have freely engaged in sexual union are not eligible for this form of concerted life.  It's estimated there are about 300 consecrated virgins living in the United States with around 6,000 to 7,000 worldwide.

The more I read about consecrated virginity, the more it bothered me.  As a single Catholic male, it's difficult enough to find a woman who saves herself for marriage.  Now the Church itself was shrinking the pool of devout, eligible females.  After comparing the images of women receiving this rite with those of priests, sisters and deacons being ordained, I found myself asking, “Is that their answer for everything?”

Behind many of these consecrated virgins was a priest influencing their decision.  In an essay entitled I Am Happily Married to God, Carmen Briceno writes, “Father Juan had opened a house where myself and other women who were considering consecrated life could have the space to pray and discern whether this vocation was for us.  It was an old convent, so it had a chapel where we could pray and was right across the street from the local parish church.”  Another article on the subject featured a consecrated virgin who had pined for a boyfriend but was encouraged by her priest to start writing love letters to Jesus instead.

It's common to encounter priests who believe the joy and fellowship they experience as men of the cloth is universal but for Catholic singles who are called to marriage, nothing could be further from the truth.  The elephant in the room of course is S-E-X.  You may hear the occasional sermon condemning premarital sex, but do they ever mention the benefits of healthy sexual relations WITHIN the bonds of holy matrimony?  Life-long celibacy is always held up as the ideal which is why some of the consecrated virgins interviewed say things like, “There's more to life than sex.” or “...the life of a celibate person is not lacking in intimacy” or  “Human love comes with its own pitfalls...chiefly that it doesn't last.”

I think it's sad these women feel this way and it has me wondering how different their lives would be had they been exposed to different role models.  Carmen Briceno mentioned having to break off relationships with past boyfriends because they did not respect her decision to save sex until marriage.  What if a respectful suitor had crossed her path?  Instead of love letters to Jesus, how about helping these women find spouses.

Concentrated virginity seems to exist in a strange middle ground that skirts the commitment of a religious order but does not allow for an ordinary life.  I wonder if these women are emotionally mature enough for the complexities of having a husband.  Carmen Briceno writes, “But in many ways, I have the same struggles as a wife would.”  No you don't.  Judging by my married friends, consecrated virginity is nothing like holy matrimony.  You can put on a white dress, wear a ring and have a ceremony, but it doesn't mean you know anything about being married.

In the Bible, Jesus turns to the crowd and says, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for Me, but weep for yourselves and for your children.  For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the childless women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!'”  With consecrated virginity, is the Church helping to promote the very culture that Jesus warned us about?

Out Of Touch...Out Of Mind

See for yourself:
http://www.cardinalseansblog.org/

A few years ago, the bulletins at my former parish promoted Cardinal Sean O'Malley's blog with a small advertisement on the back page.  After checking the site out for the first time, I've only read it every once in a great while.  The trouble is, the overall content of the Cardinal's blog seemed to highlight a big problem with many Church leaders today.

What really stuck me about the Cardinal's blog were the photos.  No matter the month or year, there were always plenty of smiling, well-dressed admirers eager to pose with the head of the Boston Archdiocese.  It made me wonder if Cardinal O'Malley placed a priority on meeting with people who might not be so admiring.  From lapsed Catholics to victims of the priest sex abuse scandal, there are plenty of folks the Cardinal should be talking to more often.

Some blog entries highlighted pretty obscure organizations, committees and gatherings that most worshipers have probably never heard of before.  Seeing members of the Catholic Lawyers' Guild, Regnum Christi or Scalabrinians with the Cardinal gives one the impression that the Catholic Church is healthy and vibrant which it is not.  In fact, much of what we see on the blog is a result of having a captive audience.  Cardinal O'Malley attends events that usually attract people who seem easily impressed with titles and view him as something of a celebrity.

At times, the Cardinal himself focuses on “celebrity” by cozying up to the rich and powerful regardless of their views on the Church.  A post describing a gala to benefit an inner-city scholarship fund showed our state's socially liberal governor in attendance.  Candinal O'Malley wrote:  “We were also pleasantly surprised by a visit from Governor Charlie Baker.  He spoke very highly of the contributions that Catholic schools make to the Commonwealth and commended the work of the Catholic Schools Foundation.”  I wonder if Governor Baker appreciates the moral values these schools try to impart to their students?  Also on this post was a photo of the Cardinal schmoozing with billionaire owner of the New England Patriots, Bob Kraft.

Another blog entry featured a discussion on the treatment of immigrants.  (When the hierarchy uses the word “immigrants” they usually mean illegal immigrants.)  Among the participants Cardinal O'Malley invited to the Cathedral of the Holy Cross was Boston Mayor Marty Walsh.  The city leader may call himself Catholic, but he's been a strong advocate of the left and was even a guest speaker at a local Planned Parenthood rally last fall.

In 2009, the Cardinal blogged about his decision to give Senator Ted Kennedy a Catholic funeral.  The far-left politician had vigorously pushed a liberal agenda that made the world increasingly hostile to those of us who embraced Catholic values.  Yet when diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, Senator Kennedy came crawling back to the Church.  He never publicly apologized for his very visible support of abortion and other liberal causes over the years, though.  The senator got a grand Catholic funeral fit for a modern-day saint.  It's sad when the hierarchy looks the other way in situations like these because there are many devout but humble Catholics who never get recognized for their faithfulness.

