Wounds Never Healed

Disgraced former head of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Law passed away this December.  When reports of sexually abusive priests came to his attention, he reassigned them to other parishes and kept the allegations quiet.  This allowed those abusive priests to molest again.  When the cover up was finally exposed in 2002, it seriously hurt the Church's moral credibility and sent the Cardinal fleeing to Rome.

Some victims and their families have reacted strongly to news of Bernard Law's death by saying they hope he has gone to hell for allowing such a thing to happen over and over again.  The current leader of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Sean O'Malley, was careful with his words during a press conference stating that ultimately it's the goal of Christianity to see that everyone gets into heaven.

During a recent interview with the Salem News, abused former altar boy Bernie McDaid described a private meeting he and his mother had with Cardinal Law in 2002.  “I'm not sticking up for Bernie Law but he did apologize.”  McDaid added, “He was absolutely wrong and he knew it.  But he represents hundreds of cardinals who were moving priests around.  To make Bernie Law the scapegoat kind of shortens the issue to Boston.  This is all over the world.”

McDaid also recalled a meeting he helped organize between victims and Cardinal Law.  A young woman whose brother was abused by a priest and later took his own life stood up and said to the Cardinal, “I want you to know that you killed my brother.”  When Cardinal Law looked down at the floor, she screamed at him,  “Look me in the eye.  You're a murderer.”

Keeping the allegations of abuse quiet also made the victims think they were alone.  Imagine the weight of such a violation on your soul.  Now imagine having to bear that weight all by yourself.  I think if there is any sense of justice, Cardinal Law would experience all the heartache, indignity and trauma of the lives that were ruined by the cover up.  The sad part was, it didn't have to be this way.

Our priests lecture us all the time about standing up for what is right even if it costs us dearly.  They cite how much the martyrs gave up and ask if we would do the same.  Why is it the Church didn't follow its own advice?  When Cardinal Law first received complaints about abusive priests, he should have been on the phone to the police.  (The Church today would be in much better shape spiritually and financially if he had!)  Reassigning those priests to other parishes was like hoping a ticking time bomb wouldn't go off.  What was it about Bernard Law's character that allowed the abuse to continue as far as it did?

I only met Cardinal Law once during an anniversary celebration of the Boston Archdiocese held at my former high school.  He was getting out of the backseat of a car and chatted with a few people near the entrance to the auditorium.  Frankly, there was something about him I never liked.  Whether it was television interviews or recorded messages played to our parish (usually about money), he struck me as a milquetoast who just wasn't passionate about defending the Catholic faith.  I certainly don't remember him being too critical of Boston area Catholic politicians who actively promoted agendas that ran counter to the Church's teachings.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/cardinal-s-confession-sex-abuse-victim-reflects-on-meeting-law/article_08aea181-5a02-5118-8ae5-91b589803fac.html

Some Catholics say we should stop talking about the scandal because being negative weakens the Church and accomplishes very little.  What continues to hurt the Church is not doing right by the victims.  When members of S.N.A.P. protested outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, one parishioner wondered what more do the victims want.  That's an easy thing to say if you've never suffered the horror of a shattered childhood.

What also continues to hurt the Church is it's lack of genuine honesty.  In a prepared statement, Cardinal O'Malley said: “I recognize that Cardinal Law’s passing brings forth a wide range of emotions on the part of many people. I am particularly cognizant of all who experienced the trauma of sexual abuse by clergy, whose lives were so seriously impacted by those crimes, and their families and loved ones.”  Now if you were having a heart to heart conversation with someone, would you actually use the word cognizant?  Instead of a well-plotted form letter that sounds like it was crafted by a lawyer or politician, how about the honesty of plain talk?

Cardinal Sean O'Malley mentions the good work Bernard Law did in the South but this is taking a “Mousilini made the trains run on time” approach.  No matter what good Cardinal Law did in the past, his role during the abuse scandal has been cemented in history and you cannot remove the man from such grievous misdeeds. 

During a deposition Cardinal Law was forced to give, some of the victims described him as angry rather than contrite.  Bernie McDaid recalled in the Salem News how during his second visit to the Vatican in 2010 Cardinal Law hung up on him.  “I'm pretty sure it was him.  He spoke in English and quickly switched over to Italian.”  Whether you believe Cardinal Law was truly sorry for what had happened or just sorry his cover up was exposed, he became the poster child for how badly the priest abuse scandal was handled.  It's been said the Catholic Church is in a much better position to prevent such abuse from happening again but it never should have gone on as long as it did in the first place.

Where Is Christmas?

As a kid, Christmas was such a magical time.  My married friends tell me some of that magic gets rekindled each year as they watch their own children open presents on Christmas morning.  Being single during the holidays usually brings feelings of isolation that I just can't shake.

When I first attended St. Mary's in Beverly with my mother and brother, Christmas Masses seemed special because the church was still very new to us but as the years passed, I started to feel out of place.  Seeing the pews filled with so many old people and families certainly didn't help.  When my brother moved away, it was just my mother and me.  Sometimes it was just me.

At one point, our pastor decided to reintroduce midnight Mass after a long absence from the schedule.  I wanted to see if it would attract a younger crowd but since my mother didn't want to stay up late, I had to go by myself.  Sitting alone in a pew didn't exactly fill me with the Christmas spirit.  That first midnight Mass was well-attended and over the years, its popularity only increased.  Soon I found myself surrounded by old people and families again.

