The Church Has A Point About Porn

It's a very interesting thing when the Catholic Church and various online sex and relationship coaches find themselves in agreement since the former preaches modesty and saving the sex act for marriage while the latter embraces hedonism and sexual experimentation. Yet in this instance, both camps warn against the dangers of pornography.

From the online coach's point of view, porn creates a warped view of sex because what is shown is not very realistic at all. Instead of tenderness and intimacy, sex in pornography is cold and mechanical. The act itself becomes purely self-serving and takes into account camera angles and lighting more than it does the woman's pleasure or well-being. These coaches warn men: If you try to emulate what's seen in porn, chances are you'll have a pretty unhealthy sex life. A married friend of mine confirmed this by telling me, “Sex in real life is not like porn at all.”

The other thing these online coaches warn about is pornography's addictive nature. Much like a drug, that exciting feeling you get from those initial viewings tends to wane over time so you keep having to raise the bar to prevent boredom from setting in. This usually means seeking out novelty and fetishism just to feel any kind of sexual excitement at all. Therein lies the trap. You're mentally conditioning yourself to find desire in sex that does very little to please a woman.

One of these online coaches put it this way: In the old days when men lived much of their lives without easy access to pornography, they'd be turned on by just seeing the bare shoulder of a woman. Compare that to the modern guy with a porn addiction who has seen just about every sex act imaginable and it's still not enough. Another online coach admitted porn destroyed his sex drive because he became too focused on one particular fetish and couldn't get turned on any other way. He has since stopped watching pornography and found that over time, his sex drive has recovered. I feel sorry for younger generations because they have instant access to so much while my generation had to settle for still photos every once in a great while. You could say both realities are bad but at least we used our imaginations instead of mindlessly staring at a screen.

In the previous blog entry, I mentioned recording some softcore Cinemax movies with my friend's VCR back in the 1990s. After their novelty wore off, I put these tapes in a box and never watched them again. Many years later, I thought about an actresses who appeared in one of these movies and decided to look her up. To my shock and sadness, she was dead. Her acting career had declined, she endured a string of marriages and a few months after giving birth to a daughter, she killed herself. The more details I discovered about this person's life, the more I realized what a troubled soul she was. Suddenly, that sex scene of hers could never be seen the same way ever again.

Part of the Church's reasoning behind its negative view of pornography is that it robs people of their basic human dignity. This actress was a real person with real hopes and dreams and problems. That movie dehumanized her by reducing her to nothing more than a sex object for men's desires. After looking up another actress from those movies, I learned she had been raped as a child. Some of these actresses are very broken people and the porn industry feeds on exploiting them. Is this the kind of thing good Christian men should be supporting?

A few years ago, my parish had a lecture on Catholic values and for one exercise, we were asked to turn to the person in the pew next to us and stare into their eyes for a minute. While doing this, some of us couldn't help but to crack a smile. If the eyes were the window to the soul, we chuckled at the joy of another human being. In that moment, the person next to me was no longer just a stranger. The lecture then continued by saying the Church believed each one of us had worth and value since we were all created in God's image.

As we live life, it's so easy to dehumanize our fellow man. I might have a few choice words for the guy who cut me off in traffic without ever knowing his motivations. I might make a threat assessment on a group of teenagers walking toward me in a dimly lit subway station. It's part of our “animal brain” way of thinking and sometimes we can't help it. Other times we can. Do we see the soul behind the face of that actress in the porn movie? She was someone's daughter. She might be someone's mother. How would we feel about her sex scene if that was our daughter in that movie?

While I do believe in having a healthy fantasy life and that we shouldn't be too hard on our young people who are still trying to figure life out, we must always be on guard that our fantasies aren't actually harming us in the long run or supporting an industry that is incredibly harmful to people. Most importantly, we must make sure to embrace the wisdom of the Church by trying to see the dignity of each and every one of us.

Running Into the Arms of Porn

           Howard Wolowitz                

I must have lived a very sheltered life because even in my early-20s, I had never seen pornographic videos before. Nude photos in an old magazine or a racy sex scene in a movie was all that I had ever known. I was so pathetic back then, I remember lusting after commercials for a pay-per-view program called The Bikini Open but since we didn't have cable television, there was no way I could have seen it. Yet, when my brother found a stash of “x-rated” videos hidden in the trunk of my dad's car, I refused to watch them because I felt it crossed a line.

As I entered my mid-20s, finding a girlfriend was still a very elusive thing. Not helping the situation were a few aspects of my life that seriously handicapped the odds of being successful at dating. I was out of college, underemployed, too shy to regularly go out to clubs and bars and somewhat of a geek. My hobbies were either dominated by grumpy old men or involved spending a lot of time alone. With very few quality friendships, I usually hung out with people who often annoyed me or weren't the best influence. One friend in particular tended to make morally questionable choices. We had grown up together since the second grade and loved playing army, watching science fiction, and riding our bikes back then but as we got older, he smoked pot, slept around and watched porn.

As a few more years passed with still with no girlfriend in sight, that friend now had a few premium channels on cable and out of curiosity, I watched some of those 1990s softcore Cinemax movies. I found it laughable that these programs actually had plots which were usually terrible because 99% of all guys watched these movies just for the women. These Cinemax movies aired late at night so with the help of my TV Guide, I'd have him program his VCR to record a few for me.

Perhaps I should not have done this but I liked to call these movies “junk food for the soul.” If you were a starving man and the only thing around to eat was an unhealthy candy bar, you'd eat the candy bar no matter how bad it was for you. Maybe you'd regret it later on but in that moment, you didn't want to starve to death. That's the way I thought about these videos. After feeling so lonely for so long, at least these Cinemax movies made me feel something other than emptiness. They reminded me that I was a sexual being filled with passions that I wanted to share with another. Like that candy bar, I often felt regret after watching these videos because I had wasted so much time and they were no substitute for a relationship with a real woman.

It would have been so nice to have a girlfriend in my mid-20s because all that wasted time could have been spent building a relationship with her, passing new milestones together and trying to figure out how to love another human being romantically. Even though well-meaning people would tell me, “There's someone for everyone.” and “You'll meet the right one soon.” none of their words seemed to ring true.

