A Talk With The Bishop: Part 2

Bishop Mark O'Connell addressed most of my concerns sometimes going into great detail if it was a topic he was familiar with.  He started off by saying, “I feel your pain.”  (I took that comment with a grain of salt.)

Regarding the struggles of singles like me, he said there were a number of Catholic dating websites out there and perhaps I needed to take the lead on this.  When he suggested trying to form my own group, I reminded him of the failed efforts at my former parish.  Bishop O'Connell advised me not to give up so easily because only one priest had rejected my idea.  (Actually it was three pastors in a row.)  He said I might have to start visiting other parishes to find compatible Catholic singles.  One of my priests who was sitting in the pews gave me a nervous smile because he didn't want to lose me as a parishioner.  Then the bishop suggested we could get together in the near future to discuss this subject in greater detail.

Bishop O'Connell admitted some priests were just plain “nuts” but there was little that could be done since having an odd personality wasn't grounds for dismissal.  He only touched upon the topic of needless church renovations by saying he knew St. Mary's of the Annunciation had planned a few improvements like a new parking lot but for some reason they decided to redo the entire church.

On the new collaborative plan, he was aware the pastor at my former parish had spread himself too thin by not eliminating some of the Masses at all three churches.  I felt there was more to the issue than that but said nothing.  Earlier in the Q and A session, the bishop explained how there were too many churches in the Boston Archdiocese but closing many of them had caused a surprising amount of hate to be directed at Cardinal O'Malley who felt so hurt, he vowed not to close anymore churches for the time being.

A lot of thought was given to the new collaborative plan.  Was it working?  Bishop O'Connell said in order to avert a priest shortage down the road, each parish needed to supply the Archdiocese with a certain number of new priests but so far, that wasn't happening despite the emphasis on priestly vocations. 

The bishop had a lot to say about the sex abuse scandal because he was very much involved with making sure something like that never happened again.  Before 2002, there were no canon laws on how to deal with abusive priests.  He spent many years helping to change that.  Bishop O'Connell said the Church had feared scandal so much, they kept reports of abuse quiet.  However, it was like trying to hold a beach ball underwater.  The more they pushed down, the harder it became to control until everything just erupted.  He assured us the Church was in a much better position to prevent abuse and it was his hope people 100 years from now would look back on those dark times as something that was terrible but long in the past.  I silently wondered if the Church would still be around in 100 years.

Bishop O'Connell agreed with my point about aging congregations and said elderly parishioners were keeping the Church afloat since many Catholics just didn't care about their religion.  He noticed how parents would drop their kids off at CCD classes without ever going to Mass themselves.

After hearing me speak, a woman wondered what could be done to make church more appealing to young people because the enthusiasm she saw at those Steubenville Youth Conferences seemed to be short-lived.  The bishop admitted some parishes made our young people feel unwelcome  He said that back in the day CYOs often fostered fellowship.

The Q and A session wrapped up with Bishop O'Connell thanking us for a thoughtful discussion.  One of my priests praised our sincerity and candor.  The bishop gave me his card so we could continue the discussion.  As I started to leave, a handful of old people stopped to talk to me.  They appreciated my comments and some said they would pray for me.  I politely thanked them but wondered to myself why there were never any women my age at events like this.  I had certainly put myself out there.

The following week, my priest thanked me again for sharing my concerns.  The week after that, an elderly woman who had attended the Q and A session walked up to me before Mass with sad eyes and asked if I was doing alright.  Such sympathy was incredibly awkward but after church we talked some more and joked about it.  Alas, I wasn't looking for a pity party, just a helping hand.

A Talk With The Bishop: Part 1

When it was my turn to speak during the question and answer session with Bishop Mark O'Connell, I asked for the microphone and said, "I have a lot to get off my chest but I will be respectful."  I then expressed the hope that we could all be respectful to each other no matter what our concerns were.

Without having any idea how I would say everything that was on my mind, the spirit seemed to move me.  I spoke with just a couple of pauses and touched upon most of my concerns.  The bishop listened intently and only added his thoughts a few times.  There were three topics that my discussion focused on: Catholic singles, the priest sex abuse scandal, and the hierarchy.

I started off by talking about my first parish, St. John's in Beverly and how that church's interior was needlessly renovated.  Spending money in frivolous ways was a pattern seen in a lot of parishes and I mentioned St. Mary of the Annunciation in the nearby town of Danvers.  That church spent a couple of million on so-called improvements that will do very little to bring young people to Mass.

