The Gentle God

I got word this month that Father Hebert Jones passed away on June 30^th at the age of 91. I knew him as the pastor of the Carmelite Chapel at the Northshore Mall but he had a long and productive tenure as a priest which included assignments in South America.

When St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly formed a collaborative with the two other Catholic churches in town, our pastor decided to close the building during the summer because there was no air conditioning. We were encouraged to attend St. John the Evangelist instead but since my mother and I had already left that parish many years before, we weren't eager to return anytime soon. While looking for a new spiritual home for those summer months, we eventually found the Carmelite Chapel and were very happy with the elderly priests who ran the place.

Fr. Herbert had such a gentle way of speaking and his humble sermons were often thought-provoking and reflective ending with the simple phrase, “May God love you.” A few years later, the Carmelite's priests were set to retire and by the end of January 2016, a new religious order would take over the chapel. During one of Fr. Herbert's last Masses, I decided to record audio of his sermon and quite fittingly, the subject focused on the gentle nature of God. I printed it here in his honor:

“I'd like to ask a question and you can think about it. Who is God to you? What is the image that you have of God when you think of Him? You're all here tonight. You're all here because we believe in God, obviously, but what...what is the image that we have of God?

For some it might be a judge...someone strict who is the creator of all and these things have to be done my way. Others, it might be a kindly grandfather. Others, it might be sort of an efficient businessman who's running this whole creation that He established. There's all different ideas that we might have of God. And that's why I'm hoping that you're all paying much attention to the three readings at this evening's Mass because it describes the qualities that should be in our mind when we think of God.

In the first reading, it tells about the compassion of God. The Prophet Isiah...we hear his language in which He's so kind. The Lord says to the people of Israel, 'Unto us today that we will not be called forsaken...damned...judged. Our land will not be called desolate, where we despair.'  Rather the Lord wants us...wants to call us delightful and loved. That whole first reading he has that gentle notion of God that we frequently don't associate with God.

In the second reading, which is a beautiful reading from St. Paul teaches us that the spirit gives us very different gifts and they're gifts that are useful. The gift of teaching. He words them so beautifully. He gives one the expression of wisdom. To another, the knowledge...according to the same spirit...the knowledge of wisdom. To another, faith coming from that same spirit. To another, the gifts of healing coming from that same spirit. One to do mighty deeds, is wise and can work for good...do good things. Another gift is the gift of prophecy...to know what's happening...to put things in their perspective...to have a clear image of what God expects from us. To another, discernment of spirits...who really knows how to figure out what God wants for us and discerning God's will in our lives. To another, the variety of tongues. Those who can speak many languages are so gifted. One of my young Carmelites speaks about eight languages and it's just incredible. Self taught...learned them all by himself. To another, he gives interpretation of tongues...to know what people are thinking even though we don't know what they're saying. I think that that is reputation of tongues even though I don't understand what's being said. Infrequently, someone will come to confession who doesn't speak English and they'll make a confession and you can sense the sense of repentance in their voice...in their tone of voice and you know that there has to be God's forgiveness. What more is necessary as to be attentive...to listen...to understand.

That same spirit of God that gives us all these gifts, that same spirit of God that gives them to us...to each individual. If we went through each one here, no two would be the same. Each one has his own personality...his own gifts...his own weaknesses because they're coming from God. It is our task...our struggle through life to know how to use them...to put them to good use...to make God's will effective in our lives. That image of God continues in the Gospel today. The marriage...the wedding feast at Cana. Here we have our blessed mother who's so close to God...probably as close as any human being has ever been. She's the one that senses the need of the young couple. They're running out of wine at a big feast. They're not going to be punished or maybe even criticized but the family's going to be ashamed that they didn't have the resources to attend their guests so it's our blessed mother who intercedes with her Son and tells Him, "Look, they have no wine."  And Christ said, “What's it to me?” but she knows in compassion that He'll respond to her concern. And she says, “Do whatever He tells you” and then we know the rest of the story. The water was changed into the best wine of the day. The compassion of God who always goes beyond our needs...beyond what we could imagine. His is aware of our needs and He responds.

And that's the image that we have to keep in mind of God. A gentle, loving, compassionate God who's aware of our weaknesses and our failures and our sins but He's not judging us. He's not ready to back away now that He's there to reach out a hand to help. That's what we should be thinking of when we think of God. And it's a beautiful image of our blessed mother who intercedes for us when she knows our needs. It's an excellent idea that we have to pray to the saints...to pray to the blessed mother particularly that she intercedes with her Son...and her voice is so powerful with her Son. God is the gentle God...a creator who is concerned about His creation...concerned about the life that He has put on this earth...concerned about how we use the gifts and the talents that He has given to us. So let us thank God. Let us thank Mary and that we will always be able to use these gifts...that we ourselves can be tender and compassionate with those around us. Let us pray that we become more open to that gentle spirit of God that becomes a part of our own life and we do away with the criticisms and the prejudices and the hatreds, the resentments that we allow to creep into our lives. That's not Godlike. He's compassion...gentle and loving. And that's the image of God that we should try to create in our own lives. May God love you.”

To my surprise, Fr. Herbert did return to the Carmelite Chapel every once in a great while just to help out and another of his sermons discussed death. Fr. Herbert thought it was a shame we didn't like to dwell on the subject because he felt we should prepare for that moment just as we prepared for the other great moments of our lives. He told us, to be Christian meant we needed to live the Gospel message and to make it real in our daily lives remembering that it's all part of the preparation for that moment when we are called into the presence of God. We should give of ourselves in some way to change the world in which we live. Fr. Herbert did just that in many humble and gentle ways.

Letting the Church Off the Hook

In April, local television station WBZ featured a story on an upsurge in attendance at area Catholic churches with the Boston Archdiocese reporting a 50% jump in people joining or rejoining the Church over the last four years. Apparently, this trend is driven mostly by younger adults. Parishioner Caroline Connly felt the scary political climate of today's day and age had young people longing for a sense of peace and community where they could put their trust in a higher power and feel more centered.

Archbishop Richard Henning noted the number of baptisms, confirmations and young people actively participating at Mass was “way up” in Boston. He said there wasn't one single reason for this since it seemed to be happening independently in so many places across the country. Archbishop Henning did speculate, “So I think this generation just seems open to the call of the Lord in a way that we've not seen in a while.”

Those words stung a bit because as a young person, I too was just as open to the call of the Lord but as the years passed, I felt more and more distant from my faith since there just wasn't a sense of community to be found in any of the parishes I belonged to. For me, being young and single meant feeling alone. Now that I'm older, I no longer matter in the eyes of the Church because they're too busy trying to court this new generation of worshippers.

Shortly after this WBZ report, the news program 60 Minutes aired a segment called Inside the Catholic Church's Quiet Revival. Again, it was stated the faith was seeing an increase in converts and packed churches with mostly Millennials and Gen Z leading the charge. Three prominent cardinals were interviewed for this story but none of them were sure why this sudden shift in attendance was happening. One cardinal speculated the Church's moral leaders might be inspiring young people and then he suggested Pope Leo was the right man for these times. Another cardinal felt young people had a deep hunger and they were turning to the Church for help with the meaning of life. He also thought there was a sense of "woundedness" with this generation and they were seeking healing. Whatever the reason might be, these cardinals said they were going to conduct surveys to better understand this trend.

