The Lost Are Still Lost

It's been a little over three months since my parish hosted a question and answer session with Regional Bishop Mark O'Connell.  I had put myself out there by discussing the struggles single Catholics face and telling everyone how lost I felt.  Sadly, nothing has changed.

The simplest action our clergy could take is to acknowledge our existence.  During the Q and A session, the bishop and some of my parish priests heard me ask why no one ever publicly prayed for people like me at Mass yet singles seeking marriage continue to be left off the lengthy list of intentions.  It makes me wonder what my priests see when they spot me sitting in the pews with my mother each week.  Can't they tell how lonely I am?

My parish does have some joyful and sincere men of the cloth but lately a typical sermon tends to boil down to this:  “Every one of us has hardships in life.  Sometimes we are sad and feel like failures but we should rejoice because Jesus loves us.”  You know what?  I need more than that.

Despite Bishop O'Connell describing my conversation as humbling, he hasn't openly addressed the plight of Catholic singles either.  His parish's weekly bulletin highlights many “nuts and bolts” topics regarding the operation of his parish.  That's to be expected but he has also touched upon some pretty trivial matters like why parishioners at St. Theresa's kneel at certain times during Mass or what the symbols on a bishop's ring stand for.  You'd think in between all of this, he could mention some of the issues we discussed.

To my surprise, Bishop O'Connell was featured in the October 10th edition of The Salem News.  The newspaper article began with a short biography but then it focused on increasing vocations to the priesthood.  The reporter asked, “So what is the archdiocese doing to persuade single Catholic men that they too can find joy in service as priests?”  I found this question to be hurtful because it failed to recognize the fact that there are single Catholics with a very different calling in life...one that DOES NOT include a vocation to the priesthood.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/bishop-reach-out-to-lapsed-catholics/article_33cf4980-656f-5f06-966e-bd61886b0a66.htm

“We're not doing enough,” Bishop O'Connell said adding that some parishes have witness talks for men contemplating the seminary and the Archdiocese itself has a full time vocations director and two assistant directors.  The article asserted, “During the last couple of decades, the archdiocese has closed numerous parishes due to the declining number of priests.”  So dwindling Mass attendance and expensive maintenance issues had nothing to do with it?

The bishop suggested each parish had a responsibility to promote priestly vocations adding, “If we could ordain 12 priests a year, we could sustain all of the parishes.”  He continued, “If every parish produced one vocation every 17 years we would be fine.”  I just could not agree with this rosy assessment.  Even if all the parishes within the Archdiocese met that quota, would these new priests be saying Mass in empty churches?

Cited in the newspaper column was a 2014 Pew Research Center study that said the number of church-going Americans dropped slightly from 2007.  I predict this decline will increase exponentially over the next ten years as more and more elderly parishioners pass away.  If the hierarchy focuses on solving the priest shortage but fails to adequately address the Church's other problems, we will not be fine.

I told Bishop O'Connell this during the Q and A session and my long talk with him at St. Theresa's but you'd never know it by reading that article.  Once again, priestly vocations are given top priority while singles who yearn for a spouse aren't even worth mentioning.  I'm left to wonder why so many priests hear but they do not listen.

A Choice For The Archdiocese

My continued discussion with Bishop Mark O'Connell expanded upon the remaining topics I had brought up during his visit to my church.  It started to rain and the low rumble of thunder interrupted our conversation a few times.  Was that another omen?

I bluntly told the bishop with all the difficulties facing the Catholic Church, the hierarchy had a choice: ignore what people like me had to say and watch more parishes wither away or listen to our concerns and try to change course.  I gave several examples where the Boston Archdiocese's arrogance had turned people off.  Instead of being warm and caring, the hierarchy hid behind well-paid lawyers and spokespeople.  A skeptical public sees right through this.  I felt the Archdiocese desperately needed a passionate leader because Cardinal Sean O'Malley seemed too cold and reserved.

