A Call To Action

Disappointed with Cardinal Sean O'Malley's response to my letter regarding the plight of Catholic singles seeking marriage, I decided to write to him again.    

Dear Cardinal Sean,

I am thankful for your prompt response to my letter regarding singles who are unable to fulfill their vocation to Holy Matrimony.  My pleas for help were a call to action not just for me but for the many Catholic singles who also feel abandoned by the Church.

My letter asked if anyone was giving much thought to those of us who are called to marriage but cannot find a spouse.  Unfortunately, this question remains unanswered and the only piece of advice you gave me was to get involved in activities in my local parish since you felt they provided the best opportunities “for developing friendships and relationships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.”  As I said before, the parishes that I've belonged to or visited have mostly elderly parishioners with some families so parish activities never offered good opportunities to meet like-minded adults seeking marriage.  Some people have suggested befriending those elderly parishioners since they could have daughters or grandchildren who are also seeking marriage but after many years of trying, it just hasn’t happened.  In fact, the reason I wrote to you was because our parishes have consistently failed to address the very real needs of singles seeking marriage.

Even though our struggles have gone largely unnoticed in real life, a quick search of the virtual world reveals numerous Catholic websites and blogs that have devoted considerable space to this topic.  These sites are usually filled with reader comments from brokenhearted singles who feel very hurt by the Church's indifference.  Perhaps you could check out some of these websites to better understand our plight?
   
For such a long time, I have asked for bread only to receive a stone.  The priests and bishops who have heard my pleas for help thank me for my strong faith but then do nothing.  Such a response risks weakening a person's faith and it has definitely weakened mine.  Please don't be so quick to dismiss the concerns I have brought to your attention.  My challenge to you and others in the Church is to start talking about this problem and to think about ways to bring singles together beyond the once-a-year National Catholic Singles Conference that many cannot attend due to cost and geographical distance.  The healthy future of our Catholic religion is at stake.

What will happen to all those elderly-filled parishes in the next 20 years?  Our priests might find themselves saying Mass in empty houses of worship.  It makes me wonder if places like the Carmelite Chapel will see another 60 years.  As Cardinal, your very presence attracts a large number of enthusiastic worshipers but this tends to skew the true number of parishioners who show up to Mass on a weekly basis.  Many of our parishes are dying a slow death but the response from my pastors over the years has been to focus on exterior things that do very little to increase the number of weekly worshipers like needless renovations to churches that are already beautiful.  Helping singles who actually want to get married and raise children in loving Catholic homes could be a great source of renewal for our suffering Church.

Not being able to fulfill your vocation is a very painful thing.  Imagine if someone had told you that you couldn't be a priest.  Would you simply accept this or would you feel like there was something missing in your life?  Embracing Catholic values automatically puts a person at odds with what our secular society holds dear so singles like me need the Church to be there for us.  I hope you will take some time to reflect upon what is written here and then take action.  Your prayers are most welcome but something more needs to be done. 

After mailing my letter, I viewed Cardinal Sean's blog and discovered he was in Rome attending a pro-life conference.  A few days later, he traveled to Spain so it was unlikely he would read my call to action anytime soon.  Once again it seems like our shepherds are too busy and too inaccessible to truly understand the needs of their lost sheep.

I also wondered if writing the Cardinal somehow placed my name and address on file with the Office of the Boston Archdiocese.  Did my letter get flagged and tossed into some kind of “loony bin” where it would never see the light of day?  If so, that would be very unfortunate because the Church is in serious trouble and our spiritual leaders can no longer afford to ignore the pleas of its Catholic singles.

A Letter from the Cardinal

A little over two weeks had passed since I handed Cardinal Sean O'Malley my letter regarding the struggles of Catholic singles when his reply arrived in the mail.  The quick response time seemed like a good sign but I feared receiving nothing more than a generic form letter.  The Cardinal wrote:

Allow me this moment to acknowledge your letter presented following my celebration of Mass in observance of the 60th Anniversary of the Carmelite Chapel at he North Shore Mall.  Thank you for taking the time to join us for that wonderful celebration.

