Why I Don't Go Out

An acquaintance heard me complain about the lack of eligible women so he suggested we go to out to a local restaurant that also had a bar and stage for live music.  He thought there would be plenty of singles to meet at this place but when I contacted him a few days later, he was too tired to go out.  (Now how was I supposed to get a social life when things like that happened?)  A couple of weeks passed and there was still no word from my acquaintance so I decided to send him a message via Facebook.  As it turned out, he was free that Friday night and suggested I pick him up at his apartment around 8 PM.  From there, the restaurant was just a few minutes away and after paying the cover charge, we found two empty seats at the bar.

A bartender swooped in right away to take our order and while my friend had a beer, I decided not to get anything.  I used the excuse of being the designated driver but in reality, alcohol just wasn't that appealing to me.  Over to my left was a young couple who looked like they were fans of the show Jersey Shore.  To the right of my acquaintance were two college co-eds eating large portions of Italian food.  For a Friday, there wasn't much of a crowd and most of the patrons looked like they were over the age of 60.  My acquaintance said, “The type of crowd depends on who's playing.”  The night's entertainment was a young country music singer named Annie Brobst.  He said if it had been a rock band, the crowd would probably be larger and younger.  Just my luck!

A female bar tender checked in on us and then asked if we were looking forward to having a good time.  My acquaintance remarked, “Sure.  What time do you get off work?”  She paused for a moment and then shrugged off the comment.  As she walked away, I said to him, “I think that's the first time she has ever heard that.”  She turned around and said, “Yes, that's the first time, alright.”  I was surprised the bartender heard me given all the noise in the room but she seemed appreciative.  When he stepped outside to have a cigarette, she said to me, “Can I get you a soda?  My treat.”  I replied, “You know what I would love but am too embarrassed to order?  A Shirley Temple.”  The drink had sentimental value because when I was a kid, my uncle used to throw Labor Day pool parties and it was the only mixed beverage I was allowed to have.  The bartender said she would put it in a normal glass so no one would know.  As soon as I finished it, she immediately brought over another one.

When my acquaintance returned from his smoke break, the bouncer didn't remember his face and thought he was trying to sneak in.  We pointed out his beer and he was let back into the establishment.  The country music was nice although I wondered how a singer who was born in Ohio and lived in New England developed a southern accent.  A couple of overweight redneck women got up to dance and my acquaintance said, “There you go.  Why don't you dance with them.”  To further get my goat, he snapped a picture of me and then posted it to social media with the caption, “He's drunk!”

The couple sitting next to me eventually left but the college girls to the right of us continued to drink and flirt with the male bartender.  I looked around the room again and said, “You know where the people our age are?  At home with their wives and kids.”  Despite feeling a bit isolated, I did enjoy the change of pace from my usual Friday night routine of staying home.  The female bartender handed me a third Shirley Temple so I made sure to drink it slowly this time.  A nice tip was in her future and I hoped that might spark some more conversation with her.  

Suddenly, I felt someone's hand grab the back of my chair.  It was an older woman trying to get her balance as she plunked herself down in the empty seat next to me.  I tried to ignore her but she insisted on chatting with us.  She seemed drunk and asked me if my acquaintance was my dad.  He felt insulted since only a few years separated us so he said to the woman, “You look good for 60.”  She made a sour face and told him to fuck off.  Now how did I get myself into this mess?

The woman continued to chat with me even though I showed disinterest.  She said I was cute and tapped my leg a couple of times.  I told her not to get so grabby.  After a few more minutes of this, my acquaintance and I decided to make a hasty retreat.  He paid his tab and quickly finished what remained of his last beer.  The female bartender was off to the side mixing a drink for a customer so I walked over to her and got her attention.  After leaving money on the bar and thanking her for the drinks, I headed outside before that drunk woman tried pawing me again.