The music during Christmas Mass featured a choir of senior citizens, organ and trumpet but someone got the bright idea to add a kettle drum into the mix.  When it first thundered, we all flinched out of fear.  Every year since, it's taken unsuspecting once-a-year Catholics by surprise.  Our pastor said this music was so beautiful, it was probably what heaven sounded like.  I found it to be more annoying than heaven-like.  Having senior citizens belt out the line “Glory to God” over and over again just wasn't my cup of tea but at St. Mary's, people tended to see things one way.  

Our pastor decided to replace the church’s perfectly adequate nativity scene with a much more expensive, hand-crafted one from Italy.  A lot of money was raised to acquire these figurines but they did nothing to increase my faith.  While looking them over, I wondered why on one of the holiest days of the year, my faith felt so weak.

Despite all the decorations, music and well-meaning sermons, I wasn't getting much out of Christmas Mass anymore but it was far better for some at my church to ignore people like me because our very existence invalidated their rosy view of the parish's sense of community.  No room at the inn for lost sheep.

I still go to church hoping the Holy Spirit will set my soul on fire somehow but for the past few years, Christmas seems like just another day.  Before the start of this year's Christmas Mass at my current parish, I spotted a man in the hallway holding a shepherd’s crook.  Apparently, our priests asked two people to dress up as Mary and Joseph with the woman holding a real baby.  During Mass, the little one started to cry so Mary and Joseph had to slink back into the hallway.  I give these priests an A for effort but such a display did little to inspire me.

At least it wasn't as tacky as a zip line Jesus.  A former pastor once told the congregation how one church had set up a wire that went from the choir loft all the way down to the crèche that was placed just in front of the altar.  During Christmas Mass, they would send the baby Jesus speeding down the wire to his manger.  Gimmicks like this seem more like comedy relief than spiritual inspiration.

When I look at the Christmas tree in the house, I think of how much coming down those stairs with my brother to open presents meant to me.  This year, my brother called at 1 PM on Christmas Day to invite us to his house for a Christmas meal.  My mother and I were nothing more than an afterthought to him and I suspect the phone call was just a courtesy.  Given the long and messy drive up to his place, there was no way we could have made it.

My mother and I settled down for a quite dinner by ourselves but I was plagued by a tinge of sadness.  Something wonderful has been lost and I find myself asking more than ever, “Where is Christmas?”

More Precious Than Rubies

I can count on one hand the number of times a girl my own age has sat next to me in church and still have two fingers to spare.  When such a rare occurrence does happen, nothing ever comes of it.

My church's All Saints' Day Mass was very crowded this year and when my mother and I arrived, our usual pew was already full.  Sitting in the next pew was a pretty girl who I've never seen before.  We motioned to sit next to her but instead of moving into the isle, she let us climb into the pew.  Usually, that's a pet peeve of mine but in this case, it allowed me to sit right next to her.  I've been starving for the company of a female my own age for so long, simply being in close proximity to one gave me a comforting feeling.  I started to imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend or wife.  (People who are called to the priesthood probably don't have these thoughts.)

During Mass, she wasn't saying any of the prayers aloud aside from the Our Father.  Red flag number one.  As a life-long Catholic, I've memorized almost everything anyone says during Mass to the point where reading a missalette isn't necessary.  Was she not very religious and just visiting our church for spiritual inspiration?  I've noticed how some people who shun God suddenly go looking for Him during a time of need.

There was absolutely no body language coming from her to indicate any interest whatsoever.  Red flag number two.  Maybe she already had a boyfriend or husband.  As a long-time Massachusetts resident, I think reading women in this part of the country is difficult to say the least.  Most seem aloof while others appear to be creeped out by members of the opposite sex who aren't their brothers or dads.  Trying to start a conversation with a random woman is like pulling teeth.  Let's say you bring up a subject that might interest her.  Perhaps you see she's holding a camera so you ask about her photography hobby.  The responses women have given me tend to be curt which makes any further small-talk impossible.  I'm sure some of these same women spend time wondering where all the “good men” are.  During my many years of commuting into Boston, only once did a girl walking by ever say hi to me.  More often than not, they tend to look down or look away.  Most of my friends believe New England women are rather snobbish and I think this standoffish posture is the reason why.

As the Mass progressed, it was soon time for the sign of peace.  Hmmm.  How would that go?  She turned and gave me a quick wave and that was it.  Red flag number three.  Ever since the Church allowed people to opt out of physical contact in order to avoid spreading germs, the sign of peace seems too informal nowadays.  Some parishioners don't even bother to say, "Peace be with you."

Soon, it was time to receive the Holy Eucharist and upon returning to our pew, I noticed the girl was no longer there.  After communion, she made a beeline for the door.  Red flag number four.  The former pastor of our church thought this was a very annoying habit so he would tell people in the bulletins and at the altar that Mass was not over until the final blessing.  He wondered what was so important that people stood at the door or left altogether instead of returning to their pews.  It was like walking out on a friend's birthday party right after the candles were blown out.  If we couldn't give God an extra ten minutes during Mass, what did it say about His place in our lives?

As the weeks passed, I never did see that girl in church again but I expected as much.  I've read many Catholic blogs written by single women, so I don't think this problem is exclusive to one gender.  There probably are churches out there where lonely females have similar experiences trying to attract the attention of good Catholic men.  The problem is, Catholic singles of both sexes are so scattered to the four winds, we can't seem to find each other.

One thing is for sure.  The Bible wasn't kidding when it said, “A wife of noble character who can find?  She is far more precious than rubies.”

The Lost Are Still Lost

It's been a little over three months since my parish hosted a question and answer session with Regional Bishop Mark O'Connell.  I had put myself out there by discussing the struggles single Catholics face and telling everyone how lost I felt.  Sadly, nothing has changed.

