The Trouble With Birthdays

Since there's only one “you” in this vast universe, birthdays should be joyous celebrations of life where your uniqueness is cherished by loved ones.  For black sheep, this special day can be problematic.

As a kid, birthdays were humble but nice.  The family would gather after dinner to unveil a beautifully decorated cake and then I would open presents, which was always exciting.  In the last years of elementary school, having friends celebrate with me became important so my family organized a few small parties which were wonderful.

As I got older, the desire to go out and do something fun with my peers was strong but birthdays were gradually becoming something of an afterthought.  A few friends couldn't remember the exact day while others forgot altogether.  (Some of them wouldn't hesitate to remind me about their birthdays, though.)

When friends did rise to the occasion, our time together didn't exactly fulfill my expectations.  One year, a buddy called me at the last minute but it was so late, we spent the night driving around empty streets with nowhere to go.  I enjoyed the company but it also underscored my sense of isolation.

Of course, if a friend has kids, it means the little ones tag along too and sometimes they bring their grandfather.  If birthdays are the one time of the year when it's alright to be the center of attention, this can significantly cramp your style.


I really dislike Boston cream pie.  When a friend insisted I drive out to see him, he unveiled the dreaded dessert as my birthday cake.  Why?  Because it was HIS favorite flavor.  Boston cream pie reappeared a few years later when my parents were forced to buy one because the local market had run out of other cakes.  I appreciated the thought but removed the cream layer from my slice.

The dreaded Boston cream pie

One of my birthdays was spent attending an uncle's funeral.  The next year, relatives invited us to a memorial dinner for him.  I got my hopes up when they brought out a birthday cake but it was for a cousin who had a birthday a few days later.

Eventually celebrating with my parents became the routine as friends moved away.  One year we got dressed up to go to a fancy restaurant but before I finished reading the menu, my brother got into an argument with my dad which spoiled the mood.  Sometimes we just stayed home and my mom would cook a favorite meal.  I still longed for that night out with a close circle of friends, however.

While my parents usually got me a thoughtful card with some money inside, others felt they had to buy a present no matter how odd it was.  For some reason, my cousin felt I would enjoy a ceramic bear figurine sitting inside a tea cup with the words "Happy Birthday To You!" emblazoned on the side.  Gifts like that make me wonder if people really know me at all.  Of course, nothing creates doubt more than when a friend doesn't reciprocate after giving them a gift for their special day.

Back when you actually had to remember the date of someone's birthday, a few of my friends would exchange personal birthday wishes via e-mail.  This ended with the advent of Facebook.  Now wishing someone a happy birthday was as simple as typing out two words yet most of my Facebook friends couldn't even do that.  This year hit a new low.  After some deliberation, I deleted a good chunk of them and unfollowed a few more.  Some were only acquaintances but others had been close to me at one time.

Social media often cheapens friendships.  The day before my birthday, I put out the call on Facebook for someone to keep me company.  Two friends who lived far away expressed their regrets but everyone else said nothing.  I guess they were too busy posting the latest meme or sharing yet another political article.  As wired as society is nowadays, we seem to be more disconnected than ever.  Only a couple of friends pick up the phone to call with birthday greetings anymore.

While cleaning out the attic many years ago, I found an old children's book called Sloth's Birthday Party.  When the main character feels forgotten and alone just before his birthday, all of his friends pitch in to help him celebrate in a very meaningful way.  The story strikes a chord with me because it represents an ideal that's been very elusive.

For this black sheep, birthdays are starting to feel like just another day.  Presents aren't that important when compared to the gift of warm and caring relationships.  Yet, if it wasn't for my mother putting together a small celebration, I'd probably be alone for the entire day.  

People should never take each other for granted but sometimes they do and birthdays tend to magnify this fact.

Return To The Shrine

The Madonna Queen of the Universe Shrine

In college, I became friends with a fellow Catholic from Revere, MA named Jerry.  We were both intrigued by Boston's urban landscape so it was not uncommon for us to hop on the subway during free time between classes and go exploring.  One of our trips took us to the Madonna Shrine in East Boston.

The shrine hugs a high hill in a residential neighborhood and features a plaza with an observation tower that has a large statue of Mary mounted to the front of it.  Since the place was not far from Logan International Airport, I joked, “This must be God's air traffic control tower.”  The observation deck was closed during our visit but to the right was a vestibule that led us down a flight of stairs to the shrine's gift shop.

After college, Jerry and I remained good friends.  He eventually got married and moved to the Midwest but we still kept in touch and he usually returned to Revere once or twice a year.  His 2016 trip was planned for late June but it suddenly took on a serious tone due to new difficulties in his marriage.

We got together last Sunday (June 26th) to discuss his troubles then he felt like going for a drive.  I suggested returning to the Madonna Shrine after 20 years and he was very much up for it.  When we arrived, a sign just outside the plaza said Mass would begin at 4:30 PM so Jerry suggested we attend.

The observation tower was closed again so when we saw a priest get out of his car and walk toward the shrine's entrance we decided to ask him about it.  He told us the tower was never really open and we soon found ourselves having a friendly chat with him about many different things.  His name was  Fr. Robert Kennedy and he was going to say the only English Mass of the day here since the parish served a Spanish and Portuguese-speaking community too.

We talked movies and he said one of his past assignments was a true multiplication of fishes and loaves story that would have made a great film.  In the early 1970s, he helped feed the poor at the Pine Street Inn homeless shelter and from those humble beginnings, other food banks emerged over the years with the capacity to serve a lot more people in need.

The view from the shrine.

At one point in the conversation we wondered what impact the digital age was having on human relationships and reminisced about the good old days when families had dinner together and children felt safe enough to play outside unsupervised.  He seemed genuinely interested in talking to us and after 20 minutes, he headed downstairs to get ready for Mass.

The original pedestal.

Jerry and I walked to the edge of the plaza to watch the jets at Logan Airport then we met a guy who lived in the neighborhood and was eager to talk about the shrine.  He told us at first the statue was supposed to go on the other side of the tower and they even built a small pedestal for it which remains to this day.  (I had also heard from a few people that the statue was supposed to go on the roof of the tower but the Federal Aviation Administration nixed the idea.)

When Jerry and I entered the main church for the first time, we were impressed and didn't expect it to be so big.  Only a handful of people attended this Mass, though.

The main church after Mass.

Fr. Kennedy's sermon highlighted the Four Agreements by author Don Miguel Ruiz.  They were:

* Be impeccable with your word.

* Don't take anything personally.  (A very hard thing to do.)

* Don't make assumptions.

* Always do your best.  (This varies depending on your situation.  Your best at age 25 might not be the same as your best at age 80.)

Fr. Kennedy added his own 5th Agreement:  Live for today.  He said dwelling on the past or constantly wishing for a better future can prevent us from living a good Christian life in the here and now.

I found the sermon to be interesting and challenging.  In that moment Jerry and I were suffering from deep-rooted personal problems.  His marriage of many years was on shaky ground.  I felt lost on so many levels.  We were both hoping for better futures even if we couldn't see how to get there.  Perhaps this sermon was a gift from God.  It certainly gave me a lot to think about.  I find the most unforgettable sermons do.

After Mass, I thanked Fr. Kennedy for his great sermon and then Jerry and I took a few photos of the place.  From there we went to Winthrop and found a side street along the water to watch the jets fly into Logan Airport.  At 7 PM, we headed back to his mother's house for more conversation and a nice spaghetti dinner.

In an ever-increasing secular world, what a rare and wonderful treat it was to go to church with a friend.  It was a good day.