Yes Never Came

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LOrBI-b5wT0

Each new year brings with it a certain kind of hope and as 2018 begins, I find myself thinking about the first few days of 2017.  Back then, I was flipping through late night TV and just happened to see a program from mega-church televangelist, Joel Olsteel.  I was very much aware of who he was but had never actually watched any of his sermons before.  He spoke about the new year and said “yes” was coming.  According to him, we would finally get the things we were yearning for if we had faith.  Doors that were closed to us for such a long time would suddenly be opened in 2017.  He sounded so positive and upbeat, I decided to hear more of what he had to say just to see how over-the-top his promises would be.

Mr. Olsteen gave the example of a woman who had applied for a dream job but had doubts she would ever be hired.  While taking a taxi, she shared her concerns with the driver who later on just happened to give a ride to the person whose job it was to hire someone for that same company.  The taxi driver put in a good word for the woman and miraculously, she was hired thanks to that chance meeting with the taxi driver.  Joel Oltseen then pondered the slim odds of such a thing happening in a big city and chalked it up to God's unseen hand.

It had me thinking about a story in my college's alumni newsletter from many years ago.  A recent graduate flying out to Los Angeles to pursue a career in the entertainment industry just happened to be seated right next to a movie producer.  The two of them started talking and discovered they both went to the same college.  By the end of the flight, the graduate was invited to work at the movie producer's company.  The article was supposed to highlight the college's networking potential but I can tell you from personal experience, such occurrences are probably very rare.

When people make promises that sound too good to be true, they only need to be right every now and then.  The alumni newsletter will never feature graduates who still struggle to find their dream jobs or who gave up looking altogether.  The Youtube video for Joel Olsteen's sermon is filled with comments praising his remarks.  They said that after watching the program, “yes” happened to them as well.  I'd be interested to know how many people yearned for “yes” in 2017 but then didn't find it.

Mr. Olsteen adds one little caveat.  We can't be negative.  In the sermon, he mentions a couple who've been trying to have a baby for years.  He says if you have the attitude that it will never happen, then “yes” won't come.  You have to believe and put your “yes” next to God's “yes” in order for miraculous things to occur.  This seems like a convenient cop out for Joel Olsteen because if any of his followers fail to get what they hoped for in the new year, he can always blame it on their weak faith.

Even though I tend to be negative, I'm still hopeful that the long-closed doors in my life will somehow open.  Guess what happened in 2017?  That “yes” Joel Olsteen said was on its way never came.  His optimistic sermon reminded me of candidate Donald Trump.  Make many uplifting promises to build up people's hopes and don't worry if they never come to pass.  According to Mr. Trump, defeating ISIS was going to be so easy and would only take months.  Tell that to recent casualties of a terrorist attack on Save the Children in Jalalabad.  Stopping a fanatical ideology won't be so easy no matter how optimistic our president is.

I've had priests say negativity leads us away from Christ but there are many times when advice in the Bible was not so uplifting.  Sell everything you own.  Cut off your hand if it causes you sin.  Be content with your pay.  Turn the other cheek.  So often, Jesus and His followers told people what they didn't want to hear.  Standing up for the truth and doing the right thing sometimes requires us to be a little negative.

The Olsteen Estate

It's spiritual pied pipers like Joel Olsteen we should be wary of.  A quick internet search reveals photos of the televangelist's sprawling mansion.  This is a far cry from the simple life John the Baptist adopted.  If it's very hard for a rich man to get into heaven, then why do so many of these televangelists fully embrace the vast material comforts of this world?

For me, it appears God did not say “yes” 2017 because many long-closed doors continue to remain closed.  Perhaps 2017 was the year He said, “Maybe.”

Wounds Never Healed

Disgraced former head of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Law passed away this December.  When reports of sexually abusive priests came to his attention, he reassigned them to other parishes and kept the allegations quiet.  This allowed those abusive priests to molest again.  When the cover up was finally exposed in 2002, it seriously hurt the Church's moral credibility and sent the Cardinal fleeing to Rome.

