More Precious Than Rubies

I can count on one hand the number of times a girl my own age has sat next to me in church and still have two fingers to spare.  When such a rare occurrence does happen, nothing ever comes of it.

My church's All Saints' Day Mass was very crowded this year and when my mother and I arrived, our usual pew was already full.  Sitting in the next pew was a pretty girl who I've never seen before.  We motioned to sit next to her but instead of moving into the isle, she let us climb into the pew.  Usually, that's a pet peeve of mine but in this case, it allowed me to sit right next to her.  I've been starving for the company of a female my own age for so long, simply being in close proximity to one gave me a comforting feeling.  I started to imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend or wife.  (People who are called to the priesthood probably don't have these thoughts.)

During Mass, she wasn't saying any of the prayers aloud aside from the Our Father.  Red flag number one.  As a life-long Catholic, I've memorized almost everything anyone says during Mass to the point where reading a missalette isn't necessary.  Was she not very religious and just visiting our church for spiritual inspiration?  I've noticed how some people who shun God suddenly go looking for Him during a time of need.

There was absolutely no body language coming from her to indicate any interest whatsoever.  Red flag number two.  Maybe she already had a boyfriend or husband.  As a long-time Massachusetts resident, I think reading women in this part of the country is difficult to say the least.  Most seem aloof while others appear to be creeped out by members of the opposite sex who aren't their brothers or dads.  Trying to start a conversation with a random woman is like pulling teeth.  Let's say you bring up a subject that might interest her.  Perhaps you see she's holding a camera so you ask about her photography hobby.  The responses women have given me tend to be curt which makes any further small-talk impossible.  I'm sure some of these same women spend time wondering where all the “good men” are.  During my many years of commuting into Boston, only once did a girl walking by ever say hi to me.  More often than not, they tend to look down or look away.  Most of my friends believe New England women are rather snobbish and I think this standoffish posture is the reason why.

As the Mass progressed, it was soon time for the sign of peace.  Hmmm.  How would that go?  She turned and gave me a quick wave and that was it.  Red flag number three.  Ever since the Church allowed people to opt out of physical contact in order to avoid spreading germs, the sign of peace seems too informal nowadays.  Some parishioners don't even bother to say, "Peace be with you."

Soon, it was time to receive the Holy Eucharist and upon returning to our pew, I noticed the girl was no longer there.  After communion, she made a beeline for the door.  Red flag number four.  The former pastor of our church thought this was a very annoying habit so he would tell people in the bulletins and at the altar that Mass was not over until the final blessing.  He wondered what was so important that people stood at the door or left altogether instead of returning to their pews.  It was like walking out on a friend's birthday party right after the candles were blown out.  If we couldn't give God an extra ten minutes during Mass, what did it say about His place in our lives?

As the weeks passed, I never did see that girl in church again but I expected as much.  I've read many Catholic blogs written by single women, so I don't think this problem is exclusive to one gender.  There probably are churches out there where lonely females have similar experiences trying to attract the attention of good Catholic men.  The problem is, Catholic singles of both sexes are so scattered to the four winds, we can't seem to find each other.

One thing is for sure.  The Bible wasn't kidding when it said, “A wife of noble character who can find?  She is far more precious than rubies.”

The Lost Are Still Lost

It's been a little over three months since my parish hosted a question and answer session with Regional Bishop Mark O'Connell.  I had put myself out there by discussing the struggles single Catholics face and telling everyone how lost I felt.  Sadly, nothing has changed.

The simplest action our clergy could take is to acknowledge our existence.  During the Q and A session, the bishop and some of my parish priests heard me ask why no one ever publicly prayed for people like me at Mass yet singles seeking marriage continue to be left off the lengthy list of intentions.  It makes me wonder what my priests see when they spot me sitting in the pews with my mother each week.  Can't they tell how lonely I am?

My parish does have some joyful and sincere men of the cloth but lately a typical sermon tends to boil down to this:  “Every one of us has hardships in life.  Sometimes we are sad and feel like failures but we should rejoice because Jesus loves us.”  You know what?  I need more than that.