My acquaintance attempted to start a conversation with a girl who was taking a smoke break.  He said, “Loud in there tonight, isn't it?”  She coldly responded, “Not really.”  It was clear we weren't going to meet anyone here and during the ride back to his apartment, we analyzed our night out.  In the back of my mind, I had suspected some weirdo or loudmouth would gravitate toward me but I didn't want to say anything for fear of sounding pessimistic.  Once again my suspicions were confirmed.  When I told my mother about the experience, she said older men used to hit on her all the time at bars adding, “But your cousin did find her future husband at a bar so it's hit or miss.”  She suggested we give going out another try.  With experiences like that, it would be a long while before we returned.

Singles, Free Will and 9-11

I discussed being single with an unmarried Catholic woman in her late 40s recently and was struck by how different her outlook on life was.  Despite a few failed relationships and the fact that her mother might never see any grandchildren, she preferred not to dwell on the past or place blame on anyone.  I then shared my feelings about the Church.  For a long time, the clergy have ignored singles who are called to be married when there was so much they could've done to help us.  While she agreed with some of what I said, she preferred to better her own life by looking forward.  At one point in the discussion she even mentioned God's will.  She did feel the call to be married and have kids but accepted the fact that the Almighty did not send a potential husband into her life yet.  I asked if she was alone today because others who had the option of helping her, chose to do nothing.

When the Church was experiencing a shortage of priests, what happened?  Steps were taken to actively promote priestly vocations: from sermons about why the priesthood was awesome to discernment retreats to special prayers for vocations.  Some parishes even passed around vocational crosses to different households so families could pray for seminarians.  One of my pastors credited these actions with helping to increase vocations to the priesthood and religious life.

The key word is ACTION.  When something was wrong within the Church, we just didn't pray for things to improve.  Deliberate measures were put into place to make positive changes happen.  Far too often, Catholics use “God's will” to justify the loneliness singles experience.  When someone like me complains about not being able to find a spouse, we are told to have patience because God works in His own time.  Blame is even placed on us for daring to question His wisdom.

I wondered if everything that happened to us singles was God's will and not free will?  Then using the example of 9-11, I said to the woman, “You have a person who is born into the world as a unique refection of God's love.  They are fed, educated, grow up, and make their way in the world to fall in love and do something wonderful with their God given talents.  One day while simply going to work, they die horribly as a plane piloted by terrorists crashes into the World Trade Center.  Was it God's will for this person's life to be cut short or was it free will that caused so much death and destruction?”

I added that while the terrorists were the ones who chose to do evil, if we went back in time far enough, the actions of the United States in the Middle East helped put into motion a long series of events that led up to the terrorist attack.  From giving military aid to the mujahideen in Afghanistan, to the overthrow of the democratically elected prime minister of Iran in 1953, our country has not always grasped the law of unintended consequences.

The woman said there has always been suffering in the world and while we may never understand why, we should do our best to live a holy life.  I told her it was “God's will” that she should have a family but the inaction of our Church needed to be corrected.  There was nothing wrong with pointing out past failures because that's how we learned to prevent such failures from happening again.

Some people feel the loneliness singles endure is like a set of emotional training wheels that prepares us for marriage.  This view usually creates a climate of apathy instead of assistance, however.  When the Church faced a priest shortage the hierarchy did something about it.  Was this seen as having a lack of faith in God's plan?  No way.  Why then are singles with a calling to Holy matrimony told to simply accept the situation they find themselves in?

The Anxiety Of Daily Prayer

Over the years, many of my priests have stressed the importance of daily prayer.  As a kid, my parents did a great job making sure I said my bedtime prayers which were very simple and innocent.  As I got older, prayers consisted of an Our Father and maybe a Hail Mary.  I later purchased a pocket prayer book that had a nice prayer at bedtime that read:

O my God, I adore you, and love you with all my heart.

I thank you for having created me, having saved me by your grace

and for having preserved me during this day.

I pray that you will take for yourself whatever good
I might have done this day,

and that you will forgive me whatever evil I might have done.

Protect me this night, and may your grace be with me always
and with those I love.

In my teens, daily prayers tended to include more specific requests that reflected some of the hopes and struggles in my life.  I found nothing wrong with this since we had been encouraged to have a personal relationship with God.  After a while, I stopped praying on a daily basis due to all the distractions and conflicts in my life.  Then in 1986, my family planned a vacation to Disney World and I was incredibly nervous about flying.  I promised God to pray every day if our plane didn't crash.  For many years after that, I embraced daily prayer once again.

