A Letter from the Cardinal

A little over two weeks had passed since I handed Cardinal Sean O'Malley my letter regarding the struggles of Catholic singles when his reply arrived in the mail.  The quick response time seemed like a good sign but I feared receiving nothing more than a generic form letter.  The Cardinal wrote:

Allow me this moment to acknowledge your letter presented following my celebration of Mass in observance of the 60th Anniversary of the Carmelite Chapel at he North Shore Mall.  Thank you for taking the time to join us for that wonderful celebration.

Please know of my appreciation for sharing with me your very personal reflection concerning your seeking marriage in the Church with a faithful Catholic woman.  The vocation of marriage is indeed of great importance in the life of the Church and the witness a Catholic husband and wife is of great value.

It is commendable that you have given significant time and effort to work with the life of the Church in pursuit of Catholic marriage.  Regarding opportunities for interacting with women who also would be seeking that vocation, it might be that involvement in activities in the local parish would provide the best opportunities.  As you note, parishes do promote programs for families, young adults and vocations.  It has been my experience that parishes also offer opportunities for developing friendships and relationships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.  I pray that your dedication and commitment to the vocation of Catholic marriage will be fulfilled through the life of the Church.

With the assurance of a remembrance in my prayer for you and all whom you hold dear, I remain

Sincerely yours in Christ,

Sean O'Malley

Archbishop of Boston

After reading the letter, my heart sank.  For a very well-worded document, it really didn't say much of anything.  In fact, the only concern of mine that Cardinal O'Malley specifically addressed was about my struggles as a single on the parish level...but he completely missed the point!  My reason for writing him in the first place was because our churches have not been providing help for their singles since most parishioners tend to be elderly or families.  Despite the Cardinal's assurances, parish activities offer no “opportunities for developing friendships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.”

In that moment, I felt so very low.  Had I been someone important, perhaps the Cardinal would have been more receptive to my heartfelt pleas.  But I'm just a nobody and once again our clergy has demonstrated they can't even begin to understand the difficulties single Catholics with a call to Holy Matrimony face.

Instead of giving me a sense of comfort and making me feel closer to God, Cardinal Sean's letter left me a little angry.  I have endured a tremendous amount of ridicule and loneliness for the sake of my Catholic faith.  We need our shepherds to be there for us especially when we ask for their help.

A Letter to the Cardinal

The dedication plaque at the entrance to the Carmelite Chapel

Earlier this month, the priests running Carmelite Chapel in the Northshore Mall decided to celebrate the house of worship's 60th anniversary with a Mass led by Cardinal Sean O'Malley.  I figured this would be a good opportunity to let him know about the struggles many Catholic singles faced.

I planned to write his eminence a letter and then hand it to him after Mass but there was so much to discuss, it became difficult to narrow everything down.  Thanks to a busy work schedule, the end of the week arrived and I still hadn't typed anything up yet.  About an hour before Mass, I cleared my mind and just put pen to paper.

Dear Cardinal Sean,

I was wondering if anyone in our Holy Church is giving much thought to those of us who are called to marriage but cannot find a spouse?  The “Catholic singles crisis” seems to be talked about on blogs but very little is done on the parish or regional level to help those of us who struggle to fulfill their vocation to marriage. 

On an average day, the Carmelite Chapel sees fewer than 5 worshipers under the age of 50 during Mass.  Other parishes that I've been to have mostly elderly with some families and a few young adults but singles like me seem to be far and few in between.  Parish activities so far have only focused on families, prayer, or encouraging vocations to the priesthood.  Why isn't more being done to encourage marriage?

I've asked 3 pastors, two bishops, and several priests this only to be dismissed over the decades.  When I wanted to form my own young adult group at St. Mary's in Beverly, the pastor at the time shot this idea down.  Now I have long “aged out” of being in any young adult group.  Catholic singles are invisible to most people in the Church.  I can't understand this.  With dwindling attendance at Mass, shouldn't the Church do much more to bring singles together to get married and have families that are raised in loving Catholic homes?

I think men who see life-long celibacy as a virtue don't see what a defeat it is if you have been called to marriage.  Being single is lonely and at times painful.  I am called to Holy Matrimony but have no way to fulfill this calling.  When you embrace the Church's moral values, it shrinks the dating pool significantly and as the years go by, it becomes so much more difficult to find a good Catholic spouse.

One priest said to me, “40 is the new 30.  You still have time to have a family.”  40 is 40.  Women at that age face increasing infertility.  (Satan laughs when devout Catholic women who still seek a husband can no longer have children.)  Another priest suggested I try Catholic internet dating.  I have and these websites are terrible.  There are very few active members on them despite their claims of large numbers of singles and only a small fraction of people on these sites actually find spouses.

Something more needs to be done at the Church level.  Priests, the Pope and you need to help Catholic singles.  (A once-a-year conference in some far away state just doesn't do anything to help people like me.)  Start talking about this problem.  Stop selling me a vocation to the priesthood.  This is not my calling.  It is also not God's will either.  Please help us black sheep of the Catholic Church.
   
When I finished writing this letter, the Mass had already started and by the time I arrived at the unusually packed Carmelite Chapel, Cardinal Sean's sermon was over.  After Mass, Cardinal O'Malley stayed in the chapel's hallway to greet parishioners.  Now was my chance.  I shook his hand and asked if I could give him a letter that shared my perspective on being a Catholic single adding, “It's nothing mean.”  He smiled and said yes so I handed him the letter, thanked him and then went on my way.  I don't have high hopes anything will come of this but I had to try.  At the very least, Cardinal O'Malley now knows there are Catholic singles out there who need his (and the Church's) help.  He can choose to do something about it or he can dismiss my pleas like so many clergy have done before.