During the Covid-19 lock downs of 2020, having in-person get-togethers became difficult to impossible but this was completely understandable given some of the situations people faced. One friend couldn't leave his mother's apartment at all because it was located in an old age complex and he was living with her illegally. Another friend cut back on all social interactions because her long-time boyfriend had immunity issues.
You'd think with the prevalence of social media and smart phones, maintaining friendships would be fairly easy but some of the people in my life have simply disappeared without a trace. Others chime in only sporadically and it has me questioning how strong our bonds were in the first place.
The Wheat: often use social media to keep in touch with others which keeps those strong connections intact.
The Chaff: often use social media to post trivial or inflammatory content but they can't be bothered sending the simplest of personal messages.
One of my friends is an extremely busy freelancer but she still finds time to send the occasional e-mail or Facebook post every now and then and she always responds to any message I send even if it takes her several days to get back to me.
Unfortunately, far too many of my other friends think sending no response to the messages they receive is perfectly acceptable. Before the pandemic, one particular acquaintance would sometimes invite me to hang out with him at a few of the bars in his neighborhood. During these cordial visits we talked about our hopes, fears and defeats without judgment and we both enjoyed each other's company. A few months into the Covid lock downs, I decided to send him a quick message on Facebook just to let him know he was in my thoughts and that I hoped he was okay. There was nothing but silence. This really bothered me so after a while I sent along a few cricket emojis. Still no response even though the small chat icon indicated that he read my messages. It makes me wonder how hard sending a thumbs up emoji, a “Thanks”, or a “Too busy to talk now” response really is? Two years later, he randomly sent me a video on old trains in Europe. Sad to say, I've had better conversations with internet trolls than I've had with some of my friends.
The Wheat: also pick up the phone and call every now and then. One good friend who lives on the other side of the country talks to me almost every week during his ride home from work. Our conversations can be very deep at times but they're usually filled with a lot of humor.
The Chaff: are difficult to get a hold of. I'll usually get their voice mail and after I leave a message, they never seem to get back to me. There's also a good chance that automated female voice will say, “The mailbox is full...goodbye.”
The Wheat: make what you have to say a priority. Our conversations are warm and friendly and I often feel energized when we get off the phone.
The Chaff: are always distracted. Sometimes they're watching a movie or TV show and won't pause it. Worse still is when another person is in the background and they're trying to have two conversions at the same time. If I'm lucky enough to call them when they aren't busy, their smart phone's connection might be terrible or the signal drops...several times. I usually get a busy signal when I call them back because they haven't realized we've been disconnected. Or, the phone they are using has a low battery and they have to cut the conversation short.
As we entered 2021 and some restrictions were loosened, getting together with people no longer seemed like an impossibility and I was hoping to meet up with some of my friends and acquaintances in the real word.
The Wheat: make every effort to plan in-person get-togethers even if it takes a while to pin down a date. My freelancer friend was so busy with projects and deadlines, she just couldn't find the time to hang out with me one-on-one. However, she kept me apprised of some of the interesting art exhibits in her neighborhood and we agreed to see each other there even if it was only for a quick visit.
The Chaff: ignore invitations to hang out even if I add an extra incentive like offering to treat them to dinner. They seldom initiate meet ups and after a while, the one-sided nature of the relationship is revealed because I seem to be doing all the work to maintain the friendship.
Interestingly enough, very few of my friends have access to an automobile so when we try to get together, transportation becomes an issue.
The Wheat: appreciate the fact that I've driven many miles just to see them. When my freelancer friend finally suggested getting together one-on-one for the first time in two years, she told me that some of her friends had asked if they could tag along to the art gallery we planned to visit. She shot that idea down because she didn't want me to feel like the odd man out. I thought it was very considerate of her and we went on to have a wonderful time just catching up without any interruptions or the need to explain our personal jokes to people I didn't know.
The Chaff: use me for my transportation. After planning to go out to breakfast with one friend, he conveniently asked if I could also drive him to work so he wouldn't have to take the bus. In December of 2021, he insisted we meet up a few towns over so he could give me a Christmas present. I was so tired from work I asked if we could postpone it. He wouldn't take no for an answer so I gave in, drove out to see him and then wound up taking him back to his house despite my lack of sleep. Turns out, he had been delivering presents to his friends that day and simply wanted to get it over with. In the past, this same friend has also invited his friends to hang out with us even though he knows I don't get along with them.
The Wheat: respect your boundaries.
The Chaff: cross them.
People often complain that the pandemic has significantly increased their feelings of loneliness and anxiety. It's gotten so bad, some moms have organized group screaming sessions to alleviate their tensions. These uncertain times have certainly made me reevaluate my relationships with others and right now I'd say there are only two people in my life who are really good friends. While others drag me down and drain me of my energy, they make me feel free in a climate of mutual respect. If all we have in this world is each other then I wonder why so many friends and acquaintances just aren't there anymore.