Now inching into my late-20s, that bad influence of a friend started watching hardcore porn and if he had it playing in the background, I didn't tell him to turn it off. (I was still pretty clueless about what actual sexual intercourse even looked like.)  Around this time, a friend of a friend who I saw occasionally was also starting to become a bad influence. He was a couch potato, totally unsuccessful with women and watched porn too. If the choice was to sit at home and do nothing or get together with these people, I'd usually hang out with them even though I prayed to God for better friends. Sadly, my prayers were never answered as I entered my 30s.

Years ago, a woman in an online Catholic chat room posted a video of a priest's sermon where he decried pornography by saying it was the number one cause of why men didn't want to enter the priesthood. I thought it was typical of what was wrong with our Church today. Firstly, this man of the cloth's primary concern was with men not becoming priests but he didn't seem to care about the single men who desired Holy Matrimony. There was also talk of how porn destroyed marriages and families. Again, he missed the mark when it came to singles.

Secondly, (and this is something many Catholic women do all the time) he underestimated how strong an average guy's sexual desires really were. If men don't get what they want out of life, they'll usually look for an outlet somewhere else even if it's detrimental to them in the long term. There's no way I ever wanted to hang out with loser friends in my 20s and watch porn yet here we were.

During this online chat, I brought up the character of Howard Wolowitz from the TV sitcom Big Bang Theory and explained how he was creepy and obsessed with porn because he was so lonely. When a good strong woman entered his life, he turned himself around, got rid of the porn, and became one of the most well-adjusted characters on the show. I made the case that yes, while there are inept creepers out there who will never change, many men would rather not embrace porn. We tend to see it as a last resort when the only other option is to feel dead inside.

I got slammed for sharing this opinion and one guy accused me of justifying the porn industry. I wasn't doing anything of the sort. I was merely saying that when Catholics complain about men like me but do nothing practical to help change such behaviors, they risk sending us running into the arms of porn.

Punchline of a Cosmic Joke

After high school, I continued to save sex for marriage and suffered all the slings and arrows as a result. However, there was no safe harbor for people who made this decision despite the growing popularity of the “What Would Jesus Do?” trend which basically amounted to nothing more than a few young people wearing W.W.J.D. bracelets. I also remember talk of purity rings back then but in liberal Massachusetts that idea never caught on either.

During a meeting at St. Mary's rectory in the 1990s, I saw a magazine called You! which was geared toward the Catholic Church's young people. On the cover of one issue was singer Amy Grant and on another was actor John Stamos. I questioned the latter's commitment to the Church's views on sexuality given his rock star image and wondered if the publisher had trouble finding qualified role models.

While some TV shows like Blossom, Beverly Hills 90210, Family Matters and L.A. Law respectfully portrayed characters who refrained from sex, many others like Seinfeld used virginity as comedy relief. Then came the film The 40 Year Old Virgin which only reinforced the notion that late adulthood virginity was a result of ineptitude rather than a beautiful moral choice. One of my friends who thinks the Church's values are foolish occasionally teases me by quoting this movie's line, “What you just gotta do is just get you a bunch of these hood rats...”

During high school and college, I was eager to defend the Church's values at the drop of a hat but as the years passed, I found myself living in the closet in order to smooth things over with the vast majority of people who just couldn't understand. When a married coworker talked about how awkward he was in high school, he admitted to losing his virginity “very late in life” at age 18. I pretended to sympathize with his plight. On more than one occasion, I was put on the spot by coworkers who wanted to know about my past sexual experiences. I either made up a number or said that I didn't really talk about such things. Situations like these are painful because like St. Peter, I was denying a very important aspect of my faith.

I did share my secret with a married Catholic female coworker who never embraced the Church's values on premarital sex. We exchanged knowing looks when Friends was on the television in the break room and the episode airing featured a high school student comically losing his virginity to Monica.

If virginity isn't played for laughs then it's often viewed by society as something of a sideshow attraction...curiosity mixed with disbelief. That was the reaction when actress Rebel Wilson wrote in her autobiography that she didn't lose her virginity until the age of 35. Woke newscasters couldn't mock her “choice” but they found it odd to say the least. Despite our culture of diversity, there was simply no room to consider how waiting so long to have sex could be a laudable goal. Remember when Olympian Lolo Jones gained more fame for her decision to save herself for marriage than for her sporting abilities?

During a recent interview on the Jimmy Kimmel Show, the host embarrassed Kirsten Dunst by reading an old interview she did for Teen Magazine where the actress said she and all her friends were proud virgins having attended Catholic school. Like many who once professed these values but no longer embraced them, she tried to distance herself from her old remarks and found them humiliating.

Even abstinence's one-time role model, Brooke Shields admitted that she lost her virginity during college and was so guilt-ridden by the experience, she tumbled out of bed and ran out of the dorm room naked. She now regrets waiting so long to have sex because she missed out on “a sense of joy and freedom” and largely blames her mother for forcing abstinence upon her. What a role model, but even Lolo Jones partially blames her lackluster performance in sports on her virginity.

On YouTube we see social experiment videos played for laughs when a guy being filmed with a hidden camera blurts out to passing women, “I'm a virgin!” Another video asks women if they would sleep with a virgin. Most of the amused respondents answer with a resounding no because they figure there's something wrong with the guy or he won't know what to do in bed. And then there's the Virginity Exchange on Reddit where dateless wonders (mostly guys) plead for someone to sleep with them for the first time. There aren't many things in the world that are more pathetic.

If abstinence did indeed have some kind of counterculture edginess to it during the 1990s, it's mostly viewed as creepy, comical or sad in today's day and age. For those Catholics who took the Church's stance on premarital sex seriously and never wavered from it, there needs to be a place we can call home...where our moral decision can be seen as an attractive and rewarding one instead of the punchline of a cosmic joke.

Great Sacrifice Demands Great Reward

The last blog entry mentioned some of the statistics my educators in Sunday school and Catholic high school used to promote the Church's views on premarital sex: Couples who saved themselves for marriage enjoyed increased happiness and fewer divorce rates. While such claims helped buttress my decision to forgo sex until marriage, there was more to it than that.

Even as a teenager with raging hormones, I saw the beauty of two people who had abstained from sex their whole lives joining in the bonds of Holy Matrimony. Without even knowing each other, they chose to make a huge sacrifice in the here and now for an unseen future together. Despite all the pressures and temptations an oversexed society forced upon them, they would still be able to say to each other, “I saved myself for you.”

