Larry Bud once suggested I read his comments from other blogs so he wouldn't have to repeat himself. What I found was one theory repeated over and over again like a broken record. According to him, the Catholic Church was in decline because parishes no longer served as social networks where parishioners felt they were part of a community. He said mixers, dances, carnivals and other gatherings gave singles an opportunity to meet each other without the pressure of a narrowly-focused singles ministry that was doomed to fail. He also stated your parents and grandparents likely met each other at these parish-wide gatherings which according to him, fell out of favor sometime in the 1980s. Perhaps there is some truth to Larry Bud's hypothesis but an experience at my former parish last month leads me to believe there's more to it than that.
St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly hosted a free “jazz brunch” after the 10:45 AM Mass and when I told a friend about it, he wanted to go. Apparently it was something of a Mardi Gras celebration. At best, the gathering would feature breakfast foods like pancakes and eggs along with actual jazz musicians. At worst, there would be coffee and donuts with the “jazz” performed by old white guys from the parish.
We arrived at the church's function hall early so Mass was still going on upstairs. A few volunteers were setting up the food which consisted of mini subs, cookies and pastries. I think they forgot the “b” in brunch stood for breakfast. On the tables were Mardi Gras beads and in one corner were items for a silent auction. People started to trickle in after Mass but only a small percentage of the congregation actually attended. My friend and I sat at a smaller table by ourselves but almost immediately, an elderly lady sat right next to us. She chatted up a storm and occasionally gave me pats on the arm and shoulder. Argh! The “jazz” band were indeed old white guys from the parish who played dixieland.
Almost all of the attendees were elderly or families. When a handful of people my age arrived, they sat by themselves and left after about twenty minutes. One woman from this group used to run our parish's young adult ministry several years ago and was fully aware of my struggles as a Catholic single. Not once did she say hi or introduce me to her friends. Am I really that invisible? In fact, no one from St. Mary's wondered why my mother and I had stopped attending Mass here. Therein lies the flaw in Larry Bud's theory. Parish-wide events don't automatically create social networks or a sense of community. St. Mary's has had many all-inclusive gatherings over the years but when singles like me attend, we still feel disconnected because we just can't find what we're looking for.
Larry Bud is vehemently against singles ministries and matchmaking events because he feels they don't work. I think the reason they come up short is the same reason why all-inclusive parish gatherings seem so lame nowadays. There just aren't enough singles or younger people attending Mass in the first place. Society has become more skeptical and spiritually lazy so churches cannot count on a large number of worshipers to be active in parish life anymore. This could explain why those all-inclusive gatherings have dropped off in the past few decades. (Perhaps the same handful of volunteers who set up these events get tired of having to do all the work.)
There's nothing inherently wrong with ministries that target certain segments of the population. An elderly widow will have very different spiritual needs than a young couple starting a family. Several years ago, the Archdiocese of Boston held a regional gathering for young adults that attracted singles from many different parishes. Had the event featured something more than prayers and lectures, I think it could have done wonders to bring those seeking marriage together.
If you can't find your fellow Catholic singles at Mass, chances are you won't be able to find them at a hokey parish function inundated with kids and the elderly. My mother had to look beyond her church to find a spouse because she just wasn't compatible with any of the Catholic men in the neighborhood. This is what can happen when we limit the dating pool to the local level. My hometown is filled with far too many small-minded people so even if parish activities at St. Mary's were well-attended by every age group, it's doubtful there would be anyone there for me.