Some victims and their families have reacted strongly to news of Bernard Law's death by saying they hope he has gone to hell for allowing such a thing to happen over and over again.  The current leader of the Boston Archdiocese, Cardinal Sean O'Malley, was careful with his words during a press conference stating that ultimately it's the goal of Christianity to see that everyone gets into heaven.

During a recent interview with the Salem News, abused former altar boy Bernie McDaid described a private meeting he and his mother had with Cardinal Law in 2002.  “I'm not sticking up for Bernie Law but he did apologize.”  McDaid added, “He was absolutely wrong and he knew it.  But he represents hundreds of cardinals who were moving priests around.  To make Bernie Law the scapegoat kind of shortens the issue to Boston.  This is all over the world.”

McDaid also recalled a meeting he helped organize between victims and Cardinal Law.  A young woman whose brother was abused by a priest and later took his own life stood up and said to the Cardinal, “I want you to know that you killed my brother.”  When Cardinal Law looked down at the floor, she screamed at him,  “Look me in the eye.  You're a murderer.”

Keeping the allegations of abuse quiet also made the victims think they were alone.  Imagine the weight of such a violation on your soul.  Now imagine having to bear that weight all by yourself.  I think if there is any sense of justice, Cardinal Law would experience all the heartache, indignity and trauma of the lives that were ruined by the cover up.  The sad part was, it didn't have to be this way.

Our priests lecture us all the time about standing up for what is right even if it costs us dearly.  They cite how much the martyrs gave up and ask if we would do the same.  Why is it the Church didn't follow its own advice?  When Cardinal Law first received complaints about abusive priests, he should have been on the phone to the police.  (The Church today would be in much better shape spiritually and financially if he had!)  Reassigning those priests to other parishes was like hoping a ticking time bomb wouldn't go off.  What was it about Bernard Law's character that allowed the abuse to continue as far as it did?

I only met Cardinal Law once during an anniversary celebration of the Boston Archdiocese held at my former high school.  He was getting out of the backseat of a car and chatted with a few people near the entrance to the auditorium.  Frankly, there was something about him I never liked.  Whether it was television interviews or recorded messages played to our parish (usually about money), he struck me as a milquetoast who just wasn't passionate about defending the Catholic faith.  I certainly don't remember him being too critical of Boston area Catholic politicians who actively promoted agendas that ran counter to the Church's teachings.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/cardinal-s-confession-sex-abuse-victim-reflects-on-meeting-law/article_08aea181-5a02-5118-8ae5-91b589803fac.html

Some Catholics say we should stop talking about the scandal because being negative weakens the Church and accomplishes very little.  What continues to hurt the Church is not doing right by the victims.  When members of S.N.A.P. protested outside the Cathedral of the Holy Cross, one parishioner wondered what more do the victims want.  That's an easy thing to say if you've never suffered the horror of a shattered childhood.

What also continues to hurt the Church is it's lack of genuine honesty.  In a prepared statement, Cardinal O'Malley said: “I recognize that Cardinal Law’s passing brings forth a wide range of emotions on the part of many people. I am particularly cognizant of all who experienced the trauma of sexual abuse by clergy, whose lives were so seriously impacted by those crimes, and their families and loved ones.”  Now if you were having a heart to heart conversation with someone, would you actually use the word cognizant?  Instead of a well-plotted form letter that sounds like it was crafted by a lawyer or politician, how about the honesty of plain talk?

Cardinal Sean O'Malley mentions the good work Bernard Law did in the South but this is taking a “Mousilini made the trains run on time” approach.  No matter what good Cardinal Law did in the past, his role during the abuse scandal has been cemented in history and you cannot remove the man from such grievous misdeeds. 

During a deposition Cardinal Law was forced to give, some of the victims described him as angry rather than contrite.  Bernie McDaid recalled in the Salem News how during his second visit to the Vatican in 2010 Cardinal Law hung up on him.  “I'm pretty sure it was him.  He spoke in English and quickly switched over to Italian.”  Whether you believe Cardinal Law was truly sorry for what had happened or just sorry his cover up was exposed, he became the poster child for how badly the priest abuse scandal was handled.  It's been said the Catholic Church is in a much better position to prevent such abuse from happening again but it never should have gone on as long as it did in the first place.