The simplest action our clergy could take is to acknowledge our existence.  During the Q and A session, the bishop and some of my parish priests heard me ask why no one ever publicly prayed for people like me at Mass yet singles seeking marriage continue to be left off the lengthy list of intentions.  It makes me wonder what my priests see when they spot me sitting in the pews with my mother each week.  Can't they tell how lonely I am?

My parish does have some joyful and sincere men of the cloth but lately a typical sermon tends to boil down to this:  “Every one of us has hardships in life.  Sometimes we are sad and feel like failures but we should rejoice because Jesus loves us.”  You know what?  I need more than that.

Despite Bishop O'Connell describing my conversation as humbling, he hasn't openly addressed the plight of Catholic singles either.  His parish's weekly bulletin highlights many “nuts and bolts” topics regarding the operation of his parish.  That's to be expected but he has also touched upon some pretty trivial matters like why parishioners at St. Theresa's kneel at certain times during Mass or what the symbols on a bishop's ring stand for.  You'd think in between all of this, he could mention some of the issues we discussed.

To my surprise, Bishop O'Connell was featured in the October 10th edition of The Salem News.  The newspaper article began with a short biography but then it focused on increasing vocations to the priesthood.  The reporter asked, “So what is the archdiocese doing to persuade single Catholic men that they too can find joy in service as priests?”  I found this question to be hurtful because it failed to recognize the fact that there are single Catholics with a very different calling in life...one that DOES NOT include a vocation to the priesthood.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/bishop-reach-out-to-lapsed-catholics/article_33cf4980-656f-5f06-966e-bd61886b0a66.htm

“We're not doing enough,” Bishop O'Connell said adding that some parishes have witness talks for men contemplating the seminary and the Archdiocese itself has a full time vocations director and two assistant directors.  The article asserted, “During the last couple of decades, the archdiocese has closed numerous parishes due to the declining number of priests.”  So dwindling Mass attendance and expensive maintenance issues had nothing to do with it?

The bishop suggested each parish had a responsibility to promote priestly vocations adding, “If we could ordain 12 priests a year, we could sustain all of the parishes.”  He continued, “If every parish produced one vocation every 17 years we would be fine.”  I just could not agree with this rosy assessment.  Even if all the parishes within the Archdiocese met that quota, would these new priests be saying Mass in empty churches?

Cited in the newspaper column was a 2014 Pew Research Center study that said the number of church-going Americans dropped slightly from 2007.  I predict this decline will increase exponentially over the next ten years as more and more elderly parishioners pass away.  If the hierarchy focuses on solving the priest shortage but fails to adequately address the Church's other problems, we will not be fine.

I told Bishop O'Connell this during the Q and A session and my long talk with him at St. Theresa's but you'd never know it by reading that article.  Once again, priestly vocations are given top priority while singles who yearn for a spouse aren't even worth mentioning.  I'm left to wonder why so many priests hear but they do not listen.

A Catholic Walks Into A Bar

For this black sheep, few things in life make me feel so out of place than participating in my hometown's nightlife.  Every autumn, the local institution where I volunteer holds an annual meeting which features food, speeches and a small awards ceremony.  Formal wear isn't required but it's an excuse to get dressed up.  The festivities wind down around 9 PM so it leaves a few of us all dressed up with nowhere to go.

After a recent annual meeting, someone suggested going out to a local bar.  Since I didn't have much of a social life, they asked me to join them.  “How will you ever find anyone if you don't try?” one acquaintance remarked.  I decided to tag along just to prove her wrong.

Whether I stay home or go out, the results have always been the same because visiting a bar is one of the most inefficient ways to meet people.  You put all your hope on the random chance a woman with similar interests and beliefs will be sitting there just waiting to strike up a nice conversation.  Being an older Catholic single makes the odds of this happening pretty slim.

That night, six of us went out to a small Irish pub in the downtown.  We found a mostly jeans and t-shirt crowd but I was still wearing my dress shirt, tie, waistcoat and slacks from the annual meeting.  The place was filled with tattooed hipster millennials since there was an art college nearby.  Guess the odds didn't play out in my favor.

Our small group started ordering drinks but I only had water.  We joked to the waitress that I was the designated driver but in reality, I just didn't like the taste of many alcoholic beverages.  That didn't stop my acquaintances from offering me a sip of whatever concoction they ordered.  Hmmm.  Feeling awkward and being pressured to drink.  Why don't I go out more often?

They racked up a pretty hefty tab because in their minds, alcohol equaled happiness and they didn't care if they got wasted.  One person from the group had even suffered a mild heart attack the week before but that did not curtail his intake.  It just happened to be open mic night so when the mildly talented singers belted out the tunes, it was difficult to hear what anyone at our table was saying.  Later, two strange looking old women shuffled in with a guitar to do a dramatic poetry reading that was just awful.

As my acquaintances enjoyed more adult beverages, one of them thought I was being a bit uptight for refusing to order a drink.  He then asked if I had ever been laid.  Suddenly, all eyes were on me but I told them it was none of their business.  As a devout Catholic, I had encountered this question a few times before but there was no good way to answer it.  If I said yes, they would want to know details.  If I said no, I'd be the butt of their jokes.  As they continued to pry, I just acted dumb until they found something else to talk about.  When I got up to go to the bathroom, the smell of marijuana wafted in from the back deck.  There was absolutely nothing here for me so after awhile, I decided to leave.

Experiences like this make me wonder why alcohol must be a night on the town's central focus.  I don't see anything wrong with moderate drinking especially if your beverage compliments a meal but people get carried away.  Perhaps this is why I think those Theology on Tap events seem very gimmicky.