I told everyone to take a look around the room and see how few young adults were here.  Then I wondered what would happen to this church in another couple of decades adding, "Am I going to be the only one sitting in these pews?" 

As a single person with a calling to be married, I said the Church did nothing for people like me.  The focus was on priestly vocations and not much else.  I mentioned how my priests ignored me after speaking to them about my desire to form a young adult group.  Then with a little bit of rage in my voice, I added, "And now I'm not even a young adult anymore.  I'm going to be 44 years old on Monday and I have never had a girlfriend.  Weekend after weekend goes by and I find myself alone."  Touching upon my college years at a very liberal school, I said defending Catholic values has only made me an outcast.

I told the bishop that the hierarchy came across as being out of touch.  When the Archdiocese of Boston first learned of sexually abusive priests, they should have put a stop to it immediately.  Instead the cover up and scandal drove many parishioners away.  When abuse victims protested outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Cardinal Sean O'Malley should have spoken with them face to face instead of turning his back.  For all the talk of transparency and zero tolerance, we are still seeing people resign in disgust from the Church's own abuse commissions.

I said the Archdiocese's new collaborative plan wasn't really working.  At my former parish, collections went down because our new pastor was more administrator than shepherd.  The earlier wave of church closures had also driven many Catholics away in anger.  Those buildings may have needed to be closed but the cardinal could have met with parishioners one on one instead of being cold and arrogant.  Whenever the Church failed to act in a Christ-like manner, it ultimately hurt the faith.

I asked how the people in the pews were supposed to evangelize an increasingly skeptical public when the Archdiocese's own arrogance undermined us.  Even most of the nuns from my high school could have been friendlier but they chose to be mean instead and that makes people like me run in the other direction.  My talk concluded with one short statement that carried a lot of weight: "I have never felt so lost."

Since my primary concern was getting out all my frustrations, I think I only looked at the bishop once or twice.  Everything seemed to flow really well with one topic merging into another.  Now I waited to hear Bishop Mark O'Connell's response.

The Meek Shall Inherit God Knows What

Last month, my parish hosted a question and answer session with our regional bishop.  The event targeted confused and lapsed Catholics but anyone was welcome to be a part of this “non-judgmental” conversation.  With so many concerns about the current state of the Church and the plight of older Catholic singles, how could I not attend?

The previous regional bishop had visited our church a couple of times but when I spoke to him after Mass, he didn't take my concerns too seriously.  Having someone from the hierarchy actually seek out a dialogue with those of us in the pews was a refreshing change of pace.

When I arrived for the Q and A session, the 5:30 PM Mass with Bishop Mark O'Connell was running late.  The church was unusually packed because many people had come from other parishes just to see the bishop.  After Mass, he exchanged greetings with the departing crowd and at least one person posed for a photograph with him.  I wondered if the bishop's celebrity status gave him an inaccurate impression of our congregation's numbers and its struggles.

After the church emptied out, a few dozen parishioners remained for the Q and A session.  Except for a boy who had come with his parents, I was the youngest person in the room.  Very discouraging!  Bishop O'Connell told us a little about himself and said a microphone was available if anyone had a lot to say.  An older gentleman started things off by asking what a vicar was.  Another parishioner wondered why some people held hands during the Our Father while others lifted their hands up in the air.  With all the problems plaguing the Church, this is what was people cared about?

As the discussion continued, someone wondered if the Archdiocese's new collaborative plan was spreading priests too thin.  A woman asked why the annulment process was painfully complicated.  These questions were alright but I found myself wondering why many Catholics tend to shun critical thinking.  The Archdiocese of Boston has done some pretty unchristian things over the years and those actions have seriously damaged an already weakened religion.  If we are supposed to call out evil in all its forms, why do so many devout Catholics turn a blind eye when hypocrisy, arrogance, corruption and lies come from the hierarchy itself?

Most of my fellow parishioners just go with the flow for fear of being disobedient but how fruitful can a church be if it's filled with timid people?  In a sermon from a few years ago, one of my priests asked his congregation why a large percentage of Catholics didn't stand up for their religion once they stepped outside the church doors.  Well, if you promote a culture of subservience, this is exactly the kind of harvest you'll reap.  Standing up to injustice requires courage and passion.  Blind obedience doesn't.

