When I told a few fellow Catholics about my letter to Cardinal Sean O'Malley, someone asked why my inability to find a date was his problem in the first place. The answer was quite simple. The future health of the Catholic faith was at stake because when men and women who actually embrace the Church's teachings can no longer find spouses then it's a sign that something is very wrong with our society.
A few days after I said this, a story aired on Boston's Fox 25 News that highlighted an increasing trend among young couples: more and more of them are living together and bypassing marriage altogether. (https://www.boston25news.com/news/first-time-more-couples-have-lived-together-than-have-been-married/J73PNOD6ZRANNIMHN45TRSRWWQ/) One couple interviewed had three kids out of wedlock and felt nothing was wrong with it. What key factor helped contribute to the decline of marriage? Religion was becoming less important in people's lives. The story then claimed three fourths of Catholics no longer believed anything was wrong with cohabitation. When behaviors that were once considered taboo are normalized, then those who accept the Church's teachings on sex and marriage become the marginalized. That's why it's imperative the Catholic Church provide a haven for those still seeking the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.
We are told good shepherds give their flock comfort. They know the problems of their congregations and try to help. Yet in all my years of being a Catholic, I have seen priests give great care and comfort to just about every kind of parishioner EXCEPT singles seeking marriage. For some reason, our concerns rank lower than Aunt Mable's difficulty trying to bake her great grandmother's recipe for pecan pie and little Suzy's first adult tooth coming in. There's always been some excuse for not helping us and now that fears of the Covid-19 virus have gripped society, the concerns of Catholic singles continue to be pushed further and further away from the minds of our shepherds.
Dismissing that shy Catholic single who asks for help may not hurt a parish in the short term but it will have lasting damaging consequences for the Church in the long term. When immoral behavior is seemingly rewarded, you will see more couples shack up. You will see more broken families. You will see more spiritually laziness. When embracing the teachings of the Church only brings misery, isolation and loneliness you will see more young people turn their backs on the faith. You will see more churches close. You will see more parishes wither away. You will see the New Evangelization fail. If this doesn't motivate our shepherds to help Catholic singles, then it's likely nothing will shake them out of their lethargy.
During my discussion of this topic, a fellow Catholic who sympathized with my argument passed along a 2014 article from Crisis Magazine written by Anthony Esolen entitled “Who Will Rescue the Lost Sheep of the Lonely Revolution?” Many parts of his column really hit home with me and I will close out this blog entry by posting those relevant excerpts here:
“Let me speak up for the young people who see the beauty of the moral law and the teachings of the Church, and who are blessed with noble aspirations, but who are given no help, none, from their listless parents, their listless churches, their crude and cynical classmates, their corrupted schools. These youths and maidens in a healthier time would be youths and maidens indeed, and when they married they would become the heart of any parish.”
“Let me speak up for the young people who do in fact follow the moral law and the teachings of the Church. Many of these are suffering intense loneliness. Have you bothered to notice? Have you considered all those young people who want to be married, who should be married, but who, because they will not play evil’s game, can find no one to marry? The girls who at age twenty-five and older have never even been asked on a date? The “men” languishing in a drawn-out adolescence? These people are among us; they are everywhere. Who gives them a passing thought? They are suffering for their faith, and no one cares. Do you care, leaders of my Church?”
“What help do you give them? Do you not rather at every step exacerbate their suffering, when by your silence and your telling deeds you confirm in them the terrible fear that they have been played for chumps, that their own leaders do not believe, that they would have been happier in this world had they gone along with the world, and that their leaders would have smiled upon them had they done so?”
“Who speaks for the penitent, trying to place his confidence in a Church that cuts his heart right out, because she seems to take his sins less seriously than he does? Venturing forth into the margins, my leaders? You have not placed one toe outside of the plush rugs of your comfort. Do so, I beg you! Come and see all those whom the Lonely Revolution has hurt. Leave your parlors and come to the sheepfold!”
Disappointed with Cardinal Sean O'Malley's response to my letter regarding the plight of Catholic singles seeking marriage, I decided to write to him again.
Dear Cardinal Sean,
I am thankful for your prompt response to my letter regarding singles who are unable to fulfill their vocation to Holy Matrimony. My pleas for help were a call to action not just for me but for the many Catholic singles who also feel abandoned by the Church.
My letter asked if anyone was giving much thought to those of us who are called to marriage but cannot find a spouse. Unfortunately, this question remains unanswered and the only piece of advice you gave me was to get involved in activities in my local parish since you felt they provided the best opportunities “for developing friendships and relationships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.” As I said before, the parishes that I've belonged to or visited have mostly elderly parishioners with some families so parish activities never offered good opportunities to meet like-minded adults seeking marriage. Some people have suggested befriending those elderly parishioners since they could have daughters or grandchildren who are also seeking marriage but after many years of trying, it just hasn’t happened. In fact, the reason I wrote to you was because our parishes have consistently failed to address the very real needs of singles seeking marriage.
Even though our struggles have gone largely unnoticed in real life, a quick search of the virtual world reveals numerous Catholic websites and blogs that have devoted considerable space to this topic. These sites are usually filled with reader comments from brokenhearted singles who feel very hurt by the Church's indifference. Perhaps you could check out some of these websites to better understand our plight?
For such a long time, I have asked for bread only to receive a stone. The priests and bishops who have heard my pleas for help thank me for my strong faith but then do nothing. Such a response risks weakening a person's faith and it has definitely weakened mine. Please don't be so quick to dismiss the concerns I have brought to your attention. My challenge to you and others in the Church is to start talking about this problem and to think about ways to bring singles together beyond the once-a-year National Catholic Singles Conference that many cannot attend due to cost and geographical distance. The healthy future of our Catholic religion is at stake.
What will happen to all those elderly-filled parishes in the next 20 years? Our priests might find themselves saying Mass in empty houses of worship. It makes me wonder if places like the Carmelite Chapel will see another 60 years. As Cardinal, your very presence attracts a large number of enthusiastic worshipers but this tends to skew the true number of parishioners who show up to Mass on a weekly basis. Many of our parishes are dying a slow death but the response from my pastors over the years has been to focus on exterior things that do very little to increase the number of weekly worshipers like needless renovations to churches that are already beautiful. Helping singles who actually want to get married and raise children in loving Catholic homes could be a great source of renewal for our suffering Church.
Not being able to fulfill your vocation is a very painful thing. Imagine if someone had told you that you couldn't be a priest. Would you simply accept this or would you feel like there was something missing in your life? Embracing Catholic values automatically puts a person at odds with what our secular society holds dear so singles like me need the Church to be there for us. I hope you will take some time to reflect upon what is written here and then take action. Your prayers are most welcome but something more needs to be done.
After mailing my letter, I viewed Cardinal Sean's blog and discovered he was in Rome attending a pro-life conference. A few days later, he traveled to Spain so it was unlikely he would read my call to action anytime soon. Once again it seems like our shepherds are too busy and too inaccessible to truly understand the needs of their lost sheep.
I also wondered if writing the Cardinal somehow placed my name and address on file with the Office of the Boston Archdiocese. Did my letter get flagged and tossed into some kind of “loony bin” where it would never see the light of day? If so, that would be very unfortunate because the Church is in serious trouble and our spiritual leaders can no longer afford to ignore the pleas of its Catholic singles.