Where Is Christmas?

As a kid, Christmas was such a magical time.  My married friends tell me some of that magic gets rekindled each year as they watch their own children open presents on Christmas morning.  Being single during the holidays usually brings feelings of isolation that I just can't shake.

When I first attended St. Mary's in Beverly with my mother and brother, Christmas Masses seemed special because the church was still very new to us but as the years passed, I started to feel out of place.  Seeing the pews filled with so many old people and families certainly didn't help.  When my brother moved away, it was just my mother and me.  Sometimes it was just me.

At one point, our pastor decided to reintroduce midnight Mass after a long absence from the schedule.  I wanted to see if it would attract a younger crowd but since my mother didn't want to stay up late, I had to go by myself.  Sitting alone in a pew didn't exactly fill me with the Christmas spirit.  That first midnight Mass was well-attended and over the years, its popularity only increased.  Soon I found myself surrounded by old people and families again.

The music during Christmas Mass featured a choir of senior citizens, organ and trumpet but someone got the bright idea to add a kettle drum into the mix.  When it first thundered, we all flinched out of fear.  Every year since, it's taken unsuspecting once-a-year Catholics by surprise.  Our pastor said this music was so beautiful, it was probably what heaven sounded like.  I found it to be more annoying than heaven-like.  Having senior citizens belt out the line “Glory to God” over and over again just wasn't my cup of tea but at St. Mary's, people tended to see things one way.  

Our pastor decided to replace the church’s perfectly adequate nativity scene with a much more expensive, hand-crafted one from Italy.  A lot of money was raised to acquire these figurines but they did nothing to increase my faith.  While looking them over, I wondered why on one of the holiest days of the year, my faith felt so weak.

Despite all the decorations, music and well-meaning sermons, I wasn't getting much out of Christmas Mass anymore but it was far better for some at my church to ignore people like me because our very existence invalidated their rosy view of the parish's sense of community.  No room at the inn for lost sheep.

I still go to church hoping the Holy Spirit will set my soul on fire somehow but for the past few years, Christmas seems like just another day.  Before the start of this year's Christmas Mass at my current parish, I spotted a man in the hallway holding a shepherd’s crook.  Apparently, our priests asked two people to dress up as Mary and Joseph with the woman holding a real baby.  During Mass, the little one started to cry so Mary and Joseph had to slink back into the hallway.  I give these priests an A for effort but such a display did little to inspire me.

At least it wasn't as tacky as a zip line Jesus.  A former pastor once told the congregation how one church had set up a wire that went from the choir loft all the way down to the crèche that was placed just in front of the altar.  During Christmas Mass, they would send the baby Jesus speeding down the wire to his manger.  Gimmicks like this seem more like comedy relief than spiritual inspiration.

When I look at the Christmas tree in the house, I think of how much coming down those stairs with my brother to open presents meant to me.  This year, my brother called at 1 PM on Christmas Day to invite us to his house for a Christmas meal.  My mother and I were nothing more than an afterthought to him and I suspect the phone call was just a courtesy.  Given the long and messy drive up to his place, there was no way we could have made it.

My mother and I settled down for a quite dinner by ourselves but I was plagued by a tinge of sadness.  Something wonderful has been lost and I find myself asking more than ever, “Where is Christmas?”

More Precious Than Rubies

I can count on one hand the number of times a girl my own age has sat next to me in church and still have two fingers to spare.  When such a rare occurrence does happen, nothing ever comes of it.

My church's All Saints' Day Mass was very crowded this year and when my mother and I arrived, our usual pew was already full.  Sitting in the next pew was a pretty girl who I've never seen before.  We motioned to sit next to her but instead of moving into the isle, she let us climb into the pew.  Usually, that's a pet peeve of mine but in this case, it allowed me to sit right next to her.  I've been starving for the company of a female my own age for so long, simply being in close proximity to one gave me a comforting feeling.  I started to imagine what it would be like to have a girlfriend or wife.  (People who are called to the priesthood probably don't have these thoughts.)