Single Catholics don't have many options when it comes to finding a spouse but the bar scene seems like a big waste of time and money.  How often should we go to the local watering hole before we realize there just isn't anyone there for us?

A World Of Lower Standards

Aside from a few bars, there isn't much for single people to do in my hometown.  (That's really bad for me because I don't drink socially.)  Recently, a woman on the community's Facebook group complained about this and decided to create her own Facebook page for local singles.  Members were invited to post meet ups or any other activities that appealed to the unattached.  She then categorized us into age groups and I suddenly found myself lumped in with people in their late 50s!

In fact, most of the site's members were women in their 40s and 50s but almost all of them had kids.  It made me wonder what the heck happened to the sanctity of marriage.  When some of them started complaining about how lonely they were, I felt it was a bit unfair because at one time they had boyfriends or husbands to sleep with.  Try walking in my shoes.

Some of them seemed very jaded.  When a cooking class was pitched as a possible meet up, a woman said she wanted to go just to discover new recipes...not to meet men.  With an attitude like that, why was she part of this group?  In another post, one woman said she was going to spend her Saturday night at home with a good book.  A few females then suggested they all get together to form a reading club.  Now what kind of signal did that send the opposite sex?

I decided to ask the group if anyone wanted to go mountain bike riding on a nearby rail trail but no one took me up on the offer.  This wasn't surprising because it looked like many of the people here didn't get a lot of exercise.  Unfortunately, the word “single” means many different things: Never married and no kids, never married with kids, divorced with or without children and widowed with or without children.  Not all of these groups have the same expectations.

After showing this Facebook page to a few acquaintances, they said I was being too picky.  I told them “too picky” was refusing to go out with a woman because she had green eyes and blonde hair.  There were good reasons for some of my preferences.  Even if we looked beyond religious beliefs, dating someone with kids added extra pressures to a relationship right off the bat and if a woman is divorced, isn't it natural to wonder why her marriage broke apart?

One of these acquaintances thought I was being too judgmental so she asked if potential suitors had to be thin and good looking too.  I told her a girlfriend who took care of herself would be nice but my definition of beauty was slightly more quirky than what society put on a pedestal.  Then she wondered if I would ever date anyone outside my own religion.  Keep in mind, this acquaintance was Jewish and had a husband who shared her faith.  She was also very liberal so I asked her, “If you were still single, would you date a Trump supporter?”  Of course she wouldn't.  Did that make her close-minded?

Over the years, I've noticed proponents of tolerance try to make us feel guilty for our personal preferences.  We all have attractions.  Some of them aren't that important but others are deal-breakers.  I'd like a girlfriend who has made similar sacrifices for her beliefs.  My acquaintance thought I was looking for the impossible adding, “If a woman is in her 40s and has never had a serious relationship then you should ask yourself what's wrong with her.”  Now who was being judgmental?

Some people find Catholic values so inconceivable, they have to goad anyone who embraces them toward sin.  They'll tell us we should give up on celibacy and just enjoy ourselves.  No one saves themselves for marriage anymore so we need to lower our standards.  Divorce and broken families are just an inevitable part of life.  People fall out of love all the time so it's no big deal.  Advice like that reminds me of the peer pressure found on elementary school playgrounds: “Everyone else is doing it.  Why aren't you?”

In this age of diversity and tolerance, there doesn't seem to be much room for devout Catholics.  That's why singles like me need the Church to step up with increased fellowship and support.  We certainly won't find what we're looking for in a world of lower standards.

More Of The Same

Bishop Mark O'Connell had recommended I check out a weekly summer reading group at his parish because there were a few 40 year olds who regularly attended.  The meetings targeted millennials but everyone was welcome.  Participants read and discussed chapters from the book What Catholics Really Believe by Karl Keating.  I decided to take him up on the offer but doubts lingered in the back of my mind.

A sign inside the lobby of St. Theresa's said "Calling All Millennials" and directed me to a small conference room.  Sitting at the table were an elderly couple, a guy in his 60s and the instructor who was also older.  A married woman in her 30s arrived a little later.  Everyone was friendly and we had a nice discussion while reading about purgatory but the group wasn't exactly what I was looking for.  The instructor did say two women in their 40s usually joined them but both were married.  Just my luck!  I sent the bishop an e-mail a few days later to let him know I probably wouldn't be attending any more of these meetings.

The visit had me thinking about an experience at my former parish, St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly.  A few years ago, I asked Deacon Joens why our church didn't have anything geared towards older singles.  Even though the young adult group's age limit was 35, he suggested I attend saying, "No one is checking IDs at the door."  Except for the instructor, everyone there was much younger and I felt very awkward.  The deacon dropped by for a few minutes to say hi but as the months passed, he never bothered to follow up with me.  Eventually, the group was quietly disbanded due to a lack of young adults.  Did anyone care I had nowhere to go in my own church?  Apparently not because as the months passed, the parish website continued to promote the young adult group as an active ministry.

It's very easy for people to give Catholic singles "helpful" advice when they have nothing at stake.  In my e-mail to Bishop O'Connell, I said people like me just aren't a priority.  To help him understand what many Catholic singes had to endure, I added two links:

One was for the blog The Hidden Faithful:
https://thehiddenfaithful.wordpress.com/

The other was to an article entitled How Churches Today Abandon Christian Singles:
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single

I told the bishop to pay particular attention to the comments section on each site but he never sent a response.  Why am I not surprised?  While many within the Church joyfully promote vocations to the priesthood and religious life, no one seems to lose any sleep thinking about how lonely Catholic singles are.  Just kick the can down the road as months, years and even decades pass by.

