It all started sometime in November. My mother had been prescribed medication to clear up a possible infection in her foot but the side effects were causing sharp pains in her back. She thought it was bearable as long as she didn't make any twisting motions. Her doctor didn't feel the back pain was worth looking into but as the weeks passed, her discomfort got worse. She said it felt like someone was stabbing her with a knife and there were times when the pain was so bad, she started to cry. Unfortunately, her doctor was all booked up for the next couple of weeks so she would have to live with the pain until then.
In the meantime, we tried to make the best of it and decorated for Christmas albeit on a much smaller scale. When my mother was finally able to see the doctor for a second time, she insisted someone take an x-ray of her back. The results were not good. A long career in nursing which included a severe on-the-job back injury in the 1980s had finally taken its toll. There was arthritis in her lower spine and some cartilage in her vertebrae had worn away to nothing. Now she desperately needed to see a spine specialist so an appointment was set up for next week. Again, she had to wait all that time in pain. After a couple of days of this, my mother couldn't even get out of her chair. I found myself calling 911 for an ambulance so she could go to the emergency room. It would be a long night.
I drove to the ER a few minutes behind the ambulance and after the woman at the front desk gave me a visitor's pass, she told me to have a seat in their very large waiting room. The place was almost empty except for one other person. It just happened to be an unusually quiet night. As I sat down with only the noise from a television in the background, God seemed so far away. In that moment, this hospital waiting room felt like the loneliest place on earth.
After about twenty minutes, I was finally brought into the ER to see my mother. The look of discomfort on her face was such a pathetic sight. As the hours slowly passed, the nurses tried in vain to make her feel comfortable. It was almost 4 AM when my mother was given a shot of morphine and the attending doctor eventually decided to send her home with a prescription for Oxycodone. While the nurses got her ready to be discharged, I walked into the cold early-morning darkness to fetch the car. “My life is over,” I thought to myself.
For years, I sacrificed to be a caregiver for my elderly parents only to encounter one defeat after another. So numerous were the trips to the emergency room, that I lost count a long time ago. My soul felt very empty as if all my hopes and dreams for a better life had suddenly disappeared. The nurse wheeled my mother to the curb when I pulled up with the car. We thanked her and then drove off. With my father deceased and a brother who seemed unwilling to help, my mother and I struggled to hold onto what little we had. I sometimes thought of the song, “You and Me Against the World.”
A couple of days later, my brother did come down for a visit only to see my mother doing better. After a few hours of chit chat, he headed for home without truly understanding all the anguish she had just experienced. Then as day turned to night, the pain returned and the Oxycodone she had been prescribed didn't even help. By morning, her pain was so bad, she couldn't even get out of bed. I called 911 for an ambulance again and this time the fire department was brought in to help the EMTs navigate our narrow second story staircase. We returned to the ER but the attending doctor was arrogant and didn't offer much help. He even tried to dissuade my mother from being admitted into the hospital but I said, “What I'm I going to do with her at home?! Call an ambulance for a third time?! She's in pain. The hospital is the best place for her!”
My mother was finally admitted and as doctors spent the next few days struggling to find some relief for her pain, the “case manager” was hoping to send her on her way in order to save the hospital money. To top it all off, she shared her room with an illegal alien whose visiting family was incredibly noisy and inconsiderate. During those few days, I returned to an empty house and wondered what life would be like if my mother passed away. Not even the Christmas decorations we had set up brought the spirit of the holidays close.
My mother was eventually discharged so she could get to her appointment with that spine specialist. After picking her up at the hospital, I drove directly to his office. She was in tremendous pain and needed my support just to walk. The specialist set up an appointment to inject her back as soon as possible adding that had the hospital bothered to contact him, he could have treated her a few days ago. The first round of injections did get rid of my mother's violent stabbing pain pretty quickly but more appointments and physical therapy were needed. She was able to celebrate Christmas feeling somewhat achy but nowhere near the level of pain that plagued her for most of December.
This experience was nothing short of psychological torture for me. To see a loved one in so much pain they exclaim, “How am I going to live like this?!” Being a caregiver is certainly not for the faint of heart but instead of seeing our sacrifices as a great act of love, some continue to dismiss all that we have been through. Many of us were lucky enough have a nice holiday dinner surrounded by friends and family but my thoughts and prayers are with my fellow caregivers who must travel a less than ideal path during the Christmas season.
After cashing my paycheck for the week, I usually top off the car's gas tank at a nearby filling station. More often than not, the man behind the counter is a quiet Indian gentleman who doesn't say much beyond hello.
Earlier this month, I pulled into this station as usual. “15 dollars on pump 5. Regular,” I said to the man behind the counter who again, didn't say much. I then walked back to the car and started to fill the gas tank but in the corner of my eye was a figure standing next to me. It was the quiet gentleman from behind the counter. He told me that I always smelled good, dressed nice and was very handsome so he wondered if I had a girlfriend. I reluctantly answered, “No.” He then asked, “So no wife? No children?” Again, I answered no adding that this town tended to attract people who were already married and that made things difficult for the singles who lived here. He then said I should join a gym because there were many attractive women there. They hit on him all the time but he had to tell them he was married. Out of politeness, I asked what gym he went to. After he told me, we wrapped up our conversation and he went back inside. I found the entire experience to be incredibly awkward.
Later that day, I told a few acquaintances about this incident and they didn't think much of it. “He was just looking out for you,” said one of them. Another wondered if he had a daughter and was trying to set her up with me. Despite these explanations, it still felt wrong on so many levels. Someone I hardly knew got very personal very fast. What was it about me that made him drop what he was doing to chat about my (lack-of-a) relationship status? I guess the only silver lining in all of this was the fact that he was married and didn't appear to be hitting on me.
I started to think about all the times I've been complimented on my looks from total strangers. The largest offenders by far have been elderly women. Since dressing nice seems to be a lost art in this slob culture, I guess my fashion sense must be a refreshing sight to them. But it crosses a line when they say things like, “If I was only 30 years younger.” This is not something a dateless wonder like me wants to hear!