While my classmates were sowing their wild oats, I wanted to be with just one woman. I wanted a relationship where we would grow together, truly know each other and pass every milestone together. Of course, it didn't hurt that my Catholic high school nuns talked about how saving yourself for marriage was the ultimate gift you could give your spouse. It was also the time of AIDS and a common phrase meant to scare us was, “When you sleep with someone, you're sleeping with everyone they ever had sex with.” Most of us took that statement with a grain of salt.

For me, the Church's views on premarital sex just made sense and as a devout Christian, I always tried defending these values even if it brought ridicule. When I told a friend about my decision to save myself for marriage and my hope to find a spouse who had done the same she said the only way I'd ever accomplish that would be to move down south and marry a redneck. At one high school party, the host's older brother made some wisecrack about how I should sleep with one of my female friends. When I asserted my belief in the Church's teachings, he blurted out in front of all the guests, “You need to get laid!” One of my aunts doubted my moral convictions and proclaimed at some point I'd have sex outside of marriage. Well, she's long dead and I'm still a virgin.

My steadfastness wasn't a result of being a dateless wonder either because there were one or two opportunities to lose my virginity in high school had I chosen to pursue it. Some of my friends thought I should have gotten sex over with whether it was good, awkward or not so great but my standards were much higher than that.

I found somewhat of a role model in Brooke Shields when she reluctantly admitted on the Arsenio Hall Show that she was still a virgin. (At the time, I was unaware of the fuss she made a few years earlier on the subject.) The 1990s saw various campaigns to promote abstinence and one involved billboards with the word VIRGIN spray painted in bold letters. Below that a caption read, “Teach your kid it's not a dirty word.” The Rush Limbaugh television show featured professional basketball player A.C. Green's efforts to encourage young people to save themselves for marriage. A slightly cool counterculture vibe started to emerge and along with the more conservative elements of the “straight edge” subculture some young people were pushing back against a society that seemed far too immoral and exploitative.

Despite all this, however, it was still largely uncool to hold onto these views and one by one most of my friends from Catholic high school rejected the Church's teachings regarding premarital sex. Oddly enough, one female friend admitted to me that she respected my moral fortitude and thought my beliefs were right even though she was sexually active. (All the good it did.)

For all the ridicule and isolation the decision to save sex for marriage brought, it didn't really bother me at the time because I never lost sight of that beautiful vision for marriage and sexuality my Catholic educators presented. Sure, abstinence was a great sacrifice but the reward was also great. While there are no guarantees in life, we usually give something up to get something worth struggling for. Why do we do good things even when it's a major inconvenience? To get into heaven. Why do we work long hours in jobs we can't stand? To provide for ourselves, our family and hopefully a better future.

My Catholic educators didn't say, “Sleep with whoever you want because in the end it doesn't matter.” If that were the case, then why did I save sex for marriage in the first place? The reward should match the sacrifice and if a career no longer offers just compensation for our hard work, don't we demand more money? Don't we start to question staying in that job?

Some people in the online dating community have actually told me my hope to marry a fellow Catholic who also saved themselves for marriage is wrong because “fetishizing virginity” is not what the Church is all about. (Keep in mind, this is the same faith that venerates the Virgin Mary, demands celibacy for priests and has consecrated virgins.) I couldn't help but think what kind of message it sends our young people if everyone who ignored the Church's teachings reap all the rewards while those who stayed true to those teachings are forced to endure a lifetime of empty suffering.

A Letter from the Cardinal

A little over two weeks had passed since I handed Cardinal Sean O'Malley my letter regarding the struggles of Catholic singles when his reply arrived in the mail.  The quick response time seemed like a good sign but I feared receiving nothing more than a generic form letter.  The Cardinal wrote:

Allow me this moment to acknowledge your letter presented following my celebration of Mass in observance of the 60th Anniversary of the Carmelite Chapel at he North Shore Mall.  Thank you for taking the time to join us for that wonderful celebration.

Please know of my appreciation for sharing with me your very personal reflection concerning your seeking marriage in the Church with a faithful Catholic woman.  The vocation of marriage is indeed of great importance in the life of the Church and the witness a Catholic husband and wife is of great value.

It is commendable that you have given significant time and effort to work with the life of the Church in pursuit of Catholic marriage.  Regarding opportunities for interacting with women who also would be seeking that vocation, it might be that involvement in activities in the local parish would provide the best opportunities.  As you note, parishes do promote programs for families, young adults and vocations.  It has been my experience that parishes also offer opportunities for developing friendships and relationships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.  I pray that your dedication and commitment to the vocation of Catholic marriage will be fulfilled through the life of the Church.

With the assurance of a remembrance in my prayer for you and all whom you hold dear, I remain

Sincerely yours in Christ,

Sean O'Malley

Archbishop of Boston

After reading the letter, my heart sank.  For a very well-worded document, it really didn't say much of anything.  In fact, the only concern of mine that Cardinal O'Malley specifically addressed was about my struggles as a single on the parish level...but he completely missed the point!  My reason for writing him in the first place was because our churches have not been providing help for their singles since most parishioners tend to be elderly or families.  Despite the Cardinal's assurances, parish activities offer no “opportunities for developing friendships with like-minded adults including women of like age who are seeking the fulfillment and stability of a Catholic spouse.”

In that moment, I felt so very low.  Had I been someone important, perhaps the Cardinal would have been more receptive to my heartfelt pleas.  But I'm just a nobody and once again our clergy has demonstrated they can't even begin to understand the difficulties single Catholics with a call to Holy Matrimony face.

Instead of giving me a sense of comfort and making me feel closer to God, Cardinal Sean's letter left me a little angry.  I have endured a tremendous amount of ridicule and loneliness for the sake of my Catholic faith.  We need our shepherds to be there for us especially when we ask for their help.

Caregiving's Double Whammy

A fellow co-worker who also helps his elderly mother with her health needs once told me about a billboard he saw while driving into Boston.  The advertisement for AARP featured a child with her mother and then that same child as an adult with her elderly mother behind the caption “Roles Change.”  He admitted seeing this made him feel a little sad.  In my opinion, one of the most painful things about being a caregiver for an elderly parent is seeing them suffer.  These once able-bodied people brought us into the world and sacrificed so much to make sure we had good upbringings but now they rely on us for some of their most basic needs.  