Please know of my appreciation for sharing with me your very personal reflection concerning your seeking marriage in the Church with a faithful Catholic woman.  The vocation of marriage is indeed of great importance in the life of the Church and the witness a Catholic husband and wife is of great value.

It is commendable that you have given significant time and effort to work with the life of the Church in pursuit of Catholic marriage.  Regarding opportunities for interacting with women who also would be seeking that vocation, it might be that involvement in activities in the local parish would provide the best opportunities.  As you note, parishes do promote programs for families, young adults and vocations.  It has been my experience that parishes also offer opportunities for developing friendships and relationships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.  I pray that your dedication and commitment to the vocation of Catholic marriage will be fulfilled through the life of the Church.

With the assurance of a remembrance in my prayer for you and all whom you hold dear, I remain

Sincerely yours in Christ,

Sean O'Malley

Archbishop of Boston

After reading the letter, my heart sank.  For a very well-worded document, it really didn't say much of anything.  In fact, the only concern of mine that Cardinal O'Malley specifically addressed was about my struggles as a single on the parish level...but he completely missed the point!  My reason for writing him in the first place was because our churches have not been providing help for their singles since most parishioners tend to be elderly or families.  Despite the Cardinal's assurances, parish activities offer no “opportunities for developing friendships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.”

In that moment, I felt so very low.  Had I been someone important, perhaps the Cardinal would have been more receptive to my heartfelt pleas.  But I'm just a nobody and once again our clergy has demonstrated they can't even begin to understand the difficulties single Catholics with a call to Holy Matrimony face.

Instead of giving me a sense of comfort and making me feel closer to God, Cardinal Sean's letter left me a little angry.  I have endured a tremendous amount of ridicule and loneliness for the sake of my Catholic faith.  We need our shepherds to be there for us especially when we ask for their help.

A Letter to the Cardinal

The dedication plaque at the entrance to the Carmelite Chapel

Earlier this month, the priests running Carmelite Chapel in the Northshore Mall decided to celebrate the house of worship's 60th anniversary with a Mass led by Cardinal Sean O'Malley.  I figured this would be a good opportunity to let him know about the struggles many Catholic singles faced.

I planned to write his eminence a letter and then hand it to him after Mass but there was so much to discuss, it became difficult to narrow everything down.  Thanks to a busy work schedule, the end of the week arrived and I still hadn't typed anything up yet.  About an hour before Mass, I cleared my mind and just put pen to paper.

Dear Cardinal Sean,

I was wondering if anyone in our Holy Church is giving much thought to those of us who are called to marriage but cannot find a spouse?  The “Catholic singles crisis” seems to be talked about on blogs but very little is done on the parish or regional level to help those of us who struggle to fulfill their vocation to marriage. 

On an average day, the Carmelite Chapel sees fewer than 5 worshipers under the age of 50 during Mass.  Other parishes that I've been to have mostly elderly with some families and a few young adults but singles like me seem to be far and few in between.  Parish activities so far have only focused on families, prayer, or encouraging vocations to the priesthood.  Why isn't more being done to encourage marriage?

I've asked 3 pastors, two bishops, and several priests this only to be dismissed over the decades.  When I wanted to form my own young adult group at St. Mary's in Beverly, the pastor at the time shot this idea down.  Now I have long “aged out” of being in any young adult group.  Catholic singles are invisible to most people in the Church.  I can't understand this.  With dwindling attendance at Mass, shouldn't the Church do much more to bring singles together to get married and have families that are raised in loving Catholic homes?

I think men who see life-long celibacy as a virtue don't see what a defeat it is if you have been called to marriage.  Being single is lonely and at times painful.  I am called to Holy Matrimony but have no way to fulfill this calling.  When you embrace the Church's moral values, it shrinks the dating pool significantly and as the years go by, it becomes so much more difficult to find a good Catholic spouse.

One priest said to me, “40 is the new 30.  You still have time to have a family.”  40 is 40.  Women at that age face increasing infertility.  (Satan laughs when devout Catholic women who still seek a husband can no longer have children.)  Another priest suggested I try Catholic internet dating.  I have and these websites are terrible.  There are very few active members on them despite their claims of large numbers of singles and only a small fraction of people on these sites actually find spouses.

