There's Always Tomorrow

A culture of instant gratification didn't exist for kids growing up in the 1970s and 1980s and this was especially true when it came to their favorite television programs.  If you wanted to watch something on TV, you had to make sure you didn't miss it because a long time would pass before it aired again.  Every year for the holidays, the television networks would periodically suspend the mostly adult content of their prime time line up to present cartoons like A Charlie Brown Christmas and Frosty the Snowman, or “claymation” wonders like Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer and Santa Claus is Comin' To Town.
 
There wasn't much advanced warning when these shows appeared.  My parents (who had probably seen ads for them earlier in the week) would simply tell us there would be something for my brother and me to watch just before bedtime.  CBS had a very distinctive bumper which featured a swirling graphic of the word SPECIAL.  When most children from that era saw this, they knew they were in for a treat.  As the whole family gathered around the television, some of these programs choked me up during their more serious moments which was a credit to the care the writers had for these stories.  I never did cry for fear of being embarrassed in front of everyone, though.
 

There was something “special” about watching these holiday specials and they were usually talked about in school the next day even if it was to just find out if your friends had seen them too.  Since there were only three television networks on at the time, a great number of people tended to watch the same programs.  It was one of those things in our everyday lives that we took for granted but it seemed to bind us together.  Even at that age, there was a faint sense that the television shows I was enjoying were being watched by my friends in that very moment.

Then in 1984, something odd happened that seemed sacrilegious to me.  While one of those sweet Christmas specials was airing, another network decided to play a very un-Christmas-like cartoon based on the Robo Force toy line.  I looked at the show for about a minute before changing the channel.  This was merchandising that hit a new low.  While the novelty of the program had its appeal, I wasn't about to give up seeing Rudolph or Frosty for a whole year.  The next day one of my friends said he had watched the Robo Force cartoon but was blissfully unaware of the Christmas special that aired at the same time.  When I told him what he had missed, he was actually bummed out by his viewing choice.  That Robo Force cartoon never did become a Christmas classic and today it's largely forgotten.

 

As I got a little older, I continued to watch these specials and in my freshman year of high school, our gym teacher tried his best to preserve the sense of innocence we had as children during the Christmas season.  For one quiz, he said there would be an extra credit question that would have something to do with the Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer special so we were encouraged to catch it if we wanted the correct answer.  Many of us did.  A few days later he asked, “What was the name of the elf who wanted to be a dentist?”  In the days before the internet, you just couldn't look up something like that on Wikipedia.

Despite my gym teacher's best efforts, viewing those Christmas specials became less of a priority as the years passed by.  It didn't seem like a big deal because I figured at some point I would get married, have kids and then rediscover the magic of these shows through their eyes when we gathered around the television during the holidays...but life hasn't worked out that way.

Now in the digital age, kids can watch Rudolph, Frosty and a hundred other Christmas specials anytime they want much to my mother's chagrin.  When she tunes in network television and sees a commercial for these holiday shows, she'll enthusiastically call my brother to make sure his kids know about it...and every year he seems to shoot her down by saying things like, “They have that one on DVD.” or “They've already seen it on Youtube.”  For many children these days, those specials aren't so “special” anymore.

When I grew up, there wasn't much in the way of on-demand media so in addition to having longer attention spans, we learned to appreciate what we had in the moment.  This year, there seemed to be an outcry when it was announced that several Charlie Brown specials would no longer be shown on network television because Apple TV+ had acquired their exclusive broadcast rights.  A deal was eventually reached with PBS to air the specials but it came too late for It's the Great Pumpkin Charlie Brown.

A few weeks ago, I found my mother tuning in Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer on CBS so I decided to sit down and watch it with her for a little while.  I must have heard Clarice sing to Rudolph dozens of times but this was the first year I really paid attention to the lyrics:
 

There's Always Tomorrow,
For dreams to come true,
Tomorrow is not far away.

Oh, how those words struck a chord with me especially since my dreams seemed so far away.  I decided not to watch the rest of the program and went upstairs to my room.  In that moment, I felt like a person who chose to sleep through New Year's Eve.  Instead of having a shared viewing experience, I sulked like one of the misfit toys.  Just before 9 PM, I turned on the TV in time to see Rudolph's end credits with Santa wishing everyone a merry Christmas.  There's always tomorrow for dreams to come true...