Despite Bishop O'Connell describing my conversation as humbling, he hasn't openly addressed the plight of Catholic singles either.  His parish's weekly bulletin highlights many “nuts and bolts” topics regarding the operation of his parish.  That's to be expected but he has also touched upon some pretty trivial matters like why parishioners at St. Theresa's kneel at certain times during Mass or what the symbols on a bishop's ring stand for.  You'd think in between all of this, he could mention some of the issues we discussed.

To my surprise, Bishop O'Connell was featured in the October 10th edition of The Salem News.  The newspaper article began with a short biography but then it focused on increasing vocations to the priesthood.  The reporter asked, “So what is the archdiocese doing to persuade single Catholic men that they too can find joy in service as priests?”  I found this question to be hurtful because it failed to recognize the fact that there are single Catholics with a very different calling in life...one that DOES NOT include a vocation to the priesthood.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/bishop-reach-out-to-lapsed-catholics/article_33cf4980-656f-5f06-966e-bd61886b0a66.htm

“We're not doing enough,” Bishop O'Connell said adding that some parishes have witness talks for men contemplating the seminary and the Archdiocese itself has a full time vocations director and two assistant directors.  The article asserted, “During the last couple of decades, the archdiocese has closed numerous parishes due to the declining number of priests.”  So dwindling Mass attendance and expensive maintenance issues had nothing to do with it?

The bishop suggested each parish had a responsibility to promote priestly vocations adding, “If we could ordain 12 priests a year, we could sustain all of the parishes.”  He continued, “If every parish produced one vocation every 17 years we would be fine.”  I just could not agree with this rosy assessment.  Even if all the parishes within the Archdiocese met that quota, would these new priests be saying Mass in empty churches?

Cited in the newspaper column was a 2014 Pew Research Center study that said the number of church-going Americans dropped slightly from 2007.  I predict this decline will increase exponentially over the next ten years as more and more elderly parishioners pass away.  If the hierarchy focuses on solving the priest shortage but fails to adequately address the Church's other problems, we will not be fine.

I told Bishop O'Connell this during the Q and A session and my long talk with him at St. Theresa's but you'd never know it by reading that article.  Once again, priestly vocations are given top priority while singles who yearn for a spouse aren't even worth mentioning.  I'm left to wonder why so many priests hear but they do not listen.

A Catholic Walks Into A Bar

For this black sheep, few things in life make me feel so out of place than participating in my hometown's nightlife.  Every autumn, the local institution where I volunteer holds an annual meeting which features food, speeches and a small awards ceremony.  Formal wear isn't required but it's an excuse to get dressed up.  The festivities wind down around 9 PM so it leaves a few of us all dressed up with nowhere to go.

After a recent annual meeting, someone suggested going out to a local bar.  Since I didn't have much of a social life, they asked me to join them.  “How will you ever find anyone if you don't try?” one acquaintance remarked.  I decided to tag along just to prove her wrong.

Whether I stay home or go out, the results have always been the same because visiting a bar is one of the most inefficient ways to meet people.  You put all your hope on the random chance a woman with similar interests and beliefs will be sitting there just waiting to strike up a nice conversation.  Being an older Catholic single makes the odds of this happening pretty slim.

That night, six of us went out to a small Irish pub in the downtown.  We found a mostly jeans and t-shirt crowd but I was still wearing my dress shirt, tie, waistcoat and slacks from the annual meeting.  The place was filled with tattooed hipster millennials since there was an art college nearby.  Guess the odds didn't play out in my favor.

Our small group started ordering drinks but I only had water.  We joked to the waitress that I was the designated driver but in reality, I just didn't like the taste of many alcoholic beverages.  That didn't stop my acquaintances from offering me a sip of whatever concoction they ordered.  Hmmm.  Feeling awkward and being pressured to drink.  Why don't I go out more often?