60 Minutes reported that fewer and fewer adults were joining the Church in the early 2000s and the faith even saw decreases in weddings, baptisms and funerals. This downward spiral started to reverse itself around 2022 as more and more people joined the Church in record numbers. While the priest sex scandal certainly drove many people away, one of the cardinals interviewed said a number of other factors contributed to the Church's decline like increased secularization. He explained all religions saw a dip in attendance because there are so many more options on Sundays.

As someone who spent a great deal of time and effort trying to call attention to the plight of young adult Catholics without much success, I thought it was typical that these cardinals were pretty clueless about the root causes of this sudden surge in attendance. For decades, the leaders of the Catholic faith did very little to help young people find their way but now we're letting the Church off the hook because the problem seems to be fixing itself.

Before the hierarchy pats itself on the back, I think we need to see how this surge in church attendance will play out over the long haul. That WBZ story showed footage from two popular Boston churches: the relatively new Our Lady of the Good Voyage located in the trendy Seaport District and of course, the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, which attracts many faithful parishioners anyway. I can tell you with complete certainty, my parish has not seen an uptick in Mass attendance and there are no new young people in the pews either. If there's one church Archbishop Henning needs to visit it's mine so he can see for himself that not all parishes have benefited from this resurgence. WBZ also recorded their footage during Easter which is a time when even sparsely attended churches see large crowds.

The 60 Minutes report said according to the Pew Research Center, converts to the Catholic faith represent only about 8% of all Catholics so I'm not quite sure just how significant this revival will be in the grand scheme of things. As someone who was once a young adult Catholic, I've heard all the theories before. “The pendulum will swing back and young people will return to the Church.” “Teens are looking for morals in a secular world.” “Young people know something's not right with society and they're seeking moral clarity.” None of these comments ever panned out during my young adulthood. I also think we need to refrain from speaking for Gen Z because society often gets it wrong. In the 1990s, members of Generation X were labeled slackers. Now we're supposedly one of the most self-reliant age groups of all.

Unfortunately, the reason for this upward trend in church attendance is largely anecdotal and there's no shortage of opinions on the subject. Some say the internet is playing a big part with digital influencers convincing young people to give Mass a try. Other speculate Covid caused young adults to reevaluate what's important in their lives. Others still believe young people are fed up with dating apps and want to meet people at church. A few online comments even cite an exodus from the Evangelical faith for its support of Zionism. More than a few people say loneliness, particularly the loneliness of men is a factor. Some feel the Church's more conservative beliefs are behind this trend with a few people claiming, “If the Latin Mass returned, attendance would really take off.”

I'd urge caution when trying to make sense of all these theories because we know very little right now and if the Church proceeds in the wrong direction, it might alienate many of those young adults who have recently returned to Mass.

Where Is Everybody?

The month of May wound down with a good friend from high school returning to the area for an eight day visit. He talked about doing some fun things like going out to a bar or nightclub, attending a concert, hiking a trail in New Hampshire and treating my mother and me to a nice dinner at a local steakhouse but I knew not to get my hopes up. Experience showed that despite his best intentions, plans often got derailed by the demands of others and I'd be lucky to hang out with him for just a few hours.

While my friend might believe a week off from work should best be spent visiting loved-ones and relaxing, his elderly father views vacation time as a chance to put his son to work fixing longstanding problems around the house usually caused by deferred maintenance. Two days into this year's trip, my friend did drive up to New Hampshire to see some of his relatives but that only caused his dad to grumble, “He wastes time running around when he's supposed to be here for me.” It's pretty astonishing to hear a parent declare so bluntly that he's entitled to all of his son's free time. My friend is stressed enough dealing with a marriage that's on the rocks and a special needs son. Now he has to give up his whole vacation to be a handyman?

Unfortunately, my friend's dad is bad with money and instead of building up an emergency fund to maintain the house, he buys DVDs, collectible coins and other frivolous trinkets. After being forced into an early retirement many years ago, he refused to get a part time job to make ends meet and incurred a lot of credit card debt. Now with each visit, he expects his son to pay for everything and being a good son, my friend reluctantly complies whether it's to replace a 70 year old mattress or a set of worn out tires.

By day five of his vacation, I suggested attending a nearby restaurant's trivia night but after spending much of the day running errands with his dad and son, my friend was too tired. He decided to stay put and grill up some steaks but his dad forgot to buy charcoal briquettes. I grabbed a half empty bag of Kingsford from our basement and dropped it off. We did get together later that night for about two hours but had to put up with his dad's television viewing choices which included terrible episodes of NCIS and NCIS: Origins.

When I returned the next night, my friend and I looked online for something to do because he was eager to get out of the house for a while. Of course, the tavern I suggested which was famous for local music didn't have any performances scheduled. Other restaurants and bars we looked up closed in less than an hour. I mentioned mini golf but there wasn't anything nearby. It was now after 9 PM so we decided to drive to Salem, MA and see what we could find.

Granted, it was a Thursday but for a “happening” city, the streets were pretty quiet. We drove by one bar but the crowd inside was definitely college-aged. Feeling a bit nostalgic, we then traveled to the Salem Willows but the place was dead. There's nothing so inviting than businesses locked up tight with metal shutters. I turned the car around and after driving down Derby Street, we noticed Bit Bar. I explained to my friend that it was a bar featuring many vintage arcade games. The place's concept seemed to have a nerdy cool vibe so we decided to check it out.

I had warned my friend that the bar scene in greater Boston left much to be desired and this place did not disappoint. The handful of patrons skewed too young and their fashions were so casual, I felt overdressed wearing a nice collared shirt. On stage, an overweight couple belted out an annoying karaoke song. One entire room full of arcade games was empty except for a lone guy playing. This was why I just didn't go out all that often. After a very short time, we decided to leave. The hostess told us to have a goodnight and once we were outside, I joked to my friend, “Thank you. I won't.”

Despite all the talk of how trendy some suburbs of Boston are, most of them are overrated. I told my friend about a YouTube video where a single woman decided to patronize different restaurants in my hometown each night of the week. She mostly wound up talking to couples and didn't meet anyone she wanted to date. That sounded about right.

We then walked around the city hoping to find something to do but all we encountered were empty streets. I told him it reminded me of The Twilight Zone episode Where Is Everybody? We eventually walked back to the car feeling defeated. I complained about how people in this part of the country lauded diversity but it was a failure of diversity when you couldn't find anyone else with similar sensibilities and tastes. My friend wasn't too keen to return to his dad's house so we closed out the night by aimlessly driving around the winding streets of Marblehead. I loved catching up with him but the scene outside the car was yet another portrait of isolation.

The next day, my friend planned to visit Cape Cod with his dad and son to make good on a 2017 trip that had been thwarted by a blowout on the highway due to the junky condition of his dad's car. I had been a passenger back then because my mother encouraged me to go but this time around, her growing health problems prevented me from tagging along.

On the morning of his last day here, we all went to breakfast and my mother and I treated everyone. Then my friend scrambled to finish a few projects for his dad before leaving for the airport. I was even drafted to finish up a few of these tasks which included dropping off a package that had been accidentally delivered to the house back in December. The dad's social anxiety prevented him from driving to the correct address to drop it off.