A while ago, someone told me the young adult group at St. Mary's was back and they extended the age range to include people in their 40s.  Their Facebook page had photos of many young people enjoying themselves at a pub but an event page showed some incredibly low numbers so I contacted the woman who ran the ministry to learn more.  She admitted they were struggling as a group with attendance as high as 15 but usually hovering around 5.  The number of single, married, dating, men and women were evenly split.  Ages ranged from college students to people in their 30s with most of the over 40 crowd bowing out after having been members for awhile.  Perhaps they felt out of place?

She said St. Mary's also had a men's prayer group, mixed bible study and daily Eucharistic adoration.  I wondered to myself how any of these ministries would help me as a Catholic single.  She even suggested I try to find a Theology on Tap group.  Bishop O'Connell had recommended this too saying there was a Theology on Tap in Ayer, MA with a nice middle aged crowd.  I e-mailed the woman who ran that group and explained my situation.  She replied, "I don't think we fully meet what you are looking for, but it is the same reason we continue to have a strong TOT group 8 years later.  We weigh more toward the older and married side of things."  Ayer is a long drive for a gathering that probably wouldn't meet my expectations.

I don't think the Catholic Church knows what to do with older singles like me which is a shame because we need our religion to be there for us.  Rejecting the hookup culture of secular society makes finding a spouse incredibly difficult.  Being shuffled around to different ministries that don't quite address our concerns is not the answer.

A Choice For The Archdiocese

My continued discussion with Bishop Mark O'Connell expanded upon the remaining topics I had brought up during his visit to my church.  It started to rain and the low rumble of thunder interrupted our conversation a few times.  Was that another omen?

I bluntly told the bishop with all the difficulties facing the Catholic Church, the hierarchy had a choice: ignore what people like me had to say and watch more parishes wither away or listen to our concerns and try to change course.  I gave several examples where the Boston Archdiocese's arrogance had turned people off.  Instead of being warm and caring, the hierarchy hid behind well-paid lawyers and spokespeople.  A skeptical public sees right through this.  I felt the Archdiocese desperately needed a passionate leader because Cardinal Sean O'Malley seemed too cold and reserved.

When I mentioned how the closure of St. Frances Xavier Cabrini in Scituate was mishandled, the bishop agreed but he commended Cardinal O'Malley for not kicking parishioners out when they held a continuous vigil in that church for over ten years.  I thought if the cardinal had been willing to listen, the controversy never would have happened to begin with.  Trauma from the first wave of church closures ran deep.  Our religion places a lot of importance on creating beautiful houses of worship.  (Just look at the Vatican.)  At my former parish, priests and laity alike would say how beautiful our church was.  Even Cardinal O'Malley's blog praised the recent renovations at St. Mary the Annunciation in Danvers.  Yet, when houses of worship have to close, the hierarchy does an about-face saying, “The church is the people not the building.”

We talked more about needless renovations.  Bishop O'Connell had actually served at St. Mary's in Danvers during the 1990s.  When the parish created a parking lot a couple of years ago, they tore down a beloved Victorian which further alienated the community.  A plan to save the house was ignored by the pastor and another opportunity to show average citizens our faith's compassion and gentleness was lost.  This same stubbornness resurfaced at my former parish in Beverly when the pastor there tore up a cherished garden for a parking lot that parishioners never asked for.

Then I explained how the collaborative plan in Beverly was faltering.  In fact, it was our new pastor's attitude that sent my mother and me looking for a new church.  I told the bishop we weren't living in the dark ages anymore.  If a priest does something wrong, it's unrealistic to believe parishioners will simply follow him with blind obedience.

We both didn't know how to reach the younger generation.  A summer reading group meant for St. Theresa's millennials only attracted older parishioners.  I said many young people today completely dismissed religion and the Church's position on gay marriage was a big wedge issue for millennials.  The bishop thought the Church's teachings weren't fully understood and that's why he wanted to reach out to more people including those who felt marginalized.

We had a lot to say about the sex scandal.  I challenged the Church to do more to satisfy the concerns of victims.  Bishop O'Connell said not all of the accused priests were guilty so there had to be a balance between total transparency and protecting the lives of innocent priests.  Both sides had done things to cause mistrust and that included taking some of the bishop's own statements out of context to portray him as uncaring.  While many in America thought Cardinal Law was a fugitive from justice, Rome believed his resignation and reassignment to a lowly position was punishment.  Bishop O'Connell raised many interesting points I had never heard before because the Archdiocese's approach for so long has been to keep silent.

I suggested the Church do exactly what we were doing right now: have more open, honest and respectful conversations...with everyone.  Reach out to victims groups despite past suspicions.  Stop seeing websites like BishopAccountability.org and Boston Catholic Insider as threats because exposing corruption was their way of trying to make the Church stronger.  People respect honesty and when you speak the truth, you don't have to worry about what deceptive thing a spokesperson said three months ago.  I asked the bishop if he could go on local TV and talk about the sex scandal the way he was talking to me.  He said Cardinal O'Malley probably wouldn't have a problem with it but others who handled public relations might.  What a shame because I think in these times, there was a real hunger for honesty.

We spoke for two hours and during that time, Bishop O'Connell appeared to be very sincere.  He appreciated my strong faith but I told him my faith felt very weak.  I was angry with God for sending me down such an uncertain path.  Then I asked if anyone else had brought up similar concerns during his Q and A sessions at other parishes.  He replied, “You're unique.”  Before we wrapped things up, I wondered what would happen to the information he collected at these meetings.  The bishop said he didn't have the authority to change things on his own but if Cardinal O'Malley called on him, he would definitely share what we had discussed.  I found this to be somewhat disheartening.  How much longer would I have to wait for changes that should have happened many years ago?

