Reflections of a Lame Duck Cardinal

The Boston Globe's January 29, 2024 edition featured a front-page article on Cardinal Sean O'Malley.  The interview by reporter Danny McDonald mostly focused on the Cardinal's handling of the priest sex abuse scandal.  O'Malley admitted, “We were in a terrible crisis...” but “We've come a long way...towards establishing a sense of peace.”

He received praise from Boston College professor of theology Thomas Groome who said the Cardinal held offending priests accountable and cared for the victims of sexual abuse.  Eric MacLeish, a local attorney who represented victims from the Fall River area spoke highly of Cardinal O'Malley's tenure in that particular archdiocese saying, “He met with all my clients.  He did the right thing.” 

The Cardinal was not without his critics, however.  President of BishopAccountablity.org Terrance McKiernan described O'Malley as “a fixer” but not an innovator and noted a certain lack of transparency.  McKiernan added that O'Malley's record was not horrible but “he could have done so much more.”  

The article stated when Cardinal O'Malley first arrived in Boston, the Archdiocese had a $15 million deficit and owed another $32 million to the Knights of Columbus for a loan that was used to settle lawsuits.  About $170 million was paid directly to victims and at the close of 2023 a total of $32 million had been spent on counseling and medication for them.  Today, the Boston Archdiocese is in the black but the offertory and tuition at Catholic schools remain flat.

Cardinal Sean (who turns 80 in June of this year) explained that he would likely depart from his post sooner rather than later but he had no knowledge of a timeline or a replacement.  He acknowledged the Church's response to the sex scandal was too focused on protecting its reputation and financial standing but boasted, “What we have done to address the sexual abuse crisis here is better than what anyone else has done.”    

The Cardinal briefly touched upon his record of church closures stating that “perhaps we could have done better.”  Not mentioned in the article was the 11 year vigil at Frances Xavier Cabrini Church in Scituate, MA that regularly made headlines in the local news.  Cardinal O'Malley admitted more closures in the next 5 years “was a possibility but that it would very much depend on the needs and decisions of the local community.”  I found that statement to be very ominous.  With church attendance continuing to decline, I've felt many parishes are on borrowed time.  After 5 years, will their time be up?

The article revealed some sobering facts.  When Cardinal O'Malley was first appointed to the Archdiocese of Boston in 2003, weekly church attendance was 316,000.  In 2019, it fell to 201,000 and in 2022 it was 127,000.  A spokesperson for the Archdiocese explained that latest decline away by blaming Covid since many parishes were still returning to normal.  I find that explanation to be pretty far-fetched.  In 2003, there were 357 parishes compared to 249 in 2024.  In 2003, there were 160 Catholic schools in the Archdiocese with enrollment at 55,000 students.  Today that number had dwindled to 92 schools with enrollment at 32,000.  If we look at these numbers, you could say Cardinal O'Malley failed to keep his eye on the ball and his record of growing the faith in the Boston Archdiocese was dismal.

All these declines occurred despite the Church spending a considerable amount of time and effort on promoting priestly vocations, the “New Evangelization” and the Catholics Come Home campaign among others.  Perhaps we needed a leader who wasn't meek and humble but dynamic and bold.  My personal impression of the Cardinal was one of cluelessness.  I reached out to him as a struggling Catholic single (See the blog entry: A Letter to the Cardinal) but he failed to understand not only my plight but the big picture of the Catholic singles crisis and how it's directly related to those falling Church statistics (See the blog entry: A Letter From the Cardinal).  It's not surprising though since he was ordained as a priest at age 19, became a bishop at 39 and installed as Cardinal at 61.  The priestly way of life seems to be all he's ever known while at age 19 my thoughts were largely focused on getting a girlfriend.

I won't be sorry when Cardinal O'Malley finally steps down.  My only hope is that his replacement listens to all the lost sheep of the Archdiocese instead of jet-setting to Rome or other exotic locales every month.

