The Bittersweet Autumn

 Living in New England makes you keenly aware of how the different seasons play upon your mood.  To some, winter is a time for skiing and cozy nights by the fire but for others it brings a bone-chilling cold and the misery of shoveling dirty snow.  Summer can mean lazy days at the beach and delicious lobster rolls but also oppressive humidity, sunburns and sheltering in air conditioned rooms.  Many New Englanders have a love / hate relationship with the seasons and they aren't shy when it comes to complaining about it.  Winter lasts far too long, spring is filled with rain and by the time summer arrives, there's only a few months to enjoy it.

Hot apple cider.  Yum.

Autumn is one of my favorite times of the year but it too is short-lived especially if you consider Halloween its own season.  In addition to the brightly colored foliage on trees, I love the wonderful palate found in fall fashions.  It's cold enough to keep the biting and stinging insects of summer away yet warm enough to wear that lightweight jacket with a nice sweater.  A few mild days usually pop up which allows for a stylish layered look without all the bulky winter clothes.  There are delicious seasonal foods like warm apple cider donuts and pumpkin pie as well as Thanksgiving dinner.  A walk in the forest might reveal the distinctive smell of a wood-burning stove.  Then there are the spicy scents of candles and potpourri.

Despite all the wonderful things the season has to offer, there is a downside.  The days get much shorter bringing long shadows and harsh sunlight by late afternoon.  Early darkness means you simply can't do as much outside.  Fall reminds us winter is just around the corner with ice-cold breezes and a frost that kills summer flowers.  (Sometimes it even snows in October!)  The season can bring its fair share of regret when you realize the year is almost over.

Russell Orchards seen during an autumn afternoon.

Of course, for this lost sheep, none of what autumn has to offer can be experienced without the taint of loneliness.  One rite of the season is a trip to Russell Orchards in the town of Ipswich, MA.  From a quaint barn complete with fireplace, they sell all kinds of wonderful pies, ciders, and wines in addition to their signature apple cider donuts.  The place embodies autumn in New England but it also fills me with a yearning.  How I long to sip hot apple cider by the toasty fire with a girlfriend but thoughts of all those lost years spent without a significant other inevitably sink in.  I have been going to Russell Orchards for a long time...even when it was called Goodale Orchards.

An empty rail trail with low shadows.

An autumn bicycle ride on the local rail trail can be nice but it also brings feelings of extreme isolation when I traverse the lightly traveled stretches.  With no other souls around, the quiet makes you feel like the last person left on earth.  If I had a girlfriend, a ride on the trail wouldn't be so lonely.

This Thanksgiving, I celebrated the holiday with only my mother.  We had a peaceful dinner and the food was tasty but I couldn't stop thinking about how alone she would be if I had not been there.  Since my dad passed away, Thanksgivings have a tinge of sadness to them and that empty seat at the dinning room table is a constant reminder of our loss.  If I had a wife and kids, the holiday would be much more festive instead of feeling like two people desperately trying to make the best of a bad situation.

During the season, I sometimes think of the song Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward.  Lyrics like “The winter winds will be much colder now you're not here” highlight how miserable fall can be without that special someone to share it with.  A few people in the Church like to say singleness is a gift.  They claim our lives can be just as happy and fulfilled as married people.  I beg to differ.  When you feel deep down that you were meant to share your life with another and bring new life into the world then singleness can feel like a curse.  I've had my fair share of lonely autumns and I'm pretty tired of it.

Easy For Them To Say

This fall, I attended a church function that attracted several priests as well as the new vicar for the north region of Massachusetts.  Most of the guests had not arrived yet but a priest I never met before started chatting with me.  His name was Fr. John MacInnis, pastor of Saint John the Baptist Church in Peabody, MA.  He told me a little about his parish then I decided to ask if his church had many young people.  (How could I have this blog and not ask that!)  He said there weren't many but his parish was starting to reach out to some of the young families who came to Mass.  I asked, “What about the young adults like me who are still single?”  Fr. John didn't have much of an answer for me.  I mentioned how the last couple of parishes that I belonged to didn't have anything for single young adults either adding, “I'm not even a young adult anymore.  I'm 43.”  He said 40 was still young and then assured me there was still time to have a family.  I didn't share that optimistic outlook and his comment reminded me of a conversation with another priest that took place a few years ago.