As far back as my late teens, I remember hearing these compliments from older people as I struggled to find a girlfriend. All throughout high school and college, I seemed to fly under the radar of women my own age and in the years since, I've never had any of them pick me out of a crowd to chat or praise my fashion sense. In fact, women my age never seem to give any hint they find me interesting at all. The signals they do send range from cold indifference to mildly annoyed.
During a recent discussion on a Catholic dating chat room, I explained my chronic bad luck at finding a date. A divorced woman who was ten years older than me thought I was being too hard on myself and wondered if I suffered from low self-esteem. I told her it wasn't low self-esteem. It was reality. There was something about me that didn't catch the eye of women my own age. She questioned this and said I had classic good looks. If that was the case then what the heck was wrong with women my own age? Were they blind or did they only like musclebound jocks? Maybe they feared most men. Perhaps their expectations were so high, they routinely overlooked the decent guys who stood right in front of them? Elsewhere in this chat room some of the women talked about how sexy it was to see a guy in a suit and tie and then they lamented all the profiles with poorly dressed men. Well, my profile picture featured a nicely coordinated suit and tie combination. Maybe women my age don't know what they want.
I may not be the hunkiest guy in the world, but people have given me far too many compliments to believe that I'm repulsive. Recently, a couple of new co-workers were amazed when they found out how old I really was because they said I looked much younger. So why is it that I run into these very different perspectives?
Frankly, I think a lot of women in this part of the country tend to be stuck up. They pine for boyfriends but have no trouble shooting men down who dare try starting a conversation with them. Then when they're old and have “lost their looks” they have no trouble being flirtatious because any attention from a handsome younger guy is welcome since it's been so long since they've been thought of as sexy.
One thing is for sure, it's a sad thing when you have total strangers coming out of the woodwork to pay you a compliment but no woman your own age will do the same.
A popular early-autumn attraction for those of us living along Boston's North Shore region is the Topsfield Fair which features agricultural exhibits in several buildings, carnival rides, a midway, tractor pulls, and concerts.
As a child, my family went to the fair nearly every year and memories include being introduced to delicious fried dough and German fries, my first pony ride, a woman in one exhibit hall feeding a bee by placing honey on her finger, my dad winning a stuffed blue parrot for me (as opposed to the more common red ones), farm animals and their strong smells, police dog demonstrations, and seeing WBZ's Incredible Broadcast Machine. (The mobile radio studio appeared in funny TV ads with longtime DJ Dave Maynard.) Pro-life activists had even set up an information booth with graphic photos of aborted fetuses and while I was too young to understand those images, my normally devout Catholic mother complained such a display was inappropriate for this setting.
The kiddie coaster was slightly nerve-wracking but the Tilt-a-Whirl made me sick to my stomach. One space-themed ride featured hand painted murals of American astronauts interacting with Star Wars characters. Somebody was ignoring copyright laws! One year, I climbed what seemed like unbelievable heights to ride the giant slide. Since it was a slow day, the operator let me try it a few more times for free. But how many goat milking contests and tractor pulls can one person see? As a teen, the fair seemed boring so we just stopped going.
This year, I found myself feeling a bit nostalgic and toyed with the idea of returning to the Topsfield Fair again. As usual, the region was plagued by bad rain for a few days so before I knew it, the last day was quickly approaching. When a favorite restaurant advertised a lobster pie special for Columbus Day, I decided to treat my mother to dinner instead...until she got sick the night before. With plans canceled, going to the fair seemed like a good choice.
Entering the fairgrounds after such a long absence felt strange. All around me were joyful families and happy teenagers. Vendors sold interesting new foods like barbecued turkey legs, loaded baked potatoes and steaming liquid nitrogen drinks. I was pleasantly surprised to see Anna's Fried Dough again but a small plate of German fries now cost 9 dollars. My nostalgia didn't justify the price. A classic carnival ride called The Zipper remained but it was dwarfed by more dizzying attractions. I also spotted the giant slide and my childhood memories were no exaggeration. It really was that big!
The midway itself seemed smaller, though. I checked out some of the agricultural exhibit halls and saw scores of decorated pumpkins along with an award-winning giant pumpkin. There were horses, pigs, birds and rabbits but by the time I got to the flower exhibit, its contents were being auctioned off. Most of the chicken exhibit hall was off limits too even though the fair didn't close for another three hours. When it got dark, the mood of the place changed as some vendors decided to pack up. I bought a small corn dog at one food stand and was given a free hot dog since they had to clear out their inventory.
Going to the fair by myself also made me feel very self-conscious since there were so many families around. I was an outsider looking in...pretending to make the most of it but wanting very badly not to be alone anymore. The creep factor was pretty high and nothing seemed more awkward than a 46-year-old single man among a crowd of children all jockeying to see baby bunnies in the rabbit nursery.
As I continued walking, a 15-year-old girl who I knew stopped to say hi. She was with a group of friends and I could only imagine what they thought of me. As we chatted for a moment, I said, “The last time I was at the fair, I was probably your age.” She highly recommend the homemade bread but I told her that I already filled up on fried dough and hot dogs. Talking to her made me feel a little more human and since she was old enough to be my daughter, I wondered what it would be like to have kids. We exchanged goodbyes and then I took one last loop around the midway before going home.
I had a good time for the most part but as a single person, life feels very incomplete and situations like this only seem to underscore that point. My sojourn to the Topsfield Fair had me thinking of another example where company, or a lack thereof can affect how you feel and how others see you.
If you feed pigeons in the park with your girlfriend, it's romantic. If you feed pigeons with your wife and young children, it's heartwarming. But if you feed pigeons as a guy who is all by himself, it's pathetic. Is he antisocial? Does he like animals more than people? Does he have mental problems? We've all heard the stereotypes yet the single man feeding pigeons is doing the exact same thing as the cute couple and the family. There are some who say we should be happy no matter what our situation in life is because God loves us but humans are social creatures and the company we keep can make all the difference in the world.