Greetings From New York City

(From the files of Catholic Match)

Early on in my Catholic Match membership, I was contacted by a cute woman from New York City named *Linda.  She lived with her dad in his house and was a caregiver to him.  As we traded messages, the conversation was very cordial.  I could really identify with her when she said how difficult it was to maintain the property.  Things seemed to be progressing nicely and I actually started to contemplate taking some time off from work to visit her.  Was finding a future spouse on this website that easy?  Not quite because as we continued to talk, a few things raised some concern. 

Red Flag #1:  Aside from caregiving, we didn't have a heck of a lot in common with each other as far as our hobbies and tastes were concerned.  This is always a tricky part of dating because ideally, you'd like to find someone who can relate to you on many different levels but it is unrealistic to expect a woman to enjoy the same music, TV shows and movies that you do especially if you like more obscure media.  I'd call this a negotiable part of any relationship but what is important is how she puts up with the things that bring you joy.  Does she belittle your love of science fiction?  Will she criticize you for enjoying a certain genre of music?  Does she recognize your individuality by respecting your hobbies and tastes even if she doesn't understand them?

Well, Linda seemed to think that when a person entered into a romantic relationship, they had to give up many of the things they once enjoyed to focus all their time and attention on being a couple.  This was a big red flag with me because I've seen first hand how some of my friends lost who they were when they had girlfriends or got married.  Sure, becoming one half of a couple means you do have to focus a lot more time and energy on the relationship.  Sure, there are things you give up and things you compromise on BUT it shouldn't mean you have to sell out who you are for the sake of the other person.  Some of the most successful marriages have couples who still enjoy their alone time.

Linda seemed a bit sheltered and when we discussed some favorite activities, I mentioned how much fun it was going to Comic-Con.  She didn't seem open to learning more about that and actually thought dressing in costume was a waste of time.  While I would never want my love of cosplay to be the hill that I die on, I couldn't help but think how nice it would have been if she were more open-minded about new experiences.

Red Flag #2:  She seemed to be mapping out my future life with her even though we had yet to go on a date.  When I mentioned my current dead-end job, I told her that I'd like to quit and find something very different that's more fulfilling.  Well, she mentioned a few businesses in her neck of the woods that offered similar dead-end jobs and suggested I could work there if I moved to New York.  Wow.  Was I really going to pack up and leave everything for a women I hardly knew?  Also, did she not understand the fact that I wasn't happy with my current career choice?  

Red Flag #3: Baggage.  They say when you get to a certain age, everyone has baggage, but I tend to have a small carry-on while others lug around a steamer trunk.  During the course of our conversation she said her last serious relationship lasted for well over a decade and ended badly.  Now I can understand being in love in your 20s and wanting to wait a few years before making a commitment but as many of those middle-aged singles on Catholic Match can attest to: "You don't have all the time in the world."  If the guy she had been dating was truly a decent person, he wouldn't have strung her along for all those years.  She should have figured out that he wasn't being sincere about holy matrimony and cut him loose sometime before they hit the ten year mark.  Sadly, Linda wasn't the only woman on Catholic Match who said they wasted the better part of a decade waiting for a marriage proposal that never came.  

She also admitted to being "foolish" in this relationship.  Now what does that mean?  Sometimes using that word is a polite way of saying they gave into temptation and had sex outside of marriage.  I can't say for sure what happened in Linda's case but as someone who has stayed true to the Church's teaching, it did create more doubts about her.

Some say you should really listen to those red flags because your subconscious mind is trying to tell you the relationship won't work.  Others claim that sometimes a red flag is simply you being too picky.  Despite all my misgivings, I was still willing to see where this potential relationship would go.  Unfortunately, fate would deal a cruel hand.  

As I continued to message Linda, her dad got very sick one night and he passed away.   I asked if she needed anything and offered to help in any way but from that point on, she never talked to me in the same way again.  Ultimately, she stopped messaging me on Catholic Match.