St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly, MA entered into the Boston Archdiocese's collaborative plan in June of 2013 and our new pastor at the time, Fr. Mark Mahoney held a “town meeting” with parishioners a few months later.  I approached him after the gathering to discuss my concerns about the plight of young adult singles.  I mentioned my calling to be married and never having the desire to be a priest.  I asked why no one at Mass ever openly prayed for single Catholics and then let him know that at 40 years of age, I felt the time to have a family was quickly slipping away.

Fr. Mark started off by saying he felt the sacrament of marriage was just as important as the priesthood because the bride and groom sacrificed for each other in a way that was very Christ-like.  He explained the Archdiocese instructed parishes to pray for priestly vocations at Mass.  Then he tried to reassure me by saying people were getting married much later these days so being single in your 40s isn't out of the ordinary now.  Fr. Mark suggested St. Mary's could initiate a day of service for the young adults of the parish but as the months passed, nothing ever came of it.

What struck me about both conversations was the lack of urgency.  I was basically told not to worry because 40 is the new 20.  It was painfully obvious these priests could understand what single Catholics had to endure on an intellectual level but they didn't seem to fully appreciate the real weight of our struggles.  40 is 40.

Had I fallen in love, married and raised a family even ten years ago, think of all the memories and experiences I'd have.  Instead there's a decade filled with loneliness, isolation and anxiety.  My dad passed away in 2012 and never lived to see any grandchildren from me and that hurts.  With ten years behind me, I am no closer to being married and now I wonder if my mother will be around to see my grandchildren.  Having a family later in life means higher health risks and lower energy levels.  Do priests think about these things when they so easily dispense such glib advice?

If you check out some of the various Catholic dating websites and chat rooms, you'll see a lot of desperation out there.  So many singles feel the clock is running out on their dreams of falling in love, getting married and having kids...and for many women, it's a biological clock.  Some may ask why the Church should be responsible for getting us a date.  Well, in many ways it's because of the Church that we don't have dates.

People like me are causalities of the culture war but many priests don't even want to admit we exist let alone help us.  Society has become more liberal and secular over the last few decades and when you embrace Catholic values, it seriously limits the dating pool.  If the goal of New Evangelization is to renew our congregations and place more butts in the pews, then priests should make helping Catholic singles a top priority instead of brushing our heartfelt concerns aside.

Who Are They Saving?

Preachers and tourists argue in Salem, MA.

As kids, we celebrated Halloween with such sweet innocence.  A lot of thought was put into choosing a costume and our parents went above and beyond helping us create something wonderful to wear.  Trick-or-treating was magical and we traveled down as many streets as we could in the pursuit of free candy.  Neighborhoods were alive with activity and it lasted pretty late into the night.  Upon our return home, we were filled with joy as we looked over our haul of treats.

When I got too old for trick-or-treating, handing out candy was nice because I knew how much fun these kids were having.  Then at some point, the number of trick-or-treaters dwindled significantly until our street saw no visitors at all.  After a couple of years of waiting for nonexistent trick-or-treaters, I decided to check out the Halloween festivities in the city of Salem, MA.

Nicknamed “the witch city” for its connection to the infamous witch trials of the 1690s, the community has capitalized on its spooky notoriety with Halloween-themed festivities throughout October culminating in a large gathering of costumed revelers on the holiday itself.  Dressing in costume and seeing so many others joining in recaptured some of that innocent childhood magic from long ago and I have attended Halloween in Salem ever since.  Sometimes a friend tags along but even if I go by myself, it's a lot of fun.  You basically spend the night walking around a few streets in the downtown to people-watch.
  

I fail to see what is so sinful about this intricate Hawkgirl costume.  Source: Flickr

The only thing that mars this wonderful time is a very confrontational group of evangelical preachers.  They proclaim the Word of God by shouting into a bullhorn and holding strongly-worded signs.  They talk about how we are going to burn in hell if we don't repent and follow Christ.  Instead of gaining converts, however, their approach completely backfires.

Their scornful proselytizing takes a lot of people by surprise and soon a crowd gathers not to listen but to argue.  Some even mock these evangelicals with satirical costumes and placards.  Atheists come forward to challenge their beliefs while others including a few Christians simply express disapproval of the preachers' fire and brimstone tactics.  Videos on Youtube show how negatively people react including a little girl who tells them to shut up.

