St. Theresa's had pared down architecture that was typical of modern churches. It was set back from the main road so I drove by the place and had to make a u-turn. I parked next to the rectory which looked liked your average suburban home. After ringing the doorbell, a secretary greeted me and then led me to a small waiting room. On a table was a large white bible so I decided to open it to a random page and place my finger on a passage without looking. I landed on “Then sometimes the priests take the silver and gold from their gods and spend it on themselves or give part of it to the harlots on the terrace.” Was this some sort of omen? Bishop O'Connell popped in to say hi for a moment because he was running late. I looked around the room and noticed a picture on the wall of St. Theresa's done in pencil.
About ten minutes later, the bishop returned after locating his cell phone and we walked to a nearby conference room that looked like it had once been a living room. I had no idea where to begin so Bishop O'Connell asked me about my life. I mentioned being a caregiver for my parents, the struggle to find a steady career and some of the volunteer work I've performed over the years. He said it sounded like my life was in a rut. No argument there but I was disappointed he seemed to dismiss the value of my sacrifices. Don't we often hear sermons about taking up your cross no matter the burden? This line of questioning was really off-putting so I suggested we focus on issues relating to the Church itself. After all, women might not find some of my life choices to be very appealing but if there are no eligible members of the opposite sex around in the first place, my shortcomings were moot.
Again, I wondered why there was little help for Catholic singles. The Boston Archdiocese used to have lectures, retreats and even boat cruises for young adults. Bishop O'Connell said they still do but I needed to stop using the term young adult since I wasn't one. His brusqueness surprised me because referring to myself as a young adult appeared to be a subconscious habit since my congregation was filled with so many elderly parishioners. This misstep in the conversation reminded me of the time my former pastor nitpicked me for calling the young adult group at our church the youth group. He knew what I meant so why not just get to the heart of the matter?
I told the bishop many priests actually discouraged singles with a calling to be married because they didn't want fellowship events to become “meat markets.” He seemed amused by that slang term so I said it sometimes appeared on blogs about Catholic singles. Then I asked if he had ever read any of those blogs. Bishop O'Connell said no because he wasn't single. How dispiriting. To help solve this problem, priests should at the very least be willing to familiarize themselves with our struggles and a good way to do that is to read what other single Catholics have to say.
When I suggested the Church take bold steps to encourage matchmaking like giving away online dating memberships, he balked at the idea. I asked where the harm was since the Church often threw money out the window on some truly wasteful expenditures. God forbid lonely Catholic singles actually find dates, get married, have kids and help renew the faith. Bishop O'Connell did say St. Theresa's had a group that met on Monday evenings and there were a few people in their 40s who regularly attended. He suggested I check it out.
Sadly, I could see our conversation on Catholic singles wasn't turning out to be very productive so I decided to switch gears and discuss many of the other issues facing the Church that I had mentioned during the Q and A session.
Sorry to hear about this conversation with the Bishop (Part 1, anyway). Too often, the Church fails to pastor adult Catholic singles as put forth in their very own Catechism (see paragraph 1658 on singles). I'm an older Catholic single (older than you), and my perspective is that the Catholic Church has a vision that unfortunately excludes those of us called to marriage but lacking in prospects. Most parishes set up a sort of mutual-admiration society between clergy (and other vowed religious) and their much beloved "family of families" in the pews. Older adult singles do not fit the narrative, and there is little role for us, except to tolerate the mistaken assumption that we've actually chosen celibacy as our preference (rather than by default). The Church sees no role in playing matchmaker (either individually or programmatically)...How many weddings have I sat through where the priest gushes at how "God brought the two of you together!" See? No role for the Church, here. It's Divine Providence. Your suggestion about online-dating scholarships was reasonable, but the Church shies away (probably afraid that any emphasis on older adult singles will create pressure from those with same-sex attraction for equal treatment. The Church doesn't concentrate on involuntary older adult singles for fear of same-sex piling-on and also the fear that such focus will somehow validate delayed marriages). The Church has definite pastoral priorities: youth and still-fertile married couples, with an occasional nod and "well done" to the grandparents in the pews. The Bible has no mention of people like us because we didn't exist (at least not in such numbers) in 1st-century Palestine and prior. The Bible does address widowed singles in numerous readings, and I often think "I didn't even get to be a widow!" Not to minimize the widows' pain and problems, but they can take spiritual comfort in seeing their spouses again in heaven -- no such pastoral comfort for the life-long single. The Church should care that reverts like me feel alienated throughout the entire liturgy (the readings, the homilies, the prayers of the faithful, and even the announcements, not to mention the rest of parish life). Unfortunately, single adults who've aged out of youth ministry remain a huge blind spot for pastoral practice. Because Church attendance has dwindled so drastically, there is a special urgency on breeding from within. (I hate to sound crass, but there it is. Catholics in general are lousy evangelizers, and it seems that the current, "best" way to grow the Church is to press for youth emphasis and younger marriages, early babies, and larger families). The older involuntary singles who've aged out of youth ministry are left out, and the Church keeps us at arm's length so as not to "encourage" our life's path which is anything but what we would have chosen ourselves. In the meantime, our sacrifices (caring for vulnerable family members) and our sufferings (shouldering life alone, without the support of a spouse or a religious community) go unacknowledged and unaffirmed. The Church would do well to consider the many reverts who came back to these weak and bleak parish communities and try to retain us before we leave in droves. Blessings to you...keep trying...you're still young. (P.S. You might google Fr. Roger Landry on singleness, who does recognize the issue, albeit from the Catholic females' perspective).
ReplyDeleteThanks for the comments. You raise many good points.
ReplyDeleteMatchmaking seems to be a very touchy subject and I've seen plenty of people say it's not the Church's job. I guess I was trying to tell the bishop that when the status quo has failed a certain segment of Catholics for so long, why not think outside the box?
I will check out Fr. Landry. God bless.