After several months passed, I reached out to her via the e-mail address she once gave me.  Linda said she was well and had met someone special on e-Harmony.  I told her I was glad and offered my continued friendship but never heard back from her ever again.  As of this writing, her profile is still on Catholic Match so I'm not sure if she forgot about it or was still single after all this time.  At any rate, this first foray into the world of online dating wouldn't be repeated for another four years because the number of meaningful interactions I would have with women on Catholic Match all but dried up.  

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Slim Pickin's from the Bay State

(From the files of Catholic Match)

During the first few days of my Catholic Match membership, I searched for the profiles of local women figuring it would be my best chance to get a date.  The results didn't exactly impress me.

One girl from the nearby city of Peabody said in her profile that she liked bowling so with no romantic expectations in mind, I reached out to her hoping we could just get together and go bowling sometime.  I never got a response.  Her profile remained on Catholic Match for many years and with an unwillingness to even talk to a guy who sent her a very benign message, it didn't surprise me.

A woman from Boston contacted me but not only was she not that attractive, she listed disagreement with the Church's position on abortion.  I decided to talk to her anyway but it didn't take long for her elitism to shine.  She wanted to know how “cultured” I was so I mentioned going to museums and taking in a musical every once in a great while.  Now the true test of her character: I also mentioned my low-wage job just to see what would happen.  She decided to end all communication right then and there.  Predictable.

I reached out to another never-married local single with an exotic name but got no response.  A couple of years later, her profile was still on Catholic Match but when I checked it out again, she listed herself as being divorced.  I wondered what happened during those years to warrant such a drastic change.

Another woman from Boston reached out to me and I thought she was very cute.  We were both caregivers and she figured having that one thing in common was a good starting point to a possible relationship.  Unfortunately, the more I talked to her, the more she seemed like she had issues.  At one point in our conversation, she blocked me from sending her any more messages.  I thought, “Oh well.  No big loss.”  After a while, she lifted the block and reached out to me again.  Apparently, she thought I had been talking to other women on the site and got jealous.  Now my guard was up and as we continued to message each other, I tried to learn more about her past.  She didn't reveal much...except for the fact that she had been pregnant once but never had any kids.  Hmmm.  What does that mean?  A miscarriage?  An abortion?  Either way, I wasn't looking for someone with that kind of “experience” and decided to part ways with her.  I was still open to being just friends but the idea went over her head.

It didn't take long for the pool of eligible local singles on Catholic Match to dry up.  Unfortunately, Massachusetts is home to not only some very homely-looking women, but Catholics here tend to be liberal and lukewarm.  These “Kennedy Catholics” as I like to call them, pick and choose which of the key Church teachings to embrace and usually discard anything that's an inconvenience.  Naturally, the local females of Catholic Match reflected this demographic.  A good number of them tended to be flakes as well.  (Also, I don't care about the Red Sox or Patriots and I think the Boston accent is annoying.  There go my chances!) 

Unfortunately, Catholic Match doesn't let you search profiles by state.  Rather, it narrows your choices down to a certain radius from your hometown.  You can select something as small as a twenty-five mile radius but that seriously limits the amount of profiles you'll see, especially if you come from a sparely-populated suburb.  One woman I recognized from church listed Boston and not Beverly as her hometown to protect herself from potential stalkers but doing so skews the search results.  Chances are, many of those Catholic Match residents from Boston probably live somewhere else.

    

The website does let you search a much larger radius but this has its problems too.  If you cast a wide net like a 200+ mile radius, that's a lot of unnecessary profiles to go through especially if long distance relationships are off the table.  Also, there are big differences between someone living in metropolitan New Jersey and someone living in rural Vermont.  

For laughs, I tried to search every single profile on Catholic Match by setting no mile limitations but the site crashed after a while.  Why can't the website follow the lead of Ave Maria Singles and simply list the number of members in each state?  It would certainly make things simpler and more efficient but I have a feeling it would also expose how few local Catholic Match users there really are.  It's very telling when other members from different parts of the country complain in the forums about the lack of local singles.  This was not a good sign.