During one sermon, Fr. Richard Johnson, the pastor at St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly had a nice outlook on daily prayer.  He said there might be times when we were so tired, we couldn't muster enough strength to finish praying before falling asleep.  He said God would appreciate the effort because we were still thinking of Him.  Fr. James Foley, who also served in the parish said we should say a little prayer every time we got into a car, went for a walk, or did any number of mundane things because he felt God should be a constant presence in our lives.

It's been said that daily prayer brings us closer to God but over the years, distance and anxiety has crept in.  I'll start my prayers off by asking for forgiveness for all my sins.  Then I pray for all my friends and family.  From there, I think about loved-ones who are no longer on this earth.  The list is long and continues to grow.  I lost my dad to cancer a few years ago and pray that he is in heaven but so far, I have never felt his presence or had any sign that a part of him is still with me.  Cancer has taken so many relatives and acquaintances and praying for a miracle cure never seems to work.

There have been people in my life that I knew or knew of who committed suicide and I pray that they can be forgiven.  Sometimes people desperately need help but it never arrives.  Would a loving God not take this into account and condemn them to hell?

I pray for the victims of terrorist attacks and think about all the people who were trapped in the burning World Trade Center.  My thoughts turn to the senseless brutality of war...from the Holocaust, to the rape of Nanking, to the collateral damage my country caused in Iraq and Afghanistan.  So many people never had the chance to live a full life.  It makes me wonder why God allows such violence to happen in the first place.

Then there are the personal requests.  I pray that God will help me find the woman of my dreams but wind up dwelling on all those lost years spent without a significant other.  I pray for warm friendships but wonder why there have been so many toxic relationships in my life.  (I recently learned an annoying acquaintance was arrested for sexual assault last month!)  I pray for a career path that channels my creativity instead of unemployment and dead end jobs.  There have been times during my nightly prayers where all I can say to God is, “Help me.  Please help me.”

Some of my priests have said God is not a genie who magically grants our wishes.  They add what God wants might not be what you want.  If that's the case, why bother praying at all?  If there are things in this world that are “meant to be” then how can praying change anything?  Does God follow a prime directive where He doesn't interfere in people's lives but occasionally grants favors every now and then?

I have tried to set aside some time at the end of every day to talk to God but this year is different.  The anxiety from all those thoughts, questions and repeated requests have become too overwhelming and my nightly routine has started to wane.  If daily prayer brings peace and closeness to God, I must be doing it wrong.

Now's Their Chance

 Abuse victims and their relatives             Matt Rourke / AP

Around this time last year, I met with Bishop Mark O'Connell to discuss some of the things that were wrong with the Catholic Church.  Not shying away from any controversies I brought up the mishandling of the priest sex scandal which hit the Boston Archdiocese pretty hard.  There was a sense that I was dredging up something long-past and Bishop O'Connell assured me the Church was in a much better position to prevent such abuse from happening again.  However, recent events show what I discussed with the bishop is more relevant than ever.

In early August, Cardinal Sean O'Malley announced he would be investigating allegations of sexual abuse that two former seminarians from St. John's Seminary had posted to social media.  In a statement, the Cardinal said, “The allegations made this week are a source of serious concern to me as Archbishop of Boston. The ministry of the Catholic priesthood requires a foundation of trust with the people of the Church and the wider community in which our priests serve. I am determined that all our seminaries meet that standard of trust and provide the formation necessary for priests to live a demanding vocation of service in our contemporary society.”

I give Cardinal O'Malley credit for setting the proper tone in this situation.  Although the allegations have yet to be proved or disproved, he canceled a planned trip to Ireland where he was to moderate a panel discussion for the World Meeting of Families.  The rector of St. John's Seminary, Msgr. James Moroney was placed on sabbatical leave and a board of inquiry was formed to investigate the matter. One member of this board just happens to be Bishop Mark O'Connell.  (I hope he remembers all the things we had discussed last year regarding honesty and openness.)

