The Art of Somewhat Presentable

The internet has no shortage of people who feel they can offer you advice for improving your life and one type of video I checked out over the past few months focused on the gentlemanly art of dressing well. These YouTube videos are usually bare-bones productions and feature a man dressed in a suit and necktie offering advice on how to wear formal fashions. He might give an opinion on the best color neckties to wear with a certain type of suit. He might suggest paying more money for quality products that will look better and last longer. There's a pretty good chance the term “sartorial” might be used which is actually derived from the Latin word “sartor” and means tailor.

One of the hosts of these videos discussed the benefits of dressing well. While not scientific by any means, he admitted to using his own experiences to draw certain conclusions. The big takeaway from his observations was: formal wear did carry with it certain psychological power over ourselves and others. Firstly, he noticed people treated him nicer if he was wearing a suit and tie. Formal wear improved his social interactions with strangers and often people just wanted to engage in small talk with him even if it was to say, “You look sharp.”

He theorized dressing well set a certain tone on a subconscious level. It sent the message that here was a man with the discipline to be polished and well-groomed. If he had to attend a function, his fashion sense let the people there know that he took them seriously enough to actually put some thought into how he looked.

Secondly, dressing like a gentleman boosted his own self-confidence. He claimed that if you dressed well, you stood a little taller and you walked with a little more swagger in your step. He even claimed that people would respect you more and you'd get increased attention from women.

I had to take all of this with a grain of salt because the man hosting these videos also traveled in social circles where a suit and tie weren't so out of place. For a side hustle, he's a motivational speaker for businessmen and is often surrounded by those who dress formally as part of their workplace uniform. One of the places where he had been treated nicely by total strangers was of all things...a luxury hotel. I wondered how the public would react if he found himself riding a dingy subway train to the inner city.

I make good use of the area's thrift stores and love finding nice clothes for very little money. Some of those fashions do include suits, blazers, dressy shirts and ties. The problem is, I have very little opportunity to wear such fancy outfits. Even at church not very many people get dressed up anymore. About ten years ago, our pastor tried inspiring us to look more formal by presenting the same argument that YouTube host made: We were here to worship Jesus so our clothes should be an outward expression of how seriously we took that endeavor. Wasn't the almighty worthy of spending a little extra time to be more thoughtful with our fashion choices? Only a few parishioners decided to give it a try and after a while, our pastor abandoned this effort. The tidal wave of causal dressers won out in the end but would Jesus really care about such things anyway?

Contrary to what the YouTube host said about dressing like a gentleman, I often feel awkward wearing a suit and tie because almost everyone else is dressed like a slob. I don't make enough money to seek out the fancy locales where such fashions would blend in like that aforementioned luxury hotel. I also have a sneaking suspicion that the kind of women who would respond favorably to such fancy clothes are probably too high maintenance and way out of my league.

After watching these videos, I used my own experiences to draw certain conclusions. Despite what ZZ Top said about “a sharp dressed man” I've seen no benefit to dressing formally. A few old ladies at church might compliment me on my outfits but good luck trying to hear it from a woman my own age. Even wearing gentlemanly fashions on Catholic Match didn't get me anywhere. The fact is, the men I see with wives and kids are the ones who make no effort to dress nicely. These guys usually select fashions that make them look like overgrown children yet they're married and I'm not.

Our culture has definitely embraced that “letting it all hang out” look and several months will pass before I see another guy wearing a necktie. I can't even remember the last time I saw a woman out in public with a nice dress on. Shorts, graphic t-shirts, yoga pants, muffin tops and butt cracks seem to be the order of the day. While good Christians shouldn't get caught up judging people on outward appearances, it would be nice in a society that claims to be "diverse" if more people put in an extra effort to look somewhat presentable.

What Happened, America?