The School of Procrastination

I think how your family approaches life in your childhood can set the tone for your adulthood later on. While some parents demand excellence in all endeavors, others may let things slide. My mother and father came from humble backgrounds and even though they never ventured too far from being average people, they always tried to nurture my creativity and instill strong moral values. One weak spot that I've been thinking about this past year has been my parents' tendency to procrastinate.

Sometime in the spring, my mother thought about transcribing all of her illegible hand-written recipes so my brother and I would have them. Since she's not tech savvy, she wanted me to get the old electric typewriter out of storage. The machine hadn't been used in a couple of decades so by now the ribbons were bone dry. Did anyone sell replacements in this day and age? I made a trip to a nearby office supply store only to discover that yes, they still sold ribbons but they were out of stock. Now my mother obsessed about getting her typewriter working again. Every few days, she'd nag me to check out different stores and when I did, they either didn't sell them or they were out of stock. We finally had to order them online.

After installing the replacement ribbons, I got some paper and tried to test the typewriter out. Nothing happened when I pressed the keys so then I had to search the internet to identify the problem. Thankfully, there were some typewriter enthusiasts out there on Youtube who suspected a broken drive belt. I opened up the bottom to find the dried rubber drive belt crumbled into small pieces. These Youtube experts recommended using o-rings as a substitute so after doing my best to take some measurements, I headed to the local hardware store. They had a nice stock of Culligan o-rings for water filters that were packaged in plastic bags which made it difficult to tell if it would be an exact fit. Thankfully, the o-ring I purchased fit nicely on the typewriter and it started working once again after a long slumber.

So after being badgered for months to get the typewriter working again, what happens? It continues to sit on the kitchen table unused as of this writing. I think my mother's chronic pain partly explains her inability to type out those recipes but looking back at our family history, I think it's more than that. What about on her “good days” when the pain isn't as bad?

Procrastination always seemed to be part of our family and I wonder if some people have a genetic predisposition toward it. I recall her buying a Juice Man blender years ago in an attempt to embrace a healthier lifestyle. The machine was only used once and then it sat in the cabinet collecting dust along with a whole host of other pristine kitchen gadgets that were going to change our lives. 

My dad, having grown up during The Great Depression, would never throw anything away and a result, he'd hold onto broken or useless items that he pledged to fix later...but it was a “later” that never came. Even worse is when he'd see something in someone else's trash and take it home with him. He passed away over ten years ago and I still haven't cleaned out all his junk from the attic and basement yet.

I see a vein of procrastination running through my life too and try to do my best to overcome it with mixed results. During my school years, I was envious of the kids who always started projects and homework right away but I could never muster up enough ambition to follow their lead. In high school, I once joked to a friend, “I could do that assignment now but I get such a rush finishing it at the last minute.” Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I had one of those “Tiger Moms” for a parent.

When I was unemployed several years ago, I actually made great strides in cleaning and organizing the house but having a 3rd shift job has all but killed my free time. I sleep away most of the daylight hours and when I wake up, I'm exhausted. In the few hours before work, I don't have the energy to do much of anything. Then on my days off, I might tackle one of the many projects around the house but more often than not, I can't transition back to being a day person and wind up tossing and turning all night. For many years, my father worked the night shift and I have a new-found respect for him.

Thankfully, there are some things I refuse to let fall by the wayside. All of my financial documents are organized with hanging files which is a far cry from my mother's system of throwing her bills and statements into a brown grocery bag. The thousands of photos I've taken over the years are neatly organized by subject and I've been making some progress trying to get rid of the unwanted clutter in my room. Unfortunately, doing nothing is always easier and fighting that urge to put something off for later is so very difficult.

Putting in that extra effort at the beginning of a process saves a lot of time and energy in the long run but what's most important is that you follow through and see things to the end. It's a lesson I wish my parents embraced a long time ago. Meanwhile, an unused typewriter continues to sit on the kitchen table...