During Mass, she wasn't saying any of the prayers aloud aside from the Our Father.  Red flag number one.  As a life-long Catholic, I've memorized almost everything anyone says during Mass to the point where reading a missalette isn't necessary.  Was she not very religious and just visiting our church for spiritual inspiration?  I've noticed how some people who shun God suddenly go looking for Him during a time of need.

There was absolutely no body language coming from her to indicate any interest whatsoever.  Red flag number two.  Maybe she already had a boyfriend or husband.  As a long-time Massachusetts resident, I think reading women in this part of the country is difficult to say the least.  Most seem aloof while others appear to be creeped out by members of the opposite sex who aren't their brothers or dads.  Trying to start a conversation with a random woman is like pulling teeth.  Let's say you bring up a subject that might interest her.  Perhaps you see she's holding a camera so you ask about her photography hobby.  The responses women have given me tend to be curt which makes any further small-talk impossible.  I'm sure some of these same women spend time wondering where all the “good men” are.  During my many years of commuting into Boston, only once did a girl walking by ever say hi to me.  More often than not, they tend to look down or look away.  Most of my friends believe New England women are rather snobbish and I think this standoffish posture is the reason why.

As the Mass progressed, it was soon time for the sign of peace.  Hmmm.  How would that go?  She turned and gave me a quick wave and that was it.  Red flag number three.  Ever since the Church allowed people to opt out of physical contact in order to avoid spreading germs, the sign of peace seems too informal nowadays.  Some parishioners don't even bother to say, "Peace be with you."

Soon, it was time to receive the Holy Eucharist and upon returning to our pew, I noticed the girl was no longer there.  After communion, she made a beeline for the door.  Red flag number four.  The former pastor of our church thought this was a very annoying habit so he would tell people in the bulletins and at the altar that Mass was not over until the final blessing.  He wondered what was so important that people stood at the door or left altogether instead of returning to their pews.  It was like walking out on a friend's birthday party right after the candles were blown out.  If we couldn't give God an extra ten minutes during Mass, what did it say about His place in our lives?

As the weeks passed, I never did see that girl in church again but I expected as much.  I've read many Catholic blogs written by single women, so I don't think this problem is exclusive to one gender.  There probably are churches out there where lonely females have similar experiences trying to attract the attention of good Catholic men.  The problem is, Catholic singles of both sexes are so scattered to the four winds, we can't seem to find each other.

One thing is for sure.  The Bible wasn't kidding when it said, “A wife of noble character who can find?  She is far more precious than rubies.”

The Lost Are Still Lost

It's been a little over three months since my parish hosted a question and answer session with Regional Bishop Mark O'Connell.  I had put myself out there by discussing the struggles single Catholics face and telling everyone how lost I felt.  Sadly, nothing has changed.

The simplest action our clergy could take is to acknowledge our existence.  During the Q and A session, the bishop and some of my parish priests heard me ask why no one ever publicly prayed for people like me at Mass yet singles seeking marriage continue to be left off the lengthy list of intentions.  It makes me wonder what my priests see when they spot me sitting in the pews with my mother each week.  Can't they tell how lonely I am?

My parish does have some joyful and sincere men of the cloth but lately a typical sermon tends to boil down to this:  “Every one of us has hardships in life.  Sometimes we are sad and feel like failures but we should rejoice because Jesus loves us.”  You know what?  I need more than that.

Despite Bishop O'Connell describing my conversation as humbling, he hasn't openly addressed the plight of Catholic singles either.  His parish's weekly bulletin highlights many “nuts and bolts” topics regarding the operation of his parish.  That's to be expected but he has also touched upon some pretty trivial matters like why parishioners at St. Theresa's kneel at certain times during Mass or what the symbols on a bishop's ring stand for.  You'd think in between all of this, he could mention some of the issues we discussed.

