Recently, my parish hosted a question and answer session with one of the Boston Archdiocese's regional bishops. I brought up many difficult subjects like the mishandling of the priest sex abuse scandal and the plight of single Catholics who aged out of those young adult ministries. I told him the Church abandoned people like me and the isolation we had to endure was insufferable. The meeting left me feeling so empty, my mind was in a fog for the next few days.
At the time, an old friend was visiting the area but our plans for the week got derailed. As mentioned in the previous blog entry, our trip to Cape Cod was cut short by a flat tire that left us stranded in Boston. A few rainy days later in the week ruined other plans we had made. My friend's vacation ended during the early morning hours of my birthday so instead of sleeping in, I wound up driving him to the airport at 3 AM.
Missing out on a full night's sleep left me tired and a bit on edge. As usual, only a handful of Facebook friends posted birthday greetings so I decided to write on my wall, “Does anyone want to help me salvage my birthday by getting together and doing something fun?” I hoped against hope someone would come through for me. An acquaintance tried being funny by suggesting we go to a strip club but his comment only angered me. My desperate plea was like an unseen rescue flare launched in the middle of a vast ocean. I wondered why friends seemed to disappear right when I really needed them.
Earlier in the week, my mother planned to cook a favorite birthday meal but all this changed when my brother called a few days later. Now we were going to celebrate at a restaurant halfway down the highway from his house. No one even asked me if this was alright and to top it all off, the restaurant they chose was popular with old people. Ugh! My brother and his wife tended to look down on me because they had a house, children and successful careers while I opted to be a caregiver for my elderly parents. Still, I decided not to complain. At least this gave me somewhere to go on my birthday.
Just before we headed out to the restaurant, my brother called to say he was going to be over an hour late. As it turned out, he and his family were furniture shopping. How nice of my brother to squeeze celebrating my birthday into his otherwise busy schedule! Suddenly, the anger that had been simmering now boiled over. I was so upset, we decided to cancel and stay home. It was typical of my brother to leave us in the lurch like that because he assumed lonely old me wouldn't have other plans later on. Like some self-fulfilling prophecy, I wound up spending the rest of the night in my bedroom. Sadly, no one else responded to my Facebook post.
As the years pass, the weight of my loneliness only seems to be getting heavier. You'd think the Church would be a source of comfort but it's not. Singles like me hear, “The only friend you need is God.” or “There is no reason to be sad in life because Jesus died for our sins.” One pastor talked about how important it was to defend the faith even if it meant losing friendships or a good job. Funny how he wasn't there for the parishioners who followed his advice and were now unemployed social outcasts.
The response from secular society is even worse with people making jokes or refusing to believe someone could feel so depressed. Instead of compassion, I get admonished for being a Gloomy Gus. They just assume I'm blowing things out of proportion and that I'll be okay.
I'm ashamed my anger got the best of me on my birthday because such behavior isn't very Christ-like. Would arriving an hour late to a restaurant have mattered in the grand scheme of things? Probably not but lashing out was a symptom of a much greater problem. There's so much I still want out of life but at this point, I no longer know how to get there.
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