The 5/7 Conundrum

To veil or not to veil?

While looking into some of these Catholic dating websites, the term "5/7" kept popping up.  I discovered the expression is slang for members who say they are Catholic but don't agree with all of the Church's teachings.  It refers to the 7 yes or no questions that CatholicMatch.com members fill out on their profiles.  Do you accept the Church's teachings on:

1) Eucharist  2) Contraception  3) Sanctity of Life  4) Papal Infallibility  5) Premarital Sex  6) Immaculate Conception  7) Holy Orders

Ave Maria Singles has similar "profile-building" questions to weed out non-Catholics or those unfaithful to Church teaching according to the site's founder, Anthony Bouno.  Many have suggested the real meaning of "5/7" is that you agree with the Church on all of those things except for 2) Contraception and 5) Premarital Sex.

Leila Miller, author of the blog Little Catholic Bubble places the onus on men.  In her post entitled A Disappointing Eureka, she couldn't understand how a guy could accept some of the trickier concepts of the Church while at the same time rejecting two other teachings that seem pretty straightforward.  She suspected it had something to do with these men wanting to have lots of sex but her husband explained it boiled down to personal sacrifice.  These 5/7 men were fine with dogma as long as they didn't have to give something up.  Of course, it's naive to think the 5/7 phenomenon is exclusive to one gender.  During my years at a Catholic high school, most of my female friends refused to make those particular personal sacrifices.

How many times have we seen Catholics water down the faith when things hit too close to home?  Marriage goes from being a life-long commitment to something that just runs its course when someone new to lust after appears.  Missing weekly Mass is no longer a grave sin because you really wanted to sleep in.  The Church's teachings turn into suggestions and the Bible is reduced to two words: Don't judge.  As long as you are still a "good person" then nothing much should be expected from you.

For these reasons, I think it's good that dating websites have filters so people can find a spouse who meets certain expectations.  However, the 7 questions these sites ask can have other consequences as one reviewer of CatholicMatch.com points out.

This person says the answers to these questions are rarely so black-and-white.  Forcing people to divulge how they stand can lead to serious problems with the way certain members are perceived especially on the forums.  5/7 could mean they disagree with the Church's stance on not allowing priests to marry or papal infallibility.

The reviewer brings up a great point.  Sometimes being excessively obedient is actually the morally wrong thing to do.  During the priest sex abuse scandal, there were people who could have exposed this great evil early on but instead they followed orders and kept things quiet for decades.  Am I against papal infallibility?  When it comes to shielding the priests who covered up heinous crimes, you bet!

Therein lies the conundrum with these questions.  Many of the "7/7" Catholics I've met over the years tend to be aloof.  Instead of trying to get more young people to attend Mass, they prefer to discuss their favorite Cardinal Virtue or whether or not to use a chin paten during Mass.  They feel the Latin Mass is somehow a step above Mass in the vernacular.  Wearing a chapel veil is also important because in their minds, Vatican II ruined the Catholic Church.  No mention of the sex scandal or corrupt clergy, though.  A priest is to be respected and obeyed without question no matter how arrogant or unchristian he acts.  Well, this isn't the Middle Ages.

I'm not sure I could date any Catholic who was afraid to embrace critical thought from time to time.  A morally healthy Church demands we become something more than mindless zombies who do nothing in the face of injustice.  Perhaps these dating websites should allow their members to answer the 7 questions in degrees rather than Yes or No.  It would reveal more of what's inside a person's heart.

No Love For The Poor

In the world of internet dating, one website claims to be the best place for Catholic singles to meet: CatholicMatch.com.  Several years ago, a friend told me about the site so I checked it out.  It was the first time I had heard of an online matchmaking service designed specifically for Catholic singles.

CatholicMatch.com was very detailed with active forums that seemed sincere.  One section broke singles down into several temperaments.  With traits like: thoughtful, reflective, ponderous, deeply sensitive, of noble ideals, shy, critical, pessimistic, loyal and self-sacrificing, I was definitely a Melancholic.  (Turns out, there's nothing biblical about these temperaments as they originated in ancient Greece.)