It's hard to believe so much time has passed since the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks. In some ways that terrible day feels like it happened yesterday but for anyone who did not see those tragic events unfold before their eyes, context, subtle flavors and influences can be lost or forgotten. The following blog entry highlights many of those details that I remember.
Before 2001...
* During the 1990s, a Boston newspaper published an article on the possibility of an air traffic control mishap at Logan Airport. The photo of a passenger jet was superimposed against a background of skyscrapers from Boston's financial district. This image made a lasting impression on me and in retrospect, seemed very similar to real photos of the Sept. 11th attacks.
* Anyone reading this remember the date February 26, 1993? That's when terrorists exploded a truck bomb inside the World Trade Center with the intention of collapsing one tower into the other. That fact seemed to be lost on most people and from then on, I had always looked at the twin towers as being on borrowed time. Almost no one else did.
* Air France Flight 8969 was hijacked on December 24, 1994 by Islamic terrorists from Algeria in an attempt to crash the jet into the Eiffel Tower. It was a very sobering thought to me but the notion of a passenger jet being used as a weapon didn't seem to make much of an impression on the average American. The small amount of media coverage this deadly hijacking did receive in the United States seemed to be centered on footage of French commandos storming the plane with air stairs.
* On Jan. 6, 1995, authorities in the Philippines discovered and later disrupted the Bojinka Project, a large-scale terrorist attack that called for the assassination of the Pope, the bombing of 11 commercial airliners and the hijacking and crashing of an airliner into CIA headquarters.
* In March of 1995, a Japanese cult launched a deadly sarin gas attack in the Tokyo subway instilling fears that such an attack could occur elsewhere.
* The bombing of the Alfred P. Murrah Federal Building on April 19, 1995 claimed the lives of 168 people and shocked the nation. Many initially suspected Muslims were behind the attack instead of two anti-government domestic terrorists.
* The 1997 film Air Force One had Harrison Ford playing a president who took a hard line against international terrorism. At the time, I thought this seemed out of character since Bill Clinton's presidency focused more on domestic issues.
* Another movie about terrorism from around this time was The Siege. Released in November of 1998, the film's imagery would be eerily similar to a post 9-11 New York City. While it spurred some discussion on fanaticism, profiling, and civil liberties, it also drew intense criticism from Muslim and Arab groups. The film performed poorly at the box office but gained renewed attention after the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks with its director being sought for interviews.
* In 1999, Nightline aired the week-long series BioWar in which Ted Koppel and a panel of experts discussed the hypothetical results of a terrorist anthrax attack on a major American city. The show was presented as if the event was actually taking place and there were even periodic checks on the latest death toll, which eventually surpassed 50,000. Ted Koppel himself stated that a biological attack in a major city in the United States was not a question of if but when. No one on this program mentioned anything about the possibility of hijacked planes crashing into buildings.
* Stories on air rage seemed to be big around this time along with complaints of long lines at airports. Many people expected to arrive at their terminal and board the plane within ten or twenty minutes except maybe during the holidays. (The movie Air Rage starring Ice-T would be released on July 24, 2001.)
* Some say that few of us had ever heard the name Osama bin Laden before Sept. 11, 2001. One person who did a great job trying to put that name into our collective consciousness was John Walsh of America's Most Wanted. That television show profiled Osama bin Laden several times before 2001 and categorized him as a dangerous terrorist mastermind involved in the U.S. embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania.
* Another person who brought attention to what was going on in Afghanistan with the Taliban was Mavis Leno, feminist and wife of late-night talk show host, Jay Leno. She even appeared as a guest on The Tonight Show in 1999 to discuss just what was happening in that country.
* In October of 1999, a private jet carrying professional golfer Payne Stewart and five others lost cabin pressure and continued cruising on autopilot for about four hours before crashing into an empty field. Air Force jets had been scrambled to follow the doomed flight but nothing could be done to help.
* Terrorists planned a series of coordinated attacks for December of 1999 and January of 2000 but most were foiled in what would be called the 2000 millennium attack plots.
* Just before the year 2000, the big story was the Y2K problem. Dire predictions were made, some commemorative merchandise was sold but humanity survived the new year.
* On May 30, 2000, the Family Guy episode Road to Rhode Island featured a quick scene in which Osama bin Laden sings show tunes while trying to smuggle weapons through an airport metal detector. At the time, I got the joke but wondered if the reference was a little too obscure for the average American. (Family Guy creator Seth McFarlane was supposed to be on American Airlines Flight 11 on Sept. 11th but due to a mix up with his travel agent, he missed boarding the plane at Logan Airport by about 10 minutes.)
* Sometime in 2000, I helped a friend paint his model ex-Soviet Hind helicopter gunship by researching Afghanistan's Northern Alliance paint schemes and insignia at a local book store.
* Al-Qaeda's suicide bombing of the USS Cole on Oct. 12, 2000 killed 17 American sailors.
Months before Sept. 11, 2001...
* While I did have worries in the back of my mind about a significant terrorist attack during Boston's 2000 / 2001 First Night celebrations, I also had some hope that this new century might bring with it an era of peace and cooperation among the nations and cultures of the world.
* After a very close and controversial election complete with “hanging chads” on ballot cards and a supreme court ruling, George W. Bush was sworn in as President of the United States on January 20, 2001. Known for a climate of bipartisanship during his tenure as governor of Texas, he had campaigned on unity and pledged to focus on domestic issues rather than foreign affairs and nation building.
* One of the first shocking news events of 2001 was the February death of legendary NASCAR racer Dale Earnhardt in what appeared to be a minor crash.
* In May, American missionaries Martin and Gracia Burnham were taken hostage in the Philippines by the Al-Qaeda supported Islamic separatist group Abu Sayyaf. The story received little continuing media coverage in the United States.
* A story that was grabbing the headlines in May was the disappearance of intern Chandra Levy. The media focused attention on Congressman Gary Condit as a possible murder suspect.
* In the spring, a Fox 25 undercover investigation highlighted security problems at Logan Airport. (This report would later be mentioned by the 9-11 Commission.)
