Reflections of a Lame Duck Cardinal

The Boston Globe's January 29, 2024 edition featured a front-page article on Cardinal Sean O'Malley.  The interview by reporter Danny McDonald mostly focused on the Cardinal's handling of the priest sex abuse scandal.  O'Malley admitted, “We were in a terrible crisis...” but “We've come a long way...towards establishing a sense of peace.”

He received praise from Boston College professor of theology Thomas Groome who said the Cardinal held offending priests accountable and cared for the victims of sexual abuse.  Eric MacLeish, a local attorney who represented victims from the Fall River area spoke highly of Cardinal O'Malley's tenure in that particular archdiocese saying, “He met with all my clients.  He did the right thing.” 

The Cardinal was not without his critics, however.  President of BishopAccountablity.org Terrance McKiernan described O'Malley as “a fixer” but not an innovator and noted a certain lack of transparency.  McKiernan added that O'Malley's record was not horrible but “he could have done so much more.”  

The article stated when Cardinal O'Malley first arrived in Boston, the Archdiocese had a $15 million deficit and owed another $32 million to the Knights of Columbus for a loan that was used to settle lawsuits.  About $170 million was paid directly to victims and at the close of 2023 a total of $32 million had been spent on counseling and medication for them.  Today, the Boston Archdiocese is in the black but the offertory and tuition at Catholic schools remain flat.

Cardinal Sean (who turns 80 in June of this year) explained that he would likely depart from his post sooner rather than later but he had no knowledge of a timeline or a replacement.  He acknowledged the Church's response to the sex scandal was too focused on protecting its reputation and financial standing but boasted, “What we have done to address the sexual abuse crisis here is better than what anyone else has done.”    

The Cardinal briefly touched upon his record of church closures stating that “perhaps we could have done better.”  Not mentioned in the article was the 11 year vigil at Frances Xavier Cabrini Church in Scituate, MA that regularly made headlines in the local news.  Cardinal O'Malley admitted more closures in the next 5 years “was a possibility but that it would very much depend on the needs and decisions of the local community.”  I found that statement to be very ominous.  With church attendance continuing to decline, I've felt many parishes are on borrowed time.  After 5 years, will their time be up?

The article revealed some sobering facts.  When Cardinal O'Malley was first appointed to the Archdiocese of Boston in 2003, weekly church attendance was 316,000.  In 2019, it fell to 201,000 and in 2022 it was 127,000.  A spokesperson for the Archdiocese explained that latest decline away by blaming Covid since many parishes were still returning to normal.  I find that explanation to be pretty far-fetched.  In 2003, there were 357 parishes compared to 249 in 2024.  In 2003, there were 160 Catholic schools in the Archdiocese with enrollment at 55,000 students.  Today that number had dwindled to 92 schools with enrollment at 32,000.  If we look at these numbers, you could say Cardinal O'Malley failed to keep his eye on the ball and his record of growing the faith in the Boston Archdiocese was dismal.

All these declines occurred despite the Church spending a considerable amount of time and effort on promoting priestly vocations, the “New Evangelization” and the Catholics Come Home campaign among others.  Perhaps we needed a leader who wasn't meek and humble but dynamic and bold.  My personal impression of the Cardinal was one of cluelessness.  I reached out to him as a struggling Catholic single (See the blog entry: A Letter to the Cardinal) but he failed to understand not only my plight but the big picture of the Catholic singles crisis and how it's directly related to those falling Church statistics (See the blog entry: A Letter From the Cardinal).  It's not surprising though since he was ordained as a priest at age 19, became a bishop at 39 and installed as Cardinal at 61.  The priestly way of life seems to be all he's ever known while at age 19 my thoughts were largely focused on getting a girlfriend.

I won't be sorry when Cardinal O'Malley finally steps down.  My only hope is that his replacement listens to all the lost sheep of the Archdiocese instead of jet-setting to Rome or other exotic locales every month.