Her Bad Day Is Mine Too

One long and drawn out caregiver folly that comes to mind was when my mother lost her handmade needlepoint eyeglass case that featured a butterfly design against a blue background.  It was something she made a long time ago and it held a lot of sentimental value.

On a random weekend a few years ago, she couldn't find the eyeglass case so she asked me to look around her bedroom for her.  She usually put the case at the foot of the bed so perhaps it fell off and landed on the floor.  I got out the flashlight, got on my hands and knees and searched in vain.  After we spent some more time looking around the house and in the car, she wondered if the case had accidentally fallen into the small trash barrel that was by her bed.  Now her anxiety turned into frustration because I had just taken out the trash the day before and if her theory was correct, the case was now long gone.  However, I didn't recall seeing it among the trash when I emptied the barrel.  Surely even in my zoned-out state of mind, the eyeglass case would have caught my attention.  But where was it?

She was convinced it had been thrown out in the trash and now she was having a bad day.  As a caregiver, when the person you care for has a bad day, you have a bad day.  This is partly due to the sympathy you have for their awful predicament but sometimes it's because they are in such a foul mood, it rubs off on you.

Soon, I found myself searching online for what happens if something of value is thrown out in the trash.  Turns out, the trash company can look for an item at the transfer station if you call them and narrow the search by giving them the truck's route and time of pickup BUT such a search needs to be done within 24 hours.  Unfortunately, it was too late for my mother's eyeglass case if it had indeed been lost in the trash.  Still, part of me felt it hadn't.  

        
I tried to calm my mother down by saying there really wasn't anything that could be done right now.  If the eyeglass case had been accidentally thrown out, it was gone for good and no amount of complaining could bring it back.  If it was lost somewhere inside the house, it would eventually turn up somehow.  Well, that wasn't good enough and she continued to be miserable.  She got on my nerves and I found myself repeating the words she used to tell me as a child: "If you have something nice, you have to take better care of it."  I thought it was foolish of her to place the eyeglass case so close to a trash barrel.

 
After a few days, she resigned herself to the notion that it was gone forever and visited the needlepoint store to look for a new canvas.  Unfortunately, they didn't have any good patters in stock for making another eyeglass case so she left empty-handed and feeling dejected. 

A couple of weeks passed and then one night I heard her give out a yell from downstairs.  While in the bathroom, she had grabbed a towel from the linen closet and out fell the needlepoint eyeglass case.  Apparently, she had been folding the laundry on her bed at the beginning of the month and unbeknownst to her, the case was accidentally folded into one of the bathroom towels.  My overjoyed mother said,  "My prayers to St. Anthony were answered.  He has never let me down.  He may take his time, but he has always come through for me."  Now every time I take out the trash, I make sure to check her barrel a little more carefully to make sure only trash is being thrown away.

I'm glad things worked out for my mother this time around but the story of her eyeglass case shows how quickly a caregiver can go from having a nice day to dealing with sudden catastrophes.  I find myself always on guard for the latest crisis and that's a mindset that doesn't offer much peace of mind.

Caregiver Follies

I posted this subject to the Catholic Match forums last year and it was very well-received. While caring for my elderly mother, I noticed in the sea of typical struggles, certain difficulties that most people probably wouldn't even think of unless they walked a mile in my shoes. The following is a list of some of those funny and not so funny observations: 

* One pleasure in my down time that's become rare is listening to music with headphones on because if I'm upstairs in my room, I need to be able to hear my mother's cries for help if she needs something. I swear the record companies add the sound of her voice or the noise of a ringing telephone to the background of their songs because there have been many times when I think I hear those things but it turns out to be a false alarm.

* I have become a bathroom guard for those single occupancy ladies rooms since my mother doesn't want to lock door behind her just in case she falls and needs help. If that doesn't make me look like a creeper sometimes...

* My mother needs glasses to read but she will often forget to bring them along when we go out to eat and I have to read the full menu to her...loudly at times because of her hearing trouble.

* Lately, I have been finding plates or silverware that my mother washed still with bits of dried food attached because she somehow "missed a spot." 