* On TV and in movie theaters, we were seeing a trailer for the new Spider-Man movie starring Tobey Maguire and Kirsten Dunst in which the superhero snares a group of bank robbers fleeing in a helicopter by spinning a huge web in between the two towers of the World Trade Center. (After the attacks, it was pulled.)
* The History Channel's Modern Marvels series aired an episode on the World Trade Center on June 25, 2001. In this documentary, the claim that the towers were built to withstand a crash from a Boeing 707 passenger jet was stated. (The series was aired again after the attacks with added commentary from host Harry Smith and author Angus Gillespie who had been featured in that particular episode.)
* In July, a New York band named I Am the World Trade Center released their latest album Out of the Loop which featured a song called September.
* Also in July, the Fox network debuted a new reality show called Murder in Small Town X, in which contestants had to solve fictitious murder mysteries while avoiding being picked off themselves. The final episode of the series aired on Sept. 4th and New York firefighter Ángel Juarbe Jr. won. (He was killed a week later in the collapse of the World Trade Center.)
* During the summer, the media focused a large amount of attention on shark attacks despite the rarity of such an event. Later dubbed the Summer of Sharks, it highlighted the media's obsession with tabloid sensationalism.
* In August, American missionaries Heather Mercer and Dayna Curry were arrested in Afghanistan by the Taliban for preaching Christianity. Six other aid workers were imprisoned as well. Again, media coverage on this story was sporadic at best.
* On August 4th, Zacarias Moussaoui was arrested by the FBI. Sometimes called the "20th hijacker" his capture would later bring criticism of the government's failure to connect the dots in the weeks prior to the attack.
* Retired FBI counter-terrorism expert John O'Neill started his job as head of security at the World Trade Center on August 23rd. Suspecting Al-Qaeda would “finish the job” they started in 1993, he ultimately perished in the South Tower on 9-11 while trying to coordinate evacuation efforts.
* Call Me Crazy, the memoir of actress Anne Heche, was released on Sept. 4th and entertainment media had a field day questioning her sanity. (After the attacks, Jay Leno lamented the time society spent focusing on such a trivial thing.)
* On September 10, 2001, the town of Amherst, MA voted 4-1 to ban the "excessive" display of American flags except for on approved days. University of Massachusetts physics professor Jennie Traschen spoke before the board and said the American flag was "...a symbol of terrorism and death and fear and destruction and repression."
September 11, 2001...
* It was a very sunny and cool Tuesday morning with no clouds in the sky.
* Upon learning that a plane hit the North Tower of the World Trade Center, many people thought it was an accident. An infamous announcement made over the PA system of the South Tower said the building was secure and people could return to their offices. How many lives were lost because of this?
* I was awoken by the sound of my mother shouting, "They're crashing planes into the World Trade Center!" She had watched the attack live. The first thing I thought was small propeller planes or private jets. When I saw footage of the attack, I got sick to my stomach. For the rest of the day, I stayed glued to the television and really didn't do anything else.
* No one expected the towers to collapse based on the fact that they had been constructed to withstand a plane crash. One news anchor on ABC even said that it looked like the fire inside the World Trade Center was putting itself out. This statement was made just minutes before the South Tower collapsed.
* The airspace over the United States and later Canada was quickly shut down leaving many people stranded in other countries. The night skies were uncannily quiet but we did hear what was most likely two Air National Guard jet fighters fly over the house. I ran outside and spotted two slowly flashing red marker lights streaking across a dark sky. Civilian air traffic resumed on Sept. 13th.
* Horrifying images from that day were burned into America's psyche. We saw things that no one had ever expected to see. Many witnesses initially described 9-11 as surreal or like something out of a movie.
Just after Sept. 11, 2001...
* The French newspaper Le Monde declared in a headline "We are all Americans." There was much sympathy from around the world but one infamous news report showed a group of Palestinians celebrating the collapse of the twin towers.
* All late-night talk shows were suspended for a considerable length of time and news coverage of the attacks dominated the airwaves. For months, the overnight news on CBS showed live footage of the cleanup at Ground Zero as they broke for commercials.
* Ground Zero Illness would become a major concern for rescue works and survivors of the attack. Donations of surgical and filter masks were encouraged.
* Some people placed a single electric candle in their windows in the hope that survivors would be found the in the wreckage of the World Trade Center.
* Blood donations surged to record levels. Palestinian Authority President Yasser Arafat held a press conference in which he appeared to donate blood for the victims of 9-11.
* Logan Airport was closed for four days and when it reopened, State Police ran the security checkpoints while the National Guard patrolled the facility.
* The security of smaller local airports was called into question and concerns were raised about crop dusters being used as weapons.
* People were on the lookout for suspicious Middle Eastern men driving a white van who had been seen in New Jersey joking and photographing the burning World Trade Center. They turned out to be Israelis working for a moving company and this incident inspired one of the many conspiracy theories and urban legends that would surround the terrorist attack.
* Urban legends of fore knowledge soon surfaced including the story of a Muslim student at New Utrecht High School in Brooklyn who had pointed to the twin towers and told his class the buildings would not be there next week. An Islamic calendar printed in May of 2001 showed a passenger jet on fire and about to crash into New York Harbor for the month of September.
* During his visit to Ground Zero on Sept. 14th, President Bush spoke to the crowd using a bullhorn and promised, "The people who knocked these buildings down will hear from all of us soon." The mother of fallen Port Authority Police Officer George Howard gave the president her son's badge which served as a memorial to 9-11 victims during a speech to Congress.
* On Sept. 15th, Sikh-American gas station owner Balbir Singh Sodhi was mistaken for a Muslim and shot to death in what was the first of several post 9-11 hate crimes.
* There were calls for more world news coverage in the media so Americans would not be so myopic.
* Stories of tragedy and survival soon emerged: The executive chef of Windows on the World avoided being killed in the attack because he stopped to get his glasses fixed before going to the restaurant. Longtime window washer Roko Camaj, who had been interviewed in 1999 about his job, perished in the attack but another window washer, Jan Demczur, who was trapped in an elevator, escaped by using a squeegee handle to cut through drywall. Four people above the impact zone of the South Tower survived by descending the only intact stairwell. Sixteen people managed to survive the collapse of the North Tower. Just before passengers of Flight 93 attempted to regain control of the aircraft, Todd Beemer said, "Let's Roll.” The catchphrase gained popularity for a time after 9-11.