As expected, it was another vacation filled with lofty plans that gave way to a parent's demands and the one night I really needed to find something fun to do only led to dead ends and empty streets.

A Hand Not A Handout

Last month, our local newspaper printed an editorial pitching a caregiver tax credit. They ominously stated that there was “a reckoning coming” because the state's (and country's) population was growing older and with increased longevity came higher levels of infirmity. Older residents required more medical care as well as more help with daily living and in the vast majority of cases, that care fell on family members.

The editorial further stated that the emotional, physical and financial burden of providing that care was weighing heavily on generations of residents. As a caregiver for my elderly mother, I can certainly confirm that fact. In the past year, my mother's chronic pain has only gotten worse and doctors offer few realistic solutions to improve her quality of life. As a result, I have to spend more and more time staying home to care for her instead of having a life of my own. Then there are the many trips to the emergency room that last for hours on end.

My mother always goes to bed late but is an early riser so I might get four hours of sleep and that causes fatigue for most of the day. She's very bored with life and instead of working on her hobbies or doing something productive, she'll just sit in front of the television. Lately, my mom asks to tag along whenever I run errands just so she can get out of the house. The trouble is, she sometimes suggests going to a restaurant or store during our trip so I'll have to spend money unexpectedly. I do all the cooking and cleaning around the house and this year, I've had to manage her finances because she kept making mistakes in her check book. My parents were never that great with investing their money and my mother is still burdened by a large equity loan they never should have taken out in the first place.

Needless to say, all this leaves me very little free time. I last got together with friends four months ago and whenever I'm away from my mother for long, worry sets in because she's a fall risk. While my brother enjoys being married and raising a family, I'm treated to hearing my mom cry out in pain at all hours of the day and night. For her birthday, I took her out to a nice restaurant while my brother just gave her a phone call. Yes, caregiving does have quite a lot of burdens that average people never even think about.

The editorial also mentioned caregiving's cost to employers by making the case that many people wind up having to quit their jobs to care for a family member and that can cost businesses productivity especially when they lose great workers. At my job, the higher-ups could care less about us because they think we're all replaceable no matter how productive and efficient we are. They have no problem seeing good workers walk out the door because they can always hire a goof-off for less money. Since the company is owned by a private equity firm, the short term bottom line is far more important than retaining dedicated employees who ultimately save the company money in the long term.

At the crux of the editorial is a proposed tax credit for $1,500 and a respite voucher for another $1,500. They admit that's not a lot of money but say it could go a long way for the people who need it most. Actually, that kind of money is insulting because it really doesn't do much to alleviate the real cost of caregiving but legislators often propose measures that don't measure up. The real issue is how much of our hard-earned money we lose in taxes to begin with.

When looking at my old pay stubs, 2020 was my best year by far. For a few months during Covid, our company gave us hazard pay and since our industry was deemed essential, we could work any hours we wanted to. I'd routinely work 11 hour shifts 6 days a week and the overtime bumped my measly hourly wage up to something that was more respectable. Unfortunately, all that extra money meant my taxes went up too and since I was single with no dependents, the government taxed me into poverty. It was money I could've used to buy a new roof for the house or a new car or to get my mom a stair lift. What our legislators propose for caregivers certainly doesn't buy any of those things but buzz words like “tax credits” and “relief vouchers” sound positive and it gives the citizenry the impression that our state is doing something.

An AARP study cited in the editorial claimed most residents support the tax credits and relief vouchers along with paying spouse caregivers. Once again, singles don't rate as important as married folks. For now, the proposal is stuck in committee but instead of a handout, what I need the most is a helping hand. In light of that, how about the state of Massachusetts allow me to keep more of my money and let me decide how best to be a caregiver?

Reality Is Reality

Recently, I watched a documentary about a music video television station from the Boston area called V-66. The man behind this venture felt he could do a much better job than MTV and thanks to a lot of hard work and innovation, V-66 started to make a name for itself during the mid-1980s. Of course, it helped that V-66 was a free over-the-air station at a time when some communities in New England still lacked cable TV.

For all the buzz V-66 generated, it only lasted about a year and a half before being sold to the Home Shopping Network. The station's owner explained V-66 was losing money and if he wanted to avoid going into debt, he had to make the hard choice to pull the plug on his creation while there was still time. In his words, “Reality is reality.” While the station's demise was sad news for Boston area music video lovers, V-66's investors still made a tidy profit.

Sometimes in life you can have all the hope in the world but it doesn't get you very far when your good intentions smash right into the brick wall of reality. The words from V-66's owner echoed in my mind when I thought about my current situation as a Catholic single.

Reality: I just don't know where to go to meet other singles. Bars and nightclubs are actually terrible places for meeting people especially if you're shy and looking for someone who shares certain core values that mainstream society rejects.

Reality: The part of the country I live in tends to be very liberal politically and most residents have a local quirkiness that just turns me off.

Reality: I encounter a heck of a lot of elderly people in my travels but eligible women close to my own age are a rarity. Sometimes several months will pass before I even see someone that's attractive (and I'm not looking for a perfect 10 either).

Reality: Almost everyone my age carries a lot of baggage with them which means I won't likely find a significant other who is equally yoked.

Reality: Much younger women are off the table. There's too much of a generation gap and at my age, they remind me of the daughter I never had.

Reality: Online dating is a joke. It's very difficult to get to know someone when you're not talking to them face-to-face but the selection found on some dating websites leaves a lot to be desired.

Reality: Getting to know someone in real life takes a long time and unless the person is very open and honest, you'll never know how a relationship might turn out. There are plenty of miserable married people who say they'd be much happier if they were single and alone.

Reality: Even if I found a woman who shared the same values, goals and desires, it is personality that makes all the difference.  The people I get along with most in life actually have very different values and religious beliefs.

Reality: I'm getting too old for the married life I used to dream about. Is raising a family even possible when statics show very few men in my age bracket have kids? Would I even have the energy?

Reality: I've been alone for so long, someone entering my life would need to be very patient and understanding but when I look at most of my friends' relationships, there's only disharmony and resentment as they get older.

Reality: While I'm good at saving money and avoiding debt, I've only worked dead-end jobs. That's a big red flag for the vast majority of women. Unemployment is even worse and there are times when I've quit a job with nothing to fall back on.

Reality: Caregiving for my elderly mother continues to take an enormous toll. I can no longer up and go somewhere whenever I feel like it. Dating someone who lives far away is pretty much off the table and I have so very little free time to begin with.

Reality: I just don't seem to fit in anywhere. I'm too liberal for conservatives and too conservative for liberals. I'm not a cafeteria Catholic but don't fit in with trad Catholics either. While I enjoy certain hobbies, music, movies and TV shows, their fans just annoy me.

Reality: It's hard enough to make and keep friends so how am I supposed to find a wife? I've been burned by a lot of people I've cared about while other friends just quietly disappear.

Reality: There might be a great woman out there that I have a lot in common with but because she lives thousands of miles away in a place I've never heard of, there's no way we'll ever meet.

All these realities don't give me much hope that I'll ever find a wife or even a girlfriend and while a miracle could still happen, I think it's highly unlikely...and those are pretty bad odds.