These allegations first surfaced in opinion pieces written by former seminarian John Monaco on the websites OnePeterFive.com and ChurchMilitant.com.  On August 7th, another former seminarian said on the Boston Archdiocese's Facebook page that there was a culture of alcohol abuse and inappropriate sexual behavior at St. John's seminary and his concerns had been dismissed by the vocations director and vice rector.  “The Church has not learned Her lesson and maybe if the stories are once again made public then things will finally change,” he remarked.

It never rains but it pours.  Also in August, Cardinal O'Malley found himself apologizing for missing a letter sent to him in 2015 that detailed accusations of sexual misconduct by then Cardinal Theodore McCarrick.  Fr. Boniface Ramsey tried to warn Church officials several times even writing to Sean O'Malley since he was president of the Pontifical Commission for the Protection of Minors.  Cardinal O'Malley stated his secretary received the letter but did not pass it along since the accusations fell outside the jurisdiction of his office.

Rumors and accusations against Cardinal McCarrick go back many decades and despite warnings from fellow priests about his misconduct, Church officials covered the matter up.  In June of this year, allegations against Cardinal McCarrick were finally revealed to the public and he was forced to resign.  On August 25th, Archbishop Carlo Maria Vigano released a lengthy letter which described how the Vatican ignored several warnings on Cardinal McCarrick's sexual misconduct.  The Archbishop was even so bold as to call for the resignation of Pope Francis.  When asked about the letter, the normally outspoken Pope said, “I will not say a single word about this.”  He then called on journalists to look into the credibility of Archbishop Vigano's claims which have yet to be substantiated.

In mid-August a Pennsylvania grand jury report detailing the abuse of over 1,000 young people by more than 300 predator priests was released to the public.  The state's attorney general held a press conference with several victims present and video taped testimony from three victims (now adults) on how the abuse ruined their lives.  This prompted a revived discussion among Catholics on whether or not to donate to the weekly collection.  (Boston Catholic Insider recommends supporting your local parish by paying directly for your church's expenditures like the heating or electric bills.)  Needless to say, it was not a good month to be a Catholic.

We keep hearing from the hierarchy that this culture of abuse will no longer be tolerated.  Well, now's their chance to prove it.  It's time for bishops, cardinals and the pope alike to take meaningful action and not just talk about stopping this great evil that infests our Church.  Share all internal documents pertaining to the scandal with law enforcement.  Force corrupt clergy to resign and see that they are severely punished (criminally if possible).  Tear down the Church's wall of obfuscation.  Speak truthfully and plainly.  Embrace transparency and honesty because every time the hierarchy doesn't, our Catholic faith suffers.

Many people hoped the Church had learned its lesson from the scandal in Boston so when news of more abuse and cover ups break, we are heartbroken and feel deceived.  Now's your chance to show us that this time is different.  This time, you will do the right thing.

Looking Sharp In Slob Nation

Many Catholic blogs discuss what to wear during Mass and since the heat of summer tends to bring out more relaxed fashions, I figured it would be a good time to address this topic.

When I was an idealistic teenager, church dress codes seemed hypocritical to me.  It didn't matter what people wore just as long as they were attending Mass.  John the Baptist wasn't too concerned with outward appearances so why should we care?  I remember thinking even if a woman showed up to church in her bathing suit, at least she was there to worship God.  The burden of sin would be on the parishioners who were checking her out.  In some beach communities, girls in bikinis do pop into the local grocery store or take out restaurant without a second thought.  Islam tends to place the burden of sin on women by demanding they cover up but this effort to eliminate temptation altogether often robs the fairer sex of their humanity.

After college, I found myself wanting to dress a bit nicer.  Perhaps getting older increased my desire to look more like an adult.  A friend who worked in an upscale clothing store gave me some fashion advice and taught me how to tie a necktie.  Soon, I was visiting various department stores to find my own sense of style.  A few years later, this same friend introduced me to a wonderful thrift store called Savers and shopping there greatly expanded my rather limited wardrobe for very little money.