Something more needs to be done at the Church level.  Priests, the Pope and you need to help Catholic singles.  (A once-a-year conference in some far away state just doesn't do anything to help people like me.)  Start talking about this problem.  Stop selling me a vocation to the priesthood.  This is not my calling.  It is also not God's will either.  Please help us black sheep of the Catholic Church.
   
When I finished writing this letter, the Mass had already started and by the time I arrived at the unusually packed Carmelite Chapel, Cardinal Sean's sermon was over.  After Mass, Cardinal O'Malley stayed in the chapel's hallway to greet parishioners.  Now was my chance.  I shook his hand and asked if I could give him a letter that shared my perspective on being a Catholic single adding, “It's nothing mean.”  He smiled and said yes so I handed him the letter, thanked him and then went on my way.  I don't have high hopes anything will come of this but I had to try.  At the very least, Cardinal O'Malley now knows there are Catholic singles out there who need his (and the Church's) help.  He can choose to do something about it or he can dismiss my pleas like so many clergy have done before.

Caregiving's Double Whammy

A fellow co-worker who also helps his elderly mother with her health needs once told me about a billboard he saw while driving into Boston.  The advertisement for AARP featured a child with her mother and then that same child as an adult with her elderly mother behind the caption “Roles Change.”  He admitted seeing this made him feel a little sad.  In my opinion, one of the most painful things about being a caregiver for an elderly parent is seeing them suffer.  These once able-bodied people brought us into the world and sacrificed so much to make sure we had good upbringings but now they rely on us for some of their most basic needs.  

As if this wasn't enough, caregiving can also cut us down in another way by seriously stunting our social lives.  My mother doesn't drive anymore so it's up to me to take her to doctors appointments, food shopping, Mass or wherever else she wants to go.  Coupled with my busy work schedule, this leaves very little “me time” beyond decompressing in front of the TV or computer for a while.  I imagine how great it would be to spend those hours hanging out with a girlfriend.  Too bad we can't save all that wasted time for when better days finally arrive.

When my mother and I go to a restaurant for lunch or dinner there's usually only elderly patrons around so the chances of even seeing a pretty girl are slim to none.  There have even been times when we have gone to a restaurant in the early afternoon after a doctor's appointment and the place is devoid of customers.  Talk about a portrait of isolation with all those empty chairs and tables.

And then there are those many doctors appointments.  I get to see other people (mostly elderly) in waiting rooms who are in various degrees of suffering.  As terrible as all this sounds, I'm glad to make these sacrifices for my mother even though I long for a more balanced life.  In the Bible it's written “My child, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if his mind fails, be patient with him; because you have all your faculties do not despise him.  For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, and will be credited to you against your sins.”  I'm the only one my mother has to help her out and nothing brings this point home more than when she leans on me when we walk somewhere.

You'd think all of this would be seen as a positive by eligible single women.  Here's a guy who is putting his life on hold to care for a loved one.  He is going above and beyond to make sure family comes first.  If he does all of this for his mother, he will certainly be there for his future wife too.  But I find most women don't think like this at all.  They see a caregiver as a mamma's boy whose life isn't where it should be.  Our sacrifices instill fears that we could wind up paying more attention to our parents than them.  Over the years, there's been only one female around my age who thought my efforts as a caregiver were admirable, but then again, she was just a friend and didn't have to date me! 

After checking out the Catholic internet dating scene for a while now, I am amazed by all the women who say how important it is for their prince charming to be “goal-oriented” and “established” in his career.  As a caregiver, my career path isn't where I'd like it to be but I still make money.  This could be seen as a positive.  Here's a guy who sucked up his pride and got back on his feet with a lower-status job when life threw him for a loop.  Isn't that preferable to the man who lost his high-status job and wastes a lot of time searching for something similar?

With all of my mother's health issues, I am not that goal-oriented right now because we live our lives one day at a time.  You'd think on a Catholic dating website, moral choices would win out over secular ones but as someone once pointed out to me, women like stability.  It's ingrained into their genetics.  If they are the ones who have children, then the man is seen as the provider and the more success in his life, the more attractive he becomes.  If that's the case, then being a caregiver must make me one very unattractive guy.