Look at how some priests talk of suffering.  They say it's a gift from God.  They tell us not to complain or be sad because we should accept it gracefully.  Really?  If nobody got angry about a hardship then there wouldn't be much motivation to do something about it.  It seems like the Church wants us to be passionate about our faith but not too passionate lest we call out the hierarchy when they do something wrong.

Even many of the Catholic blogs and websites I've read refuse to look inward for fear of being disobedient.  The disclaimer at St. Blog (an online clearing house for Catholic blogs) asks members to “recognize and respect the Magisterium of the Church and be obedient to the Pope and authorities under him.  After all, without those, you aren't really Catholic are you?”  Actually, there are times when not asking the uncomfortable questions makes you less of a Christian.  Sometimes Jesus was as gentle as a dove and turned the other cheek.  Sometimes He rebuked the Pharisees, toppled tables, and kicked the moneychangers out of the temple.

When I see pews filled only with meek old people, I question whether the hierarchy’s approach over the past few generations has served the Church well in the long term.  Ask yourself what will become of these parishes in a couple of decades?

The Q and A session with Bishop Mark O'Connell was half over so I could no longer be silent.  After raising my hand, I asked one of the priests for a microphone adding, “I have a lot to get off my chest...”

The Mathematics Of "What If"

The older I get, the more my mind plays a numbers game.  I'm not sure when it started exactly but as I dwell on an uncertain future, all kinds of calculations begin swirling around in my head.

I turned 44 recently.  What if by some small miracle I started dating a good Catholic woman tomorrow?  How long would our courtship last before I knew she was the one?  Younger couples have the luxury of time.  They can spend several years romancing each other before they decide to get married.  For older singles like me, it feels like we're under the gun especially if we want to have kids and raise a family.

What if we dated for a few years but then realized we weren't meant to be together?  That would mean more time wasted.  I've known some friends for a few decades but just when I think I have them figured out, sometimes they will do things that are really inconsiderate.  If these relationships cause me so much grief, how am I supposed to truly know a spouse that I've dated for a relatively short period of time?

I wonder if the Sacrament of Marriage so late in life is more like a work in progress where you blindly hope for the best.  What if something really annoying about a spouse comes to the surface after the fact?  When my parents got married in 1969, my mother had been thought of as an old maid because she was in her mid-thirties.  At the time, my dad was 40.  Here I am at 44 and still single with no eligible Catholic women in sight.  I'm not supposed to be anxious about the future?

While my parents had a good marriage, their personalities often clashed and I saw my fair share of arguments.  Did they truly know each other or did the value they placed on the Sacrament of Marriage help keep them together?  I'd like to marry someone who was a great friend.  Staying married because it's your duty seems like a weak foundation.  Plenty of couples just go through the motions and put up with each other.  That's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for.

What if I got married tomorrow?  How old would I be when my kids turned twenty?  64.  Will I have the energy to deal with twenty-year-olds at that age?  From what I've observed, children put a huge strain on a marriage.  One of my married friends deeply desires more romance but his wife is so tired as a stay-at-home mom, she has little interest.  My cousin once joked, “When you think you've had all the sex, sleep and peace and quiet you can handle, that's when you should have kids because it all goes away after that.”  How encouraging!  For younger couples, there's time to experience years of intimacy before the demands of having children take center stage.  Should older couples who get married and have kids right away kiss romance goodbye after only a few months?

The calculations swirling around in my mind aren't just limited to the future.  Sometimes, I'm haunted by the lost potential of years gone by.  What if instead of college and then years of struggling to find my way in the world, I had gotten a job as a bus driver with the local transit authority?  As unglamourous as that sounds, I'd already be retired with a full pension and health benefits.  In the 1990s, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority offered generous salaries with plenty of overtime and only required 23 years of service before retirement.  This would certainly make me more attractive to members of the opposite sex who often demand “successful” men as potential suitors.

What if the Church had actually done more for young adults seeking marriage when I was in my 20s or early 30s?  How different would my life be today?  What if I had found a good Catholic woman to marry during my college years?  Our kids would be in their twenties right now.  What if I had gotten married even ten years ago?  I certainly wouldn't be this worried about “God's plan” but being so far removed from your calling can cause a great deal of anxiety

Fear and doubt like to creep in during the wee hours of the night and it's been many years since I've had a full 8 hours of sleep.  Wondering why my bed is so empty has me tossing and turning...and longing.  What if I had a spouse to hold right next to me?  I think it's safe to say all those wasted years wondering “what if” would be replaced by something much more fulfilling.