The Next Step?

During the question and answer session with Bishop Mark O'Connell, he suggested we stay in touch because there might be some things he could do to help with my struggles as a single Catholic.  I sent him an e-mail a few days later and asked what the next step was.  The bishop was also pastor of St. Theresa of Lisieux in Reading, MA so he invited me to meet him there to continue the conservation.  After contacting his secretary, she scheduled an appointment for early August.  It was wonderful that someone from the hierarchy was actually willing to listen and perhaps learn.  I hoped some good would come from all this.

St. Theresa's had pared down architecture that was typical of modern churches.  It was set back from the main road so I drove by the place and had to make a u-turn.  I parked next to the rectory which looked liked your average suburban home.  After ringing the doorbell, a secretary greeted me and then led me to a small waiting room.  On a table was a large white bible so I decided to open it to a random page and place my finger on a passage without looking.  I landed on “Then sometimes the priests take the silver and gold from their gods and spend it on themselves or give part of it to the harlots on the terrace.”  Was this some sort of omen?  Bishop O'Connell popped in to say hi for a moment because he was running late.  I looked around the room and noticed a picture on the wall of St. Theresa's done in pencil.

About ten minutes later, the bishop returned after locating his cell phone and we walked to a nearby conference room that looked like it had once been a living room.  I had no idea where to begin so Bishop O'Connell asked me about my life.  I mentioned being a caregiver for my parents, the struggle to find a steady career and some of the volunteer work I've performed over the years.  He said it sounded like my life was in a rut.  No argument there but I was disappointed he seemed to dismiss the value of my sacrifices.  Don't we often hear sermons about taking up your cross no matter the burden?  This line of questioning was really off-putting so I suggested we focus on issues relating to the Church itself.  After all, women might not find some of my life choices to be very appealing but if there are no eligible members of the opposite sex around in the first place, my shortcomings were moot.

Again, I wondered why there was little help for Catholic singles.  The Boston Archdiocese used to have lectures, retreats and even boat cruises for young adults.  Bishop O'Connell said they still do but I needed to stop using the term young adult since I wasn't one.  His brusqueness surprised me because referring to myself as a young adult appeared to be a subconscious habit since my congregation was filled with so many elderly parishioners.  This misstep in the conversation reminded me of the time my former pastor nitpicked me for calling the young adult group at our church the youth group.  He knew what I meant so why not just get to the heart of the matter?

I told the bishop many priests actually discouraged singles with a calling to be married because they didn't want fellowship events to become “meat markets.”  He seemed amused by that slang term so I said it sometimes appeared on blogs about Catholic singles.  Then I asked if he had ever read any of those blogs.  Bishop O'Connell said no because he wasn't single.  How dispiriting.  To help solve this problem, priests should at the very least be willing to familiarize themselves with our struggles and a good way to do that is to read what other single Catholics have to say.

When I suggested the Church take bold steps to encourage matchmaking like giving away online dating memberships, he balked at the idea.  I asked where the harm was since the Church often threw money out the window on some truly wasteful expenditures.  God forbid lonely Catholic singles actually find dates, get married, have kids and help renew the faith.  Bishop O'Connell did say St. Theresa's had a group that met on Monday evenings and there were a few people in their 40s who regularly attended.  He suggested I check it out.

Sadly, I could see our conversation on Catholic singles wasn't turning out to be very productive so I decided to switch gears and discuss many of the other issues facing the Church that I had mentioned during the Q and A session.

A Talk With The Bishop: Part 2

Bishop Mark O'Connell addressed most of my concerns sometimes going into great detail if it was a topic he was familiar with.  He started off by saying, “I feel your pain.”  (I took that comment with a grain of salt.)

Regarding the struggles of singles like me, he said there were a number of Catholic dating websites out there and perhaps I needed to take the lead on this.  When he suggested trying to form my own group, I reminded him of the failed efforts at my former parish.  Bishop O'Connell advised me not to give up so easily because only one priest had rejected my idea.  (Actually it was three pastors in a row.)  He said I might have to start visiting other parishes to find compatible Catholic singles.  One of my priests who was sitting in the pews gave me a nervous smile because he didn't want to lose me as a parishioner.  Then the bishop suggested we could get together in the near future to discuss this subject in greater detail.

Bishop O'Connell admitted some priests were just plain “nuts” but there was little that could be done since having an odd personality wasn't grounds for dismissal.  He only touched upon the topic of needless church renovations by saying he knew St. Mary's of the Annunciation had planned a few improvements like a new parking lot but for some reason they decided to redo the entire church.

On the new collaborative plan, he was aware the pastor at my former parish had spread himself too thin by not eliminating some of the Masses at all three churches.  I felt there was more to the issue than that but said nothing.  Earlier in the Q and A session, the bishop explained how there were too many churches in the Boston Archdiocese but closing many of them had caused a surprising amount of hate to be directed at Cardinal O'Malley who felt so hurt, he vowed not to close anymore churches for the time being.

A lot of thought was given to the new collaborative plan.  Was it working?  Bishop O'Connell said in order to avert a priest shortage down the road, each parish needed to supply the Archdiocese with a certain number of new priests but so far, that wasn't happening despite the emphasis on priestly vocations. 