Greetings From New York City

(From the files of Catholic Match)

Early on in my Catholic Match membership, I was contacted by a cute woman from New York City named *Linda.  She lived with her dad in his house and was a caregiver to him.  As we traded messages, the conversation was very cordial.  I could really identify with her when she said how difficult it was to maintain the property.  Things seemed to be progressing nicely and I actually started to contemplate taking some time off from work to visit her.  Was finding a future spouse on this website that easy?  Not quite because as we continued to talk, a few things raised some concern. 

Red Flag #1:  Aside from caregiving, we didn't have a heck of a lot in common with each other as far as our hobbies and tastes were concerned.  This is always a tricky part of dating because ideally, you'd like to find someone who can relate to you on many different levels but it is unrealistic to expect a woman to enjoy the same music, TV shows and movies that you do especially if you like more obscure media.  I'd call this a negotiable part of any relationship but what is important is how she puts up with the things that bring you joy.  Does she belittle your love of science fiction?  Will she criticize you for enjoying a certain genre of music?  Does she recognize your individuality by respecting your hobbies and tastes even if she doesn't understand them?

Well, Linda seemed to think that when a person entered into a romantic relationship, they had to give up many of the things they once enjoyed to focus all their time and attention on being a couple.  This was a big red flag with me because I've seen first hand how some of my friends lost who they were when they had girlfriends or got married.  Sure, becoming one half of a couple means you do have to focus a lot more time and energy on the relationship.  Sure, there are things you give up and things you compromise on BUT it shouldn't mean you have to sell out who you are for the sake of the other person.  Some of the most successful marriages have couples who still enjoy their alone time.

Linda seemed a bit sheltered and when we discussed some favorite activities, I mentioned how much fun it was going to Comic-Con.  She didn't seem open to learning more about that and actually thought dressing in costume was a waste of time.  While I would never want my love of cosplay to be the hill that I die on, I couldn't help but think how nice it would have been if she were more open-minded about new experiences.

Red Flag #2:  She seemed to be mapping out my future life with her even though we had yet to go on a date.  When I mentioned my current dead-end job, I told her that I'd like to quit and find something very different that's more fulfilling.  Well, she mentioned a few businesses in her neck of the woods that offered similar dead-end jobs and suggested I could work there if I moved to New York.  Wow.  Was I really going to pack up and leave everything for a women I hardly knew?  Also, did she not understand the fact that I wasn't happy with my current career choice?  

Red Flag #3: Baggage.  They say when you get to a certain age, everyone has baggage, but I tend to have a small carry-on while others lug around a steamer trunk.  During the course of our conversation she said her last serious relationship lasted for well over a decade and ended badly.  Now I can understand being in love in your 20s and wanting to wait a few years before making a commitment but as many of those middle-aged singles on Catholic Match can attest to: "You don't have all the time in the world."  If the guy she had been dating was truly a decent person, he wouldn't have strung her along for all those years.  She should have figured out that he wasn't being sincere about holy matrimony and cut him loose sometime before they hit the ten year mark.  Sadly, Linda wasn't the only woman on Catholic Match who said they wasted the better part of a decade waiting for a marriage proposal that never came.  

She also admitted to being "foolish" in this relationship.  Now what does that mean?  Sometimes using that word is a polite way of saying they gave into temptation and had sex outside of marriage.  I can't say for sure what happened in Linda's case but as someone who has stayed true to the Church's teaching, it did create more doubts about her.

Some say you should really listen to those red flags because your subconscious mind is trying to tell you the relationship won't work.  Others claim that sometimes a red flag is simply you being too picky.  Despite all my misgivings, I was still willing to see where this potential relationship would go.  Unfortunately, fate would deal a cruel hand.  

As I continued to message Linda, her dad got very sick one night and he passed away.   I asked if she needed anything and offered to help in any way but from that point on, she never talked to me in the same way again.  Ultimately, she stopped messaging me on Catholic Match.