They racked up a pretty hefty tab because in their minds, alcohol equaled happiness and they didn't care if they got wasted.  One person from the group had even suffered a mild heart attack the week before but that did not curtail his intake.  It just happened to be open mic night so when the mildly talented singers belted out the tunes, it was difficult to hear what anyone at our table was saying.  Later, two strange looking old women shuffled in with a guitar to do a dramatic poetry reading that was just awful.

As my acquaintances enjoyed more adult beverages, one of them thought I was being a bit uptight for refusing to order a drink.  He then asked if I had ever been laid.  Suddenly, all eyes were on me but I told them it was none of their business.  As a devout Catholic, I had encountered this question a few times before but there was no good way to answer it.  If I said yes, they would want to know details.  If I said no, I'd be the butt of their jokes.  As they continued to pry, I just acted dumb until they found something else to talk about.  When I got up to go to the bathroom, the smell of marijuana wafted in from the back deck.  There was absolutely nothing here for me so after awhile, I decided to leave.

Experiences like this make me wonder why alcohol must be a night on the town's central focus.  I don't see anything wrong with moderate drinking especially if your beverage compliments a meal but people get carried away.  Perhaps this is why I think those Theology on Tap events seem very gimmicky.

Single Catholics don't have many options when it comes to finding a spouse but the bar scene seems like a big waste of time and money.  How often should we go to the local watering hole before we realize there just isn't anyone there for us?

A World Of Lower Standards

Aside from a few bars, there isn't much for single people to do in my hometown.  (That's really bad for me because I don't drink socially.)  Recently, a woman on the community's Facebook group complained about this and decided to create her own Facebook page for local singles.  Members were invited to post meet ups or any other activities that appealed to the unattached.  She then categorized us into age groups and I suddenly found myself lumped in with people in their late 50s!

In fact, most of the site's members were women in their 40s and 50s but almost all of them had kids.  It made me wonder what the heck happened to the sanctity of marriage.  When some of them started complaining about how lonely they were, I felt it was a bit unfair because at one time they had boyfriends or husbands to sleep with.  Try walking in my shoes.

Some of them seemed very jaded.  When a cooking class was pitched as a possible meet up, a woman said she wanted to go just to discover new recipes...not to meet men.  With an attitude like that, why was she part of this group?  In another post, one woman said she was going to spend her Saturday night at home with a good book.  A few females then suggested they all get together to form a reading club.  Now what kind of signal did that send the opposite sex?

I decided to ask the group if anyone wanted to go mountain bike riding on a nearby rail trail but no one took me up on the offer.  This wasn't surprising because it looked like many of the people here didn't get a lot of exercise.  Unfortunately, the word “single” means many different things: Never married and no kids, never married with kids, divorced with or without children and widowed with or without children.  Not all of these groups have the same expectations.

After showing this Facebook page to a few acquaintances, they said I was being too picky.  I told them “too picky” was refusing to go out with a woman because she had green eyes and blonde hair.  There were good reasons for some of my preferences.  Even if we looked beyond religious beliefs, dating someone with kids added extra pressures to a relationship right off the bat and if a woman is divorced, isn't it natural to wonder why her marriage broke apart?

One of these acquaintances thought I was being too judgmental so she asked if potential suitors had to be thin and good looking too.  I told her a girlfriend who took care of herself would be nice but my definition of beauty was slightly more quirky than what society put on a pedestal.  Then she wondered if I would ever date anyone outside my own religion.  Keep in mind, this acquaintance was Jewish and had a husband who shared her faith.  She was also very liberal so I asked her, “If you were still single, would you date a Trump supporter?”  Of course she wouldn't.  Did that make her close-minded?

Over the years, I've noticed proponents of tolerance try to make us feel guilty for our personal preferences.  We all have attractions.  Some of them aren't that important but others are deal-breakers.  I'd like a girlfriend who has made similar sacrifices for her beliefs.  My acquaintance thought I was looking for the impossible adding, “If a woman is in her 40s and has never had a serious relationship then you should ask yourself what's wrong with her.”  Now who was being judgmental?