As if this wasn't enough, caregiving can also cut us down in another way by seriously stunting our social lives.  My mother doesn't drive anymore so it's up to me to take her to doctors appointments, food shopping, Mass or wherever else she wants to go.  Coupled with my busy work schedule, this leaves very little “me time” beyond decompressing in front of the TV or computer for a while.  I imagine how great it would be to spend those hours hanging out with a girlfriend.  Too bad we can't save all that wasted time for when better days finally arrive.

When my mother and I go to a restaurant for lunch or dinner there's usually only elderly patrons around so the chances of even seeing a pretty girl are slim to none.  There have even been times when we have gone to a restaurant in the early afternoon after a doctor's appointment and the place is devoid of customers.  Talk about a portrait of isolation with all those empty chairs and tables.

And then there are those many doctors appointments.  I get to see other people (mostly elderly) in waiting rooms who are in various degrees of suffering.  As terrible as all this sounds, I'm glad to make these sacrifices for my mother even though I long for a more balanced life.  In the Bible it's written “My child, help your father in his old age, and do not grieve him as long as he lives; even if his mind fails, be patient with him; because you have all your faculties do not despise him.  For kindness to a father will not be forgotten, and will be credited to you against your sins.”  I'm the only one my mother has to help her out and nothing brings this point home more than when she leans on me when we walk somewhere.

You'd think all of this would be seen as a positive by eligible single women.  Here's a guy who is putting his life on hold to care for a loved one.  He is going above and beyond to make sure family comes first.  If he does all of this for his mother, he will certainly be there for his future wife too.  But I find most women don't think like this at all.  They see a caregiver as a mamma's boy whose life isn't where it should be.  Our sacrifices instill fears that we could wind up paying more attention to our parents than them.  Over the years, there's been only one female around my age who thought my efforts as a caregiver were admirable, but then again, she was just a friend and didn't have to date me! 

After checking out the Catholic internet dating scene for a while now, I am amazed by all the women who say how important it is for their prince charming to be “goal-oriented” and “established” in his career.  As a caregiver, my career path isn't where I'd like it to be but I still make money.  This could be seen as a positive.  Here's a guy who sucked up his pride and got back on his feet with a lower-status job when life threw him for a loop.  Isn't that preferable to the man who lost his high-status job and wastes a lot of time searching for something similar?

With all of my mother's health issues, I am not that goal-oriented right now because we live our lives one day at a time.  You'd think on a Catholic dating website, moral choices would win out over secular ones but as someone once pointed out to me, women like stability.  It's ingrained into their genetics.  If they are the ones who have children, then the man is seen as the provider and the more success in his life, the more attractive he becomes.  If that's the case, then being a caregiver must make me one very unattractive guy.

How Inviting Is Your Confessional?

The dreaded screen.

Around this time of year, older Catholics like my mother talk about fulfilling their Easter Duty.  By that they mean going to confession at least once a year (although just about every priest I've ever met would say we need to partake in the sacrament of reconciliation much more often).

The thought of going to confession for the first time created a lot of anxiety in me despite the fact that our CCD teachers and priests did a great job explaining how important the sacrament of reconciliation was.  Instead of using the church's confessional, Fr. Kiley had chosen a quiet room that was normally used as a staging area before Mass.  As my fellow CCD classmates went in one by one, I grew more nervous even though we were told our priests would not judge or keep score.  When I entered the room, Fr. Kiley was sitting with his back turned to me which I found odd because he had encouraged us to confess our sins face to face if we wanted to.  At such a young age, my transgressions must have seemed very benign to him.  When I left the confessional, my soul felt much lighter, but the experience was too nerve-wracking to make it a regular habit.

When my mother wanted us to fulfill our Easter Duty, we usually visited the Carmelite Chapel at the Northshore Shopping Center since it was open during the week.  The place had several traditional confessionals which consisted of two booths for parishioners with the priest in a middle booth.  He would slide back a screen on either side to talk to us.  A little red cross above the confessional door lit up whenever someone inside used the kneeler.  The thought of going brought a sense of dread and once inside the confessional, my anxiety only increased.  I could hear the muffled conversation of the priest and the parishioner on the other side as I waited for that dreaded screen to slide open.

My priests always made a great case for confession.  One pastor liked to say, “If you think you don't need to go to confession, you really need to go to confession.”  By that he meant sometimes we can become spiritually lazy without even knowing it.  Another priest compared sin to garbage that weighs us down and the confessional was the surest way to make our souls feel 100 pounds lighter.  We were told not to be embarrassed when we confessed our sins because priests have heard it all and they only cared that you were participating in the sacrament of reconciliation.  Despite all this, I've rarely gone to confession as an adult because I'm just too shy.  In fact, it's one of the only things about the Church that this normally devout Catholic has a problem with.  While it's no excuse for not going, I do ask God for forgiveness during my nightly prayers and sometimes during the day when I've really screwed up.  However, there have been occasions when I couldn't avoid the confessional.

A couple of times, my mother and I have completely forgotten a Holy Day of Obligation.  One time our pastor was really cool and heard my confession right on the spot just before Mass, although when my list of sins seemed too short for him, he asked, “Is that it?”  The remark was really off-putting and had me wondering if I needed a little more excitement in my life.

The other occasion actually marked my very first time attending regular confession hours at St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly after having been a parishioner there for over a decade.  This house of worship lacked confessionals so you had to go downstairs to the lower church and then enter the sacristy to meet with the priest.  The place was packed and when it was my turn, I tried to make a good confession.  I mentioned swearing and telling the occasional white lie, but I also included lust, anger, spiritual laziness and my lack of faith.  I was really trying to be sincere but when it came time for my pastor to absolve me of my sins, he said I had “lucked out”.  Since the crowd was so big, he needed to keep things moving along and would only give me a few prayers to say for penance.  I was very disappointed by his response because I was not looking for a short cut.  In fact, I wanted to discuss my sins in greater detail since they were manifestations of the conflicts in my life that I just didn't know how to resolve on my own.   The whole incident left me feeling cold and I've never been back to confession ever since.