To my surprise, Bishop O'Connell was featured in the October 10th edition of The Salem News.  The newspaper article began with a short biography but then it focused on increasing vocations to the priesthood.  The reporter asked, “So what is the archdiocese doing to persuade single Catholic men that they too can find joy in service as priests?”  I found this question to be hurtful because it failed to recognize the fact that there are single Catholics with a very different calling in life...one that DOES NOT include a vocation to the priesthood.

http://www.salemnews.com/news/local_news/bishop-reach-out-to-lapsed-catholics/article_33cf4980-656f-5f06-966e-bd61886b0a66.htm

“We're not doing enough,” Bishop O'Connell said adding that some parishes have witness talks for men contemplating the seminary and the Archdiocese itself has a full time vocations director and two assistant directors.  The article asserted, “During the last couple of decades, the archdiocese has closed numerous parishes due to the declining number of priests.”  So dwindling Mass attendance and expensive maintenance issues had nothing to do with it?

The bishop suggested each parish had a responsibility to promote priestly vocations adding, “If we could ordain 12 priests a year, we could sustain all of the parishes.”  He continued, “If every parish produced one vocation every 17 years we would be fine.”  I just could not agree with this rosy assessment.  Even if all the parishes within the Archdiocese met that quota, would these new priests be saying Mass in empty churches?

Cited in the newspaper column was a 2014 Pew Research Center study that said the number of church-going Americans dropped slightly from 2007.  I predict this decline will increase exponentially over the next ten years as more and more elderly parishioners pass away.  If the hierarchy focuses on solving the priest shortage but fails to adequately address the Church's other problems, we will not be fine.

I told Bishop O'Connell this during the Q and A session and my long talk with him at St. Theresa's but you'd never know it by reading that article.  Once again, priestly vocations are given top priority while singles who yearn for a spouse aren't even worth mentioning.  I'm left to wonder why so many priests hear but they do not listen.

A Catholic Walks Into A Bar

For this black sheep, few things in life make me feel so out of place than participating in my hometown's nightlife.  Every autumn, the local institution where I volunteer holds an annual meeting which features food, speeches and a small awards ceremony.  Formal wear isn't required but it's an excuse to get dressed up.  The festivities wind down around 9 PM so it leaves a few of us all dressed up with nowhere to go.

After a recent annual meeting, someone suggested going out to a local bar.  Since I didn't have much of a social life, they asked me to join them.  “How will you ever find anyone if you don't try?” one acquaintance remarked.  I decided to tag along just to prove her wrong.

Whether I stay home or go out, the results have always been the same because visiting a bar is one of the most inefficient ways to meet people.  You put all your hope on the random chance a woman with similar interests and beliefs will be sitting there just waiting to strike up a nice conversation.  Being an older Catholic single makes the odds of this happening pretty slim.

That night, six of us went out to a small Irish pub in the downtown.  We found a mostly jeans and t-shirt crowd but I was still wearing my dress shirt, tie, waistcoat and slacks from the annual meeting.  The place was filled with tattooed hipster millennials since there was an art college nearby.  Guess the odds didn't play out in my favor.

Our small group started ordering drinks but I only had water.  We joked to the waitress that I was the designated driver but in reality, I just didn't like the taste of many alcoholic beverages.  That didn't stop my acquaintances from offering me a sip of whatever concoction they ordered.  Hmmm.  Feeling awkward and being pressured to drink.  Why don't I go out more often?

They racked up a pretty hefty tab because in their minds, alcohol equaled happiness and they didn't care if they got wasted.  One person from the group had even suffered a mild heart attack the week before but that did not curtail his intake.  It just happened to be open mic night so when the mildly talented singers belted out the tunes, it was difficult to hear what anyone at our table was saying.  Later, two strange looking old women shuffled in with a guitar to do a dramatic poetry reading that was just awful.