Some people find Catholic values so inconceivable, they have to goad anyone who embraces them toward sin.  They'll tell us we should give up on celibacy and just enjoy ourselves.  No one saves themselves for marriage anymore so we need to lower our standards.  Divorce and broken families are just an inevitable part of life.  People fall out of love all the time so it's no big deal.  Advice like that reminds me of the peer pressure found on elementary school playgrounds: “Everyone else is doing it.  Why aren't you?”

In this age of diversity and tolerance, there doesn't seem to be much room for devout Catholics.  That's why singles like me need the Church to step up with increased fellowship and support.  We certainly won't find what we're looking for in a world of lower standards.

More Of The Same

Bishop Mark O'Connell had recommended I check out a weekly summer reading group at his parish because there were a few 40 year olds who regularly attended.  The meetings targeted millennials but everyone was welcome.  Participants read and discussed chapters from the book What Catholics Really Believe by Karl Keating.  I decided to take him up on the offer but doubts lingered in the back of my mind.

A sign inside the lobby of St. Theresa's said "Calling All Millennials" and directed me to a small conference room.  Sitting at the table were an elderly couple, a guy in his 60s and the instructor who was also older.  A married woman in her 30s arrived a little later.  Everyone was friendly and we had a nice discussion while reading about purgatory but the group wasn't exactly what I was looking for.  The instructor did say two women in their 40s usually joined them but both were married.  Just my luck!  I sent the bishop an e-mail a few days later to let him know I probably wouldn't be attending any more of these meetings.

The visit had me thinking about an experience at my former parish, St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly.  A few years ago, I asked Deacon Joens why our church didn't have anything geared towards older singles.  Even though the young adult group's age limit was 35, he suggested I attend saying, "No one is checking IDs at the door."  Except for the instructor, everyone there was much younger and I felt very awkward.  The deacon dropped by for a few minutes to say hi but as the months passed, he never bothered to follow up with me.  Eventually, the group was quietly disbanded due to a lack of young adults.  Did anyone care I had nowhere to go in my own church?  Apparently not because as the months passed, the parish website continued to promote the young adult group as an active ministry.

It's very easy for people to give Catholic singles "helpful" advice when they have nothing at stake.  In my e-mail to Bishop O'Connell, I said people like me just aren't a priority.  To help him understand what many Catholic singes had to endure, I added two links:

One was for the blog The Hidden Faithful:
https://thehiddenfaithful.wordpress.com/

The other was to an article entitled How Churches Today Abandon Christian Singles:
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single

I told the bishop to pay particular attention to the comments section on each site but he never sent a response.  Why am I not surprised?  While many within the Church joyfully promote vocations to the priesthood and religious life, no one seems to lose any sleep thinking about how lonely Catholic singles are.  Just kick the can down the road as months, years and even decades pass by.

A while ago, someone told me the young adult group at St. Mary's was back and they extended the age range to include people in their 40s.  Their Facebook page had photos of many young people enjoying themselves at a pub but an event page showed some incredibly low numbers so I contacted the woman who ran the ministry to learn more.  She admitted they were struggling as a group with attendance as high as 15 but usually hovering around 5.  The number of single, married, dating, men and women were evenly split.  Ages ranged from college students to people in their 30s with most of the over 40 crowd bowing out after having been members for awhile.  Perhaps they felt out of place?

She said St. Mary's also had a men's prayer group, mixed bible study and daily Eucharistic adoration.  I wondered to myself how any of these ministries would help me as a Catholic single.  She even suggested I try to find a Theology on Tap group.  Bishop O'Connell had recommended this too saying there was a Theology on Tap in Ayer, MA with a nice middle aged crowd.  I e-mailed the woman who ran that group and explained my situation.  She replied, "I don't think we fully meet what you are looking for, but it is the same reason we continue to have a strong TOT group 8 years later.  We weigh more toward the older and married side of things."  Ayer is a long drive for a gathering that probably wouldn't meet my expectations.