When I mentioned how the closure of St. Frances Xavier Cabrini in Scituate was mishandled, the bishop agreed but he commended Cardinal O'Malley for not kicking parishioners out when they held a continuous vigil in that church for over ten years.  I thought if the cardinal had been willing to listen, the controversy never would have happened to begin with.  Trauma from the first wave of church closures ran deep.  Our religion places a lot of importance on creating beautiful houses of worship.  (Just look at the Vatican.)  At my former parish, priests and laity alike would say how beautiful our church was.  Even Cardinal O'Malley's blog praised the recent renovations at St. Mary the Annunciation in Danvers.  Yet, when houses of worship have to close, the hierarchy does an about-face saying, “The church is the people not the building.”

We talked more about needless renovations.  Bishop O'Connell had actually served at St. Mary's in Danvers during the 1990s.  When the parish created a parking lot a couple of years ago, they tore down a beloved Victorian which further alienated the community.  A plan to save the house was ignored by the pastor and another opportunity to show average citizens our faith's compassion and gentleness was lost.  This same stubbornness resurfaced at my former parish in Beverly when the pastor there tore up a cherished garden for a parking lot that parishioners never asked for.

Then I explained how the collaborative plan in Beverly was faltering.  In fact, it was our new pastor's attitude that sent my mother and me looking for a new church.  I told the bishop we weren't living in the dark ages anymore.  If a priest does something wrong, it's unrealistic to believe parishioners will simply follow him with blind obedience.

We both didn't know how to reach the younger generation.  A summer reading group meant for St. Theresa's millennials only attracted older parishioners.  I said many young people today completely dismissed religion and the Church's position on gay marriage was a big wedge issue for millennials.  The bishop thought the Church's teachings weren't fully understood and that's why he wanted to reach out to more people including those who felt marginalized.

We had a lot to say about the sex scandal.  I challenged the Church to do more to satisfy the concerns of victims.  Bishop O'Connell said not all of the accused priests were guilty so there had to be a balance between total transparency and protecting the lives of innocent priests.  Both sides had done things to cause mistrust and that included taking some of the bishop's own statements out of context to portray him as uncaring.  While many in America thought Cardinal Law was a fugitive from justice, Rome believed his resignation and reassignment to a lowly position was punishment.  Bishop O'Connell raised many interesting points I had never heard before because the Archdiocese's approach for so long has been to keep silent.

I suggested the Church do exactly what we were doing right now: have more open, honest and respectful conversations...with everyone.  Reach out to victims groups despite past suspicions.  Stop seeing websites like BishopAccountability.org and Boston Catholic Insider as threats because exposing corruption was their way of trying to make the Church stronger.  People respect honesty and when you speak the truth, you don't have to worry about what deceptive thing a spokesperson said three months ago.  I asked the bishop if he could go on local TV and talk about the sex scandal the way he was talking to me.  He said Cardinal O'Malley probably wouldn't have a problem with it but others who handled public relations might.  What a shame because I think in these times, there was a real hunger for honesty.

We spoke for two hours and during that time, Bishop O'Connell appeared to be very sincere.  He appreciated my strong faith but I told him my faith felt very weak.  I was angry with God for sending me down such an uncertain path.  Then I asked if anyone else had brought up similar concerns during his Q and A sessions at other parishes.  He replied, “You're unique.”  Before we wrapped things up, I wondered what would happen to the information he collected at these meetings.  The bishop said he didn't have the authority to change things on his own but if Cardinal O'Malley called on him, he would definitely share what we had discussed.  I found this to be somewhat disheartening.  How much longer would I have to wait for changes that should have happened many years ago?

The Next Step?

During the question and answer session with Bishop Mark O'Connell, he suggested we stay in touch because there might be some things he could do to help with my struggles as a single Catholic.  I sent him an e-mail a few days later and asked what the next step was.  The bishop was also pastor of St. Theresa of Lisieux in Reading, MA so he invited me to meet him there to continue the conservation.  After contacting his secretary, she scheduled an appointment for early August.  It was wonderful that someone from the hierarchy was actually willing to listen and perhaps learn.  I hoped some good would come from all this.

St. Theresa's had pared down architecture that was typical of modern churches.  It was set back from the main road so I drove by the place and had to make a u-turn.  I parked next to the rectory which looked liked your average suburban home.  After ringing the doorbell, a secretary greeted me and then led me to a small waiting room.  On a table was a large white bible so I decided to open it to a random page and place my finger on a passage without looking.  I landed on “Then sometimes the priests take the silver and gold from their gods and spend it on themselves or give part of it to the harlots on the terrace.”  Was this some sort of omen?  Bishop O'Connell popped in to say hi for a moment because he was running late.  I looked around the room and noticed a picture on the wall of St. Theresa's done in pencil.