A search function allowed me to view a handful of the site's eligible women.  None really caught my fancy but when I wanted to view more, I was taken to the sign up page and could browse no further.  Membership was pretty expensive so I didn't join.  This hasn't changed.  Like Christian Mingle, this site says you can sign up for a free account but I suspect you have to pay to play.

As of this writing, a one month subscription is $29.95 which seems very steep.  If you sign up for three months, membership is $19.95 per month.  Of course, that comes to almost $60 dollars.  Again, a bit out of my price range.  The “best value” is a six month subscription which is $12.49 per month.  That's $79.94.  Notice how they avoid displaying the much larger total cost?

Six month memberships come with a “unique protection” because if you fail to form a relationship, CatholicMatch.com gives you another 6 months for free.  Oh, joy!!!  Of course, you have to read the fine print.

You must: Comply at all times with the CatholicMatch Terms of Use.  Be free to marry in the Catholic Church.  Communicate with at least 1 unique member of the opposite sex each week.  Create a complete and accurate profile with at least 5 photos.  Your profile and primary photo must be approved by CatholicMatch within the first seven days of your guarantee subscription.  CatholicMatch Terms of Use and the CatholicMatch Guarantee Program Rules are subject to change by CatholicMatch at any time.  CatholicMatch reserves all rights to modify, suspend or cancel the Program at any time and without notice.  Do not pass Go.  Do not collect $200.

For a site that focuses on Catholic values, there are a lot of hoops to jump through.  Communicating with a unique member each week for six months equals about 26 females or to put it another way...more women than I have ever talked to about dating in my entire 43 years on this earth.  What happens if at some point during those 6 months you just don't see anyone you're interested in?  “Hi, I'm sending you a message not because I like you.  I just want to get another 6 months for free.”

CatholicMatch.com heavily advertises their services online and in local church bulletins.  Sometimes there are coupons and even “tell a friend” events where members can get free passes when friends sign up.  (You get a $250 gift card for every 5 friends that subscribe.)  These tactics seem pretty tacky and one reviewer of the site said, “People aren't commodities and it quickly felt like a business just looking to make a profit.”

Some have told anxious members to be patient because it can take years to find the right one.  Given the high cost of membership, staying with it can become an expensive proposition.  CatholicMatch.com maintains they are a good value because members can enjoy community and friendship while waiting for that perfect profile to pop up.  Really?  That's why desperate singles join a dating website?  They also say that since they are a smaller company, they can keep costs low.  $29.99 for a one month membership isn't pocket change but maybe God doesn't think poor people need to find love.

The website was founded in 1999 as SaintRaphael.net.  Its co-founders had discussed the struggles single Catholics were facing and they wanted to create a community where men and women could come together with the intention of finding their future spouse.  The site was a side project they worked on for fun and membership was free.

I wonder if CatholicMatch.com has lost sight of their humble beginnings.  They say they have a sincere, heartfelt goal to promote more holy and healthy Catholic marriages and to reverse marriage decline but their high prices leave people like me out in the cold.  When they claim to “support Catholic relationships in every way possible” I'm guessing this doesn't mean lowering their prices or giving away free memberships to those who suffer financial hardships.

In these increasingly secular times, the Catholic Church needs all the loving marriages it can get.  Lonely singles like me should be seen as a potential source of renewal rather than an underserved market to be tapped.

Get What You Pay For

This image doesn't say much.

Recently, I bumped into an older Catholic acquaintance at my favorite Chinese restaurant and we started talking about relationships and dating within the Church.  She wondered where people like her belonged because she had been married with kids for many years but her husband cheated on her and got a divorce.  I told her my desire to find a good Catholic girl but mentioned how difficult it was for older singles like me.  Not having been a part of the dating scene for decades, she was surprised to hear that.  A few days later, she e-mailed me a link to a website called CatholicDatingForFree.com.