Around the same time, a young priest at St. Mary's in Beverly named Fr. David Barnes was installed as our new pastor.  One of the first things he did was to ask parishioners to dress nicely for Mass because it set the proper tone.  Going to church was important, he told us and what we wore reflected that.  I figured this would be an excuse to try out my different suit and tie combinations.  While some of my fellow parishioners took Fr. Barnes' advice to heart, most made no effort to dress up for Mass.  After a while, I started to feel out of place among a sea of slovenly worshipers.

During the late 1990s and early 2000s, society started to backslide into a nation of slobs.  I first noticed this at a local fancy restaurant that used to attract well-dressed clientele.  Over the years more and more diners began showing up in jeans, t-shirts and baseball caps.  Such casual wear was once nonexistent at funerals but now it's not so unheard of.

Today, flip flops, yoga pants, dad jeans, graphic t-shirts, short pants, and sandals are common fashion choices for Mass because society has forgotten what it means to dress appropriately.  (At one time, the public used to dress up just to travel on airplanes.)  The most common excuse for dressing down is comfort.  Well, even if it's hot out, some fashion choices can keep you cool and looking good as well.  Ditch the wife-beater and wear a nice cabana shirt instead.  I'm not calling for a return to the 1950s but people can make more of an effort to dress appropriately for the situations they are in.  Jeans and t-shirts are fine for the ball game or doing yard work but not so much during Mass or a funeral.  You don't need to wear a suit and tie all the time.  How about putting a belt on a fancier pair of jeans and wearing a crisp collared shirt?

https://www.dailymotion.com/video/x2wqwe1

I don't usually agree with talk show host Bill Maher but he had a wonderful segment on the country's current slob culture and how dressing nice can actually make you feel good about yourself.  While visiting the Madonna Shrine in East Boston, I noticed a sign that advised parishioners to dress correctly.  The teen-aged “me” would have bristled at this term because who were they to say what correct was?  The adult “me” actually appreciates this sign because I feel our slob society has gone too far.

Only When They Want Something

My church fills up with elderly worshipers pretty quickly so if you want to sit in your usual pew, you have to show up about twenty minutes before the Mass begins.  Yesterday, my mother and I arrived a little late so we had to sit a few rows back and closer to the middle.  As usual, I scanned the room to see if there were any people my age in the sea of old people.  Off to the right was a well dressed young lady but she was so far away, I couldn't tell how old she was.  As the Mass progressed, I would occasionally glance over to see if she was still there.  After communion, our pastor commented on what a good thing it was to have younger people at Mass and then he called the young lady up to the lectern to speak about the subject.

As it turned out, the young woman was with FOCUS, the Fellowship of Catholic University Students.  She said young adults were turning away from God in record numbers and FOCUS aimed to change that by providing fellowship and evangelization on college campuses.  She explained 23 was a critical age because that's when young people tended to give up on religion.  According to her, it was imperative parishioners like us supported FOCUS with financial commitments so they could continue to spread the faith to young minds.  I knew there was a catch to having a beautiful young woman show up to Mass!

At the end of services, she stood at the back of the church to talk with parishioners.  Again, I felt abandoned by the Church because there's never any help for people who aged out of the young adult category.  The next day, I checked out the website for FOCUS.  Their tag line was, “You are made for greatness.”  It made me think about my college days.  In the beginning, I was filled with such hope and felt God was calling me to do something wonderful.  By graduation, I was disillusioned and lost.  The website explained how FOCUS was on college campuses across the country adding, “...so chances are, we're on yours.”  This statement is somewhat inaccurate because in all of Massachusetts, only 4 colleges had FOCUS ministries.  We certainly didn't have them at my alma mater.

The website also boasted they were helping young people find the path God had for them and this inspired countless religious vocations and holy, healthy marriages.  They asked us to help them reach the hearts and minds of this generation.  Once again, people my age were being written off.  Too late to help us, I suppose.