While reading Cardinal O'Malley's blog, you get the impression he's a very busy guy.  In addition to the numerous Masses, galas, dedications and conferences he attends, there are also posts about his occasional trips to Rome and other exotic locales.  Some speculate he's being groomed to be Pope.  It makes me think all these commitments are a distraction from the real work that still needs to be done within the Archdiocese.  My former pastor was fond of saying, “A good shepherd takes on the smell of the sheep.”  This means a good spiritual leader is so close to his flock, he is aware of their concerns, conflicts, and desires.  If the Cardinal is too busy attending fancy galas where he's surrounded by flatterers and the well-connected, does he really know us at all?

Blogging's Broken Record

If you search many of the blogs and articles about single Catholics you'll probably encounter comments from a reader named Larry Bud who sometimes goes by Uncle Fester.  After reading a piece from U.S. Catholic entitled Flying solo: Life as a single Catholic, I decided to post a link to Long Lost Black Sheep just to let people know they weren't alone.  From there, Larry Bud found my blog and decided to comment on a semi-regular basis.  While I welcomed the discussion, he seemed very abrasive.  After checking out his comments on other sites, some readers came to this conclusion too.  It wasn't so much what Larry Bud said but how he said it and if his remarks rubbed people the wrong way, he felt it was their problem.  When challenged, he tended to cut the debate short by bowing out of the discussion.  We had gone back and forth several times until he decided to stop commenting on my blog altogether.

Larry Bud once suggested I read his comments from other blogs so he wouldn't have to repeat himself.  What I found was one theory repeated over and over again like a broken record.  According to him, the Catholic Church was in decline because parishes no longer served as social networks where parishioners felt they were part of a community.  He said mixers, dances, carnivals and other gatherings gave singles an opportunity to meet each other without the pressure of a narrowly-focused singles ministry that was doomed to fail.  He also stated your parents and grandparents likely met each other at these parish-wide gatherings which according to him, fell out of favor sometime in the 1980s.  Perhaps there is some truth to Larry Bud's hypothesis but an experience at my former parish last month leads me to believe there's more to it than that.

St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly hosted a free “jazz brunch” after the 10:45 AM Mass and when I told a friend about it, he wanted to go.  Apparently it was something of a Mardi Gras celebration.  At best, the gathering would feature breakfast foods like pancakes and eggs along with actual jazz musicians.  At worst, there would be coffee and donuts with the “jazz” performed by old white guys from the parish.

We arrived at the church's function hall early so Mass was still going on upstairs.  A few volunteers were setting up the food which consisted of mini subs, cookies and pastries.  I think they forgot the “b” in brunch stood for breakfast.  On the tables were Mardi Gras beads and in one corner were items for a silent auction.  People started to trickle in after Mass but only a small percentage of the congregation actually attended.  My friend and I sat at a smaller table by ourselves but almost immediately, an elderly lady sat right next to us.  She chatted up a storm and occasionally gave me pats on the arm and shoulder.  Argh!  The “jazz” band were indeed old white guys from the parish who played dixieland.

Almost all of the attendees were elderly or families.  When a handful of people my age arrived, they sat by themselves and left after about twenty minutes.  One woman from this group used to run our parish's young adult ministry several years ago and was fully aware of my struggles as a Catholic single.  Not once did she say hi or introduce me to her friends.  Am I really that invisible?  In fact, no one from St. Mary's wondered why my mother and I had stopped attending Mass here.  Therein lies the flaw in Larry Bud's theory.  Parish-wide events don't automatically create social networks or a sense of community.  St. Mary's has had many all-inclusive gatherings over the years but when singles like me attend, we still feel disconnected because we just can't find what we're looking for.

Larry Bud is vehemently against singles ministries and matchmaking events because he feels they don't work.  I think the reason they come up short is the same reason why all-inclusive parish gatherings seem so lame nowadays.  There just aren't enough singles or younger people attending Mass in the first place.  Society has become more skeptical and spiritually lazy so churches cannot count on a large number of worshipers to be active in parish life anymore.  This could explain why those all-inclusive gatherings have dropped off in the past few decades.  (Perhaps the same handful of volunteers who set up these events get tired of having to do all the work.)

There's nothing inherently wrong with ministries that target certain segments of the population.  An elderly widow will have very different spiritual needs than a young couple starting a family.  Several years ago, the Archdiocese of Boston held a regional gathering for young adults that attracted singles from many different parishes.  Had the event featured something more than prayers and lectures, I think it could have done wonders to bring those seeking marriage together.

If you can't find your fellow Catholic singles at Mass, chances are you won't be able to find them at a hokey parish function inundated with kids and the elderly.  My mother had to look beyond her church to find a spouse because she just wasn't compatible with any of the Catholic men in the neighborhood.  This is what can happen when we limit the dating pool to the local level.  My hometown is filled with far too many small-minded people so even if parish activities at St. Mary's were well-attended by every age group, it's doubtful there would be anyone there for me.