The site describes itself as a place for wholesome Catholic dating and they claim “thousands have formed wonderful friendships, relationships, engagements and marriages!”  They say it's constantly monitored for decency in an effort to maintain high moral standards.  After spending a great deal of time going through the list of eligible singles and then breaking that list down geographically to see who was in the neighborhood, I thought the site was quite the train wreck.  Where to begin?

Profile photos:  This seems to be an issue with many of the women on the site.  (Men could have trouble with this too but for obvious reasons, I didn't check them out.)

Many members don't even bother to supply a profile photo so all we see is the graphic of a silhouetted human figure.  Did attempting to upload an image give them computer trouble or do they have something to hide?

Some women figured it would be best to wear large sunglasses.  This is a step up from no photo available but barely.  If the eyes are a window to your soul, then why have you closed the blinds?  This isn't the witness protection program.

There are women who decide to pose with their best friend.  This invites awkwardness.  Now a potential suitor has to figure out which one is you.  What if a guy likes the girl to the left with dark hair but it turns out you are actually the blond on the right?

If you've never had kids before, posing with your infant niece or nephew isn't a good idea either.  It might confuse people or imply a certain amount of desperation.

Sideways photos.  Again, we seem to be having trouble with basic computer skills.  Perhaps the site's format to upload images is confusing but why would anyone leave an image up like that after seeing the mistake?

Okay, maybe the format is hard to understand because one of the eligible women was actually a man.  While filling out the questionnaire, maybe he got I AM A WOMAN confused with I AM INTERESTED IN WOMEN.

A few females decided to go for sex appeal with tight-fitting or scantily clad outfits.  Some even accentuated certain “attributes” with sexually suggestive poses.  Isn't this supposed to be a Catholic dating website?

Descriptions:  To the website's credit, there is a section that asks what parish you belong to and the frequency of your Mass attendance but not much else is specifically geared toward the faith.  Did the creators of CatholicDatingForFree.com just slap the religion's name on a generic dating website platform?

Some profiles suffer from grammatical errors and I have to assume this is due to a language barrier.  Reading a description like, “I am pleased to be in loving relationship who is strong and looking for committed partner” just sends up the red flags.

To my surprise, a large number of women on the site are divorced and / or have kids.  Again, isn't this supposed to be a Catholic dating website?  Some might be widows and others (like my acquaintance at the Chinese restaurant) could have had the rug pulled out from under them by a cheating spouse but it was enough to make me wonder, “What is being taught in Sunday school these days?”

It's clear a lot of Catholics are looking for love...the divorced...the devout...the lapsed...the single parent and the never been married.  Judging by my own hopes and desires however, I'm not sure all of these groups share the same expectations.  Checking out CatholicDatingForFree.com  was disappointing because it felt like far too many people were playing in the same sandbox unsupervised.

Good Intentions...Bad Results

Ave Maria Singles was founded in 1998 as an online “marriage service” for Catholics who felt frustrated in their search for a spouse.  The site's creator once explained, “I'm not after big numbers or big money, but building a service filled with quality people with like minds.”  I first heard of the website a few years ago while reading a Catholic message board and decided to check it out.

While many internet dating sites only allow the pubic to view a small sample of member profiles, this didn't seem to be the case with Ave Maria Singles.  I was happy to see almost a hundred pages of eligible women listed but as I scrolled through all of the profiles, my curiosity turned to disappointment.

What appeared to be a large number of women really wasn't when you broke down those profiles geographically.  Members of Ave Maria Singles not only included people from the United States and Canada but also from countries on other continents.  My home state of Massachusetts had just two members and one of them lived very far away from me.  “Would love to join you for coffee.  Let me check my frequent flier miles.”

Some profiles had missing photos or introductions that read, “I will answer later.”  Putting your best foot forward is crucial in the online dating scene and incomplete profiles project laziness.  Of all the females on the site, less than a handful intrigued me.  Saying, “I love God and going to Mass and I'm looking for a man who embraces Jesus as his Lord and Savior” really doesn't tell me much about the individual behind the profile.