Sometimes the relationships we have with our relatives can be a bit puzzling. People you hardly see and don't really know share this connection with you that automatically allows them to enter your life even if you don't have much in common. There are many relatives I never see outside of weddings and funerals despite promises to get together sometime just for the sake of hanging out. Further complicating matters is the different family dynamic between my mother's relatives and my father's relatives.

My mom's side of the family is best described as passive-aggressive and filled with dysfunction. Gatherings with these people usually involves having dinner at a restaurant somewhere and pretending we all get along even though there are some deep-seated resentments lying just below the surface. All it takes is one wrong remark for a decades old trauma to bubble over.

With my dad's side of the family, what you see is what you get and that amounts to some pretty boisterous people who embrace life's pleasures even when it becomes detrimental. Getting together with them usually involves a big party at someone's house with lots of food, music, alcohol and cigarettes.

During the summer of 2024, my mother and I received some shocking news: One of my cousins who was only in her 50s died of a drug overdose. We had no idea she was a user but as I would find out later, some of my relatives were very aware of this fact and thought it was only a matter of time before something like this happened. We had last seen my cousin two years ago and before that, I couldn't tell you when we got together since it was so long ago.

At the funeral, my mother and I experienced some culture shock as many mourners felt it was appropriate to dress in jeans, short pants and t-shirts. I sat behind my deceased cousin's estranged husband and wound up staring at the pit bull tattoo scrawled on the back of his neck. I wondered just what kind of crowd she had fallen in with. Later, I found out the “friends” she did drugs with left her to die when they saw her in distress. The reverend's eulogy did not shy away from my cousin's drug habit and sadly, speaking at funerals like this was a specialty of his that was in demand. He acknowledged the people in the crowd who had “pre-mourned” my cousin and said the two questions most often asked in situations like these began with “What if...?” and “If only...?” Relatives said my cousin had rejected any offers for help and even denied there was a problem.

My cousin's father held the reception at his house and insisted on having everyone back a few days later for their family's annual Independence Day celebration. It was a summertime tradition that he wanted to keep going despite the recent tragedy. My mother and I never went to these parties but decided to go this time around just to show our support.

When we arrived, almost everyone was overweight and overindulging including cousins who were years younger than me. A few of these relatives didn't even have wives. They had long-term girlfriends who they lived with and had children with. So much for courtship first, then marriage, then sex and then children. Such a spectacle made me ask myself, “What happened, America?”

These people were supposedly the more politically conservative members of the family but they seemed to lack some very traditional Christian values like moderation and appropriateness. Did lust and gluttony get omitted from the list of seven deadly sins? I was torn between not judging them and being upset with their devil-may-care attitudes. In the Bible, Jesus embraced tax collectors, adulterers, prostitutes and other sinners BUT he told them to sin no more. That's the other side of the coin feel-good religions usually ignore.

Our country has lost its sense of shame. At one time, the fear of societal disapproval actually kept a good number of people from embracing such hedonistic tendencies. Now we have to accept everything no matter how inappropriate it may seem. The Church's pro-life morals are even twisted around to undermine its views on chastity with relatives being happy that my cousin's girlfriend kept her baby while looking the other way when it came to abstinence and marriage. Once again, society was rewarding people with loose morals while those who saved themselves for marriage were condemned to a life of loneliness. I wondered, “If these people weren't related to me, would I have anything to do with them?”

What happened to my relatives seems indicative of American culture these days. Society promotes excess and people lack the willpower and common sense to resist. It's not enough to have a hamburger. Now you have to put bacon, an egg, onion rings and BBQ sauce on it. So many Americans today are overweight, unhealthy, in debt...and most importantly UNHAPPY. My cousin who passed away was certainly missing something in her life.

A sermon from years ago once described us as having God-sized holes in our souls. Sometimes we tried filling that hole with drugs and sometimes we tried filling it with money. Sometimes we tried filling it with sex and sometimes we tried filling it with food. Unfortunately, no amount of gluttony can remove such an emptiness because what we really need in our lives is God's love and that's hard to find when we're drowning in excess.