* Another catchphrase that emerged was: “If you see something, say something” as government officials urged us all to be on the lookout for suspicious activities.
* Enya's song "Only Time" became very popular around this time in addition to Lee Greenwood's "Proud to Be an American". I had wondered why Don Henley's 1990 tune "New York Minute" wasn't played too. Contrary to what the internet says now about that tune being associated with Sept. 11, 2001, it was not. (Perhaps it was too depressing?)
* American flags were very popular again and one prominent television ad around this time was for the American Freedom Collection. It consisted of two flags that clipped onto a car's side windows. One was an American flag and the other was a blue flag with the phrase God Bless America on it.
* Flag stickers were added to many MBTA transit vehicles and some buses and trolleys featured large "United We Stand" signs in their side ad card holders.
* American flags appeared on many products...some in good taste and in bad. I remember going out to eat and receiving a wet nap with a flag on one side. The other side had a pledge from the company that a portion of sales would go to charity to help the victims of the attack on America. Later on I saw a local dollar store selling Chinese-made filter masks with a photo of the twin towers on the package. Bad taste indeed!
* Bob Kaufman from Bob's Discount Furniture put out a cheesy ad in which he said he really didn't know how to respond to the new threat America faced. Blaine Beauty Schools also had a slightly tasteless ad in which they asked if people were reexamining their lives and wanted a more meaningful career. Ads for the Jewelry Exchange claimed "now more than ever" it was time to show that special someone how much you loved them.
* Patriotic billboards and television public service announcements appeared. One PSA urged parents to talk to their kids about their feelings and featured a sad boy with a drawing of the attack being comforted by his mother.
* President Bush warned the war on terror would not take years but perhaps decades and due to the sensitive nature of intelligence gathering, many victories would never be publicized.
* Some in the media predicted casualties for the invasion of Afghanistan would reach the tens of thousands within the first year due to heavy house to house combat.
* The lesser known part of the war on terror brought the United States to parts of Africa and the Philippines.
* Novelty "Federal Terrorist Hunting Permit" stickers appeared on car windows. I had made a sign for my car's back window that read "Infidel on board."
* A panel chair on the show Politically Incorrect was left empty for a week to honor frequent guest Barbara Olson, a lawyer and conservative television commentator who was killed on American Airlines Flight 77 en route to a taping of the television show. Host Bill Maher was soon caught up in controversy when he criticized past U.S. military policy and refuted President George Bush's claim that the 9-11 terrorists were cowardly.
* Letters containing anthrax spores were mailed to the offices of two politicians and several media outlets killing five people. During one news broadcast, Tom Brokaw famously held up a bottle of antibiotics and said, "In Cipro we trust." A government scientist named Bruce Edwards Ivins was suspected but he overdosed on Tylenol in an apparent suicide before formal charges could be filed.
* Tom Ridge, the head of the newly created Office of Homeland Security was advising us to buy duct tape along with other supplies as a precaution against a possible biological attack.
* Some in government called for a loosening of policies that tied the hands of law enforcement. (The controversial USA Patriot Act was later signed into law in October.)
* After the attack on Pearl Harbor, America demanded much from its citizens...everything from enlisting in the military to the rationing of a whole host of items on the home front. After the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, the only thing that seemed to be demanded of me is that I go shopping to stimulate the economy.
* From my own personal experiences, people seemed to be nicer to each other on the roads but that only lasted for about 3 months.
Months and years after Sept 11, 2001...
* Saudi Arabian Prince Alwaleed bin Talal offered Mayor Rudy Giuliani a $10 million check for the Twin Towers Fund but later publicly criticized America's policies in the Middle East prompting the Mayor to return the check.
* 9-11 widow Kalahasthi Prasanna, who lost her husband on Flight 11, died of an apparent suicide on Oct. 19th. Patricia Flounders, whose husband was killed in the World Trade Center took her own life on Dec. 9th. (In 2009, outspoken 9-11 widow Beverly Eckert would perish in the crash of Colgan Air Flight 3407.)
* Hillary Clinton was booed during the Concert for New York City but oddly enough Bill Clinton was not. The booing was edited out and replaced with cheering in subsequent broadcasts and the DVD version of the event.
* Fears of another terrorist attack arose again on November 12, 2001 when American Airlines Flight 587 crashed into a neighborhood in Queens, New York shortly after takeoff. The National Transportation Safety Board would later rule out terrorism as a cause for the disaster.
* Missionaries Heather Mercer and Dayna Curry were rescued by the U.S. military on November 15, 2001.
* Also in November of 2001, the Leonids produced one of the most spectacular meteor showers in years. I found it odd that something so beautiful could occur just weeks after something as ugly as the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks.
* Some made the claim there had been a spike in the number of marriages (and later a post 9-11 baby boom) but this was false.
* In December, The Amazing Spider-Man Volume 2 #36 debuted with an all black cover and a storyline that showed various Marvel Comic super heroes and villains helping first responders at Ground Zero. The terrorist attacks influenced many other comic books and weekly comic strips.
* On December 22nd, Richard Reid attempted to detonate a shoe bomb while traveling on American Airlines Flight 63 but was stopped by passengers and crew. In response to this failed terrorist attack, U.S. airports required passengers remove their shoes during pre-boarding security screenings.
* Actor James Woods revealed to the public that while on a commercial flight from Boston to Los Angeles in August of 2001, he noticed men of Middle Eastern descent (who were later believed to be some of the 9/11 hijackers) acting suspiciously and informed a flight attendant of their behavior.
* After minor controversy, an American flag recovered from the World Trade Center was allowed to be carried by athletes during the opening ceremony of the 2002 Winter Olympics in Salt Lake City. Honor guards made up of members of the NYPD and FDNY were also present and NYPD officer Daniel Rodriguez sang God Bless America.
