More Of The Same

Bishop Mark O'Connell had recommended I check out a weekly summer reading group at his parish because there were a few 40 year olds who regularly attended.  The meetings targeted millennials but everyone was welcome.  Participants read and discussed chapters from the book What Catholics Really Believe by Karl Keating.  I decided to take him up on the offer but doubts lingered in the back of my mind.

A sign inside the lobby of St. Theresa's said "Calling All Millennials" and directed me to a small conference room.  Sitting at the table were an elderly couple, a guy in his 60s and the instructor who was also older.  A married woman in her 30s arrived a little later.  Everyone was friendly and we had a nice discussion while reading about purgatory but the group wasn't exactly what I was looking for.  The instructor did say two women in their 40s usually joined them but both were married.  Just my luck!  I sent the bishop an e-mail a few days later to let him know I probably wouldn't be attending any more of these meetings.

The visit had me thinking about an experience at my former parish, St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly.  A few years ago, I asked Deacon Joens why our church didn't have anything geared towards older singles.  Even though the young adult group's age limit was 35, he suggested I attend saying, "No one is checking IDs at the door."  Except for the instructor, everyone there was much younger and I felt very awkward.  The deacon dropped by for a few minutes to say hi but as the months passed, he never bothered to follow up with me.  Eventually, the group was quietly disbanded due to a lack of young adults.  Did anyone care I had nowhere to go in my own church?  Apparently not because as the months passed, the parish website continued to promote the young adult group as an active ministry.

It's very easy for people to give Catholic singles "helpful" advice when they have nothing at stake.  In my e-mail to Bishop O'Connell, I said people like me just aren't a priority.  To help him understand what many Catholic singes had to endure, I added two links:

One was for the blog The Hidden Faithful:
https://thehiddenfaithful.wordpress.com/

The other was to an article entitled How Churches Today Abandon Christian Singles:
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single

I told the bishop to pay particular attention to the comments section on each site but he never sent a response.  Why am I not surprised?  While many within the Church joyfully promote vocations to the priesthood and religious life, no one seems to lose any sleep thinking about how lonely Catholic singles are.  Just kick the can down the road as months, years and even decades pass by.

A while ago, someone told me the young adult group at St. Mary's was back and they extended the age range to include people in their 40s.  Their Facebook page had photos of many young people enjoying themselves at a pub but an event page showed some incredibly low numbers so I contacted the woman who ran the ministry to learn more.  She admitted they were struggling as a group with attendance as high as 15 but usually hovering around 5.  The number of single, married, dating, men and women were evenly split.  Ages ranged from college students to people in their 30s with most of the over 40 crowd bowing out after having been members for awhile.  Perhaps they felt out of place?

She said St. Mary's also had a men's prayer group, mixed bible study and daily Eucharistic adoration.  I wondered to myself how any of these ministries would help me as a Catholic single.  She even suggested I try to find a Theology on Tap group.  Bishop O'Connell had recommended this too saying there was a Theology on Tap in Ayer, MA with a nice middle aged crowd.  I e-mailed the woman who ran that group and explained my situation.  She replied, "I don't think we fully meet what you are looking for, but it is the same reason we continue to have a strong TOT group 8 years later.  We weigh more toward the older and married side of things."  Ayer is a long drive for a gathering that probably wouldn't meet my expectations.

I don't think the Catholic Church knows what to do with older singles like me which is a shame because we need our religion to be there for us.  Rejecting the hookup culture of secular society makes finding a spouse incredibly difficult.  Being shuffled around to different ministries that don't quite address our concerns is not the answer.

A Choice For The Archdiocese

My continued discussion with Bishop Mark O'Connell expanded upon the remaining topics I had brought up during his visit to my church.  It started to rain and the low rumble of thunder interrupted our conversation a few times.  Was that another omen?

I bluntly told the bishop with all the difficulties facing the Catholic Church, the hierarchy had a choice: ignore what people like me had to say and watch more parishes wither away or listen to our concerns and try to change course.  I gave several examples where the Boston Archdiocese's arrogance had turned people off.  Instead of being warm and caring, the hierarchy hid behind well-paid lawyers and spokespeople.  A skeptical public sees right through this.  I felt the Archdiocese desperately needed a passionate leader because Cardinal Sean O'Malley seemed too cold and reserved.

When I mentioned how the closure of St. Frances Xavier Cabrini in Scituate was mishandled, the bishop agreed but he commended Cardinal O'Malley for not kicking parishioners out when they held a continuous vigil in that church for over ten years.  I thought if the cardinal had been willing to listen, the controversy never would have happened to begin with.  Trauma from the first wave of church closures ran deep.  Our religion places a lot of importance on creating beautiful houses of worship.  (Just look at the Vatican.)  At my former parish, priests and laity alike would say how beautiful our church was.  Even Cardinal O'Malley's blog praised the recent renovations at St. Mary the Annunciation in Danvers.  Yet, when houses of worship have to close, the hierarchy does an about-face saying, “The church is the people not the building.”

We talked more about needless renovations.  Bishop O'Connell had actually served at St. Mary's in Danvers during the 1990s.  When the parish created a parking lot a couple of years ago, they tore down a beloved Victorian which further alienated the community.  A plan to save the house was ignored by the pastor and another opportunity to show average citizens our faith's compassion and gentleness was lost.  This same stubbornness resurfaced at my former parish in Beverly when the pastor there tore up a cherished garden for a parking lot that parishioners never asked for.

Then I explained how the collaborative plan in Beverly was faltering.  In fact, it was our new pastor's attitude that sent my mother and me looking for a new church.  I told the bishop we weren't living in the dark ages anymore.  If a priest does something wrong, it's unrealistic to believe parishioners will simply follow him with blind obedience.