Valentine's Day Reflections On Ten Years Later

This February marks the ten year anniversary of Long Lost Black Sheep. I created this blog out of frustration for the way the Catholic Church treated its singles who wanted to get married. After reading other blogs on the subject, I felt it was time to share my perspective knowing full well that what I had to say might not be embraced by many traditional Catholics since I refused to shy away from being critical of our clergy. They had neglected people like me for far too long and if singles weren't being given bad advice, they were treated as if they were invisible. I wanted to challenge our spiritual leaders to do better and help out whenever they could. After all, the future of the Catholic Church depended on it whether they realized it or not.

Over the past ten years, I did manage to meet with our regional bishop and spoke to him at great length about the subject. I also hand delivered a letter to Cardinal O'Malley but sadly, not much of anything ever came of it. The bishop recommended I join a Catholic dating website, and the Cardinal sent me a form letter that failed to address anything I talked about.

I also used this blog to chronicle many of my personal experiences growing up in the Catholic faith. I especially wanted to highlight some of the different parishes I belonged to and share stories about my days in Catholic school. I figured capturing these moments in time from long ago might provide valuable lessons but unfortunately, this aspect of the blog has fallen by the wayside over the years.

Interestingly, the most popular entry on this blog by far is the one about disgraced former Bishop Fenwick chaplain Fr. Jim Nyhan. A Google search about this ex-priest usually leads most people right to this website. All of the other content on Long Lost Black Sheep doesn't have anywhere near the numbers as that particular blog entry.

Lastly, if there were any subjects that had nothing to do with Catholicism or being single, I'd still blog about them just to get my observations out there. Over the past ten years, many of those other Catholic singles blogs have disappeared but Long Lost Black Sheep soldiers on even if it's become an increasing struggle to find the necessary free time to write. Working the night shift for many years has ruined my sleep patterns and the demands of caregiving for my elderly mother grows with each passing year.

I know I can be judgmental and divisive at times but I hope there are readers out there who get something useful out of this site. Most blog entries generate no feedback whatsoever. Every once in a great while someone will post a thoughtful comment but more often than not I hear from the “peanut gallery” who make snarky remarks or ask intrusive questions. Keep in mind, I moderate all comments and if someone crosses a line, their words never see the light of day.

Over these past ten years, I followed the bishop's advice and joined a Catholic dating website but the experience was not that great and a portion of this blog highlights some of the drama. Long Lost Black Sheep would never have been popular on the now defunct CatholicMatch forum but to my surprise, a couple of my biggest critics grudgingly agreed with me that the Church needed to do more for it's younger singles who seek marriage.

During my time on CatholicMatch, I only dated one woman for a few months and what began as a wonderfully hopeful experience ended very abruptly. It's left me confused, wary and highly doubtful that I'll ever find anyone to be in a relationship with.

This Valentine's Day, I pondered all the words of encouragement people have given me over the years. “God will answer your prayers.” “You'll eventually find someone.” “There's someone for everyone so it's only a matter of time.” Such sentiments seem very hollow right now even if they were well-intentioned.

So much time has been lost that my dream of falling in love and getting married feels all but dead. If only there had been some kind of help for Catholic singles when I was in my 20s or 30s or 40s.  If only the people I talked to about being single had actually taken me seriously.

A New Liberal Mascot

Each weekday, a Boston-area college radio station that I regularly listen to pauses their musical programming for an hour to air the syndicated show Democracy Now! What's labeled as underground journalism or alternative news free from corporate influence is actually nothing more than far-left propaganda. Host Amy Goodman (whose gravelly voice is unbearable) pushes a liberal agenda by not only selecting topics and guests that further her favorite causes, she manipulates the very language of her reporting so that it's biased against conservatives.

While talk show host Rush Limbaugh clearly stated his political leanings, Amy Goodman pretends to be nothing more than an objective investigative journalist just doing her job to uncover the truth. Like a coward, she often lets her guests make some of the more inflammatory statements that push her agenda while she simply nods in agreement.

Ironically, Amy Goodman's disdain for what I'd call western capitalist values regularly places her in the same camp as those who would like nothing more than to destroy many of the freedoms she supposedly fights for. Her early reports on America's involvement in the Ukraine War had her siding with Vladimir Putin because how dare the west try to secretly influence a former Soviet republic.

Of course, the biggest target of Democracy Now! in recent years has been Israel. Amy Goodman's sympathy for oppressed people is so strong, that she allies herself with those who embrace radical Islam. In her warped left-wing mind, white western people must be wrong and brown people from exotic lands must be correct. She disproportionately criticizes free western nations like Israel and the United States because she can. There's not as much zeal when it comes to highlighting the atrocities of oppressive dictatorships or intolerant Muslim fanatics, however.

Amy Goodman also links the rhetoric of President Donald Trump to an increase in hate crimes. Of course, she talks with various “experts” on the subject to hammer that point home but would the shoe fit if it were on the other foot?

In May of last year, Yaron Lishinsky and Sarah Milgrim were killed outside the Capital Jewish Museum in Washinton D.C. by a gunman who shouted, “Free, free Palestine!” upon being arrested. The young Jewish couple had just left an event that was focused on building a coalition to support Gazans. Clearly, this was a hate crime and all the rhetoric the left had spewed against Israel played a part in their deaths but would Amy Goodman take any sort of responsibility for this shooting? Of course not. Democracy Now! featured a Jewish guest who briefly offered condolences but then proceeded to blame the shootings on Israel's treatment of the Palestinians. Several comments on left-wing websites were more blunt saying Yaron and Sarah got what they deserved and more “Zionists” needed to die.

Right after this shooting, I thought a new liberal mascot could be “Not Me” from the comic strip Family Circus. When the parents in that comic accused their children of mischief-making, the little ones denied it by saying, “Not me!” and an invisible phantom by that name was drawn as the cause of all the trouble. My idea seemed to gain even more relevance with the fatal shooting of Charlie Kirk.

I never heard of Charlie Kirk before September 10^th of 2025 but news of his murder really bothered me. Firstly, it was surprising to see the large audiences he attracted on college campuses because I had long written off academia as being too liberal. Here was a man who often spoke of moral values that sometimes aligned with the Catholic Church's most controversial teachings and he was actually changing hearts and minds. Secondly, the shooting was all about silencing a voice that liberals didn't agree with. How the left reacted to the death of Charlie Kirk was very telling.

In the immediate aftermath, everyone seemed shocked and saddened but very quickly, the left's ugly side would be revealed. Some mockingly asked, “Charlie Kirk who?” With the identity of the shooter still unknown, more than a few liberals took joy in posting comments and memes that said conservatives were now sweating because the shooter might be white. Then they began to cherry-pick Charlie Kirk's comments to paint him as a white supremacist, anti-woman and anti-gay. No doubt some of these statements were taken out of context and this prompted gay YouTube personality Amir Odom to create a video that debunked the biggest lies told about Charlie Kirk. In fact, Amir credits meeting the conservative speaker for inspiring him to launch his own YouTube channel. I wasn't sure what to believe since I was unfamiliar with Charlie Kirk's views, but it became clear that many on the left abandoned decorum in order to celebrate this man's death. Since he was killed while talking about gun violence, they called it poetic justice. A few people on YouTube were so disgusted by the celebration of Charlie Kirk's death, they pledged to give up being liberal.