The bishop had a lot to say about the sex abuse scandal because he was very much involved with making sure something like that never happened again.  Before 2002, there were no canon laws on how to deal with abusive priests.  He spent many years helping to change that.  Bishop O'Connell said the Church had feared scandal so much, they kept reports of abuse quiet.  However, it was like trying to hold a beach ball underwater.  The more they pushed down, the harder it became to control until everything just erupted.  He assured us the Church was in a much better position to prevent abuse and it was his hope people 100 years from now would look back on those dark times as something that was terrible but long in the past.  I silently wondered if the Church would still be around in 100 years.

Bishop O'Connell agreed with my point about aging congregations and said elderly parishioners were keeping the Church afloat since many Catholics just didn't care about their religion.  He noticed how parents would drop their kids off at CCD classes without ever going to Mass themselves.

After hearing me speak, a woman wondered what could be done to make church more appealing to young people because the enthusiasm she saw at those Steubenville Youth Conferences seemed to be short-lived.  The bishop admitted some parishes made our young people feel unwelcome  He said that back in the day CYOs often fostered fellowship.

The Q and A session wrapped up with Bishop O'Connell thanking us for a thoughtful discussion.  One of my priests praised our sincerity and candor.  The bishop gave me his card so we could continue the discussion.  As I started to leave, a handful of old people stopped to talk to me.  They appreciated my comments and some said they would pray for me.  I politely thanked them but wondered to myself why there were never any women my age at events like this.  I had certainly put myself out there.

The following week, my priest thanked me again for sharing my concerns.  The week after that, an elderly woman who had attended the Q and A session walked up to me before Mass with sad eyes and asked if I was doing alright.  Such sympathy was incredibly awkward but after church we talked some more and joked about it.  Alas, I wasn't looking for a pity party, just a helping hand.

A Talk With The Bishop: Part 1

When it was my turn to speak during the question and answer session with Bishop Mark O'Connell, I asked for the microphone and said, "I have a lot to get off my chest but I will be respectful."  I then expressed the hope that we could all be respectful to each other no matter what our concerns were.

Without having any idea how I would say everything that was on my mind, the spirit seemed to move me.  I spoke with just a couple of pauses and touched upon most of my concerns.  The bishop listened intently and only added his thoughts a few times.  There were three topics that my discussion focused on: Catholic singles, the priest sex abuse scandal, and the hierarchy.

I started off by talking about my first parish, St. John's in Beverly and how that church's interior was needlessly renovated.  Spending money in frivolous ways was a pattern seen in a lot of parishes and I mentioned St. Mary of the Annunciation in the nearby town of Danvers.  That church spent a couple of million on so-called improvements that will do very little to bring young people to Mass.

I told everyone to take a look around the room and see how few young adults were here.  Then I wondered what would happen to this church in another couple of decades adding, "Am I going to be the only one sitting in these pews?" 

As a single person with a calling to be married, I said the Church did nothing for people like me.  The focus was on priestly vocations and not much else.  I mentioned how my priests ignored me after speaking to them about my desire to form a young adult group.  Then with a little bit of rage in my voice, I added, "And now I'm not even a young adult anymore.  I'm going to be 44 years old on Monday and I have never had a girlfriend.  Weekend after weekend goes by and I find myself alone."  Touching upon my college years at a very liberal school, I said defending Catholic values has only made me an outcast.

I told the bishop that the hierarchy came across as being out of touch.  When the Archdiocese of Boston first learned of sexually abusive priests, they should have put a stop to it immediately.  Instead the cover up and scandal drove many parishioners away.  When abuse victims protested outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, Cardinal Sean O'Malley should have spoken with them face to face instead of turning his back.  For all the talk of transparency and zero tolerance, we are still seeing people resign in disgust from the Church's own abuse commissions.

I said the Archdiocese's new collaborative plan wasn't really working.  At my former parish, collections went down because our new pastor was more administrator than shepherd.  The earlier wave of church closures had also driven many Catholics away in anger.  Those buildings may have needed to be closed but the cardinal could have met with parishioners one on one instead of being cold and arrogant.  Whenever the Church failed to act in a Christ-like manner, it ultimately hurt the faith.

I asked how the people in the pews were supposed to evangelize an increasingly skeptical public when the Archdiocese's own arrogance undermined us.  Even most of the nuns from my high school could have been friendlier but they chose to be mean instead and that makes people like me run in the other direction.  My talk concluded with one short statement that carried a lot of weight: "I have never felt so lost."

Since my primary concern was getting out all my frustrations, I think I only looked at the bishop once or twice.  Everything seemed to flow really well with one topic merging into another.  Now I waited to hear Bishop Mark O'Connell's response.

The Meek Shall Inherit God Knows What

Last month, my parish hosted a question and answer session with our regional bishop.  The event targeted confused and lapsed Catholics but anyone was welcome to be a part of this “non-judgmental” conversation.  With so many concerns about the current state of the Church and the plight of older Catholic singles, how could I not attend?

The previous regional bishop had visited our church a couple of times but when I spoke to him after Mass, he didn't take my concerns too seriously.  Having someone from the hierarchy actually seek out a dialogue with those of us in the pews was a refreshing change of pace.

When I arrived for the Q and A session, the 5:30 PM Mass with Bishop Mark O'Connell was running late.  The church was unusually packed because many people had come from other parishes just to see the bishop.  After Mass, he exchanged greetings with the departing crowd and at least one person posed for a photograph with him.  I wondered if the bishop's celebrity status gave him an inaccurate impression of our congregation's numbers and its struggles.

After the church emptied out, a few dozen parishioners remained for the Q and A session.  Except for a boy who had come with his parents, I was the youngest person in the room.  Very discouraging!  Bishop O'Connell told us a little about himself and said a microphone was available if anyone had a lot to say.  An older gentleman started things off by asking what a vicar was.  Another parishioner wondered why some people held hands during the Our Father while others lifted their hands up in the air.  With all the problems plaguing the Church, this is what was people cared about?