A 6 month membership was $79 and a lifetime membership was $179.  Basic memberships could be upgraded to a “premium membership” for an additional fee.  If Ave Maria Singles was founded on such a noble intention...to bring Godly people together for the sacrament of marriage, then why must they nickle and dime us like that?

One reviewer on Yelp writes: “Imagine you are a Catholic single.  Imagine you are having a hard time meeting people.  Imagine a website that tries to take advantage of your insecurities and abuses the fact that you may be a little desperate.  It lures you in with the promise of thousands of members and implies that they have a lot of active members.  They had 6 active members.  In all of Texas.”  The reviewer then complains of the site's poor customer service when she asked for an immediate refund.

Another reviewer who met his wife on Ave Maria Singles in 2003 echoes these sentiments.  Despite a lifetime membership, the first conversations he had with his wife on the site disappeared from his account after a long period of inactivity.  The company agreed to restore them only if he provided an endorsement for the site's “success story” section.  After continued discussion, Ave Maria Singles agreed to retrieve the messages for a fee.  He remarks such treatment “...isn't much of a reflection of Christian charity, and certainly doesn't represent what Catholics should be seeking and practicing in marriage.”

This reviewer also says that out of curiosity, he decided to investigate the number of women ages 34 to 41 who were currently in the same state he had searched ten years ago.  Only 8 hits appeared out of a state with a population of 6 million and he recognized a couple of those profiles from ten years ago!  “They advertise that they have had over two thousand marriages take place among members, but that is for all fifty states plus foreign countries, over a period of fifteen years.  From that perspective, two thousand isn't that high a number (if all occurred in the U.S., that would be fewer than three per state per year).”

All of this does not give me much faith in online dating and those negative reviews certainly strike a chord.  There are people who have reported positive experiences with Ave Maria Singles.  They say the website helped them find a spouse when nothing else seemed to work.  According to the site's creator, finding your better half “takes God's time, not yours.”  He advises staying with it even if five years pass.

Being glib about “God's plan” can be very hurtful to singles especially if you've been alone for such a long time.  Charging a large fee just to join and then segregating memberships based on how much more someone pays doesn't seem very Christ-like.  Neither does holding a member's cherished correspondence to his future wife hostage.  I hope the people behind Ave Maria Singles remember the verse “whatever you did for the least of these brothers and sisters of mine, you did for me.”

What Does God Need With A Website?

                                             Source: ChristianMingle.com

The month of February can be quite dreadful for single Catholics like me because of two words: Valentine's Day.  Being reminded how lonely you are is bad enough but the holiday's exaggerated expressions of romantic love is like rubbing salt on a open wound.  

According to the television, what I really need is a website.  Sappy advertisements for ChristianMingle.com have littered the airwaves these past few years and I find them to be incredibly annoying.  The commercials feature some of the happiest couples in all of human history.  They hold hands, embrace, jump for joy and constantly smile whether they are going for a walk, planting a garden, volunteering at a soup kitchen or just lying on the floor.  It's the kind of imagery that's supposed to make hopeless singles yearn for love.  Then come the cheesy tag lines:

"Find the person you were meant to find."

"God has a plan for each of us.  It's a plan that starts with

 you and becomes stronger with the power of two."

"Find God's match for you."

Of course, we hear the offer to join for free but there's no mention of how much a paid membership costs or what limits are placed on free accounts.  There's a lot to dislike about these ads.  Relationships can be very complicated, subtle and even challenging but we only see the overtly good things about falling in love.  The tag lines have such an air of authority, it's like they are implying the results are guaranteed.  What if I join and don't find the person I was meant to find?  What then?  God has a plan for each of us?  What is it?  I've been trying to figure that out for a long time now.  How did ChristianMingle.com get inside information?  Find God's match for you?  What does God need with a website?