I don't think the Catholic Church knows what to do with older singles like me which is a shame because we need our religion to be there for us.  Rejecting the hookup culture of secular society makes finding a spouse incredibly difficult.  Being shuffled around to different ministries that don't quite address our concerns is not the answer.

A Choice For The Archdiocese

My continued discussion with Bishop Mark O'Connell expanded upon the remaining topics I had brought up during his visit to my church.  It started to rain and the low rumble of thunder interrupted our conversation a few times.  Was that another omen?

I bluntly told the bishop with all the difficulties facing the Catholic Church, the hierarchy had a choice: ignore what people like me had to say and watch more parishes wither away or listen to our concerns and try to change course.  I gave several examples where the Boston Archdiocese's arrogance had turned people off.  Instead of being warm and caring, the hierarchy hid behind well-paid lawyers and spokespeople.  A skeptical public sees right through this.  I felt the Archdiocese desperately needed a passionate leader because Cardinal Sean O'Malley seemed too cold and reserved.

When I mentioned how the closure of St. Frances Xavier Cabrini in Scituate was mishandled, the bishop agreed but he commended Cardinal O'Malley for not kicking parishioners out when they held a continuous vigil in that church for over ten years.  I thought if the cardinal had been willing to listen, the controversy never would have happened to begin with.  Trauma from the first wave of church closures ran deep.  Our religion places a lot of importance on creating beautiful houses of worship.  (Just look at the Vatican.)  At my former parish, priests and laity alike would say how beautiful our church was.  Even Cardinal O'Malley's blog praised the recent renovations at St. Mary the Annunciation in Danvers.  Yet, when houses of worship have to close, the hierarchy does an about-face saying, “The church is the people not the building.”

We talked more about needless renovations.  Bishop O'Connell had actually served at St. Mary's in Danvers during the 1990s.  When the parish created a parking lot a couple of years ago, they tore down a beloved Victorian which further alienated the community.  A plan to save the house was ignored by the pastor and another opportunity to show average citizens our faith's compassion and gentleness was lost.  This same stubbornness resurfaced at my former parish in Beverly when the pastor there tore up a cherished garden for a parking lot that parishioners never asked for.

Then I explained how the collaborative plan in Beverly was faltering.  In fact, it was our new pastor's attitude that sent my mother and me looking for a new church.  I told the bishop we weren't living in the dark ages anymore.  If a priest does something wrong, it's unrealistic to believe parishioners will simply follow him with blind obedience.

We both didn't know how to reach the younger generation.  A summer reading group meant for St. Theresa's millennials only attracted older parishioners.  I said many young people today completely dismissed religion and the Church's position on gay marriage was a big wedge issue for millennials.  The bishop thought the Church's teachings weren't fully understood and that's why he wanted to reach out to more people including those who felt marginalized.

We had a lot to say about the sex scandal.  I challenged the Church to do more to satisfy the concerns of victims.  Bishop O'Connell said not all of the accused priests were guilty so there had to be a balance between total transparency and protecting the lives of innocent priests.  Both sides had done things to cause mistrust and that included taking some of the bishop's own statements out of context to portray him as uncaring.  While many in America thought Cardinal Law was a fugitive from justice, Rome believed his resignation and reassignment to a lowly position was punishment.  Bishop O'Connell raised many interesting points I had never heard before because the Archdiocese's approach for so long has been to keep silent.

I suggested the Church do exactly what we were doing right now: have more open, honest and respectful conversations...with everyone.  Reach out to victims groups despite past suspicions.  Stop seeing websites like BishopAccountability.org and Boston Catholic Insider as threats because exposing corruption was their way of trying to make the Church stronger.  People respect honesty and when you speak the truth, you don't have to worry about what deceptive thing a spokesperson said three months ago.  I asked the bishop if he could go on local TV and talk about the sex scandal the way he was talking to me.  He said Cardinal O'Malley probably wouldn't have a problem with it but others who handled public relations might.  What a shame because I think in these times, there was a real hunger for honesty.