This April, my mother wanted to fulfill her Easter Duty yet again so it was off to the Carmelite Chapel.  A group of friendly and well-meaning priests from India now run the place but as I sat next to my mother in the pew waiting for her to enter the confessional, I just couldn't muster enough strength to follow her lead.  What would I say that I didn't already talk to God about?  What would change after I confessed my sins?  Why couldn't I meet with a priest face to face in a comforting setting instead of this claustrophobic booth with only a disembodied voice to talk to?

During Lent, the Boston Archdiocese encourages all of us to go to confession and they even advertise extended hours in church bulletins with their The Light Is On For You campaign.  As I sat waiting for my mother to leave the confessional, part of me really wanted to participate so I could fully embrace my Catholic faith.  But the part of me that's too shy, too anxious, too hurt and too broken always keeps me from opening that door.

Their Answer For Everything?

Look familiar?

While searching for Cardinal Sean O'Malley's blog, I found an article on consecrated virgins.  I never heard of such a thing before so I decided to research the subject.  A consecrated virgin is a woman who publicly vows to live in perpetual virginity as an exclusive spouse of Christ.  The practice dates back to the early days of the Church, fell out of favor for some time but was reestablished after Vatican II.  Women who have freely engaged in sexual union are not eligible for this form of concerted life.  It's estimated there are about 300 consecrated virgins living in the United States with around 6,000 to 7,000 worldwide.

The more I read about consecrated virginity, the more it bothered me.  As a single Catholic male, it's difficult enough to find a woman who saves herself for marriage.  Now the Church itself was shrinking the pool of devout, eligible females.  After comparing the images of women receiving this rite with those of priests, sisters and deacons being ordained, I found myself asking, “Is that their answer for everything?”

Behind many of these consecrated virgins was a priest influencing their decision.  In an essay entitled I Am Happily Married to God, Carmen Briceno writes, “Father Juan had opened a house where myself and other women who were considering consecrated life could have the space to pray and discern whether this vocation was for us.  It was an old convent, so it had a chapel where we could pray and was right across the street from the local parish church.”  Another article on the subject featured a consecrated virgin who had pined for a boyfriend but was encouraged by her priest to start writing love letters to Jesus instead.

It's common to encounter priests who believe the joy and fellowship they experience as men of the cloth is universal but for Catholic singles who are called to marriage, nothing could be further from the truth.  The elephant in the room of course is S-E-X.  You may hear the occasional sermon condemning premarital sex, but do they ever mention the benefits of healthy sexual relations WITHIN the bonds of holy matrimony?  Life-long celibacy is always held up as the ideal which is why some of the consecrated virgins interviewed say things like, “There's more to life than sex.” or “...the life of a celibate person is not lacking in intimacy” or  “Human love comes with its own pitfalls...chiefly that it doesn't last.”

I think it's sad these women feel this way and it has me wondering how different their lives would be had they been exposed to different role models.  Carmen Briceno mentioned having to break off relationships with past boyfriends because they did not respect her decision to save sex until marriage.  What if a respectful suitor had crossed her path?  Instead of love letters to Jesus, how about helping these women find spouses.

Concentrated virginity seems to exist in a strange middle ground that skirts the commitment of a religious order but does not allow for an ordinary life.  I wonder if these women are emotionally mature enough for the complexities of having a husband.  Carmen Briceno writes, “But in many ways, I have the same struggles as a wife would.”  No you don't.  Judging by my married friends, consecrated virginity is nothing like holy matrimony.  You can put on a white dress, wear a ring and have a ceremony, but it doesn't mean you know anything about being married.

In the Bible, Jesus turns to the crowd and says, “Daughters of Jerusalem, do not weep for Me, but weep for yourselves and for your children.  For the time will come when you will say, 'Blessed are the childless women, the wombs that never bore and the breasts that never nursed!'”  With consecrated virginity, is the Church helping to promote the very culture that Jesus warned us about?

Out Of Touch...Out Of Mind

See for yourself:
http://www.cardinalseansblog.org/

A few years ago, the bulletins at my former parish promoted Cardinal Sean O'Malley's blog with a small advertisement on the back page.  After checking the site out for the first time, I've only read it every once in a great while.  The trouble is, the overall content of the Cardinal's blog seemed to highlight a big problem with many Church leaders today.

What really stuck me about the Cardinal's blog were the photos.  No matter the month or year, there were always plenty of smiling, well-dressed admirers eager to pose with the head of the Boston Archdiocese.  It made me wonder if Cardinal O'Malley placed a priority on meeting with people who might not be so admiring.  From lapsed Catholics to victims of the priest sex abuse scandal, there are plenty of folks the Cardinal should be talking to more often.

Some blog entries highlighted pretty obscure organizations, committees and gatherings that most worshipers have probably never heard of before.  Seeing members of the Catholic Lawyers' Guild, Regnum Christi or Scalabrinians with the Cardinal gives one the impression that the Catholic Church is healthy and vibrant which it is not.  In fact, much of what we see on the blog is a result of having a captive audience.  Cardinal O'Malley attends events that usually attract people who seem easily impressed with titles and view him as something of a celebrity.

At times, the Cardinal himself focuses on “celebrity” by cozying up to the rich and powerful regardless of their views on the Church.  A post describing a gala to benefit an inner-city scholarship fund showed our state's socially liberal governor in attendance.  Candinal O'Malley wrote:  “We were also pleasantly surprised by a visit from Governor Charlie Baker.  He spoke very highly of the contributions that Catholic schools make to the Commonwealth and commended the work of the Catholic Schools Foundation.”  I wonder if Governor Baker appreciates the moral values these schools try to impart to their students?  Also on this post was a photo of the Cardinal schmoozing with billionaire owner of the New England Patriots, Bob Kraft.

Another blog entry featured a discussion on the treatment of immigrants.  (When the hierarchy uses the word “immigrants” they usually mean illegal immigrants.)  Among the participants Cardinal O'Malley invited to the Cathedral of the Holy Cross was Boston Mayor Marty Walsh.  The city leader may call himself Catholic, but he's been a strong advocate of the left and was even a guest speaker at a local Planned Parenthood rally last fall.