Some on the left engaged in “what-about-isms” by noting the right's lack of sympathy for the June 14, 2025 shootings of Melissa and Mark Hortman and John and Yvette Hoffman. I think a big reason for this disparity was the fact that Charlie Kirk was nationally known and his murder was captured on video in front of a large crowd but if we are to engage in what-about-isms, what about Yaron Lishinsky and Sarah Milgrim? Their deaths were quickly forgotten by the media because it didn't fit a certain narrative.

As a clearer picture of Charlie Kirk's shooter started to emerge, the left continued to twist the facts. They claimed since Tyler Robinson was raised in a pro-Trump household and even dressed up as Trump for Halloween once, he must be an extreme right-winger. They gleefully asserted Charlie Kirk was killed by "one of his own" and that it was an inside job even though children routinely rebel against their parents' moral beliefs.

Soon they concocted a cockamamie theory that Tyler Robinson was a far-right “groyper” who followed the teachings of Neo-nazi Nick Fuentes. Amy Goodman loves to criticize many of Trump's statements by prefacing his quotes with the words, “Without proof, Donald Trump said...” In the case of the Charlie Kirk shooting, this so-called underground journalist reported that Utah's Republican governor claimed the shooter had leftist ideology but did not share any evidence then she stated, “There's also been speculation Robinson may have been influenced by a far-right movement known as groypers which is tied to the white nationalist Nick Fuentes.”  We should rename her show Hypocrisy Now! for having such double standards about things not proven.

This outlandish groyper theory was starting to fall apart as more information emerged about the shooter but that didn't stop late night talk show host Jimmy Kimmel from promoting it during one of his anti-Trump monologues. With the prompting of the FCC, he was suspended by the ABC Network. Liberals saw this as a freedom of speech issue with many feeling Jimmy Kimmel did nothing wrong. The talk show host returned to the airwaves a few days later to cry crocodile tears without ever acknowledging how inappropriate his groyper remarks were. Some liberals even accused conservatives of behaving like the “snowflakes” the right often criticized. In other words, “It's okay for the left to be overly sensitive and employ cancel culture tactics but how dare the right stoop to our level.”

Society seems more fractured than ever because two incredibly large groups of people hold dear very different values but in my experience, liberals tend to think they're so much more enlightened than conservatives. When complaining about this divisiveness, they refuse to look in the mirror and consider that maybe, just maybe they're part of the problem too. “Not me!”

The Church's “Useful Idiots”

One story that's made the rounds in the local news this holiday season concerns a controversial nativity scene outside St. Susanna Parish in Dedham, Massachusetts. Replacing the baby Jesus is a sign in the manger that reads “ICE was here.” Another sign lists a phone number for reporting ICE activity in the area. Also missing are the figures of Mary and Joseph but a note says, "The Holy Family is safe in the Sanctuary of our Church."

The display was created in part by St. Susanna's longtime pastor, Steven Josoma who said he wanted to highlight the fear of separation among immigrant families adding, “It's to get people thinking about how immigrants are treated, especially during the holiday season.” Many have shown their support for this nativity scene but many others have condemned it. The Boston Archdiocese has even called for its removal but Fr. Josoma said the display will remain until further notice.

My first impression of the situation? I didn't totally disagree with what Fr. Josoma was trying to do BUT (and this is a big but) I wondered if he has ever fought so passionately for the Church's more conservative moral beliefs like choosing life or practicing abstinence until marriage. After a little bit of online research, I found my answer.

Father Josoma actually has a history of creating provocative nativity scenes. One manger on gun violence featured signs with the death tolls of specific mass shootings while another on the environment showed a manger flooded by rising sea levels. A previous display on immigration placed baby Jesus in a cage. Fr. Josoma has stated such displays weren't political statements but “a moral call to arms.” CJ Doyle of the Catholic Action League strongly disagreed saying this year's nativity scene was sacrilegious political theater from a dissident priest with a long history of crackpot publicity stunts adding that he is using his position as a pastor to promote his left-wing political ideology. The website Boston Catholic Insider largely falls in line with this assessment.

Whatever the case may be, I think Fr. Josoma's recent attempt to get people "to think" has sown the seeds of division and discord more than anything else as evidenced by the many online arguments regarding this nativity scene. Detractors claim the display is inaccurate because the Holy Family were not refugees but rather returning to their hometown for the census as required by law. Supporters argue the nativity embraces Christ's call to care for the very least of us. Detractors say we need to render unto Caesar by not ignoring illegal immigration. Supporters accuse detractors of being MAGA elitists who only care about white people. And it goes on and on with each side digging in.

There are those among us who want to water down the Catholic faith to just two phrases: “love thy neighbor” and “don't judge.” Even though some of these people have rarely set foot in a church, they're quick to cherry-pick certain Bible passages in order to make the detractors of this nativity scene look bad. Disagree with Fr. Josoma's message and they'll call you a Christian hypocrite even though immigration is a complex issue.

This controversy reminds me of a Facebook post from one of my cousins who was raised Catholic but then turned her back on the faith. She forwarded the following from the Facebook page Occupy Democrats:

Right off the bat, this post is very deceptive. They place a photo of the Pope directly above a letter he didn't write to make it appear as if Leo XIV himself were publicly criticizing Donald Trump. In actuality, the letter was written by a bishop...but nowhere in the post will you find his name. They do say this bishop was appointed by Pope Leo so they make the leap that this must be a “HUGE rebuke” of the president and ICE.

At the bottom, they thank the Pope for “standing up for true Christian values.” Now I'm not the smartest person in the world but I suspect a Facebook page called Occupy Democrats wouldn't be so kind if Pope Leo promoted some of the more conservative values of the Catholic Church.

It's been said that Vladimir Lenin coined the term “useful idiot” which means a naive person who is manipulated into supporting, promoting, or defending a cause, ideology, or leader without fully understanding the harmful, hidden, or self-defeating consequences of their actions. By only showing the more liberal side of the Catholic faith and ignoring other aspects of its moral teachings, our religious leaders are playing right into the hands of those who want to see the Church weakened or destroyed altogether. Courting these people certainly won't change their negative opinions of organized religion but it will cause confusion among devout Catholics who have already sacrificed so much for their faith...and that will ultimately hurt our Church.

Where Japan Leads, The Church Follows

The Mass I usually attend was once fairly crowded but over the course of a few years, the number of parishioners has drastically thinned out. Often in 2025, I'd see one whole section of the church empty or with only three or four worshipers sitting in the pews. The parish is almost entirely made up of old people and witnessing such a sharp drop off in attendance has me thinking of what's been going on in Japan.

Of all the countries in the world, Japan has the highest proportion of elderly citizens and as of 2022, a little over 29% of the population was above the age of 65. That number is expected to climb in the next few decades. Japan's seniors also live a very long time and the country is home to the largest number of centenarians on the planet. While all this is going on, the nation has also been suffering from a low fertility rate. Since 1974, the number of children being born from each woman in her lifetime has remained below the replacement threshold.