A Taste of Entitlement

Depending on what state you live in, unemployment compensation is typically 45 percent of your weekly paycheck.  When the government mandated shelter in place orders in March of this year, many people suddenly found themselves unable to go to work.  The passage of the CARES Act gave people on unemployment an extra 600 dollars a week to make up the difference for what they'd usually make in their paychecks.  Why 600 dollars?  It was deemed the quickest way to boost the vast majority of unemployment benefits to 100 percent since calculating everyone's individual weekly pay would have taken too long.  As a result of this “enhanced” unemployment, some people have wound up making a lot more money than they'd normally earn in a week.
 
I haven't been so lucky.  Since my job was deemed essential by the government, work has never been busier.  The last seven months have been a blur of 50 plus hour work weeks, 6 days a week.  I come home exhausted, eat, sleep and then go back to work with only a few hours to myself in between.  Certainly no time to blog.  In fact, things have been so busy some of the Easter decorations are still up in the house!  For a short time, my employer grudgingly gave us a “thank you” bonus with our paychecks but it didn't amount to much.  Most of us felt this was a slap in the face considering we have put ourselves in harm's way for the company.
 
The extra 600 dollars of enhanced unemployment lasted until the end of July and around that time I started to see some workers return to their old jobs.  A driver who subcontracts with us said he enjoyed his “paid vacation” and was able to finish a lot of projects around his house.  One of my favorite waitresses told me she made way more money while unemployed.  Now that her restaurant has reopened, she's not making as much as she did before the pandemic because social distancing measures have reduced the number of tables she can wait on.  I told her, “I hope you saved some of that extra 600 dollars.”
 
Financial experts suggest putting a portion of your weekly paycheck into an emergency fund but just how much money you need to set aside depends on who you talk to.  Some say it should cover your expenses for the next 3 to 6 months while others suggest it should last an entire year.  When I mentioned the importance of having an emergency fund, a coworker laughed and said he lived paycheck to paycheck “like most Americans do.”  Another quipped, “One year?  I don't have enough for one week.”  Americans are not very good savers.  Perhaps it's because we live in a society with so many ways to frivolously spend our hard-earned money.

We often hear people say the poor should pull themselves up by their bootstraps but it's amazing how that advice doesn't seem to apply when financial difficulties hit close to home.  Suddenly the ones complaining about high taxes and handouts have no trouble taking extra money from the government.  I don't know anyone who returned their $1,200 stimulus check saying, “No thanks.”  Most recipients probably consider it payback for all the high taxes that take a big chunk out of their weekly earnings...especially if they are single with no dependents.

I do wonder how our country is going to pay for all of this, though.  As politicians debate yet another aid package any talk of balanced budgets seems like a distant memory.  Remember the national debt clock?  It's amazing how Congress can come up with trillions of dollars for handouts just like that.  If American citizens can't control their finances, I guess we shouldn't expect our leaders to either.

Despite significantly reduced municipal services and the closure of city hall, my hometown's mayor was all too happy to announce no city employees would be laid off during the pandemic.  He also made no offer to reduce his very generous six figure salary despite the fact that many residents are now struggling to pay their property taxes. He did talk about raising taxes, however.

Conservatives say we should not be giving away benefits that are so high because it incentivizes people not to work.  Liberals claim there aren't enough jobs for everyone so extra financial assistance is needed.  Well, there are still jobs out there for those who want to work.  Our company has been frantically trying to fill positions for the better part of a year now without much success.  The few new hires we do get tend to be lazy bottom feeders.  One coworker who liked calling in sick whenever there was something fun going on in his life now gets a two week “paid vacation” for reporting flu-like symptoms thanks to Covid-19 self-quarantine regulations.  Meanwhile, us poor suckers who are plagued by a strong work ethic must make due.
 
For all the recent talk of poverty and racial injustice, fairly decent jobs remain vacant.  The only thing my bosses care about is getting the work done, not gender or skin color.  A person coming from nothing could go really far at my workplace but breaking a life-long culture of entitlement is not going to be easy especially when you see average people fall so quickly under its spell.

Lessons From the Past

We aren't even three months into sheltering in place due to the Covid-19 virus and already people are starting to become unhinged.  Someone recently relayed her experience at the grocery store on my hometown's community Facebook page.  In front of her a man and his young son were waiting in line at the registers with a full shopping cart.  He moved up before being called to do so and the cashier told him to wait.  The man flipped out and started yelling saying this whole thing was b.s.  After dropping several f-bombs, he grabbed his kid and stormed out of the store leaving his groceries behind.

A few days later, a gentleman sarcastically complained to this Facebook group about being chastised for walking in the wrong direction down the grocery store's one-way aisle by saying he must have flunked following supermarket arrows in high school.  (As a youth, he probably missed watching the old Sesame Street bit that taught children about one way signs!)