Some people come prepared to confront the preachers with satire.  Source: Flickr

Of course, this does not phase any of the evangelicals and they continue to yell into their bullhorns.  I'm sure swirling in the back of their minds are verses like, “Blessed are you when people hate you and when they exclude you and revile you and spurn your name as evil, on account of the Son of Man.”  However, the passage they should pay attention to is “be as harmless as doves.”

The preachers are doing much harm in the name of Christianity but in their arrogance, they just can't see it.  In their stubbornness, they refuse to stop.  If strangers walk by who know very little about Jesus, what are they more likely to respond to...kindness and compassion or yelling and condemnation?  (If you don't know the answer to that question, then I feel sorry for you.)  What if someone visiting Salem that night was open to learning more about Christianity but got turned off by all the harsh rhetoric?  If the goal of these evangelicals is to reach people, then they don't seem to care about the end results.

There comes a time to call out evil and stand firm against sin.  Halloween in Salem is not one of those times.  Most people who visit the city in October just want to have a little fun and escape the drudgery of daily life by channeling their God-given creativity into marvelous costumes.  There's NOTHING evil about that.  Yet these preachers are far too quick to condemn us without even getting to know who we are.  I go to church every week and pray regularly but I'm sure they would lump me into the same handbasket of damned souls.  By doing so, they are thoughtlessly judging others and that's not very Christ-like. 

Apparently, these preachers travel to college campuses and have even staked out the White House.  Sadly, they devolve the act of spreading the Gospel into a circus sideshow.  They stoke confrontation and cause ordinary people to lash out against them.  I doubt that little girl on Youtube would react this way if they were espousing Christian love. 

These preachers give Christianity a bad name.  They need to humble themselves and realize what they are doing does very little to propagate the faith.  Just stop it.

Render Unto God...

 After months of enduring negative political ads and mean-spirited Facebook posts, election day has finally arrived.  As pundits struggle to sensationalize every little percentage point on the news, I sit in a quiet darkened bedroom and collect my thoughts.

Some people are so political, they feel the need to express unsolicited opinions on a daily basis whether we want to hear it or not.  For the better part of a year, my Facebook page has been cluttered with vicious one-sided political arguments.  Some posts might have a ring of truth to them while others suffer from huge gaps in logic.  “This candidate is a bigot.”  “That candidate is corrupt.”  “The country will be ruined if X or Y is elected.”  Such a constant stream of negativity seems commonplace as people move into their own little political camps where a difference of opinion is not tolerated.

We all have our own viewpoints but I rarely post anything political to my personal Facebook page.  Honestly, what good does it do?  If a person comes out swinging and has a lack of respect for the other side are they likely to change someone's mind?  I may not agree with everything my friends and acquaintances believe in but I know them well enough to understand why they hold the beliefs they do.  Many of them can't seem to muster up that same level of understanding, though.

There are those rare times when I do take issue with what other people have posted.  Maybe I felt their post was too offensive or perhaps the analogy they used didn't seem accurate.  What usually happens is the person's friends swoop in like vultures to pounce.  On one occasion, someone's response to my argument was simply, “Fuck you.”  No debate.  No discussion.  Just hit below the belt and leave.  What really bothered me was the fact that my friend made no effort to rein in this rude behavior.

After sparring with more vultures on another post, I asked them, “Do you have any friends with different political beliefs?”  The roundabout response they gave was basically, “No.”  That's a problem.  More than a few people on Facebook have said, “If you support Candidate X then I have to unfriend you.”

It's becoming a knee-jerk nation where whole segments of the population never have to deal with anyone from the other side.  George Orwell once wrote, “The best books...are those that tell you what you know already.”  Today people use the internet to merely confirm what they already believe.  Think Candidate Y is like Hitler?  There are websites that will back up that claim.  Think Candidate Y isn't anything like Hitler?  We can find websites to defend that angle as well.

What gets lost is critical thinking.  Whenever someone hurls the word “divisive” around, I often wonder if they bother to look in the mirror.  By some strange coincidence, the people who are the most misinformed about an issue usually turn out to be the ones who disagree with you.  No need to examine your own viewpoints, however.

We have certainly rendered an obscene amount of time, money, and energy to Caesar lately but what are we rendering to God?  When the election results are in, will there be nothing but gloating and sour grapes?  You can still be a good Christian no matter who is president and part of that is treating each other with mutual respect.  The early Christians managed to persevere under the harsh realities of the Roman Empire.  What's our excuse?