The Loneliest Place On Earth

It all started sometime in November.  My mother had been prescribed medication to clear up a possible infection in her foot but the side effects were causing sharp pains in her back.  She thought it was bearable as long as she didn't make any twisting motions.  Her doctor didn't feel the back pain was worth looking into but as the weeks passed, her discomfort got worse.  She said it felt like someone was stabbing her with a knife and there were times when the pain was so bad, she started to cry.  Unfortunately, her doctor was all booked up for the next couple of weeks so she would have to live with the pain until then.

In the meantime, we tried to make the best of it and decorated for Christmas albeit on a much smaller scale.  When my mother was finally able to see the doctor for a second time, she insisted someone take an x-ray of her back.  The results were not good.  A long career in nursing which included a severe on-the-job back injury in the 1980s had finally taken its toll.  There was arthritis in her lower spine and some cartilage in her vertebrae had worn away to nothing.  Now she desperately needed to see a spine specialist so an appointment was set up for next week.  Again, she had to wait all that time in pain.  After a couple of days of this, my mother couldn't even get out of her chair.  I found myself calling 911 for an ambulance so she could go to the emergency room.  It would be a long night.

I drove to the ER a few minutes behind the ambulance and after the woman at the front desk gave me a visitor's pass, she told me to have a seat in their very large waiting room.  The place was almost empty except for one other person.  It just happened to be an unusually quiet night.  As I sat down with only the noise from a television in the background, God seemed so far away.  In that moment, this hospital waiting room felt like the loneliest place on earth.

After about twenty minutes, I was finally brought into the ER to see my mother.  The look of discomfort on her face was such a pathetic sight.  As the hours slowly passed, the nurses tried in vain to make her feel comfortable.  It was almost 4 AM when my mother was given a shot of morphine and the attending doctor eventually decided to send her home with a prescription for Oxycodone.  While the nurses got her ready to be discharged, I walked into the cold early-morning darkness to fetch the car.  “My life is over,” I thought to myself.

For years, I sacrificed to be a caregiver for my elderly parents only to encounter one defeat after another.  So numerous were the trips to the emergency room, that I lost count a long time ago.  My soul felt very empty as if all my hopes and dreams for a better life had suddenly disappeared.  The nurse wheeled my mother to the curb when I pulled up with the car.  We thanked her and then drove off.  With my father deceased and a brother who seemed unwilling to help, my mother and I struggled to hold onto what little we had.  I sometimes thought of the song, “You and Me Against the World.”

A couple of days later, my brother did come down for a visit only to see my mother doing better.  After a few hours of chit chat, he headed for home without truly understanding all the anguish she had just experienced.  Then as day turned to night, the pain returned and the Oxycodone she had been prescribed didn't even help.  By morning, her pain was so bad, she couldn't even get out of bed.  I called 911 for an ambulance again and this time the fire department was brought in to help the EMTs navigate our narrow second story staircase.  We returned to the ER but the attending doctor was arrogant and didn't offer much help.  He even tried to dissuade my mother from being admitted into the hospital but I said, “What I'm I going to do with her at home?!  Call an ambulance for a third time?!  She's in pain.  The hospital is the best place for her!”

My mother was finally admitted and as doctors spent the next few days struggling to find some relief for her pain, the “case manager” was hoping to send her on her way in order to save the hospital money.  To top it all off, she shared her room with an illegal alien whose visiting family was incredibly noisy and inconsiderate.  During those few days, I returned to an empty house and wondered what life would be like if my mother passed away.  Not even the Christmas decorations we had set up brought the spirit of the holidays close.

My mother was eventually discharged so she could get to her appointment with that spine specialist.  After picking her up at the hospital, I drove directly to his office.  She was in tremendous pain and needed my support just to walk.  The specialist set up an appointment to inject her back as soon as possible adding that had the hospital bothered to contact him, he could have treated her a few days ago.  The first round of injections did get rid of my mother's violent stabbing pain pretty quickly but more appointments and physical therapy were needed.  She was able to celebrate Christmas feeling somewhat achy but nowhere near the level of pain that plagued her for most of December.