* A color-coded terror threat level scale was unveiled in April of 2002 but many people did not understand its meaning.
* On June 7, 2002, the Philippine Army conducted a raid to rescue hostages held by terrorist group Abu Sayyaf. Gracia Burnham survived but her husband, Martin and a nurse were killed.
* For those of us living on the east coast, the one year anniversary of 9-11 took place on a very dark and windy day.
* In 2003, ABC debuted Profiles from the Front Line...a series where camera crews followed actual members of the Special Forces in Afghanistan. It lasted only six episodes.
* New York City saw a strangely familiar mass evacuation during the Northeast blackout of 2003 which occurred during the afternoon of Aug. 14th. Some credited 9-11 for an improved emergency response and a relatively calm reaction from the general public.
After the Sept. 11th terrorist attacks, we were told life in this country would never be the same and for those who lost loved-ones, this is true. However, I can't help thinking that our culture has become more self-absorbed than ever over the years since. Please take some time this month to remember the victims of 9-11 and try to do something selfless in their honor.
One of the more interesting classes at Bishop Fenwick High School was Theology of Death. While some lessons were purely academic, like studying the Church's beliefs on the afterlife or identifying the seven stages of grief, others hit much closer to home. A very sobering assignment that stands out in my mind was having to plan our own funeral. My teacher, Mr. Farley, wanted his students to think about where they were in life and how they would be remembered by others.
There were the small details to work out like who would give our eulogy or what kind of outfit our corpse would wear during the wake but we also wrestled with some pretty hefty decisions like figuring out what our obituary would say. Such an introspective exercise quickly stirred up feelings of self-doubt. I struggled to write something halfway decent and thought my obituary kept coming up short.
Reflecting on these feelings of inadequacy, I insisted someone read the last few lines of a Star Trek comic book during my mock funeral. Once A Hero was published in 1991 and told the story of yet another ubiquitous security guard who gets killed during one of the starship Enterprise's away missions. Instead of allowing him to be forgotten, Captain Kirk vows to find meaning in his death. The problem was, nobody really knew anything about this security guard.
While trying to deliver a substantial eulogy, the captain laments, “Even though he was a member of this crew, sharing the same dangers and same rewards. Even though he was one of us, he was...a cypher. A no one. Defined by the parameters of his position: a security guard. No one got to know him. No one cared. He spoke to no one, and no one spoke to him. He was just another man in the ranks.” Kirk then regrets the fact that he took this man's life for granted and warns that we must never lose touch with each other because, “...the death of even one of us diminishes us all.”
This comic book spoke to me during my high school years because it highlighted how some of us simply fade into the background and go unnoticed even though we walk the same hallways as the popular kids. We yearn to be well-liked or to find a sense of belonging but somehow our struggles go unnoticed. It's a credit to the writer of that comic book that I remember the issue so clearly after all these years.
Everyone has a story to tell and while I was never one for reading the obituaries in the local newspaper, I've gotten into the habit lately. Here, a person's whole existence is summed up in just a few lines. What to mention and what to leave out? Some obituaries describe rich and fruitful lives while others say very little at all. Most mention the relationships these people had: wife of so-and-so...mother to this many children...with a number of nieces, nephews and grandchildren. Work history also takes up a bit of space. Many old timers served in the military and then went on to long careers at just one company before retiring. (The United Shoe Machinery Corporation and General Electric were two of the area's biggest employers.) How a person died is usually mentioned even if it's a little vague with expressions like “surrounded by family” and “unexpectedly.”
I guess my recent curiosity stems from the fact that I haven't had a very fulfilling life thus far. Those relationships that are the cornerstone of a good obituary continue to elude me. My jobs haven't been careers and the most meaningful things I've done came from volunteering. As I scan the pages for how old or how young people were when they passed away, it makes me wonder if there's still time for many of my dreams. That person who celebrated 60 years of marriage will never be me. Yet another problem with being a chronically single Catholic.
Thinking back to that Theology of Death class, if I were to plan my funeral today the obituary probably wouldn't be very positive. I've joked with friends that I should just tell it like it is by writing, “He left the world with a broken heart, hoping for the best but often finding hurt and disappointment.” If Mr. Farley were alive today, I'm not sure what he'd have to say about that.
One of my teachers in middle school named Mr. Anderson told us a person's age had a big influence on our behavior. To illustrate this point, he said that if he decided to sit with us in the cafeteria the things we would talk about would be very different from the topics we usually discussed during lunch with our friends. I'm not sure how obsessed Mr. Anderson was with TV shows like The Transformers and Inspector Gadget but he was probably correct.
While having older friends and acquaintances can teach young people valuable lessons, it's important for them to be with their own kind too. In high school, there weren't many of my fellow students to hang out with but the elderly seemed to be everywhere. Gray-haired parishioners filled the pews during Mass and significant number of employees and customers at the small grocery store I worked for were old as well. I got along with some of them but the topics of conversation they brought up were very different from the concerns that were foremost on my mind. While I worried about fitting in and getting a date for the junior prom, they complained about every little ache and pain. If I was feeling sad from being bullied, they would simply say, “Smile. It can't be that bad.” To the young person who can't seem to find where he belongs in the world, it can be that bad. Then of course, I was constantly reminded how life was so much better back in their day.
Soon these people invaded my thoughts. I feared growing old and thought about death on a daily basis. I imagined a world 100 years from now with a student looking at distant images of our generation on a page in a history book. These thoughts weren't very natural for a teenager and it made my young life feel very tiresome. I'm not saying young people should live their days with carefree abandon but there needs to be balance. A teen's sense of his own mortality should make him appreciate life instead of dreading it.
Unfortunately, being surrounded by old people has continued to plague me all these years later. I could be sitting by myself at the library and an elderly woman will plunk herself down right next to me. At Mass, no person my age ever occupies the nearby pews. The friendships and acquaintances I do have with the elderly tend to be very one-sided. They get to discuss the movies, television shows and music they grew up with but God forbid I share anything from my generation. In fact, there is a whole list of “safe” and “unsafe” topics swirling around in my mind.