About ten minutes later, the bishop returned after locating his cell phone and we walked to a nearby conference room that looked like it had once been a living room.  I had no idea where to begin so Bishop O'Connell asked me about my life.  I mentioned being a caregiver for my parents, the struggle to find a steady career and some of the volunteer work I've performed over the years.  He said it sounded like my life was in a rut.  No argument there but I was disappointed he seemed to dismiss the value of my sacrifices.  Don't we often hear sermons about taking up your cross no matter the burden?  This line of questioning was really off-putting so I suggested we focus on issues relating to the Church itself.  After all, women might not find some of my life choices to be very appealing but if there are no eligible members of the opposite sex around in the first place, my shortcomings were moot.

Again, I wondered why there was little help for Catholic singles.  The Boston Archdiocese used to have lectures, retreats and even boat cruises for young adults.  Bishop O'Connell said they still do but I needed to stop using the term young adult since I wasn't one.  His brusqueness surprised me because referring to myself as a young adult appeared to be a subconscious habit since my congregation was filled with so many elderly parishioners.  This misstep in the conversation reminded me of the time my former pastor nitpicked me for calling the young adult group at our church the youth group.  He knew what I meant so why not just get to the heart of the matter?

I told the bishop many priests actually discouraged singles with a calling to be married because they didn't want fellowship events to become “meat markets.”  He seemed amused by that slang term so I said it sometimes appeared on blogs about Catholic singles.  Then I asked if he had ever read any of those blogs.  Bishop O'Connell said no because he wasn't single.  How dispiriting.  To help solve this problem, priests should at the very least be willing to familiarize themselves with our struggles and a good way to do that is to read what other single Catholics have to say.

When I suggested the Church take bold steps to encourage matchmaking like giving away online dating memberships, he balked at the idea.  I asked where the harm was since the Church often threw money out the window on some truly wasteful expenditures.  God forbid lonely Catholic singles actually find dates, get married, have kids and help renew the faith.  Bishop O'Connell did say St. Theresa's had a group that met on Monday evenings and there were a few people in their 40s who regularly attended.  He suggested I check it out.

Sadly, I could see our conversation on Catholic singles wasn't turning out to be very productive so I decided to switch gears and discuss many of the other issues facing the Church that I had mentioned during the Q and A session.

A Talk With The Bishop: Part 2

Bishop Mark O'Connell addressed most of my concerns sometimes going into great detail if it was a topic he was familiar with.  He started off by saying, “I feel your pain.”  (I took that comment with a grain of salt.)

Regarding the struggles of singles like me, he said there were a number of Catholic dating websites out there and perhaps I needed to take the lead on this.  When he suggested trying to form my own group, I reminded him of the failed efforts at my former parish.  Bishop O'Connell advised me not to give up so easily because only one priest had rejected my idea.  (Actually it was three pastors in a row.)  He said I might have to start visiting other parishes to find compatible Catholic singles.  One of my priests who was sitting in the pews gave me a nervous smile because he didn't want to lose me as a parishioner.  Then the bishop suggested we could get together in the near future to discuss this subject in greater detail.

Bishop O'Connell admitted some priests were just plain “nuts” but there was little that could be done since having an odd personality wasn't grounds for dismissal.  He only touched upon the topic of needless church renovations by saying he knew St. Mary's of the Annunciation had planned a few improvements like a new parking lot but for some reason they decided to redo the entire church.

On the new collaborative plan, he was aware the pastor at my former parish had spread himself too thin by not eliminating some of the Masses at all three churches.  I felt there was more to the issue than that but said nothing.  Earlier in the Q and A session, the bishop explained how there were too many churches in the Boston Archdiocese but closing many of them had caused a surprising amount of hate to be directed at Cardinal O'Malley who felt so hurt, he vowed not to close anymore churches for the time being.