The woman from FOCUS told us young people often give up their faith during their college years.  Despite my many set backs in college, I still had some faith left inside me.  It only diminished later on in life when my pleas for help were largely ignored by several priests who did absolutely nothing to provide fellowship and guidance to this lost sheep.  As my mother and I left church, part of me felt like talking to this woman about my struggles but then I figured it wasn't worth the trouble.  She was there to get money for her ministry, not to hear about my struggle to find purpose in life.

The whole incident reminded me of a Mass several years ago at my former parish.  My mother and I sat in our usual pew off to the right and a beautiful girl who I had never seen before walked up the isle.  She turned to me and smiled as she passed by.  All during Mass, I wondered who she was.  Just before the services had ended, our priest called a young man to the lectern to discuss the plight of Palestinian Christians living in the occupied territories.  The girl who had smiled at me was part of this group and they were at our church to sell trinkets in order to raise funds for their charity.  My mother and I went downstairs to see what they had to offer.  The girl looked at me again and said in a quiet voice, “We meet again.”  I pretended not to hear her because she was being friendly just to get money out of me.  I later joked to my mother, “The prospects are so bad at St. Mary's, they have to import attractive women from halfway around the world.”  In both situations, these females had caught my eye but women like that seem to visit my church only when they want something.

You're Not Welcome

A few months ago, I received a group email from my former parish promoting an event called JESUS aCROSS the Border.  Entitled “College Night!  Represent Your Current, Former, or Favorite College” it read:

Join JESUS aCROSS the Border, the umbrella organization which unites over 20 different young adult Catholic groups, for its first college campus event! The event is geared towards young adults, 18-35 years of age, but is open to anyone who would like to find out more about the JESUS aCROSS the Border mission.

Despite saying the gathering was open to all, it was clear people my age weren't welcome.  Why else would they put an age range in the invitation?  My thoughts turned to the young adult pizza nights at my former parish from a few years ago.  I had been urged to attend by my deacon but trying to mingle with so many teens and 20 year olds was an incredibly awkward experience.  The itinerary for JESUS aCROSS the Border also included pizza.

According to the invitation, the event started with Eucharistic adoration and acoustic praise and worship led by Angelique Bolduc of LIFT Ministries.  A young adult Mass followed with Fr. Carlos Suarez as the main Mass celebrant.  It made me wonder exactly what a young adult Mass was.  Does the priest tailor his sermon around the struggles a college student might face?  The “signature networking pizza social” that followed Mass claimed to be “a fantastic opportunity for over 20 Catholic young adult groups to network with one another and for YOU to get to know the many groups out there that are ready to support you in your faith journey!”

After reading the invitation, I wondered why it seemed like every Church event had to hit people over the head with religion.  Sometimes we just want to connect with our fellow Catholics in a less rigid setting.  When I discussed my struggles as a single with the woman who organized young adult events at my former parish, she suggested Eucharistic adoration and the men's Bible study group.  Now if I were feeling lonely and desired the company of a good woman, why on earth would I seek out the men's only group?!  Adoration doesn't really allow for any conversation between its participants.  It just goes to show you how ill-prepared the Church is when singles like me ask for help.

There are some who believe Christ must be the focal point of every church activity and some studies claim when “feel good” events are placed above those focused on Jesus, parishes wither away.  I’ve read other studies where young adults say they became alienated from the Church because activities targeting their age group were too heavy-handed.  Frankly, I don't think there's anything wrong with a more relaxed approach when it comes to Catholic social events.

Our regional bishop wrote in his parish's bulletin how surprised he was to learn the average age young people decide to leave the Church was 13.  It’s not surprising to me because that’s when many of us start to question life's mysteries and wonder about our place in the world.  Wouldn't young people feel more welcomed by a loving community of faith instead of having the Church’s beliefs drilled into them by rote?

The hierarchy must be very worried about the future because now the Pope is actually convening a Synod on Young People, the Faith, and Vocational Discernment to better understand why young people are leaving the faith in droves.  I would have loved something like this during my high school and college years but back then, the Church largely took its young people for granted.  Now they are trying to play catch up.  Will these efforts succeed or is it simply too little too late?

The synod will only focus on Catholics ages 16 to 29 so once again, people like me are not welcome.  We are the forgotten and the Church does not want to acknowledge us.