As my acquaintances enjoyed more adult beverages, one of them thought I was being a bit uptight for refusing to order a drink.  He then asked if I had ever been laid.  Suddenly, all eyes were on me but I told them it was none of their business.  As a devout Catholic, I had encountered this question a few times before but there was no good way to answer it.  If I said yes, they would want to know details.  If I said no, I'd be the butt of their jokes.  As they continued to pry, I just acted dumb until they found something else to talk about.  When I got up to go to the bathroom, the smell of marijuana wafted in from the back deck.  There was absolutely nothing here for me so after awhile, I decided to leave.

Experiences like this make me wonder why alcohol must be a night on the town's central focus.  I don't see anything wrong with moderate drinking especially if your beverage compliments a meal but people get carried away.  Perhaps this is why I think those Theology on Tap events seem very gimmicky.

Single Catholics don't have many options when it comes to finding a spouse but the bar scene seems like a big waste of time and money.  How often should we go to the local watering hole before we realize there just isn't anyone there for us?

A World Of Lower Standards

Aside from a few bars, there isn't much for single people to do in my hometown.  (That's really bad for me because I don't drink socially.)  Recently, a woman on the community's Facebook group complained about this and decided to create her own Facebook page for local singles.  Members were invited to post meet ups or any other activities that appealed to the unattached.  She then categorized us into age groups and I suddenly found myself lumped in with people in their late 50s!

In fact, most of the site's members were women in their 40s and 50s but almost all of them had kids.  It made me wonder what the heck happened to the sanctity of marriage.  When some of them started complaining about how lonely they were, I felt it was a bit unfair because at one time they had boyfriends or husbands to sleep with.  Try walking in my shoes.

Some of them seemed very jaded.  When a cooking class was pitched as a possible meet up, a woman said she wanted to go just to discover new recipes...not to meet men.  With an attitude like that, why was she part of this group?  In another post, one woman said she was going to spend her Saturday night at home with a good book.  A few females then suggested they all get together to form a reading club.  Now what kind of signal did that send the opposite sex?

I decided to ask the group if anyone wanted to go mountain bike riding on a nearby rail trail but no one took me up on the offer.  This wasn't surprising because it looked like many of the people here didn't get a lot of exercise.  Unfortunately, the word “single” means many different things: Never married and no kids, never married with kids, divorced with or without children and widowed with or without children.  Not all of these groups have the same expectations.

After showing this Facebook page to a few acquaintances, they said I was being too picky.  I told them “too picky” was refusing to go out with a woman because she had green eyes and blonde hair.  There were good reasons for some of my preferences.  Even if we looked beyond religious beliefs, dating someone with kids added extra pressures to a relationship right off the bat and if a woman is divorced, isn't it natural to wonder why her marriage broke apart?

One of these acquaintances thought I was being too judgmental so she asked if potential suitors had to be thin and good looking too.  I told her a girlfriend who took care of herself would be nice but my definition of beauty was slightly more quirky than what society put on a pedestal.  Then she wondered if I would ever date anyone outside my own religion.  Keep in mind, this acquaintance was Jewish and had a husband who shared her faith.  She was also very liberal so I asked her, “If you were still single, would you date a Trump supporter?”  Of course she wouldn't.  Did that make her close-minded?

Over the years, I've noticed proponents of tolerance try to make us feel guilty for our personal preferences.  We all have attractions.  Some of them aren't that important but others are deal-breakers.  I'd like a girlfriend who has made similar sacrifices for her beliefs.  My acquaintance thought I was looking for the impossible adding, “If a woman is in her 40s and has never had a serious relationship then you should ask yourself what's wrong with her.”  Now who was being judgmental?

Some people find Catholic values so inconceivable, they have to goad anyone who embraces them toward sin.  They'll tell us we should give up on celibacy and just enjoy ourselves.  No one saves themselves for marriage anymore so we need to lower our standards.  Divorce and broken families are just an inevitable part of life.  People fall out of love all the time so it's no big deal.  Advice like that reminds me of the peer pressure found on elementary school playgrounds: “Everyone else is doing it.  Why aren't you?”

In this age of diversity and tolerance, there doesn't seem to be much room for devout Catholics.  That's why singles like me need the Church to step up with increased fellowship and support.  We certainly won't find what we're looking for in a world of lower standards.