* I will check to see what she is wearing for the day so I don't pick out an outfit with the same color palette hoping to avoid looking like those couples who dress alike.

* Sometimes she hides her medical issues because she doesn't want to worry me but I get really worried when after three days of suffering, she blurts out, “Take me to the ER. I can't it anymore.” 

* She talks to the TV during Family Feud and when I'm upstairs I will sometimes hear her yell things like, “That's an ugly suit!” or “No, you idiot!” She will sometimes answer the survey questions but I can't hear the questions: “Cows!” “Beach ball!” “Your oven!” “Mexico!”

* When I come home from my third shift job, I walk by her bedroom and listen to hear if she is still breathing.

* She no longer drives but she is an expert backseat driver.

* When I hear my mother yell, "Something's wrong with the television" I always have to fix the problem which is something usually minor like she accidentally pressed the aspect ratio button or the closed captioning button which is right next to the on/off switch.  Technology baffles her.  

* When I'm sleeping after a hard night at work, she'll often ask me from downstairs “Are you asleep?” so loudly that it wakes me up. “Not anymore!” is my typical response.

* When I am sick and just want to sleep, she keeps asking me questions about every twenty minutes: "Is your throat still sore?"  "Do you want to go to the Minute Clinic?"

* To prevent hypoglycemia, she always puts Lifesavers mints in her pockets but it's amazing how these things tend to show up around all around the house: in drawers, in cabinets, under furniture.

* Before doing the laundry, I always have to check the pockets of my mother's clothes for the previously mentioned Lifesavers mints and the large amount of tissues she likes to carry with her. 

* She craves attention so whenever a repairman comes to the house, she likes to talk his ear off. What's worse is when she touches on a hot topic like Trump or immigration.

* She asks the doctor who emigrated from Russia, "What do you think of Mr. Putin?"

* My mother will get frustrated with other old people and she's at that stage in life where she will tell them off. Before one Palm Sunday Mass, an elderly woman was talking her time to pick through the palms and my mother actually said, “Are you going to be there all day?!”

* Despite the fact that my mother is almost 86 years old, she doesn't want to use a walker because according to her, those are for old people.

* In fact, she doesn't want to associate with people her own age because in her words "they are a bunch of old farts who complain about pain all the time."

* When I do get into an argument with her, my mother has no trouble pulling out the old age card and simply says, “Why don't I just drop dead?”

* My mother always uses the speaker phone function so the sound of dialing brings me a feeling of dread because she calls so many doctors due to her failing health. Also, one of the doctors' offices plays bad smooth jazz music when they put her on hold...often for a very long time.

* While dining out, she sometimes comments on the poor fashion choices of the other patrons: “Is she for real?!” “They're not leaving anything to the imagination, are they?”

* My mother has the uncanny ability to yell a question to me from downstairs during the most dramatic part of a TV show or movie.

* Even though I am half a century old, she still worries when I leave the house. I will hear her say, “Drive carefully” and she will sometimes insist that I call her when I am ready to head back home.

* During one trip to the bank, I decided to make a long side trip down a country road just to clear my mind for a while. I came back home to see her in tears because she thought my unexpected delay might have been caused by a car accident.

* My mother doesn't understand that when I yell out of frustration at other drivers or at other people or about my life in general, I am not yelling at her.

* Hearing the sound of her pain pills rattling around in the plastic bottle brings anxiety because that means she's in pain and needs to take another dose.

* When my mother yells for help from downstairs and it sounds like a huge medical emergency...only to find out it's something not as serious like when she dropped a box of toothpicks and they landed all over the floor.

* Having to raise my voice because she has trouble hearing but then she thinks I am yelling at her in anger.

* Giving me cheap career advice that is so out of left field when I tell her how unhappy I am with my current employer. “Why don't you call channel 5 and ask for a job working in TV?”

* My mother telling me that if I ever got serious with a girl, she'd be happy to sell the house and move into a small apartment by herself. Once I start dating, however, she somehow forgets that statement and begins to worry that I will abandon her.