The sign said ONE WAY: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=x1C5r3r7zms

During a trip to get take out at a favorite restaurant, a woman working for Door Dash tried entering through the clearly-marked exit door.  I refused to let her in and told her everyone had to use the main entrance.  Even though those doors had prominent signage advising everyone to wear face masks, she just walked right in without a mask and started blabbing away to someone in line. 

Then you have all the people who don't wear their masks properly because they have a hard time breathing.  What seems to be lost to these ignoramuses is a sense of urgency.  The Covid-19 virus spreads so quickly because many infected people do not exhibit any signs they have it.  You can't say you're not contagious because you feel fine!  With the scientific community still trying to understand how to fight this virus, we all need to do our part to minimize its spread.  Unfortunately, some people are so self-centered, they just don't get it.  

I've read some pretty foolish comments from social media: “Quarantining healthy people is tyranny.”  “We should just let the virus run it's course and then be done with it.”  “It's mostly killing the old and the weak.”  “Shutting the country down is a mistake.  The cure is worse than the disease.”  To be blunt, this virus doesn't care about your job loss.  It doesn't care how inconvenienced you are waiting in long lines at the grocery store.  It doesn't care about projected time tables or targeted reopenings.  If we aren't careful, a second surge in the infection rate is likely.

For now, social distancing is one of the only things we have in our arsenal to fight the virus.  If Covid-19 was allowed to run it's course as some have suggested, we may develop a natural immunity to it but many more people would die.  When the black plague finally subsided about 30 to 60 percent of Europe's population had perished.  Smallpox, on the other hand was vanquished because of a vaccine and mass inoculations.  Now which strategy would you choose?

Sometimes I wonder how people would behave if Covid-19 had a 90 percent mortality rate.  Then I think about how this country pulled together during World War II.  If you think shopping at the grocery store is an inconvenience now, try using a ration book in 1942.  (And if you misused that ration book, you faced a 10k fine and / or ten years in prison!)  Families were limited in what they could buy and shortages were common.  My mother tells me beef went to the fighting soldiers overseas so her family had to purchase horse meat.  Butter was scarce so margarine with a yellow dye packet was used instead.  Housewives were told to save the excess fat from cooking so it could be used to make bombs.  Humorous ads during the war years instructed ladies to “bring their fat cans” down to their local butcher.  People were encouraged to save everything from the foil in gum wrappers to large pieces of scrap metal.  Victory gardens were commonplace.  Blackout drills required everyone to do their part and blackout wardens made sure you turned off that light.  Women who never worked in a factory before suddenly found themselves signing up to assemble tanks, airplanes and ships.  Gasoline was rationed and special stickers affixed to car windshields determined just how much fuel a person could buy.  The national speed limit was reduced to 35 miles per hour and pleasure driving was discouraged.  If the government wanted something from you back then, they didn't ask...they just took it.  When my mother was in grammar school, men from the government dressed in hats and trench coats came into class and fingerprinted everyone.  She was never told why but as an adult she found out this was done so their bodies could be identified if the Germans had bombed the school.  The war touched all levels of society and everyone was expected to rise to the occasion.  Most did.

The A, B, Cs...and S, M, X and Ts of gas rationing.

As difficult as all these restrictions seemed, they were not perceived as tyranny.  In fact, people were filled with a sense of patriotism.  Americans were keenly aware that their sacrifices on the home front were helping the soldiers overseas who were making an even bigger sacrifice.

How the average person behaved during WW II is a far cry from the squabbling I see now on the internet.  I wish everyone could take the lessons of the war years to heart and count the many blessings they have today because things could be much much worse.  One of my friends posted a thought-provoking meme on Facebook a few weeks ago that read, “To put things in perspective for those of us feeling a bit stir crazy already.  Anne Frank and 7 other people hid in a 450 Sq. ft. attic for 761 days, quietly trying to remain undiscovered to stay alive.”  I understand the frustration caused by being cooped up for so long and the desire to vent but we need to keep things in their proper perspective.

An Easter Like No Other

Despite a mild winter with only one major snowstorm, I was really looking forward to spring.  There's something about more sunlight, warmer weather and trees blossoming after months of enduring cold dark days.  In February, I found a sharp-looking light gray sport coat at one of my favorite thrift stores and thought it would be nice to wear for Easter Mass.  Little did any of us know our plans for spring would drastically change.