In 2009, the Cardinal blogged about his decision to give Senator Ted Kennedy a Catholic funeral.  The far-left politician had vigorously pushed a liberal agenda that made the world increasingly hostile to those of us who embraced Catholic values.  Yet when diagnosed with terminal brain cancer, Senator Kennedy came crawling back to the Church.  He never publicly apologized for his very visible support of abortion and other liberal causes over the years, though.  The senator got a grand Catholic funeral fit for a modern-day saint.  It's sad when the hierarchy looks the other way in situations like these because there are many devout but humble Catholics who never get recognized for their faithfulness.

While reading Cardinal O'Malley's blog, you get the impression he's a very busy guy.  In addition to the numerous Masses, galas, dedications and conferences he attends, there are also posts about his occasional trips to Rome and other exotic locales.  Some speculate he's being groomed to be Pope.  It makes me think all these commitments are a distraction from the real work that still needs to be done within the Archdiocese.  My former pastor was fond of saying, “A good shepherd takes on the smell of the sheep.”  This means a good spiritual leader is so close to his flock, he is aware of their concerns, conflicts, and desires.  If the Cardinal is too busy attending fancy galas where he's surrounded by flatterers and the well-connected, does he really know us at all?

Wounds Never Healed

Disgraced former head of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Law passed away this December.  When reports of sexually abusive priests came to his attention, he reassigned them to other parishes and kept the allegations quiet.  This allowed those abusive priests to molest again.  When the cover up was finally exposed in 2002, it seriously hurt the Church's moral credibility and sent the Cardinal fleeing to Rome.

Some victims and their families have reacted strongly to news of Bernard Law's death by saying they hope he has gone to hell for allowing such a thing to happen over and over again.  The current leader of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Sean O'Malley, was careful with his words during a press conference stating that ultimately it's the goal of Christianity to see that everyone gets into heaven.

During a recent interview with the Salem News, abused former altar boy Bernie McDaid described a private meeting he and his mother had with Cardinal Law in 2002.  “I'm not sticking up for Bernie Law but he did apologize.”  McDaid added, “He was absolutely wrong and he knew it.  But he represents hundreds of cardinals who were moving priests around.  To make Bernie Law the scapegoat kind of shortens the issue to Boston.  This is all over the world.”

McDaid also recalled a meeting he helped organize between victims and Cardinal Law.  A young woman whose brother was abused by a priest and later took his own life stood up and said to the Cardinal, “I want you to know that you killed my brother.”  When Cardinal Law looked down at the floor, she screamed at him,  “Look me in the eye.  You're a murderer.”

Keeping the allegations of abuse quiet also made the victims think they were alone.  Imagine the weight of such a violation on your soul.  Now imagine having to bear that weight all by yourself.  I think if there is any sense of justice, Cardinal Law would experience all the heartache, indignity and trauma of the lives that were ruined by the cover up.  The sad part was, it didn't have to be this way.

Our priests lecture us all the time about standing up for what is right even if it costs us dearly.  They cite how much the martyrs gave up and ask if we would do the same.  Why is it the Church didn't follow its own advice?  When Cardinal Law first received complaints about abusive priests, he should have been on the phone to the police.  (The Church today would be in much better shape spiritually and financially if he had!)  Reassigning those priests to other parishes was like hoping a ticking time bomb wouldn't go off.  What was it about Bernard Law's character that allowed the abuse to continue as far as it did?

I only met Cardinal Law once during an anniversary celebration of the Boston Archdiocese held at my former high school.  He was getting out of the backseat of a car and chatted with a few people near the entrance to the auditorium.  Frankly, there was something about him I never liked.  Whether it was television interviews or recorded messages played to our parish (usually about money), he struck me as a milquetoast who just wasn't passionate about defending the Catholic faith.  I certainly don't remember him being too critical of Boston area Catholic politicians who actively promoted agendas that ran counter to the Church's teachings.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/cardinal-s-confession-sex-abuse-victim-reflects-on-meeting-law/article_08aea181-5a02-5118-8ae5-91b589803fac.html

Some Catholics say we should stop talking about the scandal because being negative weakens the Church and accomplishes very little.  What continues to hurt the Church is not doing right by the victims.  When members of S.N.A.P. protested outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, one parishioner wondered what more do the victims want.  That's an easy thing to say if you've never suffered the horror of a shattered childhood.

What also continues to hurt the Church is it's lack of genuine honesty.  In a prepared statement, Cardinal O'Malley said: “I recognize that Cardinal Law’s passing brings forth a wide range of emotions on the part of many people. I am particularly cognizant of all who experienced the trauma of sexual abuse by clergy, whose lives were so seriously impacted by those crimes, and their families and loved ones.”  Now if you were having a heart to heart conversation with someone, would you actually use the word cognizant?  Instead of a well-plotted form letter that sounds like it was crafted by a lawyer or politician, how about the honesty of plain talk?

Cardinal Sean O'Malley mentions the good work Bernard Law did in the South but this is taking a “Mousilini made the trains run on time” approach.  No matter what good Cardinal Law did in the past, his role during the abuse scandal has been cemented in history and you cannot remove the man from such grievous misdeeds. 

During a deposition Cardinal Law was forced to give, some of the victims described him as angry rather than contrite.  Bernie McDaid recalled in the Salem News how during his second visit to the Vatican in 2010 Cardinal Law hung up on him.  “I'm pretty sure it was him.  He spoke in English and quickly switched over to Italian.”  Whether you believe Cardinal Law was truly sorry for what had happened or just sorry his cover up was exposed, he became the poster child for how badly the priest abuse scandal was handled.  It's been said the Catholic Church is in a much better position to prevent such abuse from happening again but it never should have gone on as long as it did in the first place.

More Precious Than Rubies

I can count on one hand the number of times a girl my own age has sat next to me in church and still have two fingers to spare.  When such a rare occurrence does happen, nothing ever comes of it.

My church's All Saints' Day Mass was very crowded this year and when my mother and I arrived, our usual pew was already full.  Sitting in the next pew was a pretty girl who I've never seen before.  We motioned to sit next to her but instead of moving into the isle, she let us climb into the pew.  Usually, that's a pet peeve of mine but in this case, it allowed me to sit right next to her.  I've been starving for the company of a female my own age for so long, simply being in close proximity to one gave me a comforting feeling.  I started to imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend or wife.  (People who are called to the priesthood probably don't have these thoughts.)