My many years without a significant other makes me wonder why God in His infinite power and mercy has never steered a good woman my way.  During college, I spent a lot of time exploring Boston but I never met anyone who would have made a good girlfriend.  Many of my fellow classmates had a big anti-religious streak and commuting on public transportation only led me to encounters with strange people.  The few times I went out to a bar resulted in me sitting by myself trying not to look awkward.  The occasional church function never went anywhere, either.  Just seeing a girl out in public that I'm remotely attracted to has been a rare occurrence.

In all those years of taking the train into Boston and exploring the city's neighborhoods, I couldn't have randomly bumped into a nice woman and struck up a conversation with her?  There were no like-minded classmates in college?  Not once could I catch the eye of a girl at a bar?  Church functions don't attract any single females my age?

Many religious dating websites claim to have the answers.  They say good things are on the horizon but we have to be patient.  Love will come but only when God is good and ready.  They seek to justify a single person's empty years instead of viewing them as a big waste of time filled with lost potential.

Yet another Valentine's Day is going to pass by me without someone to love.  Where have you been, God?  Don't you hear my prayers?  How many more years must I lose?  Is it your plan for me to be so lonely and bitter?  Sometimes it feels like the God who's supposed to know what's in my heart doesn't really know me at all.

Here We Go Again

Ringing in the new year means heading into Boston to see all the ice sculptures artists create for the city's First Night celebration.  This tradition arose from my desire to get out and go somewhere after a few years of watching those Three Stooges marathons on TV.  One of my friends would join me but since he moved away in 2011, I've been making the trip into the city by myself.

Boston's winding streets and subway lines became familiar to me during my college years but I never developed a great love for the place thanks in part to many encounters with strange or antisocial people.  It's like they were drawn to me and in my frustration I joked there must be an "idiot magnet" somewhere inside my soul.  After college, I continued to visit Boston for a few years but the increases in gas prices and transit fares made trips into the city rare.

For First Night, all public transportation is free after 8 PM so that's enough incentive to return to Boston.  I like to drive to the city of Revere and then take a rapid transit train the rest of the way.  Sometimes when I stand on the subway platform, it feels like a thousand wonderful possibilities await.  Who will I see?  Will anyone interact with me?  Every now and then you hear stories about a couple who got married on a bus or a train because that's where they first met.  It doesn't take long for someone to derail this tinge of optimism, however.

During the final hours of 2016, a guy waiting for the train asked me why I was carrying a tripod.  When I told him it was to take time exposed photographs of the ice sculptures, he added, "I know that but where's your camera?"  I replied, "In my pocket.  I have a cheap camera that's pretty small."  I was put off by his backhanded officiousness.  Instead of being interested in my photography hobby, the sight of a tripod without a camera didn't sit right with him.  Was this interaction a bad omen?

When the train finally arrived, I took a seat at the far end of the car and tried to relax.  At the very next stop, a drunk woman and her boyfriend shuffled in and plunked themselves down in the seat across from me.  She appeared to be heroin addict with a prematurely aged face and slurred speech that was almost unintelligible.  Her boyfriend acted tough by lacing his remarks with profanities.  I thought to myself, "Here we go again."

She pulled a bottle of beer out of her jacket and asked me if I had a bottle opener.  I shook my head no.  She then decided to walk around the train to ask the other passengers while her boyfriend got mad.  She came back with the opened bottle and the two decided to argue loudly.  It was a sad sight brought on by many years of addiction but most of my fellow passengers just laughed and pointed.  The woman then bit her boyfriend on the forehead so he shoved her and swore.  She made up to him by hugging and later straddling him.  Two girls nearby decided to record the scene on their smart phone.  Even a few passengers in the next car took notice.  The woman's bottle of beer spilled all over the place and the two argued once more.  The guy looked at me in disgust and said, "Don't ever get married."  I had seen enough.  When the train stopped at the next station, I fled to the rear car.  The passengers there who had observed the spectacle asked me what it was all about.  I replied, "Substance abuse."