When the first shelter-at-home orders were issued in response to the Covid-19 virus, some were hopeful things would be back to normal by April.  In fact, a few restaurants even took out large ads in the local newspaper to let their customers know they'd still be having Easter dinner.  As the weeks passed, this seemed more and more unlikely since social distancing guidelines were expanded.  With the handwriting on the wall, restaurants were now offering Easter dinner take out only.

It was also looking more and more unlikely that there would be Mass for Easter, too.  While some churches said they would be open just for confessions and prayer, my parish shut down altogether and not even an online bulletin was published.  I thought not attending weekly Mass for such a long time would feel strange but it only brought indifference.  While I didn't want to be like those “heathen” twice-a-year Catholics, I really didn't miss boring sermons, elderly parishioners, waking up early or feelings of loneliness in the pews.  It wasn't that I relished skipping Mass.  Rather, my many pastors over the years had failed to create an inviting atmosphere for Catholic singles like me.  Some worshipers would seek out online virtual Masses or watch Catholic TV but those options didn't appeal to me either.

For Easter, Masses with the Pope and Cardinal O'Malley were broadcast on local television stations but I slept in after a busy night at work.  My mother didn't feel like cooking so she ordered a couple of take out dinners from a nearby restaurant.  When I picked them up, the place was mostly empty and dark but I thanked the staff for staying open when so many other businesses had closed.  The trip to and from the restaurant was almost devoid of traffic which only added to my isolation.  Once I got home, we ate our Easter dinner at the kitchen table instead of in the dining room.  There was no company, no fancy silverware or plates and we didn't get dressed up.  Despite all of this, we were thankful for our blessings.  

It's sometimes said that mankind makes plans while God laughs.  I don't like this expression because it implies the Almighty takes some sort of pleasure in the suffering of others.  I do think it's important to appreciate the fact that life can sometimes turn on a dime and no matter how sure we are of the plans we have made, they don't necessarily come to pass.  One of the things I appreciate about the Muslim religion is how often the expression, “God willing” is used because this acknowledges a certain kind of humility.  What we want for one reason or another might not happen.

In January, it was announced the prestigious Top of the Hub restaurant located on the 52nd floor of Boston's Prudential Center would close after more than 54 years.  Their last day was scheduled for April 18th but due to the Covid-19 shutdowns, it's likely the place may never reopen.  All those people who thought there was still plenty of time to visit the restaurant for one last goodbye were sadly mistaken.

Many plans were made at the start of 2020.  When I bought that light gray sport coat, I imagined myself all dressed up at Easter Mass.  Restaurants probably thought they would make lots of money serving Easter dinner to their many customers.  How wrong we were.

The New Normal Is My Old Normal

I noticed the sign outside a local restaurant many times: Trivia Night - Wednesday at 9 PM.  As February waned, feelings of claustrophobia intensified and I really wanted to check it out but the thought of going by myself was too unappealing.  (Been there, done that.)  I decided to call one of the only friends I had left in the area but he just happened to be in a taxi heading to his parish's late evening Ash Wednesday celebration.  I asked if he wanted to get together after Mass but he was too tired.  My friend reassured me that next Wednesday looked open and he would call back then.

The following week, another trivia night passed by but the phone never rang.  I wound up spending yet another night in my room watching TV.  The next day my friend posted to Facebook a photo of himself enjoying karaoke at a bar in his neck of the woods.  It's a sad thing to be so inconsequential that not even your friends remember you! 

Putting something off for “another day” is not a good idea because you never know what the future might hold.  The month of March began normally enough but looming concerns about the Covid-19 virus had some people worried.  At the local grocery store, there was a run on powdered milk and Parmalat which no one ever bought.  I noticed granola and breakfast bars were curiously missing from the shelves too.  Was that a sign some shoppers were prepping for a pandemic?  The week of March 8th started quietly but on Thursday the 12th, all hell broke loose.  Grocery stores were swamped with panicked shoppers who were clamoring for everything from toilet paper to bottled water.  Within a few hours, lines were out the door and shelves were empty.  Soon governors were issuing stay-at-home orders.  Non-essential businesses were shut down, unemployment exploded and our unprecedentedly great economy came to a screeching halt.

The words “social distancing” entered our lexicon and each day brought with it new restrictions.  You had to stay 6 ft. apart from others.  Grocery stores closed earlier then special hours for senior citizens were established.  Aisles became one way and there were limits on how many items you could buy.  Then only a certain number of shoppers could be inside the store at one time.  More and more communities mandated the wearing of surgical masks or cloth face coverings as the number of people infected with Covid-19 continued to climb...along with the death toll.  The rest of the school year was in doubt as proms were canceled and graduation ceremonies turned virtual.  Masses were suspended.  Restaurants could only serve take out or delivery.  For some reason, liquor stores were deemed essential and remained open.  Gas prices plummeted and our roads never appeared emptier.