We spoke for two hours and during that time, Bishop O'Connell appeared to be very sincere.  He appreciated my strong faith but I told him my faith felt very weak.  I was angry with God for sending me down such an uncertain path.  Then I asked if anyone else had brought up similar concerns during his Q and A sessions at other parishes.  He replied, “You're unique.”  Before we wrapped things up, I wondered what would happen to the information he collected at these meetings.  The bishop said he didn't have the authority to change things on his own but if Cardinal O'Malley called on him, he would definitely share what we had discussed.  I found this to be somewhat disheartening.  How much longer would I have to wait for changes that should have happened many years ago?

The Next Step?

During the question and answer session with Bishop Mark O'Connell, he suggested we stay in touch because there might be some things he could do to help with my struggles as a single Catholic.  I sent him an e-mail a few days later and asked what the next step was.  The bishop was also pastor of St. Theresa of Lisieux in Reading, MA so he invited me to meet him there to continue the conservation.  After contacting his secretary, she scheduled an appointment for early August.  It was wonderful that someone from the hierarchy was actually willing to listen and perhaps learn.  I hoped some good would come from all this.

St. Theresa's had pared down architecture that was typical of modern churches.  It was set back from the main road so I drove by the place and had to make a u-turn.  I parked next to the rectory which looked liked your average suburban home.  After ringing the doorbell, a secretary greeted me and then led me to a small waiting room.  On a table was a large white bible so I decided to open it to a random page and place my finger on a passage without looking.  I landed on “Then sometimes the priests take the silver and gold from their gods and spend it on themselves or give part of it to the harlots on the terrace.”  Was this some sort of omen?  Bishop O'Connell popped in to say hi for a moment because he was running late.  I looked around the room and noticed a picture on the wall of St. Theresa's done in pencil.

About ten minutes later, the bishop returned after locating his cell phone and we walked to a nearby conference room that looked like it had once been a living room.  I had no idea where to begin so Bishop O'Connell asked me about my life.  I mentioned being a caregiver for my parents, the struggle to find a steady career and some of the volunteer work I've performed over the years.  He said it sounded like my life was in a rut.  No argument there but I was disappointed he seemed to dismiss the value of my sacrifices.  Don't we often hear sermons about taking up your cross no matter the burden?  This line of questioning was really off-putting so I suggested we focus on issues relating to the Church itself.  After all, women might not find some of my life choices to be very appealing but if there are no eligible members of the opposite sex around in the first place, my shortcomings were moot.

Again, I wondered why there was little help for Catholic singles.  The Boston Archdiocese used to have lectures, retreats and even boat cruises for young adults.  Bishop O'Connell said they still do but I needed to stop using the term young adult since I wasn't one.  His brusqueness surprised me because referring to myself as a young adult appeared to be a subconscious habit since my congregation was filled with so many elderly parishioners.  This misstep in the conversation reminded me of the time my former pastor nitpicked me for calling the young adult group at our church the youth group.  He knew what I meant so why not just get to the heart of the matter?

I told the bishop many priests actually discouraged singles with a calling to be married because they didn't want fellowship events to become “meat markets.”  He seemed amused by that slang term so I said it sometimes appeared on blogs about Catholic singles.  Then I asked if he had ever read any of those blogs.  Bishop O'Connell said no because he wasn't single.  How dispiriting.  To help solve this problem, priests should at the very least be willing to familiarize themselves with our struggles and a good way to do that is to read what other single Catholics have to say.

When I suggested the Church take bold steps to encourage matchmaking like giving away online dating memberships, he balked at the idea.  I asked where the harm was since the Church often threw money out the window on some truly wasteful expenditures.  God forbid lonely Catholic singles actually find dates, get married, have kids and help renew the faith.  Bishop O'Connell did say St. Theresa's had a group that met on Monday evenings and there were a few people in their 40s who regularly attended.  He suggested I check it out.

Sadly, I could see our conversation on Catholic singles wasn't turning out to be very productive so I decided to switch gears and discuss many of the other issues facing the Church that I had mentioned during the Q and A session.