During Mass, she wasn't saying any of the prayers aloud aside from the Our Father.  Red flag number one.  As a life-long Catholic, I've memorized almost everything anyone says during Mass to the point where reading a missalette isn't necessary.  Was she not very religious and just visiting our church for spiritual inspiration?  I've noticed how some people who shun God suddenly go looking for Him during a time of need.

There was absolutely no body language coming from her to indicate any interest whatsoever.  Red flag number two.  Maybe she already had a boyfriend or husband.  As a long-time Massachusetts resident, I think reading women in this part of the country is difficult to say the least.  Most seem aloof while others appear to be creeped out by members of the opposite sex who aren't their brothers or dads.  Trying to start a conversation with a random woman is like pulling teeth.  Let's say you bring up a subject that might interest her.  Perhaps you see she's holding a camera so you ask about her photography hobby.  The responses women have given me tend to be curt which makes any further small-talk impossible.  I'm sure some of these same women spend time wondering where all the “good men” are.  During my many years of commuting into Boston, only once did a girl walking by ever say hi to me.  More often than not, they tend to look down or look away.  Most of my friends believe New England women are rather snobbish and I think this standoffish posture is the reason why.

As the Mass progressed, it was soon time for the sign of peace.  Hmmm.  How would that go?  She turned and gave me a quick wave and that was it.  Red flag number three.  Ever since the Church allowed people to opt out of physical contact in order to avoid spreading germs, the sign of peace seems too informal nowadays.  Some parishioners don't even bother to say, "Peace be with you."

Soon, it was time to receive the Holy Eucharist and upon returning to our pew, I noticed the girl was no longer there.  After communion, she made a beeline for the door.  Red flag number four.  The former pastor of our church thought this was a very annoying habit so he would tell people in the bulletins and at the altar that Mass was not over until the final blessing.  He wondered what was so important that people stood at the door or left altogether instead of returning to their pews.  It was like walking out on a friend's birthday party right after the candles were blown out.  If we couldn't give God an extra ten minutes during Mass, what did it say about His place in our lives?

As the weeks passed, I never did see that girl in church again but I expected as much.  I've read many Catholic blogs written by single women, so I don't think this problem is exclusive to one gender.  There probably are churches out there where lonely females have similar experiences trying to attract the attention of good Catholic men.  The problem is, Catholic singles of both sexes are so scattered to the four winds, we can't seem to find each other.

One thing is for sure.  The Bible wasn't kidding when it said, “A wife of noble character who can find?  She is far more precious than rubies.”

A Catholic Walks Into A Bar

For this black sheep, few things in life make me feel so out of place than participating in my hometown's nightlife.  Every autumn, the local institution where I volunteer holds an annual meeting which features food, speeches and a small awards ceremony.  Formal wear isn't required but it's an excuse to get dressed up.  The festivities wind down around 9 PM so it leaves a few of us all dressed up with nowhere to go.

After a recent annual meeting, someone suggested going out to a local bar.  Since I didn't have much of a social life, they asked me to join them.  “How will you ever find anyone if you don't try?” one acquaintance remarked.  I decided to tag along just to prove her wrong.

Whether I stay home or go out, the results have always been the same because visiting a bar is one of the most inefficient ways to meet people.  You put all your hope on the random chance a woman with similar interests and beliefs will be sitting there just waiting to strike up a nice conversation.  Being an older Catholic single makes the odds of this happening pretty slim.

That night, six of us went out to a small Irish pub in the downtown.  We found a mostly jeans and t-shirt crowd but I was still wearing my dress shirt, tie, waistcoat and slacks from the annual meeting.  The place was filled with tattooed hipster millennials since there was an art college nearby.  Guess the odds didn't play out in my favor.

Our small group started ordering drinks but I only had water.  We joked to the waitress that I was the designated driver but in reality, I just didn't like the taste of many alcoholic beverages.  That didn't stop my acquaintances from offering me a sip of whatever concoction they ordered.  Hmmm.  Feeling awkward and being pressured to drink.  Why don't I go out more often?

They racked up a pretty hefty tab because in their minds, alcohol equaled happiness and they didn't care if they got wasted.  One person from the group had even suffered a mild heart attack the week before but that did not curtail his intake.  It just happened to be open mic night so when the mildly talented singers belted out the tunes, it was difficult to hear what anyone at our table was saying.  Later, two strange looking old women shuffled in with a guitar to do a dramatic poetry reading that was just awful.

As my acquaintances enjoyed more adult beverages, one of them thought I was being a bit uptight for refusing to order a drink.  He then asked if I had ever been laid.  Suddenly, all eyes were on me but I told them it was none of their business.  As a devout Catholic, I had encountered this question a few times before but there was no good way to answer it.  If I said yes, they would want to know details.  If I said no, I'd be the butt of their jokes.  As they continued to pry, I just acted dumb until they found something else to talk about.  When I got up to go to the bathroom, the smell of marijuana wafted in from the back deck.  There was absolutely nothing here for me so after awhile, I decided to leave.

Experiences like this make me wonder why alcohol must be a night on the town's central focus.  I don't see anything wrong with moderate drinking especially if your beverage compliments a meal but people get carried away.  Perhaps this is why I think those Theology on Tap events seem very gimmicky.

Single Catholics don't have many options when it comes to finding a spouse but the bar scene seems like a big waste of time and money.  How often should we go to the local watering hole before we realize there just isn't anyone there for us?

A World Of Lower Standards

Aside from a few bars, there isn't much for single people to do in my hometown.  (That's really bad for me because I don't drink socially.)  Recently, a woman on the community's Facebook group complained about this and decided to create her own Facebook page for local singles.  Members were invited to post meet ups or any other activities that appealed to the unattached.  She then categorized us into age groups and I suddenly found myself lumped in with people in their late 50s!

In fact, most of the site's members were women in their 40s and 50s but almost all of them had kids.  It made me wonder what the heck happened to the sanctity of marriage.  When some of them started complaining about how lonely they were, I felt it was a bit unfair because at one time they had boyfriends or husbands to sleep with.  Try walking in my shoes.