As the discussion continued, someone wondered if the Archdiocese's new collaborative plan was spreading priests too thin.  A woman asked why the annulment process was painfully complicated.  These questions were alright but I found myself wondering why many Catholics tend to shun critical thinking.  The Archdiocese of Boston has done some pretty unchristian things over the years and those actions have seriously damaged an already weakened religion.  If we are supposed to call out evil in all its forms, why do so many devout Catholics turn a blind eye when hypocrisy, arrogance, corruption and lies come from the hierarchy itself?

Most of my fellow parishioners just go with the flow for fear of being disobedient but how fruitful can a church be if it's filled with timid people?  In a sermon from a few years ago, one of my priests asked his congregation why a large percentage of Catholics didn't stand up for their religion once they stepped outside the church doors.  Well, if you promote a culture of subservience, this is exactly the kind of harvest you'll reap.  Standing up to injustice requires courage and passion.  Blind obedience doesn't.

Look at how some priests talk of suffering.  They say it's a gift from God.  They tell us not to complain or be sad because we should accept it gracefully.  Really?  If nobody got angry about a hardship then there wouldn't be much motivation to do something about it.  It seems like the Church wants us to be passionate about our faith but not too passionate lest we call out the hierarchy when they do something wrong.

Even many of the Catholic blogs and websites I've read refuse to look inward for fear of being disobedient.  The disclaimer at St. Blog (an online clearing house for Catholic blogs) asks members to “recognize and respect the Magisterium of the Church and be obedient to the Pope and authorities under him.  After all, without those, you aren't really Catholic are you?”  Actually, there are times when not asking the uncomfortable questions makes you less of a Christian.  Sometimes Jesus was as gentle as a dove and turned the other cheek.  Sometimes He rebuked the Pharisees, toppled tables, and kicked the moneychangers out of the temple.

When I see pews filled only with meek old people, I question whether the hierarchy’s approach over the past few generations has served the Church well in the long term.  Ask yourself what will become of these parishes in a couple of decades?

The Q and A session with Bishop Mark O'Connell was half over so I could no longer be silent.  After raising my hand, I asked one of the priests for a microphone adding, “I have a lot to get off my chest...”

The Mathematics Of "What If"

The older I get, the more my mind plays a numbers game.  I'm not sure when it started exactly but as I dwell on an uncertain future, all kinds of calculations begin swirling around in my head.

I turned 44 recently.  What if by some small miracle I started dating a good Catholic woman tomorrow?  How long would our courtship last before I knew she was the one?  Younger couples have the luxury of time.  They can spend several years romancing each other before they decide to get married.  For older singles like me, it feels like we're under the gun especially if we want to have kids and raise a family.

What if we dated for a few years but then realized we weren't meant to be together?  That would mean more time wasted.  I've known some friends for a few decades but just when I think I have them figured out, sometimes they will do things that are really inconsiderate.  If these relationships cause me so much grief, how am I supposed to truly know a spouse that I've dated for a relatively short period of time?

I wonder if the Sacrament of Marriage so late in life is more like a work in progress where you blindly hope for the best.  What if something really annoying about a spouse comes to the surface after the fact?  When my parents got married in 1969, my mother had been thought of as an old maid because she was in her mid-thirties.  At the time, my dad was 40.  Here I am at 44 and still single with no eligible Catholic women in sight.  I'm not supposed to be anxious about the future?

While my parents had a good marriage, their personalities often clashed and I saw my fair share of arguments.  Did they truly know each other or did the value they placed on the Sacrament of Marriage help keep them together?  I'd like to marry someone who was a great friend.  Staying married because it's your duty seems like a weak foundation.  Plenty of couples just go through the motions and put up with each other.  That's not the kind of relationship I'm looking for.

What if I got married tomorrow?  How old would I be when my kids turned twenty?  64.  Will I have the energy to deal with twenty-year-olds at that age?  From what I've observed, children put a huge strain on a marriage.  One of my married friends deeply desires more romance but his wife is so tired as a stay-at-home mom, she has little interest.  My cousin once joked, “When you think you've had all the sex, sleep and peace and quiet you can handle, that's when you should have kids because it all goes away after that.”  How encouraging!  For younger couples, there's time to experience years of intimacy before the demands of having children take center stage.  Should older couples who get married and have kids right away kiss romance goodbye after only a few months?

The calculations swirling around in my mind aren't just limited to the future.  Sometimes, I'm haunted by the lost potential of years gone by.  What if instead of college and then years of struggling to find my way in the world, I had gotten a job as a bus driver with the local transit authority?  As unglamourous as that sounds, I'd already be retired with a full pension and health benefits.  In the 1990s, the Massachusetts Bay Transportation Authority offered generous salaries with plenty of overtime and only required 23 years of service before retirement.  This would certainly make me more attractive to members of the opposite sex who often demand “successful” men as potential suitors.

What if the Church had actually done more for young adults seeking marriage when I was in my 20s or early 30s?  How different would my life be today?  What if I had found a good Catholic woman to marry during my college years?  Our kids would be in their twenties right now.  What if I had gotten married even ten years ago?  I certainly wouldn't be this worried about “God's plan” but being so far removed from your calling can cause a great deal of anxiety

Fear and doubt like to creep in during the wee hours of the night and it's been many years since I've had a full 8 hours of sleep.  Wondering why my bed is so empty has me tossing and turning...and longing.  What if I had a spouse to hold right next to me?  I think it's safe to say all those wasted years wondering “what if” would be replaced by something much more fulfilling.