Now that most of us are taking shelter in our homes, a group video chat service named Zoom seems to be all the rage.  (I had never heard of it before the pandemic.)  With few places to go and not much to do, the internet has become essential for maintaining connections with others but people are discovering it's a poor substitute for real world social interactions.  We are less than two months into this new normal and already people are anxious and starting to complain about unprecedented levels of isolation.

If dealing with the loneliness from all those Covid-19 restrictions is weighing your soul down, imagine what lost sheep like me have endured for most of our lives.  Long before this pandemic started, I've struggled with feelings of extreme isolation on a daily basis.  I didn't go out all that much before the stay-at-home orders were issued and in the past I've suffered from chronic unemployment.  Decade after decade have slipped by without many meaningful relationships and as you can see from this blog entry's introduction, friends continue to be a source of great disappointment.  I hate to say this but dealing with the isolation brought on by Covid-19 is old-hat because I have been reluctantly practicing a form of social distancing for a very long time.

I still put in long hours at work since my job has been deemed essential.  When my shift ends, I take care of my elderly mother and then help with dinner before retreating to my room.  I may watch a couple of hours of TV just to decompress but then like the movie Groundhog Day, the process repeats itself all over again.  Such a busy schedule leaves very little room for a social life but I am glad to get a paycheck every week especially when so many workers have lost their jobs.

My desire for attending trivia night may have disappeared for now, but with all the restaurant closures, I couldn't go anyway.  If there's something to be learned from the social isolation brought on by the Covid-19 virus, I hope people will remember to treasure the relationships they have and not take anyone's feelings of loneliness for granted.

My Problem is the Church's Problem Too

When I told a few fellow Catholics about my letter to Cardinal Sean O'Malley, someone asked why my inability to find a date was his problem in the first place.  The answer was quite simple.  The future health of the Catholic faith was at stake because when men and women who actually embrace the Church's teachings can no longer find spouses then it's a sign that something is very wrong with our society.

A few days after I said this, a story aired on Boston's Fox 25 News that highlighted an increasing trend among young couples: more and more of them are living together and bypassing marriage altogether. (https://www.boston25news.com/news/first-time-more-couples-have-lived-together-than-have-been-married/J73PNOD6ZRANNIMHN45TRSRWWQ/)  One couple interviewed had three kids out of wedlock and felt nothing was wrong with it.  What key factor helped contribute to the decline of marriage?  Religion was becoming less important in people's lives.  The story then claimed three fourths of Catholics no longer believed anything was wrong with cohabitation.  When behaviors that were once considered taboo are normalized, then those who accept the Church's teachings on sex and marriage become the marginalized.  That's why it's imperative the Catholic Church provide a haven for those still seeking the Sacrament of Holy Matrimony.

We are told good shepherds give their flock comfort.  They know the problems of their congregations and try to help.  Yet in all my years of being a Catholic, I have seen priests give great care and comfort to just about every kind of parishioner EXCEPT singles seeking marriage.  For some reason, our concerns rank lower than Aunt Mable's difficulty trying to bake her great grandmother's recipe for pecan pie and little Suzy's first adult tooth coming in.  There's always been some excuse for not helping us and now that fears of the Covid-19 virus have gripped society, the concerns of Catholic singles continue to be pushed further and further away from the minds of our shepherds. 

Dismissing that shy Catholic single who asks for help may not hurt a parish in the short term but it will have lasting damaging consequences for the Church in the long term.  When immoral behavior is seemingly rewarded, you will see more couples shack up.  You will see more broken families.  You will see more spiritually laziness.  When embracing the teachings of the Church only brings misery, isolation and loneliness you will see more young people turn their backs on the faith.  You will see more churches close.  You will see more parishes wither away.  You will see the New Evangelization fail.   If this doesn't motivate our shepherds to help Catholic singles, then it's likely nothing will shake them out of their lethargy.

During my discussion of this topic, a fellow Catholic who sympathized with my argument passed along a 2014 article from Crisis Magazine written by Anthony Esolen entitled “Who Will Rescue the Lost Sheep of the Lonely Revolution?”  Many parts of his column really hit home with me and I will close out this blog entry by posting those relevant excerpts here:

“Let me speak up for the young people who see the beauty of the moral law and the teachings of the Church, and who are blessed with noble aspirations, but who are given no help, none, from their listless parents, their listless churches, their crude and cynical classmates, their corrupted schools. These youths and maidens in a healthier time would be youths and maidens indeed, and when they married they would become the heart of any parish.”