This experience was nothing short of psychological torture for me.  To see a loved one in so much pain they exclaim, “How am I going to live like this?!”  Being a caregiver is certainly not for the faint of heart but instead of seeing our sacrifices as a great act of love, some continue to dismiss all that we have been through.  Many of us were lucky enough have a nice holiday dinner surrounded by friends and family but my thoughts and prayers are with my fellow caregivers who must travel a less than ideal path during the Christmas season.

A Matter of Perspective

After cashing my paycheck for the week, I usually top off the car's gas tank at a nearby filling station.  More often than not, the man behind the counter is a quiet Indian gentleman who doesn't say much beyond hello.

Earlier this month, I pulled into this station as usual.  “15 dollars on pump 5.  Regular,” I said to the man behind the counter who again, didn't say much.  I then walked back to the car and started to fill the gas tank but in the corner of my eye was a figure standing next to me.  It was the quiet gentleman from behind the counter.  He told me that I always smelled good, dressed nice and was very handsome so he wondered if I had a girlfriend.  I reluctantly answered, “No.”  He then asked, “So no wife?  No children?”  Again, I answered no adding that this town tended to attract people who were already married and that made things difficult for the singles who lived here.  He then said I should join a gym because there were many attractive women there.  They hit on him all the time but he had to tell them he was married.  Out of politeness, I asked what gym he went to.  After he told me, we wrapped up our conversation and he went back inside.  I found the entire experience to be incredibly awkward.

Later that day, I told a few acquaintances about this incident and they didn't think much of it.  “He was just looking out for you,” said one of them.  Another wondered if he had a daughter and was trying to set her up with me.  Despite these explanations, it still felt wrong on so many levels.  Someone I hardly knew got very personal very fast.  What was it about me that made him drop what he was doing to chat about my (lack-of-a) relationship status?  I guess the only silver lining in all of this was the fact that he was married and didn't appear to be hitting on me.

I started to think about all the times I've been complimented on my looks from total strangers.  The largest offenders by far have been elderly women.  Since dressing nice seems to be a lost art in this slob culture, I guess my fashion sense must be a refreshing sight to them.  But it crosses a line when they say things like, “If I was only 30 years younger.”  This is not something a dateless wonder like me wants to hear!

As far back as my late teens, I remember hearing these compliments from older people as I struggled to find a girlfriend.  All throughout high school and college, I seemed to fly under the radar of women my own age and in the years since, I've never had any of them pick me out of a crowd to chat or praise my fashion sense.  In fact, women my age never seem to give any hint they find me interesting at all.  The signals they do send range from cold indifference to mildly annoyed.

During a recent discussion on a Catholic dating chat room, I explained my chronic bad luck at finding a date.  A divorced woman who was ten years older than me thought I was being too hard on myself and wondered if I suffered from low self-esteem.  I told her it wasn't low self-esteem.  It was reality.  There was something about me that didn't catch the eye of women my own age.  She questioned this and said I had classic good looks.  If that was the case then what the heck was wrong with women my own age?  Were they blind or did they only like musclebound jocks?  Maybe they feared most men.  Perhaps their expectations were so high, they routinely overlooked the decent guys who stood right in front of them?  Elsewhere in this chat room some of the women talked about how sexy it was to see a guy in a suit and tie and then they lamented all the profiles with poorly dressed men.  Well, my profile picture featured a nicely coordinated suit and tie combination.  Maybe women my age don't know what they want.

I may not be the hunkiest guy in the world, but people have given me far too many compliments to believe that I'm repulsive.  Recently, a couple of new co-workers were amazed when they found out how old I really was because they said I looked much younger.  So why is it that I run into these very different perspectives?

Frankly, I think a lot of women in this part of the country tend to be stuck up.  They pine for boyfriends but have no trouble shooting men down who dare try starting a conversation with them.  Then when they're old and have “lost their looks” they have no trouble being flirtatious because any attention from a handsome younger guy is welcome since it's been so long since they've been thought of as sexy.

One thing is for sure, it's a sad thing when you have total strangers coming out of the woodwork to pay you a compliment but no woman your own age will do the same.

The Creep Factor

A popular early-autumn attraction for those of us living along Boston's North Shore region is the Topsfield Fair which features agricultural exhibits in several buildings, carnival rides, a midway, tractor pulls, and concerts.

