Early on in my Catholic Match membership, I was contacted by a cute woman from New York City named *Linda. She lived with her dad in his house and was a caregiver to him. As we traded messages, the conversation was very cordial. I could really identify with her when she said how difficult it was to maintain the property. Things seemed to be progressing nicely and I actually started to contemplate taking some time off from work to visit her. Was finding a future spouse on this website that easy? Not quite because as we continued to talk, a few things raised some concern.
Red Flag #1: Aside from caregiving, we didn't have a heck of a lot in common with each other as far as our hobbies and tastes were concerned. This is always a tricky part of dating because ideally, you'd like to find someone who can relate to you on many different levels but it is unrealistic to expect a woman to enjoy the same music, TV shows and movies that you do especially if you like more obscure media. I'd call this a negotiable part of any relationship but what is important is how she puts up with the things that bring you joy. Does she belittle your love of science fiction? Will she criticize you for enjoying a certain genre of music? Does she recognize your individuality by respecting your hobbies and tastes even if she doesn't understand them?
Well, Linda seemed to think that when a person entered into a romantic relationship, they had to give up many of the things they once enjoyed to focus all their time and attention on being a couple. This was a big red flag with me because I've seen first hand how some of my friends lost who they were when they had girlfriends or got married. Sure, becoming one half of a couple means you do have to focus a lot more time and energy on the relationship. Sure, there are things you give up and things you compromise on BUT it shouldn't mean you have to sell out who you are for the sake of the other person. Some of the most successful marriages have couples who still enjoy their alone time.
Linda seemed a bit sheltered and when we discussed some favorite activities, I mentioned how much fun it was going to Comic-Con. She didn't seem open to learning more about that and actually thought dressing in costume was a waste of time. While I would never want my love of cosplay to be the hill that I die on, I couldn't help but think how nice it would have been if she were more open-minded about new experiences.
Red Flag #2: She seemed to be mapping out my future life with her even though we had yet to go on a date. When I mentioned my current dead-end job, I told her that I'd like to quit and find something very different that's more fulfilling. Well, she mentioned a few businesses in her neck of the woods that offered similar dead-end jobs and suggested I could work there if I moved to New York. Wow. Was I really going to pack up and leave everything for a women I hardly knew? Also, did she not understand the fact that I wasn't happy with my current career choice?
Red Flag #3: Baggage. They say when you get to a certain age, everyone has baggage, but I tend to have a small carry-on while others lug around a steamer trunk. During the course of our conversation she said her last serious relationship lasted for well over a decade and ended badly. Now I can understand being in love in your 20s and wanting to wait a few years before making a commitment but as many of those middle-aged singles on Catholic Match can attest to: "You don't have all the time in the world." If the guy she had been dating was truly a decent person, he wouldn't have strung her along for all those years. She should have figured out that he wasn't being sincere about holy matrimony and cut him loose sometime before they hit the ten year mark. Sadly, Linda wasn't the only woman on Catholic Match who said they wasted the better part of a decade waiting for a marriage proposal that never came.
She also admitted to being "foolish" in this relationship. Now what does that mean? Sometimes using that word is a polite way of saying they gave into temptation and had sex outside of marriage. I can't say for sure what happened in Linda's case but as someone who has stayed true to the Church's teaching, it did create more doubts about her.
Some say you should really listen to those red flags because your subconscious mind is trying to tell you the relationship won't work. Others claim that sometimes a red flag is simply you being too picky. Despite all my misgivings, I was still willing to see where this potential relationship would go. Unfortunately, fate would deal a cruel hand.
As I continued to message Linda, her dad got very sick one night and he passed away. I asked if she needed anything and offered to help in any way but from that point on, she never talked to me in the same way again. Ultimately, she stopped messaging me on Catholic Match.
After several months passed, I reached out to her via the e-mail address she once gave me. Linda said she was well and had met someone special on e-Harmony. I told her I was glad and offered my continued friendship but never heard back from her ever again. As of this writing, her profile is still on Catholic Match so I'm not sure if she forgot about it or was still single after all this time. At any rate, this first foray into the world of online dating wouldn't be repeated for another four years because the number of meaningful interactions I would have with women on Catholic Match all but dried up.
* Names have been changed to protect the innocent.
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