“Let me speak up for the young people who do in fact follow the moral law and the teachings of the Church. Many of these are suffering intense loneliness. Have you bothered to notice? Have you considered all those young people who want to be married, who should be married, but who, because they will not play evil’s game, can find no one to marry? The girls who at age twenty-five and older have never even been asked on a date? The “men” languishing in a drawn-out adolescence? These people are among us; they are everywhere. Who gives them a passing thought? They are suffering for their faith, and no one cares. Do you care, leaders of my Church?” 

“What help do you give them? Do you not rather at every step exacerbate their suffering, when by your silence and your telling deeds you confirm in them the terrible fear that they have been played for chumps, that their own leaders do not believe, that they would have been happier in this world had they gone along with the world, and that their leaders would have smiled upon them had they done so?”

“Who speaks for the penitent, trying to place his confidence in a Church that cuts his heart right out, because she seems to take his sins less seriously than he does? Venturing forth into the margins, my leaders? You have not placed one toe outside of the plush rugs of your comfort. Do so, I beg you! Come and see all those whom the Lonely Revolution has hurt. Leave your parlors and come to the sheepfold!”

A Call To Action

Disappointed with Cardinal Sean O'Malley's response to my letter regarding the plight of Catholic singles seeking marriage, I decided to write to him again.    

Dear Cardinal Sean,

I am thankful for your prompt response to my letter regarding singles who are unable to fulfill their vocation to Holy Matrimony.  My pleas for help were a call to action not just for me but for the many Catholic singles who also feel abandoned by the Church.

My letter asked if anyone was giving much thought to those of us who are called to marriage but cannot find a spouse.  Unfortunately, this question remains unanswered and the only piece of advice you gave me was to get involved in activities in my local parish since you felt they provided the best opportunities “for developing friendships and relationships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.”  As I said before, the parishes that I've belonged to or visited have mostly elderly parishioners with some families so parish activities never offered good opportunities to meet like-minded adults seeking marriage.  Some people have suggested befriending those elderly parishioners since they could have daughters or grandchildren who are also seeking marriage but after many years of trying, it just hasn’t happened.  In fact, the reason I wrote to you was because our parishes have consistently failed to address the very real needs of singles seeking marriage.

Even though our struggles have gone largely unnoticed in real life, a quick search of the virtual world reveals numerous Catholic websites and blogs that have devoted considerable space to this topic.  These sites are usually filled with reader comments from brokenhearted singles who feel very hurt by the Church's indifference.  Perhaps you could check out some of these websites to better understand our plight?
   
For such a long time, I have asked for bread only to receive a stone.  The priests and bishops who have heard my pleas for help thank me for my strong faith but then do nothing.  Such a response risks weakening a person's faith and it has definitely weakened mine.  Please don't be so quick to dismiss the concerns I have brought to your attention.  My challenge to you and others in the Church is to start talking about this problem and to think about ways to bring singles together beyond the once-a-year National Catholic Singles Conference that many cannot attend due to cost and geographical distance.  The healthy future of our Catholic religion is at stake.

What will happen to all those elderly-filled parishes in the next 20 years?  Our priests might find themselves saying Mass in empty houses of worship.  It makes me wonder if places like the Carmelite Chapel will see another 60 years.  As Cardinal, your very presence attracts a large number of enthusiastic worshipers but this tends to skew the true number of parishioners who show up to Mass on a weekly basis.  Many of our parishes are dying a slow death but the response from my pastors over the years has been to focus on exterior things that do very little to increase the number of weekly worshipers like needless renovations to churches that are already beautiful.  Helping singles who actually want to get married and raise children in loving Catholic homes could be a great source of renewal for our suffering Church.

Not being able to fulfill your vocation is a very painful thing.  Imagine if someone had told you that you couldn't be a priest.  Would you simply accept this or would you feel like there was something missing in your life?  Embracing Catholic values automatically puts a person at odds with what our secular society holds dear so singles like me need the Church to be there for us.  I hope you will take some time to reflect upon what is written here and then take action.  Your prayers are most welcome but something more needs to be done. 

After mailing my letter, I viewed Cardinal Sean's blog and discovered he was in Rome attending a pro-life conference.  A few days later, he traveled to Spain so it was unlikely he would read my call to action anytime soon.  Once again it seems like our shepherds are too busy and too inaccessible to truly understand the needs of their lost sheep.