As a child, my family went to the fair nearly every year and memories include being introduced to delicious fried dough and German fries, my first pony ride, a woman in one exhibit hall feeding a bee by placing honey on her finger, my dad winning a stuffed blue parrot for me (as opposed to the more common red ones), farm animals and their strong smells, police dog demonstrations, and seeing WBZ's Incredible Broadcast Machine.  (The mobile radio studio appeared in funny TV ads with longtime DJ Dave Maynard.)  Pro-life activists had even set up an information booth with graphic photos of aborted fetuses and while I was too young to understand those images, my normally devout Catholic mother complained such a display was inappropriate for this setting.

The kiddie coaster was slightly nerve-wracking but the Tilt-a-Whirl made me sick to my stomach.  One space-themed ride featured hand painted murals of American astronauts interacting with Star Wars characters.  Somebody was ignoring copyright laws!  One year, I climbed what seemed like unbelievable heights to ride the giant slide.  Since it was a slow day, the operator let me try it a few more times for free.  But how many goat milking contests and tractor pulls can one person see?  As a teen, the fair seemed boring so we just stopped going.

This year, I found myself feeling a bit nostalgic and toyed with the idea of returning to the Topsfield Fair again.  As usual, the region was plagued by bad rain for a few days so before I knew it, the last day was quickly approaching.  When a favorite restaurant advertised a lobster pie special for Columbus Day, I decided to treat my mother to dinner instead...until she got sick the night before.  With plans canceled, going to the fair seemed like a good choice.

Entering the fairgrounds after such a long absence felt strange.  All around me were joyful families and happy teenagers.  Vendors sold interesting new foods like barbecued turkey legs, loaded baked potatoes and steaming liquid nitrogen drinks.  I was pleasantly surprised to see Anna's Fried Dough again but a small plate of German fries now cost 9 dollars.  My nostalgia didn't justify the price.  A classic carnival ride called The Zipper remained but it was dwarfed by more dizzying attractions.  I also spotted the giant slide and my childhood memories were no exaggeration.  It really was that big!

The midway itself seemed smaller, though.  I checked out some of the agricultural exhibit halls and saw scores of decorated pumpkins along with an award-winning giant pumpkin.  There were horses, pigs, birds and rabbits but by the time I got to the flower exhibit, its contents were being auctioned off.  Most of the chicken exhibit hall was off limits too even though the fair didn't close for another three hours.  When it got dark, the mood of the place changed as some vendors decided to pack up.  I bought a small corn dog at one food stand and was given a free hot dog since they had to clear out their inventory.

Going to the fair by myself also made me feel very self-conscious since there were so many families around.  I was an outsider looking in...pretending to make the most of it but wanting very badly not to be alone anymore.  The creep factor was pretty high and nothing seemed more awkward than a 46-year-old single man among a crowd of children all jockeying to see baby bunnies in the rabbit nursery.

As I continued walking, a 15-year-old girl who I knew stopped to say hi.  She was with a group of friends and I could only imagine what they thought of me.  As we chatted for a moment, I said, “The last time I was at the fair, I was probably your age.”  She highly recommend the homemade bread but I told her that I already filled up on fried dough and hot dogs.  Talking to her made me feel a little more human and since she was old enough to be my daughter, I wondered what it would be like to have kids.  We exchanged goodbyes and then I took one last loop around the midway before going home.

I had a good time for the most part but as a single person, life feels very incomplete and situations like this only seem to underscore that point.  My sojourn to the Topsfield Fair had me thinking of another example where company, or a lack thereof can affect how you feel and how others see you.
   

If you feed pigeons in the park with your girlfriend, it's romantic.  If you feed pigeons with your wife and young children, it's heartwarming.  But if you feed pigeons as a guy who is all by himself, it's pathetic.  Is he antisocial?  Does he like animals more than people?  Does he have mental problems?  We've all heard the stereotypes yet the single man feeding pigeons is doing the exact same thing as the cute couple and the family.  There are some who say we should be happy no matter what our situation in life is because God loves us but humans are social creatures and the company we keep can make all the difference in the world.