Singles, Free Will and 9-11

I discussed being single with an unmarried Catholic woman in her late 40s recently and was struck by how different her outlook on life was.  Despite a few failed relationships and the fact that her mother might never see any grandchildren, she preferred not to dwell on the past or place blame on anyone.  I then shared my feelings about the Church.  For a long time, the clergy have ignored singles who are called to be married when there was so much they could've done to help us.  While she agreed with some of what I said, she preferred to better her own life by looking forward.  At one point in the discussion she even mentioned God's will.  She did feel the call to be married and have kids but accepted the fact that the Almighty did not send a potential husband into her life yet.  I asked if she was alone today because others who had the option of helping her, chose to do nothing.

When the Church was experiencing a shortage of priests, what happened?  Steps were taken to actively promote priestly vocations: from sermons about why the priesthood was awesome to discernment retreats to special prayers for vocations.  Some parishes even passed around vocational crosses to different households so families could pray for seminarians.  One of my pastors credited these actions with helping to increase vocations to the priesthood and religious life.

The key word is ACTION.  When something was wrong within the Church, we just didn't pray for things to improve.  Deliberate measures were put into place to make positive changes happen.  Far too often, Catholics use “God's will” to justify the loneliness singles experience.  When someone like me complains about not being able to find a spouse, we are told to have patience because God works in His own time.  Blame is even placed on us for daring to question His wisdom.

I wondered if everything that happened to us singles was God's will and not free will?  Then using the example of 9-11, I said to the woman, “You have a person who is born into the world as a unique refection of God's love.  They are fed, educated, grow up, and make their way in the world to fall in love and do something wonderful with their God given talents.  One day while simply going to work, they die horribly as a plane piloted by terrorists crashes into the World Trade Center.  Was it God's will for this person's life to be cut short or was it free will that caused so much death and destruction?”

I added that while the terrorists were the ones who chose to do evil, if we went back in time far enough, the actions of the United States in the Middle East helped put into motion a long series of events that led up to the terrorist attack.  From giving military aid to the mujahideen in Afghanistan, to the overthrow of the democratically elected prime minister of Iran in 1953, our country has not always grasped the law of unintended consequences.

The woman said there has always been suffering in the world and while we may never understand why, we should do our best to live a holy life.  I told her it was “God's will” that she should have a family but the inaction of our Church needed to be corrected.  There was nothing wrong with pointing out past failures because that's how we learned to prevent such failures from happening again.

Some people feel the loneliness singles endure is like a set of emotional training wheels that prepares us for marriage.  This view usually creates a climate of apathy instead of assistance, however.  When the Church faced a priest shortage the hierarchy did something about it.  Was this seen as having a lack of faith in God's plan?  No way.  Why then are singles with a calling to Holy matrimony told to simply accept the situation they find themselves in?

The Anxiety Of Daily Prayer

Over the years, many of my priests have stressed the importance of daily prayer.  As a kid, my parents did a great job making sure I said my bedtime prayers which were very simple and innocent.  As I got older, prayers consisted of an Our Father and maybe a Hail Mary.  I later purchased a pocket prayer book that had a nice prayer at bedtime that read:

O my God, I adore you, and love you with all my heart.

I thank you for having created me, having saved me by your grace

and for having preserved me during this day.

I pray that you will take for yourself whatever good
I might have done this day,

and that you will forgive me whatever evil I might have done.

Protect me this night, and may your grace be with me always
and with those I love.

In my teens, daily prayers tended to include more specific requests that reflected some of the hopes and struggles in my life.  I found nothing wrong with this since we had been encouraged to have a personal relationship with God.  After a while, I stopped praying on a daily basis due to all the distractions and conflicts in my life.  Then in 1986, my family planned a vacation to Disney World and I was incredibly nervous about flying.  I promised God to pray every day if our plane didn't crash.  For many years after that, I embraced daily prayer once again.

During one sermon, Fr. Richard Johnson, the pastor at St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly had a nice outlook on daily prayer.  He said there might be times when we were so tired, we couldn't muster enough strength to finish praying before falling asleep.  He said God would appreciate the effort because we were still thinking of Him.  Fr. James Foley, who also served in the parish said we should say a little prayer every time we got into a car, went for a walk, or did any number of mundane things because he felt God should be a constant presence in our lives.

It's been said that daily prayer brings us closer to God but over the years, distance and anxiety has crept in.  I'll start my prayers off by asking for forgiveness for all my sins.  Then I pray for all my friends and family.  From there, I think about loved-ones who are no longer on this earth.  The list is long and continues to grow.  I lost my dad to cancer a few years ago and pray that he is in heaven but so far, I have never felt his presence or had any sign that a part of him is still with me.  Cancer has taken so many relatives and acquaintances and praying for a miracle cure never seems to work.

There have been people in my life that I knew or knew of who committed suicide and I pray that they can be forgiven.  Sometimes people desperately need help but it never arrives.  Would a loving God not take this into account and condemn them to hell?

I pray for the victims of terrorist attacks and think about all the people who were trapped in the burning World Trade Center.  My thoughts turn to the senseless brutality of war...from the Holocaust, to the rape of Nanking, to the collateral damage my country caused in Iraq and Afghanistan.  So many people never had the chance to live a full life.  It makes me wonder why God allows such violence to happen in the first place.

Then there are the personal requests.  I pray that God will help me find the woman of my dreams but wind up dwelling on all those lost years spent without a significant other.  I pray for warm friendships but wonder why there have been so many toxic relationships in my life.  (I recently learned an annoying acquaintance was arrested for sexual assault last month!)  I pray for a career path that channels my creativity instead of unemployment and dead end jobs.  There have been times during my nightly prayers where all I can say to God is, “Help me.  Please help me.”

Some of my priests have said God is not a genie who magically grants our wishes.  They add what God wants might not be what you want.  If that's the case, why bother praying at all?  If there are things in this world that are “meant to be” then how can praying change anything?  Does God follow a prime directive where He doesn't interfere in people's lives but occasionally grants favors every now and then?

I have tried to set aside some time at the end of every day to talk to God but this year is different.  The anxiety from all those thoughts, questions and repeated requests have become too overwhelming and my nightly routine has started to wane.  If daily prayer brings peace and closeness to God, I must be doing it wrong.