I also wondered if writing the Cardinal somehow placed my name and address on file with the Office of the Boston Archdiocese.  Did my letter get flagged and tossed into some kind of “loony bin” where it would never see the light of day?  If so, that would be very unfortunate because the Church is in serious trouble and our spiritual leaders can no longer afford to ignore the pleas of its Catholic singles.

A Letter from the Cardinal

A little over two weeks had passed since I handed Cardinal Sean O'Malley my letter regarding the struggles of Catholic singles when his reply arrived in the mail.  The quick response time seemed like a good sign but I feared receiving nothing more than a generic form letter.  The Cardinal wrote:

Allow me this moment to acknowledge your letter presented following my celebration of Mass in observance of the 60th Anniversary of the Carmelite Chapel at he North Shore Mall.  Thank you for taking the time to join us for that wonderful celebration.

Please know of my appreciation for sharing with me your very personal reflection concerning your seeking marriage in the Church with a faithful Catholic woman.  The vocation of marriage is indeed of great importance in the life of the Church and the witness a Catholic husband and wife is of great value.

It is commendable that you have given significant time and effort to work with the life of the Church in pursuit of Catholic marriage.  Regarding opportunities for interacting with women who also would be seeking that vocation, it might be that involvement in activities in the local parish would provide the best opportunities.  As you note, parishes do promote programs for families, young adults and vocations.  It has been my experience that parishes also offer opportunities for developing friendships and relationships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.  I pray that your dedication and commitment to the vocation of Catholic marriage will be fulfilled through the life of the Church.

With the assurance of a remembrance in my prayer for you and all whom you hold dear, I remain

Sincerely yours in Christ,

Sean O'Malley

Archbishop of Boston

After reading the letter, my heart sank.  For a very well-worded document, it really didn't say much of anything.  In fact, the only concern of mine that Cardinal O'Malley specifically addressed was about my struggles as a single on the parish level...but he completely missed the point!  My reason for writing him in the first place was because our churches have not been providing help for their singles since most parishioners tend to be elderly or families.  Despite the Cardinal's assurances, parish activities offer no “opportunities for developing friendships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.”

In that moment, I felt so very low.  Had I been someone important, perhaps the Cardinal would have been more receptive to my heartfelt pleas.  But I'm just a nobody and once again our clergy has demonstrated they can't even begin to understand the difficulties single Catholics with a call to Holy Matrimony face.

Instead of giving me a sense of comfort and making me feel closer to God, Cardinal Sean's letter left me a little angry.  I have endured a tremendous amount of ridicule and loneliness for the sake of my Catholic faith.  We need our shepherds to be there for us especially when we ask for their help.

A Letter to the Cardinal

The dedication plaque at the entrance to the Carmelite Chapel

Earlier this month, the priests running Carmelite Chapel in the Northshore Mall decided to celebrate the house of worship's 60th anniversary with a Mass led by Cardinal Sean O'Malley.  I figured this would be a good opportunity to let him know about the struggles many Catholic singles faced.

I planned to write his eminence a letter and then hand it to him after Mass but there was so much to discuss, it became difficult to narrow everything down.  Thanks to a busy work schedule, the end of the week arrived and I still hadn't typed anything up yet.  About an hour before Mass, I cleared my mind and just put pen to paper.

Dear Cardinal Sean,

I was wondering if anyone in our Holy Church is giving much thought to those of us who are called to marriage but cannot find a spouse?  The “Catholic singles crisis” seems to be talked about on blogs but very little is done on the parish or regional level to help those of us who struggle to fulfill their vocation to marriage. 

On an average day, the Carmelite Chapel sees fewer than 5 worshipers under the age of 50 during Mass.  Other parishes that I've been to have mostly elderly with some families and a few young adults but singles like me seem to be far and few in between.  Parish activities so far have only focused on families, prayer, or encouraging vocations to the priesthood.  Why isn't more being done to encourage marriage?

I've asked 3 pastors, two bishops, and several priests this only to be dismissed over the decades.  When I wanted to form my own young adult group at St. Mary's in Beverly, the pastor at the time shot this idea down.  Now I have long “aged out” of being in any young adult group.  Catholic singles are invisible to most people in the Church.  I can't understand this.  With dwindling attendance at Mass, shouldn't the Church do much more to bring singles together to get married and have families that are raised in loving Catholic homes?

I think men who see life-long celibacy as a virtue don't see what a defeat it is if you have been called to marriage.  Being single is lonely and at times painful.  I am called to Holy Matrimony but have no way to fulfill this calling.  When you embrace the Church's moral values, it shrinks the dating pool significantly and as the years go by, it becomes so much more difficult to find a good Catholic spouse.