The incident left me feeling cold and I found myself wondering why I had to see such ugliness from the world.  The woman was basically a walking corpse.  Should I have said something to her about getting help?  Would it have made a difference or would her boyfriend have told me to mind my own business?  He did look very tough.  I then wondered why God had to put these people in my path.  Was it a test or was the incident meant to humble me?  As I walked by fancy restaurants filled with well-dressed New Year's Eve revelers, I thought about how the wealthy have the means to insulate themselves from such things.  You're not likely to meet people on the fringe of society while taking a limousine into Boston.

One of the ice sculptures for Boston's 2017 First Night 

I managed to photograph the ice sculptures that night but walking around the city by myself only made me feel disconnected.  After the midnight fireworks, I headed back to the subway and gave directions to a young couple who had their drunk friend in tow.  The return trip to Revere was pretty quiet since the subway car wasn't crowded.  I reflected on the two extremes that have constantly plagued me in my travels over the years: I'm either all alone or people really bother me.  It's hard not to be jaded. 

It's Still Christmas

The way mainstream society celebrates Christmas is pretty ridiculous.  Hype for the holiday starts as early as October and only increases in intensity as the weeks pass.  Commercials bombard you with the latest deals while radio stations play nothing but seasonal music.  Up go the holiday light displays with some neighbors trying to outdo each other.  Christmas cartoons, claymation specials and seasonal movies permeate television.  People work themselves up into a frenzy shopping for that perfect gift as advertisements remind us to cash in on those last minute savings.  We spend so much time worrying about the holiday, there's little time to savor it.

When December 25th finally arrives, many of us spend it with family and loved-ones but the next day, the Christmas music ends, the seasonal programming goes away and some decide to shut off or take down their lights just like that.  How mainstream society celebrates Christmas has me asking, "That's it?"  Retailers, unsatisfied with all the money they've made immediately promote after-Christmas sales even though they tended to avoid using the c-word before the 25th.  People go back to their old ways and with very little trace of the season left, it leaves me feeling empty.

For Catholics, the Christmas season is supposed to last until the feast of the Baptism of the Lord which falls on the Sunday following the Epiphany.  Many other denominations recognize the 12 days of Christmas.  My parents always made sure to keep the lights on through January 6th, long after my neighbors shut theirs off.  One acquaintance who isn't too religious actually leaves her Christmas lights on into February to brighten her spirits because she thinks winter is dark and dreary enough.  The new priests at my small church placed two trees, garland, banners and a large nativity scene around the altar and it really put people in the mood.  Such decorations can get out of hand but if done right, they remind us of the warmth that should be in our hearts around this time of year.

As a kid, the joy of Christmas lingered well beyond December 25th because the only other time during the year my brother and I got presents was on our birthdays.  I was grateful for these new toys and played with them on the living room floor for days.  When I visited my nieces and nephew this year they seemed to be much more savvy about gift-giving than we were.  One of the first things out of their mouths was, "Where's our presents?" To my amazement, their grandfather gave each of them a 100 dollar bill.  Using an online calculator, I adjusted that sum to see its value during my childhood years and it came out to be almost 30 dollars.  I can tell you this much, none of my relatives ever gave me anything close to that amount for Christmas.  After all the presents were opened, my nieces talked about using the money they just received to buy what they didn't get under the tree. 

For mainstream society, Christmas is one big "wham, bam, thank you ma'am" and I suspect the people who rush to take down their lights and get back to normal don't focus too much on the holiday's religious meaning.  As the first few days of January pass into time, it's a pleasant surprise to find houses with their lights still up.  While riding my bike earlier this week, I came across a lighted creche in front of someone's home.  Here was this tender scene amid the darkness and cold that surrounded me.  In that moment, it somehow made my emptiness disappear.  Imagine what Christmas would be like if we kept the kindness and warmth of the season in our hearts well beyond December 25th.