A lot of thought was given to the new collaborative plan.  Was it working?  Bishop O'Connell said in order to avert a priest shortage down the road, each parish needed to supply the Archdiocese with a certain number of new priests but so far, that wasn't happening despite the emphasis on priestly vocations. 

The bishop had a lot to say about the sex abuse scandal because he was very much involved with making sure something like that never happened again.  Before 2002, there were no canon laws on how to deal with abusive priests.  He spent many years helping to change that.  Bishop O'Connell said the Church had feared scandal so much, they kept reports of abuse quiet.  However, it was like trying to hold a beach ball underwater.  The more they pushed down, the harder it became to control until everything just erupted.  He assured us the Church was in a much better position to prevent abuse and it was his hope people 100 years from now would look back on those dark times as something that was terrible but long in the past.  I silently wondered if the Church would still be around in 100 years.

Bishop O'Connell agreed with my point about aging congregations and said elderly parishioners were keeping the Church afloat since many Catholics just didn't care about their religion.  He noticed how parents would drop their kids off at CCD classes without ever going to Mass themselves.

After hearing me speak, a woman wondered what could be done to make church more appealing to young people because the enthusiasm she saw at those Steubenville Youth Conferences seemed to be short-lived.  The bishop admitted some parishes made our young people feel unwelcome  He said that back in the day CYOs often fostered fellowship.

The Q and A session wrapped up with Bishop O'Connell thanking us for a thoughtful discussion.  One of my priests praised our sincerity and candor.  The bishop gave me his card so we could continue the discussion.  As I started to leave, a handful of old people stopped to talk to me.  They appreciated my comments and some said they would pray for me.  I politely thanked them but wondered to myself why there were never any women my age at events like this.  I had certainly put myself out there.

The following week, my priest thanked me again for sharing my concerns.  The week after that, an elderly woman who had attended the Q and A session walked up to me before Mass with sad eyes and asked if I was doing alright.  Such sympathy was incredibly awkward but after church we talked some more and joked about it.  Alas, I wasn't looking for a pity party, just a helping hand.

A Talk With The Bishop: Part 1

When it was my turn to speak during the question and answer session with Bishop Mark O'Connell, I asked for the microphone and said, "I have a lot to get off my chest but I will be respectful."  I then expressed the hope that we could all be respectful to each other no matter what our concerns were.

Without having any idea how I would say everything that was on my mind, the spirit seemed to move me.  I spoke with just a couple of pauses and touched upon most of my concerns.  The bishop listened intently and only added his thoughts a few times.  There were three topics that my discussion focused on: Catholic singles, the priest sex abuse scandal, and the hierarchy.

I started off by talking about my first parish, St. John's in Beverly and how that church's interior was needlessly renovated.  Spending money in frivolous ways was a pattern seen in a lot of parishes and I mentioned St. Mary of the Annunciation in the nearby town of Danvers.  That church spent a couple of million on so-called improvements that will do very little to bring young people to Mass.

I told everyone to take a look around the room and see how few young adults were here.  Then I wondered what would happen to this church in another couple of decades adding, "Am I going to be the only one sitting in these pews?" 

As a single person with a calling to be married, I said the Church did nothing for people like me.  The focus was on priestly vocations and not much else.  I mentioned how my priests ignored me after speaking to them about my desire to form a young adult group.  Then with a little bit of rage in my voice, I added, "And now I'm not even a young adult anymore.  I'm going to be 44 years old on Monday and I have never had a girlfriend.  Weekend after weekend goes by and I find myself alone."  Touching upon my college years at a very liberal school, I said defending Catholic values has only made me an outcast.

I told the bishop that the hierarchy came across as being out of touch.  When the Archdiocese of Boston first learned of sexually abusive priests, they should have put a stop to it immediately.  Instead the cover up and scandal drove many parishioners away.  When abuse victims protested outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Cardinal Sean O'Malley should have spoken with them face to face instead of turning his back.  For all the talk of transparency and zero tolerance, we are still seeing people resign in disgust from the Church's own abuse commissions.

I said the Archdiocese's new collaborative plan wasn't really working.  At my former parish, collections went down because our new pastor was more administrator than shepherd.  The earlier wave of church closures had also driven many Catholics away in anger.  Those buildings may have needed to be closed but the cardinal could have met with parishioners one on one instead of being cold and arrogant.  Whenever the Church failed to act in a Christ-like manner, it ultimately hurt the faith.