After several months passed, I reached out to her via the e-mail address she once gave me.  Linda said she was well and had met someone special on e-Harmony.  I told her I was glad and offered my continued friendship but never heard back from her ever again.  As of this writing, her profile is still on Catholic Match so I'm not sure if she forgot about it or was still single after all this time.  At any rate, this first foray into the world of online dating wouldn't be repeated for another four years because the number of meaningful interactions I would have with women on Catholic Match all but dried up.  

* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.

Slim Pickin's from the Bay State

(From the files of Catholic Match)

During the first few days of my Catholic Match membership, I searched for the profiles of local women figuring it would be my best chance to get a date.  The results didn't exactly impress me.

One girl from the nearby city of Peabody said in her profile that she liked bowling so with no romantic expectations in mind, I reached out to her hoping we could just get together and go bowling sometime.  I never got a response.  Her profile remained on Catholic Match for many years and with an unwillingness to even talk to a guy who sent her a very benign message, it didn't surprise me.

A woman from Boston contacted me but not only was she not that attractive, she listed disagreement with the Church's position on abortion.  I decided to talk to her anyway but it didn't take long for her elitism to shine.  She wanted to know how “cultured” I was so I mentioned going to museums and taking in a musical every once in a great while.  Now the true test of her character: I also mentioned my low-wage job just to see what would happen.  She decided to end all communication right then and there.  Predictable.

I reached out to another never-married local single with an exotic name but got no response.  A couple of years later, her profile was still on Catholic Match but when I checked it out again, she listed herself as being divorced.  I wondered what happened during those years to warrant such a drastic change.

Another woman from Boston reached out to me and I thought she was very cute.  We were both caregivers and she figured having that one thing in common was a good starting point to a possible relationship.  Unfortunately, the more I talked to her, the more she seemed like she had issues.  At one point in our conversation, she blocked me from sending her any more messages.  I thought, “Oh well.  No big loss.”  After a while, she lifted the block and reached out to me again.  Apparently, she thought I had been talking to other women on the site and got jealous.  Now my guard was up and as we continued to message each other, I tried to learn more about her past.  She didn't reveal much...except for the fact that she had been pregnant once but never had any kids.  Hmmm.  What does that mean?  A miscarriage?  An abortion?  Either way, I wasn't looking for someone with that kind of “experience” and decided to part ways with her.  I was still open to being just friends but the idea went over her head.

It didn't take long for the pool of eligible local singles on Catholic Match to dry up.  Unfortunately, Massachusetts is home to not only some very homely-looking women, but Catholics here tend to be liberal and lukewarm.  These “Kennedy Catholics” as I like to call them, pick and choose which of the key Church teachings to embrace and usually discard anything that's an inconvenience.  Naturally, the local females of Catholic Match reflected this demographic.  A good number of them tended to be flakes as well.  (Also, I don't care about the Red Sox or Patriots and I think the Boston accent is annoying.  There go my chances!) 

Unfortunately, Catholic Match doesn't let you search profiles by state.  Rather, it narrows your choices down to a certain radius from your hometown.  You can select something as small as a twenty-five mile radius but that seriously limits the amount of profiles you'll see, especially if you come from a sparely-populated suburb.  One woman I recognized from church listed Boston and not Beverly as her hometown to protect herself from potential stalkers but doing so skews the search results.  Chances are, many of those Catholic Match residents from Boston probably live somewhere else.

    

The website does let you search a much larger radius but this has its problems too.  If you cast a wide net like a 200+ mile radius, that's a lot of unnecessary profiles to go through especially if long distance relationships are off the table.  Also, there are big differences between someone living in metropolitan New Jersey and someone living in rural Vermont.  

For laughs, I tried to search every single profile on Catholic Match by setting no mile limitations but the site crashed after a while.  Why can't the website follow the lead of Ave Maria Singles and simply list the number of members in each state?  It would certainly make things simpler and more efficient but I have a feeling it would also expose how few local Catholic Match users there really are.  It's very telling when other members from different parts of the country complain in the forums about the lack of local singles.  This was not a good sign.