Economic factors are usually cited for this downturn. Japan continues to suffer from a decades-long economic slump and regular employment has seen significant decreases over the years. On average, temporary and part-time jobs pay 53% less each month when compared to regular employment. With such financial insecurities, many young people feel they can't afford to have kids. Poor work / life balance and a lack of affordable daycare also contributes to couples putting off having children.

Another interesting aspect of the aging of Japan is the blame some place on the nation's young people. They claim newer generations have created a low desire culture where both sexes express little ambition to court each other. The unflattering term “herbivore men” is used to describe young males who are not interested in getting married or even having a girlfriend. “Parasite singles” typically describe young unmarried women who continue to live with their parents so they can enjoy a more carefree lifestyle.

Some have suggested Japan's young people no longer have enough places where they can interact. Others theorize there's a growing division between the sexes about what's expected of them when it comes to dating and relationships. High levels of anxiety might also scare young men and women away from each other. Whatever the reasons for this apparent lack of romantic initiative, rates of virginity among 20 and 30 year-olds are still increasing with a 2022 survey finding about 40% of unmarried men in their 20s have never been on a date while 25% of young adult women said they never dated.

Rural villages have been hit the hardest by these declines in young people with empty houses and closed schools becoming commonplace. Government incentives hoping to encourage young adults to move to these rural communities have had little success. One artist from the village of Nagoro wanted to make her aging community look more active so she created scarecrow-like dolls to fill the void. Perhaps my church should have some of these dolls placed in the pews to make Mass feel more crowded.

Japan is a prime example of the dire consequences that eventually arise when we fail to encourage and support our young people on their difficult journey into full-fledged adulthood. Over the years, I've brought my concerns regarding Catholic singles to my pastors, the regional bishop and the Cardinal but none of them considered what I had to say to be a priority. One pastor in particular insisted as people got older and thought more about life and death, they would ultimately come back to church. Fast forward to 2025 and it's obvious that hasn't happened. It won't happen either because more and more people feel they can do without religion.

Much like Japan's incentives to convince young people to move to those rural villages, the Church's various campaigns to increase its membership appear to have missed the mark. This is especially clear when I look at all those recently empty pews.

What's A Guy To Think?

YouTube's algorithm for generating recommended videos must be aware that I'm single because a lot of the content in my sidebar focuses on dating, relationships and women. These recommended videos claim to have special insight into how the opposite sex really thinks but after watching several of them, I feel downright depressed. Why? Instead of offering helpful advice on how to find genuine love in the ever confusing dating scene, these videos highlight the “harsh realities” men face when seeking romantic relationships with women.

One of these YouTube channels is called Entrepreneurs in Cars and it typically features a guy driving around while he shares his opinions on the opposite sex. This particular content creator warns men against dating a “modern woman” because no amount of care or attention a guy brings to the relationship will ever be enough to satisfy her. He sometimes uses the term hypergamy when explaining how women tend to date and / or marry men of a higher social status.

He also claims women often overestimate their “sexual value” as they get older and tells men to avoid dating females who are pro-choice, have slept around, or carry a great deal of emotional baggage because these qualities run counter to a family-oriented mindset found in traditional relationships. Oddly, all of these warnings lead the host to suggest that if a guy just wants to have fun with a woman for a little while, then that's okay as long as both parties don't get too attached. I find it ironic that the host of these videos places a lot of importance on traditional values but then lets men off the hook by condoning the occasional sexual romp.

Another YouTube channel that often pops up in my sidebar is called PsycheDepth and videos from this content creator typically feature black and white cartoons of men and women while a British-accented narrator gives long lectures on the nature of romantic relationships. These are some of the most depressing videos ever with titles like: “How Women Turn Good Men Into Monsters With Contempt” “Why Does Sexual Desire in Women Die After Love” “Why Most Women Betray Loyalty Without You Seeing It” “Talking Kills Attraction” “Why You Shouldn't Try To Understand Women”. Even the thumbnails for these videos have pretty atrocious titles like: “Women Are Selfish” “You'll Never Make Her Happy” “Women Are Evil” “Why Being a Man Isn't Enough Anymore” “Her Tactics Are Deadly” “Her Words Are Poison”.

The narrator claims that no matter how kind-hearted a man is, he needs to behave a certain way to be successful at dating because a woman might say she wants a sensitive, communicative man who will treat her as an equal, but on a subconscious level, she is hardwired to be turned off by those qualities. Basically, the genetic predispositions of our ancestors make women desire a strong, confident leader and not someone who takes her feelings into account by asking, “What restaurant would you like to go to tonight?” This deep-seated lack of attraction for nice guys is supposedly why so many women wind up with jerks.

According to PsycheDepth, men need to wall off their true emotions and create a certain distance because women truly value mystery and scarcity not openness and utility. If you don't “maintain your frame” with the opposite sex, they will walk all over you because without even being aware of it, women run countless psychological tests on men and failing these mental evaluations causes a loss of interest. Apparently, men aren't entitled to be full emotional beings because that would show weakness.

One particular video makes the case that marriage itself is just a bad idea for men because they are always at a disadvantage in such a union. PsycheDepth even suggests replacing the outdated concept of marriage with a contract that's similar to a business deal where both parties' expectations are clearly spelled out and they can go their separate ways without much difficulty. I sometimes wonder if this YouTube channel is part of a secret plot to sow distrust among the sexes and destroy the American nuclear family. With more and more videos being churned out each month on this channel, a friend joked, “...or they're just trying to make money.” I can believe that given all those awful clickbait titles.

As bad as these videos are, the comments are much worse. Broken-hearted men describe their relationship horror stories and rejoice in being alone and unattached. One guy says women don't love you for who you are. They love you for how you make them feel. Another claims women are always on the look out for someone better. Many men lament all the effort they put into their relationships only for their significant others to get bored and leave. There seems to be a lot of hurt out there and videos like these certainly don't help to bridge the divide between the genders. In a recent poll of Gen Z men, having children and raising a family was their number one goal. For Gen Z women, that expectation came in dead last.

The advice from these content creators runs counter to how I imagined dating and relationships would be but now I'm not so sure what to believe. Thinking back to my parents marriage, they managed to avoid many of the pitfalls discussed in these videos but then again, they embraced traditional values and not modern ones. During my time on CatholicMatch, I did see a certain amount of distaste for "nice guys" and some members of the opposite sex felt the art of courting boiled down to the man having to do almost everything on a date while the woman waited to be impressed. As a sensitive male, I refuse to play these stupid games. If I'm going to be rejected, then I'll be rejected for being myself because wearing a false facade for the rest of my life is just too tiresome and not worth the trouble.

Broken Marriages and Poisoned Minds

Even though a good friend from my high school days has lived in a different part of the country for a few decades now, he still calls me on a regular basis to chat. He's been married to the same woman for nearly 30 years and has two kids who are now college-aged. My friend says he loves his wife to this day and tells me she's the one person he never gets tired of being around.

Despite all of this, a perennial topic of conversation during our phone calls is the disharmony that's plagued his marriage. His wife can be very overbearing especially when it comes to sweating the small stuff in life. My friend feels like he's walking on eggshells all the time because there's no telling what little thing might set her off. He feels totally unappreciated as a provider and once confessed to me, “If my wife gave me 100 tasks to do around the house and I completed 99 of them, she'd pick me apart for the one thing I didn't finish.” There is a scientific reason for this called the Zeigarnik Effect. People better remember tasks that are interrupted or unfinished.