One septuagenarian friend named Richard has been growing increasingly grumpy despite a comfortable retirement and happy marriage. No matter the subject, he always seems to find a way to bring people down. In an e-mail on the 50th anniversary of the Apollo 11 moon landing, he started off by saying what a wonderful achievement it was. He then mentioned how the event briefly united the world. His commentary quickly went south: “I can't believe it's been a half century since that night. I'm 78 now and I'm disappointed that after a few more moon landings, we just quit. I expected by now that there would be a permanent base on the moon. But no, just some footprints and abandoned equipment. What a waste.”
Richard also sent a fascinating Youtube video of New York street scenes from 1911. He wrote: “Every single person and horse in this film have long since passed away. They were here, like we are, and had their moment in the sun. Captured on film, they will live on, unknown, for as long as the film images last. We now are having our moment in the sun, and 108 years from now we, like them, will be long gone.” Hmm. Do I need any more reminders of how short life is?
Over the years, I learned to put up with Richard's curmudgeonly commentary but recently, it got too personal. As he was waiting in a mutual friend's pickup tuck, Richard saw me walking along in the distance and said to everyone that I would never get married. I blew my chance at finding a wife in college and now I spent too much time being a mamma's boy. He added that I dressed like someone out of the 1956 Sears catalog and needed to get with the times. When I learned about his hurtful rant, I said nothing to him but decided to keep my distance from now on. Over the years, I had sacrificed a lot to maintain a friendship with Richard. Now he was throwing me under the bus for a good laugh. If this didn't underscore the importance of having caring relationships with people your own age, nothing else did.
My high school years were a little more than half over and even though I still longed for a girlfriend, there were no prospects in sight. One close friend of mine was dating a girl who just happened to have a friend named Jen. She wasn't seeing anyone at the time so they thought it might be a good idea to set me up with her. Of course, I asked my friend the usual questions: “What was she like? Was she cute?” In the days before smart phones and social media, photographs of people weren't always handy so I had to meet her in real life to find out. In fact, I didn't even know what my friend's girlfriend looked like either.
The plan was to meet Jen, my friend and his girlfriend at his house. Was this a double date? Did I need to dress up? Were we going out somewhere? He was pretty vague about what the night would entail. To make a good impression and just to be on the safe side, I decided to wear a nice sweater. When I arrived at my friend's house, everyone was hanging out in the cellar. Among the heater and exposed pipes was a make-shift TV room where two girls waited for us. One had brown hair and a somewhat athletic build and the other was blonde with glasses and very overweight. I quietly asked my friend, “Which one is mine?” It was the overweight blonde, of course.
I was way overdressed because we were just going to watch a movie on his VCR. Jen wore a loose-fitting wrinkled shirt with tight gray sweatpants that accentuated her huge thighs. I had reservations about this but was still willing to give her a chance and see where the evening would go. Everyone wanted to watch the 1990 cinematic gem, House Party starring Kid 'n Play. This wouldn't be my first choice...third choice...or 100th choice but I decided to just go along with it to make everyone happy. My friend pressed play on the VCR and I sat in awkward silence as they all laughed at tasteless jokes. There were references to garden hoes, and a graphic scene of coitus interruptus among other things. Did I say this wouldn't even be my 100th choice for the evening's entertainment?
There were a few times when I tried engaging Jen in conversation but she really didn't have much to say. It was clear we were two very different people with not much in common. I wondered why the heck my friend ever tried to set me up with her. Shortly after the movie ended, I headed for home. Did this awful experience count as my very first date? It certainly didn't feel like it. In my mind, we were just casually hanging out in a basement for a few hours.
The next day, my friend asked what I thought of Jen. I let him know that I just wasn't interested in her. Of course, he later reported this news to his girlfriend and she thought I was a jerk for rejecting her friend. I really didn't care what she thought because I had to stay true to myself. This girl gave me no indication that she had anything in common with me regarding my faith, hobbies, or personality and I wasn't going to be guilted into a relationship that was doomed to fail.
The whole incident reminds me of one stand up comic's routine about blind dates. He said that after a certain age, it gets much harder to find eligible singles so his friends try to set him up with the only available women they can find. To make these potential suitors sound more appealing, his friends say things like, “She has so much in common with you. She breaths air. You breath air. What a coincidence. It was meant to me.” While an extreme exaggeration, it certainly has a ring of truth to it.
Over the summer, my friend and his girlfriend went to a water park with Jen and her new boyfriend. He said Jen was all over her date and she made an embarrassing display of herself. They were sexually active and just couldn't keep their hands off each other. I thought to myself, “If I had low standards, that could have been me.” Interestingly, he apologized for trying to set me up with Jen in the first place. I didn't hold a grudge because he was influenced by the desire to make his girlfriend happy. I just wish he had exercised a little more judgment in choosing a possible girlfriend for me because sometimes when people think they are helping, they're not helping at all.
A while ago, I attended the town hall meeting of a local politician. The event was held in the auditorium of a far away community's high school auditorium and in one of the hallways was a sign that read: “See someone alone...reach out and help...start with hello.” I wondered if this slogan was part of those feel-good anti-bullying campaigns meant to appeal to kids growing up in the digital age. Having been bullied myself, I was somewhat skeptical of how effective the sign's message was. Right then and there a wave of memories came flooding back.
While attending Bishop Fenwick High School, I hoped to find many like-minded Catholics but found myself becoming more and more of an outcast. My freshman year was marked by shy awkwardness. During my sophomore year, I tried to assert myself but was ridiculed for it. When my junior year began, I sensed time was running out to find a place to fit in.
My social life left something to be desired and while many of my friends went to parties and did other fun things outside of school, I seemed to be left out of the loop. A well-respected and somewhat popular student who professed to be a good Catholic took pity on me and pledged he would help me get more of a social life. I welcomed this kind of assistance but at the same time, I had my doubts he would be there for me. Since so much time had been lost during my previous two years of high school, I had to see it to believe it. As the weeks and then months passed, not much of anything happened to help improve my situation. I continued to spend night after night alone in my room pining for friends to hang out with and a girlfriend.