My post generated many responses from other caregivers on CatholicMatch who shared their own interesting observations about their elderly parents. Feel free to share any of your own caregiver follies in the comments section below.

9-11's Other Memorial

NBC's Ann Curry before the attacks

So traumatic were the events of 9-11 that 17 years passed before I could bring myself to search Youtube and rewatch the footage of the attacks unfolding live on morning television shows.  What struck me about these videos was how calm and normal that terrible day began.

It was a perfectly sunny late summer morning and some newscasters commented on this fact.  CBS's Mark McEwen noted the “miles and miles” of sunshine on the weather map and said it was as nice as it could be across the northeast.  However, in a bit of eerie foreshadowing, he closed the segment by remarking, “It's kind of quiet around the country.  We like quiet.  Unless it's quiet.  It's too quiet.”  Standing with the adoring crowd of people outside Rockefeller Center, NBC's Katie Couric said, “It is such a pretty morning isn't it?”  Al Roker replied, “It is a perfect fall morning...although it's not fall yet so it's still a perfect summer morning.”

The news reported a U.S. drone shot down by Iraq.  The Miss America Pageant was now going to quiz contestants on history and current events with some participants not knowing what happened on Dec. 7, 1941 during a trial run of the questions.  Ads for Nightline had Ted Kopel pitching a week-long report on the ongoing conflict in the Congo commenting that it was a story we should have brought you long ago.  

Just before the attacks, The Early Show host Bryant Gumbel was doing a cooking segment with the executive food editor of Gourmet Magazine in celebration of the publication's 60th anniversary.  Fox News was interviewing singer Babyface and asked about his new hair style.  Katie Couric had just wrapped up an interview with Harry Belafonte and Matt Lauer began speaking with Richard Hack about his new book on Howard Hughes.  The author was enjoying a brief moment in the sun when the segment had to be cut short because of a “breaking story” at the World Trade Center.  Live footage of the buildings wouldn't load so Matt Lauer broke for a commercial as did many other stations at that time.

When the major networks came back, they aired special reports with the now too familiar footage of black smoke billowing out of the North Tower.  Hindsight allows us to dismiss any naive speculation that it might have been an accident.  When Flight 175 hit the South Tower on live TV, Bryant Gumbel couldn't see the footage but a witness he was talking to over the phone was shocked and described the crash as deliberate.  The Early Show host seemed to be in denial and asked this caller and another caller why they thought so.  By contrast, Good Morning America's Charlie Gibson quickly concluded that a concerted effort to attack the World Trade Center was underway.

Confusion was caused by where the camera had been placed with some broadcasts showing the North Tower at an angle that completely obscured the South Tower and the approaching Flight 175.  The same was true for the collapse of the South Tower.  One station initially reported the loss of the structure as just falling debris.  A few news anchors were completely caught off guard because they were in the middle of interviews or trying to report the attack on the Pentagon and a possible car bomb outside the State Department.

After 22 years, seeing the 9-11 terrorist attacks unfold minute by excruciating minute still hits me like a punch to the gut.  As ABC's Diane Sawyer put it so eloquently back then, “To watch powerless, is a horror.”  There's some footage from that terrible day I still haven't seen and I'm not sure if or when I ever will but I am glad all of it exists on Youtube and other websites because it captures so well the confusion, shock, heartbreak and fear we experienced in 2001.

During a 2021 interview with 60 Minutes, New York firefighter Regina Wilson said, “So many of us sacrificed so much that this story can't get lost.  Because the world is changing fast.  And I don't want this to be something that's in a history book that a page is turned, and we're forgotten.”  She's right to have this concern because so often, still photographs, commemorative markers and stone monuments fail to capture the essence of a tragedy.  In 2016, my hometown unveiled its own 9-11 memorial complete with a large steel beam from the World Trade Center.  The archival footage of the attacks as they happened is 9-11's other memorial however, one that shows us a way of life and a sense of innocence that was lost forever on a sunny Tuesday morning so long ago.