Adding to her displeasure is the fact that after he's finished working long hours in a very stressful job, he doesn't always have the time or energy to do the tasks she wants done like dusting or emptying the dishwasher. Instead of sympathizing, his wife berates him and sometimes throws a temper tantrum. My guess is she considers his failure to help out to be a personal slight against her because she feels so overwhelmed. For years his wife argued, “I have the more stressful job of raising the kids!” Even though their children are now grown, she still uses this as an excuse.

My friend's career provided a roof over her head and allowed her to be a stay-at-home mom for many years. Their mortgage was also paid off before he turned 50. I'd say they have a lot to be thankful for but she insists he does “nothing” around the house. My friend tried defending himself by listing all the things he's done for the household over the years but she doesn't use logic to argue. If she simply “feels” a certain way, then it becomes the Gospel truth. As a result, he has stopped defending himself when they fight because he knows he'll never win. Men usually clam up and bury their feelings when they think their vulnerability will be mocked and used against them.

My friend tells me past marriage counseling sessions weren't helpful because his wife blamed him for everything while she refused to own up to her faults. Adding fuel to this fire in recent years is social media. Since his wife has trouble making friends and doesn't like going out, she spends a lot of time on the internet and is drawn to TikTok videos where modern women discuss what a marriage should be. Instead of promoting traditional Christian values, these virtual reality personalities will set unrealistic expectations for husbands and then criticize them for not achieving such lofty goals. My friend's wife internalizes these artificial wants and needs that didn't exist two minutes before she watched these videos. Of course she's not happy living in a slightly cluttered ranch house when some social media influencer is telling her she should be living in a mansion that looks like something out of Better Homes and Gardens magazine.

These influencers, who usually have no degree in psychology will also urge women to preform subtle tests on their husbands. If the men fail, the wives are told they are in a bad marriage. The reality is, guys usually don't do well with subtlety. Perhaps the BEST way to talk to a husband about something is to actually talk to him about it...openly and honestly without the threat of reprisals.

Sadly, a death in their family caused my friend's wife to become increasingly withdrawn and despite his efforts to support her, she moved out of the house and is now living with her mother. I try to avoid the “S” word (separated) during our phone calls because he's not sure what her departure means for their marriage. Neither of them want a divorce but this latest turn of event is causing more resentment. My friend rants, “I wish I could withdraw from the world when I'm depressed but I have to go to work everyday and make sure all the bills are paid!”

My friend and his wife got married in the Church and had their kids confirmed but this was done just to impress their relatives. In actuality, they both have disdain for organized religion. While there are plenty of bad Christian marriages, I do wonder if this lack of faith made for a weak foundation. My friend has often criticized me for holding onto the Church's traditional values because he felt living together before marriage was how he really got to know his future spouse. I recently reminded him of this theory and pointed out, “You never accounted for your wife changing over the years.” Perhaps those studies about the dangers of premarital co-habitation have some credence?

One thing is for sure, social media hasn't helped my friend's marriage one bit. Instead of teaching humility, empathy, and gratitude, his wife is being filled with anxiety by watching videos from content creators who are hell-bent on sowing discord among the sexes.

(More on that topic in the next entry.)

When All Else Fails...Blame Men?

I was casually searching the internet a while ago and found the r/CatholicDating sub on Reddit. One post that caught my eye was from a woman who had tried CatholicMatch and was very disappointed because that dating site was filled with “creepers” in her humble opinion.

This woman's list of complaints regarding the men of CatholicMatch was long and as I read through it, a thought popped into my mind. All of her grievances could have applied to many of the women on CatholicMatch too. The thing is, few people on that dating site ever check out the profiles of the same gender.

I thought much of what she said was unfair so I decided to create a post of my own on r/CatholicDating to refute her accusations. I entitled it: CatholicMatch Creepers? Not Great From My End Either

She complained there were too many men who did not agree with all of the Church's teachings. I said there were plenty of women on CatholicMatch who also disagreed with those values adding that the prettier the woman, the more likely she did not agree with the Church's teachings on pre-marital sex.

She complained about terrible profiles so I said there were plenty of women with poorly written and cringeworthy profiles who put in a minimal effort when it came to selecting a profile photo. I also retold the story of a woman on the CatholicMatch forums who once griped about profile photos of men who posed with the fish they just caught. The funny thing was, I have seen women on CatholicMatch choose a profile photo where they were posing with the fish they just caught.

I also mentioned the poor success rate of CatholicMatch for men like me. After years on the site, I only managed to date one person for a few months but even she took issue with some of the Church's core teachings.

I closed my post by saying, “So I don't think CatholicMatch is terrible only if you're a woman. And I don't think there aren't any good Catholic guys left for the tons of devout Catholic women who don't have anyone to date because you're only seeing half the story.”

After my post was uploaded to r/CatholicDating it was deleted by the moderators shortly thereafter before anyone had a chance to discuss it. Nothing I wrote seemed to violate the group's rules and my post was certainly less negative than the woman who categorized most of the men on CatholicMatch as creepers. This reflected the typical double standard in the world of Catholic dating. Women are holy, pure and can do no wrong while men are lustful, inept, and have everything wrong with them.

In years past, I've read a few Catholic blogs written by women who lament the lack of good and devout Catholic men. Oh, we're out there but perhaps you can't see us because we don't measure up to your vision of the dream guy which must be a combination of Prince Charming, Padre Pio and the CEO of a Fortune 500 company. It's odd that men get scolded all the time for being too superficial but who chastises Catholic women for dismissing those awkward but nice guys who just need some encouragement?

During my time on the CatholicMatch forums, women used to complain all the time about men...but rarely got called out by the moderators in the same way that the men did who complained about women. One female in particular was upset with a guy who had initiated a conversation but then disappeared. Now the same thing happens to plenty of men all the time but this forum user felt the need to bash us guys for such behavior.

She accused Catholic men of forgetting how to court and date. (As a devout woman, she informed us that it wasn't her job to chase or pursue, of course.) She lamented the presence of so many “emotionally constipated men” on the site who were not well formed or healthy. Had she known there were so many “dualistic” “insecure” and “projecting” guys in the Catholic dating scene, she would have married one of the many “GOOD” secular men she had met in life who were “solid in the core” and of “good character.” All I could think was, “Yes, it's all the fault of men that you're a single, middle-aged woman right now and there's not the slightest thing wrong with you.”

I think if Catholic men defend their gender in the face of these complainers, they get accused of “picking on a girl” but nowhere do I see pressure put on these devout women to be more accepting and understanding of the opposite sex. Ultimately, it seems like us men get blamed for everything that's gone wrong in the Catholic dating scene.

Self-Help Is No Help

The last blog entry mentioned how the internet has no shortage of people who feel they can offer you advice for improving your life. Some of these videos dispense self-help advice and one YouTube channel that I stumbled upon recently is called Productive Peter. His content consists of straight forward narration set to visuals of stick figure drawings. One video in particular highlights strategy on how to make the most out of life and it's broken down into several chapters. The narrator mentions “superpowers” we can acquire from his advice and he even claims to know certain “truths” about life. While this channel offers some interesting perspectives that seem to resonate with viewers, I find these videos to be idealistic and at times unrealistic.