We both didn't know how to reach the younger generation.  A summer reading group meant for St. Theresa's millennials only attracted older parishioners.  I said many young people today completely dismissed religion and the Church's position on gay marriage was a big wedge issue for millennials.  The bishop thought the Church's teachings weren't fully understood and that's why he wanted to reach out to more people including those who felt marginalized.

We had a lot to say about the sex scandal.  I challenged the Church to do more to satisfy the concerns of victims.  Bishop O'Connell said not all of the accused priests were guilty so there had to be a balance between total transparency and protecting the lives of innocent priests.  Both sides had done things to cause mistrust and that included taking some of the bishop's own statements out of context to portray him as uncaring.  While many in America thought Cardinal Law was a fugitive from justice, Rome believed his resignation and reassignment to a lowly position was punishment.  Bishop O'Connell raised many interesting points I had never heard before because the Archdiocese's approach for so long has been to keep silent.

I suggested the Church do exactly what we were doing right now: have more open, honest and respectful conversations...with everyone.  Reach out to victims groups despite past suspicions.  Stop seeing websites like BishopAccountability.org and Boston Catholic Insider as threats because exposing corruption was their way of trying to make the Church stronger.  People respect honesty and when you speak the truth, you don't have to worry about what deceptive thing a spokesperson said three months ago.  I asked the bishop if he could go on local TV and talk about the sex scandal the way he was talking to me.  He said Cardinal O'Malley probably wouldn't have a problem with it but others who handled public relations might.  What a shame because I think in these times, there was a real hunger for honesty.

We spoke for two hours and during that time, Bishop O'Connell appeared to be very sincere.  He appreciated my strong faith but I told him my faith felt very weak.  I was angry with God for sending me down such an uncertain path.  Then I asked if anyone else had brought up similar concerns during his Q and A sessions at other parishes.  He replied, “You're unique.”  Before we wrapped things up, I wondered what would happen to the information he collected at these meetings.  The bishop said he didn't have the authority to change things on his own but if Cardinal O'Malley called on him, he would definitely share what we had discussed.  I found this to be somewhat disheartening.  How much longer would I have to wait for changes that should have happened many years ago?

The Next Step?

During the question and answer session with Bishop Mark O'Connell, he suggested we stay in touch because there might be some things he could do to help with my struggles as a single Catholic.  I sent him an e-mail a few days later and asked what the next step was.  The bishop was also pastor of St. Theresa of Lisieux in Reading, MA so he invited me to meet him there to continue the conservation.  After contacting his secretary, she scheduled an appointment for early August.  It was wonderful that someone from the hierarchy was actually willing to listen and perhaps learn.  I hoped some good would come from all this.

St. Theresa's had pared down architecture that was typical of modern churches.  It was set back from the main road so I drove by the place and had to make a u-turn.  I parked next to the rectory which looked liked your average suburban home.  After ringing the doorbell, a secretary greeted me and then led me to a small waiting room.  On a table was a large white bible so I decided to open it to a random page and place my finger on a passage without looking.  I landed on “Then sometimes the priests take the silver and gold from their gods and spend it on themselves or give part of it to the harlots on the terrace.”  Was this some sort of omen?  Bishop O'Connell popped in to say hi for a moment because he was running late.  I looked around the room and noticed a picture on the wall of St. Theresa's done in pencil.

About ten minutes later, the bishop returned after locating his cell phone and we walked to a nearby conference room that looked like it had once been a living room.  I had no idea where to begin so Bishop O'Connell asked me about my life.  I mentioned being a caregiver for my parents, the struggle to find a steady career and some of the volunteer work I've performed over the years.  He said it sounded like my life was in a rut.  No argument there but I was disappointed he seemed to dismiss the value of my sacrifices.  Don't we often hear sermons about taking up your cross no matter the burden?  This line of questioning was really off-putting so I suggested we focus on issues relating to the Church itself.  After all, women might not find some of my life choices to be very appealing but if there are no eligible members of the opposite sex around in the first place, my shortcomings were moot.

Again, I wondered why there was little help for Catholic singles.  The Boston Archdiocese used to have lectures, retreats and even boat cruises for young adults.  Bishop O'Connell said they still do but I needed to stop using the term young adult since I wasn't one.  His brusqueness surprised me because referring to myself as a young adult appeared to be a subconscious habit since my congregation was filled with so many elderly parishioners.  This misstep in the conversation reminded me of the time my former pastor nitpicked me for calling the young adult group at our church the youth group.  He knew what I meant so why not just get to the heart of the matter?

I told the bishop many priests actually discouraged singles with a calling to be married because they didn't want fellowship events to become “meat markets.”  He seemed amused by that slang term so I said it sometimes appeared on blogs about Catholic singles.  Then I asked if he had ever read any of those blogs.  Bishop O'Connell said no because he wasn't single.  How dispiriting.  To help solve this problem, priests should at the very least be willing to familiarize themselves with our struggles and a good way to do that is to read what other single Catholics have to say.

When I suggested the Church take bold steps to encourage matchmaking like giving away online dating memberships, he balked at the idea.  I asked where the harm was since the Church often threw money out the window on some truly wasteful expenditures.  God forbid lonely Catholic singles actually find dates, get married, have kids and help renew the faith.  Bishop O'Connell did say St. Theresa's had a group that met on Monday evenings and there were a few people in their 40s who regularly attended.  He suggested I check it out.

Sadly, I could see our conversation on Catholic singles wasn't turning out to be very productive so I decided to switch gears and discuss many of the other issues facing the Church that I had mentioned during the Q and A session.