I asked how the people in the pews were supposed to evangelize an increasingly skeptical public when the Archdiocese's own arrogance undermined us.  Even most of the nuns from my high school could have been friendlier but they chose to be mean instead and that makes people like me run in the other direction.  My talk concluded with one short statement that carried a lot of weight: "I have never felt so lost."

Since my primary concern was getting out all my frustrations, I think I only looked at the bishop once or twice.  Everything seemed to flow really well with one topic merging into another.  Now I waited to hear Bishop Mark O'Connell's response.

The Meek Shall Inherit God Knows What

Last month, my parish hosted a question and answer session with our regional bishop.  The event targeted confused and lapsed Catholics but anyone was welcome to be a part of this “non-judgmental” conversation.  With so many concerns about the current state of the Church and the plight of older Catholic singles, how could I not attend?

The previous regional bishop had visited our church a couple of times but when I spoke to him after Mass, he didn't take my concerns too seriously.  Having someone from the hierarchy actually seek out a dialogue with those of us in the pews was a refreshing change of pace.

When I arrived for the Q and A session, the 5:30 PM Mass with Bishop Mark O'Connell was running late.  The church was unusually packed because many people had come from other parishes just to see the bishop.  After Mass, he exchanged greetings with the departing crowd and at least one person posed for a photograph with him.  I wondered if the bishop's celebrity status gave him an inaccurate impression of our congregation's numbers and its struggles.

After the church emptied out, a few dozen parishioners remained for the Q and A session.  Except for a boy who had come with his parents, I was the youngest person in the room.  Very discouraging!  Bishop O'Connell told us a little about himself and said a microphone was available if anyone had a lot to say.  An older gentleman started things off by asking what a vicar was.  Another parishioner wondered why some people held hands during the Our Father while others lifted their hands up in the air.  With all the problems plaguing the Church, this is what was people cared about?

As the discussion continued, someone wondered if the Archdiocese's new collaborative plan was spreading priests too thin.  A woman asked why the annulment process was painfully complicated.  These questions were alright but I found myself wondering why many Catholics tend to shun critical thinking.  The Archdiocese of Boston has done some pretty unchristian things over the years and those actions have seriously damaged an already weakened religion.  If we are supposed to call out evil in all its forms, why do so many devout Catholics turn a blind eye when hypocrisy, arrogance, corruption and lies come from the hierarchy itself?

Most of my fellow parishioners just go with the flow for fear of being disobedient but how fruitful can a church be if it's filled with timid people?  In a sermon from a few years ago, one of my priests asked his congregation why a large percentage of Catholics didn't stand up for their religion once they stepped outside the church doors.  Well, if you promote a culture of subservience, this is exactly the kind of harvest you'll reap.  Standing up to injustice requires courage and passion.  Blind obedience doesn't.

Look at how some priests talk of suffering.  They say it's a gift from God.  They tell us not to complain or be sad because we should accept it gracefully.  Really?  If nobody got angry about a hardship then there wouldn't be much motivation to do something about it.  It seems like the Church wants us to be passionate about our faith but not too passionate lest we call out the hierarchy when they do something wrong.

Even many of the Catholic blogs and websites I've read refuse to look inward for fear of being disobedient.  The disclaimer at St. Blog (an online clearing house for Catholic blogs) asks members to “recognize and respect the Magisterium of the Church and be obedient to the Pope and authorities under him.  After all, without those, you aren't really Catholic are you?”  Actually, there are times when not asking the uncomfortable questions makes you less of a Christian.  Sometimes Jesus was as gentle as a dove and turned the other cheek.  Sometimes He rebuked the Pharisees, toppled tables, and kicked the moneychangers out of the temple.

When I see pews filled only with meek old people, I question whether the hierarchy’s approach over the past few generations has served the Church well in the long term.  Ask yourself what will become of these parishes in a couple of decades?

The Q and A session with Bishop Mark O'Connell was half over so I could no longer be silent.  After raising my hand, I asked one of the priests for a microphone adding, “I have a lot to get off my chest...”