Productive Peter warns us about getting stuck in ruts because that encourages “time blindness.” If we just go through the motions in our daily lives, our brain will check out which causes life to feel like it's slipping by very quickly. He recommends taking a new route to work or learning a new skill which will force our brains to be more “tuned in” to the moment. He also encourages us to take the “deathbed test” where we imagine ourselves at the end of our lives. Would we have any regrets? He assumes we'd choose wanting to spend more time with family over wanting to make more money. He advocates making our hours count and even suggests “ruthlessly” eliminating all social media if it's becoming too much of a distraction.

This advice is all fine and good but I don't think this kind of pop psychology is one-size fits all. Sometimes life throws us pretty bad curve balls and we wind up in places that we'd rather not be in. I have a five minute walk to my job. Can I take a different route to learn something new? Nope. I also work the night shift which means I'm constantly battling sleep. Finding enough time and energy to learn a new skill while caring for my elderly mother is next to impossible. Yup, I'm in a rut but there are good reasons why my life is like that and I don't see how changing a few habits for five minutes is going to improve anything.

Maybe if my mother found doctors who actually knew what they were doing her quality of life would improve and she'd regain more of her independence. Instead, her health continues to go downhill which means she relies on me more and more. Maybe if I wasn't a caregiver, I wouldn't have to work a menial job that's close to home...but I am a caregiver and nothing is going to change that right now. Productive Peter talks about “strategic quitting” but that's not an option.

My “deathbed test” won't ever include the regret, “I should have spent more time with family” because I don't have a family in the first place. While there are things we can do in life to improve our chances at dating, marriage and having a family, ultimately it comes down to chance. If you never find anyone to fall in love with in the first place, then what else can you do? I might be able to exercise some control over life by joining an online dating website or going out to a bar but if you never meet anyone to fall in love with in the first place then these attempts to shape life are pretty futile.

Nowhere in these videos do I think Productive Peter misses the mark more than when he talks about friendships and acquaintances. He suggests the best friendships are created when we express genuine concern for others and even show some vulnerability. Don't neglect the people in our lives with “weak ties” because often it's those relationships that help us to grow, to gain new experiences, and they even connect us with great opportunities. Engage in small acts to maintain these bonds like sending the occasional e-mail just to see how someone is doing.

In my life, very little of this is true. I do try to maintain those connections with friends but often they respond with silence. When I suggest hanging out and getting something to eat (my treat), months will slip by without them saying a word. I guess people don't like free food anymore! With most of my relationships, I'm the one doing all the heavy lifting while they rarely lift a finger to even say hi. I guess they're too busy to take ten seconds out of their lives to even post a message on my Facebook page. I've never felt my friends needed me as much as I needed them and if actions speak louder than words, their inaction actually says a lot. Once again, random chance has blessed me with friends who often take the meaning of the word friend for granted.

As far as those “weak ties” go, Productive Peter couldn't be more wrong. Acquaintances (especially friends-of-friends) have only caused problems in my life...big problems. They didn't lead to new and exciting opportunities. Rather, they took too much out of me and the only thing I learned from these relationships was that I should have avoided them in the first place.

They say in life you make your own luck. To a certain extent, that's true. When a good opportunity arrives, we might miss it unless we're armed with the necessary tools to make the most of it. However, everyone in life is also held hostage by random chance. How productive, comfortable and meaningful would your life be if you were born in the Gaza Strip as opposed to Buckingham Palace? I think some people do have good luck in life while others are blessed to be cursed. Self-help videos tend to ignore this fact and for the guy who's often down on his luck, they offer no help at all.

The Art of Somewhat Presentable

The internet has no shortage of people who feel they can offer you advice for improving your life and one type of video I checked out over the past few months focused on the gentlemanly art of dressing well. These YouTube videos are usually bare-bones productions and feature a man dressed in a suit and necktie offering advice on how to wear formal fashions. He might give an opinion on the best color neckties to wear with a certain type of suit. He might suggest paying more money for quality products that will look better and last longer. There's a pretty good chance the term “sartorial” might be used which is actually derived from the Latin word “sartor” and means tailor.

One of the hosts of these videos discussed the benefits of dressing well. While not scientific by any means, he admitted to using his own experiences to draw certain conclusions. The big takeaway from his observations was: formal wear did carry with it certain psychological power over ourselves and others. Firstly, he noticed people treated him nicer if he was wearing a suit and tie. Formal wear improved his social interactions with strangers and often people just wanted to engage in small talk with him even if it was to say, “You look sharp.”

He theorized dressing well set a certain tone on a subconscious level. It sent the message that here was a man with the discipline to be polished and well-groomed. If he had to attend a function, his fashion sense let the people there know that he took them seriously enough to actually put some thought into how he looked.

Secondly, dressing like a gentleman boosted his own self-confidence. He claimed that if you dressed well, you stood a little taller and you walked with a little more swagger in your step. He even claimed that people would respect you more and you'd get increased attention from women.

I had to take all of this with a grain of salt because the man hosting these videos also traveled in social circles where a suit and tie weren't so out of place. For a side hustle, he's a motivational speaker for businessmen and is often surrounded by those who dress formally as part of their workplace uniform. One of the places where he had been treated nicely by total strangers was of all things...a luxury hotel. I wondered how the public would react if he found himself riding a dingy subway train to the inner city.

I make good use of the area's thrift stores and love finding nice clothes for very little money. Some of those fashions do include suits, blazers, dressy shirts and ties. The problem is, I have very little opportunity to wear such fancy outfits. Even at church not very many people get dressed up anymore. About ten years ago, our pastor tried inspiring us to look more formal by presenting the same argument that YouTube host made: We were here to worship Jesus so our clothes should be an outward expression of how seriously we took that endeavor. Wasn't the almighty worthy of spending a little extra time to be more thoughtful with our fashion choices? Only a few parishioners decided to give it a try and after a while, our pastor abandoned this effort. The tidal wave of causal dressers won out in the end but would Jesus really care about such things anyway?

Contrary to what the YouTube host said about dressing like a gentleman, I often feel awkward wearing a suit and tie because almost everyone else is dressed like a slob. I don't make enough money to seek out the fancy locales where such fashions would blend in like that aforementioned luxury hotel. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the kind of women who would respond favorably to such fancy clothes are probably too high maintenance and way out of my league.

After watching these videos, I used my own experiences to draw certain conclusions. Despite what ZZ Top said about “a sharp dressed man” I've seen no benefit to dressing formally. A few old ladies at church might compliment me on my outfits but good luck trying to hear it from a woman my own age. Even wearing gentlemanly fashions on Catholic Match didn't get me anywhere. The fact is, the men I see with wives and kids are the ones who make no effort to dress nicely. These guys usually select fashions that make them look like overgrown children yet they're married and I'm not.

Our culture has definitely embraced that “letting it all hang out” look and several months will pass before I see another guy wearing a necktie. I can't even remember the last time I saw a woman out in public with a nice dress on. Shorts, graphic t-shirts, yoga pants, muffin tops and butt cracks seem to be the order of the day. While good Christians shouldn't get caught up judging people on outward appearances, it would be nice in a society that claims to be "diverse" if more people put in an extra effort to look somewhat presentable.