Some of them seemed very jaded.  When a cooking class was pitched as a possible meet up, a woman said she wanted to go just to discover new recipes...not to meet men.  With an attitude like that, why was she part of this group?  In another post, one woman said she was going to spend her Saturday night at home with a good book.  A few females then suggested they all get together to form a reading club.  Now what kind of signal did that send the opposite sex?

I decided to ask the group if anyone wanted to go mountain bike riding on a nearby rail trail but no one took me up on the offer.  This wasn't surprising because it looked like many of the people here didn't get a lot of exercise.  Unfortunately, the word “single” means many different things: Never married and no kids, never married with kids, divorced with or without children and widowed with or without children.  Not all of these groups have the same expectations.

After showing this Facebook page to a few acquaintances, they said I was being too picky.  I told them “too picky” was refusing to go out with a woman because she had green eyes and blonde hair.  There were good reasons for some of my preferences.  Even if we looked beyond religious beliefs, dating someone with kids added extra pressures to a relationship right off the bat and if a woman is divorced, isn't it natural to wonder why her marriage broke apart?

One of these acquaintances thought I was being too judgmental so she asked if potential suitors had to be thin and good looking too.  I told her a girlfriend who took care of herself would be nice but my definition of beauty was slightly more quirky than what society put on a pedestal.  Then she wondered if I would ever date anyone outside my own religion.  Keep in mind, this acquaintance was Jewish and had a husband who shared her faith.  She was also very liberal so I asked her, “If you were still single, would you date a Trump supporter?”  Of course she wouldn't.  Did that make her close-minded?

Over the years, I've noticed proponents of tolerance try to make us feel guilty for our personal preferences.  We all have attractions.  Some of them aren't that important but others are deal-breakers.  I'd like a girlfriend who has made similar sacrifices for her beliefs.  My acquaintance thought I was looking for the impossible adding, “If a woman is in her 40s and has never had a serious relationship then you should ask yourself what's wrong with her.”  Now who was being judgmental?

Some people find Catholic values so inconceivable, they have to goad anyone who embraces them toward sin.  They'll tell us we should give up on celibacy and just enjoy ourselves.  No one saves themselves for marriage anymore so we need to lower our standards.  Divorce and broken families are just an inevitable part of life.  People fall out of love all the time so it's no big deal.  Advice like that reminds me of the peer pressure found on elementary school playgrounds: “Everyone else is doing it.  Why aren't you?”

In this age of diversity and tolerance, there doesn't seem to be much room for devout Catholics.  That's why singles like me need the Church to step up with increased fellowship and support.  We certainly won't find what we're looking for in a world of lower standards.

More Of The Same

Bishop Mark O'Connell had recommended I check out a weekly summer reading group at his parish because there were a few 40 year olds who regularly attended.  The meetings targeted millennials but everyone was welcome.  Participants read and discussed chapters from the book What Catholics Really Believe by Karl Keating.  I decided to take him up on the offer but doubts lingered in the back of my mind.

A sign inside the lobby of St. Theresa's said "Calling All Millennials" and directed me to a small conference room.  Sitting at the table were an elderly couple, a guy in his 60s and the instructor who was also older.  A married woman in her 30s arrived a little later.  Everyone was friendly and we had a nice discussion while reading about purgatory but the group wasn't exactly what I was looking for.  The instructor did say two women in their 40s usually joined them but both were married.  Just my luck!  I sent the bishop an e-mail a few days later to let him know I probably wouldn't be attending any more of these meetings.

The visit had me thinking about an experience at my former parish, St. Mary Star of the Sea in Beverly.  A few years ago, I asked Deacon Joens why our church didn't have anything geared towards older singles.  Even though the young adult group's age limit was 35, he suggested I attend saying, "No one is checking IDs at the door."  Except for the instructor, everyone there was much younger and I felt very awkward.  The deacon dropped by for a few minutes to say hi but as the months passed, he never bothered to follow up with me.  Eventually, the group was quietly disbanded due to a lack of young adults.  Did anyone care I had nowhere to go in my own church?  Apparently not because as the months passed, the parish website continued to promote the young adult group as an active ministry.

It's very easy for people to give Catholic singles "helpful" advice when they have nothing at stake.  In my e-mail to Bishop O'Connell, I said people like me just aren't a priority.  To help him understand what many Catholic singes had to endure, I added two links:

One was for the blog The Hidden Faithful:
https://thehiddenfaithful.wordpress.com/

The other was to an article entitled How Churches Today Abandon Christian Singles:
http://geeksjourney.com/how-churches-today-abandoned-the-christian-single

I told the bishop to pay particular attention to the comments section on each site but he never sent a response.  Why am I not surprised?  While many within the Church joyfully promote vocations to the priesthood and religious life, no one seems to lose any sleep thinking about how lonely Catholic singles are.  Just kick the can down the road as months, years and even decades pass by.

A while ago, someone told me the young adult group at St. Mary's was back and they extended the age range to include people in their 40s.  Their Facebook page had photos of many young people enjoying themselves at a pub but an event page showed some incredibly low numbers so I contacted the woman who ran the ministry to learn more.  She admitted they were struggling as a group with attendance as high as 15 but usually hovering around 5.  The number of single, married, dating, men and women were evenly split.  Ages ranged from college students to people in their 30s with most of the over 40 crowd bowing out after having been members for awhile.  Perhaps they felt out of place?

She said St. Mary's also had a men's prayer group, mixed bible study and daily Eucharistic adoration.  I wondered to myself how any of these ministries would help me as a Catholic single.  She even suggested I try to find a Theology on Tap group.  Bishop O'Connell had recommended this too saying there was a Theology on Tap in Ayer, MA with a nice middle aged crowd.  I e-mailed the woman who ran that group and explained my situation.  She replied, "I don't think we fully meet what you are looking for, but it is the same reason we continue to have a strong TOT group 8 years later.  We weigh more toward the older and married side of things."  Ayer is a long drive for a gathering that probably wouldn't meet my expectations.

I don't think the Catholic Church knows what to do with older singles like me which is a shame because we need our religion to be there for us.  Rejecting the hookup culture of secular society makes finding a spouse incredibly difficult.  Being shuffled around to different ministries that don't quite address our concerns is not the answer.