One priest said to me, “40 is the new 30.  You still have time to have a family.”  40 is 40.  Women at that age face increasing infertility.  (Satan laughs when devout Catholic women who still seek a husband can no longer have children.)  Another priest suggested I try Catholic internet dating.  I have and these websites are terrible.  There are very few active members on them despite their claims of large numbers of singles and only a small fraction of people on these sites actually find spouses.

Something more needs to be done at the Church level.  Priests, the Pope and you need to help Catholic singles.  (A once-a-year conference in some far away state just doesn't do anything to help people like me.)  Start talking about this problem.  Stop selling me a vocation to the priesthood.  This is not my calling.  It is also not God's will either.  Please help us black sheep of the Catholic Church.
   
When I finished writing this letter, the Mass had already started and by the time I arrived at the unusually packed Carmelite Chapel, Cardinal Sean's sermon was over.  After Mass, Cardinal O'Malley stayed in the chapel's hallway to greet parishioners.  Now was my chance.  I shook his hand and asked if I could give him a letter that shared my perspective on being a Catholic single adding, “It's nothing mean.”  He smiled and said yes so I handed him the letter, thanked him and then went on my way.  I don't have high hopes anything will come of this but I had to try.  At the very least, Cardinal O'Malley now knows there are Catholic singles out there who need his (and the Church's) help.  He can choose to do something about it or he can dismiss my pleas like so many clergy have done before.

Caregiving's Double Whammy

A fellow co-worker who also helps his elderly mother with her health needs once told me about a billboard he saw while driving into Boston.  The advertisement for AARP featured a child with her mother and then that same child as an adult with her elderly mother behind the caption “Roles Change.”  He admitted seeing this made him feel a little sad.  In my opinion, one of the most painful things about being a caregiver for an elderly parent is seeing them suffer.  These once able-bodied people brought us into the world and sacrificed so much to make sure we had good upbringings but now they rely on us for some of their most basic needs.  

As if this wasn't enough, caregiving can also cut us down in another way by seriously stunting our social lives.  My mother doesn't drive anymore so it's up to me to take her to doctors appointments, food shopping, Mass or wherever else she wants to go.  Coupled with my busy work schedule, this leaves very little “me time” beyond decompressing in front of the TV or computer for a while.  I imagine how great it would be to spend those hours hanging out with a girlfriend.  Too bad we can't save all that wasted time for when better days finally arrive.

When my mother and I go to a restaurant for lunch or dinner there's usually only elderly patrons around so the chances of even seeing a pretty girl are slim to none.  There have even been times when we have gone to a restaurant in the early afternoon after a doctor's appointment and the place is devoid of customers.  Talk about a portrait of isolation with all those empty chairs and tables.

And then there are those many doctors appointments.  I get to see other people (mostly elderly) in waiting rooms who are in various degrees of suffering.  As terrible as all this sounds, I'm glad to make these sacrifices for my mother even though I long for a more balanced life.  In the Bible it's written “My child, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if his mind fails, be patient with him; because you have all your faculties do not despise him.  For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, and will be credited to you against your sins.”  I'm the only one my mother has to help her out and nothing brings this point home more than when she leans on me when we walk somewhere.

You'd think all of this would be seen as a positive by eligible single women.  Here's a guy who is putting his life on hold to care for a loved one.  He is going above and beyond to make sure family comes first.  If he does all of this for his mother, he will certainly be there for his future wife too.  But I find most women don't think like this at all.  They see a caregiver as a mamma's boy whose life isn't where it should be.  Our sacrifices instill fears that we could wind up paying more attention to our parents than them.  Over the years, there's been only one female around my age who thought my efforts as a caregiver were admirable, but then again, she was just a friend and didn't have to date me! 

After checking out the Catholic internet dating scene for a while now, I am amazed by all the women who say how important it is for their prince charming to be “goal-oriented” and “established” in his career.  As a caregiver, my career path isn't where I'd like it to be but I still make money.  This could be seen as a positive.  Here's a guy who sucked up his pride and got back on his feet with a lower-status job when life threw him for a loop.  Isn't that preferable to the man who lost his high-status job and wastes a lot of time searching for something similar?

With all of my mother's health issues, I am not that goal-oriented right now because we live our lives one day at a time.  You'd think on a Catholic dating website, moral choices would win out over secular ones but as someone once pointed out to me, women like stability.  It's ingrained into their genetics.  If they are the ones who have children, then the man is seen as the provider and the more success in his life, the more attractive he becomes.  If that's the case, then being a caregiver must make me one very unattractive guy.