Then one day I learned the student who pledged to help improve my social life completely forgot about me. He and one of my friends had been hanging out and decided to go bowling. Then they thought it would be a lot more fun to invite a bunch of people. Soon friends were calling friends and an impromptu “tournament” was being formed. So many students agreed to stop by the bowling alley, several lanes had to be reserved. Everyone was having a great time when more than halfway through this tournament one of my friends realized they forgot to invite me. When I found out about this, I was deeply hurt. It could have been an honest mistake but being left out had me wondering if I was that invisible to people...even the ones who said they would go out of their way to help. Had I been really popular, I don't think I would have been so far away from everyone's minds.
This incident highlighted the trouble with friendships that are based on sympathy rather than mutual respect. Right off the bat, these relationships begin with unequal footing. While reaching out to that sad, lonely kid can be helpful, it shouldn't be done if you aren't going to make their needs and concerns a priority. From then on, I never took anything this fellow student said seriously.
When we help those who are less fortunate than us, do we see them as fellow human beings who might have been given a bad break or do we see them as something less than ourselves? Doing the latter robs people of their dignity and could cause more harm than good. When politicians court "the poor" to get votes, we hear all the speeches about fairness but notice how they never seem to get down and dirty with them to truly understand their plight. Instead many of our elected officials talk down to the poor from their mansions and fancy dinner parties. Every year, we see them clamor for photo opportunities at the local food pantry during Thanksgiving but if they really cared as much as they said they did, why wouldn't they invite a few of those homeless people to live with them? Talk is cheap.
One day during school, our class was let out early so we could attend an event in the auditorium. We were allowed to wait outside since it was such a warm and sunny day. As my fellow students spontaneously gathered into their usual cliques, I stood by myself and leaned up against a wooden post. An overly religious female classmate saw this and asked me, “Do you want to join us?” I looked at her and just shook my head no. I had enough sympathy for one day. If I couldn't be desired for who I was, I'd rather be alone.
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| The dreaded screen. |
Around this time of year, older Catholics like my mother talk about fulfilling their Easter Duty. By that they mean going to confession at least once a year (although just about every priest I've ever met would say we need to partake in the sacrament of reconciliation much more often).
The thought of going to confession for the first time created a lot of anxiety in me despite the fact that our CCD teachers and priests did a great job explaining how important the sacrament of reconciliation was. Instead of using the church's confessional, Fr. Kiley had chosen a quiet room that was normally used as a staging area before Mass. As my fellow CCD classmates went in one by one, I grew more nervous even though we were told our priests would not judge or keep score. When I entered the room, Fr. Kiley was sitting with his back turned to me which I found odd because he had encouraged us to confess our sins face to face if we wanted to. At such a young age, my transgressions must have seemed very benign to him. When I left the confessional, my soul felt much lighter, but the experience was too nerve-wracking to make it a regular habit.
When my mother wanted us to fulfill our Easter Duty, we usually visited the Carmelite Chapel at the Northshore Shopping Center since it was open during the week. The place had several traditional confessionals which consisted of two booths for parishioners with the priest in a middle booth. He would slide back a screen on either side to talk to us. A little red cross above the confessional door lit up whenever someone inside used the kneeler. The thought of going brought a sense of dread and once inside the confessional, my anxiety only increased. I could hear the muffled conversation of the priest and the parishioner on the other side as I waited for that dreaded screen to slide open.
My priests always made a great case for confession. One pastor liked to say, “If you think you don't need to go to confession, you really need to go to confession.” By that he meant sometimes we can become spiritually lazy without even knowing it. Another priest compared sin to garbage that weighs us down and the confessional was the surest way to make our souls feel 100 pounds lighter. We were told not to be embarrassed when we confessed our sins because priests have heard it all and they only cared that you were participating in the sacrament of reconciliation. Despite all this, I've rarely gone to confession as an adult because I'm just too shy. In fact, it's one of the only things about the Church that this normally devout Catholic has a problem with. While it's no excuse for not going, I do ask God for forgiveness during my nightly prayers and sometimes during the day when I've really screwed up. However, there have been occasions when I couldn't avoid the confessional.
A couple of times, my mother and I have completely forgotten a Holy Day of Obligation. One time our pastor was really cool and heard my confession right on the spot just before Mass, although when my list of sins seemed too short for him, he asked, “Is that it?” The remark was really off-putting and had me wondering if I needed a little more excitement in my life.
The other occasion actually marked my very first time attending regular confession hours at St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly after having been a parishioner there for over a decade. This house of worship lacked confessionals so you had to go downstairs to the lower church and then enter the sacristy to meet with the priest. The place was packed and when it was my turn, I tried to make a good confession. I mentioned swearing and telling the occasional white lie, but I also included lust, anger, spiritual laziness and my lack of faith. I was really trying to be sincere but when it came time for my pastor to absolve me of my sins, he said I had “lucked out”. Since the crowd was so big, he needed to keep things moving along and would only give me a few prayers to say for penance. I was very disappointed by his response because I was not looking for a short cut. In fact, I wanted to discuss my sins in greater detail since they were manifestations of the conflicts in my life that I just didn't know how to resolve on my own. The whole incident left me feeling cold and I've never been back to confession ever since.
This April, my mother wanted to fulfill her Easter Duty yet again so it was off to the Carmelite Chapel. A group of friendly and well-meaning priests from India now run the place but as I sat next to my mother in the pew waiting for her to enter the confessional, I just couldn't muster enough strength to follow her lead. What would I say that I didn't already talk to God about? What would change after I confessed my sins? Why couldn't I meet with a priest face to face in a comforting setting instead of this claustrophobic booth with only a disembodied voice to talk to?
During Lent, the Boston Archdiocese encourages all of us to go to confession and they even advertise extended hours in church bulletins with their The Light Is On For You campaign. As I sat waiting for my mother to leave the confessional, part of me really wanted to participate so I could fully embrace my Catholic faith. But the part of me that's too shy, too anxious, too hurt and too broken always keeps me from opening that door.
